A blog-post-blackout!

A blog-post-blackout!

One of the best things that you can blog about when you don't know what to blog about, is blogging about not knowing what to blog about! Confusing?  Ok, so I admit a part of the reason for this post is because I don't know what to blog about. I’m sure it happens to many blogger's, including myself sometimes! There is not much going on here at the moment, I'm waiting for a important mail, now I can talk about the mail man that he's lazy, but that's not so exciting, to write about.

I can talk about that there were clean chores this morning, and that I cleaned the whole entire kitchen, and swiped/whipped two floors, but, I don't like to brag about myself that much, and everyone knows by now that I like to clean. (Oops, I bragged!) I can talk about that I filled in my files/papers for my extra monthly money, and that they are ready to be delivered, but, I don't really feel to. Coffee! I can talk about that the coffee here is okay, and that they use powder instead of milk, and that sometimes my neighbor on my section steals sometimes a half cup of sugar while having our coffee break, but, I'm not that a coffee drinker, I rather drink tea. So, I don't mind if they use powder instead of milk or that my neighbor sometimes steals a half cup of sugar.

Hmm, maybe I can talk about that I don't have to cook tonight cause there's the weekly  free dinner again at the Church here in town, but, I don't like to repeat that I go twice a week to the weekly 'free dinner' every week. Though, I like going there, and they serve nice and good food. What about talking about that I got early up this morning? But don't I do that everyday? I mean I get up everyday early, just before 6:30 or 7:00. Yeah, but this time I took a early shower, but, didn't I do that aswell yesterday? And the day before? Aarrghh! This is just a day with a black out, there's nothing to write or post.

I'm just waiting for my mail and then I can continue. What mail? Just a few mails that Gak confirms with the extra money (I doubt it) and then another mail from the ING with confirming with my new address. So, yeah, not that much today, Ooh wait! I just had a E-mail from a New York department, they want me to be America's next top model! Gosh I'm so happy!  LOL! See you and write to you tomorrow!  

My ever changing moods...

My ever changing moods...

I didn't slept so well, I couldn't catch my sleep last night. Something kept me awake, just a few thoughts I was struggling with. I was awake early, at 5:00 I woke up and turned around and around. 6:30 I got up and had a quick shower. I made breakfast and went on the laptop for a bit, just to kill some time for my appointment that I will have at 9:15 am. It's time to go to a next level, meaning, taking more time to do things. And not escape to the computer, to see if my friends are there, or Saf and her kids. 

I was thinking about this last week. Like I said yesterday, I'm ready, I calmed down. I'm proud of myself what I accomplished so far. I want to take a little distance from Saf aswell, I guess  it will be better for me, or for us both. It will help me and maybe help her aswell to move on and settle our own lives. I hope that this "little distance" now from Saf doesn't keep us separated from being friends, because doing this does, not mean that I'm  in a fight or in a argue with her.

I need to move on with my life and build things up again, no more sad or miserable feelings. I will take one step at the time, little steps towards some goals I want to reach. These goals are finding a nice house, get a proper job, and become (filthy) rich! LOL! Once I reach that goal, I would like to travel or join a sport or a club and just enjoy myself. For now I think it'smore then clear that I'm still in a process of grieving  and missing feelings. Because how long has it hasn't been that long since I was in Canada. One and a half month, and I spend such a long time with them. I spend 24 hours daily for almost three years with Saf and the kids, I still remember the first days we met. 

Maybe it gets boring if I keep bringing this up but, these little three years made a very deep impact on my life, I keep saying it. And now .....now there is this huge distance between us, being alone again is not fun. Here at Humanitas they have a goal for me aswell, they talked about building up a "new"connection of friends again. Well, I'm not ready for that yet, cause that will be tough. I really hope that people understand where I'm going trough now. Be patience with me, cause, everything will be fine again, it just takes some time or alot of time.
On with this day, my appointment at Social Services went well. 

They offered me a coffee, and we all sat down. The guy who helped me asked me some information and I could answer every question easily. This appointment was about getting some extra money, cause I'm under the minimum wage. Although it went easy it felt a bit like a puzzle too, so many things he had to know. What is your working past? How long were you un-employed before you went to Canada? When did you came back from Canada? Etc, etc. The talk lasted more then thirty minutes and then the guy sent me to another guy. 


This other guy asked me no questions cause he already had the answers from the first guy who spoke to me. He was friendly, and gave me instructions in what to do next. He gave me a bunch of papers and told me, "These papers need to be filled in and returned here at the office within seven days." He told me aswell to bring some copies from my bank account, from Humanitas, and from Gak, plus my passport. And that was it, I will fill the papers in and make some copies and return them. Only the copies from the bank will be a problem, cause Social Services asked me for my monthly bank statements from six months ago. 

Well,  I don't have those statements, I stopped with my bank statements when I went to Canada for good. I went to my bank (ING) after my appointment and ask them how to get these bank statements, and they told me, "That's not possible." I needed first to change my old address to the new address where I live now, if that is settled, I will get a mail back from them and THEN I can ask for the bank statements. ING told me I should get a liability insurance aswell, it was only three Euro per month, I agreed. 

What a puzzle, but things will be solved, it only takes some time. Sometimes my head is full, I think I should get a agenda. Writing things down what has to be done, organize things, I like that. I wish the weather would get better soon too, the sun is good but still streaming cold. I wanna get out and do things.  Friday night me and two others guys, have decided to go do some cooking here in the kitchen on the second floor. Fish will be on the menu, me and him will pay each five Euro, and off to the shop we will go. Tomorrow, (Saturday) another guy asked me to help him with some furniture to move to his new apartment, I told him that I will be there.  I'm moving on!

Dave Gahan-Hold on(acoustic performance)

You keep sending me all these things
I'm learnin' how to smile
You keep sending me all these things
I think I'll stay a while

Tried to talk to you in my dream
You looked at me and smiled
Your smile said to me
I'll have to wait a while, I have to wait a while

Hold on, you opened my eyes today
Hold on another surprise

You keep giving me all these things
I see them in your smile
You keep giving me all these things
I think I'll stay a while, I guess I'll stay a while

Hold on, you opened my eyes today
Hold on another surprise

Hold on, hold on, you opened my eyes
Hold on another surprise

Hold on, you opened my eyes today
Hold on another surprise

Good day Sunshine...

Good day Sunshine... 

I'm in need of some positive boosts, and once I have them I got to keep that boost! Positive talk or positive messages, is what I use. Something that wakes me up and gets me going. Yesterday I was getting a nice message from someone and it woke me up. I know I'm moving on, sometimes it goes automatically, but sometimes I just need that (firm) kick in da butt.

Ofcource it's still there the 'missing them' part, but I can't keep going on missing them. I need to stop being a 'sad man,' stop whining, show them what I got. I think I'm ready! I'm sure that Saf and the kids rather see a happy me, then a sad me. They will feel more happier and comfier when they know I have landed on my own two feet, and can move on with my life. We are both moving on, although I'm going just a bit slower.

This morning it was cleaning time again, (chores) and I really went for it. I swiped and whipped the kitchen/dinning room floor, and swiped 4 stairs plus the downstairs floor. I was tired afterwards but satisfied,  it looked much cleaner then before. Should I be ashamed that I like to clean? It seems no one likes to clean here, LOL! It's a gorgeous day with lots of sunshine, but there's a streaming cold wind outside. I went out once to buy some grocery, and I think I'm done for the whole week with shopping for food.

The 40 Euro what I weekly from Humanitas get is just enough, I should stop buying these extra treats, LOL! Though I always look what is on sale and what is cheaper. Cheap is sometimes good but not always. I know now what stores I have to go for groceries, and they are all walking distance.

Today I had a meeting with Paula my project leader from Humanitas, she told me that everything is going as planned. I told her,"But why does it feel to me, that it's much more then I expected?" She answered, "Cause your not used to this situation, you never been in this." She told me that, it's just a little thing for her, "I have seen much worse," she said. Me and Paula meet once a week, to see how it's going and how far we are, and what still has to be done.

Tomorrow I will have a meeting with Social Services for the extra needed money, I'm still under minimum wage. Social Services will take care of that, otherwise they wouldn't have invite me. My health insurance is all settled aswell, I have delivered my payed debts from the dentist and for my medication, and in three or four weeks I will get 75% of the being payed money back. I signed in today at a housing corporation in Almelo, the city where I am now, they will find a house for me, that might take a while but it's a start.

I want to sign in at more corporation's, to get more chances to live somewhere in the neighborhood. I don't want to go back to my old village 'Nijverdal,' I want to start with a fresh, new life, and not the same ol' same ol' again. It feel like I'm on a mission! Thursday I will have a look at my first new job, Paula is coming with me, she told me. This 'job' it isn't a pay job, but just a kind of a job-project to see what your able of, or just a day-filling, it's all new for me. I'm 80% excited and 20 % nerves.

Meaning I'm ready, I have calmed down, and had my rest. Everything is going well, although it always takes time. For example you can't ask for an income or a house and then get it right away, such things takes time. I can sit and wait for things, but I can aswell do something use full, I'm going to work. it's only for three days in the week, when you succeed there and your having a good time, they will look further for you for another job. That's why they call it aswell a project.

Things are going well, but still I'm taking it slow. Today I was thinking at houses, "How am I going to pay for it, or how wil it be, living on my own again and where?"  All these thoughts are not necessary right now, first I need to get my income in order, pay my debts and get my extra money. And then I can slowly start to think of houses. I need to live day by day and not think of the future, the future will come by itself.

Now if you will excuse me.... I hear my laundry is done. See you tomorrow!

A Sunday well spent....

A Sunday well spent....

There is not much to write today, I have been relaxing. I got up early again, Do I ever need a clock? LOL! Everyday I wake up the same time, it's been always like that. Aswell in Canada, I was always up first, sometimes before the kids woke up or after. Sometimes they woke me up with there loud noises, but hey! There kids, what can you expect. Right? 

I got up at 7:00 and took my medication (for my thyroid) After that a tiny breakfast, and then relaxing on the laptop. I wasn't feeling so well, perhaps I was still tired from yesterday's enormous bike ride. My stomach was hurting, and I didn't need a big breakfast. Like I said before, there is not much to do here in the weekends. It's quiet, and most people are out or in there rooms. Shall I go out? No! I'm relaxing, and spending a day inside.

Yesterday I was thinking to change my little room around, and today I made a start. When you open the door to my room you saw right away the bed, and I didn't like that. Where the bed was standing, there is now the chair and the desk, the huge closet stand next to the desk, around the bed is much more space now. I will show you how it is now with some pictures...

Where the chair and the desk were standing first, stands now the bed.

The little tiny fridge has more space now, first a huge closet was standing next to it.

 The huge closet, where use to be the bed was standing.

 The desk, I have to organize it better LOL!

 And I need to buy some more fruit....

I'm happy with the big windows, it's a very small room, so all good for the big windows.I got two of those.

















The Sunday is almost over, and I'm happy with it. Weekends are boring here, you really need something to do during the weekends. This week I will sort out my money and income, cause at the moment it looks like a unsolved puzzle. And maybe in the end of the week I might get some work, Humanitas asked me about it, it's actually all kind of work and they want to see what your able off, it's like a day-filling aswell. We will see what this week brings. See you Tomorrow!

Floating trough the days...

Floating trough the days...


You can compare this day with yesterday, a bit of the same feelings of 'missing them'. Like people  say, sometimes you have good days and sometimes you have bad days. Today I forced myself to do something, and that went okay. I don't like forcing myself, cause it always end up just as how I felt before or maybe worse. What did I do? I stood up at 7:00 am, had a shower and made myself breakfast. A few hours later I jumped on my bike and headed of to Nijverdal. (Woot!) I had the wind in my back, it was a cold wind and it was grey. 

While I was driving I thought about going to my Aunt aswell, and not only my Dad. The thing was, my aunt lives more in the east of Nijverdal and my Dad more in the south. So, it was a bit of a round trip, with lots of up-hills. My Aunt was surprised when I came by, "Come on in," she said.  While we were sitting down she asked me about the money from Gak, cause there was some misunderstanding (as always wityh Gak). two weeks ago Gak called my Aunt, and they told her that I'm getting twice a paying per month from them. 

In the month of January I haven't got any money from Gak, now they are telling me that I have the 'right' to that January money. Gak sent 'that' money to Humanitas, and they told my Aunt that Humanitas has to pay my debt with 'that' money. (The debt from my staying at the summer house) The second paying is for the month February. From what I know was that I only got one paying from the month February, and that was it. I will inform the Humanitas office about this coming Monday. It's all so confusing.

From my Aunt's house I went to my Dad's, and I was already so exhausted, "I won't stay that long." I thought. Dad was alright, he always ask if I got my bicycle back, the one I shipped over from Holland to Canada. I explained him so many times that, that bike is broke now an still is in Canada. But he keeps asking everytime I visit him, I think I should tell you readers what happened with my bicycle. This bicycle came from Holland to Canada with two child seats, one on the front and one on the back.  


One day, Ab and I were planning to go for a little ride on my bicycle, and I asked him, "Where do you wanna sit, on the back seat , or on the front seat?" He replied, "Back." And there we went, it was a nice day. Sometimes Ab can't sit still while I ride, he moves then his feet while I'm ridding, I told him to be carefull. Suddenly just before I wanted to stop for the traffic-lights, he went flying of the bicycle! I thought, "What is going on?" Ab and the child seat went flying and landed on the ground, thank god he had his helmet on and the child seat catched the fall. 

Ab cried but he didn't had a scratch, thank God! The fall must have been such a shock for him, poor Ab. I'm sure he got his toes between the spakes of the wheel, 8 or 9 spakes were missing. I picked up Ab, and put him on the sidewalk. The poor little fellow, he stopped crying already, but I felt sorry for him. I told him that it's going to be alright, and that he's brave. We decided to go home for some candy. We had to walk cause the bike was to damaged to ride, darn! Things like this can happen, and I'm glad that Ab was okay. Another  reason that kids always have to wear helmets while riding there bikes! 

Back to my bike ride...


On my way home the wind got stronger, and I had to lay almost flat on my bicycle to not catch the wind. I was exhausted, and decided to make a stop when I saw a little supermarket. I bought a few grocery and took off again. The last few miles were tough but I managed it. I was glad I was back in Almelo. I won't be planning much tonight or tomorrow,I think I deserve some rest. I heard some good news aswell today, one day before I went to Humanitas, I bought Noor a little present for her birthday. I bought her one pair of earrings and one bracelet, plus a little birthday-card. 

I put it all in a envelope and send it to her, it would take two weeks to deliver the present in Canada, Barrie. So, I guess I was on time. Today Noor told me she got the present and she was very happy with it. A bit to early, but okay. Better early then late. I was happy aswell when it arrived, I was kinda concerned that it wouldn't. I wanted the gift to be a suprise, but I would have asked a few days before Noor's birthday if she had looked already trough her mail. LOL! It's a nice thing to do, and I liked giving it.

One of the days....

One of the days....

Today is just one of those days, I have it hard, I think more of 'them' then I usually do, I don't know why. I miss them and I always will it seems, sometimes they flash trough my mind, but I keep moving on with the things I do. But today, I rather be alone and sit in my room. It's easy then to think back at the day Saf and I broke up, but aswell thinking back at the moments it was good and fun. Thinking back at the time when I had fun with the kids, Ugh! I miss them! 

Thinking up loud: "What am I doing? What am I doing here?" I just can't believe I'm here." Here at Humanitas they take good care of me, I have no complains. But, at the moment I rather be somewhere else, somewhere far away. If I had the option to do one wish right now it would be, that I could  spend the coming weekend in Barrie, Ontario, Canada.

It's not fun being alone, and thinking of them makes me sometimes stop doing things. Just sitting in my room, and maybe clean up a bit, I might go into town later on, I will see. It feels like I'm in a circle and I feel fine in that circle, it's safe and comfy. I don't mind that circle, it's my circle. I will break it when I think it's time, I know myself, that I won't be long in that circle. At the moment I'm feeling lonely and I miss them, but I can aswell suddenly get up and say to myself, "Alright, let's do something!"

These last 3 years in Canada made for sure a very deep impact on me, otherwise I wouldn't have felt this way. It was all I ever need,  a loving lady, and gorgeous kids. Why did it end up this way? What was God's plan? What has God planned for me? What's next God? So many questions, where I don't have an answer on, I don't have to answer them, cause it won't help me. Like I said before, keeping contact with Saf and the kids is important for me. I will never forget them, NEVER! I refuse that!

I should make some plans for the weekend but, that's hard to do with not much money. I would love to visit a sauna or spa, but there so expensive. I might go visit my Dad or my Aunt in Almelo. After 3:00 pm I went out for a bit, my idea was to buy a hair clipper. I saw a cheap on at a store yesterday. I had a look in the store and the cheap one was still there and I bought it. I came home pretty exhausted, it was cold aswell. I opened the box with the hair clippers and...

 ...I saw scissors, a little brush, the wire with the plug. But where was the hair clipper? There was no hair clipper in the box! So I went back to the store to get a new box, but this time with hair clippers. When I used the hair clippers it already died in five minutes, the battery needed to be charged up and the package said it could take more then ten hours. Sigh! My hair was half done.

Yeah, today wasn't a good day, but I came trough it. I will see what tomorrow brings, I hope the weather will be nice. I think I will relax and take it easy, and just enjoy the things I'm planning. Roll on weekend!

Ugh! When there's no internet...

Ugh! When there's no internet...

Today around 9:30 am someone at the office pulled out the plug from the internet. That someone does that so now and then. When the internet at the office downstairs has a bad connection or is going to slow, that someone will pull out the plug. Some of the people who live here has a computer or a  laptop in their room. One of the rules here at Humanitas is that you have to try to do less downloading on the computer. 

If you download something and the office gets a bad connection because of 'that' downloading, they will pull out the plug, no mercy! It's almost 4:00 pm now and we still don't have internet, I'm writing this piece on Wordpad. Ofcource it sucks sometimes when they pull the plug out, you might be writing a important mail, or maybe writting a resume, or you talking to someone important. Sigh! Have mercy!

What has been up today?  Not that much really, I have been after my health insurance and that's all settled now. I'm getting some money back from the health insurance within 3 or 4 weeks, cause I had some debts for my medication and ofcource the dentist appointments. I saved the debts and gave them to my health insurance. Further I'm busy with getting some extra money, cause I'm still under the minimum wage. I knew where I had to go, and they made a appointment for me. Next Tuesday at 9:15 am I have to fill in some forms and probably I have to answer some questions. It's all good.

I'm still waiting for the response back from the Canadian embassy where I sent a mail too. I red the info on the embassy site, and there it said: 

We encourage you to read all the information available on this website. Please also check the FAQ section. Should you have any question regarding work permits under the Youth Mobility Programs left unanswered you may send an e-mail with your question to iec@canada.de. We will not answer any status inquiries within the regular processing times of 6 weeks.

I hope I get an answer back, cause I'm a  tiny bit worried, about this. I think you know by now why. Maybe I should call the Canadian embassy. Am I going crazy or insane?

Today I had a nice conversation with my project leader, she's nice and not afraid to talk. She's helping me out and she sure will put me to work, but in my own tempo. Her name is Paula and today we went trough my mail, there are still a few debts I have to pay, the dentist and the staying at that summer house. That's why that extra little money is so important, so, I can save up some money to pay these debts. Today I was getting my weekly food money again, I don't like it when I have to ask for it at the office, but that's the way it goes. I almost never know how to ask such thing when I arrive at the office, "Can I have the food money?"

And then perhaps holding up my hand? After 6:00 pm we had finally the internet back, I just got back from dinner. Dinner was good,we had mashed potatoes with kale, we call it, "Boerenkool." It was a nice winter meal. Although the sun was high in the sky and out the window it looked warm, there was a very cold wind. I think were getting a cold night. Can't believe the days are going by so fast, it's almost weekend. How am I doing? I'm okay, and moving very slow forward. I had a nice comment on my Facebook this morning. It was from Mar, she told me she misses me. I miss her too, we had some fun together in the last 3 years. I hope your well Mar! Love you!

I will never forget that moment once when Mar was laying flat on the kitchen floor and started to laugh. She just layed there being bored, and all of a sudden she started to laugh. After 30 minutes I went upstairs leaving her behind, LOL! I came back after 40 minutes and she was still laughing, that's Mar! Mar is fragile, 'handle with care,' but can be tough aswell, she can be annoying but in a funny way, she's definitely a teenager that's oblivious. Mar is a sweetheart and I love her!

Stepfather and daughter, are very close. They are best friends, and can be enemies sometimes. They laugh and cry, call each other names, and mess around. And there still as close as ever.  Nothing will ruin their Stepfather and daughter relationship, not even boys. They may keep secrets,  from one another, but there still there, to care and help. Their still Stepfather and daughter.

Prefab Sprout - We Let The Stars Go

It is written in the stars....

It is written in the stars....

Here is your Today's Aquarius Horoscope:

Things are going your way. Your desk is clean. Have a conversation about the future.

I can say that the things are going my way, yes. No rush, but steady on moving forward, it's all good. This morning I had to sign some papers, from Humanitas. Just to confirm with my staying here, and that I agree with the rules in this building, etc,etc. It's a normal procedure, just like we have the normal procedure of cleaning twice in the week. This morning it was that cleaning time again.

13:40 pm.

Showing initiative is never wrong..

That's the first thing the staff told me here, they help you around with things but I have to show some initiative aswell. I struggled with that first, cause I didn't know exactly what I have to do with that. I did my things what I need to do in my eyes or thoughts, but then they told me to take it easy. I like to give a good impression, but where do I start?  I did to much, in there eyes, showing some initiative is in there eyes, keep your room clean, follow the rules, don't be sitting whole days in your room, when they call you for something important, you have to come, show aswell that your willing to work on yourself, etc, etc.

Alright! Back to this morning, buckets, cleaning and dust towels, and all- cleaners. Everyone was doing something, they were all were busy. I swiped and wiped the downstairs floor, and that was it. There's not much to tell at the moment, perhaps later today. In the late afternoon I'm going to the church for the free dinner, it's twice a week, Wednesday and Thursdays. It's nice!

18:48 pm. 

On my way to the church for the dinner I had suddenly that 'missing' moment again. First I think of the kids, and then Saf. Weird though that suddenly I have such a moment, five minutes ago I was okay and talked with the guys, and then 'beng' it hits you. I was thinking of Tasn, thinking of how she might be doing. I miss her hugs, and her voice. When I have such a moment I rather be alone, and then I can start begin with thinking. Thinking back of her and how we use to play, I don't wanna escape these missing moments by doing something else, like I wanna stop the 'missing' feeling. I think it's also better to just let it come and then let it all out.

Like I said yesterday, I would like to visit Saf and the kids so now and then. Maybe, once or twice a year, that would be nice. And I'm actually doing some research already, cause I think you all already know that there might be a chance that they could send me back to Holland, I overstayed the permitted 6 months big time. Imagine your on your way to Canada, your all excited, and when you finally arrive, they send you back to Holland! Now THAT I am trying to prevent.


What's the research I do trough internet?  I search on Canadian travel forums. I told my story there in short and asked my question, I had already some answers....

~You should address your questions to the appropriate authorities.

  

~I would suggest also contacting the Canadian Embassy nearest you.

~Indeed NO ONE here on the Travel Forums are going to be able to help you... you'll be dealing either with Canada Border Services Agency (Customs & Border Control) OR in your situation more than likely will be referred on to Citizenship & Immigration Canada... see this HOT TOPICS Page = http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/visit/index.asp

~Hard to say whether you’ll be allowed back in or not, having over stayed your welcome without going through the appropriate channels to get an Extension, may not bode well for you in the long run (shows you can be unreliable).

  

~The longer it has been the better, at least longer than your last stay and more than six months preferably.

~You really should have a round-trip ticket, and carry in carry-on bag some documentary evidence of your ties in your home country, perhaps some utility bills in your name, pay stubs from employment (not being employed can oft times trigger a closer examination of the FN), and so on. Not a real lot, but enough to show where you live and your ties to that place.

~the odds are favourable unless you have some glaring red flags: if you are attempting to return to Canada soon after an overstay, for example. Probable (emphasis on "probable" since this is largely like weather forecasting, no sure bets on this table) worst case scenario is being allowed entry and given a Visitor's Record for a short time.

~I'd suggest that you need to take massive proof that you intend to leave at the end of however long, not just a return ticket but proof you have a life back home , job , bank account mortgage , lease etc. and proof that you have enough money to do you without working illegally

So many answers and a few options, I sent a mail to the Canadian Embassy in Berlin. Actually first to the Canadian embassy in The Hague, but the answered me back by saying, "we don't do immigration and travel anymore, you can contact the Embassy in Berlin. I thought, "Damn! Al the way to Berlin, if  The Hague would corporate, I could visit them if they need something. Berlin is in Germany, The Hague in Holland. But, anyway, the mail is sent to Berlin and I will see if I get a mail back. 

Further research is needed, the sooner the better. I'm thinking, maybe there is something like a a month-visa.  Or a paper that you have to proof that you will be leaving again, I don't know. There has to be something, I need to know for sure I can come trough customs before I fly. Tips are welcome! 

Oh, yeah!  Dinner was delicious we had rice, kind of veggies and chicken.  Tomorrow again, but then another meal.

A little bit confused and a little bit exhausted...

 A little bit confused and a little bit exhausted...

Let's start with the exhausting part. Today it wasn't my plan to go again for another bike ride, But I went. The same route as yesterday, and almost the same weather. Yes! I went again to Nijverdal, because last night my Aunt sent me a mail, she told me that today 'they' went to my Dad's place, and Dad had a mail recieved from Gak for me. In the mail Gak confirmed with my monthly money, and according to my Aunt it was quit a big sum of money. I thought, okay, that's nice, but why did Gak sent the post to my Dad's address?

I had Gak on the phone last Friday and they told me that they confirmed and then they asked me, where to send the mail to. I told them, to humanitas, but still they sent mail to my Dad's address, there sure is something going wrong. I was a little bit confused today aswell, I know at Humanitas you have to show a good attitude, show them that your willing to work on your future, be positive. I did that in the beginning, but then they told  me to relax. They will take care of things aswell, I dont have to do all the things alone. It confuses me cause now I don't know what to do, or where to start, I like to do things.

So, I decided to go to my Dad, I had not much to do anyway. I will get the mail,  stay there for a little while and come back. In that way I show a good attitude towards Humanitas I guess, plus I make a further start with my life. (If Gak starts with paying then every other thing can start aswell, Gak is the engine, for taking of) I felt good and I started my trip, I had the wind in my back and off I went. In a no time I was at my Dad's , I greeted him, and he told me about the mail.When I red the mail, it didn't make sense to me what so ever. I had to read it a few times, and again a few times.


Gak is going to pay for me a amount of money every month. With that amount of money I have to pay Humanitas aswell. Oh well, I will just say what I will get monthly, I get 509 Euro in the month, at humanitas you have to pay rent, and that will be 767 Euro. So, 767  Euro-500 Euro is les then 0 Euro, With the less then 0 Euro I have to pay my insurances aswell. I was a bit confused after this, cause less then 0 Euro isn't enough. I called with Gak at my Dad's and ask them to explain me the mail one more time. And so they did, and the mail was correct. I will have to talk to Humanitas, cause I felt like I was robbed. I needed more Money then the 509 Euro I'm getting monthly.

The way back to Almelo was tough, this time no wind in the back. "Never again two times in two days biking this piece," I thought. I was dead exhausted when I arrived at Humanitas, later on in the afternoon a secretary from the downstairs office asked me for the mail from Gak.  She's a nice lady, she's leading me trough this project. After reading it I asked her to explain the mail for me, and she did. I asked her why I'm getting only 509 Euro from Gak, I have to pay rent here aswell, I can't afford that. She answered, "That money you have to pay for your staying here, is not only rent." She went on with telling me that, if I would rent a house you also have to pay not only for rent, there's insurance, gass, electricity aswell.

I can get an little 'extra' amount of money, said the secretary. Cause if your under the minimum wage, you can get a little bit extra to get the exact wage, If I'm above the wage, then I can't get it. So, I have to ask for that little extra money, that means I have to fill in some forms and send it to Social Services here in this city.  I filled it in right away with her in her office and sent it. Confused? One more time, Gak is paying me every month a amount of money, with that money I'm paying for my staying at Humanitas aswell. (rent) The rest of what's left is mine, I can buy clothing or what ever is needed. I will still be getting the 40 Euro every week from Humanitas for food. 

I filled in a form for a little bit of extra money (minimum wage) and sent it to Social Services, I sure will hear from them again.There is still much more to do, and when I think of it, my head will be a mess afterwards. So, I will  just take it slowly, and live day by day. I have no idea yet where I want to live either, and I don't know what Humanitas is upto with me. But I know that they will help me out with something good. There is a working place near Humanitas, called Reha, and some guys here were sent there to work. You don't get payed, the work will just help them to get back in the society. Maybe I will be send there too, I will just see what happens. You can see it aswell as a day-filling.


How am I doing? I'm okay I guess, a month ago I couldn't look at pictures from Saf and her kids. I would let a tear or feel miserable, but now I can just look at it, and think of the good memories, and think to myself, "They are not gone." Sure I still miss them, and I always will, but, I also need to move on. I'm sure will see Saf and the kids again one day, or more days.  It's a good feeling to know I can. You know, I like it like this,  how Saf and I talk so now and then whenever we have time, or a little chat with her kids, it feels good. We both are moving on after our break up, each in their own ways, but we never forget!

A full day...

A full day....

11:06 am

Lots to do today, I will  sort out my map 'important mail' in my Hotmail, to look what's done and what still has to be done. I like it when everything is in order. At 2:00 I have a dentist appointment, I can go by train and spent six Euro or I hop on my bike and keep the six Euro in my wallet. The last option seems a good idea, although it will be a long bike ride. It's a 45 minutes ride from here to the dentist, cause I still have my old dentist in Nijverdal, I will take my time and enjoy what's around me. Option two it is then.

This morning with the coffee break the staff gave us some cleaning chores first, everyone was doing something. It's a good thing for the people here, so that they can get used to do things. Once they get a job, they have to full fill aswell duties, it's one of the things Humanitas stands for, to get you back in society. I was tired though, and thinking of the bike ride what I have planned today it made me think twice. But I cleaned some of the things, I cleaned the men's toilet in my section, and wiped/swiped the kitchen and dinning floor.

There is an issue about the men's toilet in my section, apparently there is someone who can't aim rightly in the toilet. I have seen dirty toilets before but this is different, it's insane and I can't believe what I see. drops all over the floor even the door, (Sorry!) Everyone is complaining about it, but they can't find a solution for the problem. We know who it is, and we clean it everytime but after 10 minutes, it's dirty again. Sigh! 

4:08 pm


I just got back from my bike ride and the dentist appointment, the weather was nice on my way there . The sun was shinning and 8 degrees above zero feels nice, not bad for a winter month, right? I arrived way to early for the appointment, I had to wait 45 minutes, I talked a while with the dentist assistant. I know her well, cause I have been a patient there for many years with this dentist. We talked about Canada, and a bit about the break up, I could tell she was concerned. I told her that I'm feeling a bit better now, better then a month ago. 


The assistant asked me just before I went to Canada for the first time if I was sure I wanted to go, I told her, YES! She grabbed then 10 tooth brushes from a dresser and she told me, "Here take that with you, it's for the kids!" That was nice of her, she told me today that she will be traveling this year to Canada, for the Indian summer. I could have asked her If I could come with her and drop me of in Barrie or Mississauga, LOL! but I didn't. It was time for my treatment, and I took a seat on the dentist chair. 

I thought they were only getting out my fake filling and replace it for another filling, but they did a second filling aswell. The tooth was hard to reach and I had to relax. Not so easy tough with so many stuff they put in your mouth,  A drill, 3 cottons, 2 spit suckers, and a screw thingy. I nearly choked in one of the cottons, LOL! I catched it with my tongue and gave it to the assistant. The pain is not so nice but the thing what most worries me is my tongue and the drill, those two things just don't get along. 


After an hour I was done, and my mouth had cramps and felt dry, my next appointment will be the first of March. It started to rain a bit when I cycled back, and I went a bit faster towards home, kinda weird to say 'home,' still. I can't think of another name to call it. My place? I will call it home for now, though it doesn't feel like home. The rain was okay, it didn't rain that much, as soon I got 'home' it rained harder, thank God! It was a long ride. 


There is one thing that worries me, sometimes it pops up. I would like to visit Saf and her kids by the end of the year, or maybe the end of the summer, but I don't know if the Canadian border will let me in the country. The customs already asked me alot of questions when I arrived the first and the second time, the third time was much easier. If you come to Canada as a visitor, you are alowed to stay for six months, then you have to leave. 


The first six months I stayed, I nicely went back to Holland for a month and came back to Canada.  When I returned to Canada I bought a return ticket, just to be sure the customs will let me trough. Cause my ansd Saf's  plan were that I stayed for good. (I can stay again for six months, though after the six months we will see what we do, we will find a solution, Saf told me. When the six months were over, we were busy with other things and didn't think of a solution. 


And yes, in the end I overstayed the permitted six months big time!  Almost a year! You can see the stamps in my passport with the dates and the year. When I will travel to Canada again by the end of the year, they will maybe see the stamps and refuse my entrance to the country. Just because I overstayed the six months. I know I won't stay for good, cause I will be on a visit. I will surely return to Holland, but they don't know that, and I have to come up with some good reasons.


I have been researching the net a bit, just to get some information. I checked on Canadian forums, and the comments there are all mixed up, some say, "Sure, if you follow the rules, you can come in." and some say, "No, cause you overstayed the six months, the customs will get  suspicious." If I have some time I will do some more research, cause imagine when I will land in Canada, and the Canadian border refuses me, and sent me back. I don't want that! 


Further research is needed...

Every day should be like Sunday...

Every day should be like Sunday...

I'm happy that my arm is getting better bit by bit, it surprises me. A few days ago it was hurting so much I could not even sit or lay down, and now I'm actually doing things. What did I do? Well, I cleaned my little cozy room, and organized it as far as it's possible. And I must say, it look nice. The soap water was black, so it sure looked like it needed cleaning.

Further I cleaned a little bit the kitchen on the second floor. that's the smokers section kitchen. We have three floors in this building. (or how do you say that) There is a red section, that is the first floor, and then a green section, that is the second floor. And the second floor is where I am, yes, the green section. The third floor is the yellow section. Why do they call it the red yellow or green section? I have no idea, every door on every section has the same colors, section red has red doors, section green has green doors and section yellow has yellow doors. 

Every floor has a toilet and a bathroom plus a shower, and there are two kitchens, and one none-smoker section and one smoker section. There are two sections where you can wash your clothes, there are small washing machines tough, there not like in Canada or America. There is a dryer aswell (thank god!) It's quit a big building, and the shops and the train station is walking distance, that are good things. 

Like I said,weekends are boring here. I didn't went out, I was tired. Tomorrow I will make some plans, and see what further I can do to build up my future. There is still lots to do, but it's coming. At the office here they told to be patience, sometimes it's just like sending a mail, you have to wait for an answer. But I'm glad with what I have achieved so far. Every week I climb a bit higher towards my goal. Sometimes I look back and I smile, cause I know it's all going to be good.

How am I doing with the grieving part? I'm doing better, better then a month ago. Sometimes I read back the beginning of this blog, and then I think back of the last few days just before my flight. I was tired then and fed up with myself and fed up with the whole situation, I was done. I wished that the last few months being there would have been easier, I mean, ofcource I was busy with arranging things with my trip and finding a place to stay, plus having it hard with the break up wasn't easy. It was just awkward being there after the break up, but I have no regrets that I stayed, it's also what I needed.

I needed to get slowly used to the idea that it was over between Saf and me, not like, pack my bags and go. I wanted to say goodbye on a decent way. In short, I wasn't ready yet to go. Sure I still miss them, I will treasure the memories. In the beginning of our break up I was upset and felt sad, I just couldn't believe it. As the month December went further and I worked hard to get things done, I slowly got used to the situation. I have been thinking alot those days and had many walks on my own. I talked in myself while walking, thinking up loud.Crazy, I know.

But it helped me clearing my head of bad thoughts, I often thought, why did it came so far? Why? Why, did I fail when afterwards I knew so much better. Why? It did not help to answer these questions, it was over and out. I was part of a great Family and a blessed girlfriend. I thank God that I'm still friends with them. They mean the world to me! When, I walk the streets here in Almelo or Nijverdal or visit a shop to buy grocery I still sometimes think, "What am I doing here? "I can't believe I'm here, I don't belong her." It's sometimes feeling so unreal. 


Another blog..

Maybe you know that this blog is the second blog I'm writing, my first blog was called, "The adventures of a newborn Step dad." Recently I started to read that blog again, and I realized that I surely went trough alot these last three years. Alot of things where I never had to deal with back in Holland. I surely could have make a movie about it,or write a book. but I'm not a film producer or a good writer. I'm taking my hat of for Saf aswell, what she has all been trough, in Egypt and in Canada. 

I should take my hat of for myself aswell, cause, I never been a 'Daddy,' I never had to deal with a silly and stubborn ex, (sigh!) I never been in a relationship, I never had to deal with five kids, (Though I loved it) I never knew that there is much more then just only love each other in a relationship, I never changed a diaper, I never knew I was such a clean freak (LOL), I never knew that young kids mostly don't listen, I never knew I had so much patience, I never had to move two times in one year with a big family, I can continue on and on. 


I don't have any regrets what I have been trough! Although it was a totally different life what I used to have lived, I LOVED it! Yes, I complained, but, hey! Look where I came from. I have chosen for this Family, three years ago and I tried my best, I gave it more then 1000%. Never wanted to give up, always trying again and again, after every fail. I love this Family! 

What to do on a rainy day...

What to do on a rainy day...

1:35 pm

You can do alot of things inside Humanitas, You could make paper airplanes and fly them across the room for instance, but that would be weird, right? I'm enjoying myself on the laptop, and later on I will make a nice dinner. I'm just taking it easy, cause there is not much you can do here in the weekend. I should go look for a sauna in the neighborhood, I use to go every Sunday before I went to Canada. I'm missing it. This morning I stood up at a nice time, it was 7:00 and I had a good sleep. I noticed that my arm wasn't so painfull in the night, for the first time I could turn myself on my back without any pain.

That's a good sign, it can be aswell that the painkillers are working now. I will wait until Monday or Tuesday to decide what to do with my arm, going to a doctor or not. The arm is still hurting when I lift it to high, but further I'm fine. Around 9:30 I decided to go to my Dad, the train left in 15 minutes, but, I was good on time. I had a bit of luck cause I needed to buy a train ticket, but I had only coins and paper money. We have ticket machines on train stations where you can buy tickets for your trip, but, you can only pay with a bankcard. I knew that my bankcard wouldn't work cause I'm out of money, but I just tried it.

I needed five Euro, and when I putted the bankcard in the machine it worked! I payed by card and I had my train ticket! The weather was so bad tough, the rain poored out of the sky. When I sat down in the train I was already wet, and I knew when I arrive in Nijverdal, I will get even wetter cause the walk to my Dad's place will take me atleast 20 minutes. It was a long walk, and I got soaked. Dad was happy to see me, and asked how I was. We sat down for a while and we talked. well, talked? It was more repeating over and over again the same question, poor Dad is a bit deaf. After an hour I went again, heading of to the train station.

It rained even harder, but I went, cause it didn't look it would get any dryer. On my way I did some little grocery shopping and I past a few shops what reminded me of Saf aswell. (Saf and Ab were for a month in October 2009 in Holland) There was the hairdresser shop where Saf had her haircut plus perm, it was a bit awkward to be there cause Saf and Ab couldn't speak Dutch. But they were nice, and I helped them with the language. And there was another shop called 'Action,' it's like the Dollarstore but then a bit smaller. Saf and I bought presents there, for our return to Canada for the kids, plus some Dutch souvenirs.

The last thing I saw was the market, Saf, Ab and I went for a visit a few times there, eating fish, cheese, and syrup waffles. I had a good time when they were in Holland, it felt a bit weird aswell, cause, here they were in my village, spending time with me, doing the things what I daily did. Anyway, I was soken wet when I arrived at the train station. When I got home I took of the wet clothes and putted some warm clothing on. Made some nice killer sandwiches and relaxed, it was time to chill and rest! I took a nap aswell, cause I almost fell asleep behind the computer.

After my nap it was time for my dinner, I think I'm the only one in this whole building who makes a complete dinner, LOL! I grab a basket and put all the stuff in there what I need. I need, pans, plates, kitchen tools, and the food I want to prepair. Today I made something easy, curious? Come have a look....

 A salad, it's easy, cause I bought it 'ready' in a shop. Open the bag and put it in a bowl. You can add whatever you like, I kept it with some mayonnaise.

 We call these 'slavinken.'  it's ground beef rolled in bacon, they weren't so easy to bake cause they were huge.

 The potatoes were boiling. It takes 30 min. 10 minutes to let the water boil, and 20 min. to let the potatoes boil.

Tadaaaa! Simple and plain, but what a nice picture!

It was a nice and delicious dinner, for the rest of the evening I will do some relaxation. Just enjoying myself in my room, with a little snack and a drink. You can't drink alcohol here, I know some guys do it. But I don't wanna get caught, although I would like a can of beer sometimes. I'm not that a beer drinker but I drank more often while I was in Canada. The glasses and cans were bigger  there, so I can't blame them. LOL!  Enjoy your night and I will see you tomorrow.

Thank God it's Friday...

Thank God it's Friday...

For people with a job it's a well known saying, "Thank God it's Friday." Here at Humanitas it means that you really have to find something to do the coming weekend, cause the building will be most of the time empty. The people here visit there family or go out, or just sit in their room. Maybe it will be good for me to go out aswell, getting rid of the stress from the week and refresh myself.

I think there's always alot to do in the weekend,  in the city or elsewhere. There is the market on Saturday, or on Sunday the church. It's funny that I mention the church, cause it's been such a long time I went there. I went once with Saf while being in Canada, she met a few people in the store where she worked and these people were Dutch aswell. They told Saf there was a meeting every Sunday in a certain church, a meeting of  Dutch people in Mississauga. Saf asked me if I want to come, she told me, "Maybe, it's nice you meet some Dutch people here in Mississauga." 

It sure was a nice thought, and we had a nice time, but coming back for a next time?  Nah, we tought it was just a meeting of Dutch people here in Mississauga, but there was church and praying aswell. It was just to much church for us, to much praying, singing, and worshipping Jesus. But for once it was nice, it was awkward aswell trying to speak Dutch again, I felt a bit embarrassed. Here in Almelo there is a chatolic church, I might go there Sunday morning. I would like to spend a bit less time on the computer, and visiting a church might do me good. Or I visit my Dad tomorrow, it will be a long ride with my bike, but I can  take my time, I will see.

Today I tried my best to find a doctor again for my arm, the pain is at his worst in the night, I keep waking up to early. This morning I got up at 6:00 and took a shower, I just felt for a nice wash up. I must say, (I won't say it to loud) in the daytime my arm felt a tiny bit better then in the night. I think just because in the daytime I move more then in the night. That does ring a bell, right? I don't know, time will tell with my silly arm. Back to find a doctor, I could not find anyone who wanted to see me. Most of the doctors had a to busy schedule and enough patients. And I didn't hear back from the Doctor's assistant where I went to yesterday.

It's already late to search further anyway, Monday I will start again with searching. I have to be in my ol' town upcoming Monday to see my dentist, to refill the fake filling in my tooth. If I'm there I can aswell make an appointment with my old doctor, and he can take a look at my arm. Maybe it's not even needed, maybe my arm feels a bit better then. I just will see. 
There's not much more to write really, only, that it's really quiet here while I'm writing this post. It's weekend for the staff, the building is almost empty. There are ofcource some staff members here for the people who are looking for a place to stay for the night, the homeless people. 


But further there's not much to do here, in the evening I'm mostly in my own room like almost everyone does here. I like it, just being on my own for a while, I'm sure that will change in the near future. Back in Canada at Saf's place I didn't had much time for myself, but I didn't mind that either. I had enough time for myself before I met Saf, I needed people around me, and I needed something to do, something new. I loved spending time with the two little ones, even though they were sometimes very naughty. I had my good times and my bad times with them, if I had to answer the question, "Where did I spend most of the time with?" I can say with Ab and Tasn. 

Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!  ~Lydia M. Child, Philothea: A Romance, 1836.

With a Little Help From my Friends- The Beatles

Song for my friends! You know who you are...

What would you think if I sang out of tune,

Would you stand up and walk out on me.

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,

And I'll try not to sing out of key.

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,

Mmm,I get high with a little help from my friends,

Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

Do you need anybody?

I need somebody to love.

Could it be anybody?

I want somebody to love.

What do I do when my love is away.

(Does it worry you to be alone)

How do I feel by the end of the day

(Are you sad because you're on your own)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends,

Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends,

Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?

I need somebody to love.

Could it be anybody?

I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight?

Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.

What do you see when you turn out the light?

I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,

Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,

Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?

I just need someone to love.

Could it be anybody?

I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,

Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Ooh, I get high with a little help from my friends

Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,

with a little help from my friends

"The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body."

"The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body."

My left arm is still hurting, but I slept a tiny bit better. If I only could turn a bit more, cause I can only sleep on my right side. I have been doing some research online about my arm, I googled and filled in some of the sympthons I have, and all Google could find was, stress, RSI, or bursitis. Stress and bursitis can be related, it said. The muscle in my left arm just beneath the shoulder is hurting like hell, and in the night it feels stiff if/when I hold it to long in one position.

"I think a visit to the doctor wont do harm to get some answers," I thought. I would like to know what I have and what I can do with it. It's just the way I am, cause I like to be sure of things when it comes to health. So, I visited a doctor this morning. Some guys here told me there's a doctor close here. And there I went, I just walked in and asked for information and if they could help me today. The doctor's assistant wrote down some information, and asked me to come back tomorrow morning, she had to talk this trough with the doctor. Fingers crossed! Hopefully I will get some answers soon!

Some good news today, The first part of my monthly income is round. (WOOT!) Gak is going to pay me every month and they pay Humanitas aswell for my staying here, (WOOT!) I had a phonecall from Gak this afternoon. They confirmed, and I'm happy, but, but, but, I will be dancing the hokey pokey and do other crazy cartwheels when I actually see the money on my account. Never be to excited my Mom used to say. Today I will be hearing if I can stay here at Humanitas aswell, while I'm writing this I still don't know. (Eeeek)

Thinking back...

I'm really happy with this blog, although it's a lot of work writing things down, though I LOVE it! It helps me aswell, and the readers/followers get a idea where I'm going trough. They get to know me who I really am, without misunderstandings. The readers get to know about the break up between Saf and me, how difficult it was for both of us, and not only for me. This blog is about who I am and how deep I sometimes think, this blog is VERY open. And I'm surely not done with writing, oh no! I made a little change in this blog, actually two changes.

I changed the colors, cause I think I'm progressing. First it was all black and grey, dark clouds, rainy. That's how I felt in the beginning, feeling stressed, disappointed, sad. I'm still feeling stressed and sad, but less. I'm moving on slowly, with lots of good memories from Saf and her kids! I truly love them, no hatred and no regrets. They will always be a part of my life! The second change is that I made this blog open for public again, just to see how it goes. If it wont be a success I will make it private again.

At 5:00 pm there was the weekly 'free' dinner again, I went with two other guys and the food was again nice. It was the same food as yesterday but okay, I could have taken soup instead but, I liked what I had yesterday. It wasn't so busy as yesterday, yesterday we had more then twenty people, now we had only six or seven. I decided to go every week now, every Wednesday and Thursday.

Save the best for last they say.... Just before I went to the church for dinner the staff of Humanitas told me I could stay!  I can stay!!!  STAY!!! Staying for the 24-hour project! I'm so happy, now we can finally start somewhere.