That was akward...for a moment...

That was akward...for a moment...


Another full day at work, and I'm loving it. I worked alone today at some wooden tables, two other guys were doing something else. The radio was full on and we sang some songs, fun! I made three small wooden tables, without a picture, just a few models and trying to figure it out how to make it. The Boss was fine with it, when the shift was almost ended I was done with the tables, all three of them. I love my work, and no, I'm not over-reacting, lol!

When the working day ended today I was exhausted, three days is really the limit what I can do, perhaps four days but, for now it's only three days. My boss told me today to take care of your energy with your sick thyroid, there is no rush and take a look how you handle your energy. I have that sometimes in me that rushing, until a certain limit though. If I had enough and I'm out of energy I will slow down, it's a must.

Somewhat akward moment this morning, I mean in the first place it was akward, but in the end it was just nothing, or... I think most of you know that I stopped having contact with Saf, just so I could focus a 100% on my future. I always felt that I focussed more on her and the kids then what I really had to focus on. There friendship was more important for me then anything else, it's okay to stay  friends but, if it stops you in doing much more important things, then you have a problem. And I think Saf and I both figured out that friendship is not working after a 'fresh' break up.

I really don't hate her, all I ever wanted (and I think Saf does too) is/was to break up as friends, and not to break up as enemys or with angry faces. That's for me important. Okay, back to the akward moment, I had a e-mail from Saf this morning, and it made me feel akward, cause it's been a while since I saw her on my hotmail messages. I choosed for the 'no contact.' I felt myself pushed back two months, what could be in the mail? Is she upset? I was worried.

The mail was just about that I had to correct something in my blog, and she asked me how I did with my work. But (I guess) my reaction back to her was to impulsive, I answered her questions and corrected the things in my blog, no big deal. Then I explained her about the 'No more contacting with her,' why I did it and why I wanted it, in a nice way.  It was tough and hard to write 'that' down, because how on earth do you explain someone who you not hate, where you would  like to stay friends with, to not contact me anymore for a long while?

I made it myself so difficult this morning, I finnished the mail, I red it over a ten times and corrected it several times, just to not get Saf upset. I'm not ready yet for contacting her. Saf just wrote me a short mail with a few questions, I should have just answered it and let it be. Maybe I shouldn't have answered the mail with the 'no more contacting' explaining. Just had to answer her questions and that's it. I hope she gets my point and understands me, I'm moving on and she does too, both seperad ways. 

But still I'm hoping, that in the near future we can contact each other again, just a quick hello, or a 'how are you doing,' I would like to  know if we both are happy with our own lifes. Gosh, I hope this post made some sense.... I can't express myself sometimes with words. 

The 'free' dinner tonight was delicious, it was rice with veggies and chicken breasts. I was hungry and ated two plates. I was full! I'm a little concerned about my money, the ING does take so long. I want to do online banking,  and the ING sent me already my username by mail. Now I'm waiting for my new password what ING needs to sent, if I can do online banking I can copy my bankstatements from the last three months.

I need these bankstatements so hard, cause the CWI wants to see them, so that I can finally fill in my form for my extra money. It's been almost 6 weeks for asking ING for online banking, ugh! Today the ING sent me a mail and I thought it was the new password but no, it was the travel insurance from ING what I asked for before I went to Canada. It's a continueing insurance, meaning I have to pay for it every year. Well, I want my password ING! And not a continueing travel insurance where I can't pay for.

Correction~ 

Like I said Saf sent me a mail and she asked me to correct something in, so here we go. Saf and I were in a relationship for one and a half year, I met her in March 2009. Then I went back to Holland for two weeks, after the two weeks I returned to Canada for six months. The six months were ended and I returned for a month to Holland, Saf and Ab joined me a week later. After the four weeks we both returned to Canada and I didn't return back to Holland. This all happened in 2009. Our break up was in December 2010 and I returned in January 2011 back to Holland. Counting this all up, makes it that I was in Canada for 1 year and 9 months. 


Why do I keep saying then three years? Am I such a bad counter then? Perhaps I started to count with 2009 as one year already, (2009/1), (2010/2), (2011/3?) Anyway, correction acomplished.

And then suddenly it hits you...

And then suddenly it hits you...

No work today, a nice day to rest and taking it easy. It's funny and nice that I look forward to things, like tomorrow's work, and even today's coffee break at 9:15 am. I'm happy that I have such things daily, it fills the day and the week. And sometimes a little rest by laying on the bed or chilling behind the computer, I need that aswell. I don't feel forced to do things, not from me and not from another. Otherwise it doesn't feel good when you have to do things to not get the sad thoughts. Forcing yourself to do things to not get the 'sad thoughts' or 'lonely feelings' doesn't work.

In the morning I always wake up early, don't know why. Usually 6:00 or 6:30, then I'm out of bed. Turn my laptop on and take my thyroid medication, and then later on breakfast. Maybe it's just the routine what I have, I'm liking it though. Today I sent the gi'cough'ft, by mail. I don't want to say it out loud, that's why the 'cough,' it need to be a suprise for that someone. It was a relief when I finally sent it, I always get a bit nerves with such things.

Today I got the new key aswell, I think the staff got a bit fed up with me ringing 3 or 4 times a day the front doorbell. I got me a new key chain from one of the residents here, so I wont loose it again. The key costed me 45 Euro, sigh! Further the day went well, it was alot colder then yesterday though, a strong cold wind brought the tempature down. 

I had some down moments aswell today, the first one hitted me this morning after the coffee break. Suddenly it hits you, five minutes before I was having fun, and then suddenly, 'beng.' You feel sad then and a bit lonely, thinking of Saf of how she is doing, or the kids, how they are. I know Saf is seeing someone, and yeah, it hurts so now and then. Sometimes I can handle it and then I think '"Whatever," or "She's moving on, and it's fine with me, she's happy." I'm moving on aswell. And yeah, sometimes aswell I have my sad thoughts, then I think, "Saf's happy now with the other one, that other one was once me." 

The last three months were horrible between Saf and me, I was so confussed and tried everything to be calm and just to let it go, but it was to hard. I can't really explain it how I felt then, or what I feel at the moment when Saf is with the other one, I can't put it in words. But I can tell you it hurts so now and then, like I said, sometimes I'm fine with it, and sometimes, ugh! It's aswell an upsetting or sad feeling when I'm thinking, that I'm here trying the hardest to build up my entire life, and Saf is having fun with another man. I never experienced a break up, and I guess this is just the way it goes. Saf is moving on with her life, and she can do whatever she wants, and I can do the same.


I know this takes time and I know I can get trough this, cause I already have moments that I'm just fine with it. Although I'm feeling sometimes fine with it, I made an appointment this comming Friday with my counseler in Nijverdal. He's also the one who made it happen that I got to Humanitas. I made the appointment just to need that little extra help with my so now and then sad and lonely thoughts, there's nothing wrong with that. It will only make me better and stronger. Right?  


I'm ready for my brand new future!

Did you find the key yet?

Did you find the key yet? 

NOO! I did one last search last night and I will do one more search tomorrow morning in the daytime in daylight. Then if I don't find it I will ask for a new key, the manager told me to keep searching, if you don't find it you will get a new key tomorrow. The 45 Euro will be taken off from my money at Humanitas, I will get my weekly 40 Euro though, and I'm happy with that. I don't have money on my ING account yet, all the money I get (income) will go to the bank from Humanitas. They will keep aan eye on it untill I payed my bills, aswell the rent will be taken off from my room, fair enough!

A full day again,but the gorgeous weather made it all good. Although I like the warm weather (15 degrees) I miss aswell a bit the Canadian winter, I liked the loads of snow, it just has something. Work went fine this morning, I made three baby wooden chairs for in the garden, was fun to do. At 11:00 I had to go to Nijverdal, to the dentist appointment. I took my scarf of when I rided my bike, it was warm enough. Wind in my back and there I went, on my way I bought something for someone, it was hard to choose but I succeeded. I hope she will be happy with it.

What did I buy? I'm not telling, it has to stay and be a suprise. I visited my Dad after that,  he was still eating in the big dinning room with the other old people, he looked good and was happy to see me. Good old Dad, so weak now in his movements, but oh so strong inside. He will be turning 74 this year, it's been three years since I didn't joined his Birthday. I was 30 minutes early for the dentist, and I had a little nap in the waiting room, LOL! No one was there, so, I just closed my eyes. The dentist was fast this time, he cleaned my tooth (rootcanal treatment) and did a check up on my other tooth. He found four tooth that needed to be refilled, ouch mouth, and ouch wallet. 

Ofcource I will get some money back from my health insurance but the question is 'how much?' I will have to ask my dentist and my healt insurance next time. I need to keep my brains working with that, and don't start to  think that others will arrange everything. On my way back I had the wind in front and not in my back, ppffeeww, what a ride, I was exhausted when I arrived at Humanitas. I took a 30 minute break and then the to the next appointment, the counseler from Humanitas was waiting. She told me that I was doing well, and the things what need to be done are moving along. It's going slowly but okay, better then standing still, right?

The counseler told me that she finds me sometimes naive, in making decicions. I agreed with her, but I told her aswell that I changed alot in Canada. Before I moved to Canada I lived a totally different live in Holland, the changing made me confussed and the break up dammaged me aswell. I will get better, I'm half way. I feel a challenge aswell,  a new life, a new house, a new job, so many new oppertunities to live a different life. It's going well, but sometimes there are those down moments, and then your feeling not so well and you feel everything stands still. It's all part of this proces. I'm healing! That takes time.

I took a shower after the counseler appointment  and then made my dinner. How Am I feeling at the moment? I can say I'm okay, I'm happy that I'm here and that the things going well. It keeps my mind of things,  but it's also important to have a little grieve moment so now and then, to empty your sadness bucketand restart again with a empty one. Otherwise you feel like your escaping from the sadness,and then you might burst out in tears or have a huge break down in the end, and that's sure not healty.

Search... And you will find!

Search... And you will find! 

Sigh! I lost my key last night, the key to my room. I'm always so carefull with anything what's important, and now this. Let me explain, the key I lost is for to lock or unlock my room. On this key is also a plastic chip, with that chip I can open the main front door of the building where I'm staying and the iron gate to get out. Wow, now I made it sound like I'm in a prison, LOL! But no, it's all for safety. So, yeah, I lost that key, I have no clue where it is, last time I saw it and felt it, it was in my pocket. I really don't get it!

This morning when I went to work I made a little note for the office, telling them that I lost my key, and I asked them to lock my door, for just in case. I brought my laptop,wallet and the tons of pictures of Saf and her kids with me to my work, yeah I'm silly. At work I called to Humanitas's office, to ask if they want to locked my door and what I can do next. They told me that I have to keep on searching for a few days, perhaps it will show up again, it happens sometimes they said. If I really can't find it after a few days, I will get a new one, BUT, it will cost me 45 Euro,that's the normal procedure at Humanitas.

At work I had the whole day a sick feeling of this, I hate it when I can't find the key back and that I prolly have to pay for a new key. This week I just saved 30 Euro, and then Thurday I would get my weekly money, that will be 40 Euro.  The 30 Euro was for a present to send to Tasn's Birthday, and maybe aswell a new cell phone on Friday. Sigh! But okay, after writing this post I will do one more major look in my room. And that present for Tasn will be send anyway, no matter what!

After work when I went back,I had to ring the bell on the front door to get in the building. Then I had to find someone with a key who could unlock the gate outside, cause my bike was still at the front door. Third thing what I needed was to find someone who could unlock my room. All went well but, what a work. Tomorrow will be alomost the same procedure, someone has to lock the door of my room when I go to work, and when I come back, same thing again, ring the doorbell, open the gate, and unlock my room. I hope I find my key soon.

Today's work was fun though, that made my worries a bit lighter. We made little wooden children seats for in the garden, me and another guy made some mistakes, but we laughed hard and had lots of fun. It was all allowed, lol! Tomorrow will be a full day, I will work a half day and fly my way to the dentist. I have to be there at 1:30pm and my bike will bring me there. I really need to save some money now, so I'm not going with the train. Before the dentist appointment I will hop on at my Dad's place to see how he is.

After the dentist, if I survive, I will go on birthday/present hunting, for you know for who. Then back on my bike to Humanitas, I'm sure I will be exhausted. I'm still thinking about that key, don't you just *$%hjg%^* it when you can't find something what you really need, I just don't have a clue where my key is. The guys here told me to keep looking, and ask yourself where was is the last time you used it. Well, I looked there a million times, but it's not there. Okay, let me search one more time this room, and I'm gonna search majorly now. Be aware!

An hour later...

I can't find it, and I give up. It's just not here in this room, I'm sure. Maybe I bump into it the next following days when I'm lucky, I'll keep my fingers crossed. Otherwise I will just have to pay for the new key, it will be a week with keeping my money in my wallet. Let's see how it goes.

What to do on a Sunday...

What to do on a Sunday...

Sunday is rest day, and I rested big time. I had two naps, I was so sleepy today. I hope I will get some sleep tonight tough after these naps. I have been reading alot aswell today, on the laptop that is. I searched for relationship forums, yep! Maybe I shouldn't but, I just did, and perhaps I get some tips out of it. Counseling online, LOL! I saw some helpfull posts what could help me, I think I'm on the right pad but, I'm slightly interested in what others have to say about there break up. I will copy and paste a few lines... Here we go...

"No one can completely stop thinking about their ex after only one month."

"You really need to develop the mindset that: your ex is not a part of your life anymore. What she or he is doing or planning is none of your business. You need to focus on yourself and yourself only."

"The more you think about, "Oh what should I do that'll make me forget about her", the more you'll think about her. But the more you think of, "I don't really care", the more independant you'll get." 

"I finally went on my euro trip that I always wanted to do, and I'm focusing on myself, and travelling, which is really helping.. Its like taking a huge break after a long long long long chapter of my life.."

"Well, you got what you deserved for looking her up online. Use that memory so that you are not tempted to search for her next time."

"Get yourself busy and get into to shape. Focus on yourself and your goals. The past is gone and your future is ahead!!"

"Cutting contact meant that I had only to deal with the pile of pain already on my plate. No new shocks to the system."

These were my favorites, and I will keep them in mind. Some lines were so recognizable, and that made me feel good. I guess I'm not the only one, right?  Anyway, on with this day and telling you what's on my schedule this week. I'm glad this Sunday is going fast, Sunday's are boring here, but you knew that already. I have something akward to tell, and I shouldn't even tell it but, hmm. Alright, here we go! My bum-bone hurts, all the way down on my back, lower then low. (errmm) There's a bone there and it hurts. I think I know where it's comming from. Wrong sitting position behind the laptop...

I always sit on the bed with my back against the wall and a big pillow behind it, It's nice and soft, but sitting to long like that, hurts my bum. (blush) I turn around and try to avoid then my pain, ussualy if I move around it hurts a bit less. (can't believe I'm writting this, lol!) So, yeah everytime I sit on the bed with my laptop, there is this pain. I tried today to sit on a chair with my laptop, and I must say it's feels a bit better. But still I'm not happy with it, what on earth is a good position to sit behind a computer or laptop? Is the matrass to soft? Should I sit more straight up? I don't know... 


Anyway, it's 5:20 pm now, soon I will make me some dinner. What? I don't know yet. I had a good big lunch at noon, so, I guess I will make something light. This week my schedule is almost fully full, Monday there is the work, Tuesday a half day of work and then the dentist. Wednesday is my resting day, but I will prolly get some mail from ING, so I can get to work with my extra money. Thursday is again a working day, and Friday, I don't know yet. This week I want/must buy a little present for Tasn, cause in April it's her Birthday. The mail will take atleast 2 or 3 weeks to arrive. 


If I have it right with the date, it's the 6th or the 7th of April for Tasn's Birthday, she will turn 8. (woot!) Tasn is a sweetheart and has always a VERY special place in my heart, I learned her so many things and we spent so much fun time together. I can't believe she's already turning 8! She's such a cutie, she for sure needs a nice special present. I will write here a birthday card, and give her a little present, and a big present, for sure something special. I miss her!!


This comming Thursday someone from GAK (the company who sents me every month my money) will come to my work, that someone will talk to me about re-intergration. They work with a project where I work now. I started this project not only to get my mind of the situation where I was in, but aswell to see what I can do, what I'm able of to do. I really want a proper job, a job what fits me. 

Reha is perfect for me, they look at your skills and how much work you can do, and from there you can go re-intergrate to the next job. So, like I said, Thursday someone from Gak will come to have a talk about re-intergration, the re-intergration will lead me to a better job, a paying job! I'm taking it easy though, step by step, that's my motto!

Spring is here?

Spring is here? 

This is the third day with absolutely gorgeous weather, the sun is high in the sky, and it's not even cold. In Holland the Spring is mostly early, if it stays like this, I'm sure I won't complain. Today was a quit a good day, some ups and downs but okay, I'm steady moving on. There was a E-mail sent to me and that caused the downs today and last night, I still don't know who sent me the mail but who ever sent it, that wasn't so nice and what was written in that mail didn't do me good. According to the sender is Saf seeing another man, I didn't know last night if I should believe it or not, and you know what? It doesn't matter to me aswell. Ofcource, it hurts, I was sitting on the bed and stared at the wall for more then 20 minutes after reading that mail, I felt confussed and asked myself why many times. 

Why would someone sent me such a message? Why would Saf date another man so quickly? I just don't know. What can I do with it? Nothing! It hurts and that's all, Should I try to inform more about this, or ask her? No way! It will only give me more hurt! I'm done with this all, I need to continue and close the page, even though it's painfull. What Saf does is her own bussiness now, even though I find it akward and weird IF it's true that she is seeing someone else so fast. Anyway, I don't mind, it's time to leave it all behind me! So now and then I will message the kids to see how they are doing. Just a little chit chat about nothing, showing that I still care about them. But further no contact.

Like I said, today was a beautifull day, and.... I had a little date. (Woot!) My counseler at Humanitas and I went out to the market, It was time for me to look for a new cell phone, so we both had a look at some phone shops. We saw lots of phones for good prices, 20 Euro, 30 Euro, I don't need a cell phone with lots of extra's, I need to call and message and that's all. We informed for the prices and I think next week I will buy one, first I need to save a little more money. When our so called date was done we walked back and we talked, about life and Canada, sigh! I would like to close the page 'Canada,' but sometimes it just goes by itself when I or someone else brings it up. Almost arriving at Humanitas, my counseler bought for us both an ice-cream and I told her, "Next time it's my turn to buy one." 

You know where I'm happy with? That at the moment I can enjoy every little thing what happens to me, even small things, good things. Like for example the job I have now, I enjoy it, and I'm looking forward to my next 'real' job. If I look back, let's say 7 or 8 years in my life, I wouldn't  even dare to think about work. Maybe it's because when I came back from Canada, I had absolutly nothing, and now I'm getting the things slowly back what I had before, and those things make me happy. Things are slowly begin to settle, what I think is a miracle, cause I would never have thought that this would work out. And that is making me happy, I hope I have more in store! I'm more then ever ready for my future! Let's get it on!

Another mail I got today from my bank, (ING) it was my users name for online banking. I get a second letter from ING, telling me that I can pick up the password for online banking at my bank. I hope I don't screw up again like last time. Last time, just before leaving for good to Canada I asked aswell for online banking, it would come in handy when I'm overseas. But I screwed up, cause when I wanted to log in, I lost my password, (a black out!) I tried three times but after the third time, it blocked. And I couldn't get in, I needed to ask a new password but that would take me more then three weeks, and we didn't had time for that. The plane left in two days, bummer. Crossing my fingers this time.

I will get more mail from ING, they will send me next week the last bank statements from the last three months, I need them fast for my extra income. The guy from CWI wanted to look into some important documents, so he can decide if I have the right for that extra income. I waited more then five weeks for the bank statements now, finally they here!  Yay!

Scala and Kolacny Brothers - With or Without You

Earthquake and Tsunami...

Earthquake and Tsunami...

Another Earthquake and a following tsunami hitted Japan, more then 90 people have been confirmed dead. And there will be lots more, it's unreal if you think about it. It's unreal aswell if you see the scary pictures or movies taken by cell phone or camera. What an incredible power has our nature, and then you ask yourself why this, what have they done to deserve this? At the time when I'm writting this there are still aftershocks in Japan, and the tsunami is hitting Hawaii, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, Guam, the Philippines, the Marshall Islands, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, Nauru and Micronesia. May God be with them!

While I'm sitting here writting this post, there are people trying to save there own lives or other lives in Japan, can you imagine that? I'm trying to switch over from this tragic news to how my day went today, well, I have been following this horrible news and (here comes the switch, ready?) I have been eating pancakes. Some guys here at Humanitas organized a 'pancake afternoon dinner,' everyone one had to fill in on a paper how many they want and what kind. There were panckes with cheese, bacon, or apple, but aswell just plain ones. I had the plain ones and added syrup or jam on it.

The pancakes were thin so, I ated 7 of them, they were nice. But again, they were all sitting in the smoking area, cooking and eating while some others were smoking. Thank god some windows were open, I guess it will always a bit of an issue with me that smoking. I'm not complaining to them though, only in my thoughts, LOL! It was a nice day, not cold and sunshine, I did my grocery later on and took another 15 Euro of my weekly money. (40 Euro) I'm saving money for myself. And as last, I signed in at another Housing Corporation in Almelo, that's my third one. These corporation will also help me find a house for rent, I have to call them back next week Friday. 


How are my thoughts lately? My thoughts about Canada, Saf and her kids. Sometimes I don't even think of them, or I don't have the time to think of them. I'm busy and do alot of things at the moment, and now when I have this work 3 days a week, it's even more bussier. This 'not thinking of them' is good for me right now, it keeps me going what I have to do. Ofcource I will never forget them, and ofcource I have my moments sometime when I think of the kids and Saf. But it does hurt less now,I  still feel a bit pain of missing them. 


When I think back at the three years I was in Canada, it looks like the three years are getting shorter. Or is it that I'm so busy with things that I forget the time I was there? It's an akward feeling, but deep in my heart I will never forget Saf and her kids, cause I spent many time with them and most of that time was good. And when it happens again  when I get that akward feeling, I just remind myself the first week I was in Missisauga until the last week in Barrie. While writting this, I get flashbacks, flashbacks of the first week I was with Saf and the kids. 


I still remember the first week I was in Canada, one day in the late afternoon Saf sent Mar, Tasn and me to the nearest gasstation, to buy a huge box of donuts and timbits. It was raining softly and Tasn was running and not listening, Mar walked beside me and talked with me, I was still a bit quiet and in my 'getting used to the family' mood. But it was a nice feeling walking with them and them accepting me. They will be never forgotten. When I think of them now it goes alot easier, it's without less pain in missing them. One day I will think of them and say to myself, "Yeah, that were nice  days." 


I'm feeling good and okay, and I will be feeling better and better when the time is right. When that time is there, I will try to search contact again with Saf and the kids. Ofcource whenever they are ready, just plain friendship. There is nothing wrong or creepy with that. We will see  how it goes, at the moment I would like to settle my life first. It might take a while cause I'm a perfectionist, LOL!  Love you guys!!

A full day....

A full day.... 

Another full day has almost ended, I had a nice day at work. I went from half days to full days now, so, in total I have three days now. Perhaps after a month Reha wants to do four days, but everyone works there three days for now. At the moment there just not enough work for four  or five days. It's all good. I'm moving forward, a month ago I wasn't even thinking of work, I wasn't even able to aswell. But now it's good, I enjoy it. Infact I enjoy every little thing what I do now, all the little things I missed the last two months.

Finally today I got the 'change of adress' thingy at my bank, (I needed to deliver my new adress cause my bank thought I was still in Canada) now I can finally ask for my bank-statements from the last three months. I need them to ask for my extra income, (I'm still under minium wage) at CWI (CWI is the place where I go for the extra income) they asked if I could bring the bank-statements from the last three months. But that wasn't possible, cause I was in Canada for three years. Now being back in Holland I have to start all over again, with everything, aswell with my bank. If ING send me these bank-statements, then I can go to the CWI and deliver them and fill further in my file for the extra money. ING took so long! 


The care allowance, I'm gonna ask for that too, with all the risk. The last time I had care allowance I was still in Canada, and that is not allowed, I had to stop the allowance, but I forgot or I didn't know I still had one. If  the tax service finds out that I still had that care allowance while being in Canada, I have to pay everything back. But I'm gonna take that risk by asking them again for a new care allowance, maybe they find out that I was in Canada or maybe not. Tomorrow I will go to a housing corporation in my city (Almelo) to sign me in there, these people will find (or try to) a house for me to rent. I like it here in this city, although there is some crime here, it's fine with me.


This morning I sent two messages on Facebook, one was for Mar, and the other one for Noor. I felt a bit bad not communicating with them so much anymore, there is nothing going on between Saf's kids and me. I don't see a problem if I write them so now and then a little message, telling them I miss and love them or asking them how there doing. Although I'm here and build up my life again, I still care about them and wont forget them. I got a nice little message back from Mar, it did me good. She made me laugh aswell, but I'm not gonna say with what, LOL! That's our little secret, p.s. Mar thought I forgot her and the Family, aaww! I will never! 


I got a date this Saturday, serious? Yes! 


Well, okay, not really a date, but a going out with my counseler from Humanitas. She asked me yesterday all of a sudden what my plan was this Saturday, I was suprised to hear it. My counseler takes every week three hours out for some of the residents. She had two hours extra, and she asked me, we were planning to go to the market, and look aswell at cell phones. I need a cell phone says everyone, I just don't know. I really don't like them, there expensive with calling, and I can't call with them cause there not loud enough, But okay, looking at them is fine, and we will see if we buy one. 


Sweet dreams and sleep tight bloggers!

"Silince is golden,when you can't think of an answer."

"Silince is golden,when you can't think of an answer."

I wish there was less smoking people at Humanitas, sometimes I feel left out, lol! Now, there is one smoking section here in this building. My little room is right beside the big living room plus kitchen, and in that place it's alowed to smoke. Sigh? Yeah, sigh. I usually cook in that smoking area kitchen in the evening, it's comfy and always the same friendly people show up. We talk alot and make jokes and fun. The only thing what sometimes bothers me is that they smoke, when you have a bunch of 5 people sitting together who are smoking, you get alot of smoke. But that kitchen is aswell so close by.

And that isn't a nice smell when you cook or eat. Ofcource you can make the choice to go one floor lower, where there is the non-smoker kitchen and living room. You can cook aswell there, and eat your meal. The only difference is then, there is almost no one. No one to talk to, or have fun with. I spoke about it slightly with Humanitas, and they told me I should speak with the people who smoke, and tell them to stop for a few minutes while I'm cooking or eating. But,I don't know, I wouldn't ask someone to stop smoking for a little while in a smoker section. Maybe i'm not daring enough or I don't wanna bother them. 

Recently I hear alot of talks and gossips from the people who live here, and it gets me confussed. They talk about how Humanitas really doesn't do there business, according to them  Humanitas are  holding the residents just before there limit of 9 months, and then they suddenly help you out or not, just to get money. It's like they hold you on a line just to earn money. If you find a house soon while your here and you leave within a week or tow weeks, Humanitas wont earn money on you. I understand that Humanitas is a business and that they earn money from and on you, but in my eyes they help you out aswell. And if some people don't like it, you can change the things you would like to change, it's all up to you. Humanitas gives you a hand, but most of it you have to do by yourself.

They talked about Reha aswell, (The place where I work) A turkish guy who is staying here aswell, told me that Reha is just a day-activity and that's all. I had a long conversation with him last night, he told me that Fusion is much better for me. Fusion is just like Reha, but Fusion is a bigger company and has alot more people. They do things more professional. I talked about Fusion a week ago I think, I told then that Fusion looks more at the product they make instead of the employer, Reha is twisting that around. All these nag, nag,  talks makes me confussed and makes me think that I'm doing it all wrong. 

One thing the Turkish guy told me aswell, "Always understand that you are here for yourself, and not for anyone else." For example, if you have to go to Reha, but on that same day you have an important appointment, you have to go to to that appointment! Cause it's your appointment.(You might miss the opportunity for a place for yourself or miss some money you owned) Everything what you need to do to for, to get a job or to get a place for yourself , or for your income, THAT comes first! Not the work for Reha or Fusion. That saying I will surely keep in my mind, no matter what others say, even when you have a talk with Humanitas. 

Always keep in mind when the staff talks to you, or offers you something new, always think, "Is it good for me? Can I use it? Is it true?" And what else people were saying recently, all the nag, nag, talk, I don't mind. What I'm doing now feels good, Humanitas has a plan together with me, and I'm sticking to that. I had a appointment today with my counseler at Humanitas, and it felt good. Everything is going as planned, everything is going smooth. Ofcource It's alot of work but in the end it's all worth it. I'm happy how the things are going, you really have to focus on things. It's all good, cause the focusing I do keeps my mind aswell from other thoughts. 


Tomorrow is my third day of workin this week, I workthree days, Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Reha sent a mail off to Humanitas, saying they are happy with me, first I worked three half days,  now I work three whole days. Trough Reha I can re-intergrate to another job, a job what fits me. I need to talk with my boss then, but I decided that I'm taking it slow first. I'm building it up slowly, cause I want to end up with a job what really fits me and not end up having a job what will tear me down and gets me jobless again, like in the past. 


Working tomorrow means aswell early to bed, so watch out bed bugs here I come!

' Cause this is driller, driller night.'

' Cause this is driller, driller night.' 

I think I have never drilled so many holes in my life as today. Today at work we prepaired some shelves, there was an order of 2 pallets. On each pallets there were 500 shelves, and these shelves needed holes for screws. One shelf needed 4 holes, 4 x 500 x 500 = 4000 holes. I still think I hear the drill, but okay, it went fine. Thursday is the next working day, and then I can say, I worked the whole three full days. Woot!

The factory where I work (Reha) told me today that they just started, this is there 5th week of production, and you can see that. There is another Reha factory in Nijverdal, my ol' town, and our boss was so kind to take us there to have a look how they work, and it was huge and full in production. " That's how I would like it aswell in our little factory," said our boss. We need more items to produce, recently were in the wood production. Yesterday I told you I would take some pictures, You can see them below my post. I'm happy with the work, it keeps me going and the Canada-thoughts I use to think or what I sometimes still think, seems not at all important anymore.


What I'm a bit concerned about is, the way to handle my paperwork. Bills need to payed, my insurance's, my income, looking for a house. Everything is going okay, but it's going slow. And that's just the way it is, I can't change that. All these important things I have to arrange together with Humanitas feels like a none-organized mess in my head, not for Humanitas. Humanitas says, "It's just a small thing what you have, we have seen lots, lots worser." Although it's a bit of a relief to hear that, I think I need to re-organize my folder. Folder?


Humanitas gave me a empty folder, or how you call it? Binder? there I can put my important paper work in. I have so much stuff and mail, that I need to organize that folder/binder. I just don't know where to start, I know Humanitas helps me out but I would like to help out aswell. But where to start, where does Humanitas start? They have a plan with me, a kind of a project, that's why they called it a 24-project. They help me trough that project to become a citizen again, a working citizen, a citizen who has a house and a income. 


I sure couldn't have done it without them, I mean where would I start? For example, should I get work first? Or should I get a house first? And the bills I have to pay then? I have never been in a situation where I have guilts with my money, yeah, I have been poor, Mom and Dad have been poor, but guilts? No! Tomorrow, I have an appoitment with my counseler from Humanitas, then we will talk (as always) how things are going, and we surely (as always) talk about my paper work, and how far the things are. I think I'll start before I get to bed with organizing my folder/binder, I really like things organized. In the past before I went to Canda, I had all my paperwork in order and everything in folders/binders. While I was in Canada, I didn't had that, cause it was just not needed. Now it's needed again, and I want that, and I will. 


Picture time! 

Wooden fences are made with this metal object.

Cute isn't it?

Tables, chairs, bins, you name it.

Park tables, and trays.

A big chair!

Wooden planters in any size.

Wooden crats.

I like this one, cause I made this! lol!

Second hand furniture will be fixes and re-painted.

Or do you like a yellow one?

"Better then yesterday."

"Better then yesterday."

I had my moments today, moments of thoughts, But I felt better then yesterday. I'm healing and it goes slow, I'm so happy that I have work. I grieved enough, it's time to let go and get to work. I was doing that already, but now I'm trying to give it all. Today at work was good, we had alot to do.We  made some wooden trays, I think we made more then eighty. It was exhausting work but fun. We are so into wood at Reha recently, I will take some pictures tomorrow. Today aswell I got alot of mail, some were good some were bad, lol! I had some paychecks for my medication what I delivered at the healt insurance office a month ago, the lady told me you get money back from these paychecks within four weeks. 

And today I was getting 'that' money back on my bank account, yay! But, from that same company, I got another bill for my montly healt insurance. and, it was pretty much, to much in my eyes. I need to sort that out tomorrow, together with all of my other mail, it's a bit of a mess all the mails and bills I have at the moment, it sure needs to be organized. Some other good news was that I have signed in to another housing corporation (A company who looks for houses) That company is in a city near Almelo, the city is called Hengelo That company will look for me for houses to rent in Hengelo. It's a nice city where I would love to live aswell. I'm still busy with the housing corporation in Almelo, but I'm almost done with that one. There is one city more where I would love to live, and that is Enschede. Enschede is near Hengelo, and Hengelo is near Almelo. I still need to sign in in the Enschede, I will do that this week.

Yesterday I had it bad, and wasn't feeling so well, it went a bit better today. Everything goes well, with my income, insurance, bills and where I am staying. I'm not worried about that. What I worry about a bit is myself, I have sometimes troubles with continuing with my life, I have to many thoughts ,thoughts of Canada, thoughts of the kids and Saf. I noticed I could use some help with these thoughts, and I decided to take more counceling. Now they have some counselers here at Humanitas, but I rather have my own counseler. My own counseler the one where I started with, is aswell the one who got me here. I mailed him today, and I would like if he comes once a week at Humanitas or perhaps once in twice weeks. Or I go there.

Just for a conversation about myself and my thoughts, to help me further to continue, I really need that now. I took yesterday the first step with avoiding everything what includes Saf, and I can tell you, it wasn't easy. It hurts, and I really hope when I feel better and have everything settled, that I can slowly get contact with them again for just friendship and nothing else.I still care about them, but if people would ask me if I'm still in love with Saf, I can say, "No." Another thing, I noticed that I have money left over in the week from my food money, I get every week 40 Euro from Humanitas to buy myself food. 40 Euro doesn't seem much, but I have money left, and still my fridge and cabinet are filled with food. My idea is to save every week 10 or 15 Euro from the 40 Euro what I get, I will put it in a safe and save it, lol!  It's easy to do, now let's see how much I can save. 

A short post today, cause I have a short evening, I'm planning to make it an early night. So I can sleep tight. Working tomorrow, gotta be up early.

It's harder then I thought...

It's harder then I thought....

I wish I could move on, I mean I'm willing to move on and I want to, but sometimes it seems that everything stands still. I would love to work on a house for myself, decorating or painting it, but that takes time, you can't get a house just like that. I would like to pay my bills, but that aswell takes time. I need to save up money, but that is hard to do when you have not much income. It's Sunday and there is nothing to do here, tomorrow it's Monday, then I will be atleast working. Yes, it's one of those days, a day where you sit or lay down in your room and have plenty time to think, till you get depressed. Sigh, yes! I know I have to get out more.

I want to move on, do things, get busy, join a sport, rob a bank, or whatever keeps me busy. The will is there, but thoughts keeps me locked up. Everything needs time here at Humanitas, if I want to pay my bills, I have to wait for my money, If I want a house, it takes time, houses don't grow on the bushes here. Humanitas has a plan with me, and I need to stick with that. Today I had alot of rest, I had 2 naps, I was tired. I'm looking forward to work tomorrow, and I'm happy with that feeling. If they would offer me a job a month ago, I might have said yes, but I'm sure I couldn't have handle it, cause I wasn't ready yet. I'm ready now! 

Today I made the decision to finally go a level higher in my proces. Today I had that feeling, that I always get stuck if I see a glimp of Saf or whatever reminds me of her or her kids. I tried to stop that today, not that I hate them or don't want to continue with them as friends, but just for myself to move on and continue with my life, I'm sure they will understand that. I removed four picture frames of Tasn, and Ab of my desk, the 3 little picture albums aswell. I putted them on a safe place, so I can see them when I'm ready for it.

I have a background picture from Tasn on my laptop, I removed that aswell. And the last step was that I re-opened my second Facebook account, I made this account a month ago, for just in case I might need it, just for the same reason I did with the picture frames. I did all this just for a short while, to see how it goes and to see if it helps me to move along, I'm sure it will, although it was hard to do. I have been reading some sites today about 'healing after a break up,' and I must say some of them were really interesting...

Tips on easing the pain after a break upor divorce.

~Begin to look at what you want your life to be like now that you are no longer in this relationship. Begin to look forward and not backward.

~Know that having painful feelings is normal after a break up or divorce and doing some mourning of the relationship is good. But it's also important and even vital to your health and well-being to do some active things to put closure on that relationship, learn from it and move into your life without that person--which can actually be even more wonderful, believe it or not.

~Your heartbreak is like an open wound that is busy trying to heal, every time you spend time with your ex it's as if you're tearing the scab off and you have to start all over again from the beginning. You see there is a chemical reality to getting over your ex which is leaving you in so much pain that it can sometimes feel unbearable, seriously, you are not making this feeling up. One of the biggest things you must do is stop seeing him as soon as possible. In the program, I take my clients through this process and it's really painful for a little while but then real healing can begin. Please cut off all contact for a while. And by a while I mean months, not hours or days. 

I like the last tip, although it's tough, it sure is worth the try, and that's what I did today. People might think, I'm slightly going insane, but I'm really okay. I'm suffering of a break up and I'm trying to heal, this is all part of the proces. What did I do more today? Not much, getting things together for tomorrows work, like getting clothes ready and made some sandwiches ready for tomorrow's lunch. The time of waking up early is ended, I noticed, I sleep longer and longer the last few days. So I guess I will be going early to bed today, around 10 or 10:3o would be fine. I don't like when I have to rush in the mornings.


See you tomorrow...

Moving on with a speedbump...

Moving on with a speedbump...

Apparently someone didn't like my last post, Saf deleted me from her Facebook friendslist, and so did Cle. That hurts, and I don't understand it. I was already doing what I suppose to be doing, continuing with my life, and doing what Saf liked me to do, let her live her own private life and not follow her everywhere,  and now this. I felt good about my/our  decision, I was more then ready for it. I wish people would understand me, but if some people don't listen, yeah, well, I can't help that anymore. I'm done with it. I'm gonna switch over the page, and slowly continue again where I was, continue with my life and let Saf live her life.  Although it will be a bit with a slow start, I'm dusting of the dust from falling again, and get up and move along. Saf deleting me from her Facebook had a good side and a bad side, the bad side is that it hurts, and the akward good side is, I feel slightly a relief aswell. 

You know, thinking back at the 3 years in Canada I have the feeling that I failed. I could have done so much better, and that feeling is hard on me, I must say WAS hard on me. Coming back with THAT feeling in Holland wasn't a nice feeling aswell, but I got slightly over it. Looking back at the posts from January and February from this blog, was weird and felt akward, I can't believe what I all wrote. What was I thinking? But I know aswell that I went trough something and when I think of that, I feel no shame. That was me in that time, I knew it would be hard. I never wanted to hurt, stalk, or follow the Family, I wasn't thinking straight, my mind was elsewhere. I have been progressing now, and I'm sorry for what I did. I wrote Saf a message back, telling her I was sorry for everything. The message was meant to be a goodbye, closing the page and continue with moving on. 


I got a message back from Saf and she wasn't so nice, but again it's understandable. I was fed up with it, I wrote her back and told her again goodbye, but now goodbye forever. She told me that I should leave her alone, but didn't I do that already? Didn't we already talked about this?  Aaah, I'm done with it, it tires me. All I/we ever wanted was,  is to end the relationship with a happy ending, as far as that was possible. But we both failed, me more then her. Cause, she was the one who did the break up, and not me. Now she's mad and pissed off, and I don't like seeing her like that. But I have to continue, just like Saf. I have to let it go, and I will. Some people think I'm still in love with her, but, (let me write this in bold letters) 

I'm not in love with her anymore, actually the ' loving her'  ended already back in January, after our break up. I  just wanted to end the break up  without fighting or issues, and that we could think to ourselves, "Hey we tried but, we didn't manage." And not split up with angry faces. Faill! It's a pity it went like this. 

I deleted some of my Facebook friends cause Saf was not to speak about 'our' mutual friends, I did it just for the good sake and to keep the peace. She wanted me to leave her alone, so, yeah, me and my angry, fed up, silly, face I deleted her Family members too, (some of her Family members deleted me already)  The reason I deleted the Family members was that I wanted to close the page, and didn't want to be remembered of these last 3 years for a while. Everytime I saw one of the  daughters from Saf on Facebook, I got these 'missing' feelings, I don't want that anymore. But I felt sorry afterwards, why can't I just stay friends with the kids, or atleast some of them? I spent 3 years with them, I don't see harm in adding them back, if Saf let me though, if Saf says 'no' then it's a no! And that's fine.It's her choice and they are her kids. Later on Saf sent me a message back, saying she was proud of me how I stood up for myself on Facebook, instead of others doing that. She perhaps got the feeling that I sent some people after her, to get my right.

Well, I didn't, and what good would that bring? It would make things only worser. So, I had to fix that again, I'm so bad at getting criticism, I wish was easier with that. At the end of the message she wished me good luck and said bye. The message made me feel better, not that I got her attention again, but that we both calmed down and wished each other well. It makes me feel I can continue where I was, moving on. Talking about moving on, what did I do today? Well, I went to my Dad, and I decided to go on the bike and not with the train. I could use some air, the ride was nice but there was a strong wind. It's been a while since I drove that far, I took it easy. When I arrived at my Dad's place, my Aunt and Uncle were there too, they always come every Saturday morning, to buy grocery for my Dad. Dad was alright, his bandage and plasters were off his thumb. Slightly a bit of pain he still felt, but he was fine. I didn't stay long, cause Dad wanted to go downstairs for his lunch. 


The ride back went better, the wind was in my back. I bought some grocery when I got nearly home and took a nap when I arrived in my room. I never take long naps, 15, 20 minutes ans I'm done. But this time I slept for an hour! Woot! I was suprised. The day almost ended, I made some pasta for dinner, had some chit chats with some people here. Relaxing on the laptop is what I do mostly in the evening, tonight I had a beer, but ssshhh, don't tell anyone, cause were actually not allowed. If you get caught you get a warning, the second warning you get throwen out. It's just the rules. Some of the guys here at Humanitas told me that they do it aswell so now and then, drink a beer on there rooms. Aslong as you don't make loud noises or be violent,then it's alright. 

Okay, another post has almost ended, like I said, I'm closing the page, Saf. Meaning, I'm not going to talk about her again on here. (Or atleast try) Not that I hate her, and not we are in a fight, but, because I'm letting go of her for good sake, and for both of us. She's gonna live her life and I will live mine, I truly wish her and her kids all the best! 

I saw something...

I saw something... 

I saw something last night... Something what I didn't like, that something what I saw would have deeply depressed me or made me sad a month ago, but not anymore now. I'm stronger and I'm suprised that I am, I really am feeling better  then two months ago. I'm progressing with my thoughts and feelings, and not only that! I'm feeling stronger. I'm aware that I can accomplish alot more then I thought I could.

What did I saw then last night? There was a thing going on on Facebook, two weeks ago Saf modified me from her wall posts, I can't see her wall posts anymore I knew this already cause we talked about this on MSN. But I didn't want to mention it here on the blog, I actually want to stop writting or gossiping about Saf, I would like to continue my life and move on. That is what I like to write about at the moment, but that doesn't mean that Saf and I can't be friends. The reason why Saf modified me is because she wants to continue her life without ME following her everywhere or me comment on every little thing she does on Facebook. Saf didn't like it that I followed her kids aswell and bombard them with comments on there statusses.  I must admit that I was sometimes a bit to much in the beginning of the first month I was back in Holland, But I calmed down now. I was confussed and had to adjust being back here, and get used to a ' being alone again' situation.

The last two months were tough and depressing, I felt sad and confussed, I couldn't place anything. My head was a mess, I was struggling and fighting with my thoughts, although I moved on then, it sure wasn't easy. I escaped sometimes to Facebook, cause I had no one else to talk too, I was and felt alone. In that time when I was on Facebook and I saw Saf or I saw one of her kids, and I didn't know what to do. I was asking myself questions like, " Shall I comment?" or, "Shall they get mad when I talk to them?" and besides that I still was heavily in that 'missing them' proces.  I didn't want to bombard them with questions or comments, but it happened. I wanted to let them know I was alright, and I would like to know how they were doing. It sure wasn't a easy time.

As the time went on I slowly commented or asked them questions less, cause I knew they didn't like it, it was better for me aswell. I had more important things to do, then sit and wait for them so when I had time. It was time to let them go just a bit more, I realized it was better for me and for them. When I think back at that time now, I feel sorry, but for me it was totally understandable why I was so difficult and confussed. I hope other people would understand that too, I hope aswell they realize where I went trough. And not only me, Saf and her kids had a tough time aswell. Ofcource, cause what do you think? That after our brake up I would just feel great and continue with my life, like nothing has happened? It sure wasn't like that, we both needed time, and I needed people to be patience with me. 


About last night, like I said, there was a thing going on on Facebook. Saf her comments  weren't so nice, but it was understandable what she wrote. I'm not going to write all of her comments down, but I will put it in small words together. 'Saf told that she was tired of me commenting on her and her children, her friends and some of her things we share on Facebook.' But, didn't I already discused this with her? Why she bringing this up again? We kinda solved this already, I understand her though, I understand what she means with this. But what can I do? I don't like her seeing upset or getting tired but, come on! We discussed this already, and If she is getting tired of it, let her come to me, and let's talk like adults to solve this. And not behind my back so that everyone can comment on it. I just could look at the comments and there was nothing I could do.That wasn't nice!


The readers of my blog know by now that I had a difficult time behind me, and I'm not going to sum it all up again. One thing Saf told aswell was that 'she's getting tired of that she can't comment on her friends if I'm beaten her too it.' It wasn't and isn't my attention to beaten her to it, so that she can't comment on her friends statuses. How am I going to solve this then? No more commenting on my friends or our mutual friends statuses? Saf is free to comment on everyone on Facebook. Wouldn't it be much easier, that Saf and I just can comment on every status of our friends what ever we want? To show the people that we both are moving on with our lives separatly and are both fine with that?

I really wish she has the strenght for that and not be so stubborn, cause I'm not the one who's stopping her. We both shared a life togther, like Saf said in her comment aswell. In our relationship we build up friends, now after our break up we both have still these friends, there's nothing wrong with that. One last thing Saf told was, that she want's me to move on and let her have her own private life. That's also we discussed a week ago, Saf modified me, and we both decided that I comment and talk less with her and her kids. And then still she brings it up, I understand what she wants, and she is right, but I'm moving on, look at me where I stood a few months ago and look at me where I am standing now. I can't do miracles, I'm a human being with feelings like everyone else. I'm really not mad at Saf, but the way she handled this thing on Facebook wasn't right. It isn't my attention to hurt her, or her kids! I'm going trough a proces, she must realize this.

I went trough difficulties, how did I know? I didn't even know what I was thinking then.  I have nothing but good for her, I know we will never be a couple again, I'm fine with that. But atleast friends in the near future would mean alot, because of (all) the things we shared. Maybe it's an idea we let each other go till we settle our lives, and for now take our time with everything. It's getting tired fighting with myself, fighting with my thoughts, and with my feelings. So now and then you come on a certain point that you just want to let go, and just want to have fun again. Two weeks ago I had that that feeling of letting go, (drawning a line) no more fighting with myself or fighting with other ones,  I'm tired of explaining myself towards another. Although the fighting made me stronger, it helped me further, now I can continue. 


So, what will I be doing after all I wrote above?  What are my feelings about this? Well,  it's easy for me, I will just continue where I was. With moving on, step by step. I will comment even less on Facebook, what I already did, just for the good sake. I guess I will just let Saf and her kids be for a while. If she needs a talk, I will be there. What happened today? Not that much actually, after yesterday I needed resting, and that's what I did.  I didn't sleep so well, I had an early shower. There is so much sun outside, that makes my room even warmer. Prolly I will visit my Dad this weekend, to see how his thumb is. I think the bandage and plasters are already off. We will see....

Fire drill?

So there I was after my lunch on the toilet,  I just sat down. And then suddenly the fire alarm went off, and that thing was pretty loud. The first thing what noticed me was that no one was shouting or screaming for help. I stood up and ran upstairs to get my laptop, (snort) ' my baby.' I didn't smell smoke and I saw no one running. I heard the fire truck comming though with sirenes on, they were here in 10 minutes. I made a little run till I got outside, and there stood everyone. My first thought was a fire drill, I also asked the other people outside. "We don't know," they said, "we will soon find out." within 15 minutes the alarm went off and the fire people said it was all safe, it turns out one of the young kids in the building turned on the fire alarm. Sigh!

A full day...

A full day...

It was a full day today, and it felt good. I feel tired and exhausted from work but satisfied, it's a nice feeling. Today at Reha we made wooden  planters and wooden boxes both for in the garden, we got 50 done. They looked nice, I wish I had a camera with me, I would have made some pictures. Next time I will. It's going okay with work, although you feel sometime the pressure if you get a duty to do.That is not needed, but you have to work together, and were not all the same. Sometimes it owns you the pressure, I think at Reha it's a good lesson to handle that self pressure, I need to make it easier on myself, or controle it better.No pressure!

After work I changed my clothes and got ready for the free dinner, I still had 30 minutes left, so it was all good. I walked alone today cause the other guys were having appointments elsewhere, that was a bit akward, but I knew the way. Just like yesterday, something was a bit bothering me whit dinner. Everyone who has finacial problems or is homeless is welcome for the free dinner, so aswell this gang of 5 people who lives nearly 24 hours on the street. This gang is a bit loud and seems always a bit drunk with dinner, there people from the street, what else you can expect. I heard stories lately from other people from Humanitas, that these people are scum and low life people. These people are not afraid of anyone, you really can't trust these kind. So, lately after my dinner, I take off right away, I just don't like being around this gang. Maybe one day I won't even come back for the dinner. Will see...

When I got back from the dinner, I had an appointment with my counselor here from Humanitas. Her name is Paula and she helps me with the important things I have to do, a nice girl and not afraid to talk, LOL! Sometimes she gets me confused, cause she knows how to deal with things more then I do, (It's her job, silly, don't worry!) I like it when I have things organized and tidy, so aswell my paperwork. For Paula everything was in order tonight, but not for me. You have no clue how much it all is what has to be done, sometimes my head feels like a sponge or a cheese with holes, with so many things on your head it's easy you forget sometimes things.


Some of the things what still has to be done....

I'm still working on that extra money, (I'm under minium wage) It's waiting for my bank (ING) to help me out to get the extra money. I need my last bank statements from atleas the last 3 months, I asked for them at my bank, but I/they had to do the 'change of adress' first. That will take 3 or 4 weeks the ING said. When I get everything done with ING, I can ask for 'banking online' aswell. Can't I ask for banking online now, and then print out the bank statements? No, cause there will be my old adress on the statements, and that's not what they want.

I have a bill to pay, remember the summer house I stayed in for almost a month? (40 Euro a night) The owners still need to be payed, last time the owner of the summer house called my Aunt, they asked for me. My Aunt told her to call Humanitas, The owner didn't call yet. My plan is that I am going to pay them, but not all the money at once. I need to do that in amounts every month, I'm 100% sure that the owner is willing to arrange that with me, cause last time I spoke to her we already talked about that. Then there is the dentist, I'm  assured now, that's all good. Some of the bills from my last four or five appointments I payed already, but some also not. The dentist knows by now that I'm financial not so doing well at the moment, he will wait first till I get my money sorted out.

I didn't have to pay with my last dentist appointment, I still have to come back 3 times. With the last appointment I will get the final bill, and then we will see how I am going to pay that, maybe I can arrange something monthly with the dentist. (Hopefully) Then there is some sort of  'care allowence' where I can ask for.

*Care Allowance is an allowance for the cost of your insurance. The care allowance can be a part of the nominal premium for your health insurance payment.

Paula (my counselor) and I found out that I had this care allowance already a few years ago, what I totally forgot. (snort) This allowance stopped in 2010, and the question is now, who stopped it? Cause I was in Canada. I was getting this allowance while I was already in Canada, and that is not allowed. The second question is, if I ask now AGAIN for that care allowance, will they find out that I recieved that un-allowed money in Canada? I can do two things,1)  just ask again for the allowance and pretend I didn't know, or 2) call and say them that I recieved un-allowed money while I was in Canada and that I would like to have a paying back arrangement with them. Paula told me to think about it for a  few days...

Work! I'm working at Reha, that's a project who helps you further with a new proper job. Ahh, you know. Humanitas, Reha and Paula are thinking that it will take a little year for me to get this proper job, and I agreed with them. This time I don't want half work, I want a real proper job what really suits me well. I know that I can't work whole days with my sick thyroid, that's a fact I won't change. Otherwise I will be jobless again in no-time, and then I can start all over again. This week I had my first start and it feels good. So far so good.

After all the above is (nearly) done I can start with living on my own, meaning a house for myself. while I'm still in that working project (Reha) I can already look for some house or sign in by housing corporations, I did already a few. I'm still a 100% sure I won't come back to Nijverdal, I don't want the same ol' same ol' again. I feel I'm free where I can live, everything stands open.

And last but not least, I really need to buy an agenda or a week planner, so I can write things down. I don't want to walk around with a head like a sponge or a head like a cheese with holes. It's time to tidy and organize my paperwork. Tomorrow I will just do that! Today was a full day, it's time to relax!  Night, Night!

Frank Black and Moris Tepper - I Burn Today (Henry Rollins)