"Let it be."

"Let it be."

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.And it's easy as it says here, right? Well, sometimes yes and sometimes no! I had the song 'let it be' from the Beatles in my head almost all day, and I liked it. I wish I had the song everyday in my head, okay I'm overreacting. But think of it, when someone is comming to you with a problem and we both can't solve it, just sing, Let it be! Or when you think of a problem yourself or your feeling sad and you can't solve it, just sing, Let it be! More about this song later on in this post.

Today was good! (thinking positive) I worked on two wooden child seats at work and a table. Mini tiny child seats, there so cute, it's actually a set. The set comes with one table, two seats, and a one 2-sitter,I almost finished one set today. I worked alone on the set, with sometimes some advices from my boss. Two times today the boss sent me two new guys, and they had to help me. I'm so bad in doing that, telling someone what to do. I mean I don't mind working alone or working with another, but giving orders, I don't know. But it went okay, the new guys didn't stay long.

The day's are going fast when you work, it was 4:00 pm before I knew, at that time we clean up and go. Working with wood is not a fine thing though when it's hay fever season, I sneezed alot, thank god for nose-spray! After work I went straight to the church, for the free dinner, just like last night they served a nice meal. Today we had 'hutspot,' a dish of boiled and mashed potatoes, carrots and onions. As meat we had a smoked sauasage. 

Hutspot!

So, now I have actually weekend, Yay! But tomorrow will be a full day, first thing in the morning I will have the counselor at 10 am. I have to go to Nijverdal, and I will go by train, it's almost walking distance. I really have to visit my Dad one of these days, I haven't seen him in a few weeks. But I'm so tired after the week has ended, last weekend I took a nap two times a day. I could go tomorrow but it will be such a long walk, I will do it another time, I will 'Let it be,' for now. 

..."And when the night is cloudy, There is still a light that shines on me, Shine on until tomorrow, let it be. There will be an answer, let it be, let it be, let it be."

The song is still wondering around in my head, It's not my favorite song though from the Beatles. Paul McCartney wrote this song it was inspired by his mother I red somewhere, his Mom is called Mary, who died when he was 14. Many people thought "Mother Mary" was a biblical reference when they heard it. And I though the same, I thought they meant Mother Teresa.

More facts? 

Paul had a dream one night when he was paranoid and anxious. He saw his mom who had been dead for ten years or so; she came to him in his time of trouble, speaking words of wisdom. This brought him much peace when he needed it. It was this sweet dream that got him to begin writing the song.

This was the first Beatles song released in The Soviet Union. The single made it there in 1972.

'Let it be,' was played at linda McCartney's funeral. Paul, George, Ringo and Elton John came together to play this song for her memorial.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna listen to the song now, but first me make a coffee! 

"Carpe diem."

"Carpe diem."

A nice day today, although I had a slow start and I was feeling tired. The weather was perfect, it wasn't to cold or to warm, it was just right. The sun had it hard this morning, but later on the sun shined more and more. Wednesday cleaning chorses were there again, with the coffee break at 9:15 everyone (well,everyone?!) was getting something to do. Actually the staff asks you what you want to do. When it was my turn I automaticly choosed for the kitchen and dinning room on the second floor, cause I already made a little start on that last night. (What a mess) If everyone would do something, this building would have been a lot cleaner,but anyway.

After I cleaned the kitchen and dinning room I went for a nap, after that I had an appointment with one of the staff members. My counselor has a short holiday so a new staff member took things over from her.There were 2 little things needed to be done, what is important this week, I needed to write a resume and maybe in the end of the week I  can pay a sum of money to the summerhouse (where I stayed last February) it won't be the 300 Euro where they asked for to pay for the 1st of may, but the half of it. Cause my healt insurance needs to be payed as well. Money, money, money!

The resume was a tough job in the end, filing in information was easy to do. But, filling in the work information was difficult. I worked with many factory's after I was done with college, I didn't recieve a diploma from college, My Dad offered me a job in 3 shifts where he already worked. The factory was called Viplex pvc, and they made rainpipes and other stuff like that. Working in 3 shifts was tough, my first working day started right away in the nightshift. (10pm till 6am) I worked there for 3 years, after that I quited the job cause I really couldn't handle the 3 shifts. Working in a team wasn't my thing, I never worked and everything was new for me, I was called a working rookie.

After the Viplex, I had several and many other jobs, a month here and a few days there, then there a half year, etc,  etc. I did some schoolings aswell and followed a project with succes, I had a few welding diplomas and after that I got to work in a metal factory. Then I got a sick thyroid and I never worked again, you can blame my sick thyroid. I can tell a whole story about my working past and I'm sure I skipped alot of factory's and details about
my sicknesin this post. But to sum that all up is way to much to write down, specially on a resume. We kept it short the resume, and I'm happy with the result.

I finnished my laptop last night, but I made a few mistakes this afternoon. While starting it I lost 5 programs on my laptop what I downloaded last night, MSN, yahoo, Avast, Firefox and Ccleaner. I had to download it all again, and that was a hell of a job. Downloading MSN wasn't so fun aswell, struggling trough my hotmail I bumped into Saf's MSN profile picture aswell, (oops!) I didn't like what I saw, can you guess what it saw? It was Saf and her new boyfriend. I tried to find an option to in some sorta way get rid of the picture or find a solution to not see the picture. I didn't find it though, but You can only see the picture when you click contactpersons. So, I'm not gonna click it again. Sigh!

Yesterday I decided to throw my positive thoughts a little higher, I need to stop whinning about things, sounds easy right? Not, so! But I'll try. No more sadness or less sadness , it REALLY doesn't help me further, if I think of it. I'll try to make fun and enjoy the little things around me. People brag sometimes about, how I can be so friendly or so joyfull. Maybe I'm a good actor? I notice that I like to help people around me, giving advice if there lonely or sad, or help them when they have a problem. While I do that I think to myself, if I can help others why can't I not help myself then? After seeing Saf's MSN profile's picture I noticed that I'm sure not healed and not ready for brake the 'No contact.' When I think, "Oh, I'm feeling much better!" I guess I will think twice. I might level up the 'No contact' a bit further.

Time will heal me! The will is there for sure, Friday I have a meeting with the counselor, then I will talk about 'this' with him.

My ever changing moods...

My ever changing moods...

10 degrees colder then yesterday, it was the right choice to put a sweater on to work. Although it was colder it was also a nice feeling, nice and fresh. Today was another day at work, it was good but I was tired as well. I fell nearly asleep with our first break, and with the second break I felt down and.... I don't know. I had this annoying feeling over me, I felt sad, disappointed, it was one of the missing moments again. The feeling that you want to be alone, I didn't want to be where I was, I just wanted to be in Canada, with the kids and with Saf. Just memorizing the good old times. 

I was thinking the why's' and the 'I had to do this and that's again,  or the 'it could have been like this and that's.' Sigh! Thank God it only lasted for an small hour that down moment, after our break I went back to work, back to the last few card boards again. I only needed a few and then I was done with all of them, they came with a new order for the wooden child seats. And they wanted me to make a start with it, it kept my mind of things and thoughts. My head is sometimes such a mess, there is so much to do to build up my entire life.

For example, I need furniture and alot of more things. Most important is a fridge, a washing machine and a bed. Maybe I should saving some money now, although I heard from some guy here at Humanitas, that here in Almelo there is a some kinda community  who will give you a sum of money to buy furniture or other things for what a house needs. It's a sort of a project, sounds interesting. I was just thinking about it today, that I have just none furniture what so ever.


I told you about the Trojan horse I had on my laptop last night, it was okay and my Avast anti virus protected the Trojan. But it got weirder today, my browsers crashed so many times and I had so many pop ups, it was getting annoying. I decide to do a full system recovery, it was the second time because a few months ago I did the same. It took me one hour and I was back on the net, loads of downloading, but it's all good. I still need to download Windows Messenger, it's being a pain to download it though. 


I made a new appointment with my first counselor upcoming Friday, he's the one who got me at Humanitas. Everything is going well with my stuff, (bills, income, work) it goes slowly but steady. There is still a thing what bothers me and that is that I could get some help with my thoughts, my process and my healing.  That's why I called the counselor for an appointment, I'm doing slightly okay though but some more help is not bad for me, to get me further back on track. I can't let some things go in my mind, maybe it's not needed, but I don't know. 


I'm doing the 'No contact', but you can't really call it that, I still keep a bit of a contact. I message so now and then Mar and Noor on Facebook to ask how they are, In the 3 months I messaged them twice. I don't see the harm in that, but still, No contact is No contact. When ever I feel for it I message Saf to ask how she is, but I do that rarely. I sent Tasn, and Noor Birthday presences, and they both liked it. There will be maybe come a time that I will stop giving presences with there birthdays, or maybe smaller presences. I will just see.


Tiny little update...

I just had a message from my Hotmail, someone sent me a bunch of spam and now they blocked my account for a little while. I made a new hotmail account and my new e-mail adress is sonnie100dj@hotmail.com  The old account is history!

I think I got a horse on my laptop and his name is...

I think I got a horse on my laptop and his name is...

Trojan! I don't know how it get there, but so far so good 'Avast-antivirus,' keeps protecting it. I let a Avast run a full system scan while I'm writting this post . Please, don't let my one and only laptop not crash!

Today was another warm day, there was sun and warm degrees, 23 celcius. Tonight the weatherforecast forespelled rain and tomorrow almost 10 degrees colder. I like the rain at the moment, it's good for my hay fever. Today at work was good, I worked another full day, and still working on the card-board. Still need to do a few and then I'm done, it's about time cause it gets boring after 3 weeks. Today aswell we had some new workers at Reha, the new ones worked half days, to get used to the working place. They were nice guys.

Avast full system scan (36%)  eeek! ~ Avast keeps protecting it!

There are a few things to do this week, My counselor has a week of to celebrate her Holiday. I will get a another counselor just for one week, she will help me with something that needs payment. The summer house where I was needs 300 Euro before the 1st of may. That might be slightly a problem but we will see. In the end of this week I might get my care alowance payment. I keep my fingers crossed! Cause maybe then I can pay the people of the summerhouse already a sum of money.

Avast full system scan (64%) almost there! ~

I need this week or next week a bunch of new thyroid medications, and I want to check my blood to see how my thyroid is doing. It's about time, the last check was last year February. I'm feeling good though with my sick thyroid, I mean I feel like I always felt with this sick thyroid, tired and not much energy, and a few other sympthons. Not much changed, but checking my blood might give other answers.

Avast full system scan (89%) .....

the virus scan is almost done, let's see what I have to do. It said already I have one infected file. Okay Avast full system scan 100% is done!  One infected file, Avast asks me what to do with it, delete or save it. If I save it it stays there but it doesn't do a thing, (virus is dead) I choosed for deleting it, I have to restart the laptop, but I will do that later.


I would like to try something new~ 


Well, something new for the readers but old for me, even though it's old and it's a thing I don't really like, I would like to give it a try.... Everyday! I would like to write down in every post from now on 5 things what made me happy today. I did this as a homework when I was visiting counselors. Yeah In had a few. Now let's get started! 


5 things what made me happy today! 


1) It made me happy that I got up early and didn't slept over the time I wanted to get up. 


2) Working with the cardboard went pretty fast. 


3) happy that my horse 'Trojan,'  is vanished from my computer. 


4) Dinner was nice. 


5) That I found out that the Canadian Dollar is more then the Dutch Euro. 


Tomorrow another 5 things what made me happy 'that' day.

A bit of rain would be nice...

A bit of rain would be nice... 

It's warm and I'm trying not to complain, maybe the warmth in my little room is making me so sleepy. I could go outside but it's warm there aswell and the hay fever is on red alert. But it's okay, I'm doing some homework on the laptop and re-arrange my map with all my important mail in it. I like it when everything is in order and I like being updated with my mail. So, I can see what is done and what is not done. I think I broke my own personal record taking some naps the last 3 days, last Friday I had two naps, yesterday two naps and today aswell two naps. Just that exhausted feeling on my chest is making me sleepy. Good thing is that I feel better after a nap.

Last Friday I didn't do much, the things I wanted to do I skipped and told myself, "I will do it Saturday." Saturday I started with the laundry at 6:30 am, yeah, I was early. Doing laundry here means you have to be on time, there are only 2 washing machines, and it's always the question if they work this time. The washing machine on the second floor worked, I had two loads and it took me almost a day. The machines here aren't that big as in Canada, otherwise I would have one small load. It was nice weather and I decided that after my needed nap I will go outside to sniff some sunshine, I took my bike and went for a ride, it wasn't so busy on the streets, I guessed most of the people were in to town. 

And they were, after my bike ride I did some grocery shopping and the supermarket was packed. I was sure I took some money with me after I wanted to pay my grocery but I had my wallet but I forgot to put some more money in it. I had to use my bankcard, what I didn't use in months, I reminded that there was some money recently put on my account. I hoped it was enough, and it was, pffeeww! Last Friday night I spend sometime with Johannus and Frank in there room, actually Johannus's room, Frank was a visitor of Johannus cause Frank has a place for his own now. 

Frank was so happy with his house, lol, but the first night he called his buddy Johannus to pick him up, he was bored cause he had no tv and no internet. Today Johannus brought him home, he spent 3 days here. Last night I spend aswell time with them, sometimes it's fun with them and I look forward to it, but I like it to be on my own aswell sometimes. Maybe I should be more spending time with other people, I never been such a communicater, but I learned alot and I'm progressing with changes. Why not learn to communicate more then? right? But at the moment I don't feel like communicating much, only when I feel for it.


Today just before dinner Johannus's Son came at my door knocking, I thought, "Again asking me to play some soccer?" He ask me alot these days to play some soccer games, today I didn't feel much for it, I was tired. I opened the door and there he stood, Johannus's Son. He asked me, "Are you comming?" I thought, "Again?" But he meanted actually, come with us to MacDonnalds for a meal. I went with him and with the rest of the Family, I always feel guilty cause I can't pay them back, cause I'm broke. I asked Johannus, "Shall I bring some money?" He said, "I will pay." Sigh! Next time I will pay! 


A few updates.

Like I promised here are a few updates,  I will be getting a few bills what will be huge. There is the rent allowance what they payed me once a month while I was already in Canada, I had to stop this paying but I thought it would stop automaticly when I stopped the rent. Then the care allowance, I had to stop them aswell but I totally forgot them. They payed me too once a month while I was in Canada, it wasn't much but still. I will be getting a bill, and prolly I'm allowed to pay them once a month a small amount of money. Sigh, I wish I got rid of all these bills.

I need to call or message a few other usurances aswell they took money from me every month while I stopped them before I went to Canada, the company is called Ageon. I could use the money well, for my other bills, maybe they will pay me back the money what they took of me. 


So far the updates for now, My head is sometimes a mess, cause there is so much going on. I like to have things in order, like I use to have when I lived on my own. But now I'm in a totally other situation, I never been broke. I know though what it is to live with small money, I did it almost all my life. But I never been broke, I always took good care of my money. Even in Canada, maybe a bit to much. I learned that while being whit Saf, ofcource you need to spend your money together or when someone from the Family is in need of something what costs you, you are there for them, always! 

Tomorrow work again, we are getting a few new employers, let's see what they can do. It will be an early night for me, I need my sleep. So, I will say for now... 


"You are the first thing to enter my mind in the morning and the last thing to leave my heart at night. Good night blog!"

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ~William Shakespeare.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.  ~William Shakespeare.

The weekend has started, and I'm doing so, so, I'm still feeling a bit down but there's no reason too, or is there? Maybe it's the upcomming phonebill from Saf, afraid of what's coming, I really hope for no argues again this time. I still miss the Family, sometimes I feel good and I can continue in the things I have to do, but just that sometimes there is that heavy missing feeling. The last few days it feels like it's a double missing feeling, Don't know why, just because of the phonebill message from yesterday? Maybe, or maybe it's just a moment in my proces. I will get over this 'moment,' like I always do.

I didn't do much yesterday, I spend some time with the guys here. And being outside with the coffee break, was nice cause the weather was good. Some guys here have some really naughty behaviour, in there eyes it's making fun and jokes, they like to stir up things. A few days ago I told you about the soccer match a Johannus and Frank wanted to see on my laptop, I was actually planning to say no, and said no, but in the end I said yes (meaning no though, sigh!) In the end they watched the game on TV. In the first place the Dutch tv channels didn't want to broadcast this soccer game, but the Belgium channels did broadcast it. Yay, for my laptop. 

I went with them to watch the game, cause they insist that I came aswell, oh well. We watched the game in Johannus's room. Including his wife and the 2 little kids, the youngest one was already sleeping. The second one was being naughty and slept later, sigh, I really don't like that kid's behaviour, he's very naughty and his behaviour is to be ashamed of. Anyway, we watched the game and had a few drinks. It's actually not alowed to drink alchohol, but okay. The guys here when they drink, they drink alot. Me? I'm not that a drinker, I think I had 2 glasses and that's it. Johannus and Frank always try to get me more to drink, but I'm tough and keep saying, "No." 

I just don't like it, and I wish they wouldn't drink that much either. Sometimes there behaviour is to be ashamed off aswell, or is it just me thinking as a nanny? Or maybe it's just the way I am, I'm totally the opposite to most of the guys here, and no one is gonna change that. After the match Johannus, Frank and I were talking downstairs in the big dinning room and someone else joined us, an older guy named Harry. This guy is a nice, tough, guy but he had a bit to much to drink this evening, I could tell. Harry is known as a drinker, but I never saw him drunk though, tonight for the first time I did.


I don't like drunk people, specially here at Humanitas. Harry wanted to make a few pranks, and ofcource Frank and Johannus dared him to do it, they like to stir things up. The one they wanted to pull the prank with was Rene, it's always Rene, poor guy. Rene is a guy who is a bit weird and makes mistakes all the time, he can't take good care of himself. So now and then I speak with him, he works with me at Reha aswell. Rene was out this evening, and Harry wanted to put fast-glue in his doorkey, yeah, that's funny! Not! But he did anyway, and he wanted to push the fire alarm on later in the evening. Funny? No! Rene came back while I was in my room and you could hear him cursing, Harry was wondering around in the building. Rene called the nighporter to get his door open, his key got stuck in the door and it broke off, strong stuff that fast-glue.

Frank and Johannus got a hold on Harry and told him that Rene is on his way to Harry's room (not) to insult him and accuse him for pulling this prank. Harry got mad and went to his room, and there both started to curse at each other, the nightporter came between them to calm them down, with succes! Harry went to his room, and Rene went outside to get a ladder and get in his room trough a window. Rene is on the second floor just as me. I so don't like these kinda pranks, but it's common here as I have been told many times. Oh the stories I hear here sometimes. Some pranks are okay, you have to take them lightly, but some pranks, sigh! Maybe it's just because I'm not used to this kinda jokes, pulling a prank should be fun and afterwards you laugh about it both, the one who pulled the prank and the one who got pranked. 


But the prank night wasn't over yet, the firealarm was still not on. We all went to bed, and it seemed the prank storm calmed down. I was in my room to do some last Facebooking, then all of a sudden, 11:48pm, the fire-alarm went off. I thought right away, "Harry!" I didn't even close my laptop and went calm downstairs, it's a must to go downstairs when the firealarm goes of. Everyone was gathering around in the backyard, that's a rule we have to follow. Some were complaining and some were making little jokes. Johannus and his wife had the two little kids with them, half asleep, way to go Harry! It took a while when the firetruck came and it was cold, Harry stood at the gate and Rene stood somewhere else, miles apart from each other. After 20 minutes we could go back indside, a few fire men were still inside, searching for the firealarm button what went off. 


It was a long night, and secretly I hoped that Harry gets charged with these pranks. Pushing a fire alarm  as a joke will be charged, and ofcource it will cost Humanitas a sum of money when the fire truck has to come. But I learned here that you have to shut your mouth when someone is asking you, "who did it?"  it's better to stay out of such things, don't get involved. Everyone went back to bed, and Rene had to sleep with his door unlocked. Sigh!


A few updates.

I'm still looking for a doctor,  I need to call more doctors and get more adresses. My thyroid medication is almost done, I could get them in Nijverdal like I did last time. My healt insurance will pay for them. Talking about my healt insurance, My healtinsurance is running again as you prolly know. Though I still need to pay them aswell, every month I will get a 'acceptgiro with the sum of money written on it what I have to pay. An acceptgiro is a little yellow card what makes paying easier, you fill in your autograph and your banknumber and send it to the one who sent the acceptgiro. I have two acceptgiro's what still needs to be payed, it's from the month January and Frebuary.


The summer house where I stayed for 3 weeks in the month February  still needs to be payed aswell, the owner of that house and myself are emailing each other when I can pay them. The last email they they wrote came with a friendly proposal, they want me to pay one half of the bill before 1 May, and the second half of the bill before 1 September. Sounds reasonable, my counselor and I had already a talk about the 'summer house bill' before I got there proposal. I have my monthly income now completly settled, I got already my first sum of money of the month January and February. Although Humanitas took quit a sum of money off that income, it was for my rent of the room I have here.


Next week I will prolly get another sum of money, perhaps I can already send a 100 Euro to the owners of the summer house. Or I will send it just before 1 May, like the owners propose me. Ugh! So much to do and pay! Searching for a house? I'm not in a rush, first I want to get rid of my bills, and get my money in order. Although I registered to another housing corporation, in a city where I would like to live. This city is called Enschede. Enschede is a nice place, I always called it small Amsterdam. So now all in order I'm registred in 3 cities, Almelo, Hengelo and Enschede, I can look online for houses in these cities or they will call me when they have found a house. 

The ING online banking is settled, I can look online now what's comming in and what's going. Most of the money I will get will go to the bank where Humanitas is registred, they will keep an eye on my money until most of the bills has been payed. It is there job to keep an eye on that and they will help you with your guilts and bills, and they will give you advice in what to do best. Okay Sjon! <-- My name! That's enough writting for today. Tomorrow a few updates more and I will tell how the weekend went. For now I will say, 'Au revoir!

Sometimes I'm falling back...

Sometimes I'm falling back...

Unexpected I had a cry moment this morning... This morning after the coffee I felt down while I was waiting in the office for my weekly money. The person who arranges the weekly money was on the phone and I had to wait, while sitting there waiting my thoughts were wondering off. Then suddenly the woman was done and asked me to come in so she could hand over the weekly money, after she handed the money she asked me how I was doing, then I started to cry, just like that.  I knew though why I was crying, something little happened last night  and there was even no need to cry.

Yesterday when I opened my laptop to check my E-mails I saw there were 11 new messages, "wow," I thought I never had so many mails. "Maybe, there's a message from Saf or from Dako,"I thought, I recently sent Dako a mail to asking how he was doing. But no, no mail from Dako, but yes from Saf, the tittle said "Phonebill." When I opened the mail Saf told me about her phonebill, and asked me friendly to pay a apart too. I made a few phone calls to Holland last year December while I was still in Canada. Saf hated it to ask, she told me in the mail. My first reaction was, "How dare she to ask me, she knows I'm broke," but it's fair towards her that I pay for my own phonecalls. Even though I don't have the money for it yet.

I answered her friendly like she was friendly to me, "I will pay my part when I have the money for it", I messaged her,"But first I would like to see the bill," I think that's fair too. She replied and told me she will send me in a couple of days the bill trough a mail. Further she asked me if I already was dating someone, and if I didn't I should take a step forward and try to date someone. She was dating someone recently, she told me. It was all meant good, but I didn't like it that much, the subject dating hurted me. I didn't feel like e-mailing about the subject 'dating,' right now, and I surely didn't want to know that Saf was already seeing someone. Although I knew that she was dating, it felt like a statement. But aparently she wasn't aware of the pain I was still going trough, It's over for her, but for me? I need time to heal. 

I explained her that I didn't like the subject 'dating' in the message I sent back, and that I surely wasn't ready to date someone yet. I need to settle my life first, I need to arrange alot of things, my mind is not on dating yet, I'm not in a hurry. I'm still going trough this proces and it takes alot of time, and I will take my time, I'm not in a rush. I told her aswell, that I'm happy that she is seeing someone, but that I don't want to talk about that either. It hurts knowing that, and I need time. Why am I telling all this private stuff in my blog? I didn't want to tell this in the first place, I didn't thought it was a big thing. Saf asked me to pay a part of a phonebill and asked me a few other things, I thought "Okay, fair enough," I will just mail Saf back and that's it. But in the end it bothered me, I was thinking alot of things and even in the end I cried, I don't even know why. There was no need to cry, but it happened.

Why should I cry about this? I thought I was ready for Saf to message her or mail her, just so now and then a little message asking her how she is. Once a month or once in two months, no problem I thought. Am I still not over her? I'm doing better then a few months ago, but I guess there is still a bit of a feeling deep inside somewhere, I don't know.I would like to keep the peace between us, and I hope this phonebill message does not end in a argue. I will pay my callings, just because I think it's fair, But I'm not paying my calls just because I don't want to argue with her. Paying her back is my priority, but I can't pay the whole sum all at once.

I wonder why I'm so afraid to argue with Saf, and why I want to keep the friendship with her and her kids. What is that? Why is it so important for me? Maybe it's the fact that 'they' were a huge part of my life during the years I was there. Still I don't know though, I just can't say to myself, "Hey, let them be, and forget them." I'm okay with the break up now. I knew that Saf and I will never be together again after Saf told me that it was better for you to go home. It's fine, I have peace with it. But really, keeping a little contact would be great, they were a part of my life. I can't throw that just of me! A few months ago I decided to do the 'No contact,' I needed that but it was difficult to explain that to other ones, specially to Saf, I didn't want to hurt her, but I really needed the 'No contact.'

The 'No contact' was needed for healing, I was struggling with myself to keep being friends with Saf and trying to settle my life again. That didn't work. After I deleted her from Facebook and got rid of the stuff what reminded me of her a huge rock fell of my heavy heart, what a relief. Not the fact that I got rid of Saf but that I got rid of the thoughts from me from her. Now I could continue, and I wished I had done it sooner. Sometimes I have it difficult with the' No contact,' but I keep going on. Although at the moment I would like to message her sometimes whenever I feel I'm ready, I really don't see the harm in that. But! I red this somwehere....

For those who want to remain friends: Why do you think that is? It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”. They are not ready to let you go (yet)

And this.... 

No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain. No Contact allows you to heal quicker.

Although I would still like to keep contact, not weekly but just like I said, whenever I'm ready or feel for it.  In the end I would really like that we both go seperad ways with both of us a happy life, with a so now and then a little chat asking, "How are you." I keep saying and repeating it, LOL! And I didn't even wrote about how my day was, tomorrow? I will do it tomorrow! Okay? Say yes! LOL! 

No is No....Right?

No is No....Right?

Day 119 already on my blog, the time flies. I can still remember post 100 with all the funny 100 items, and now I'm almost at post 120. Today I worked and it's going well, I'm still working on the cardboard and it's fine with me. In the wood section I try to work less cause of my hay fever, otherwise I will sneeze my nose off and burn my iritaded eyes. We are getting some new people upcomming Monday at Reha, they came for a visit today to have a peek what were doing. Our boss guided them around.

It's nice to have people around me, allthough some are strangers and not close friends, just that sometimes it's nice to have them or those around. Someone on Facebook asked me today if I build up already some new friends, I could'nt answer her, I said 'No.' though. I mean what are friends? Someone who you like to talk to and spend so now and then time with? That I don't call friends, but what do I call them then? Friends are people who are there for me and I'm there for them and where you spend alot of time with. People who I can count on.

At the moment here in Holland I can say I don't have friends, but that's okay. I have some friends in Canada where I can count on, and perhaps somewhere else in the world. I know I can count on some Facebook friends, and I consider Safa still as a friend, even though we broke up. In Holland I had a few friends, but they letted me down when I asked them for (urgent) help, when I was still in Canada. They gave me a big mouth and that's it, the so called friends. At that time when I needed them and dissapointed me, I felt down and sad, but I don't mind now. I will find or bump into new friends elsewhere.

I have been alone many times, I actually like it to be on my own sometimes, not always though. Funny that I didn't had that feeling in Canada, I liked it when I had people around me, I just needed to talk and communicate more. I'm more of a quiet person, I always been that way, I never was on the foreground. Maybe because of the way I grew up, Mom and Dad and me, just a quiet little family. We liked the quitness because we were used to it.

Late in the afternoon there was the free dinner again, just like last week I went straight from work to the church. Otherwise I have to ride first to Humanitas and perhaps put some other clothing on and then back to the church. It wasn't so busy at the church, just some regulars and some people from Humanitas. While we were waiting to get in, the people I know (from Humanitas) make little jokes, and sometimes make fun of you. 'They' find that funny and find it important to be that way to be tough, I laugh about it or laugh it away, but sure I don't like such behaviour all the time. I can write lots of stories about it, but will do that another time. 


At the dinning table I sat with Frank and Johannus & Family, Frank asked me if I use internet tonight. I told him, "Yes." He wanted to see a soccer match, cause his favourite team is on. Frank didn't had internet and no TV. "Sigh," I thought, "Damn, I'm looking forward for a quiet night on the laptop just alone after a hard day of work." In the first place I told him "No, sorry, I'm carefull with my computer." He didn't like my answer and gave a mean, serious face, and told me that he didn't thought I would say no. "What a nice friend are you," he said, and he went on, untill I said, "Okay, we can use it together."


Okay, I didn't mind in the end that we both watched the soccer game and that I don't even wanted to watch the game, but he had to respect my refuse. He was wrong with going on but maybe I was wrong too, cause I had to stick with my refusing I have to learn this and not 'always' be so kindhearted. Sometimes people can use you when you are this way, you say 'no,' and in the end you say 'yes,' but actually you mean 'no.' I know what to say or do then in such situation, but doing it... that's different. 


More about this subject tomorrow.

A day of rest?

A day of rest? 

It was a nice day, I did some cleaning as usuall on Wednesday and rested a bit.  I complained yesterday about the cleaning chorses, cause it's always the same people who do it, this morning things changed, with the coffee break everyone had to be there, and who wasn't there had to have a good reason to not be here. Otherwise they will be woken up by the staff, so, yeah, this morning was a bit hectic but good. Everyone did some cleaning like it has to be done, I did the upstairs kitchen and dinning room.

There were a few items in the news today in the Dutch newspapers that made me sick, I sure notice the difference living in Canada and being back in Holland. It seems Holland is so much more criminal and violent in there behaviour recently, I didn't see that while living in Canada. Today I heard the news that a  Dutch (female) politican Femke Halsema, her 6 year old Daugther was threatened with death on Twitter, the threatener wanted to go in discusion with Mrs. Halsema but he never got an reply. Can you imagine the frightened parents? Insane and sick!
 

The second thing on the news today, on the Dam in Amsterdam (just before the national monument) a man obliviously attempted a suicide, he setted himself on fire. People tried to help the guy to put out the fire, aswell some people were stunned and just were frozen to the ground. When I see such news I read the comments beneath the news too, some comments are so rude and not right. Insane and sick! In what country are we living? There is so much violent and criminal business going on here and aswell in this city, Almelo. I'm sometimes afraid to be beaten up. It sure was different in Canada.

On with this day, like I said, it was an okay day, with cleaning, resting, internetting, and moving. The guy who I helped out last week with painting (Frank) had to deliver his keys of his room today. He is ready with his new house and is ready to live on his own in his own new appartment. I'm gonna miss him though, he was a tough guy but a good guy. Friday he will come back for a 'goodbye' party, nice! The guy who helped him out aswell (Johannus) will surely miss him too, cause they were side by side nearly 24 hours a day. Johannus is the guy from the family living here, together with his wife and 2 little sons.  Aswell a tough guy but when he's alone he's quiet and sensible. 

His kids are very naughty in behaviour and language, it's annoying sometimes. It's like there deaf if you tell them, "Stop, don't do that!" But anyway, they have there adorable moments to. Sometimes when I sit with Johannus for a little talk, his kids are there aswell. I play with them sometimes or make jokes, it's a nice feeling and yeah, it makes me think of Tasn and Ab. I almost treat them the same way. When they cross the street I make sure they take it easy and tell them to stop when it's needed. Or, when they have a drink on the table, I make sure I move the cup if the cup get to close to the edge. Little things what I learned and saw.

Tomorrow another working day, it's almost 10pm, I will lay my head to rest soon. My head is a bit of a mess, I still had a few things to tell, but they can wait till tomorrow. Otherwise I will keep on writting till it's to late, I need my sleep. Putted already a few things ready for tomorrows work so I don't have to rush in the morning. See you tomorrow! Night! 

Warm... Cold!

Warm... Cold! 

It was cold today, I used to check the weather-forecast daily. But the last few years I didn't, I think I will start again. It's better then holding your hand out of the window and look if it's cold or rainy. I jumped on my bike this morning towards my work, and it was cold, I said it out loud actually, a few times. Darn! I just putted away the warm winter sweaters last weekend. Today I worked only a half day, at 11:45 am I headed of to the trainstation to get the train to my dentist appointment in Nijverdal. 

I surely didn't want to go on the bike, it was to cold, it rained, and I didn't wanna bother my hay fever. I was already getting cold and wet on the way to the trainstation. In the train I thought to myself, "Here we go again, to Nijverdal." I don't like it there anymore, although I got loads of GOOD memories here. I lived and grew up in this village, but, I had enough of it. I would like to have a change, a new challenge! Before I went to Canada, I lived in Nijverdal on my own for several years. And the last few years, I wasn't that happy with the way I lived, I lived my life and that was it. 


Nothing exciting happend, I did my grocery, my householdings, etc, etc. I lived on my own and I felt alone. I had enough of living such a life, but I could not do much about it. I longed for a wife and a family, or close people around me. Then all out of the blue, Saf came along, we told each other our stories, wow! And it clicked. She was all I ever longed for, the five kids didn't matter to me, I loved everyone. I longed for everything Saf and her kids had and gave me a close family, but eventually it didn't work out, and so it be. 


So, yeah, being back from something I ever longed for in Canada and then back to the same ol' in Nijverdal, no thank you. If I will return back in Nijverdal, it will remind me to much of the lonely life I lived there, the same supermarket, the same people, the same routine again, no really, thank you! Saf and Ab were in this village too for a short time, to help me out while moving. The places we were visiting still is a bit painfull to see again. So, I dare myself to take a new step in my life, a new challenge! I'm more then ready, but I got to be patience. 


I wasn't that long in Nijverdal, the dentist took only 15 minutes. A new fake filling for my rootcanal treatment and that was it. I so don't like when the dentist put these round cotton's in my mouth to get a better space for the drill, I nearly swallowed one again. And my tongue loves to dance with the drill sometimes it seemes, ouch! I still have to pay a bill from my last appointment but the dentist didn't say a thing, so yeah, better then. I think I was not even an hour in Nijverdal, on my way to the train I bought some nose-spray for my hay fever in a drug store. The price was okay, and the mark I bought was a good mark, I use this mark mostly every year. 


Things are going well with me, sometimes I still have the thoughts of Saf (ofcource), specially the kids. Doing things makes me feel a bit better, but grieving sometimes or just thinking about them and be sad is a must too. I need to relief my sad thoughts too to heal, right? I don't want to crop it all up or escape these thoughts. But sometimes it's a must to keep busy aswell, with knowing all this I'm doing well. Here at Humanitas they talked about a huge spring-cleaning, I had a short appointment with my counseler in the late afternoon and she told me about it. 


I told her that it's a great idea, maybe it's an idea to organise a 'brunch,' after the cleaning. We can all dress up in cleaning skirts and put on some music, I'm sure everyone would like that. The counseler laughed about it, and she agreed. The counseler was happy with me, happy with the things I do and how it is all going. To hear this, that makes me happy aswell, yippykayyaah!!

Finally...

Finally...

Finally I got my extra money where I waited for this money for almost two months. I was way under minimum wage for such a long time, finally I can make a start with paying my bills. Yesterday I saw a big envelope in my little mailbox right beside the office, I could not get it cause the office is closed in the weekends, to get to the office I need to open a certain door and that door is always locked in the weekends and after 5:00 pm in the week. That's understandable, cause otherwise everyone could have a peek in other mans mail. In the daytime the staff keeps an eye on the mail. Back to the envelope, so, yeah I couldn't get it, I decided to wait till tomorrow, I got it now.  

Today was a nice working day, even though the work was a bit boring, it didn't matter to me. I worked today with hard-board, a huge un-folded hard-board box needed tape on both sides, a machine did most of the work. Me and another (new) guy did more then 150 boxes, it was okay working with this new guy. The new guy had to work three days, cause he did something the police didn't like, as he told me. He got a ticket for speeding and (don't laugh, lol) peeing in someone's garden. For his punishment he had to pay his ticket and do some work in any kind of factory (Oh lord, my english!) The work he had to do you can see as an alternative for paying more money for his ticket. It's very common and normal in Holland, but only for teenagers though. He's a nice guy and wasn't lazy while working. 


The weather wasn't that good today, last Saturday was the 'bomb' with 24 degrees, unbelievable. Today we had only 14 degrees and a bit cloudy, tomorrow will be a bit better. Tomorrow will be also the day that I have another dentist appointment, I will work a half day and then take the train to Nijverdal. I surely don't bike all the way there, cause the hay fever season has started, aaachhjooee. I'm sneezin like crazy the last few weeks. And ofcourse the red eyes, it depends on the weather when the hay fever bothers me. Every year just before spring the fever  starts, and every year it's different. The last few years I thought I was over my hay fever but this year it started again, oh yeah! . Maybe the air in Canada was different (?) I don't know.

Looking at this picture I already feel like sne-ee-ee-ha-ha-sjoee!-zing.

 At work working with wood isn't so good either while having hay fever, I was sneezing alot and had red eyes. But it's okay, I will live, like I did every year. Funny thing is that when I take a little chewing-gum in my mouth and chew on that it helps! Chewing on something makes my sneezing alot less. And don't rub my eyes while there itching! It will only get worser. I wish I lived at sea,  so the hay fever doesn't bother me. 


Anyway, hahasjoeeeoooeee! Time to end this haha....Sjoeoeoeoo! post. It will be an early night for me cause, working tomorrow. Have a good day all!

.

I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine - she helps me grow, prosper, and reach great heights.

I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine - she helps me grow, prosper, and reach great heights. 


Remembering slightly my Mom today, it's Mothersday. Rememebering her does me good, I wish I knew if she would still be alive what she would think of me now, being in this situation. I think she would think I did a silly thing, I don't know. I spend more time with my mother then with my Father, Father was the working man in the house. He worked in three shifts, so he wasn't much home besides the weekend, and if he was there he rested or slept. So, yeah I spend alot of time with Mom, Mom was the engine of the Family you could say. If she wasn't around me and Dad were hopeless. 


If I had a problem or had a little cry or whatever I went to my Mom. I had many talks with her, I remember aswell our bike rides and the visits to the park. Ofcource I spent time aswell with my Dad, we spent alot of times together as a family. But Mom was 'the Mom,'  the engine. I remember one time I got fired from a job, I think I was 26. I just finnished the afternoon shift and I had to tell my Mom and Dad the bad news. When I cam home my Dad sat on the couch wathing tv. And Mom was upstairs.When I came in the room I told Dad the bad news, "I got fired, Dad!" 

My dad didn't know what to say, he stumbled in his words. And he decided that 'Mom' had to come downstairs for a talk and prolly a solution. My Dad wasn't good in speaking his words, he never could. Poor Dad. Mom came downstairs and sat with us and started to talk. Then we all talked and everything and everyone calmed down. Mom the wizzard! Mom was always there, she worked hard in her householdings. She would do the ironing in the kitchen, while she was cooking instead. Mom was 'old fashion,' in a good way, I saw that sometimes back in Saf's behaviour. 


Always there for you and you were always welcome, My Mom was a family mother, always friendly and caring. Mom passed away in the year 2000, August 11th. That day I still remember, she wasn't feeling so well, and decided to go to her doctor, Dad went with her. I was tired that day aswell, took many naps and lay downs for my rest. When Mom came back from the doctor, she said, "The doctor told me it was just a little stomach flue and I have to take it easy." And so she did. 


Dad went off to the grocery store like he always did on Friday morning, I went upstairs to have a little lay down again. While I was upstairs I could slightly hear little noises comming from downstairs, Mom was doing some cleaning, and I thought to myself, "Geesh, get some rest, Mom, take it easy." Rest and taking it easy didn't excisit with Mom, always busy or doing things. I fell asleep, and suddenly I heard a loud 'beng!' I was half awake and thought, "Sigh! Mom, again." 


I woke up after five minutes and stared at the ceiling, I didn't hear any noises comming from downstairs, and I found it akward. Then I remembered the loud 'beng,' from five minutes ago. I though, "This isn't good." I went downstairs and was suspicious and scared, In the back of my head I thought, "There is something with Mom," I opened the kitchen door and she wasn't there. I looked further in the kitchen and in the other room and, I found her laying half outside and half inside. She fell trough the doorscreen, that must have been the loud sound. 


I yelled "Mom!" and jumped over her (I didn't touch her or anything, cause I found that scary) I ran to the neighbor for help and she came and I called right away the ambulance, I did everything what was possible and what I needed to do in less then five minutes. Mom still layed there, and I and the neighbor were in the kitchen. A few more neighbors came. I couldn't look at Mom, scary, frighten, unbelievable, nervous. I thought aswell that my Dad could come back in any minute. The ambulance came in 15 minutes, and I ran outside to guide them.


The ambulance people took right away action, and did everything what was possible. I was still in the kitchen, like I was floating, and was frozen from the outside. The ambulance people gave up and came into the kitchen, and sat down with me, then they told me that my Mom passed away. My first reaction was, "Okay," no tears, nothing, just silince. Mom's doctor came later and the Family came aswell, I think I called everyone. Dad came back and saw the ambulance and the many cars, he ran inside, and sat beside Mom, who was laying on the couch. Dad cried, and couldn't stop. I still was in the kitchen with some other family members. 


When the ambulance took Mom away I went slowly in to the other livingroom and sat with the Family. I knew that Mom passed away, but I just had no tears. I can't describe the feeling, I was concerned about my Dad aswell, I was shocked that Mom passed away so all of a sudden, I thought, "Dad will be next." It was hard to see that in the end of the day all the family members were leaving, and Dad and I sat at the kitchen table alone. Mom was gone, the ambulance took her away to the funeral house. I still was concerned about my Dad and did everything possible to help him and be there for him. ofcource I took my time to grieve aswell. 


I never went to a funeral, as a Family member passed away,I always stayed home. I found it scary, My Mom used to say, "One day you have too." The funeral of my Mom went okay, I had to cry many times, and it felt like a relief to cry. I love you Mom! 

Gosh, I realized that this post is kinda sad, isn't it? That wasn't my attention though, I was so into this post while writting. Anyway I will make it up to you guys in the next post. 


p.s. I added my old blog 'Some1new,' in the blogs I follow list. If someone is interested in reading it, be my guest.

John Lennon - Mother

"Last week I didn't had time to be tired ...Now I have."

"Last week I didn't had time to be tired ...Now I have."

Yeah, I was tired today, I can blame several things, the load of work I had last week, the warm weather today, and perhaps my thyroid is spilling up again. I can do alot of things like everyone else but on a certain level, and when I do or did to much then my body will give a sign. I think it gave a sign today, I took already three naps, I was tired. I did a few things today, but I did it slowly and took my rest when it was needed.

The weather is riduculous on this Saturday, I couldn't believe it's almost 24 degrees. (celcius) It's warm and sunny, I see people walking in summer clothing, including me. Almost insane, last week we still had frost and tempatures just above zero. I went into town for a short while, twice actually, cause I needed a few things. The first time I went was just for to be outside, cause the weather was so good. I was looking for a second hand store, I knew already one but there had to be another one. I looked for it but couldn't find it. I came across a little park and sat there for a while, just enjoying the sun and the water.

Black swan!

Ducks spoiled with bread from the people who walk by.

It was nice sitting in the park for a little while, I had a little flashback to Canada Mississauga, I use to sit there in a park at the water aswell, I think the name of the park was 'Lake Aquitaine,'  but I'm not sure. I loved it there, sometimes I went alone and sometimes I took one of the kids with me or both. And ofcource we went sometimes all of us as a family, for a picknick or something else. Good memories!

Lake Aquitaine, Mississauga Canada. 

I wish we had more of these parks in the town here, just sitting quitly without to much noise. Am I getting old? lol, well yeah in my eyes I'm getting old. 43 years ago I came to this world, if I could make a wish I would like to be 10 years younger again. Imagine I'm 43, in 7 years I will  be 50! Then what? 55, 60, oh no! thinking of these ages makes me wanna be young again, and enjoy my youth. I should not complain, I know. I'm sorry! hehe!


The second time I went into town was for some grocery and some other thing. The first time I went I took my bike, now I went walking. It was crowded in the centre of the city, I nearly bumped into a few people. I needed clothing hangers for my closet. This morning I putted away most of my winter-clothing, I putted them back in my suitcase under the bed. I took the summer-clothing out of the suitcase, and that was that. I have almost everything now in once closet, I need a few cabines,I know. They will come in time. I bought the clothing hangers cheap, 10 for 1, 50 Euro. There form plastic but there okay. On my way to the grocery store I saw a few things what I liked, take a look at this....

Crazy Dutch people in  a cano, last week there was still frost.

The sun in the park was gorgeous.


At the grocery store I grabbed what I needed and went back, it was quiet in the building, it's been all day like this. Not much people to talk to, or have a joke with. I went for my third nap, cause I needed one. This day was an okay day, I made an easy dinner and had my rest again. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I haven't planned anything. Actually I did, but I cancelled it, I planned to go to the sauna. But, I had doubts, it's still 30 Euro for entrance. The weatherforecast forespelled rain aswell, (Hello Dutch weather!) It's all fine with me. Resting is a good plan for tomorrow, let's see what the Sunday will bring.

"There's a hole in your pants!"

"There's a hole in your pants!"

"April's fools day!!" I couldn't find any prank today what I could pull, neither they didn't fool me. It was a nice day though, the weather was grey and cloudy but good, good tempature aswell, 16 degrees. Tomorrow will be ridiculous, 21 till 24 degrees, I just don't see it happen, but we will see. I had some plans today and some chores to do, most of them I did and tomorrow I will do the rest. 

Laundry~ 

The laundry is done, ugh! What a work, one washing machine was not working and the other washing machine was full with someone elses laundry. But okay, after 30 minutes it was my turn, usually I have two loads. Also today, next to the washing machine stands the dryer, you really have to cross your fingers if both machines works. And it did today, thank God!

Grocery~

I did most of my my grocery shopping, I thought I could manich with one huge bag, I did manich but the bag was fully full! The bag of potatoes couldn't fit in the bag, so, I had to hold the bag in my hands. I'm such a wizzard on my bike, I drove with loose hands cause in the left hand I had the bag with grocery and in the other hand the bag with the potatoes. I used my feet to brake, LOL! The store was only a 15 minute ride. So, that was good.

Winter/Summer clothing~

I still need to get rid of the winter clothing, I mean put them away. I have one huge clothing closet in my little room, in that closet I have most of all my stuff. Clothing, shower and bathing stuff, and yeah, food! I just don't know where I put the food, I just have one huge closet. I should get one closet more for the food items. Tomorrow I will start with the winter/summer clothing re-packing, I will just put the winter clothing in my suitcase under my bed.

Sauna~

Maybe I will plan to go to a sauna this comming Sunday, or maybe Saturday. I'm not sure yet though, I saved alot of money from the 40 Euro what I weekly get for my food, every week I take 10 or 15 Euro of from the 40 Euro I get in the week, just for saving. I have a small 70 Euro already, should be enough for the sauna, but isn't it a waste? Isn't it a pity if I spent it all on the sauna? Sure, I could use some time out for myself, but still,the sauna is expensive. I could use the money for other important things, or keep the money and save more. I will see.


Everything is going well here, according to other people living here, it's a suprise. Cause they don't have it that good in there eyes or they just see it all negative and black, I don't know. Maybe I'm just lucky (?)  I see my future slightly brighten up and it's going step by step slowly uphill. I have hope and faith while being here, the paper work is going slowly but steady, my three days in the week of work is going well, and I love it, ofcource everyone has his/hers bad days at work so now and then, that's normal. I have a good feeling that this work/project I'm doing is gonna end up in a good and nice job. 


The people are nice here, and I have build up a nice routine. It's all good, but yeah, ofcource I still remember my time with Saf and the time in Canada, and the kids. I miss them and I miss being in Canada, that will take a long while till it's vanished, maybe it wont vanish at all, or it's getting less, but not complete gone. Thinking of them makes me realize I had a real good time with them, and not only sometimes these little argues. I lived! It was surely a good lesson for me being there. I will treasure the memories for always. 


Thanks a million Safa, Cle, Noor, Mar,  tasn, and Ab! I will never forget them!

Weekend!

Weekend! 

It's only Thursday and it feels like Friday, blame the Thursday's work. Thursday's is always our last work-day of the week at Reha. We clean up around 4:00 pm and leave at 4:30 pm and wishing everyone a good weekend. Today was a nice day at work, we didn't had much people, only the ones who always show up. We were with three men today, and that was it. The last two days I worked behind a machine with cardboard, it's a bit boring work cause it's mostly the same over and over. We put a big cardboard box in a machine, the machine puts a little tape on it and done! But today I made something out of wood, a garden-working-table, yeah, let's call it that. (see picture)

it's not the table I made, but just to get an idea what kinda table it is.

My boss, give a little paper with some measures on it for the wood I needed, and he had a example of the table to have a look at. I worked alone at that table and I really enjoyed it, sometimes the second boss comes to have a look and helps out sometimes with giving advices. I like working alone, or it has to be with someone who doesn't give me pressure or bad comments, (like yesterday, right Frank? He meant it good though) I can be handy and fast, but get sometimes nervous when people push me, then I might make little mistakes. I should learn not to. 

How is my paper-business going? Well, I'm still waiting for mail from my care allowance. They payed me to much money while I was in Canada, I thought I was sure I stopped the allowance when I planned to go live in Canada. The to much payed money I have to pay back myself, but I'm waiting for a mail to confirm that I have to do that and how much I have to pay back. Further I'm still looking for a own doctor, but almost every doctor here in Almelo doesn't take new patients, I keep looking. And further it's wating and waiting for my extra money, but it's comming, were working on it.


I had a nice e-mail back from Saf this morning, I wrote her a message asking how she was. I decided to send her a message, cause, although I'm doing the 'No contact,' so now and then a little message asking how she is and how the kids are doesn't do harm, right? Saf told me she was fine, and told me the 'suprise' has arrived. Yay! The suprise for Tasn's birthday has arrived. I sent her some gifts for her birthday, a bit to soon but okay. It did me good to hear that she got the gift and that she was happy with that. Happy Birthday girl, I love you! 


I wrote Saf the message cause I want to keep the peace, and not be enemies. That's what I never wanted, become enemies after our break up. Saf and I broke up cause in the end it just didn't work with us, I didn't want to admit that. I went on and on and tried again and again, I accepted the break up along time ago already. It's fine now, but like I said, I would like to keep the peace and not become enemies, we are both moving on, two seperate people living two seperate lives. I learned alot while being in a relationship, I have accepted it for what it is, now its time for me to let go and move on.

Secretly Saf has always be a bit my life teacher, I learned alot these last years. I truly hope we both find whatever we are looking for, I wish her and her kids all the best. But I don't see it as a farewell, so now and then a 'hello, how are you?' is my wish. 


For tomorrow I wish some relaxing and rest, it's been a busy working week. I haven't planned a thing yet, I will let it all come to me.  The weather will be good on us, 19 degrees and sunshine on Saturday they said.