"Things do not change, we change."

Changes....

Looking back at the time in Canada now, I sure I can say that I have changed and learned many things. I saw manors and behaviour of myself that I didn't even know I had in me. I sure lived a live in Canada, a thing I didn't had much back in Holland, it was always the same ol' same ol'. Nothing really happened back in Holland, I woke up had my breakfast and red the newspaper. Then computer, afterwards maybe some grocery or some householdings,  then cook dinner or made lunch. And that's it! Tomorrow? The same thing. 

Yes, pretty boring, but I didn't know else. I lived my life quietly, I was jobless. I had a few friends. Although I rather was alone I longed aswell for some people around me, more friends or a Family. Yeah, a Family! Sigh! that would be something. I was at a age that I longed for a woman and perhaps some kids, but they were hard to find. When I met Saf  I was in heaven, she was for sure my first love ever.

I couldn't care less she had 5 kids, I liked and loved them aswell. I was in love, but I held it a bit on the background when we first talked, cause for the same reason Saf wouldn't like me. I was nerves and scared. And funny that I kept that nerves and scary feeling all the time with me in our relationship. I was carefull, very carefull with her, I treated her like a porseline vase. Afraid to break our relation. I know it's not a good thing, I need to stand up for myself sometimes aswell. You could say I was fragile.

The carefullness didn't change, it's just the way I am. If I have a problem, I will try to solve it myself, and if I really, really need help I will ask for help to others. If there is something I don't like what 'someone' else did, I will complain to 'another' person but I wont go to the person who caused the problem. I've been challenged many, many times back in Canada with that problem. Most of the time I solved the problem, and complained afterwards. The people around me didn't like that. 

"Next time you go to that person, and you talk or complain to him or her," they would say, or they say, "Don't talk or complain to me, go to the person who  caused the problem." So now and then I had a little burst out, just angry at myself for not be daring enough or angry at the person who I didn't dare to go to, to say something about the problem they created. Yeah, I learned alot, but it wasn't complaining and arguing all the time, we had a great time aswell. We were happy together! We were a family!

It was a huge difference life then the life I lived in Holland. Maybe it was just to much, to overwhelming, to hectic, being then in a huge Family. I'm trying now to solve a puzzle in my head, I'm trying to figure out why I couldn't controle my anger sometimes, why did I had sometimes the burst outs? But do I have too figure it out? Is it neccessarry? Not really, but it bothers me alot, I'm feeling guilty and I'm asking myself, "Why didn't I do 'this' then, or, why didn't I do 'that' then." Would it have changed something? Yes! I really gave it a 100%, but, I guess I failed. After a burst out or a argue I felt regrets and told myself, "Never that again," and strangely enough it happens again. 

Sometimes I feel bad about the burst out I sometimes had, or the arguess Saf and I had, I still  have the feeling we didn't try to solve this problem. Ofcource we talked about it, many times, but it was more saying sorry and it won't happen again, and we moved on again. I felt bad after every argue or burst out. Saf responded mostly quitly and was ignoring me for a few days, no words. I hated that, but I learned that it wasn't a good idea to talk to her then. In the ignorance time from Saf, I thought alot, Was it my fault? was it hers? 

I tried to make sense of the argue or burst out I had, Usually after a argue or burst out I tried to make it good again with a bunch of flowers or a funny loving note or even a card. But I truly wish that Saf and I talked more about our/my problem, trying to solve things, trying to solve our relationship, solve the argues or burst outs, etc, etc. I have the feeling we mostly never did this. I wish Saf talked more or gave me a kick in the butt, saying, STOP! it's enough!

Saf and her kids were the family I wanted, they were not just a Family. They were special and very interesting. I was happy with Saf and her kids,I love them and I cared and still do.  Although we broke up, I'm still happy that I was a part of the Family, these 3 years in my life with them I will treasure and will never forget. That's why I want to keep contact with them.

But I need to move on aswell, and so has Saf and her kids. I will miss them! It sounds like a goodbye now, but it's not. That's why the thought in my head, 'friends forever', I said it many times, I want to keep contact with them, and I won't tell why, cause that I said already a 1000 times. About the fight about the deleted pictures on Facebook, that hurted me deeply, I thought, "I really hope we still can be friends." I know I need to move on with my life, cause I have some major problems. But yesterday with the deleted pictures, I couldn't care less about my other major problems, there friendship was more important for me then anything else.

Geesh, am I going nuts? Can't I get over our break up? Yes, I can, but don't forget that these 3 years of my life I lived a life what I always wanted. I had a lovely girlfriend, I had kids calling me Daddy, I took care of them, readed them stories, I was a husband and a Father, I can go on and on. That's why it's important for me to still be friends, cause that's the last thing I have of them, and I don't want to loose that. From now on I will treasure this friendship.

Yes,I know I'm a wrack at the moment, and repeat the same words over and over, or make a mess with my sayings, but it's just the way I am right now. I will get trough this! With them, and not without them!

Hold a true friend with both hands....

Hold a true friend with both hands....

Last night after a long day, I was relaxing on the computer. And Saf came online on MSN, and wanted to chat. My heart pounded cause I always get a bit nerves when she comes online. It ended up in a huge argue, what I totally didn't expect. I said, "NO, I don't need this right now." I was scared,  shaking, and afraid to loose her. Here's what happened.

Saf asked me about the family pictures on my computer. (My computer is now hers, I left it for her in Canada) We use to always take loads of pictures when we were out with the kids, or when we went to karaoke. After uploading them on the computer I add them on Facebook. We had tons of pictures.  Sometimes after adding them on Facebook, I deleted them from my computer, cause if I wanted to see them I would or can go to Facebook. Sometimes I letted them stay.

You could say I was the keeper of the pictures, but not on purpose, it just happened that way. I love to take pictures and add them on Facebook to show them to other friends. Sometimes Saf came to me to ask for pictures aswell, I never refussed. Cause they were her kids and we both shared the picture moments, She had pictures herself too.

Saf needed a few pictures from Tasn, cause she had a few frames  for her new bedroom. She couldn't find them on my computer. And I explained what I did to pictures. "I deleted them along time ago, cause I don't need them on my computer, and most of them are on Facebook anyway," I told her. Saf went furious, and couldn't believe I deleted them. I didn't had time to explain myself clearer. She wrote not a nice post on her Facebook. Details I won't share.

Saf was angry and dissapointed cause I deleted the pictures from the kids and me and her. "3 years, a good memory all gone!" she shouted! Here's a little story of what happened a while ago, right after our break up...

The day Saf and I broke up I got upset,  I just couldn't believe what she said. "I want to end the relation," I got dissapointed and my first escape was to my room and to my computer, but I did not want to share things on internet. I had a little peek on Facebook, and saw the pictures from Saf's kids and Saf and me. I was thinking, "Well, I don't need them anymore, it's over and out." And with my sad/angry face I deleted them all. Sigh!! I felt regrets afterwards, but I couldn't do a thing to add them again, my reaction was to fast. 

The pictures were gone, gone from Facebook, and I didn't have them on my computer either, cause I deleted them a while ago, long before we broke up. Cause, again, I didn't want to have so many pictures on my computer, when I clean my computer I delete sometimes pictures what I don't need anymore aswell. I thought then, "I have the pictures from Saf, me and the kids on Facebook, if I need to see them or I have to use them I will go there."  But now everything is gone, I realized that, and felt deep regrets. But what can I do to get them back!

I felt sad for her and wanted to make up with her big time! I need her as a friend and I need the love of her kids, I don't want to loose them! She asked me to mail her every picture I still had on my laptop, and that's what I did. I mailed tons of pictures, I  copied aswell pictures from Facebook. When I saw all the pictures, I saw that we both had a great time, we have so many pictures still on Facebook. 3 kids from Saf has a Facebook account, even the cats have profiles.

While I was copying I thought, "Why doesn't she go to Tasn's profile to find some pictures there from her? Saf knew already that I deleted the  pictures on Facebook on my account, but there are tons of pictures from us and the kids on the kids accounts." But still that doesn't give me the right to delete the pictures. I still remember that she got mad when I deleted the pictures on Facebook, right after our break up. We have spoke to each other then at that moment and in a way we solved it. Why do I do such things? I wish I could turn the pictures all back cause, I miss them too. Silly me!

Saf came a few times back on MSN, and she told me to stop copying pictures on Facebook. I wanted to solve the argue and I think she wanted it too. She wanted to know a few things aswell and she asked me for it. I explained the things, but it got out of hand. Saf was still mad and wasn't able to listen, I surely don't blame her! She had to get ready for work, and I know she doesn't like going to work with a angry head. I wish I had a bit more time with her. so we can solve this.It hurted me and I could not let it go.

Saf is mad and dissapointed and I understood a 100% why. I feel sorry and I would love to talk it out with her, what could/can  I do? Nothing. I really hope things will turn as normal, I would do anything for that. The only thing what was left was our friendship after our break up, and that kept me going, I was happy with that. Her kids means more to me then she will ever know! I don't want to act like the sad guy and Saf the bad girl. I feel ashamed for what I did and it hurts. I can't let it go at the moment.

Money...

Money...

A full morning with lot's of phonecalls, writting, sighs and some tears. It didn't look that the tide would turn. Sometimes I just think to easy on difficult situations, I just think then, "The tide will turn, if things get to worse." Before I went to Canada, I had the same, I had it hard with finding a job. I was already diagnosed with a sick thyroid, and was only able to work for half days. But most factory's or company's did not wanted someone for half days back in Holland.

I kept on searching back then, but after a half year I just gave up. I heard to many times, "We don't want someone for half days. At the moment it's different, I have never been in this situation as I am now, and it scares me and makes me worried. Now I have to find a job, cause I have no money no income and maybe next week I will be homeless. In situations like this I backdown and relax automaticly, when things get to worse. Then my 'easy thinking' button is switched on. Then I start to think "Okay, it is as it is. "It's a good thing that I don't panic then. 

On with today, and specially this morning. Like I said it was a full morning, I woke up on time and made my breakfast and checked my E-mails on the laptop. I saw one short E-mail from Saf, she asked me shortly how I was and she told that she was busy with the loads of house holdings and her work. I'm happy for her she has work, but with so many people in the house you can easily divide the house holdings, cause it's alot of work for just one person. After my breakfast and E-mail I jumped on my bike and headed to my Dad's, it was cold!

I had to use Dad's phone again, to call the people from 'Gak'. I asked them how far they were with my income and if they recieved the 'Canada' letter. I could have guessed it, they didn't recieve the letter. I was thinking of the lady on the phone (From Gak) who I called last Monday, she told me that for sure the letter will come today. Right! Not! This time they asked me for a phone number so that they can call me back today. I gave them my Aunt's number. Poor Aunt.

I had a coffee with my Dad and went to my counselers appointment. I got another coffee there and he asked me how things were, he letted me talk and he was quiet. I told him how I was and what I did so far. I told him about 'Gak' and that I'm hoping that 'the Humanitas' project will go trough. "And what will you do when 'Humanitas' is not going trough?" the counseler asked. I told him "I don't know, I see 'Humanitas' as my last change." I replied. He went quiet. I don't like it when he does that, like, my counseler wants to tell me, that he doesn't know it further either.

We went on, and he told me that we have to fill in this form for Humanitas, he told me before that we both decided that I get a 24-hours project at 'Humanitas.' After filling in the form we made some phone calls, well, my counseler did. First we called 'Humanitas' to hear what will happen next after filling in the form and send it. The lady told us that, we will both get a meeting first to have a talk. And after that we will get to here if  I'm in the 24-hour project or not.

Now the question was. "Who's gonna pay for the project", acyually, the goverment where I live has to pay for this. Another phonecall was born, this time it was a lady from 'Cimom' or something like that. The lady from Humanitas informed us that 'Cimom' goes about the paying. (Are you still with me?) My counseler told 'Cimom' my situation and about what we did so far with Humanitas over the phone. It was a nice lady, and she confirmed that the goverment has the right to pay the project  for Humanitas. She was very clear.

So far we have filled in the form, and next week perhaps the meeting with the staff from Humanitas, I hope it will be soon. I heard aswell that you have to have a un-stabillity to be a part of Humanitas, it surely is not a hotel, like when your broke and have no income and no money, but further your completely healty, then you can forget Humanitas. I can't think of an un-stabillity I have, but maybe my thyroid problem can give solutions.

 
Next phonecall was for my income, sigh! First we called the goverment,and again a nice lady answered the phone, my counseler asked if I could get an extra income until Gak starts to pay. I have been five or six time at the goverment place to ask the for an extra income, cause Gak does not pay yet, and everytime I got there, I got to hear the same story over and over again, "You can't get money here, Gak has the right to pay you". And this time the same story again, "You can't get money here, Gak has the right to pay you". My counseler asked for an explanation.

But the lady didn't want to go with us, my counseler kept on talking with her. But after 20 minutes with absolutelly zero result we stopped the conversation. We both were stunned that they didn't want to give something extra, they have the right to do that. I'm oficially a citizen of my village and I have no money and no income, and Gak does not corporate, that gives me the righ for the extra money untill Gak starts to pay. On to the last phonecall.

We were both tired from the phonecalls and we took a coffee first. My counseler asked me about what I will do when I don't have a place to stay next week. I could not answer him, cause I just didn't know. Maybe I was thinking to easy on my self again and was already sure that I can get in that Humanitas project, and ofcource I won't be on the streets as a homeless, are you kidding me? I realized my counseler was serious,and I told him that I'm not going to live on the streets, "I don't even have a place for my suitcases when I do that," I told him.

"Well, you can't stay here at my office, and leave your suitcases here", said my counseler. He wanted to wake me up and tell me "Hey, this is reality, wake up". I understood him but could not bring out a word. I was only thinking, "What on earth is happening to me, this just can't be true!"  I just couldn't believe this. I'm a 100% aware what is going on but, the only thing I can do is shake my head and say, "what has happened to me, is this me?" three weeks ago I was still in Canada, this can't be true!

My counseler made one more phonecall, and that was to Gak. I kept my fingers crossed. The phone call was rough and hard. It almost ended up with bad words to each other. A lady answered the phone and my counseler explained again what was going on and asked for the 'Canada' letter again, but, same story again, the letter didn't come yet, we can't do a thing until the letter arives,  blah, blah, blah. Gak told us aswell that, if they couldn't do a thing yet, we should inform the goverment from your village and ask them for an extra income, until we have the letter, right!

We just called them and they said we have to inform 'Gak' cause there is the place where you had your income. The conversation went rougher, and the lady raized her voice. "We can't do a thing until the letter arives." My counseler went on and gave it everything, but nothing helped. The lady told us, "Your client had the duty to inform us when he went to Canada, but he didn't." That was my right and my duty yes, but I completely forgot about them, cause I was busy with other things, like moving and selling things, getting ready for the big trip to Canada! Now they told me that I just had to inform them and we would just had payed out a sum of money. The conversation had to stop cause it was a defenitly 'NO'.  We ended the conversation, and my counseler cursed a few times. We just couldn't believe it.

It was time to go, my counseler had more to do. I thanked him cause he did so much. One thing I hoped for that Gak still will call my Aunt, and that they aren't mad, after we made that  phonecall. I bought a few cheapy groceries and headed home. Funny that I call it home, but it isn't actually home, it's the place I stay for a while.  My Aunt mailed me when I got home, she told me that 'Gak' had called her, and that they wanted a new written letter, cause they still didn't recieve it, there must have been something going wrong. So, AGAIN, I wrote a letter, and posted it right away, for five seconds I thought, I'm gonna give them the letter personally instead of posting it. But it's a 40 minutes travel with the train so, no!

I think and I hope that next week many good things will happen, things that will get me moving forward and that I can actually build something up. I don't care if it will go slow or step by step, if it goes forward then I'm already happy. But first, weekend! This weekend I will do some research for my income. I need money!  And who said money doesn't make happy.

Lazy day today...

Lazy day today...

There is not much to do and not much to say today, perhaps answering some emails or searching for some jobs on the net. Tomorrow I will know more about my situation, I got a few things to do. First at 10:00am the counseler appointment, after that a phonecall again to 'Gak', I hope they finally recieved my letter. And maybe a visit to the goverment for some extra money.

There are a few things what I concern about...

1) I need to pay my dentist, the last visit he asked me to pay right away. But I told him, I will pay it tomorrow cause I forgot my wallet. And up comming Monday I have the next appointment.

2) I need to pay the place where I'm staying when I leave next Monday, or maybe I can pay them a bit later bit later. (Depends on Humanitas and my counseler)

I need Money!! It concerns me, and I know I have to find a job. Tomorrow I will know more. Today it's relaxation. What do I do when I relax?  Sleeping and make nice meals, and reading on the internet. Specially blogs now! hahaha! I wonder why. I noticed that a few people are following my blog but they forgot to click the button "Follow." Come on People! 

Looking back at the place where I am now and have to leave next week (Prolly and hoping) I had a nice time, even though I had my sad and crying moments, this place did me good, I had my rest. I still think back sometimes at the couple where I first was, the couple who throwed me out the second day already. I think it was all meant to be, cause, I didn't saw myself staying there for a few months, I needed to be alone for a while, I needed rest. I'm sure what I achieved now, I wouldn't have achieved there.

I don't know what will come next on my path, but I'm almost sure it will be 'Humanitas'. It frightens me a bit to go there, It's a huge difference then where I used to was the last 2 and half year. It makes me think "What on earth has happened to me, what's going on with me?"  I hope I will get trough this, there is no other option. But still it feels unfair! I shouldn't keep saying this but, I didn't do wrong, to deserve to be in this situation. I shouldn't blame anyone. And I wont! I will get trough this.

And now something else...

Have you ever had the feeling as a blog writer that your kinda lost and don't know what to write, or that you think that your blog gets boring? Well, I'm at that point now, LOL! Maybe I should post something funny, or something totally different, something that totally makes no sense. Uhm, yeah let's try that!

Here we go... let's talk about fortune cookies. I never knew what fortune cookies were until I met Saf, we went a few times to 'Manderin' or '' Imperial', there both Chinese buffet's. And at the end of a meal the waitress gives you a plate with some fortune cookies. It's funny to read them. Here are a few.....

                                              "You will find a bushel of money."         

                                     "You are going to have some new clothes."

                                   "Maybe someday we will live on the moon!"                        

                                                                  "Don't panic."

                                  "You will find a thing. It may be important."              

                                                               "Buy the red car."

                  "You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly."  

                                         "Never kiss an elephant on the lips."  

                           "You may be hungry soon; order a takeout now."

Tasn!

I miss this little girl...

Geesh I'm so weak when it comes to kids, Saf's 7 year old stole my heart the first time  I saw her, and still does. Before Saf and I met we did our chats on the computer, and we used sometimes the webcam. The little kids loved it! Specially Tasn, she made funny faces and asked me many questions. Her first question was always about getting her gifts, LOL!

The first time I saw Tasn, she was shy. Saf picked me up from the airport together with Dako, Noor and Cle, from there we went to Saf's friends, to pick up Ab and Tasn. It was weird to see them when you know them only from the webcam, it looked so unreal. Tasn took place in the backseat and was quiet. (shy) I looked a few times behind me to look at her, she laughed and blushed. Thinking of that moment makes me missing her.

 Later on she talked, and I can remember her bad tempers what she so now and then had. Always complained about the food in the morning, It was funny though. She cried sometimes so hard when she had a temper, that I felt sorry for her, I always walked towards her and tried to calm her down. I still did that the years that followed. We have so many good memories.

I remember that I was afraid of her tempers or her naughty behaviour. Specially when they let me babysit her, Oh dear, what will happen? will she tear the whole house down? I got used to it in the months that followed, and I got along with her very well. I learned her things, like riding a bike, what almost seemed impossible when I first saw her trying to ride a bike. I watched her grow, and I watched her learn many things. 

                                                                           Tasn~

                                                           A tiny little angel
                                                   that always is in bloom
                                              you brought me so much light


                                               your cuteness is so stunning
                                                  your smile makes me melt


                                              I was proud to be your Daddy
                                                      it's the best I ever felt


                                                  Oh perfect little princes
                                                         With you I'm lost


                                               Every night before I dream
                                                   I thank the lord above
                                              To know someone like you

Get me out of this misery...

Get me out of this misery...

The future doesn't seem so bright at the moment, I shouldn't be thinking this but I can't help it. I'm waiting for response from my counseler, and I'm waiting for response about my income. It's difficult when your only can keep contact trough a laptop, if I want to call some people I need to go to my Dad, and he lives 30 minutes from me. I messaged the people from Humanitas, (yep, I'm going for it) and told them my situation, and asked them what they could do for me. The response frightend me...

Hello Sjon,

Social work could sign you up for a 24-hour counseling process if you have multiple problems, as you told. However, the Goverment is Partly Responsible for placement. Upon notification by example, MWD has a planned intake to Assess were there there is a basis for placement assistance. The Additional costs can be recovered by Nijverdal .

If you do not want all this then there  is directly a sign of  homelessness, you can use a night shelter provision. It costs 6 euros per night and you have a place to sleep. During the day you can go look for other housing. If there is no place in Almelo, we will refer you to Enschede. At the Salvation Army or Wonne.

Right! So, yeah this actually scares me and it makes me nerves and concerned. It's so easy now to get visions of me walking down the street being homeless, and I just can't help it. I don't want this, and I'm kinda lost.

The tide turned a bit....

Though the tide turned just a little bit. My plan was to go to my Dad, to use his phone, (again). He was sleeping in his chair when I arrived, and I knocked softly on his door. He woke up and said, "Hello," I sat down and had a little talk with him. It was time to make some phonecalls, first my counseler, cause it's been a while since I heard from him. He wanted to contact me as soon as posibble he told me that last Monday, but no sign from him yet.

A lady answered the phone and she told me that my counseler will be back Friday. Sigh! "That's late", I thought, "Can you leave a message"? I asked the lady. That was alright, and I told her, that I need my counseler cause I don't know what to do, and that I didn't hear from him yet. I told her aswell that I contacted 'Humanitas', and that I need him to contact the people there. "I will sent your counseler a mail, right away", said the lady.

I was concerned cause everything took so long, the counseler and my money. I didn't feel so well at my Dad's, I was dizzy and tired, I did not wonder why. The next phonecall was to 'Gak', my monthly money income. And again they told me, "The letter still didn't arrived, "You know it takes 7 days for a letter to arrive, and after that we have to discus the letter", the lady told me. I talked a little while with her on the phone and complained that I really need income cause I'm broke.

The lady felt pity, and understood my situation, but she couldn't do a thing about it. She was nice and appoligized to me. I drank my coffee, and decided to go to a 'uitzendbureau' that is a agency where they look for jobs, you can register or sign yourself in, and the people there going to find jobs for you what will suite you. So, thats what I did and then went home. I needed rest and nothing else. Just a day off with no worries or look for houses, jobs, etc. Nothing!

I arrived at home and opened my laptop, I saw a few mails and was suprised to see that one of the mails was from my counseler. He told me that he got in contact with 'Humanitas' and that he wanted to sign me in for a 24 hours project. My counseler wants to see me on Friday at 10:00am. "Finally," I thought. The counseler told me aswell that I should keep searching for solutions for your problems, and that I should keep begging for extra money by the goverment.

I was happy with the contact, My problems aren't solved yet but, atleast I got some help. So, Friday I go to my counseler, and I will call 'Gak' again. And if they still don't recieved my letter,  I will try to get some extra money from the goverment. Today I dared to look on my ING bank account, it said, 16 Euro and 50 Euro cent! I could have guessed this but I wanted to be sure.

My Horoscope...

Keep your mind on the present, Aquarius. As much as you'd like to be somewhere else, your daydreaming is getting out of hand. If you're sincere in your desire to explore other lands, begin some research. For now it's better to focus on any problems that make you want to run away. Open a dialogue with anyone with whom you've had a misunderstanding. You will find this brings immeasurable relief.

That makes you think, right? It made me think, and some things in that horoscope were right. I still miss the Family, ofcource, cause it's still fresh. It's not even weird, cause, 2 weeks ago I was part of a full Family, and now I'm alone. The 2 and a half year I was with this 'awesome' family was not nothing, when I think of it. I lived with them and shared my life with them. I surely lived! And now being back here that hurts!

So, let me daydream for a little while, I'm sure I will get other things on my mind, when I have to focus on my future. I said a few times that my goal is to live somewhere else and not in my own village, (not the same ol' again) and I want to visit the kids and Safa in the near future, and don't worry horoscope, I sure will do my research first, when I visit Canada again.

Don't ya worry! But first things first!

I was thinking....

I was thinking.....

I was thinking last night that this blog really needs sometimes something  positive  and not always sad and negative writtings. I will try to end every post from now on with 2 positive things or thoughts.  p.s. I'm planning to write for a long time, and at the moment I'm going trought this proces. But this proces wont last a lifetime. so eventually the Sun will rise again on this blog, you watch and see!

I'm feeling a tiny bit better as yesterday, yesterday was a full day with lots of talks with counselers and not much time for myself. And a day with a bit of pain from the dentist, lol! I can tell you a rootcanal treatment sounds more painfull then it is. The dentist was a nice guy and comforted me so now and then. The only thing I have troubles with is to keep my mouth open for 45 minutes with all these dentist tools in my mouth.

I slept out today cause I planned not that much this morning. At 9 I woke up and made myself breakfast, and opened my laptop. I searched for some jobs with succes, I responded on them and now I wait for them to respond back. I have the feeling I can't do that much this week. My counseler wants to contact me these comming days. And then I will see what his plan is with me. He knows what I want, he has all the information he needs. In the first place I need a place to stay so I can come to rest and build up slowly my future again. And ofcource my income, I need money. 

Yesterday the other counseler talked to me about 'Humanitas', that is a project with people who help you out if your homeless. Sounds scary right?  That was my first thought too, I was thinking of homeless people from the street, drug addicts and thieves. But the lady told me that it isn't what you think it is. These people who are living there, are also in relation problems, ofcource there are other people to who don't have a place to stay but they devide the people in groups.

The staff at Humanitas helps you financially and emotionally, they help you with getting yourself on the right track again. Still it scared me and made me nerves. I thought, "I don't want this, and I don't deserve this." Now today I'm thinking a bit lighter about Humanitas. The good thing about the people there they help you moving on and besides that you get a room for yourself. The place where Humanitas is is not in my village but in another city called Almelo, that's a 30 minutes drive from here. Almelo is one of the city's where I would like to build up my future.

Today I went to my Dad to see how he was, and to pick up my clean washed laundry. My Aunt offered to wash some of my laundry. My Dad was okay and I took my laundry and went to the bank. I still had to pay the bill from the dentist from last night, I hoped I had enough money left to pay the bill. I needed 70 Euro and the money machine gave the message that I could only get 16 Euro. I sure didn't expect that!

"I'm broke, I'm out of money, what to do now?" I thought. "Shall I go into the bank and ask what's going on? Shall I ask my Dad for money?" Thoughts, thoughts, I went to the dentist and sat in the waiting room (I wanted to tell them that I can't pay them, maybe I can pay them at my next appointment) I waited 3 minutes at the dentist, but know one showed up. I had doubts and decided to go to my Dad, to tell him what happened. I was tired aswell and I just wanted to go home!

I wont ask my Dad for money, but maybe he offers me, I don't know. My Dad was a bit concerned but didn't gave me money, he told me to take it easy tonight. "It's fine, I'm going home", I thought. In such situations my "do not panic or go mad button" is on, "it is as it is, and I will try to figure out something," were my thoughts. It was such a long bike ride and the wind made it heavier. I cursed  a few times, cause of the heavy wind and my money problem. I did a bit of grocery and went home. Sigh!

At home I tried to get contact with my counselers and the  goverment trough email. I'm waiting for response. After my dinner I got concerned and thought about my money problem. I have never been in this situation, but I learned aswell that when you really in big trouble, then just keep going cause on a certain point it will turn around into a good or better point, meaning it will come good, hopefully.  It's a positive thought.

Something positive!

I was telling in the beginning of this post that this blog need sometimes something positive and not always the negative writting or sad writting. Well this day ended not really positive though, let's try this tomorrow...

Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Dream On

Bring me back....cause I can't believe I'm here...

Bring me back....cause I can't believe I'm here...

Monday was a full day, with lots of emotions and tiredness. And the day ain't over yet while I'm sitting here writting this post. Sometimes I  just think to myself, "Is this really happening?" or "I just can't believe I'm here." I'm moving slowly forward but not in a way I want.

I got up early cause I needed to be on time at the appointment for counseling, 8:30am I wanted to be there. I was afraid that I overslept, but I was on time. 6:30 I got up and thought, "If I don't get up now I will sleep longer, and miss my appointment." I was tired but ready to go, it rained a bit but not that hard.

When I got at the appointment I was right on time. The counceler shook my hand and said "Come on in." When he asked me to tell what the problem was, I told him that I wrote it down on a paper, cause it's such a long story. That was okay, he told me. While reading the paper I cried a few times and I thought to myself "I don't wanna be here, and I don't wanna read this, I want to be back in Canada, where I belong." Reading that written letter made me think back at Canada. 

 I had it hard, but continued. The counseler wrote it all down and felt pity. "I sure want to see you again", he said, and wrote down my email adress and phone number from my Aunt. (I still don't have a phone) He wanted to mail me back for a next appointment, and I thanked him. Then I went to my Dad for a little break, cause I still had a hour for my next appointment.

I nearly fell asleep at my Dad's, weird, cause usually my Dad falls asleep when I'm there. I sure needed a nap again after all this. It was 10:30am and I decided to go to my next appointment, the 'urgenty' appointment. It rained harder this time but luckly I had a umbrella. When I arrived, I had to wait long cause the 'lady' had another meeting. After waiting for 30 minutes, she came and told me to come with her to another room.

We sat down in a little office, and I told my Canada story again. She was a counseler aswell she told me, and I was happy with that. Again, I cried reading the written letter I made of my story, "It's so difficult", I told her, and she gave me  a glass of water. She heard my story and she wanted to help out. Together with the other counseler, where I talked to earlier, "I'm gonna contact him and I will speak with him about this, "After I spoke to him, he will contact you", told the lady.

Today I called aswell for my income, cause I wanted to know if they recieved my 'written letter' already. The first lady on the phone wasn't so friendly and she told me "What letter?! "we stopped your income, if you need a new income you have to ask for it again.". "Damn", I thought! She just didn't get it!

I waited 10 minutes and I called again, this time there was another lady who was friendly and she told me, that they didn't recieved the letter yet, but if we get it we will have to discus the letter with our staff and then we make a disicion, It's better when you call Thursday or Friday back. Sigh! I will call them Wednesday again.

I felt like crying, when I got home, but I didn't. I had some angry thoughts, cause I just can't believe that Saf would put me in this situation, "Why?" I thought. I sure understand why we broke up but, look at me now, I don't deserve this!  Sometimes I have these thoughts, and I know that such thoughts doesn't help me further, but I just can't help it. I guess it takes alot more time this proces then I expected.

I surely don't hate Saf, and she doesn't hate me. I have to get trough this and I want to get trough this. I want that in the end I will have a nice house and a nice life. So I can say. "Hey! it was all worth it". I want to be able to see Saf and her kids in the near future and have a good time as friends. Cause for sure we had our good times aswell.

Look at Saf and her kids now and look where they came from, she did so well, Saf  can be proud of herself, and you know what, I can say, I was a part of it! Good times!  I don't want to waste my time thinking bad of her after we broke up.  And that's a good thought, right? Bare and be patience with me in this proces.

Alright, the moment of the day was ofcource the dentist, I didn't look forward to it cause I don't like dentists, not personaly, but the drills, the smell in the waiting rooms, the nerves, I sure know better and nicer things to do then that. But I was in pain, and so I went. The good thing about it was that it was at 6pm, meaning I didn't have to be in pain from the drilling the rest of the day. First I was getting 5 anesthetic injections. and then the drilling started and I must say, it was a piece of cake and went pretty fast. No pain!

The root canal threatment went perfect, they putted a fake filling in the tooth after cleaning the infection, then next week I get another fake filling and then next time the real filling. The fake filling was a kind of a medicine. Ofcource the anesthetic felt weird in my mouth afterwards. It's hard to drink a coffee with a swollen lip, LOL! Next Monday the next threatment!

Missing the family....

Missing the family....

I know now what it is and I know how it feels to have a close family, it's the most important thing in life,the closeness and the warmth feeling, sigh! This morning I had a visit from My Aunt and Uncle, they told me they found a house for rent, and it's only a small 300 Euro in the month. Once a week we get in our village a little newspaper with houses for rent. But it's only for the people who are registred as a searcher at the goverment. You have to have a certain amount of points to vote on a house. Once your registred you get 1 point per month.


I am not registred yet but My uncle said "Take the paper with you, and showed it to the people where you have a appointment with tomorrow morning". That's an idea. Tomorrow I have a appointment, they want to look if I can get urgenty for a house (Urgenty is something what you get, when your in a certain situation,or your not able to work or, something like that) I will cross my fingers.


My Aunt and Uncle told me aswell that my Dad had it hard while I was in Canada, he still doesn't understand why I was going, and it's very hard to explain it to him. I should have contacted him more, or write more letters, said my Aunt. I should have, I know, I explained them that we had a very hectic and busy life in Canada and that I tried to write my Dad every month. I gave him gifts and sent him letters and photo's, but I guess I should have done it alot more.


There was so much going on with my life in Canada, we had 3 movings, and then there was the ex who showed up out of know where sometimes, creating havoc as always. Then there was me sometimes struggling with myself with my first ever relationship, plus being  a first time ever dad, was a experience aswell. But I'm not complaining, I had the time of my life in Canada! I was a Dad, although it was sometimes difficult, taking care of the kids was a bless.


The sound of the two little ones calling you "Daddy", was amazing! I had great times with Saf, and I can go on and on with telling more positive things. I learned alot, sure there was sometimes some issues and argues but it was good aswell. There is a huge difference living here then living in Canada, and I'm sure sure now that I'm not gonna stay here in my village. It's to much of the same ol'. Didn't I already said that? lol!

I decide to go to the sauna today, like I use to do on Sunday's for years. But I had doubts first, I didn't feel much of being with people or meeting people I know from the sauna, the people I know there will prolly ask things about Canada, and I don't feel like talking about it today. But I went and it was okay. It wasn't so busy and there were no people I knew from then. It was kinda boring, cause there were not much people.

I stayed for 2 hours and that's long enough, I was glad I was going home. Sometimes I rather be alone, then you can act the way you want to  feel, without putting a fake smile on and say, "I'm okay". Tomorrow will be a long day. I will be early up for the counseling appointment and afterwards the 'urgenty' appointment. I think I will be done around 12:00. Then heading home and rest,and then prepairing myself for the dentist. Ouch!

I say an interesting tread on a forum...

The 5  stages of grief... 

The first stage is shock and denial. This is the initial "I can't believe this is happening" stage. You may think or feel things like "Maybe we'll get back together" or "This can't be over".

The second stage is depression. In this stage you feel the sadness and pain associated with the loss. You may eat and sleep too much or too little, have crying spells, have little energy, and lose interest in things you usually enjoy.

The third stage is bargaining. In this stage you may be thinking "Maybe if I/she/he had done this or that then we would still be together" or "Maybe if I/she/he will do this or that,maybe we can make it work".

The fourth stage is anger. You may be angry with him/her, yourself, or both. Thoughts and feelings such as,"How dare she/he, or "She/He has really made a fool of me".

The final stage is acceptance. In this stage you finally let go and start moving on.

Sound interesting right? I can't tell wich stage I am in now, I think it's for everyone different. What I do know is that the stages are  recognizable, cause I noticed them. Sometimes I'm mad and sometimes sad, and yeah, sometimes I think, "maybe, if we should have done it like this or that", or "I should have done this or that".  Thinking all this doesn't help me further, it's over between Saf and me and I have to get over it and move on.

It will be a long proces for sure, cause I know myself.  (Tall guy with a small heart, lol! Saf was my first love, and it hurts knowing our relationship is over.

It's not easy to realize that you had a entire family and then all of a sudden there gone and your alone.... 'The word 'homeless' scares me'.

It's not easy to realize that you had a entire family and then all of a sudden there gone and your alone.... 'The word 'homeless' scares me'.

I had a good sleep, I woke up and saw sunlight trough the curtains. I looked at the clock and it was 9:30. (woot!) I had no plans for today only doing some grocery. I wish I had no complains and I wish I could see everything from the bright side, I sure need something positive. My head is mush and I need sleep. I will take it easy today, and tomorrow maybe to the sauna.

My Aunt is sending me E-mails quit alot this week, telling me what to do, (wich I already know) and keeps pushing me in things that is just impossible. Today she sent me a message telling me to go to the Goverment, and tell them about a house my Aunt saw in a newspaper. Well, it's Saturday and the Goverment is closed, and even though, you just can't go just like that and say "Hey, I found a house, can I live there?" My Aunt means it good but, aargghh! sometimes.

A little update about the things I have settled and not setlled:

I needed a Social Incurance, Well, that is settled, I filled in the papers and the lady sent in the mail. I think I will get a mail back saying it's confirmed.

I needed to become a citizen of Nijverdal, That is (I think) settled, they needed the letter from the owner from where I'm staying to improve that I'm really here. That letter I putted in the mail.

My monthly income,  pffeeww, that was something. I wrote the letter with the story what happened in Canada what they wanted and mailed it 5 minutes ago. They told me that it might take a few weeks.

A place to stay, so far no succes, I keep on searching on internet and have called brokers, but, it's difficult. This morning I looked again for cheap summerhouses and mailed a few companies. I'm waiting for response. Monday I have an appointment with a lady who's a member of the Public Housing. I have asked for 'urgenty' (people who are homeless or who are mental sick get usually a house faster) and the lady wants to see if I can get urgenty. Second, the owner of the house (where I am now) left the date when I have to leave open, when I filled in the papers. Maybe I can stay a bit longer.

I want counceling, I found some counceling and it's free, upcomming Monday is my first appointment.

Looking for a job, to be honest, I looked for it, but my body and mind is saying wait, I'm not ready yet. I'm not able to work yet. First I want to settle down and find a place to stay. If I would work now, I will end up getting depressed and have a huge breakdown, so, NO, to work. (Sorry Aunt)

Like I said, I didn't plan much today, My Aunt messaged me, if I could come there Sunday morning, so we can talk about my situation, and then later I could go to my Dad to have lunch. Well, I was planning to go to the sauna aswell. My Aunt lives 10 km from my place, if I go from my Aunt's place to my Dad that's another 6 km. from my Dad's to the sauna is another 6 km. That's alot of km's on a bike. I'm tired aswell, these last few months have been heavy on my heart.

I sended a message back to my Aunt telling them to come here. And they agreed. Let's see what they have to say.

Lenny Kravitz - Calling All Angels

It's tough!

It's tough!

Last night I almost gave up and thought "Let it all be", I didn't want to search for houses and jobs anymore. I wanted to have the feeling of, "It will come by it self'." I had  a feeling of madness aswell, seeing the family having fun with karaoke on Facebook, was a bit tough, but they move on aswell, ofcource, what else can they do, right? I need to move on aswell, but it's so hard! There is so much to do and I don't even know where to start, it's like a huge puzzle!

My wish would be, living somewhere else and start a new life, you know, what I mentioned yesterday, being away from it all, and start a complete new life. No same ol' again. But that sure ain't easy. I didn't plan much today, but at 8:30am, I went again. I really  needed to make a few phonecalls. When I arrived at my Dad's place he was sleeping, sitting straight up on the couch. I snapped my fingers softly and he woke up. 

After the 'hello', and 'how are you?' I asked my Dad if I could use the phone. "Sure", he said, I took the phone in the sleeping room again, otherwise Dad will get annoyed. The first phonecall was the goverment at the Townhall, I wanted to ask them if everything is settled with my citizenship. They said that they were still waiting for a letter, the approving/comferming from the owner of the place where I stay. They have to approve/confirm that I'm living there for a while.

If they get that letter, then everything is settled. I mailed the letter yesterday so that will be alright I guessed. Second I called to 'Gak', the company where I get my monthly money from. And what I was afraid of was true, they stopped paying me a while ago. Like they said at the  goverment, they tried to track me down, but couldn't find me while I was in Canada, then they signed me out automticly as a citizen. 'Gak' got a message from them and stopped my income. The lady on the phone told me to write a letter to us and tell exactly what has happend in Canada.

I knew what to do. One more phonecall to the Doctor, I asked them for counceling, and if that's possible in the state I am now. The doctor told me that you better get a health insurance first before starting with counceling, cause there pretty expensive. I said, "Okay". My Dad knocked on the door and asked me to stop with calling, pffeeww, he really gets on my nerves sometimes. My Dad is deaf, and if you explain him things he doesn't hear it. I putted my coat on and went off. First to the goverment, to see if I can get some income again, cause I don't know how long 'Gak' is gonna take. They told me 2 weeks, first I need to write a letter to them.

I have been to the goverment this week a few times for some extra money, and the guy who's always there knew me. He told me that you can't  get money now, you first need to work things out with the people from 'Gak', "Write that letter, show them you need money", said te guy. I was getting tired and hopeless. I even started to think of Saf and got mad again, I thought, "I really hope she knows what I'm going trough, cause this is more thougher then I expected, this is hell". Saf knows where I'm going trough," but she can't do a thing right now, only wishing and hoping the best for me. 

I knew after the break up that this was going to be hard and difficult, starting a whole new life sure isn't easy. But this hard? No! I was thinking "How could she do this to me"? "What was she thinking". I started to think negative, and that makes the situation heavier, I shouldn't think like that. It's wrong! The guy from the goverment gave me one tip, he told that some councelers are free here. And he gave me an adress. When I got at the adress a doctor told  me that his next appointment is on Monday between 8:30am and 9:30am in the morning. I knew that I wouldn't get help today, so, Monday is perfect.

"One last thing then I'm heading home",  I thought. The health-insurance, I had filled in the papers and the lady behind the desk corrected a few things and then it was all settled. It's a pitty that I don't have a phone, I always have to give my Aunts phone number. And on some file's you can't give your adress cause you don't have one. 


                                                                            

Anyway, I headed home after all that and decided to rest, when I get home. and so I did. I had lunch and went on the laptop. After lunch I wrote the letter to 'Gak', and posted it. I decided to stay home, and just relax. I looked for some jobs or houses on the computer, but that's hard to do, many sites ask for your income, but I don't have one. Or you have to pay, for a comment on a nice house that you just saw. After my Dinner, I gave it all a rest, just chilling with some TV and the laptop, playing some games and watch funny videos.  On facebook my Horoscope said this:

Lately you've been go, go, go. Perhaps it's time to slow down. Be easy on yourself.

I like that, and I will do that, cause I deserve it! It's been a hectic full week, I know I have to hurry with finding a place to stay, but I need my chilling and rest too, tomorrow another day!

Yesterday on Facebook a friend messaged me and told me....

I guess you should have stayed in Holland in the first place as you took a huge risk and from your comments on Facebook you seem homeless...........

The day I went to Canada was the right decison I made then. The word what scared me is 'Homeless', cause if you think of it, yes, I am homeless.... I hope not for long.

Good days and bad days...

Good days and bad days...

This day started of sad and lonely, you know... The hardest feeling happens when the day is almost done or early in the mornings. In the evening when I'm about to go to bed I have the feeling that I'm missing something, or someone. And it's the same in the morning, I wake up and know one is there, I'm alone. There's no Tasn, with half awake eyes, hugging me, or Ab who's begging for a chicken-sandwich in the morning. There's no Saf who wishes you a good morning, I can go on and on. I have been busy these last days, and achieved alot, but when I come to rest, then I start thinking of things, thinking of my time Canada. Friends of mine told me it's a process your going trough, and it is a process. I need to get trough this and I will. In this process I will have good days and bad days, there will be crying moments and there will be smiling moments. 

'They' will always be a part of my life, but the closeness with Saf is over, good friends is what's left, I hope. And I would be happy with that, in fact VERY happy! Ofcource there are thoughts of, "I can't believe this break up,"or "Why, is this happening to me?" That's all part of the process, ups and downs, but I need to move on. And I will move on, sometimes it goes by it self and sometimes I need a little push. I can stay till 31 January at the place where I am now, then I need to move again, Perhaps that I can see aswell as a little push, right? I'm on to my next challenge or perhaps something better, something better for my future. Today I went to my Dad early and from there I went right away to the dentist, my old dentist. My plan actually was to call some dentists from my Dads place, but, oh well, to much of a hassle. When I got there they knew right away who I was . 

I told them what's wrong with my tooth and asked what the repairing will cost. They told me that I can come back for a appointment at 3:10 pm today and the costs for one filling will be 60 Euro, maybe they will take a X-ray too, "It's best when you take 100 Euro with you." said the dentist. It was 9:30 am and I agreed with the appointment. My next plan was to do some grocery and then to my Dad and spent the time there till my dentist appointment. After my grocery shopping (I had quit a lot and it was heavy) I went to my Dad's place and there I got tired and sleepy. I nearly fell asleep and I wished for a long nap. "Your Aunt and Uncle are coming in 30 minutes", my Dad told me. And I thought that maybe they can bring the heavy grocery to my place. I shouldn't have bought it here, cause there's is a supermarket 5 minutes from the place where I'm staying. Anyway... I decided not to wait for my Aunt and Uncle...

I grabbed my heavy grocery and my bike and headed back. There is this huge hill between my Dad's place and the place where I'm staying. Usually I walk first and then cycle that piece. It was heavy. I arrived and went on the laptop for a bit, Saf signed into MSN and I talked with her for a little while. Feels good, talking to her. Even though we broke up, it doesn't mean we can't talk to each other, there's no hate. I needed a nap, and I took one, I think I slept for an hour. I felt better and opened my laptop again and checked my mails. After that I cleaned the room and the floor. It was 2:30 pm and there I went again on my bike. Again up hill for the third time and again I need to get back aswell, that will be the fourth time then. The dentist was already waiting and he took some X-ray's. He didn't had good news. He told me that I needed a new filling and two root canal treatments. 

That will take three appointments. I wasn't so happy with that but it was needed, plus I didn't wanna keep the pain.The dentist couldn't do anything today cause he had short time. Next Monday at 6:00 pm will be my next appointment. I'm not really looking forward to it, it's going to be painfully! And it will be painfully in my wallet. But okay, let's move on, I headed back and one more time that up that hill. I made some dinner and went flat on the couch for a rest. Tomorrow another day. I had one more phone call from my Aunt, sigh, she had a phone call from a lady, her name was Linda and she had work for me. I said, "Okay, and what is her number so I can call her back". My Aunt told me she didn't know, "You will have to look in the phonebook," she told me. Further she complained that I really have to look out for work, and that I  have to move on and that I can't go on like this. 

Sigh, ow well, my Aunt! Ofcource I know I have to move on and ofcource I know that I need a job, she might think that this is easy and that I don't do a thing, but, I do! In fact, when I was riding down the hill earlier I was thinking of my further plans. What I really would like is to live not where I am now, not in this village. I have been two and a half year in Canada and before that I lived all my life in this village where I am now. Being back here in this village brings me back to the same ol' same ol' add to thatthe  memories that Saf and Ab were here  for a visit. I don't feel a challenge here, I rather go somewhere esle, I know for sure that somewhere else are more oppurtinities. More then here in this village. I don't want to stay here. I'm going to find a new home in a new city, that is a  good challenge,  I want to go for that.

And that's my plan. Away from my Dad, (sigh) but most important away from my Aunt and Uncle, and my so called friends, they will never understand why I was in Canada.  I'm 42 and that's old enough that I can make my own descisions. And I will. What do you think?