Sometimes someone says something really small, and it just fits right into this empty place in your heart.

"Sometimes someone says something really small, and it just fits right into this empty place in your heart."

Is caring to much about another really to much? Without bragging about myself I would like to say that I care a bit to much, I just can't see a friend or collega or whatever suffer. Or better, I can't see people cry, I will get weak and I want to take care of them. This can stress myself out if it's getting to much, the involving is getting to much for me then. Why am I writting about this? The last two weeks alot happend here at Humanitas, divorce problems, a friendship/relationship died, residents were leaving cause they had to or they wanted to. It was all here, at the moment I can all handle this very well, but yeah, it does something to me aswell. It touches me, but I'm not complaining. I'm good and if I can help or take care I will, but there is a line ofcource. If it's really getting to much then I take a few steps back. At the moment I feel bad for Ina and her divorce problems, now it's not that I feel sorry or pity for everyone who has divorce problems, but the people who are close to me, yeah. 

It's not only the divorce problems Ina deals with but other things aswell, Daniel has been suffering for a week cause of a realtion problem with Ina, and now he has left for a 'time out.' Ina feels or thinks that it's her fault and feels guilty, plus the divorce problems  she and her ex have and the ex being a pain does her not well. Ina and her ex have two kids and there standing in the middle off the two divorced parents. Problems like this is quit normal these days, Ina is sure not the only one, I'm aware of that. But seeing her so many times cry breaks me so now and then, I don't want to get involved and I surely wont get involved. Again I know where my line is, cause I have to think of myself aswell. Offcource. But, I would like to cheer her up, and I will. If she needs a hug or a crying shoulder I will be there, sometimes I give her advice or listen so now and then to her stories if it makes her feel better. I like to make her laugh or cheer her up, cause I can't see her cry, she doesn't deserve this. I dislike crying! 

Bloodwork~


This morning after my appointment I went over to the hospital to do some bloodwork, and this time it went much easier then last time. I knew the way, and the waiting room wasn't packed for a change. There were only three people, only this time the needle hurted a bit more then the last time. I guess every nurse has a different way to take blood, now it's five days to wait for the results, I'm curious. The appointment with Paula went well, she was a bit in a hurry but that was okay cause I was too, I wanted to get the blood done. There wasn't much to talk about cause everything is going well, "Go out a bit more, you deserve it and you have the money for it," said Paula. I'm on my hood a bit for my money, funny though, now that I have more money I'm being more easier with it. Prolly a good thing, right? 

These comming days I have two appointments comming up, one with Paula, I had to make a list what I all need when I'm going to live on my own. Furniture, fridge, couch, bed, etc, etc, Paula and I will have a look at the list I made. The next appointment is with Sandra, we will be looking at houses online and react on them. Were going to look at houses in Enschede, Sandra lives in Enschede, so that's handy. Paula told me that Sandra lives in Enschede, so Paula told me to make an appointment one day with Sandra to have a look at houses, and so I did. It's going smoothly around here, there's a nice atmosphere. Although all that I need to get used or better prepair myself to be living on my own. Like taking care of my bussines/paperwork, making phonecalls, see what there is needed to be on my own again or what I need to get used to. I'm not worried.

"Hello Sjon-shine."

"Hello Sjon-shine."

I elt a bit better then yesterday, yesterday I felt tired and heavy on my chest. I was thinking of my thyroid, of the blood results. Tomorrow I will check my blood again, but first an early appointment with Paula. Afterwards I will rush calm towards the hospital, I know the way now. I wonder what the results will be now, last time the hospital made a (typing) mistake according to the Doctor's assistant. According to the results I should be dead sick, but I feel okay and not sick. But yesterday I felt a bit 'hmm,' I had doubts cause I felt tired and not as tired as usual. Wi'll see what happens after the blood results.

The resident who was missing yesterday, (Daniel) has left now. But I think just for a while, cause all his stuff is still in his room. Maybe Daniel will pick his stuff up later this week or he just comes back and stays then. Maybe he just needs to get out here for a week to get some rest and see other people. I hope the last one, I didn't say goodbye yet to him cause I worked the whole day.

The furniture I make at work is wanted at humanitas, some of the residents want to order some of the things I make but for 'free.' I'm working on a two sitter for my neighbor and it's almost done, my Boss is okay with this aslong I use the old wood, (wood what actually can go) it looks pretty good though. The next few things I make are two wooden food bins for dogs, and two butler trays. If I have spare time at work, I make such things. Can you tell I like it?


I'm not having luck yet in finding a house, you need some luck aswell. But I keep on searching, I'm not giving up. I'm not the only one here in this building searching for houses. It sure ain't easy. I'm feeling okay at this moment, I'm getting along well with most of the residents. Work iss going great, I learn(ed) so many things. Only a bit more money would be welcome, when I wil be living on my own I can almost come around with the money. I have to ask for some extra money then. Humanitas is looking out for my money, but I have to do that alone when I have found a house. That's one of the things I have to get used to again. I'm not worried.

"Daniel where are/were you?"

"Daniel where are/were you?" 

A little bit of a panice situation today at Humanitas, a resident who I get along with quit well was missing. It's not really my thing to gossip, but there are a few things that is needed to be known. The resident who was missing was Daniel, Daniel is a guy who I get along with well, we even went out a few times. Playing biljart or just went for a walk, he was also the guy who was trying easy to hook me up with Ina. But the tide turned, Daniel got allong well with Ina, and Ina with Daniel. They were getting buddies, soulmates, and eventually fell in love. Although Daniel is ten years younger and Ina wasn't ready for a relationship, it didn't matter. Falling in love happens, I been there too. By the time I got over my thoughts or (perhaps) feelings towards Ina it seemed it was Daniel's turn.

They both went out a few times, and had  a jolly good time, they were both happy. They even ended up both in, *insert x-rated, yeah, there. Daniel told me this and I was suprised. All well, a week later they went out again to a pub, Ina ended up on the dancefloor, cause she saw an old schoolmate and they danced for almost an hour. Daniel told Ina that he is going back, cause he was tired, and felt bored. (Right) The next morning Daniel found out that Ina spent the night with the old schoolfriend from last night, Ina told Daniel this cause she felt bad. "I spent the night with him, cause I wasn't able to go home I was to drunk. But nothing happend though." Told Ina. Hmm. The next day Ina confessed that she had *insert x-rated with the old school friend and Daniel collapsed. 


The lies and the cheating were to much for Daniel, and Ina felt sorry big time. Daniel locked him self up in his room for three days, after the three days he visited or tried to visit his friends, but was afraid to face Ina. He tried it but he was rather in his room. Alot of gossip was going around and Ina was the bad girl according to Humanitas, so I heard. Daniel visited me aswell a few times and the first time he told me the whole story, "I need to get out of here, I can't face her anymore," said Daniel. I told him that he should go out for a week and see his Family, it will do him good. "I'm leaving up-comming Monday," he replied. The second time he came he asked me to make him a sandwich, it was a pleasure to make him one. "I will see you Monday evening when I pack my bags and leave," he said. It will do him good. 


And the next day while I was working I heard from a worker who also is a resident from Humanitas that he disapeared, the police was searching trough his room and aswell was searching for him. I was a bit worried but, I knew aswell that I could count on him that I would see Daniel tonight. Comming home from work, I saw Ina crying (No wonder) and a few were residents worried. It worried me too a bit but still I knew I could count on him. Later on the evening another resident had got a message that Daniel was safe and sound, he was at the
'night care' from Humanitas, the night care is a place right beside Humanitas where you can not stay trough the day, but only can spend the night. Daniel took of almost a whole day without giving a note to the staff, and that's not allowed. The staff needs tom know where you are for safety.


Daniel will go to a hospital perhaps, (if there is a place for him) for a hospitalization. He's not able to think straight anymore, it may sounds hard but I'm sure it will do him good. If he had stayed here at Humanitas he would go nuts, he's in good hands at the hospital, seeing other people and people who take good care of him. If he's able to have visits I will surely visit him. Take good care of yourself Buddy, I count on you!

Sunday...

Sunday...

Another day, another post. But there's not much to write about this day, I'm resting alot and visit my friendly neighbors so now and then. It seems everyone is tired, me included. I had two naps today, and that will do it, otherwise I won't sleep tonight. Me and my neighbors sit quit often with each other, we have a coffee together and sometimes we eat together. A few days ago I came up with the idea of playing a game called "Things," back in Canada we played this game quit often. It's hilarious and fun to play, the only thing is I had to translate the English questions into Dutch.

So, what's "Things" you ask? 


The Game of "Things" is the hilarious new party game that presents players with provocative topics like "Things people do when no one is looking", "Things you wouldn’t do for a million dollars" or "Things your parents forgot to tell you." Things allows each player to say whatever comes to mind. Pick a topic, get everyone to write a response, read them out loud and then guess who said what. There are no right answers. There are no wrong answers, just a lot of fun. You won’t believe the Things you’ll hear.

 I searched for the "Things" questions online, there weren't that many. But I found enough I guess, I translated them all and wrote them down on a little memo card. I and a few neighbors played the game already a few times, and I must say they have to get used to it. It's a bit different when Dutch players play thisn game, I don't know. Perhaps we don't have the same humor Canadians or Americans have, who knows. For example, I asked the question, "What kinda thing you never should swallow," ofcource the sexual replies came like crazy. That was funny but aswell a bit lame, now when 'we' played the game, (Saf and our friends) we would give the same sexual replies but 'we' would give a certain twist on it to make it even more hilariouser. 

I think I will think of more questions and translate them though, cause we were done with the game in less then 20 minutes.Lots of work but that's okay, it sure should be funnier if we play this game more often. For tonight I think it will be an early night, early to bed and early to rise. Working tomorow, yeah, you know already that I look forward to working days. Three days weekend is long enough, have a good night ya"ll!

"A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend."

A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend."

My mobile phone (cell phone) wasn't working well according to the ING help desk, and they were right. Me and Paula called them this morning, if I want to do banking online I need a (working) cell phone.  If I need to make money over I can do that trough my phone, or something like that. I have something against cell phones, I don't know. There difficult and I don't like calling with them, maybe it's the size. (I can hardly hear conversations trough it) Maybe I should just spent a day with my new cellphone and try to work or call with it. Ugh, to the new technology sometimes, lol! I rather have a normal phone with a wire, and still then I feel a barrier to talk trough the phone. I don't know what it is, it's the un-comfy feeling what I get talking trough phones.

I should talk more often trough phones I guess, to get used to it. A few weeks ago I bought a new cell phone, but most of the days it's turned off, the phone needs to be activated to work properly. Sometimes when Paula and I have to call someone in our appointments then ususally Paula calls, but sometimes she suprises me when she dial's the number and suddenly puts the cellphone or phone in my hand, eek! Actually she should do that more often. This morning in 'our' appointment we made a next plan for this month, every month Paula and I make a month-plan. The month-plan has goals that I need/want/have to achieve for the up comming month, it's a good thing and it reminds me aswell what I still need to do. The month-plan for this month has the next goals....

-The bloodwork has to be done over, cause there might have been a mistake the first time I took blood last week. -Repairing my cellphone, it needs to work properly for online banking. -Searching for houses. (rent) -Making a appointment with St. Joseph (Housing-corporation) for urgenty. -Making a Words file with what I need to live on my own, furniture, dish, ectcetera, ectcetera. And that's about it for this month, I always manage to achieve the goals. Sometimes it amazes me. This Saturday was quiet, the atmosphere from yesterday seems to be calmed down. Daniel is leaving though this comming Monday, he really had enough off all this. He toldme he will be moving in with his Nephew. I'm gonna miss him, he has been trough alot the last few weeks.

Paula and I had a little conversation about the difficult atmosphere from last week this morning, "There's always a reason why people have to leave, and there's always a reason why were not that nice towards the residents," said Paula. "And there will always be complains, no matter how hard we work to get things better," she continued. I agreed with her, I also sometimes complain but I know aswell that the 'staff'here works hard to get things better and right. Complaining wont work, I'm already glad that I have a roof over my head, that I can cook for myself, that I can copy with my money, and that I have nice work. And in the back of my head I will always think that it can only get better from now here on.

Split Enz - Message To My Girl (1984)

"Gossip and bloodwork."

"Gossip and bloodwork." 

The atmosphere isn't that good under the residents lately, they don't like how the staff handles them. There is so much personal things going on at the moment under the residents, it's time to be on my hood for a whileof better to back of a bit. It's a well known fact that the residents here complain alot, the last few weeks it's going nuts. So nuts that I just don't believe what I hear. What is true? And should I believe what they all say? Now I can tell you all what is going on but the list is endless, relationships, arguess, missunderstandings, gossip, etc, etc. Someone said this and that about 'that' person and 'that' person told the staff about it, etc, etc. There sometimes just like little kids. once a week every resident has a meeting with there own (Humanitas) counselor, and ofcource there will be talked, also about other residents, I call it gossip. 

But the counselor writes things down aswell, for example when I talk bad about another resident it will be written down. In the worst scenario ' that' other resident will hear it from 'my' counselor or from 'his' or ' her' counselor. And in the worst case if the situation gets to bad you can pack your bags and leave, no mercy! The last two weeks the gossip and all other personal problems are so bad that five people have to leave. Including Ina, Ina might be send to a 'women's house,' has been told, cause according to Humanitas she wraps every guy here around her finger, (Not true!) Yes, we  kissed and touched on that evening, but I can't  call it wrapping around the finger. She had something with Daniel the last month, they liked each other as best friends, but Daniel wanted more, but Ina said " No." Daniel couldn't take it and feels down, very down! He locked himself up in his room. 

Humanitas saw that and Ina might be send away because of that. Nuts! And confussing aswell. I understand the bad reactions from the residents, but I understand Humanitas aswell. Humanitas heard the gossip from other residents about Ina and she's now the bad girl, I so don't like the gossip. In my eyes the staff here has to talk more to the person who caused the problem, or talk to both sides who caused the problem. And not just write down what 'other' residents say or what ' they' heard and then make a rapport out of it. What did I learn out of this? That you don't talk about other residents personal things, and that you just act normal and be jolly. Cause someone might say something about you and you might get throwen out cause of the gossip by another resident. I learned my lesson today, be easy, be on your hood and be jolly. 


Alright, back to today, for a change it was a dry day today and it was not that cold. Pretty hummit I must say, we call it Dutch weather. First rain then the next day sunny and warm, then the next day rain again. Today I planned something to clean, I felt good and I thought, " Why not?" I have been cleaning some stairs this morning and emptied the garbage bin in the ' green'  kitchen. The stairs were okay, lots of dust and garbage but it went good. The garbage bin was a disaster, they forgot to put a bag in the bin, (like always) lots of food, cans and other garbage. It just needed to be done, I emptied the bin bit by bit with plastic gloves and putted the garbage in another garbagebag. Cleaned the bin afterwards with all-cleaner and letted it dry. Later on a new bag in the bin and done. 


I finnished alot of things today what I had listed on a little paper, I asked the staff if they send the 600 Euro already (for my new laptop) on my ING account, they forgot, ugh! So they did that today. I sent an e-mail to a housing corporation in Almelo, me and Paula want to ask for urgenty (If you ask for urgenty you will get on a list with people who need to have an house urgent) In the first place this corporation said no, but Paula and me want to try it again. Next thing I went was to the doctor's for my blood results. (I did bloodwork last Friday for my thyroid) The doctor's assistant told me that my results are not that okay, speaking in medical terms, my TSH is good but the FT4 wasn't good. The FT4 was to high, meaning my 'fake' thyroid was working to low/ not responding well. 


Allthough this the doctor's assistant was suprised to see me in this condition. She saw that I felt good, and I felt good. According to the results I should have been pretty sick, for example my eating appetite must be low. But I feel good, the doctor's assistant told me that there must have been a mistake sending the blood results from the hospital to my doctor. Perhaps a typing mistake, best thing I could do was take again some blood and wait again for the blood results. Next week I will, I know the way now where to go. My doctor is going on vacation though starting next week so I have to call another doctor for the results, that's alright. They forspelled a rainy day again tomorrow, I still need to do some grocery and then I'm done for this week. I'm looking forward for tomorrow's appointment with Paula, it's always a pleasure talking to her.

"Feeling good on a rainy day."

"Feeling good on a rainy day."

Rain, rain,rain, rain, rain, rain, rain,rain, rain, rain, rain, rain,rain, rain, rain, rain, rain,rain, rain, rain, rain, rain,rain, rain, rain, rain, rain,rain, rain, rain, and lots of strong wind. The weatherforecast said this weather is good for our farmers in our country, I bet it is cause the rain was very needed. I like the rain, I can look at it for hours with a cuppa hot chocolate with some cream on it. My neighbor offered me a cuppa hot chocolate with two much cream on it, nice of her. I had a very nice day today at work, I finnished two wooden as-trays. The first one was almost screwed up two days ago by my Boss, but I fixed the sawing top this morning and afterwards I made another one. The second one was much easier to build. Today my Boss invited me for a talk in his office, (eek!) just a regular talk though about how things are going now and what he thinks of me. He writes every month a rapport of me like he also does with the other workers.

My rapport was good, but here and there he had some min points. I didn't agree with some off the  min points though, the Boss told me that I have to think to much or to long while I'm working, aswell I don't see the things sometimes what has the 'finnishing touch' on a product. Now my Boss wasn't mad or angry with these min points, but he just wanted to point me on this, and wants me to learn to do it better next time. Yes, I have to think alot while I'm working, and yes, I have to think sometimes (to) long. I sometimes don't remind me things, then I have to do my best to remind me what I have to do or think to myself, "How did I do that the last time?" These thoughts makes me work a bit longer on a product, but I'm still learning aswell, and I like the learning. Hey! I never worked with wood, gimme a break! LOL! I didn't agree with the 'finnishing touch' on a product, I surely have that. But sometimes I feel a pressure while I'm working and then I wanna do it to fast.

I have to learn not to do that, My Dad has the same when he was still working, oblivious we have the same caracters. The brain says, go! go! While the body says no! no! When the Boss and I were talking I had the oppertunity to tell him about his mistakes but, how on earth do you tell your Boss on a nice way he makes mistakes and shoves his mistakes then over to me? I did tell it though, and on a nice way, I told him it in a few examples. I told him a few things what happened the last few weeks while we worked together. I knew my Boss wouldn't get mad or would fire me, lol. I told him about the screwed up as-tray and that I didn't like it what happened. He explained me that I have to be more assertive then next time, he was waiting for my response while he screwed up, and yeah, "Everyone can make mistakes, even me." he admitted. 

It was a nice talk, afterwards I thought, "be more assertive Sjon!" Proof that you can do it, proof that you disagree with your min-points ! A total suprise today at work, Johannus showed up for a a few minutes. Woot! I totally didn't expect him, I thought right away about Ricardo, I asked Johannus if he had 'him' with him. But no! Sigh! I miss seeing him, missing the hugs and the things we did together. "I sure wanna see Ricardo once again," I told Johannus, we still have to do that meeting in his new house, "We sure do," he answered. But he's busy aswell, and he his a new girlfriend. (again) I was kinda shocked though after he told me that his new girlfriend is 47, Johannus is 37. The girlfriend he had before for a little while was 24, "I'm happy with her and the kids love her," told Johannus . He didn't stay long, and I told him again just before he left that we need a meeting soon in his new house. In wanna see Ricardo and give him a hug, Johannus will send me a message.

Working was nice today, like I told already in the beginning of this post, nice working, nice atmosphere, nice music, laughing and joking sometimes. It was all good. Am I happy? Hmm, maybe I can call it satisfied, or shall I just say I'm happy? Are there catagories in being happy? Alright,I'm not 100% happy but 75% happy. That's also good right? Okay I'm ending this post now, there's lots to tell still though, but that can wait till tomorrow....

"After sunshine comes rain."

"After sunshine comes rain."

After two gorgeous days with sunshine and warmth the rain came down last night, and it's cold. The last two days we had 26 degrees Celcius, and now it's only 16 degrees Celcius. It's dry now while I'm writing this but it's grey and still cold. I just woke up from a very nice nap, I slept more then a hour, wow, I actually never sleep so long. I guess it was needed after two days of work, yesterday I was tired, lots of heavy work and a Boss who doesn't/can't corporate does something to me, lol. Today I planned a rest day, doing completely nothing. The nap I just had felt so nice, and did me good. This morning I had a appointment with Paula at 11:00 am, she was busy but she felt good although her pregnancy.We have been looking for houses online, Paula informed me that there were more sites to look for houses.We both found quit a few houses where we both react on, it feels better now for me to look for houses.

First I felt akward and anxcious, I had a bit that 'eek' feeling, but now I'm good, the more choice for houses the better I feel. I had one last question for Paula, I need a new laptop cause this laptop is done. There are to much damages left behind after I cleaned all the viruses on this machine. I can't do updates anymore, it keeps crashing, and it's slow. Now it must be akward to hear that I have to ask for (my) money for a new laptop, well, it does. Let me explain, all my money is staying at this moment on the bank account from Humanitas.When I get my monthly income it goes to Humanitas, when I have to pay a bill I have to ask the secetary of Humanitas to pay this from my money, when I get all other extra money it goes to the account from Humanitas.This may sound weird but it's the way how Humanitas works, they keep an eye on your money so that it stays safe. Every resident here has this.

Most of the residents here can't control there money, they buy alcohol or even worser drugs for it. Some residents have alot of guilts and bills that has to be payed, Humanitas helps them out with that by keeping an eye on there money and if there's enough money in there eyes and the counselor's eye they will pay the bills and guilts together with the resident. Some residents don't like this at all, "It's my money, I can do with it what I want, it's not fair," they shout sometimes. But appearantly they can't, I know a few residents who buy alcohol as soon they have a bit of money, I pity them. I understand there anger though but the way Humanitas works is much better for them. Anyway I had to ask for (my) money for a new needed laptop. First I had doubts to buy it cause it's ofcource not a bit money, but it's really needed. Paula was okay with it, although she told me aswell that it's alot of money.

I can't do without a computer, I have connections on it and I would like to search for houses online without that the computer crashes all the time. And then suddenly Ina stood at my door... She has it very difficult at the moment with her ex, she's not calm and she's not the Ina anymore that I know. Her ex messages her all the time with insults and nagging's, it drives her crazy. I know it's not my bussines but when we all live here together it's sure not easy to keep things for yourself, and ofcource there's always someone wheo would like to have a listening ear. Sometimes it goes automaticly. Ina cried and ofcource I get weak, don't ever cry infront of me or just let a few tears, I will come towards you. Ina has to ignore her ex but she and her ex have two kids....

...Plus they have there personal belongings to take care off though the seperation, they can't ignore each other just like that. But when Ina's ex is such a pain... Ina's ex put aswell the kids in between them.(wrong, I know) I letter her in and putted an arm around her and talked to her, but aswell I kept my distance (cause the last time I putted an arm around her, she shoved it of, and reminding myself that evening when we were both together....yeah, I have to take it easy for myself) I knew what to do and what not to do. I told her to put out the phone for a while and if she needs to call her ex for something then use it, but otherwise, phone out. It's not only her ex what drives her crazy, she told me she has after her seperation eight admirers wanting her and texting her, and being at Humanitas with her 11 year old daughter isn't a pleasure either.

I know from myself that when someone is suffering that it does something to me, I like to take care of them then and be there when it's needed. BUT I learned here a good lesson aswell, I have to keep a certain distance and get not involved to much. Saying it hard, 'It's not my bussines.' But a talk here and there and sometimes a helping hand doesn't harm, I guess, I gotta keep an eye on myself also though. I'm feeling good though the last few weeks, not extremely happy but I'm getting there. I achieved alot of things what I wanted to achieve, and that makes me happy. I have my normal income every month back, work is going well, very well I must say, I'm getting along good with the other residents, (we talk and joke around alot) I so now and then keep in touch with Saf and the kids, that was my goal. No hatred, no arguess and no hard feelings. No more bills to pay, I'm all bill free!

These things I summed up gives me strenght, and makes me feel good. I really like it that Saf and I getting along at the moment, we sure do not email each other every day or every week, that's not needed. But so now and then a mail whenever I feel for it or when she feels for it. And the kids I see them sometimes on Facebook, sometimes here and there a comment or a message. It's all good, nowif you want to excuse me.... it's time to look for houses again. Yay!

"Word spell check online for free."

"Word spell check online for free." 

I need to work on my english more, LOL! Mr. perfectionist wants to write perfect english, while writing in my blog. Sometimes I have problems with some of the english words, then I think I write it the word good, but in the end it's wrong.And Google translate isn't that perfect either.


I caught myself again on mistakes, I wrote writting with two t's instead of with one t.

I use alot the word 'manich,' but it's actually 'manage.' It's just an example how many mistakes I sometimes make while writing, I dislike it. But, I found a solution! There is a free spell checker online, and I'm so gonna use that. No more writing mistakes in my blog, hopefully. P.s. If someone of the readers/followers catch me while I spell or write a word wrong, please gimme a sign, LOL! So far no mistakes yet.

I worked hard today, I worked on two little tables, there for beside the 'huge' corner couch. I worked alone on them with sometimes some help from the second Boss, yes, the second Boss is back for a little while. The second boss helps the other workers when it's needed. He's an old carpenter, so he knows what he is doing, I'm glad he is back. The 'office' Boss was on the office today where he belongs, it was all good. The wood where I worked with was difficult to work with, the wood was all crooked and not right, but I maniched, oops, managed it. I needed alot of tools to get it all right and good. Mission accomplished. 

With one thing I made today I failed, and yeah this time (again) The (office) Boss helped me out. I needed to make a wooden ash tray for outside, see picture. The ash tray you see on the left looks a bit the same, but the one I (tried) to make has to be made of wood and has to be square. I finnished it almost but the hole on top was difficult to saw, it needed to be done with an electric saw. and the size of the hole had to be measured very well, otherwise the metal bucket wouldn't fit. I was thinking and tried to solve it how to do it, then the Boss came out of his office, and I saw trouble coming, LOL! "How we gonna solve that, what is your plan," he asked me friendly. "I'm still thinking," I replied. The boss took a pencil and started to draw the hole he wanted. Then he asked me, "Are you gonna saw it or am I gonna saw it?" 
I told him that he can do it, cause if I do it, I can't do it while he looks on my fingers, LOL.  




When he started he went like crazy with the electric saw, and it had to be precizely. I saw this already comming though. (Oops, comming is with two m's? or with one m? Dictionary say's one m, I was wrong) I saw this comming though, and I tought, oh no, there goes my ash tray! Sigh! "I't not fitting anymore the metal bucket," the Boss whispered. "No," I replied. "How we gonna solve this," he asked me while he putted an arm on my shoulder. I was done for today, it's been a long day, I was tired. "I don't know," I replied. "Make a new one?" I said. I think and I hoped that the Boss knew he he made a mistake and screwed it up for me. 


So much work on that box and now I have to make a new one. But not today anymore, cause it was nearly time to call it a day. It was a half an hour before the shift time was over. The Boss walked away and came back later, I was standing there and decided to get a broom and clean up my working spot. The Boss looked at me, (I think he felt guilty) and asked me what I was doing, I told him I had a long day and that was tired, "I will clean up my spot and make it all shiny and then I call it a day," I told him. He looked at me and kept looking, that was a bit of a akward feeling. It was alright with the Boss, "Thursday another day," he wisphered. 


When I came home I layed down for a while and then took a shower and made dinner. I was exhausted, the two tables I made today was heavy on me, and I think afterwards the wooden ash tray was a bit to much, maybe I went over my line a bit. But I was nearly done though, until..... LOL! Anyway, Thursday another day, tomorrow is a day of rest! I had a nice evening with some of the residents, coffee and jokes.

Monday went better then Thursday...

Monday went better then Thursday... 

Today went well with work, I finnished my butler-tray and finnished aswell the HUGE corner-couch, (see pictures) there was no nagging and insulting from Rob. Rob insulted me and tried to take away my motivation at work last Thursday, I had a little burst out towards him that afternoon. I told what happened though with Rob and me towards my Boss this morning, My Boss told me that it could be that Rob didn't like the work he was doing at that moment. Rob does most of the time the same work over and over, 'that' work was finnished last Thursday, so, he had to do something else, wich he didn't like. Then he gets annoyed and starts to tease weak people, childish! Rob talked to me normal today, he almost acted like nothing has happened, I did the same, it was fine, forgive and forget.

This couch is HUGE!

Today aswell my project leader, (I still don't know how you call such a person) visited me at work. She helps me looking for the right job, Her name is Agnes and she is a part of the staff from Reha. She wanted to know a bit more about my work/job past, I filled her in. Agnes asked me awell how it was going at work, I told her it's going very well, I really like it here and I learn alot. Considering going back to a metal working job is out of the question, It's just to heavy for me, and it's been such a while since I worked in the metal. Although I have four welding diploma's I don't know, but for now it's a "No." After Agnes asked me a few more things we went to my work place, she would like to see what I made so far at Reha, I showed her three butler-trays and the 'new' corner couch. Other stuff I made was sold last week.

My Boss showed up aswell while I was talking to Agnes, he joined the conversation. My Boss told Agnes that I did a good job and that I learn quickly, he saw my growing in my job. I only have a few min points according to my Boss, I forget things easily, and paying attention I have to learn a bit more. Technicly I have to grow more aswell, now there were a few things I didn't agreed with my Boss. But I letted it be. I should have said something though, show more my assertive side. Now working with my Boss isn't always a pleasure, he is the Boss but actually he is the Boss on the office, officially a office worker. We really need a second Boss who helps us out,  a Boss who has more skills in this job. My Boss knows what he wants and knows what has to be made, and he knows how he wants it, but doing it is a bit 'hmm, hmm.'

Lots of wood!

Sometimes I see him working while we work together, or he helps me. Then I see sometimes the mistakes he makes. He doesn't look on a centimeter or two, he isn't that perfectioned what sometimes is needed. He does his best but he's doing it to fast, "Ah that's okay," he says then, while it's not. My Boss makes sometimes mistakes when he's working on something with me, and I see his mistakes. Later on he tries to shove his mistakes towards me and tells me then in a friendly way, "See what you did wrong? Next time it's better that you do it this way or that way." My Boss tries to teach me something then, but trough 'his' mistakes it goes wrong and I get the fault. (Be more assertive Sjon, speak!) I do not hate my Boss, he's a really friendly guy and does his best for me, but he belongs on his office.

Another example, my Boss helps me out to much, he overreacts, although he means it good. This afternoon I was making a table and when he helped me he made almost the whole table, I thought, "Hey I like this work let me do it, and I need to learn this aswell." And I know that he will make mistakes, or he will explain me things what I already know. Maybe my Boss tries to make me be more assertive and want me to speak up.Let's try this tomorrow. I like the work that I do, I like to be neat and correct in the things I do aswell. I want to learn things and I'm at the right adress for that at Reha. I feel a challenge!

Sunday,sunday, sunday.

Sunday, sunday, sunday. 

There's not much to tell about this day, the keyword for this Sunday is and was 'rest.' I felt exhausted, I took two naps. That will do it for today, otherwise I won't sleep tonight. I did my last laundry and that was it actually for this Sunday. Tomorrow I will be working again, I hope that Rob, the one guy who was insulting and nagging at me last Thursday afternoon calmed down. I don't want a afternoon like that again, I had a little burst out, cause I really had enough of him. I can take a few jokes but he went on almost the whole afternoon, not nice. If Rob goes on tomorrow I think it's best to keep it short towards him and then ignore.

Today for the first time I have been looking for houses online, it's not so easy to find a nice house though. Paula told me to look for houses for rent with prices beneath the 500 Euro, well I found a few but in my eyes not enough. I reacted on them, but that doesn't mean I will get the house right away. You can compare it with picking a (house) reacter out of a box. Let's say ten people react on one house, then one reacter who might be the right person for that house is the lucky one. (excuse me for my English explaining, lol) While I was searching for houses online I saw alot of flats to choose, but I have doubts about flats. I know that every flat is different though, and I know also that there are very nice flats aswell. But still.

Either way I made a start with looking for houses, and that's pretty good I think. It's a step forward but I could use some help, upcomming Wednesday I have the next appointment with Paula, perhaps she can help me searching or give me tips. It's also a problem that I don't know the city Enschede that well, I know the way a bit, but if people would tell me a streetname then I don't have a clue where it is. And I don't know what kinda neighborhood it is, is it full of crime? Or is it a nice neighborhood, or maybe a poor neighborhood? I don't know all this. Maybe I should have a look one day in Enschede. 


Still I'm a bit nervous to live on my own again, it's difficult to describe why I am nervous. It's like a said a next step forward, I have been here at Humanitas for five months now. At Humanitas you have most of the time people around you, just like I had most of the time people around me in Canada. It will be different when I have a place for myself again being alone, I can be alone cause I have been for years alone, but do I want that? Or do I want to have people around me again? Yes and no, let's say a bit of both. It's good for me to communicate with others, having people around me. I have to build up my friend connections, starting with new friends or new collegas. 


But how do you do such thing? You join a club or a sport and then ask someone, "You wanna be my friend?" LOL! Naah, I think it just happens. Ofcource I have to get out more and join that club or sport or whatever. Sigh! Sometimes I think to myself, "Yes! Let's do it! Find that nice house and enjoy your build up life again, achieve your goals!" But sometimes I think, "Ugh! I don't feel too, let me be alone." It's the sad thoughts I have sometimes of the proces I'm going trough, that negative thought of, "I had it all, a nice house, living on my own," then the journey to Canada, to a lovely Family and a lovely girlfriend, it's all I ever dreamed off, I had it all, but I blew it!" "And now I'm here, pulled away from that lovely family and that lovely girlfriend. And it all went so fast, it's not fair."


Ofcource I know I should not think that way, but sometimes it goes by itself. Hopefully these negative thoughts will vanish, I'm sure it will, cause I know these thoughts WON'T help me further. I'm sure aswell that Saf will like it when I'm all settled and reach for the goals what I want to achieve, and be happy again. I should be proud of myself what I achieved already, and I am! Then again, I want to take it slow without any rush, overlook things so I can see what is good and what is wrong.

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." 

A new day, a new dawn, a new beginning. It's a sign on a painting somewhere in the hallway of Humanitas, everytime I pass it I read it. This morning I red it too cause I had an appointment with Paula. Our weekly appointment, she always takes two hours for her residents. Every resident has his or her own counselor, otherwise it gets to much for one counselor. Paula was busy, she told me that her husband was worried about her and he told her that she had to take it easy this morning. Paula is two weeks pregnant, I told her that I would have say the same thing. Every husband should be more worried or be more considerate then ussual when your wife is pregnant, right? I know I would be, when I saw Paula running from left to right I told her aswell to take it easy. But she knew what she was doing, she was only two weeks pregnant, nothing to be worried about already.  

The appointment was going well, there was not much to talk about. Everything is going smooth, I should congrate myself cause I'm officially guilt free! YAY!! Now it's only focusing on a house for myself and get my living stuff together. I will be searching online for houses, with that I will get the best chance for a house. The searching will be in two cities, Hengelo and Enschede. Enschede would be very nice, it's such a nice city. It has culture, antique, nostalgion and many shops, I always call it 'little Amsterdam.' Hengelo is nice aswell but Hengelo is just not Enschede. Enschede has more options then Hengelo. So yeah, I'm crossing my fingers on Enschede. Although Almelo (the city where I live now) would be nice too, cause I know this city a bit now. It's been a long while since I been to Enschede, I should go there one day just to have a look again. 


I spent two hours with Paula and it was nice being with her, I told her aswell about my mini little afair with Ina. She really didn't expect that I would fall for Ina, and me kissing her? That was so not me, Paula told me. Well, Ina started with the kissing and I stopped her cause I had doubts. And falling for her, hmm, I think it was more the attention and the warmth she gave me that evening I fell for, I missed the warmth and the attention. I learned my lesson and one thing I surely learned was that I'm not ready yet for a relationship. And second, Ina is 'no way' my type. Ina is nice and funny, we get along well, but that's it. When Paula heard my story about Ina and me she told me that I am 'considerate,' in a good way. "But," Paula told me, "Don't be to considerate." I knew what she mean. 


Memories~

You know what I notice lately?  That my memories of the time being in Canada seems to fade away, or am I just thinking that? I have been focusing alot on my future the last four or five months and it seems I forgot about my time in Canada, I'm not thinking about that time anymore that much and the funny thing is, it worries me, lol! I have been almost two years in Canada! Hello! That's been for me a miracle! Me, almost been knowhere, never travelled so far, almost always spending time alone. Just a few friends and my Dad. If you would have told me four years ago that I would travel to Canada spending almost two years with a nice lady and her five kids, I would have laughed so hard, I wouldn't have believe it. I had a great time, and it is/(would be) a shame that my memories of that time in Canada, spending time with that Family would fade away. 


I still love them and care about them, although Saf and I are seperated. I will not forgot them! I know aswell we won't be together again. But that doesn't mean I have to forget them and forget my time in Canada. Canada was my great adventure, Saf's Family was a bless! They will always have a special place in my heart. I will continue building up my life again, and I'm already so far. I never would have thought I could manich this all, but I did! Were not there yet, but that will come. I'm on a journey and will not sit on my bum like I use to do, I have goals that I want to achieve. And on my journey to these goals I will take the memories of my time in Canada and my time with Saf, Ab, Tasn, Mar, Noor and Cle! Love you still guys!
 
"In memory's telephoto lens, far objects are magnified."  ~John Updike.

"No respect for bicycles?"

"No respect for bicycles?" 

Part 1, 7:50 am. 

I had two things to do this morning, so I got early up. I needed to do some bloodwork and I had to transfer money trough Western Union, damn, I was quit nervous, I hoped everything will go well. First off to the hospital, I knew where to go but I was sure there was a shorter way to get there, I took the safe way so I was sure that I would arrive. It was quit a ride, it took me almost 30 minutes to get there. When I got at the hospital things has changed alot, I was searching for the polyclinic for the bloodwork. I went to the old entrance but a note told me to take the new entrance. But wich new one? There was no sign, nothing! I decided to ask someone, always a good option. A lady told me to go to the left cause there was the new entrance, okay.

Arriving there I saw a the new entrance and it looked very nice, I got in and I saw a huge line up at the info desk where I had to go. I decided to have a quick look around in the entrance hall for other signs. I saw right away where I had to go for the bloodwork, but first I wanted to ask if I need a card for proof for the bloodwork. It was my turn in the line up and a lady helped me out and after I asked her what I wanted she asked me for my information, what my adress is and my phone number, aswell what doctor and dentist I have, etc,etc. I though she's gonna give me the card I asked for after telling her my information, but she didn't. She gave me a piece of paper with all stickers on it, with every bloodwork visit I needed to put one sticker on the bloodwork sheet. 

 Off I went to the needles section, I needed to go to section 11a in the green zone. I followed the signs and saw a sign saying 'Section 4/11,' meaning section 4 till 11, I was on the right way. It was actually not so hard to find. I handed in the paper when I arrived at 11a and another lady told me to go there at the corner and then left and then left again, that was easy. The waiting room was packed and I sat down and waited till they will call my name. There were enough nurses who did the bloodwork so it went fast, I waited 20 minutes until it was my turn. The nurse asked me my when I was born and grabbed the needle, I answered her question and she said, "Here it comes." She put the needle softly in my left arm, nice of her to warn me of the needle. I looked up when she putted the needle in my arm. Just a little ouch and that was it.

It reminded me when I was young that I absolutely hated needles, since I got older I'm fine with it. I won't say it's fun! But I'm not scared anymore like I used to was, lol. It was time to go, go to a gas station near the hospital where I heard from a resident that  they have a Western Union section there . Across the hospital there is a huge mall and I decided to go there first, so I could prolly see the gas station, cause I hadn't had a clue where to find that gas station. The resident told me it's near the hospital in the same street. Just before the hospital, I couldn't miss it. Right, well, it was a disaster to get off the parking lot from the hospital and to cross the highway and then to get to the mall. There was one bike lane and it ended dead! Although there was a bridge but that was for pedestrians, sigh!

After biking from left to right and up and down I got across the highway.... On a safe way, I almost decided to cross the street where the cars drove (Absolutley not done!) I found a little tunnel ten minutes from the hospital. At the mall I parked at a store so I could look for the gas station, I saw it after five minutes, I saw aswell the sign of Western Union. But how to get there with a bike? The same way back trough the tunnel? Yeah, and then? I was kinda lost but tried it anyway. It's much easier to get to a gas station with a car then with a bike it seemed. After a few curses I almost arrived at the station, I saw a little path behind a car dealer who was the neighbor of the gas station. Do they have no respect for bicycles, lol! Anyway, I found it, and I almost gave up 10 minutes before I found it.

A Turkish guy was standing at the desk and I thought to myself, "Oh no, I hope he can help me." Sometimes these Turkish people don't seem to understand what you want, or they don't want to understand what you want. I told him what I wanted and he had bad news, he told me that I could transfer money only after 2pm, WOOT!! I looked at him for five seconds trying to find a solution but, there was none. 2pm is 2pm. "I will be back then," I told him. Damn, all that driving and cursing for nothing, lol. On my way back though I found a shorter cut to Humanitas, yay!

Part 2, 2 pm

Hi ho, hi ho, here I go! (again) I jumped on my bike again heading towards the hospital/gas station, the weather was getting grey but it was still dry. There was a strong wind though and the wind was not in my back. This time I took the short cut, hehe, and this time the gas station was easy to find. The Turkish guy regonized me right away, he was busy though with other customers aswell. When he helped me out other customers kept comming. I told him to take his time, cause I wanted this transfer to be perfect. The transfer sure took a while, after he scanned my passport it was all done. Pffeewww, mission accomplished! Now hoping the transfer is going well. Only two things to do, and it took me almost a whole day. But okay, next time it will go better and faster. It's been a while since I used Western Union and I had to find my way first at the hospital. 


Another resident is leaving this week, this guy came a month after me. He was sure suprised when he got the news that he had a house, he's happy with it. I think it will be my time soon aswell, you never know it here. Guess who's comming back? Johannus's ex-girlfriend! Johannus came here with his girlfriend and there two kids as a family, then after four months they got seperated. The girl left Humanitas and Johannus stayed with the two kids at Humanitas, after one and a half month Johannus found a house and left with the two kids. And now his ex can come back to Humanitas, I already talked to her this morning with the coffee break. Humanitas. Never ever a boring moment at Humanitas, there's always something going on. It's almost like a soap serie here. 

Sometimes I like it and sometimes I dislike it, it's sure teaches you how life can be, in a good way and a wrong way. 

Depeche Mode-Clean (bare)

"Keep it down Aquarius."

 "Keep it down Aquarius."

You may be the center of attention today, but probably not the way you'd like. You may be the topic of a local gossip circle. If you overhear someone talking about you, try to take it with grace. How you react will be more important in the end than what they say. 

I was the center of attention today later in the afternoon, someone treated me not that nice. I thought in the end I had to take it with grace, but someone else told me you did well how I reacted.  What happened? I told you a few days ago that sometimes the workers at Reha are gossiping negative rumours about the work they do, they even make jokes about it. "There are no tools, it's all rubbish, there's no motivation, look at him he's so bad he's at the right place here," nag, nag, etc,etc. When they talk and joke like this about others the motivation is totally gone, I just joke along with them sometimes. 'My' motivation though stays the same, I like it at Reha. There is this guy who always tries to take your motivation away with insulted jokes, and agressive talking.

He always picks a victim, and today it was my turn. The first time I saw this guy, he said to me that I don't have to take him serious sometimes, "I joke around alot, but it's just fun," he told me. After hearing that we got along very well, he jokes sometimes with me, but I remember what he told me. I laugh about when he jokes with me, and then he laughs too. But today he picked on me a bit to much, he went on and on until it was my turn. I really had enough and I made fun of him, I was quit angry but was calm aswell. It was actually a good feeling to be assertive for once, I felt it was my turn now, I thought he wanted to try me out.  The angry feeling wasn't fun but in the end I learned from it. I don't let others play with me, I should be more assertive.

But aswell I don't like fights, I hope after the three days of rest in the weekend things between me and him are well again. Aswell I hope one day that he stops with all the joking and gets more motivated at work, he spoils it for other workers. I made two butler trays today, and, hmm, it didn't go so well. Ah! Just one of the days I guess. In the late afternoon I had a phonecall at work, I still had to work an hour. It was Paula, (counselor) she was back1 but had to go again around 4:30. She wanted to see me before she went, "It's been a while since we saw each other," Paula told me. It was 3:35 when I took of to Humanitas, it was nice seeing her back. 

I missed her, she did so much for me the last months. When she walks in the room it's like "Yes!" She's cute and not afraid. (No I don't have feelings for her, lol) Paula is fun to be around. When I talked to her I updated her just a bit, cause she didn't had much time. Up comming Saturday we have the next appointment, then I can take more time with her. Paula had some 'good' news to share.... She's pregnant! I was happy for her, and congrated her. Wow, that means we have two pregnant ladies at Humanitas, and they are both my counselor. First one is Sandra (my stand in counselor for Paula) and then comes Paula. Paula will deliver her baby in January.

It was a full day, I need some relaxation. Being on my laptop writting my post relaxes me, soon I will make a nice cuppa coffee. It's the weekend now, tomorrow I have to get up a bit early for my bloodcheck. I wonder how it will go, it's been almost 4 or 5 years or maybe even longer since I was at that hospital, I'm sure things has changed. I use to check my blood 2 or 3 times a year at my doctor's place, it's a huge medical centre with lots of medical stuff. Now I have to check my blood at the hospital in Almelo, it will be difficult cause I have to search where I have to be for the needles, lol. But once knowing it the second time will go better, wish me luck! Hehe!

"It's the little things that does it sometimes."

"It's the little things that does it sometimes."

It looked like a full day today, lots of little things to do. The weather is so nice out now, not to warm and not to cold. Sunshine and here and there a grey cloud, 20 degrees celcius, perfect!  I went to my bank to get a code for my online banking, sigh! I need that code so I can aswell use my cell phone for online banking, it seems ING does alot with codes, it's sometimes so anoying. I already had a code but I forgot to open the envelope with that code, I must activate that code within two weeks, otherwise the code gets deleted. From the bank I went to the doctor to ask to do some bloodwork for my thyroid, it was quit a walk but the weather was good.

Arriving at the doctor the doctor's assistant told me there's been a few things changed over the years you been in Canada, two or three years ago I needed a special card for visiting hospitals. Now the card is gone, now they use stickers instead. I'm going to check my blood at the hospital this comming Friday. When I was living still in Nijverdal I could just stay in the same doctor's building and check my blood there, but this isn't Nijverdal. I really wonder what my blood results will be, I was tired today, I tried to take a few naps but I couldn't catch my sleep. The tiredness felt like a rock on my chest, I'm used to feel tired though but still. I think it's good that I'm gonna  check my blood, it's about time.

Another guy will be leaving Humanitas soon, I think I mentioned Harry before. Harry is like furniture at Humanitas, he's been here for almost 15 months. If you live that long you become attached, and then it's difficult to say goodbye. It was really needed that Harry leaves, he's a nice guy but an alcoholic. Harry wants to quit drinking but that ain't easy he told me, I can sum up millions of reasons why he drinks. Staying to long here, and feeling bored and thinking negative thoughts  are three of the reasons. I'm happy for him that he's gonna live on his own, he surely must get used to it though but in the end it will be so much better for him. So long Harry! 

How is Ina doing at Humanitas? Or better, how am I doing with Ina? I'm good,very good actually when it comes to her. Were not close but we just get along, same as I do with the other residents, no more feelings and no more thoughts. Ina has something going on with Daniel, there snoozeling and sometimes a quick kiss. I'm perfectly fine with it, I actually laughing inside how I do comparing with two weeks ago. And Ricardo? Yeah, I don't miss the hectic but I sure do miss the hugs and the nice things we did together. I should email his Dad how he is doing in his new village, will do it tonight. How am I doing at the moment? I'm good and I'm getting along with the residents very well, better then I use to actually. 


It's all good!

Yay! Internet!

Yay! Internet! 

I was a bit worried of my laptop at work today, but the work I did helped me not to worry further. You can compair this day just like yesterday, same work, same jokes and same nagging. I try to do a bit more my best today, yesterday was a bit to much nagging and making jokes, I felt pity for my boss. He really tries to make the best off it, and he wants to learn me things, then it's not that nice if another worker is laughing softly behind his back, right? Today went a bit better, the couch I was working on together with the boss and another worker is almost done. Loads of wood and screws, loads of work! See the pictures. 

This couch/bench is huge!

You already know what kinda couch i'ts going to be?

Nearly done, I think one more day!

This couch were making is already solved, and were still building on it. It's the first time we are making such a couch/bench. The buyer had a look today and he was already happy with it.

Something else... Today and yesterday the staff from Humanitas did a room check. They go into you rooms to check on secret things like beer cans or drugs, or they look if the room looks proper and if you hold your room clean. They did that with every room here. When you come here as a new resident you get a contract, and in the contract it says that the staff can look into your room whenever they want, there allowed. When I got back from work I had a little note on my desk saying that they checked my room and my rook was okay, and that I kept it nice and clean. *Insert big smile* 

Another thing what made me smile was that my female neighbor fixed my computer! Yaaayyy! I have internet again and it seems good so far,I keep my fingers crossed though. Still I will be trying to save money for a new laptop, cause it's needed, I might get hacked again. Or the dammage what the viruses left behind might pop up again. The third news what made me smile was that I heard that my counselor is back from vacation, yay for Paula! I missed her, she did so much for me the last five months. I might buy her something nice... let's see tomorrow.

"Motivation."

"Motivation."

"Sometimes the motivation is hard to find at Reha," most of the workers say. I don't have a problem with motivation, sometimes it's all jokes from these workers. They make fun that we don't have much tools or that the company comes short in safety. I know the staff at Reha gives a 100%, this company has just started, it needs time to progress. And sure it needs motivation from the workers, but that's sometimes hard to find. I think I know why, the workers don't get paid, the job what they do is for most workers just a job to fill the days. And for some workers (like me) it's re-intergration to another job. So yeah, this job is important for me. The staff is following me while I work, what kinda works suite's me, what I'm able off, etc, etc. "Your still growing in the work you do, the boss told me, I can see myself growing in this job. I like it, I can see that back in the work I do.

And sometimes the nagging from the other workers?Ah,  I take it just  for granted, and just joke around with them. I had a unexpected appointment today at work, I have a woman following and guiding me to a proper job at Reha, her name is Agnes. Now there's a new person who will also be following me and guiding me, he has to learn what Agnes does. His name is Frans, and we had a meeting today and a canversation. Frans wanted to learn me better, and wanted to know what my wishes are if it comes to work. I told him my jo/work background and told him a bit about Canada. Frans was interested when I told him about Canada, we even spoke english for 10minutes, well, he started it. I liked it and I must say my english is still well. Frans is a nice guy, he will help me out aswell to a nice job. All help is welcome. 


--------- # And then the internet went down, Damn! I already had many, many problems with starting up my laptop the whole day. I think it crashed more then 24 times in a few hours. Actually the whole internet went down at Humanitas, my problems started after I downloaded a few updates. In the late evening a few residents and I found out that my computer was hacked! It made sense to me actually, cause a few hours ago I had a little message on my laptop saying that there is someone with the same IP as mine, I needed to change my IP my computer. This laptop has/had problems, I think I start saving money for a brand new laptop, cause it's really needed. The viruses and the few trojan horses are gone but they left a few dammages that can't be fixed. 


A female resident is willing to fix my computer, she offered me, and I thought, "Why not." I was already thinking of buying a new laptop this week, so, if this one can be fixed it would be nice but if it can't be fixed, oh well. I already made plans when I don't have a computer for a few days or maybe a week that I will write my blog posts on a note, and go to the libary here in town. The libary has a computer/internet section where I can surf on the internet for free, I can write there my posts in my blog.(Yeah, I'm a nerd) I need a computer,it's not only for fun but also for important stuff. Without a compter I can't look for houses or connect with important instantions. I keep my fingers crossed tomorrow the whole day...

"Long weekend."

"Long weekend."

The last three days were long, I had enough to do and that made the days go faster, but still the days were long. It's Sunday evening now, pffeeww, I'm glad it's Monday tomorrow. I rest alot today, I was tired and Sunday's are perfect to rest. The appointment with Sandra was good, but I rather have Paula. She's more straight to the point, next week she will be back. I'm doing well Sandra told me, the guilt for my care-allowance has been paid. (Woot!) Today I asked again for the care-allowance, I did the asking trough internet. Sandra helped me out.

I knew what to do and if I didn't know something then Sandra would fill it in, perfect. The care-allowance will give me a bit of extra money monthly, I had care allowance for years. But while I was in Canada I forgot to chancel the allowance, it's not allowed ton have that when your overseas. Another thing I talked about with Sandra was looking for houses, I can do that aswell trough internet. I had difficulties with what kinda houses to search for, what rent prices, and what kinda houses, is the neighborhood okay if I found a house, etc, etc. Sandra told me that when I see a house what kinda looks nice  to you I have to react on it, if I react on it it doesn't mean I have the house right away. 

I still have a bit that 'eeek' feeling when it comes to a new house, it means a new part in my progress. It's scary and it makes me a bit anxious and nerves. I have the most chance for a new house in 'Enschede,' Enschede is a very nice city, I used to go there for shopping or just going out. I haven't been there for such a long time, even now being back in Holland I haven't been there. Reacting on houses in Enschede means aswell that when I found a house Humanitas in Almelo can't help me further, Humanitas in Enschede will help me further then. Pity though otherwise Paula would have come with me to look at the new house and informed me, and perhaps calm me, she knows me so well now.

I will look and react on houses this week, wow! It feels like a new part has started, a new part of my journey. Scary? Yes! But I guess I will be fine. I need to pay attention that I won't take the first house just like that, it has to be a nice house where I will feel comfy. I need aswell people around me, just like in Canada where I had alot of people around me, I would like that again. I want a much different life then I had before I went to Canada, I don't wanna fall in that same boring patron again. Sometimes I catch myself falling back in that patron, I dislike it but it gives a comfy/weird feeling aswell. I'm ready for something new! 


Sandra informed me about something new aswell, there is a company where you can order a person, (Oh, God my english!) who can help you with going out or build up new friends, socialize. Think of going to fitness, or other sports, or the libary, just to get out more, build up new friends, or maybe even a date. For example, I want to go to fitness but I'm not daring enough to go there, the person from that 'company,' can help me out and go with me the first time. That person can even think of something new to go out to to and he can take you with him or her. Sounds interesting, my first thought was no, cause I'm not helpless, I can take care of myself. 


But who knows, maybe it helps me to get started with something, something new. Maybe that company has more ideas to socialize then me, I will put my thoughts on it this week. It's important for me to build up some friends, it's even important for me to socialize more. My wish would be a nice 'family.' (again) Mom, me the Dad and a few kids, that would make me happy. Am I not happy now then? No, I'm okay, I'm good. Just like I mentioned yesterday, I should be happy now aswell or search for things what will make me happy, and not wait to a certain thing that makes me happy. Make yourself happy now and when you get that 'family' say to yourself, "I was happy already but now I'm even happier."

"Why wait till I'm happy, be happy now."

"Why wait till I'm happy, be happy now."

Ah! Decisions, decisions this morning, should I go to the sauna or not? It's a bit of a money and I was tired, but then again, why should I save money? I should go and enjoy myself, see other people. I decided I go, but then the weather started to become a pain. Grey clouds and lots of wind, decisions, decisions again, I knew I would go anyway in the end. Even when I have the decisions problems. Yeah, I went, with all the decisions time I needed I had to hurry a bit, otherwise I would have missed my train.  Lately I'm in a little confused struggle, I can't even get it out right out of my mouth. Maybe I'm just a bit nerves of what's ahead of me, the near future. Living on my own, what will I get? Will it be good? Will I be alright? My goal is to travel alot when I'm all settled, but thinking of it now makes me feel akward. Will I be happy when I'm all settled? And will I be happy when I travel?

It gives me the feeling that I'm not happy now, BUT I'm sure I will be happy when I have a house and a job and enough money to travel.  But who says I will be happy then? I might be feeling lonely or sad, who knows, I know it's not good to think ahead. But lately such thoughts flashes trough my mind, no one can look in the future, and no one can say if your happy or not happy in the future. So yeah, why wait and decide to be happy later? Why be not happy now? Little things can make people happy, I should be aware of the little things around me what can make me happy. Forcing myself to be happy won't work, just be aware of being happy is enough I think.

I arrived at the sauna on a nice time, the sauna just opened 15 minutes ago. I needed a bathrobe and one pair of slippers, size 10. It wasn't that busy, and it stayed that way. I felt good but when I stepped into in one of the cabines and layed myself down I nearly fell asleep. I surely needed a nap, but not in the cabine though. In the Sauna is also a huge rest room, it's downstairs in the basement. The rest room has nine beds with red blankets and white pillows, nice softly music you can hear in the background. I went downstairs after the cabine visit and layed myself down, I took a nap.I slept for only 30 minutes, it was enough cause I wasn't in the sauna to sleep. I decided to have a drink and going on with sauna-ing. I took two more rounds and took afterwards a good shower. 

Arround 4pm I left the sauna and headed to the trainstation, nicely on time for my train. Arrived in Almelo I went to Mcdonalds and took a nice meal, it was crowded and most of them were teenagers, sigh. That meant alot of noice and lot's of bleeping from the I-pods. It was alright, Mcdonalds was good and I took off again to the groceryshop for.....grocery. I didn't need that much but what I needed was needed, lol! Tomorrow the shops will be closed, tomorrow is Sunday. I bought some stuff for the first two days of the week, cause I will be working whole days then, and I don't feel like shopping after work. It's nice and quiet now at Humanitas, mostly everyone is out, blame the Saturday shopping. 

Smoking! 

Comparing to Canada it seems that Dutch people smoke alot more, that's one thing I noticed when I got back in Holland. I don't smoke, and I don't like the smell, it gets in your clothes, and it feels it blocks my troath. Everytime I see someone smoking I truly wonder why they like smoking, it's not sugary or salty, it's not tasty smelling either. Now at Humanitas most of the people smoke, I'm almost the only one who doesn't smoke. Visiting the residents can be sometimes a pain then, because of the smoke. Sometimes we sit with each other in a room and the smoke is whirling around, ugh! I dislike it, but I'm not walking away, only when it's getting to much. You can say I have alot of smokers around me, I sometimes try to avoid it as much as I can. But there's not much you can do about it, I always think, "Oh it's only for a few months until I get a place for myself." Right. 


Tomorrow I will have the second appointment with Sandra, my stand-in counselor for Paula, Paula will return next comming week I think. I miss her though, she's good in her job, she's friendly and funny aswell. I want to talk with Sandra tomorrow about getting a house for myself, cause it seems I kinda lost it.The prices for renting houses has gone up the last two years here in Holland. If you get a house for 300 or 400 Euro, (rent) you wont get much, but if your lucky you can find a nice house for 400 or 500 Euro. (rent) I can't decide this alone at the moment, I surely need help. Cause if I see a nice house for 400 or even 500 euro,  someone else might find for me something nicer for 300 or 350 Euro. Tomorrow I will know more.