"Unexpected butterflies."

"Unexpected butterflies."

Just before I started to write this post, I have been laying on the bed staring at the ceiling for more then 30 minutes. I think I told already this but, recently there is living a woman here together with his daughter. At first sight she looked like she wasn't my type, she has tattoo's, she smokes and she's hectic and talks alot. The oppisite of me? Hmm, at first sight? yes! The days went on and the woman and I and a few other residents are getting  along well, one resident already told me that her and I should get together. Now 'that' resident is trying to connect us for already two days. And when that resident started, more residents started trying  to connect aswell. It was all good and nice, but I just didn't know, was I ready for a realationship? I have thought about it, and a new realtionship I really didn't expect so soon. I surely didn't expect her and that things went so fast, there was a chance for a relationship. I went to her room last night cause she re-furnitured it with all nice stuff, I went to her for a look, we had a really nice chat and we both felt comfy.

A little bit about her. She's 34 and her name is Ina, she broke up recently cause her ex was violent. Her past is hectic, she's been trough alot and she's a city girl. Ina has two kids from her last marriage. There are a few guys recently chasing her, but Ina has doubts about those guys. While we talked last night we talked about each other lives and our past, and we found out that we have more then a few things in common. It was a nice sit with her last night, but the 'love' wasn't there (yet), or was it? I don't know, yes and no. Anxious? Hmm, akward feeling? hmm, yes. She told me that the first time she saw me she liked me, and I'm started to like her recently, but kept a bit my distance. I'm not ready for a realtionship yet. To afraid to fall deeply in love cause I'm fragile at the moment. I'm to afraid to get dumped aswell. I'm confussed right at the moment and feel akward. As this day started it seemed everyone knew about the 'connecting' part between me and Ina, and nothing happend yet. 

At work a few residents came towards me and joked around about Ina and me, when is the wedding? Where is the wedding?  Just foolling around with me, I just followed them with aswell joking around. Nothing serious, but just a little tiny bit excited right? Yes, I was. But I kept my thoughts with me, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, I'm afraid to fall in love and afraid to get dumped afterwards, I don't wanna fall in that hole of pain again. It's a normal reaction right? After work I went to my room, some of the residents asked me I  would join them with dinner, they offered me food. I told them that that was okay, but I needed a shower first. That was alright. After my shower another resident came towards me, and told me that Ina wanted to make dinner for me. Later I found out that 'that'resident has been talking to Ina, and that she should make some dinner for me, so that 'we' could sit with each other and have a nice time. Well alright,we thought.


Me and Ina cooked our meal downstairs were it was quiet. She wasn't looking so happy, she told me she had a afwull day, there were some silinces too and I felt akward. What to do to cheer her up? Right? "Damn guys trying to connect us," she laughed. "I don't like the pushing," she told me, "Me neither, but let's just have fun and be friends and let the guys talk,"I said. Then Ina told me she misses her daughter, and she started to cry, ugh! I broke too, and I hugged her and kissed her on her forehead, I told her that it's gonna be alright and that she will be back soon. We talked a bit about her daughter and I told her that when she comes back you can plan a nice day out with her. Her daughter is on summer-camp for a week. The dinner was done and we went upstairs for a little while for a drink. (sounds almost like a date, lol) 


We went to her room, and again it was comfy, after a while we were holding hands and kissed a bit. Nothing serious yet, but it started. It felt good, but I was carefull. Way to carefull for her, we talked alot about how men and women should be in relationships. She told me a few times that she likes that the guy takes the first step if it comes to love or a realtionship, I got the message, but still... 'carefull.' I guess you know it by now why. I just ended a relationship and I feel a bit frighten to take the first step, afraid to fall in love. We ended up sitting on the bed and started to talk and layed in each other arms, "Do you like this like we sit here?" asked Ina, I told her "Yes", I needed this. Then I cried. I guessed I surely missed this feeling and the attention. We held each other tight and then she kissed me, I kissed her too. Our lips found each other and after kissing each other for a few minutes, I stopped her. 

I had doubts, I don't know what came over me. I double thoughts, I was afraid, but I liked it too. Again my afraidness took over, she cried and I felt so bad, I hugged her and told her, "Sorry," I tried to explain her why I stopped, I was confussed and had troubles in explaining it to her. I didn't even know why she cried, it was clear for me that it was my fault. After a while the crying was over, and we started to talk again, but oh, I felt so akward and such a loser. What was going on here? While we talked I told her a few times that I'm not ready yet, and that I just came out of a relationship, I'm afraid and carefull. "You are to carefull," she told me, she  made a few advances, she told me, but I didn't took the first step. Like I said, I'm carefull and took it easy, not just like 'beng'here we go. Ina is so different then me. She's  is a flip out in a good way, she's loose and very open. She's nice though and with a good heart, maybe it could have worked out if I took the kiss and went on. I just don't know.


Should I feel like a loser? Or was this moment just a moment that should have been like this? Sometimes things happen for a reason, I just don't know. Aswell, I'm surely not a guy who can just get laid and leave a woman behind. I fall in love and I build it up slowly, specially now. Ina and I sat again with each other and talked, "I'm not shy anymore, what I was earlier," she told me. Ina get's shy when it comes to men and love she told me a few times. It was oblivious for me that the 'feeling for me' was over. I felt a chance with her slipping by, it's over and out. Fail? Yes, a bit. I explained it to her again why things went this way this evening, it was okay for her, no hard feelings. She wasn't mad or dissapointed she told me. "We can become very good friends," she said.  "I really hope we do, cause your a very nice girl," I said to her. We watched TV and we sat comfy with each other, we even holded hands a few times and she layed her head on my shoulder. 

But the kissing was over, it's better aswell. I missed it though. Still I felt akward and a bit of a loser, and I should not even feel that way. I just don't know what to think right now, should I change myself and just have a fun time? Ina was to fast for me, that was oblivious, ofcource I reacted the way I reacted, that's me, I'm fragile right now. I liked perhaps the attention, am I in love? Yes and no, ugh! Does falling in love works for me right now? Should I take the first step when it comes to love if it happens again? A few persons told me I should, even Ina made it clear to me. Should I take another step with her? Or should I just be laid back and see what happens these comming weeks? So many questions, where I don't have a answer for. I felt I missed a chance, but maybe it was for the better. Maybe if God is with me he will give me a sign these comming week. If nothing will happen then it's even maybe meant to be, If I take  a step towards 'her' too. 


I could use some advice....

Good news! Bad news(?)

Good news! Bad news(?) 

I have some good news and bad news, well bad news? News to be a bit worried about, let's call it that. Where do I start with, good news or bad news? Uhm, ussualy when people talk about good news and bad news they start with the bad news. So, the news to be worried about is that the Municipality of Almelo still wants me out of Humanitas. A few months ago 'they' saw my rapport at Humanitas and according to them I'm ready to live on my own, I can leave Humanitas, cause I cost them to much money. And besides that there is a waitinglist, there are more people waiting for a room at Humanitas. Me and Humanitas are not agreeing with 'them' cause the best option to live on my own according to 'them' is to live very cheap. A chamber (Wikipedia) would be the easiest option and the cheapest. A chamber you can see as a room where I live now, just one room where you can stay until you find something else (The finding will take a few years) 

Now a few weeks ago it was time for a second rapport, but again the rapport seemed to good, "We can't come with that rapport to the Municipality of Almelo," said a staff member. So, we had to change the rapport a bit for good sake.  A staff member and I changed the rapport a bit so it looks that I still needed help with some things, let's say something about work and I still wasn't able to live on my own. Today I got a message back from 'them' with the message that they still didn't confirm with the rapport, I still need to go. The staff member who wrote the rapport together with me, sent 'them' back a message, a polite one but aswell a direct one. Thiss week we will get an answer or not. It makes me a bit nerves and a bit worried, I told this aswell to the staff member who helped me, "Don't worry about it, I will worry for you," she said. But still! 


Now it's time for some good news, within two days I will get the big sum of money what have  waited for, for almost two weeks. I bought a policy cause this policy was not in use anymore, I didn't use it for almost a year while I was in Canada. So, buying it was the best option. Now with this money I can pay all my guilts and aswell I don't have to pay back all of my care allowance, I had to pay all my monthly care allowance back cause I was in Canada, and it wasn't allowed to get that money there every month. I wanted to ask my care allowance back while I returned in Holland, cause I could use the extra money in the month. But instead 'they' found out I have been in Canada, payback time!  Now with the sum of money I'm getting I can pay all the allowance back, that means aswell I can ask for the monthly allowance again. Just my luck! Yay!!


That was the good news and the 'worry about' news? I will have to wait what will happen with the 'worry about' news. I worked today and it was kinda busy, I was exhausted afterwards but aswell satisfied. I needed to make something new, it was another baby two sitter, but this time with a bin (or how you call it) Ah! Pictures tomorrow, LOL! It was fun making it, tomorrow the two sitter is done. Tomorrow I got some more news to tell, early night for me tonight.

"Don't let your dreams be dreams."

"Don't let your dreams be dreams."

It's been a nice day, with here and there some down moments. It just happens sometimes, and it's normal. I knew for myself that my first relationship would be difficult, just because it was my first relation. I dove into the deep, and I knew nothing what was comming towards me in a relationship. I never knew it would be that much that I had to learn, or what I experienced. Love was easy but it wasn't not only love each other, there was so much more, I keep saying it but I really learned alot. And it seems so easy now, sigh! What hurts the most is that I just blew it all in my first relation, I regretted every little argue and every little issue I made. We both ussualy solved things but in the end it was just, done! It became to much, I know so much better now, but it's to late, and that hurts when I think of it. I will take what I have learned with me...

What made this day so nice? Well, I had some nice conversations with the residents. Harry knocked on my door at 10:00, he told there was coffee downstairs. Harry is almost like furniture at Humanitas, he's been here quit a while. Harry is in his 50's and I really hope he get's a place for himself, he's stubborn and he's a tough guy, but a guy with a small heart. Downstairs there were more residents waiting for the coffee, a new lady joined us aswell, a new resident. Her name is Ina and she came here with her 11 year old daughter yesterday. Ina is nice and not afraid to talk, she really flips it all out while she talks. 

My Dad got feeded by a fisherman, the kinda fish was a new salt herring!

 She gets along quit well with the other residents, another resident asked me if Ina wasn't a nice lady for me. I told him that I'm not in a rush and that she is surely not my type. Ina is a nice lady and we get along well, we talk and we laugh, but that's it. She's the oppisite of me, hectic, talks fast, smokes, and she's still in conflicts with other exe's. So yeah, I'm good. Like we say in Holland, we will see where the ship harbors. We will see what happens, but I'm surely on my hood and carefull when it comes to relationships again.

I have been to my Dad today with a small gift, Fathersday today! He was happy to see me and very happy with the gift, I gave him a new pair of slippers. But he wanted to hold on to the old slippers though, it was a gift from Saf, slippers from Canada. He walks in them daily and he really loves them. I told him that if the old ones brake or get holes in them you can try the new ones. When the nurse came in she told my Dad to wear the new slippers, the nurse took the new ones and shoved them on my Dad's feet. My Dad can be stubborn when it comes to new things, he rather walks or wear the old 'comfy' clothing. The old slippers were laying in a corner next to the TV, I'm sure when the nurse is gone he will put the old slippers back on, I love you Dad! Dad can't walk that good anymore, he admits it when he told me, the new slippers will do him good. 

Dad really loved the salt Herring, here goes another one!

I didn't stay that long, I was tired and wanted badly a nap, it's quit a walk to from Dad's place to the trainstation. I stayed for an hour and left, it was all good. Arriving back at Humanitas, some residents told me there was free food for everyone, still I don't know why, but okay. They gave me 2 whole breads, 12 eggs, 2 apples and one pack of milk, I could have take more but I dont have a freezer and my fridge is mini-mini-mini-scule. I guess I will be eating bread alot this week. Like I said this day was nice, I would like to tell more of my thoughts, my sad moments, or my angry feelings and that I'm still not happy but I don't want to complain, I have sometimes my happy moments and things are going well and that should be enough, right? No one is happy 24 hours a day, I need to live towards my goals and that's what I'm gonna do.

Saint germain - Sure Thing (feat.john lee hooker) - HD

I love this song! nothing better then listen to this on a grey and rainy evening. It makes me wanna share a poem....

Falling Down, pooling up,
Out of the sky, into my cup.

What is this wet that comes from above,
That some call disaster, and others find love.

The harder it falls, the less it is nice,
The colder it falls the harder the ice.

The rain has an art that I may not get,
So I stand still here and get soaking wet.

"Made a schedule."

"Made a schedule."

We were suppose to get alot of rain and lots of wind but, it was quit okay. There was place for the sun aswell, that made the day nicer. Again I didn't do much this day, In the morning I took my naps and in the late afternoon I did the last of my grocery and bought a little present for my Dad, cause of tomorrow's Father's day. Ugh! My Aunt insisted that I should buy slippers for him, as I didn't know that, sigh! My Aunt can be helpfull and friendly but sometimes it's the other way around. A few weeks ago she messaged me with a mail, she asked me why I didn't message her, I could be dead she told me, and she wouldn't even know. I just messaged her a few weeks ago, telling her how I was and how she was. Anyway! 

I wrote a little schedule for Ricardo, cause it's getting just to much when he shows up. I know he's going trough alot, but I expect from him to be nicer so now and then towards me, and more thankfull. He got to be aware that I really can't be with him 24 hours a day, I like him, I really do. But enough is enough, he comes sometimes with orders what were going to do when I spent time with him, hello? And If I don't follow these orders he gets mad, I know adhd patients like to have everything in order and having things there way. A good example today was that Ricardo wanted to go for a bikeride at 2:00pm (we both promised each other this yesterday) But things has changed a bit and I had to change the bike riding time from 2:00pm to 2:30pm, his Dad told me that he doesn't like when you change things.

Well sorry, but it is as it is, right? Ricardo was okay with the changed bikeride time after some insults and shoutings. And I must say we had a nice afternoon, we biked quit a while, we got some rain on our heads but that was okay, like Ricardo shoutted, "Were not from sugar!" We went to the canal for a little while and on our way back we drove by a garden center, they had alot of plants and garden stuff, but aswell fishes and other animals. Ricardo loved the fishes, specialy the big koi's. Afterwards we did some grocery and I bought the present for my Dad. Ofcource Ricardo wanted to buy a gift for his Dad aswell, he asked his Dad for money. His Dad asked me to buy some food for him and his two kids, marcaroni and a bottle of ketchup. Ricardo got two Euro to spend for the gift for Dad.

We came home with a little bit of food, one wrong bottle of ketchup and a to expensive gift for Ricardo's Dad. Sigh and LOL! His Dad was mad and I went downstairs after Ricardo blamed me for his mistakes, LOL!  I was used to it and I was fine, I know he will be back after his dinner. I will show him the new schedule when he comes. We have some new residents among us, and they like to cook, specially in the weekends. They always ask me to join them or they ask other residents. I refused a few times, thinking of that I have to do something to for a return. That's fine with me but my budget is very low, and the two new residents (man and wife) have double income. Today they insist that I would join them, so I did. It was nice sitting with each other, some other residents joined us aswell. 

"Maybe we could put every weekend 1 Euro 50 together and cook a meal together", said a resident. That's a good idea. While we had our dinner Ricardo came in the kitchen aswell and I hugged him. Being with many people makes Ricardo nerves then he becomes naughty and wants to tease. I knew it will get outta hand after a while, some residents got annoyed so I brought him upstairs after the dinner. Knowing already that I will be the bad man again, and that Ricardo will insult me on our way didn't do much to me, he's been naughty recently. Almost upstairs he tried to punch me, but I stopped him just in time, "Stop!" I told him and brought him further in his room. I spoke to his Dad for a while and went downstairs, turned on the laptop and made me a nice cuppa tea. 

Another day had ended, I totally forgot to show Ricardo the new schedule, ah! Tomorrow will do too. Here's a little peek.....


R's schedule.


Monday: is a working day for Sjon. No spending time.  (Insert sad face)  *
Tuesday: is a working day for Sjon. No spending time.  (Insert sad face) *
Wednesday: is Sjon's day off. 2 hours I will spend. (Insert happy face) *
Thursday: is a working day for Sjon. No spending time.  (Insert sad face) *
Friday: is Sjon's day off. 2 hours I will spend. (insert happy face)  *
Saturday: Weekend! 2 hours I will spend. (insert happy face) *
Sunday: Weekend! 1 hour I will spend. (Insert happy face) *

* Time is flexible.


Now these hours may look like much but I assure you they are lots less then I spent time with Ricardo in the past. See you tomorrow bloggers and readers, love ya"ll!

Into each life some rain must fall, some days must be dark and dreary.

"Into each life some rain must fall, some days must be dark and dreary."


Rainy weekend ahead of us, it's Friday eve' and almost 9:00 pm when I'm writting this post, and it's already raining. We need the rain and it's fine with me, laptop infront of me and on my right side a hot cuppa coffee. I'm all good tonight, most of the grocery for the comming week is inside my room. Tomorrow I will do the rest, it's just a little bit what I still need. I did the laundry this morning early, but the dryer was broken I noticed later. I shuffed it all in the dryer, pushed some buttons and walked away. Usually I let the dryer spin twice, but after two times spinning my clothes were still wet. I decided to take the drying-rack and putted in my room, and hang my clothing. I could have left the rack there by the dryer and hang my clothing but sometimes it's possible that some of the clothing can be stolen, insane I know, but it happens. 


So here I am writting this post with behind me the drying-rack full of clothing, it's all fine with me. It's all safe here, better to take no risk. Were getting storm this weekend the forecast pronounced, we just will see, it's very normal to take the Dutch weather forecast not that serious. For the same reason we can all sit outside in the baking sun this weekend, you never know. I didn't do much today, I helped moving some furniture from the second floor to the third floor. Were getting new residents, a family this time. A woman and her 11 year old Daughter they told me, I think I already saw the woman but not the Daughter. I'm sure I will see them these following days. People come and go here at Humanitas, and that's a good thing. I need to go someday too. 


I'm actually working on it, searching online and looking in newspapers, it's about time. Everything else is in order, only a job and a place for my own and I'm done. I will miss it a bit here though, just like the other residents shout sometimes, "I would be so happy when I'm outta here, this is all rubbish, I'm going nuts!" But somehow I'm sure they will miss things here aswell. I have people here where I get along with well, but they won't become good friends, there absolute just not my type. Thinking of it now, makes me consider if I will ever see them again when I live on my own. Who knows, right? Thinking of living on my own again makes me a little bit nerves, but I guess that's normal. It's a next step in my procces, the challenge makes me wanna go for it, but still a bit that anxious feeling. It will all come in time, I'm not scared. 

I should have an appointment last week with me (stand-in) counselor Sandra, (Paula is on vacation) but she got sick. She prolly will return next week Tuesday or Wednesday, I'm looking forward to a next appointment, cause it's been a while. I like to have everything in order, so far it's all good, only a few things I like to have settled. And I could use a little peptalk, that's always good, even when you think it's not needed. Guess who came by today... Yup, Ricardo came into my room cause he had to wait for his Father. He was quit nerves I could tell, cause he had to go to the dentist to pull a tooth. (aaww!) After 15 minutes his Father waited for him outside and Ricardo took off. Nerves! 


After an hour he came back, right away from Dad's car to my room. Ricardo couldn't speak that much and sorry but, it was quit funny how he spoke. Blame the little cotton thing in his mouth for bleeding and how he held his neck stiff, like he had a huge operation, it was so cute! He showed me the pulled tooth aswell, yikes! Sometimes I can't stand blood or things like pulled teeth, But Ricardo was proud of his tooth. He was a bit hectic and I told him to calm down, cause he just got back from the dentist. He wanted to eat dinner with me, but I had to sent him to his Dad. It's nice with him but he has to be aware that he can't be with me 24 hours a day. 


After dinner he came back for a short while, I didn't expect it cause he was mad at me cause of not eating with him. We spend time with each other and I sent him upstairs after an hour, His Dad went to the shop and just got back while we were walking to there room. Ricardo wanted again to come with me to my room, but I had to say no. Enough is just enough, I think a few hours a day is more then enough. He's so difficult when he doesn't wanna leave my room or when I don't wanna spend time with him. It makes me nerves aswell but I have to bee tough on him then, and tell him why I don't wanna spend time with him now or that he has to go to his own room now. So far it's all going fine, it's a good lesson for me aswell, learn to say no and speak up. Even when it's with a child.

"I get up, I fall down. But I just keep dancing!"

"I get up, I fall down. But I just keep dancing!"

A nice day, work was nice, it was busy but it went fine. I'm actually thinking to get me some work in the wood section. Me with a metal background and some welding diploma's? Yeah,why not? It will be a bit tough though in the hay fever season, but still, why not? I think I will ask my Boss up comming Monday what he thinks about it, I think? I will! Alot was going on at work today, there was this argue going on with two workers and the one who started the argue throwed his tools on the floor and left. I'm sure he will be back Monday. Sometimes there acting just like kids, one worker had to go to another section in the factory, moving from his section to another section. He could do the same work, but only to another hall, he refused! I really didn't see the problem why he didn't want to move, but okay.

Sometimes a worker doesn't want to work together with another worker, or a worker doesn't want to this or that kinda work, they then come with really louzy comments. Some workers who work at Reha need guidings in there lifes, like taking care of themselves. They really look healthy and can cope many things, but sometimes they just need that extra little help or that extraa little push. But not all workers are like that at Reha, some workers like me have been out off rotation a long time, they need to get used to that routine again. Early up and get ready for work, go to work and get back that routine. I'm still amazed that I like my work, and like my routine. I had that routine for years while I still had jobs, it was kinda boring after so many years always the same routine, untill I became jobless in 2003.

The first five months was nice being jobless, cause I had my thyroid issues, I became sick and the docters were trying to help me getting my thyroid better. But without succes, my thyroid isn't working anymore, the medication I had then and still have take over the work what a thyroid should do. I will never get a 100% good working (fake) thyroid because of the medication. And that's fine, I'm feeling okay but I just have not much energy, I get tired sooner and faster then other people. After the five months I was getting another routine, a so called 'taking it easy' routine. Cause I really needed to take it easy with things. I had my householdings and I had other things to do, I was pretty sick that time aswell. I learned that I had to write my chores  down what needed to be done and ofcource other things like for example appointments. 

I wrote them all down and spreaded them over the week. "Monday I will do this and then the Tuesday I will be doing that. And on Thursday I can do perhaps that, oh wait! I have a appointment on Thursday! Then I will do that on a Friday." I was pretty serious writting these chores down, it may sound silly, but it really helped. It helped me aswell clear my busy head, like getting things in order, or when you think you have SO much to do, but if you write them all down it didn't even seem so much. After I felt a bit better the writting became a bit less, still now I do some writting sometimes but not as much as then. It can become a pretty mess sometimes in my head, specially now with all the mail and what all has to be arranged. Then it's easy to write my chores or other important things down. 

Further with this wet Thursday, yeah it rained pretty hard this day. It's nice though to watch the rain, and even sometimes to go trough it. Jump on your bike and get wet! Or just walk, you might even dance in the rain. I really gonna do that one day, here in this street where Humanitas stands is a perfect place to dance in the rain like Gene Kelly did in the movie 'Singing in the rain.'  A nice long street with on the left side and aswell right side antique house, or how do you call them. 

I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain. What a glorious feelin' I'm happy again. I'm laughing at clouds so dark up above, The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love, 

Let the stormy clouds chase, Everyone from the place come on with the rain. I've a smile on my face, I walk down the lane, with a happy refrain. Just singin', singin' in the rain. Dancin' in the rain, dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah. I'm happy again! I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain!

Alright I'm drifting of here! After my work I went straight to the free dinner, it took a while till we got served cause the brocoli wasn't ready to eat yet. There were fresh from the store and they had to be cooked, nothing better then fresh food. The brocoli got served with potatoes and a sausage, It was quit a plate full but I finnished it. Ricardo was standing outside on his socks waiting for someone when I arrived at the Humanitas gate, He told me there is this girl comming for his Dad and he had to guide her to her Dad's room. (hmm, sounds a bit...akward) I told him okay, and I hugged him. Then he told me just before I wanted to go inside that he was sorry about yesterday. I went to him again and hugged him again and kissed his head, "It's alright," I told him.

Knowing Ricardo and his behaviour it means alot if he say's sorry to someone. It's actually the third time he said sorry to me, and every time he said it after a day he been naughty or bad to me. Bless him! I really hope there's a bright and nice future ahead of him. I went upstairs and took a shower with the last energy I had left from this day, it felt good and then it was time to do some relaxing with a nice cuppa coffee! When it started to rain again, I thought, "Ah, nice rain, perfect timing, when you don't have to go anywhere." I thought of singing in the rain but I just sung in the shower, maybe next time!

When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion.

"When I do good, I feel good.  When I do bad, I feel bad.  That's my religion."  

The Musquito, Mosquitoes don't see very well, but they zoom in like a heat-seeking missile. In the spherical arrangement of their compound eyes, blind spots separate each eye from the next one. As a result, they can't see you until they are 30 feet (10 meters) away. Even then, they have trouble distinguishing you from any object of similar size and shape. But why was it then last night, when I had the light on and I tried to search him he wasn't there? And when I closed the light he apeared and tried to stab me?


Mosquito adults feed on flower nectar, juices, and decaying matter for flight energy. The larvae are filter feeders of organic particulates. The larval and pupal stages can be found in a variety of aquatic habitats including: discarded containers, tires, temporary woodland pools, tree and crab holes, salt marshes, and irrigation ditches. But what was it doing in my room then? I have no flower nectars, juices, discarded containers, tires, woodland or pools, etc, etc.


Mosquitoes locate bloodhosts by scent, sight and heat. From 100 feet away (30 meters) mosquitoes can smell your scent, especially the carbon dioxide (CO2) you exhale. Biting flies are even better; they can smell their prey from 300 feet (100 meters) away. Because CO2 is present in the atmosphere (plants take in CO2 and give off oxygen), mosquitoes respond to higher-than-normal concentrations, especially when the CO2 is mixed with host-odor. They follow your scent upwind, and can see you at a distance of about 30 feet (10 meters). Damn little bastards!

Yep, just before going to bed I saw 'one,' and ofcource when I wanted to smash it I missed. I decided to stay up a little bit longer, perhaps it might show up again and then he's MINE! Muwhahaha! But you prolly guessed it, he didn't show up, not even when I looked for it, I had the light FULL on. I decided to go to bed at 12:30, it was already late. One more peek at the mosquito to see if he still was there, but nope, knowhere to find. I layed my head down on the pillow grabbed my blanket and covered myself, lights off! On my way to dreamland. And yep! there 'he' was! The mosquito! Damn, I just knew he would show up, I putted my glasses on and started to search. But....  knowhere to find as always, same thing again, back to bed, head on my pillow and under the blanket. lights off!


It took a while this time, but after 15 minutes 'he' showed up again zooming around my head. It was already 2:00 am and I wanted to sleep, the mosquito was knowhere to find, prolly hidding somewhere laughing his butt off. I had a the craziest idea to just sleep with one light on, (I have two lights in my room) that wasn't very comfortable but okay. But the mosquito showed up again after 20 minutes. Sigh, what to do? What to do? I had another crazy idea, very crazy. I just wanted to sleep! I grabbed a little plastic light table what I had in my room , and putted it on the bed above my pillow, it suitted just. I still had some mosquito-nets, but they were just nets with nothing attatched to it.


I hanged the nets over the table and the nets were on the perfect lenght, it covered the whole table and covered around the table. Guess what I was making, LOL! It looked like a hut for my head, me and my crazy ideas! I layed on the bed under the blanket and shoved my head under the little light plastic table and under the musquito-net on my pillow. There I was, laying my head and all covered up I could move my head a half a meter from left to right and up and down, space enough! I must be insane LOL! Maybe the mosquito already bited me and this was the result, me going crazy! But it worked and I slept within ten minutes, it was already 2:30 am. It was about time.
 

When I woke up I nearly bummed my head under the table, I still reminded what happened last night so I wasn't suprised what the little table did on my bed all covered in mosquito-nets. Rise and shine, well I rised but the shinning part hmm, I could use a nap, and that's what I did today. I didn't do much this Wednesday, I planned to go out for a little while to another city, just for a hour or two in the afternoon. Hidding for Ricardo? Uhmm, yes and no, but later on I decided that I will take him with me.... Or not? It was difficult to make a decision, I had a appointment aswell at 3:30, and Ricardo was comming back at 12:30. That would gave us atleast an hour and a bit more to spend time in that other city. But then again, I bet Ricardo wanted to come to the 'free'dinner aswell, then I realized that I will spend another whole afternoon with him,and perhaps an hour in the evening before he goes to bed.


I didn't want that, it sure will ask to much energy for me, cause of Ricardo's sometimes difficulties. But anyway, I decided to take him with me, he was late though and we had to run actually towards the trains, (first he didn't even wanted to go, cause he wanted to go for a bike ride.) He was complaining and shouting so much just before we went out the door that I decided not to take him, and that made him even angrier. He shoutted even more and insulted me and other people, the staff was aware of it and helped me calming him down, After that I went upstairs for a little rest and Ricardo went with his Dad. Pffeewww! It could have been a nice afternoon, but okay, maybe next time. I was aware that a weight fell of my shoulder though, it's sometimes alot of work to please him. 


But Ricardo came back after two hours, just before I wanted to go to the free dinner with two other guys, he asked me if I wanted to eat with him and his Dad. I talked to him first about this afternoon what happend, and that it wasn't nice of him. I know it wouldn't help much all this talking but hopefully one day he will get it, or he gets it already but feels to embarressed to reply. We talked further and I told him that I would like to have a nice dinner with the two other guys first and then maybe we can do something after dinner before he goes to bed. Again he stamped his feet and became angry again, and I told him, "Are you gonna act the same way again like three hours ago? If you do, then I have to take you to you upstairs to your Dad again." He replied nasty and wasn't nice, sigh! I took him upstairs and he wanted to stop me.


We were nearly at his Dad's. When Ricardo was standing on the top of the stairs I still had to take a few steps before I reached the top. Then Ricardo decided to kick me in the stomach, and I felt it. It was pretty hard, and I wasn't suprised he did kick me. He likes to kick and punch when he's mad, but he never kicked or punished me. I took his arm and carried him to his Dad, I told Ricardo that I was done with him for today and tomorrow, and he knew why. I told his Dad what happened and he took care of him. I went downstairs again, putted other clothes on and went to the dinner with the other guys, sigh! Later in the evening I thought about going to Ricardo, to see how he is, but I didn't go. Still I think a bit of him while I write this last piece of this post.


I would like to teach him well, but I need to keep my distance, it's better for him and for me. I must say when I keep my distance of him I feel a bit of a relief, but aswell I miss him a bit. This makes me aware that I like him very much, only if he was a bit more nicer and listens to what I say or what others say, that would be a relief.  Although he kicked me, I can't wait to have a little chat with him again, and afterwards hug him.  Am I silly or what?

"Beng! Ugh! And a Sigh!" Bad day/ Good day!

"Beng! Ugh! And a Sigh!" Bad day/ Good day!

Not expected that it would be such a day, I just carried it and let it all come over me. I  was actually looking forward to this day, and it started out fine, but then suddenly, "Beng!" It hitted me again, in the afternoon I had a huge down moment. It's one of the day's hopefully, I just miss today being in Canada, being with Tasn, Ab, Mary, etc, etc. Doing the daily things I did there, such down moments makes me sad, gives me un-fair feelings and makes me think negative things. Thinking negative about the future, and aswell worries like, will I have a nice house for myself? Is there a nice time ahead of me? Etc, etc. I rather be alone then for a while. It's akward though these feelings, I don't have them everyday, so now and then it happens. Recently I hadn't had one, I thought I was slightly okay, and then. Ugh! It would prolly help to be alone for a bit and cry, let the tears free, but it's not that easy to cry. 

I'm just like my Dad, if he cries you see three or four tears, not cry out loud but just quietly and that's it. I know such down moments are needed sometimes, but it's painfull. There were not much people at work, yeah the boss was there and his co-workers, but where were the others? I was the only worker! Some workers came later and some workers didn't even show up. I made another butler tray, and it went fine although I made a few mistakes, but okay, they can be solved. But oh, these 'down' moments, sorry for the nag, nag and complaining, it's just the way I felt today. I thought to myself, "It's all nice and fine here but, I rather be somewhere else, I don't belong here, I should have stayed in Canada. (I know it is and was  impossible!) What am I doing here? Wasn't I in Canada? It feels unfair that I'm here, this isn't real happening? The further I thought the deeper I sanked. I needed to stop thinking.

Thank God I was at work, so I could do something, working with things, making things, challenging myself to ddo things but without rush and pressure. I had my okay and fun moments aswell today, Some jokes at work were hilarious, and after work I wouldn't be happy I thought that Ricardo came to my door, I didn't look forward to it. I rather was alone for a while and I was alone for a while and the negative thoughts came again, sigh. Then a knock on the door, Ricardo! He was nice to me and told me he loved me and missed me! I hugged him and kissed him on the forehead. It was a nice feeling he missed me and my negative thoughts disapeared. "I'm gonna miss you alot when I'm moving this week," said Ricardo. "I'm gonna miss you more," I told him. Yeah he can be nice awell, but sometimes it won't take long till he has his crazy five minutes again. And they came, so I had to take him upstairs. I wanted to make dinner quietly and without him. Quit difficult to send him upstairs to his Dad, cause he's so attatched to me!

After I sent him to his Dad, he came back three times, sigh! It was alright, I always fall for his 'sorry Sjon's.' Ricardo told me he will come back tomorrow, hmm, I don't know if I will be home or not (accidentily) I will see, I know he can't be always with me, but he seems to be not aware of that. Dinner was nice, I had some potatoes with spinach, and a smoked sausage. I sat with a few others while having my dinner, one guy said, 'We should do this more often this dinning together." I agreed. But for tonight I rather and looked forward to be alone for a while after my dinner, just doing my things and have my down moment, I'm sure tomorrow or perhaps then tomorrow I will be better, ah! Things will go better, everything needs time.

"Another Sunday has almost ended."

"Another Sunday has almost ended."

This second Sunday was a bit the same like yesterday, only the weather was greyer. Today and yesterday I had some 'down' moments, but I can carry them. There not that heavy anymore, it only stings a bit. Sometimes I think to myself, "This feels a bit like a dream, am I really here? Is this really happening? Or, did I really went trough this all?" I'm talking about what I went trough these last six months, and even sometimes the whole 'Canada' adventure. And it was a huge adventure, I surely have no regrets or doubts I went overseas, Oh no!! But sometimes it feels just like a dream, and it all went so fast. When I have my 'down' moments I rather not look at pictures from my time in Canada, otherwise the down moment might get worser. So better not.

I miss the kids, specially the two young ones, Tasn and Ab, bless them, I hope they are well. I don't know what it is with me and kids recently, in Canada I had Tasn and Ab around me, I took care of them and did fun stuff with them, and I loved it! Although they were a pain sometimes, but hey, there kids, what do you expect? And now at Humanitas it's Ricardo, he's attached to me, and I like him too. I like to take care of him when I'm around him or when we go out for a little walk or a bike ride. I like the taking care of, the teaching him well, what's happening? Did I transformed to a Dad, is it perhaps my age, or is it time to be a Dad? Today I spent a few hours with Ricardo and he wasn't so nice, he forgot his adhd medicine. I took him for a bike ride and was prepaired (as always) what could happen. Insults, yelling, everything his way, etc, etc. 

We went quit far with our bikes and it went okay, although alot of curses and insults, but I stayed calm, chin up and ignore. It doesn't help when you give him a big mouth if he's not listening or insults you, it will only get worser. When it not went his way this afternoon he shoutted at me and insulted me alot, I told him that if he goes on like that we will return to our rooms. A few times he went quiet after I said that, but on a certain moment he went to far, and I told him that we will return and I told him why. And I returned, Ricardo was behind me yelling at me, I letted him and ignored him. After five minutes he calmed down, and was trying to give me sorry's, but I wasn't satisfied I wanted a proper sorry. I disliked what he yelled at me this afternoon, it's sure not right for a seven year old. But I'm aware of his sickness, but still.

With such times with Ricardo I rather don't spend time with him, I'm taking my hat of for his Dad how he handles him, cause it's sure not easy. But either way, Ricardo seems to be on his calmest when he's with me. Maybe I got alot of patience, I don't know. Okay another subject, what did I do else this second Sunday? Well, I rested alot, don't know why though, cause where do I have to rest from? I already had three days of rest. Anyway, if the body is asking for it, right? I had two naps today, and they were good. Further I did some cooking and prepaired lunch and breakfast, and that was quit it for today actually. Tomorrow I will be going to work, YES! Funny though that I was such a long time jobless and I was fine with it, but now it's vice verca. I'm happy with it!

"Mom! I'm bored!"

"Mom! I'm bored!"

Don't you just dislike it when your Son or Daughter shouts trough the room, "Mom, I'm bored!" How can kids be bored? They are young! Well okay I was bored sometimes when I was a kid, and my Mom and Dad disliked it too. "Stop nagging!" They  replieded back, "Do something usefull!" Today I'm a bit bored too and I'm not even a kid, there is just nothing much to do on this Sunday. Were celebrathing Pentecost today, and tomorrow, two Sundays. Ugh! I know I shouldn't complain, it will make it only worser. I just gotta think of something to do tomorrow. This day is almost ended while I'm writting this, I rested and went a bit on the computer, playing cityville and frontierville, these games on Facebook I play daily. I recently started to play these both games and I must say it's quit fun. You build your own city in cityville and in frontierville you build your own ranch (I think, LOL) It's alot of work but it's nice. 

Celebrathing Pentecost in Holland is almost the same as Easter. There are markets and second hand markets and aswell music festivals, there's lots to do whole across this country. But it's different in every city or village, one city can have a huge market while the other village has just nothing to do. And ofcource we should not forget what's Pentecost is all about, that's why we go first to the church, usually in the morning. Alot of Dutch people have there own traditions with these days, there are these brunches, or the nice dinner's, or visit the festivals and markets. We celebrate Pentecost in two days, the first day most people go to the church and then have a brunch or in the late afternoon a nice dinner. The second day Dutch people go out. We Dutch people call Pentecost 'Pinksteren,' it's the 50st day after Easter. 

'The biblical narrative of Pentecost is given in the second chapter of the Book of Acts.'

...And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting. And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance. And there were dwelling at Jerusalem Jews, devout men, out of every nation under heaven. Now when this was noised abroad, the multitude came together, and were confounded, because that every man heard them speak in his own language...

I sometimes wonder if the Pentecost will be celebrate everywhere in the world, I guess not. Some countries might, and there are aswell some countries who dont have two celebrathing days like we do. Anyway, it'ss a bit after nine in the evening, and I still hadn't had a nice cuppa coffee, I mean a NICE cuppa coffee. I will make one now, after that it's back to the laptop and enjoy a bit of surfing over the net. The latests news, funny video's, Facebook ofcource, and ofcource cityville and frontierville. There is so much to watch, hopefully some of my followers or the ones who I follow wrote a new post in there blog. Don't feel pushed by me bloggers, it's all upto you.It's always a excitment when I see a new post.

"What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth."

"What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth."

Finally I made the decision to go to the sauna today, it was about time. I have been there five months ago aswell, that was in January. I thought this morning, should I go or not? I even looked online to search for sauna's or spa's in the neighberhood. It's a lot of money, but I remember I said to myself once, "Why should I save my money till I'm old and grey? I live now!" Still I didn't know if I should go or not. It was around 11:30 and I went downstairs to check if someone was making coffee. It was daniel who made the coffee (Daniel is a resident) together with Nicole, she's a staff member. When the coffee was done we took the coffee outside and took a seat in the garden and we chatted. Nicole asked me if I have heard something unusual last night, like a car what drove by and a guy was shouting out of that car. I told her that I heard it yes, and I told her that it wasn't the first time this month. 

I knew aswell who the 'shouting' guy was, it was the new boyfriend of Johannus's ex girlfriend. Yesterday it was Johannus's youngest kid birthday, and ofcource the mother was having it hard not seeing the youngest kid, and that made the ex's newest friend mad, and drove by our building a few times and started to shout and trying to create some havoc. It's such a drama, I wish it wouldn't have happened here this seperation. There's to much gossip around here, it's almost insane. It's like breaking up with a huge audience around those two, everyone wants to know what happened and what's going to happen next. The gossip is floating around the building like crazy. Johannus is telling bad things about his ex-girlfriend, and his ex-girlfriend is telling bad things about Johannus. The accuses and treatments are going from left to right.

When they were still together they were popular here, and had alot of friends. But now cause of all the gossip floating around there all vanished, they dislike Johannus or the ex. It's though now for Johannus cause he's still living at Humanitas, and the ex spread alot of gossip about 'him,' but 'he' does the same. Now there is this childish silly situation going on that I or anyone have to be aware who your talking to at Humanitas or who you spend time with. I spend time with Johannus but aswell with his ex when they were still together. Still I spend time with Johannus and alot with Ricardo, But at this time I have to be aware that I don't spend time with them to much, in other words I have to do it sneaky and trying not to be seen. I'm over reacting perhaps and it sounds childish I know, but I have my social life here aswell with other residents and that's going well too. But these other residents see Johannus and his two kids rather go then stay.

At the moment I think some residents dislike it when I spent time with Ricardo, they say, "You don't have to play or spend time with Ricardo, you have a life too," well I know that, but I like him, and he likes me, we do fun stuff and leave the drama stuff out. Anyway, there is  something going to happen this week with Johannus and his two kids. There going to move! They found a house near Almelo, it's a small village called 'Vroomshoop.' I'm happy for them, it will be so much better them aswell. I'm crossing my fingers for them, and my too's. Even though I will miss 'them' and ofcource I will miss Ricardo alot more, it's better for everyone. Alright back to the sauna...I went, yes! I was excited but I had a slight moment when I thought, "Think of all that money what I'm going to spend now, look what I can buy for all that money!" Ugh, shut up, and enjoy! LOL! 

The weather was nice for the sauna, sunny, nice tempature, not to hot and here and there a grey cloud, perfect! When I arrived in Nijverdal I had to walk a wile, I'm guessing it was a 20 minute walk. I usually go on a Sunday to the sauna, but this time I went on a saturday, just to avoid some people I knew. I didn't wanna bring up all these Canada stories, maybe next time. It was quit busy when  I saw the parking lot at the sauna, bussier then normal. When I went in the boss of the sauna knew me right way, and asked me how I was doing. I told him I was alright and told him what I needed, slippers,bathrobe and a towel. I guess I lost that stuff in Canada. The sauna felt good, I had to get used to the heat again. I didn't spent much money there cause of my low budget, but I had a good time. After three hours I was done, took a shower, putted my clothes on payed and took off again. 

It was 4:30 and the train came in five minutes, I decided to do my last groceries in Almelo instead of Nijverdal, cause I didn't had much time left, otherwise I would miss the train. There was thunder and rain when I arrived in Almelo, but I did my grocery anyway I had a nice day, there will be two more Sundays though, were celebrating Pentecost. (Thank you Wikipedia) Pentecost is one of the prominent feasts in the Christian liturgical year commemorating the descent of the Holy Spirit upon the disciples of Christ after the Resurrection. Thank you Wikipedia again)

Being a homeless person is not a crime.

"Being Homeless is not a crime."

All residents here at Humanitas are homeless, uhm, well, they have a roof over there head and they have a place to stay, but it's still not there own roof. There is a difference between Homeless people and homeless people, there are homeless people  who live on the street. I still remember when I was talking with my first counselor while I was just back from Canada, he and I were confirming with Humanitas then. I knew slightly about Humanitas, but I didn't know what to expect. Yeah, homeless people, perhaps junks, thiefs, bad people etc, etc. It frighten me a bit,  specially the homeless people, I had already a picture in my head, bad clothing, long beards and smelling bad, yuk! My first step into Humanitas I expected a dump and bad looking people, but I was suprised what kinda people lived here. They were all kind and they just looked like you and me, just normal people. 

It suprised me how fast it can go when you have no money to pay things,  I was so lucky that Humanitas took me, otherwise I who'd have lived on the street. Can you imagine? I couldn't! Me living on the street? Are you kidding me? Aswell my first counselor talked about it, "What are you going to do when Humanitas doesn't take you, did you thought about living on the street?"  And he was serious! It might sounded like a joke but he wasn't joking. When I thought about it then I had to swallow a few times and take a few time a deep breath. When I think about it now, I can say I was vey lucky!


While being here you hear all kind of stories of the residents, how they lived there lives before Humanitas and how they came here. I can compare with a few of them. The 'girlfriend broke up with me' story you hear alot here,  but you here aswell other stories. The 'being poor' story
is a good one too here. When your living your life well, even when you have it though but still have your home and perhaps your parents, or perhaps your Family, you don't think of being homeless or homeless people. You might have red about homeless people or perhaps saw it on TV, just like I saw it on TV and red about it. It's different when you see it in real life, or you hear there stories.

Next to the Humanitas building there is a little place for other homeless people, these homeless people live on the street. They come in the morning for a breakfast and a coffee or a tea, and then they have to go, back to the street. In the evening they can come back for a sleep in one of the rooms. It's all a choice what they can do, they don't have to sleep there or they don't have to eat there. Some of the homeless people have a breakfast there and they leave and there not comming back untill the next breakfast. And some don't even come cause they are use to there life living on the street, that's hard to imagine but it is like that. We have a resident living here at Humanitas and he lived his life for more then 20 years on the street. He still isn't  able to do his daily things, like making a coffee in the morning or talk and communicate with other residents, or perhaps cleaning his own belongings. He just doesn't know this, cause he never had too.

It's sometimes amazing to hear such people talk about there lifes, I see such people alot with the free dinner. They sleep outside, and live on the street in the daytime. Sometimes they look so normal, ofcource you regonize them with the tons of packed bags, all there belongings stuffed in it. Sometimes on there bikes and sometimes just walking. It amazes me how easy they take there situation and just don't complain about little things. It makes me think aswell, also it makes you realize that others or myself shouldn't complain too. I don't need much to live a happy life, but I realized that you can't do without money. I don't have to be rich, but just to come around that's enough for me.

This day was good, not much news, but okay. I had a long nap! Woohoo, I slept more then two and a half hours. I did my grocery early in the morning, so I could have my (long) nap in the afternoon. Ofcource Ricardo came along after school, his Dad was gone for a little while and was worried, I sat with him and calmed him. After calming him his Dad arrived in ten minutes, he brought Ricardo's little brother home from school. Ricardo's little brother has turned 3 today, it's his Birthday. 

Ricardo made something for him at school and I bought a little thing too, but it wasn't enough. Ricardo wanted to buy one thing more and I had to come. (ofcource) I was prepaired, I just woke up from my long nap. I was suprised that this time Ricardo didn't thought about himself but now he thought about his little brother. Way to go Ricardo!

A busy day with lots of people...

A busy day with lots of people... 

Thursday, working day. It was a nice day at work but I had slightly a headache. I knew where it came from though, it's still a bit the cold that I have. The coughing is over, but my head and nose are full of slime what has to come out. A steam bath seems a good plan and some paracetamol will help too, it has been more then ten day now, and so far I used only nose spray. They say when you use nose spray to long the sympthons might return, and even worser. I'm using it less now, I use it only in the evening for the breathing at night. I just took a paracetamol and will try the steam bath tomorrow, let's see what it does. It's comming loose but it's not enough.

Today I finally had the meeting with a second lady from Gak, (the company who gives me my monthly money) As you maybe know this meeting was about re- intergration, to see what options there are for me for re-intergration. Now I'm already in the middle of  a re-intergration project with Reha, (the factory where I work) The funny thing about this re-intergration project is that I'm doing this project aswell with a lady from Gak, she leads me trough this project and tries to find proper jobs for me. And now this other lady from Gak wanted to invite me too see what options there are for me for re-intergration. Do these ladies not work with each other at the same company? Is there a missunderstanding? I don't know. But okay, today I had the meeting, first I didn't wanna go, I rather had the meeting trough the phone. My head hurted and it was quit  a ride with the bike.

I asked my Boss if I should go or not, just before I had to go to the meeting, " Let me call her and see what she says," the Boss told me. At the end of the phonecall my Boss told me that it was better to go to the meeting the lady was telling her, so I went. I arrived five minutes to soon, I was on time. The lady who wanted to speak to me was nice and wanted to know everything about Reha and the project, she knew already a bit about what I was doing, and it suprised me. The lady spoke already with my project leader before the meeting. She only wanted to confirm with me about Reha, if I liked it there, and how far the project was. Plus she wanted to know what I wanted after Reha, and how I was doing and feeling at the moment. It was a nice conversation and I was happy the way the conversation went.

I told her about what I would like and that I have a good time at Reha, there helping me well. I told her aswell what I'm able of at the moment with work, the three days in the week at work are fine at the moment, but I need my rest aswell, I rest alot in the weekend cause it's needed. My body is asking for it, I can feel that very well. I told her that in the end of this re-intergration project I would like to have a proper job, a job where I can stay, and earn money. Not a job where I will work a few days or a few weeks and then exit. I liked the way I talked, I was clear with things I was assertive and friendly. Gak is not Reha, Reha takes his time, Gak is hasty with things, re-intergration, and then work right away, time is money. Gak would rather see you work then being sick, no matter how sick or what kinda disease you have.

If your in a wheel chair for example you can do sitting work or perhaps an office job. You can say Gak is tough, but that can be good aswell in some kinda situations. But not always, there is a line, Gak doesn't see that line sometimes, Gak can be a pain. I thanked the lady for the conversation, and she tanked me. And back to work I went, I felt good. At work I had a phonecall from Paula, she asked me how the meeting went, nice of her. I told her about how it went, in the end of the conversation she wished me good luck these three weeks. Paula is going on vacation for three weeks, I will have another counselor while Paula is having her vacation. There's not much to do though, it's waiting for mail and e-mails. Waiting for the money what will be send to me, and waiting for the e-mails from Enschede and Hengelo (The city corporations) 

I lost my pass word for the sites these corporations have, so I can look online for houses. Yeah, I really need to start with searching for houses. It would be nice when Paula comes back from her three week vacation that I have found something, fingers crossed, I believe in myself! Today I had again the free dinner, Yum!! When I got back there was no Ricardo waiting for me, I had a little rest and took a shower. Then on the laptop with a nice coffee. Today aswell I had a short 'Canada thought' moment, I thought about how Saf and I did things together, a good example was going to karaoke, or do go out with the family. Kids in the backseat, food and toys packed, and there we went. The thought of that made me kinda miss these outs what we had, even going together to the store. Ah! I will treasure these moments. Even with the meeting with the Gak lady, I had a quiet moment, while she asked me about being in Canada. They were good times, and I wont forget them, even if it hurts a bit.

"Your doing to good, I have to re-write your rapport."

 "Your doing to good, I have to re-write your rapport."

I had such a good sleep last night, much better then the last couple of nights. It was sure needed, I even slept longer then I use to did. Still a bit a bit the cold what bothered me,(geesh, how much slime do I have in my head?) but okay.The wednesday was good, There is this woman at Humanitas who is my project leader, she's not my counselor cause that's Linda. My project leader is Mellisa, she's following me and write the things down what I'm doing. What I achieved so far, what things has changed while I'm here, positive and negative things. Mellisa writes every two months a rapport, today it was the time for my second rapport. She sat down with me in the office and told me that this rapport was short and that's a good thing. Mellisa had never wrote such a rapport. 

Cause everything goes so well. I red the rapport to with her, cause it needs a signature, I need to confirm this rapport. Now at the moment I and Humanitas have slightly a little problem about living on my own,cause when someone is doing well at Humanitas he or she has to go and leave, they might send you to go rent a room. This does not decide Humanitas, but the Municipality of the city Almelo. This Municipality wants to save money, when you have a room at Humanitas that does not only cost Humanitas money but aswell the Munuicpality. Now to save money they would like to see me move, but my counselor and my project leader at Humanitas wants to do everything to let me stay here and search for a proper house instead of go living in rented rooms. That would mean I'm going to move from room to another room, I rather have a house for myself. The staff confirmed with me that that would be much better for me.

Now this rapport what Mellisa and I just saw has to be changed a bit because it sounds that I'm doing to well, it sounds I'm fine and I'm very capable to take care of myself.That sounds very good and positive, and I'm happy what I all have achieved but if the Municipality sees this, then I have to go live somewhere  right away. Mellisa asked me or actualy adviced me that we both have to change this rapport a bit to make it look that I still need a bit of help, and that I still need time to achieve things. Mellisa and my counselor are gonna inform this too to my counselor in Nijverdal, my old town where I use to live. This counselor knows me well, and knows a bit of what my problems are, not from only now but aswell from the past. I have trust in this and faith, this means that Humanitas wants to have only the best for me. 

Ricardo made this at school for me.

 I'm doing well, I'm going uphill and I want to continue going uphill.The rapport about me will be re-written, cause I'm doing to good, LOL! Sounds ackward rigt? This day was good, I was tired though but I had my rest. After 12:30 Ricardo knocked on my door, I sat with him for five minutes. I told him that he can come back at 3:00, I needed a nap first. He made something for me at school,  (See picture) that was nice of him. I had my nap and at 3:00 Ricardo and I took off for some grocery shopping, and then later on the free dinner. His dad had to go somewhere else, I had to watch him for a few hours. That's okay.

He's nice and calmer when he's with me, but if other residents are with him he goes wild and hectic, naughty. We took of for the free dinner and some other residents joined us, Now you can guess what happened, he didn't listen to me that much while we were biking our way to the dinner. he biked anywhere where I didn't want him, I wanted him next to me so I could watch him. I had his key from the bike lock and when he arrived at the dinner much sooner then me, he asked for the key. I putted  him on his knees and let him tell me he was sorry for not listening, and that he ask polite with a please for the bike lock key. No worries, we both laughed in the end.Later I explained him why I was mad at him, I hope he got the message.

I just wish that he would just listen more often, I asked and told him this so many times. Anyway, I guess Ricardo wont be that long here anymore, cause his Dad found a house, that's why he had to go for a while. It's a rent house but he nearly can pay the rent. He's gonna ask now for rent-allowance, I hope Johannus gets the house. It's so much better for all of them. I promised I will visit him so now and then, Although Ricardo can be a pain sometimes I will miss him! I guess it's normal with Humanitas residents, people come and go.

"And there asking me?" Wow!

"And there asking me?"  Wow!

Again a nice day at work (will it ever change? LOL!) We had a new worker among us, another new commer from Humanitas. He liked to work outside, so that's what he did. Our garden at Reha really needed fixing and cleaning, he did a good job so far. He works half days first, just to see how it goes. It's the normal procedure, I had it too. The work I'm doing is going well, the things I have to make is getting easier and easier, and that's gives a nice feeling. The day was exhausting though, I felt tired and still feel tired. I didn't sleepwell the last few nights, my nose is full of slime from the cold, that gives me a hard time to breath trough the nose.

I use nosespray but it doesn't help that much, but I keep using it though. Perhaps I will look around for something else a bit more cause I need my sleep. After the work I saw Ricardo and his little brother playing in the garden with Johannus's counselor. Ricardo ran to me and hugged me, nice! Although it was nice the hugging, there were being naughty and not listening. Ricardo and his little brother haven been plucking berries from a tree in the garden, and the counselor replied many times not to do that, but naaah, not listening. The counselor was sure not amused, I know the counselor and he's a layed back guy, always calm in his doings and sayings.

I saw the angry look on his face when the kids still plucked the berries, he commanded them but the kids thought he was joking and thought it was a playing game. The counselor told me, "If they were my kids, oh dear!" I heard this saying many times from other residents, You need to be patience with them or get them on there weak spot, (for sure not hitting them ofcource!) Like, "Oh you don't wanna listen? Then your not comming tomorrow," or, "Then your not getting what you asked for today." And let them tell "Sorry," to you. I saw enough of the berries plucking and went to my room, and waited to Ricardo to follow me, but he didn't, the counselor stopped him. Thank god, cause I was tired and sleepy.

And it was nearly time for the meeting, I still had an hour though, so, I decided to have a little rest. After my rest I took a shower and layed down again ,I still had 10 minutes. Just before the meeting Ricardo knocked on my door, he asked me to eat with him and his Father, he missed me, (aaww!) I had to refuse him though cause I wanted to be with the meeting in 5 minutes, I hugged him and talked with him for a while. He didn't like that I go to the meeting, but okay, he will get over it. The meeting started of nice, the staff members commented nicely on my 'Papa Smurf' shirt LOL! First we ated dinner together, goulashsoup/ chickensoup, fruit and bread. Then the meeting started, and it was nice and comfy. Much better then the last meeting we had.

The points we talked about wasn't new in my eyes though, were getting new post/mail boxes, washmachines will be fixed, ofcource the cleaning part came up again, nag, nag, nag, it's always the same, nagging about it but never a solution. I gave up on the nagging, when I see something dirty and it bothers me I will clean it. Ricardo came a few times in the meeting room to see me, he joined us a few times to have some fruit and two times a soup. He was being naughty aswell and not listening. It disturebed a few times the conversations, sigh Ricardo's Dad should have kept a eye on him.

After the meeting Ricardo went on being naughty, and I decided to go to his Dad to take him upstairs. Ricardo ran after me and insulted me a few times, and told me to stop walking. It was his adhd time again, I opened the door and his Dad told Ricardo to stop and gave him some good lesson. Ricardo deserved the shouttings from his Dad, "I will put the little one to bed, and you go right after him," yelled his Dad. After a little while Johannus talked to me about his ex and child custody, it was an important day for him. He told me 'he' will get the kids for now child custody decided. Upcomming Friday Johannus's ex will come to have a look at her kids for two hours, child custody will be there too.

And now this...... Johannus told me that child custody and Humanitas are gonna ask me to to have a chat about Johannus and his ex. I was kinda shocked as you can imagine, I so don't want to stand in between, I asked Johannus why, and what do I have to do there and say. My name has been fallen a few times with conversations between child custody, Johannus, and his ex, only that I spent so now and then time with Ricardo, and because I spent time aswell with Johannus and his ex. This little chat with Child custody and Johannus is NOT that I have to decide what to do with them or that I have to decide where the kids better go too. The chat will be about Johannus and his ex, what do I think of them. Telling my opinion about them. I just don't know.

I thought about it, and I decided to say 'No." Cause I don't want to stand between even if this chat seems so harmless. The kids might go to the Dad or the ex, and then I might be the bad man. Even if this chat isn't  about the decision. Although I have sligty doubts to join the little chat, maybe now I can say that Ricardo is seeing me to much and that he is sometimes to much for me. But naah, I'm not joining, perhaps Humanitas is gonna ask me this week if I want to join them or not, Then I will tell them everything I wanted about Ricardo, positive things and yeah, negative things, Ricardo needs a good place to stay, it's nothing for him to let him stay here. He needs a good inviroment where he can play with kids of his age.