"Insert tittle."

"Insert tittle." 

I haven't come up with a tittle yet, maybe I just let it stay this way, lol. Kinda funny! I'm exhausted from the last 8 hours, I had a good day at work, with here and there some pressure. Work was fun and good, we had some good laughs, and the work was nice. In the late afternoon there was some 'hurry ups' with three huge wooden plant crats, I made a start with the crats, and all of a sudden the customer was waiting for them. My boss helped me out, and we were flying trough the building. I was a bit nerves, cause I don't like to be pushed around, and I  was getting a bit out of breath. Don't forget this is still a project where I'm working and not a real factory. But okay a little pressure can happen sometimes,we finnished the three crats on time and the customer was happy.

I like the work I'm doing at Reha, although with the hay fever at the moment it's a bit less,but okay ,there are worser things. My colleagues are nice and funny, recently we have a new guy and he's just to funny. He can be rude funny, like he can insult you but doesn't mean it really. It's just a joke, just that sometimes his behaviour is kinda anoying. When I came back from work I had to sit for a while, I was exhausted but felt satisfied. Thank God for a day of tomorrow, I'm sure  I will enjoy the warm weather here. Such a beautifull day today, and it will be even warmer the comming days. I'm not complaining I love this weather. 


Tomorrow my counselor Linda will be back from her short Holiday, we got some things to do and arrange. My appointment with her is tomorrow at 9:30 in the morning, right after the coffee-break. I think I will skip the cleaning chores, I need to go in town too. Someone's *couch, birthd, couch*ay, is commi*couch*ing up, gonna buy a little *couch*press*couch*ie. I bought Noor one, Tasn one, and now it's Ab's turn, Mar is in June and Cle's in November or September, I need to check that out. I miss Saf's kids, love you guys and I always will, no matter what! 


Talking about kids, today after Work there was Johannus's 7 year old son at my door again, aaww, he likes me alot. I told him yesterday, (I letted him in) that after a working day I won't be able to play soccer cause I'm tired after work. He understood but he comes anyway to ask me, lol, damn cute kid, Ricardo is his name, blue eyes and short blond hair. He can be a very naughty little boy but his cuteness forgives it all, I told him that Wednessday I have no work so we might go play soccer then for a little while. It's sad though that such kid is here with his Mom, Dad, and little brother here at Humanitas. 


According to his Dad they lived on the streets for 3 months, but I'm not sure I should believe that. They lived in there car and spend the night at Family, in the daytime they just drove around and went out so now and then. I just don't know, it could be tough talk, I just can't imagine them driving around for 3 months in a car. They tell many stories what I think, hmm, yeah, right! But anyway, I haven't got much to say today, can you tell? lol! I had a nice and fun day, and that makes me happy. That's all I have to say, I think that's enough, right? 


See you tomorrow!

"Who said money ain't everything?"

"Who said money ain't everything?"

I had 2 mails in my post-tray today, near by the office in the Humanitas building are many post-trays, from people who live here. Everyone has there own tray. The two mails came from my care-allowance, I was already expecting maill from them. I have to pay money back, and it's alot of money. Why do I have to pay it back?  Well, before I went 'for good' to Canada, I had to stop this 'care allowance,' cause it's not alowed that they pay you every month when your overseas.But I totally forgot to stop them, together with a few other things, it was a hectic, moving month back in October 2009.

Care-allowance is a contribution by the Dutch government for the premium for health insurance affordable for everyone. Whether the claimant is entitled to care allowance and how much is predominantly a function of: its household composition (such as single, family, partner) and the height of the (joint) income. The Tax/Benefits provides payment of the allowance. The care allowance is intended for applicants with a minor (combined) total income. (Thank you, Wikipedia and Google translate) 

 So yeah, the payment. This company want me to pay alot of money, and they came with two options. First option is, I can pay them the whole sum of money all at once. (Sure!) If I do that I have to pay the whole amount before the 30th of May from this year. The second option sounds more reasonable, Installmens, I can pay them in 24th months, 23 times I pay them 76 Euro, then the 24th month I pay them 57 Euro, then I'm done. If I do that I have to pay the first amount of 76 Euro before the 30th of may from this year, plus I have to pay interest if I do it in installments. Sigh! "I wanna be a millionaire... sooo frigging baaad!"

 
I know what it is to live in not-wealthy, my parents and I have been there, we didn't know else. We came by and that's it. I can be very carefull with money, I can go into shops and have a look around and just don't buy anything, I will just look. I can walk in to grocery shops and buy the cheapest food and only what I need. That's defenitly a must at the moment, I really have to take care of my money. I'm still saving money from the money I get every week from Humanitas (Food money, 40 Euro) www. Howtobecomeamillionaire.com 


Work was nice today, again I worked with wood. I finnished the child-seat-set, two tables, two 2 -seats, and two 1-seats. I really like to work on such things, but ofcource it can't be always fun. I had to saw alot of laths today aswell and drilled many holes into the same laths, boring work but it was okay. Tomorrow our boss wants to bring a self made cake to work, she did it before, nice right? Sometimes one of the guys at work bring something to eat, or I should say something to snack. Me? I should aswell bring something one day. Money, sigh! I will tell tomorrow how the cake was, for now I have to stop writting otherwise my coffee gets cold!

“After enlightement, the laundry"

“After enlightement, the laundry"

Just had a tiny bit of laundry today, I thought, what the heck, I will just throw it the machine. Yesterday the washingmachine on the second floor was broke, If you wanted to wash you had to hold the button. On the first floor the washingnmachine worked, (I thought) I pressed the button and the machine made noise. Meaning it worked. After five or six hours I came back, I totally forgot about the wash, and still the washingmachine wasn't done. It still had to spin, but it refused to do that.

I pushed many buttons, putted it of and on, and finally it spinned and I waited till my wash was done.This morning the same thing, I putted the wash in the machine, added washpowder, and pushed the button. The machine made noise again, it worked, I thought! After a few hours I had a look but nothing happened, the wash was still in the machine, dirty. Another guy looked at it but, nothing helped. It's broke, both washing machines are broke now. There's always something going on here, lol, things brake and they won't be fixed. I could make a washing list what all has to be fixed here. I wonder what there going to do with the two broken washingmachines, fixing it by a fixer or buy two new ones?

I had a good day today, I felt better then yesterday. I need to stop whinning, I know, cause it doesn't change anything, and it doesn't help me move forward. Eermm, in a way it does help me a bit forward cause the grieving, whinning and feeling sad is a part of the healing. I need to let it out, let out my emotions instead of cropping it all up, right? I woke up at 7:15 am, a nice and a good time. I took a shower and putted comfy clean clothes on. Today I planned a rest day, meaning doing not much. And that's what I did. 


I cleaned a bit my room and made some food, at 6:30 pm Johannus's Son knocked on my door, just like yesterday he wanted to play soccer with me. How can I resist a cute kid? It was fun, and I was suprised I actually got some soccer talent aswell. We played for an hour and that was long enough, he had to go to bed cause tomorrow it's school for him again. I have been re-reading my blog a bit today and it was quit interesting, specially the Humanitas part. When I first walked in here I was nerves and now I'm actually doing well. 


I also red about parts that I still felt extremely attached to Saf and her kids. I guess it was still so fresh a few months ago, the trip back from Canada to Holland went fast. There I was sitting on the couch in Barrie, Canada,with my suitcases packed, within 8 or 9 hours I was already in Holland, away from the Family and alone. Now a few months later I don't have that extremely attached feeling, I still care about them and love them, but I can handle it easier now then two months ago, I can give it a place and keep the memories. 


I wrote about meeting them, I was so sure to meet them again this year, I even searched online if it was possible in my state that I have been ilegal to return to Canada. I can say now, sure I would like to meet them, but I don't think it would be appropiate to do such thing at the moment. But who knows?(I would LOVE to see Tasn again though) But for now I will say, no, sure I would like to travel in the near future but other countries first. My goal is to not sit on my @ss, and just live my life like I use to do back in Holland. I wanna live! I wanna see the world and do things, accomplish things. I'm 43 damned! LOL! 

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

A thundercloud and rain in the morning and in the late afternoon sun and slightly a clear sky, those were my moods today. Sorry, to complain again, I wish myself it was easier too.  I wish my thoughts would have a 'mute' button sometimes, so I can switch it off whenever I think of Saf or my life in Canada. This morning it was that time again, I just looked around in my room and I thought, "This room looks like a cell in a prison, I had it better in Canada," then the whole thinking proces starts...

Thinking up loud...

I know Saf and I both have gone seperad ways but, is it fair to think it's 'unfair' that she is living with her new lover in her bungalow having fun living her life and feel all jolly in Canada? And I'm here back in Holland, trying to build up my entire life, laying at the moment on a cheap bed in a small room in a building for homeless people.

Is it fair, to think it's 'unfair' that her new lover is prolly having fun with her kids? Specially the two youngest kids, I took care of them for a long time, I washed them, feeded them, put them to bed or put them for a nap, took them out for a walk, a bikeride, or to the park. It's so hard to imagining them being with her new lover and 'he' does all that. Just thinking up loud.

Is it fair, to think it's 'unfair' that they all back there in Canada having fun and live there lives normaly? And I'm not.

I know I shouldn't all think these thoughts, perhaps there not even that happy as I assume but this morning it flashed trough my mind. I know I need to let her live her life and I have to live MY life and move on. But just so now and then aarrgghhh! IT'S FEELS UNFAIR! Sorry, I needed this to get of my chest. I know there's no such thing as fair or unfair, Saf has her life and I have mine. I think it's a part of losing anything, being a little p!ssed off, especially if you have lost someone, I should feel like it's unfair. I will keepmy head high
.

On with the day! After a little nap I washed my face, washed my hair and shaved my face, putted my shoes on and  went off to do my duties off today. I needed to buy a gift for 'someone,' cause I bought the 'othern ones' to a gift for there birthdays, it was fun to do. Shopping on Saturday is hell though sometimes, I was at a toy store and it seemed that every kid of the city was there. Throwing with balls and screaming, but okay, that are kids. I picked the toys and payed them, I was satisfied.

On to the grocery store and the post-office. At the post-office I bought a card, it was hard to find a card with a english text in a Dutch store, but I succeeded! I bought the stuff I needed in the grocery store and went home, well home, to my room I meant. I felt a bit better, better then this morning. funny though that thoughts can sometimes change, then you think bad about something and then you think it's okay, but the situation is the same. I should stop thinking, but that's easier said then done. 


I had a nice little chat with someone on Facebook, she gave me a few tips. Sigh! I should chat more with my friends online, I just don't know what to say all the time, lol! Here are the tips 'she' gave me...

"One day I decided that every single time I felt sad and sick, I would talk myself out of it.
I would sit up and say OUT LOUD, NO! I am NOT going to let this get me, I am NOT going to keep doing this to myself. And the biggest thing? I told myself, she is not there crying and sad so why am I? Everytime the sinking feeling would come I would do just that anything.

"NO, I AM NOT GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS!" And I would immediatlely get up and do something else, tell yourself I am crying, but she is not. I will live too. When you feel this loneliness, get out of your room and go out into the streets, do some window shopping. Buy yourself a coffee or an ice cream do something you like that makes you feel good.

Sounds good right? Although, the 'out loud saying' I don't know, I think I will wispher it or shout it out loud in my head. Cause they might think I'm going nuts, lol. Thanks for the tips J. your a gem! 

"Sjon is busy building up his life after comming back from Canada."

"Sjon is busy building up his life after comming back from Canada."

That was the tittle on the piece of paper what my counselor gave me this morning. On the paper was more information about me, about what has to be done or already has been done. I like the tittle, although it's kinda sad for me to read or perhaps for others, but it challenges me aswell if I read it. Like, okay I'm building up my life, I'm ready for it, show me what you got! C'mon! The counselor appointment was okay, but not with a happy ending, we both decided there was no help needed further.

It sounds akward to hear that I didn't need help, I'm still a bit hmm, I don't know. We had a good talk while he asked me how I was doing, "Your doing alot of stuff, and that's suprises me, good job!" he told me. At the end of the conversation my counselor kinda asked me what he can do for me. I told him first that I devide my problems in two categories, one category is the so called paper bussines. My income, my usarances, looking for a house, looking for a job, bills, etc, etc. The second category I haven't named yet, it's about my grieving, missing Canada, Saf, the kids, feelings and thoughts, etc, etc. Category one is going slightly well, but category two is not going so well.

I'm still having the ups and downs, and sad thoughts. I know it takes alot of time and I know there will be a time when I will be happy again. Although all that I still asked my counselor for help, then he asked me what kinda help I needed, "What can I do?" he asked me. I couldn't answer him, I mean, what can he do? What do I need? I don't know. I could drop by every week for a talk and see how I'm doing but he didn't want that. He kept talking about "You still have to do it all yourself," he could give me advice and he could hear my stories every week, but in the end it's all up to you. I understood him, but still I don't know. It was difficult to explain him things, I couldn't find the right words what I needed to explain him things.

Yes,I can heal myself, and I know it takes time and that's all. I'm doing the things I need to do to get over this proces, I'm writting things of me, (Blog) I'm doing the 'No contact,' I deleted and blogged things from my computer and internet. I told my counselor this aswell, and he told me that I'm doing a good job, I did and do alot of stuff. And yes, further he can't do much for me. It's all up to me now.

It was a nice day today, the weather was good, not to warm and not to cold, with alot of sunshine. The weekend will be good too, so I heard. Johannus (remember him?) will pick up Frank (rmember him?) today to stay the weekend over. Frank has a house for himself now, but Johannus and Frank have build up a good friendship, that's why the invite from Johannus. Tonight we will both have a little drink in Johannus's room, I'm kinda looking forward to kit. I bought some munchies aswell for them, cause they offer me food to sometimes. 


Update~

Today was suppose to be the day, that I should pay a part of my health-insurance, but my counselor Paula has a short holiday. The other girl from the office didn't know what to do and how much money had to be payed, I didn't know either. Next wednesday I have a appointment again with Paula, we will both handle things of then. So much to do! 


I'm doing well, still grieving but I accept that, cause it's normal. But I feel a challenge aswell, I want to work on my thoughts and sadness. I will start this weekend, everyday a little part.

Let it be

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

"Let it be."

"Let it be."

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.And it's easy as it says here, right? Well, sometimes yes and sometimes no! I had the song 'let it be' from the Beatles in my head almost all day, and I liked it. I wish I had the song everyday in my head, okay I'm overreacting. But think of it, when someone is comming to you with a problem and we both can't solve it, just sing, Let it be! Or when you think of a problem yourself or your feeling sad and you can't solve it, just sing, Let it be! More about this song later on in this post.

Today was good! (thinking positive) I worked on two wooden child seats at work and a table. Mini tiny child seats, there so cute, it's actually a set. The set comes with one table, two seats, and a one 2-sitter,I almost finished one set today. I worked alone on the set, with sometimes some advices from my boss. Two times today the boss sent me two new guys, and they had to help me. I'm so bad in doing that, telling someone what to do. I mean I don't mind working alone or working with another, but giving orders, I don't know. But it went okay, the new guys didn't stay long.

The day's are going fast when you work, it was 4:00 pm before I knew, at that time we clean up and go. Working with wood is not a fine thing though when it's hay fever season, I sneezed alot, thank god for nose-spray! After work I went straight to the church, for the free dinner, just like last night they served a nice meal. Today we had 'hutspot,' a dish of boiled and mashed potatoes, carrots and onions. As meat we had a smoked sauasage. 

Hutspot!

So, now I have actually weekend, Yay! But tomorrow will be a full day, first thing in the morning I will have the counselor at 10 am. I have to go to Nijverdal, and I will go by train, it's almost walking distance. I really have to visit my Dad one of these days, I haven't seen him in a few weeks. But I'm so tired after the week has ended, last weekend I took a nap two times a day. I could go tomorrow but it will be such a long walk, I will do it another time, I will 'Let it be,' for now. 

..."And when the night is cloudy, There is still a light that shines on me, Shine on until tomorrow, let it be. There will be an answer, let it be, let it be, let it be."

The song is still wondering around in my head, It's not my favorite song though from the Beatles. Paul McCartney wrote this song it was inspired by his mother I red somewhere, his Mom is called Mary, who died when he was 14. Many people thought "Mother Mary" was a biblical reference when they heard it. And I though the same, I thought they meant Mother Teresa.

More facts? 

Paul had a dream one night when he was paranoid and anxious. He saw his mom who had been dead for ten years or so; she came to him in his time of trouble, speaking words of wisdom. This brought him much peace when he needed it. It was this sweet dream that got him to begin writing the song.

This was the first Beatles song released in The Soviet Union. The single made it there in 1972.

'Let it be,' was played at linda McCartney's funeral. Paul, George, Ringo and Elton John came together to play this song for her memorial.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna listen to the song now, but first me make a coffee! 

"Carpe diem."

"Carpe diem."

A nice day today, although I had a slow start and I was feeling tired. The weather was perfect, it wasn't to cold or to warm, it was just right. The sun had it hard this morning, but later on the sun shined more and more. Wednesday cleaning chorses were there again, with the coffee break at 9:15 everyone (well,everyone?!) was getting something to do. Actually the staff asks you what you want to do. When it was my turn I automaticly choosed for the kitchen and dinning room on the second floor, cause I already made a little start on that last night. (What a mess) If everyone would do something, this building would have been a lot cleaner,but anyway.

After I cleaned the kitchen and dinning room I went for a nap, after that I had an appointment with one of the staff members. My counselor has a short holiday so a new staff member took things over from her.There were 2 little things needed to be done, what is important this week, I needed to write a resume and maybe in the end of the week I  can pay a sum of money to the summerhouse (where I stayed last February) it won't be the 300 Euro where they asked for to pay for the 1st of may, but the half of it. Cause my healt insurance needs to be payed as well. Money, money, money!

The resume was a tough job in the end, filing in information was easy to do. But, filling in the work information was difficult. I worked with many factory's after I was done with college, I didn't recieve a diploma from college, My Dad offered me a job in 3 shifts where he already worked. The factory was called Viplex pvc, and they made rainpipes and other stuff like that. Working in 3 shifts was tough, my first working day started right away in the nightshift. (10pm till 6am) I worked there for 3 years, after that I quited the job cause I really couldn't handle the 3 shifts. Working in a team wasn't my thing, I never worked and everything was new for me, I was called a working rookie.

After the Viplex, I had several and many other jobs, a month here and a few days there, then there a half year, etc,  etc. I did some schoolings aswell and followed a project with succes, I had a few welding diplomas and after that I got to work in a metal factory. Then I got a sick thyroid and I never worked again, you can blame my sick thyroid. I can tell a whole story about my working past and I'm sure I skipped alot of factory's and details about
my sicknesin this post. But to sum that all up is way to much to write down, specially on a resume. We kept it short the resume, and I'm happy with the result.

I finnished my laptop last night, but I made a few mistakes this afternoon. While starting it I lost 5 programs on my laptop what I downloaded last night, MSN, yahoo, Avast, Firefox and Ccleaner. I had to download it all again, and that was a hell of a job. Downloading MSN wasn't so fun aswell, struggling trough my hotmail I bumped into Saf's MSN profile picture aswell, (oops!) I didn't like what I saw, can you guess what it saw? It was Saf and her new boyfriend. I tried to find an option to in some sorta way get rid of the picture or find a solution to not see the picture. I didn't find it though, but You can only see the picture when you click contactpersons. So, I'm not gonna click it again. Sigh!

Yesterday I decided to throw my positive thoughts a little higher, I need to stop whinning about things, sounds easy right? Not, so! But I'll try. No more sadness or less sadness , it REALLY doesn't help me further, if I think of it. I'll try to make fun and enjoy the little things around me. People brag sometimes about, how I can be so friendly or so joyfull. Maybe I'm a good actor? I notice that I like to help people around me, giving advice if there lonely or sad, or help them when they have a problem. While I do that I think to myself, if I can help others why can't I not help myself then? After seeing Saf's MSN profile's picture I noticed that I'm sure not healed and not ready for brake the 'No contact.' When I think, "Oh, I'm feeling much better!" I guess I will think twice. I might level up the 'No contact' a bit further.

Time will heal me! The will is there for sure, Friday I have a meeting with the counselor, then I will talk about 'this' with him.

My ever changing moods...

My ever changing moods...

10 degrees colder then yesterday, it was the right choice to put a sweater on to work. Although it was colder it was also a nice feeling, nice and fresh. Today was another day at work, it was good but I was tired as well. I fell nearly asleep with our first break, and with the second break I felt down and.... I don't know. I had this annoying feeling over me, I felt sad, disappointed, it was one of the missing moments again. The feeling that you want to be alone, I didn't want to be where I was, I just wanted to be in Canada, with the kids and with Saf. Just memorizing the good old times. 

I was thinking the why's' and the 'I had to do this and that's again,  or the 'it could have been like this and that's.' Sigh! Thank God it only lasted for an small hour that down moment, after our break I went back to work, back to the last few card boards again. I only needed a few and then I was done with all of them, they came with a new order for the wooden child seats. And they wanted me to make a start with it, it kept my mind of things and thoughts. My head is sometimes such a mess, there is so much to do to build up my entire life.

For example, I need furniture and alot of more things. Most important is a fridge, a washing machine and a bed. Maybe I should saving some money now, although I heard from some guy here at Humanitas, that here in Almelo there is a some kinda community  who will give you a sum of money to buy furniture or other things for what a house needs. It's a sort of a project, sounds interesting. I was just thinking about it today, that I have just none furniture what so ever.


I told you about the Trojan horse I had on my laptop last night, it was okay and my Avast anti virus protected the Trojan. But it got weirder today, my browsers crashed so many times and I had so many pop ups, it was getting annoying. I decide to do a full system recovery, it was the second time because a few months ago I did the same. It took me one hour and I was back on the net, loads of downloading, but it's all good. I still need to download Windows Messenger, it's being a pain to download it though. 


I made a new appointment with my first counselor upcoming Friday, he's the one who got me at Humanitas. Everything is going well with my stuff, (bills, income, work) it goes slowly but steady. There is still a thing what bothers me and that is that I could get some help with my thoughts, my process and my healing.  That's why I called the counselor for an appointment, I'm doing slightly okay though but some more help is not bad for me, to get me further back on track. I can't let some things go in my mind, maybe it's not needed, but I don't know. 


I'm doing the 'No contact', but you can't really call it that, I still keep a bit of a contact. I message so now and then Mar and Noor on Facebook to ask how they are, In the 3 months I messaged them twice. I don't see the harm in that, but still, No contact is No contact. When ever I feel for it I message Saf to ask how she is, but I do that rarely. I sent Tasn, and Noor Birthday presences, and they both liked it. There will be maybe come a time that I will stop giving presences with there birthdays, or maybe smaller presences. I will just see.


Tiny little update...

I just had a message from my Hotmail, someone sent me a bunch of spam and now they blocked my account for a little while. I made a new hotmail account and my new e-mail adress is sonnie100dj@hotmail.com  The old account is history!

I think I got a horse on my laptop and his name is...

I think I got a horse on my laptop and his name is...

Trojan! I don't know how it get there, but so far so good 'Avast-antivirus,' keeps protecting it. I let a Avast run a full system scan while I'm writting this post . Please, don't let my one and only laptop not crash!

Today was another warm day, there was sun and warm degrees, 23 celcius. Tonight the weatherforecast forespelled rain and tomorrow almost 10 degrees colder. I like the rain at the moment, it's good for my hay fever. Today at work was good, I worked another full day, and still working on the card-board. Still need to do a few and then I'm done, it's about time cause it gets boring after 3 weeks. Today aswell we had some new workers at Reha, the new ones worked half days, to get used to the working place. They were nice guys.

Avast full system scan (36%)  eeek! ~ Avast keeps protecting it!

There are a few things to do this week, My counselor has a week of to celebrate her Holiday. I will get a another counselor just for one week, she will help me with something that needs payment. The summer house where I was needs 300 Euro before the 1st of may. That might be slightly a problem but we will see. In the end of this week I might get my care alowance payment. I keep my fingers crossed! Cause maybe then I can pay the people of the summerhouse already a sum of money.

Avast full system scan (64%) almost there! ~

I need this week or next week a bunch of new thyroid medications, and I want to check my blood to see how my thyroid is doing. It's about time, the last check was last year February. I'm feeling good though with my sick thyroid, I mean I feel like I always felt with this sick thyroid, tired and not much energy, and a few other sympthons. Not much changed, but checking my blood might give other answers.

Avast full system scan (89%) .....

the virus scan is almost done, let's see what I have to do. It said already I have one infected file. Okay Avast full system scan 100% is done!  One infected file, Avast asks me what to do with it, delete or save it. If I save it it stays there but it doesn't do a thing, (virus is dead) I choosed for deleting it, I have to restart the laptop, but I will do that later.


I would like to try something new~ 


Well, something new for the readers but old for me, even though it's old and it's a thing I don't really like, I would like to give it a try.... Everyday! I would like to write down in every post from now on 5 things what made me happy today. I did this as a homework when I was visiting counselors. Yeah In had a few. Now let's get started! 


5 things what made me happy today! 


1) It made me happy that I got up early and didn't slept over the time I wanted to get up. 


2) Working with the cardboard went pretty fast. 


3) happy that my horse 'Trojan,'  is vanished from my computer. 


4) Dinner was nice. 


5) That I found out that the Canadian Dollar is more then the Dutch Euro. 


Tomorrow another 5 things what made me happy 'that' day.

A bit of rain would be nice...

A bit of rain would be nice... 

It's warm and I'm trying not to complain, maybe the warmth in my little room is making me so sleepy. I could go outside but it's warm there aswell and the hay fever is on red alert. But it's okay, I'm doing some homework on the laptop and re-arrange my map with all my important mail in it. I like it when everything is in order and I like being updated with my mail. So, I can see what is done and what is not done. I think I broke my own personal record taking some naps the last 3 days, last Friday I had two naps, yesterday two naps and today aswell two naps. Just that exhausted feeling on my chest is making me sleepy. Good thing is that I feel better after a nap.

Last Friday I didn't do much, the things I wanted to do I skipped and told myself, "I will do it Saturday." Saturday I started with the laundry at 6:30 am, yeah, I was early. Doing laundry here means you have to be on time, there are only 2 washing machines, and it's always the question if they work this time. The washing machine on the second floor worked, I had two loads and it took me almost a day. The machines here aren't that big as in Canada, otherwise I would have one small load. It was nice weather and I decided that after my needed nap I will go outside to sniff some sunshine, I took my bike and went for a ride, it wasn't so busy on the streets, I guessed most of the people were in to town. 

And they were, after my bike ride I did some grocery shopping and the supermarket was packed. I was sure I took some money with me after I wanted to pay my grocery but I had my wallet but I forgot to put some more money in it. I had to use my bankcard, what I didn't use in months, I reminded that there was some money recently put on my account. I hoped it was enough, and it was, pffeeww! Last Friday night I spend sometime with Johannus and Frank in there room, actually Johannus's room, Frank was a visitor of Johannus cause Frank has a place for his own now. 

Frank was so happy with his house, lol, but the first night he called his buddy Johannus to pick him up, he was bored cause he had no tv and no internet. Today Johannus brought him home, he spent 3 days here. Last night I spend aswell time with them, sometimes it's fun with them and I look forward to it, but I like it to be on my own aswell sometimes. Maybe I should be more spending time with other people, I never been such a communicater, but I learned alot and I'm progressing with changes. Why not learn to communicate more then? right? But at the moment I don't feel like communicating much, only when I feel for it.


Today just before dinner Johannus's Son came at my door knocking, I thought, "Again asking me to play some soccer?" He ask me alot these days to play some soccer games, today I didn't feel much for it, I was tired. I opened the door and there he stood, Johannus's Son. He asked me, "Are you comming?" I thought, "Again?" But he meanted actually, come with us to MacDonnalds for a meal. I went with him and with the rest of the Family, I always feel guilty cause I can't pay them back, cause I'm broke. I asked Johannus, "Shall I bring some money?" He said, "I will pay." Sigh! Next time I will pay! 


A few updates.

Like I promised here are a few updates,  I will be getting a few bills what will be huge. There is the rent allowance what they payed me once a month while I was already in Canada, I had to stop this paying but I thought it would stop automaticly when I stopped the rent. Then the care allowance, I had to stop them aswell but I totally forgot them. They payed me too once a month while I was in Canada, it wasn't much but still. I will be getting a bill, and prolly I'm allowed to pay them once a month a small amount of money. Sigh, I wish I got rid of all these bills.

I need to call or message a few other usurances aswell they took money from me every month while I stopped them before I went to Canada, the company is called Ageon. I could use the money well, for my other bills, maybe they will pay me back the money what they took of me. 


So far the updates for now, My head is sometimes a mess, cause there is so much going on. I like to have things in order, like I use to have when I lived on my own. But now I'm in a totally other situation, I never been broke. I know though what it is to live with small money, I did it almost all my life. But I never been broke, I always took good care of my money. Even in Canada, maybe a bit to much. I learned that while being whit Saf, ofcource you need to spend your money together or when someone from the Family is in need of something what costs you, you are there for them, always! 

Tomorrow work again, we are getting a few new employers, let's see what they can do. It will be an early night for me, I need my sleep. So, I will say for now... 


"You are the first thing to enter my mind in the morning and the last thing to leave my heart at night. Good night blog!"

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ~William Shakespeare.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.  ~William Shakespeare.

The weekend has started, and I'm doing so, so, I'm still feeling a bit down but there's no reason too, or is there? Maybe it's the upcomming phonebill from Saf, afraid of what's coming, I really hope for no argues again this time. I still miss the Family, sometimes I feel good and I can continue in the things I have to do, but just that sometimes there is that heavy missing feeling. The last few days it feels like it's a double missing feeling, Don't know why, just because of the phonebill message from yesterday? Maybe, or maybe it's just a moment in my proces. I will get over this 'moment,' like I always do.

I didn't do much yesterday, I spend some time with the guys here. And being outside with the coffee break, was nice cause the weather was good. Some guys here have some really naughty behaviour, in there eyes it's making fun and jokes, they like to stir up things. A few days ago I told you about the soccer match a Johannus and Frank wanted to see on my laptop, I was actually planning to say no, and said no, but in the end I said yes (meaning no though, sigh!) In the end they watched the game on TV. In the first place the Dutch tv channels didn't want to broadcast this soccer game, but the Belgium channels did broadcast it. Yay, for my laptop. 

I went with them to watch the game, cause they insist that I came aswell, oh well. We watched the game in Johannus's room. Including his wife and the 2 little kids, the youngest one was already sleeping. The second one was being naughty and slept later, sigh, I really don't like that kid's behaviour, he's very naughty and his behaviour is to be ashamed of. Anyway, we watched the game and had a few drinks. It's actually not alowed to drink alchohol, but okay. The guys here when they drink, they drink alot. Me? I'm not that a drinker, I think I had 2 glasses and that's it. Johannus and Frank always try to get me more to drink, but I'm tough and keep saying, "No." 

I just don't like it, and I wish they wouldn't drink that much either. Sometimes there behaviour is to be ashamed off aswell, or is it just me thinking as a nanny? Or maybe it's just the way I am, I'm totally the opposite to most of the guys here, and no one is gonna change that. After the match Johannus, Frank and I were talking downstairs in the big dinning room and someone else joined us, an older guy named Harry. This guy is a nice, tough, guy but he had a bit to much to drink this evening, I could tell. Harry is known as a drinker, but I never saw him drunk though, tonight for the first time I did.


I don't like drunk people, specially here at Humanitas. Harry wanted to make a few pranks, and ofcource Frank and Johannus dared him to do it, they like to stir things up. The one they wanted to pull the prank with was Rene, it's always Rene, poor guy. Rene is a guy who is a bit weird and makes mistakes all the time, he can't take good care of himself. So now and then I speak with him, he works with me at Reha aswell. Rene was out this evening, and Harry wanted to put fast-glue in his doorkey, yeah, that's funny! Not! But he did anyway, and he wanted to push the fire alarm on later in the evening. Funny? No! Rene came back while I was in my room and you could hear him cursing, Harry was wondering around in the building. Rene called the nighporter to get his door open, his key got stuck in the door and it broke off, strong stuff that fast-glue.

Frank and Johannus got a hold on Harry and told him that Rene is on his way to Harry's room (not) to insult him and accuse him for pulling this prank. Harry got mad and went to his room, and there both started to curse at each other, the nightporter came between them to calm them down, with succes! Harry went to his room, and Rene went outside to get a ladder and get in his room trough a window. Rene is on the second floor just as me. I so don't like these kinda pranks, but it's common here as I have been told many times. Oh the stories I hear here sometimes. Some pranks are okay, you have to take them lightly, but some pranks, sigh! Maybe it's just because I'm not used to this kinda jokes, pulling a prank should be fun and afterwards you laugh about it both, the one who pulled the prank and the one who got pranked. 


But the prank night wasn't over yet, the firealarm was still not on. We all went to bed, and it seemed the prank storm calmed down. I was in my room to do some last Facebooking, then all of a sudden, 11:48pm, the fire-alarm went off. I thought right away, "Harry!" I didn't even close my laptop and went calm downstairs, it's a must to go downstairs when the firealarm goes of. Everyone was gathering around in the backyard, that's a rule we have to follow. Some were complaining and some were making little jokes. Johannus and his wife had the two little kids with them, half asleep, way to go Harry! It took a while when the firetruck came and it was cold, Harry stood at the gate and Rene stood somewhere else, miles apart from each other. After 20 minutes we could go back indside, a few fire men were still inside, searching for the firealarm button what went off. 


It was a long night, and secretly I hoped that Harry gets charged with these pranks. Pushing a fire alarm  as a joke will be charged, and ofcource it will cost Humanitas a sum of money when the fire truck has to come. But I learned here that you have to shut your mouth when someone is asking you, "who did it?"  it's better to stay out of such things, don't get involved. Everyone went back to bed, and Rene had to sleep with his door unlocked. Sigh!


A few updates.

I'm still looking for a doctor,  I need to call more doctors and get more adresses. My thyroid medication is almost done, I could get them in Nijverdal like I did last time. My healt insurance will pay for them. Talking about my healt insurance, My healtinsurance is running again as you prolly know. Though I still need to pay them aswell, every month I will get a 'acceptgiro with the sum of money written on it what I have to pay. An acceptgiro is a little yellow card what makes paying easier, you fill in your autograph and your banknumber and send it to the one who sent the acceptgiro. I have two acceptgiro's what still needs to be payed, it's from the month January and Frebuary.


The summer house where I stayed for 3 weeks in the month February  still needs to be payed aswell, the owner of that house and myself are emailing each other when I can pay them. The last email they they wrote came with a friendly proposal, they want me to pay one half of the bill before 1 May, and the second half of the bill before 1 September. Sounds reasonable, my counselor and I had already a talk about the 'summer house bill' before I got there proposal. I have my monthly income now completly settled, I got already my first sum of money of the month January and February. Although Humanitas took quit a sum of money off that income, it was for my rent of the room I have here.


Next week I will prolly get another sum of money, perhaps I can already send a 100 Euro to the owners of the summer house. Or I will send it just before 1 May, like the owners propose me. Ugh! So much to do and pay! Searching for a house? I'm not in a rush, first I want to get rid of my bills, and get my money in order. Although I registered to another housing corporation, in a city where I would like to live. This city is called Enschede. Enschede is a nice place, I always called it small Amsterdam. So now all in order I'm registred in 3 cities, Almelo, Hengelo and Enschede, I can look online for houses in these cities or they will call me when they have found a house. 

The ING online banking is settled, I can look online now what's comming in and what's going. Most of the money I will get will go to the bank where Humanitas is registred, they will keep an eye on my money until most of the bills has been payed. It is there job to keep an eye on that and they will help you with your guilts and bills, and they will give you advice in what to do best. Okay Sjon! <-- My name! That's enough writting for today. Tomorrow a few updates more and I will tell how the weekend went. For now I will say, 'Au revoir!

Sometimes I'm falling back...

Sometimes I'm falling back...

Unexpected I had a cry moment this morning... This morning after the coffee I felt down while I was waiting in the office for my weekly money. The person who arranges the weekly money was on the phone and I had to wait, while sitting there waiting my thoughts were wondering off. Then suddenly the woman was done and asked me to come in so she could hand over the weekly money, after she handed the money she asked me how I was doing, then I started to cry, just like that.  I knew though why I was crying, something little happened last night  and there was even no need to cry.

Yesterday when I opened my laptop to check my E-mails I saw there were 11 new messages, "wow," I thought I never had so many mails. "Maybe, there's a message from Saf or from Dako,"I thought, I recently sent Dako a mail to asking how he was doing. But no, no mail from Dako, but yes from Saf, the tittle said "Phonebill." When I opened the mail Saf told me about her phonebill, and asked me friendly to pay a apart too. I made a few phone calls to Holland last year December while I was still in Canada. Saf hated it to ask, she told me in the mail. My first reaction was, "How dare she to ask me, she knows I'm broke," but it's fair towards her that I pay for my own phonecalls. Even though I don't have the money for it yet.

I answered her friendly like she was friendly to me, "I will pay my part when I have the money for it", I messaged her,"But first I would like to see the bill," I think that's fair too. She replied and told me she will send me in a couple of days the bill trough a mail. Further she asked me if I already was dating someone, and if I didn't I should take a step forward and try to date someone. She was dating someone recently, she told me. It was all meant good, but I didn't like it that much, the subject dating hurted me. I didn't feel like e-mailing about the subject 'dating,' right now, and I surely didn't want to know that Saf was already seeing someone. Although I knew that she was dating, it felt like a statement. But aparently she wasn't aware of the pain I was still going trough, It's over for her, but for me? I need time to heal. 

I explained her that I didn't like the subject 'dating' in the message I sent back, and that I surely wasn't ready to date someone yet. I need to settle my life first, I need to arrange alot of things, my mind is not on dating yet, I'm not in a hurry. I'm still going trough this proces and it takes alot of time, and I will take my time, I'm not in a rush. I told her aswell, that I'm happy that she is seeing someone, but that I don't want to talk about that either. It hurts knowing that, and I need time. Why am I telling all this private stuff in my blog? I didn't want to tell this in the first place, I didn't thought it was a big thing. Saf asked me to pay a part of a phonebill and asked me a few other things, I thought "Okay, fair enough," I will just mail Saf back and that's it. But in the end it bothered me, I was thinking alot of things and even in the end I cried, I don't even know why. There was no need to cry, but it happened.

Why should I cry about this? I thought I was ready for Saf to message her or mail her, just so now and then a little message asking her how she is. Once a month or once in two months, no problem I thought. Am I still not over her? I'm doing better then a few months ago, but I guess there is still a bit of a feeling deep inside somewhere, I don't know.I would like to keep the peace between us, and I hope this phonebill message does not end in a argue. I will pay my callings, just because I think it's fair, But I'm not paying my calls just because I don't want to argue with her. Paying her back is my priority, but I can't pay the whole sum all at once.

I wonder why I'm so afraid to argue with Saf, and why I want to keep the friendship with her and her kids. What is that? Why is it so important for me? Maybe it's the fact that 'they' were a huge part of my life during the years I was there. Still I don't know though, I just can't say to myself, "Hey, let them be, and forget them." I'm okay with the break up now. I knew that Saf and I will never be together again after Saf told me that it was better for you to go home. It's fine, I have peace with it. But really, keeping a little contact would be great, they were a part of my life. I can't throw that just of me! A few months ago I decided to do the 'No contact,' I needed that but it was difficult to explain that to other ones, specially to Saf, I didn't want to hurt her, but I really needed the 'No contact.'

The 'No contact' was needed for healing, I was struggling with myself to keep being friends with Saf and trying to settle my life again. That didn't work. After I deleted her from Facebook and got rid of the stuff what reminded me of her a huge rock fell of my heavy heart, what a relief. Not the fact that I got rid of Saf but that I got rid of the thoughts from me from her. Now I could continue, and I wished I had done it sooner. Sometimes I have it difficult with the' No contact,' but I keep going on. Although at the moment I would like to message her sometimes whenever I feel I'm ready, I really don't see the harm in that. But! I red this somwehere....

For those who want to remain friends: Why do you think that is? It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”. They are not ready to let you go (yet)

And this.... 

No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain. No Contact allows you to heal quicker.

Although I would still like to keep contact, not weekly but just like I said, whenever I'm ready or feel for it.  In the end I would really like that we both go seperad ways with both of us a happy life, with a so now and then a little chat asking, "How are you." I keep saying and repeating it, LOL! And I didn't even wrote about how my day was, tomorrow? I will do it tomorrow! Okay? Say yes! LOL! 

No is No....Right?

No is No....Right?

Day 119 already on my blog, the time flies. I can still remember post 100 with all the funny 100 items, and now I'm almost at post 120. Today I worked and it's going well, I'm still working on the cardboard and it's fine with me. In the wood section I try to work less cause of my hay fever, otherwise I will sneeze my nose off and burn my iritaded eyes. We are getting some new people upcomming Monday at Reha, they came for a visit today to have a peek what were doing. Our boss guided them around.

It's nice to have people around me, allthough some are strangers and not close friends, just that sometimes it's nice to have them or those around. Someone on Facebook asked me today if I build up already some new friends, I could'nt answer her, I said 'No.' though. I mean what are friends? Someone who you like to talk to and spend so now and then time with? That I don't call friends, but what do I call them then? Friends are people who are there for me and I'm there for them and where you spend alot of time with. People who I can count on.

At the moment here in Holland I can say I don't have friends, but that's okay. I have some friends in Canada where I can count on, and perhaps somewhere else in the world. I know I can count on some Facebook friends, and I consider Safa still as a friend, even though we broke up. In Holland I had a few friends, but they letted me down when I asked them for (urgent) help, when I was still in Canada. They gave me a big mouth and that's it, the so called friends. At that time when I needed them and dissapointed me, I felt down and sad, but I don't mind now. I will find or bump into new friends elsewhere.

I have been alone many times, I actually like it to be on my own sometimes, not always though. Funny that I didn't had that feeling in Canada, I liked it when I had people around me, I just needed to talk and communicate more. I'm more of a quiet person, I always been that way, I never was on the foreground. Maybe because of the way I grew up, Mom and Dad and me, just a quiet little family. We liked the quitness because we were used to it.

Late in the afternoon there was the free dinner again, just like last week I went straight from work to the church. Otherwise I have to ride first to Humanitas and perhaps put some other clothing on and then back to the church. It wasn't so busy at the church, just some regulars and some people from Humanitas. While we were waiting to get in, the people I know (from Humanitas) make little jokes, and sometimes make fun of you. 'They' find that funny and find it important to be that way to be tough, I laugh about it or laugh it away, but sure I don't like such behaviour all the time. I can write lots of stories about it, but will do that another time. 


At the dinning table I sat with Frank and Johannus & Family, Frank asked me if I use internet tonight. I told him, "Yes." He wanted to see a soccer match, cause his favourite team is on. Frank didn't had internet and no TV. "Sigh," I thought, "Damn, I'm looking forward for a quiet night on the laptop just alone after a hard day of work." In the first place I told him "No, sorry, I'm carefull with my computer." He didn't like my answer and gave a mean, serious face, and told me that he didn't thought I would say no. "What a nice friend are you," he said, and he went on, untill I said, "Okay, we can use it together."


Okay, I didn't mind in the end that we both watched the soccer game and that I don't even wanted to watch the game, but he had to respect my refuse. He was wrong with going on but maybe I was wrong too, cause I had to stick with my refusing I have to learn this and not 'always' be so kindhearted. Sometimes people can use you when you are this way, you say 'no,' and in the end you say 'yes,' but actually you mean 'no.' I know what to say or do then in such situation, but doing it... that's different. 


More about this subject tomorrow.

A day of rest?

A day of rest? 

It was a nice day, I did some cleaning as usuall on Wednesday and rested a bit.  I complained yesterday about the cleaning chorses, cause it's always the same people who do it, this morning things changed, with the coffee break everyone had to be there, and who wasn't there had to have a good reason to not be here. Otherwise they will be woken up by the staff, so, yeah, this morning was a bit hectic but good. Everyone did some cleaning like it has to be done, I did the upstairs kitchen and dinning room.

There were a few items in the news today in the Dutch newspapers that made me sick, I sure notice the difference living in Canada and being back in Holland. It seems Holland is so much more criminal and violent in there behaviour recently, I didn't see that while living in Canada. Today I heard the news that a  Dutch (female) politican Femke Halsema, her 6 year old Daugther was threatened with death on Twitter, the threatener wanted to go in discusion with Mrs. Halsema but he never got an reply. Can you imagine the frightened parents? Insane and sick!
 

The second thing on the news today, on the Dam in Amsterdam (just before the national monument) a man obliviously attempted a suicide, he setted himself on fire. People tried to help the guy to put out the fire, aswell some people were stunned and just were frozen to the ground. When I see such news I read the comments beneath the news too, some comments are so rude and not right. Insane and sick! In what country are we living? There is so much violent and criminal business going on here and aswell in this city, Almelo. I'm sometimes afraid to be beaten up. It sure was different in Canada.

On with this day, like I said, it was an okay day, with cleaning, resting, internetting, and moving. The guy who I helped out last week with painting (Frank) had to deliver his keys of his room today. He is ready with his new house and is ready to live on his own in his own new appartment. I'm gonna miss him though, he was a tough guy but a good guy. Friday he will come back for a 'goodbye' party, nice! The guy who helped him out aswell (Johannus) will surely miss him too, cause they were side by side nearly 24 hours a day. Johannus is the guy from the family living here, together with his wife and 2 little sons.  Aswell a tough guy but when he's alone he's quiet and sensible. 

His kids are very naughty in behaviour and language, it's annoying sometimes. It's like there deaf if you tell them, "Stop, don't do that!" But anyway, they have there adorable moments to. Sometimes when I sit with Johannus for a little talk, his kids are there aswell. I play with them sometimes or make jokes, it's a nice feeling and yeah, it makes me think of Tasn and Ab. I almost treat them the same way. When they cross the street I make sure they take it easy and tell them to stop when it's needed. Or, when they have a drink on the table, I make sure I move the cup if the cup get to close to the edge. Little things what I learned and saw.

Tomorrow another working day, it's almost 10pm, I will lay my head to rest soon. My head is a bit of a mess, I still had a few things to tell, but they can wait till tomorrow. Otherwise I will keep on writting till it's to late, I need my sleep. Putted already a few things ready for tomorrows work so I don't have to rush in the morning. See you tomorrow! Night! 

Warm... Cold!

Warm... Cold! 

It was cold today, I used to check the weather-forecast daily. But the last few years I didn't, I think I will start again. It's better then holding your hand out of the window and look if it's cold or rainy. I jumped on my bike this morning towards my work, and it was cold, I said it out loud actually, a few times. Darn! I just putted away the warm winter sweaters last weekend. Today I worked only a half day, at 11:45 am I headed of to the trainstation to get the train to my dentist appointment in Nijverdal. 

I surely didn't want to go on the bike, it was to cold, it rained, and I didn't wanna bother my hay fever. I was already getting cold and wet on the way to the trainstation. In the train I thought to myself, "Here we go again, to Nijverdal." I don't like it there anymore, although I got loads of GOOD memories here. I lived and grew up in this village, but, I had enough of it. I would like to have a change, a new challenge! Before I went to Canada, I lived in Nijverdal on my own for several years. And the last few years, I wasn't that happy with the way I lived, I lived my life and that was it. 


Nothing exciting happend, I did my grocery, my householdings, etc, etc. I lived on my own and I felt alone. I had enough of living such a life, but I could not do much about it. I longed for a wife and a family, or close people around me. Then all out of the blue, Saf came along, we told each other our stories, wow! And it clicked. She was all I ever longed for, the five kids didn't matter to me, I loved everyone. I longed for everything Saf and her kids had and gave me a close family, but eventually it didn't work out, and so it be. 


So, yeah, being back from something I ever longed for in Canada and then back to the same ol' in Nijverdal, no thank you. If I will return back in Nijverdal, it will remind me to much of the lonely life I lived there, the same supermarket, the same people, the same routine again, no really, thank you! Saf and Ab were in this village too for a short time, to help me out while moving. The places we were visiting still is a bit painfull to see again. So, I dare myself to take a new step in my life, a new challenge! I'm more then ready, but I got to be patience. 


I wasn't that long in Nijverdal, the dentist took only 15 minutes. A new fake filling for my rootcanal treatment and that was it. I so don't like when the dentist put these round cotton's in my mouth to get a better space for the drill, I nearly swallowed one again. And my tongue loves to dance with the drill sometimes it seemes, ouch! I still have to pay a bill from my last appointment but the dentist didn't say a thing, so yeah, better then. I think I was not even an hour in Nijverdal, on my way to the train I bought some nose-spray for my hay fever in a drug store. The price was okay, and the mark I bought was a good mark, I use this mark mostly every year. 


Things are going well with me, sometimes I still have the thoughts of Saf (ofcource), specially the kids. Doing things makes me feel a bit better, but grieving sometimes or just thinking about them and be sad is a must too. I need to relief my sad thoughts too to heal, right? I don't want to crop it all up or escape these thoughts. But sometimes it's a must to keep busy aswell, with knowing all this I'm doing well. Here at Humanitas they talked about a huge spring-cleaning, I had a short appointment with my counseler in the late afternoon and she told me about it. 


I told her that it's a great idea, maybe it's an idea to organise a 'brunch,' after the cleaning. We can all dress up in cleaning skirts and put on some music, I'm sure everyone would like that. The counseler laughed about it, and she agreed. The counseler was happy with me, happy with the things I do and how it is all going. To hear this, that makes me happy aswell, yippykayyaah!!