"What a nice day at work!"

"What a nice day at work!"

What a nice day it was at work, there was lots to do, without asking my Boss every ten minutes what do I have to do now? I loved it, I felt good aswell. The radio was on and some people were singing along, and some were making jokes. There was a good atmosphere, I like that. I take my hat of for a fellow-worker who is actually the major worker, or how do you call such a person. He's the one who guides the other workers, he knows what has to be done, he knows the orders. When I have a question I go to him, he's always friendly and smiles. It looks he never has a bad day, lol. That must be so tough, to be always friendly even when someone screws a order up.

I screwed up a few times, well it were a few little mistakes, though in my eyes and thoughts I screwed up. I dislike making mistakes, but I know aswell that I learn from making mistakes. It's nice aswell that you know what to do when the 'major worker' gives you an order, I know how to make a mat, I know what the procedure is for making a mat. I enjoy my work, even though it's sometimes though having sore muscles or having less energy. Aswell saying 'have a nice weekend,' while other workers still have to work a day. One worker told me once that it must be nice to have to work only three whole days, well, yeah it is, but I NEED those days off aswell for my body to rest. Just that sometimes they don't understand that.

There's still a storm going on here, it's getting worser while I write this post, I hope my windows or roof will hold it, lol. With eight degrees above zero it's sure not cold, I wonder where the snow is. There was a little dissapointed news that I got to hear today, another worker from Reha (who I know) told me that I'm not invited for Reha's last working day of the year, they organized a Christmas brunch. I told my Boss a few days ago in a mail that I prolly won't be invited for my new jobs Christmas brunch, I asked him if there still was space for me at Reha's brunch. Both brunches will be held on 22 December.

My Reha Boss didn't mailed me back yet, but like I said tonight at the free dinner a Reha worker told me I wasn't invited, the reason was that I worked at Slettenhaar now and not at Reha. The Reha worker told me aswell that my Boss at Reha will mail me about this, but yeah, no mail yet. Now I'm not really sure that I'm not invited at my new jobs Christmas brunch, but a week ago 'they' had a party aswell in the cantine. (It was someone's birthday) Then I wasn't invited either, simple reason? I was not a official worker there. (yet) So, I'm guessing I won't be invited to the upcomming Christmas brunch aswell. Most dissapointed I'm at Reha, cause I mailed them saying I'm prolly not invited at my new job's Christmas brunch. There answer in short, 'your not invited here aswell'. Not really a nice start for the Christmas holidays right?


But yeah, I will just see what happens on the 22th, I will be dissapointed if I'm not invited specially at Reha. I've done so much for these people. Anyway, although prolly the dissapointment, I'm surely not gonna sit and feel lonely and sad. I'm gonna make the best of it without complaining cause 'that' won't help me further. I will enjoy myself, 100%! And maybe who knows, the situation turns around and I will have a brunch anyway. Then I complained and whined for nothing, prolly made a fool of myself, lol. But hearing from a Boss where you worked eight months for and had a GREAT time with, 'your not invited,' isn't a nice thing to hear, right?

"High tree's catches the most wind."

"High tree's catches the most wind." 

There's a storm going on in Holland, it isn't a pleasure wen you have to go trough it. I had to go trough it twice today, first time was in the morning, and second time in the late afternoon. I was sore when I got out of bed, I truly wished I could have stay inside, but I had a dentist appointment where I had to go too. I had a good sleep though, I needed that. Still the two days of work asks alot of my body, a resting day is surely needed then. It didn't rain when I got out of bed, but (ofcource, lol) it rained when I had to go. It rained hard, extremely hard. I putted on my rain-pants and putted my rain coat over my winterjacket, the rain- coat is very thin but rain-proof. Umbrella with me and there I went, off to the trainstation.

It's a bless that the rainstation was only ten minutes away from me. When I arrived in Nijverdal I saw alot of changes again in this village, one of the new things that I saw and liked was the new square in the middle of the centre. With a few nice trees and in the middle of the square a huge Christmas tree, so nice. It still rained when I walked from the trainstation to the dentist, I was a bit worried aswell cause of my muscle pain in my hips. They hurt alot so now and then recently, I guess I can blame the long standing daily at work. Maybe I should try to do more excersizes, but then again I walk alot and I ride my bike alot, shouldn't that be enough? 

Anyway, the dentist was nice as ussual and shooked my hand. It was a short visit cause it was only a check up, but oh dear, I needed four new fillings and something else, (Dentists use sometimes the weirdest numbers while checking) Another filling broke off a few months ago, that has to be fixed aswell, that makes five new fillings, sigh and ouch! I will have to come back twice in the second week of January next year, on a Wednesday. I asked if it was possible to come on a Friday, cause the wednesday I need for resting. The Friday wasn't possible cause then my dentist wasn't there, well. okay. I was still tired when I layed in the dentist-chair, I could easily fall asleep, lol. Better not, right? 

Windmill waiting for the storm.

On my way home it was dry, happy me! I did a few groceries in Nijverdal, I went to the supermarket where I always went when I still lived here, kinda akward to be there again. Funny that I had to think twice where they had stalled the bread again, lol. Still I'm sure I don't want to live in this village again, I don't want to fall back in the same ol,'  same ol.' I don't want to be a einzelganger. When I got back home it started to rain again, woohoo, right on time back. I made some lunch and heated up the sleeping room, I needed a nap. The phone ringed, it was my counselor, he wanted to come for a visit. He missed the last visit when he wanted to come, that was last Friday.

I like when he comes for a visit, he's helping me around with the rest of my hmm, problems? I wouldn't call it problems, more things I would still like to achieve. Like doing some vollunteer-work, just to be around people, communicate and perhaps build up some friendships. Just to get me busy and not sit at home most of the time. Now it's not that a problem, cause I have my work, there I see and speak with my fellow workers, and I do go out three times a week for dinner, there I see and speak people too. I would like to find something for the weekends, that would be nice. Although all that, I need my rest and my 'me' time too, I don't have that feeling when I come back from work, that I have to go somewhere, cause then I would like to have a 'me' time.

Talking about my 'me' time, let me fill up the waterkettle and jump into my pyama pants and have a relaxing time. I just got back from the free dinner, it was nice being there again. On my way back home I had the wind against me, geesh, what a storm. This storm will last a few days, in the weekend we will get some other weather. Hope it's gonna be better, I don't mind some snow actually.

Work, work, work!

Work, work, work! 

I just finnished dinner, a  warmed up meal from last Sunday. Pasta and some meat, I made a bit extra Sunday, so I don't have to cook Tuesdays when I come back from work I thought. So now and then I do that, it's handy and easy. Monday when I come back from work I have the free dinner,then I don't have to cook either. Lol, do I even cook in the week? Oh yeah, sometimes Tuesday's' and then Friday's, Saturday's and Sunday's. I cook simple things, potatoes, veggies and meat, sometimes I do something special for example 'chicken tonight,' or something else. And I promised myself that I wanted to cook more  and more differently, yeah, I just need a bit more money I guess. 

I think I can manage with my money when I want to cook something different, I usually choose the cheap food. Cheap but with quality potatoes, cheap meat but tasty, and veggies from a can, just as fresh as other veggies. I'm sure I eat well and healty, oh yeah I'm positive about that. Plus I eat my fruit and juices aswell, no worries here. But so now and then I had it with always making and cooking the same food, I must say with the free dinners they serve me different and yummie food too. With work I eat good aswell, I always did. While working at Reha, I guess I was the only one with sandwisches and fruit. I like to eat well, ofcource I have a snack aswell sometimes, chocolate bars are the best! 

Back to this day, working day, what can I say? Worked hard and I see I'm progressing, I can finnish a complete mat now. (Hey, you brag!) Sometimes I still make these little mistakes, but I guess you learn from them. Although I dislike making mistakes, sometimes I want to work fast then I sometimes forget things. It bothers me aswell making this mistakes, oh well, the bothering and the disliking will make me not make that same mistake again, right? Tomorrow a day off, sigh, I'm ready for it. But tomorrow morning I have a dentist appointment at 10:00 am, sure I will not go on my bike. I will get the train at 9:00, then I will have to walk for 15 minutes. 

Yeah full morning again, I will take it easy the rest of the day.  A nap is for sure on my schedule.

Hail & rain? Yes!

Hail & rain?  Yes!

Exhausted after work, oh yeah. It made me think aswell, 'Should I change my working schedule?'  Working Monday a whole day and Tuesday a whole day, that's two days in a row. Hmmm, it would be easier if I skip the Tuesday and work Wednesday a whole day. So that way I can work a day and get a resting day after. Monday work, Tuesday rest, Wednesday work, Thursday rest, Friday work, Weekend! I will see how it will go. Today's working day went good, I had fun, although there wasn't much to do. I dislike it when there's not much to do, cause I might get another duty then, a duty what I'm not used to, lol. I rather do something what I'm used to, so far so good. 

It was a cold day, rainy, windy, and some hail. But I guess I was a bit lucky, in the morning when I went to work it was dry, when I went home it was dry too. On my way to the free dinner it was dry aswell, but on my way back home, I got a huge hail storm on my head. No umbrella, no rain pants, yeah I got soked. Gladly I was on my way home and could take of those wet clothes. The weatherforecast forspelled snow aswell, but I didn't see any, but cold it was, oh yeah. Tomorrow even colder. It's gonna be a busy week, three whole days of work, Wednesday a day off, but the dentist is expecting me at 9:50 am. It's just a check up, but still it's again a long travel to Nijverdal. I'm sure I will go by train.

My bicycle stays inside, I should search for a dentist in my own city actually. I will but not yet, perhaps next year, after 1 January. It's a lot easier to have a dentist much nearer, anyway. Let me warm up with a nice coffee, cause the hail storm made me cold. I'm already wearing a thicker sweater. Cheers! 

"It's hard to find something."

"It's hard to find something." 

It was a bit before 8:00 pm, Saturday eve,' a large cuppa coffee and a small raisin bread.

I'm still in pyama pants, lol. I don't mind. kinda akward though cause four or five years ago I would just put my jeans on in the morning and leave them on. Now I only put my jeans on when I go out. When I come back, it's jeans of again. While I was in Canada at Saf's place I did it the same way in the beginning, jeans on in the morning and leave them on. Saf and the kids did it differently, comfy clothing inside the house, other clothing when they go out. And when they would come back, it's back in the comfy clothing. I prolly took that habbit over, cause I'm doing the same now. Love it, when you come back from work or something else, feeling relaxed with comfy pants on or comfy sweater.

Anyway, back to this Sunday. You prolly know what I'm gonna say next, lol. Yes, I didn't do much today, I showered, (Wow, I bought a huge scrub sponge yesterday and that kinda hurted while showering and scrubbing, lol. But it did me good aswell) laundry was done, so I didn't have to do that, sweeped the floors and ironed my working clothes. Later on I will make some pasta for dinner, perhaps I will make alot, so I can freeze some pasta in for Tuesday. When I come back from work, I will be tired and don't feel much for cooking. I have been looking online for somthing to do in the week or in the weekends, like a voluntary association or a club where I can go to once or twice a week. 

That can be anything for my part, perhaps something with radio, or yoga, gym, painting, ect, ect. Just that I have something to go to besides having a job, communicate, meet people, ect, ect. But it's so hard to find something, is it that there's just so less to do or is it that there's so many that I can't find the right thing? It's almost like finding a needle in a haystack, I found several cources and I will join some of them too, but what to do when the cource is over? Another cource? I'm sure my wallet won't like that, there's gotta be something there, I'm sure. And I'm positive that I will find something, dating perhaps? I don't know, let that happen spontaneous for now, lol. I'm good. 

Two weeks working and then it's Christmas vacation, I will have two weeks off. Gosh time flies. Before you know it it's January again, but let's first go to London on 30 December, Yay! I haven't heared from the traveling company yet, they said a week before I will get the final traveling papers, EEK! 

There are three words I like to repeat to myself "glass half full." Just to remind myself to be grateful for everything I have.

There are three words I like to repeat to myself "glass half full." Just to remind myself to be grateful for everything I have.

I liked this Saturday, just like yesterday. I enjoyed myself and felt good, and I even didn't do that much. Did one load of laundry and went for the second half of grocery shopping, I love my drying-rack, lol! The weather was so bad though, rain, rain and rain. Specially this morning the rain came down like crazy, it's nice to look at it but not that much fun if you have to go trough it. I wanted to go out, I wanted to go to a second hand store just to have a look around, but with all that rain, never mind!

In the afternoon the rain stopped a few times, so I decided to go out. Not to the second hand store but to buy groceries, the second hand store was a bit to far with all that rain. I went to another store, another supermarket in this city. The store is called 'Deka markt,' I never been there. It was nice to be there, and I took my time. I bought everything what I needed and a bit more, lol! Ofcource, I too need sometimes some extra, lol! It was really a nice store, everything looked tidy and need, and it wasn't even that expensive. I spent a little hour in the store and went back home, well, with a different route. It didn't rain and I didn't feel like going home yet.

When I got back I took a short nap, it started to rain aswell, I was right on time at home! I realized today aswell that I really need something to do with Christmas, I think I will be good, but, hmm. I think no one should ever be alone with Christmas, my plan was to just get trough these days and I will be fine, perhaps aswell ignore it a bit. But you can't actually ignore it, it's everywhere, on TV, on the radio, even on Facebook or Blogger, lol. I will look what there is to do or what I can do this Christmas. I don't have to fill the whole two days of Christmas, perhaps a few things or just one, that will satisfy me. But then again, it's not a must, it would be good and nice for me but I don't wanna pressure myself to find something.

For sure I will visit my Dad, he would like that. The 22th of December there are several places where I can have a Christmas dinner. At Reha they have a organized dinner, cause it's the last working day of the year. Aswell the place where I work has something to do on that day, What? I don't know yet. And third, the place where I ussualy have the free dinners have a special Christmas dinner aswell, busy day huh? I really would like to go to Reha's dinner, I haven't seen these people in a few months. Would be nice to see them again. About the place where I work now, I don't know what they will organize, but I do know that they will do something. 

Last Friday at my job they had a birthday party too, but my fellow worker from Reha and me weren't invited, cause were not actually oficial work members there. Well. okay, so prolly that means that were not invited on the 22th of December aswell. I already messaged my old Boss from Reha with this story, and I told him to save a plate on the 22th. Kinda looking forward to this day, it's nice to see them again.

 

"Foodbank!"

"Foodbank!" 

Yep, I already planned this week that on Friday morning I will go to the foodbank here in this city to sign myself up. The signing up is every first and last week of the month. So, this morning I went. They opened there doors from 9:30 am till 10:30 am for signing up, there was a little line up but that was okay. The place was an old supermarket and it was kinda chilly inside, and empty, very empty. A few round tables and a few chairs and that was it, in the corner from the supermarket I saw a few guys packing in some bread. I felt good, and sat beside a group of people who were waiting for the sign up intervieuw. 

I didn't have to wait that long, a woman welcomed me and guided me to a little table. She introduced herself and I did too, she asked me if I had my ID or passport with me and the bank statements from the last 3 months. I knew I had to take them with me, so yeah I had them. Funny that the woman aswell asked me if I wasn't feeling ashamed a bit to come here, I answered, "Not at all!" I knew I wasn't the only one, and why should I be ashamed if I can get something for free. I felt comfy and I hoped I would get trough this signing up, and they will offer me monthly or weekly free food. Although the intervieuw went well, I also had a few doubts here and there, I held my fingers crossed I will become a member.

Maybe I had to bring more proof that my incommings aren't that much, but okay. After the intervieuw the woman said that she will call me in the early afternoon to share the results. Afterwards I did a few groceries and went home, I felt a nap was needed. Around 11:30 my counselor will come for a visit, he doesn't come weekly anymore, just once in two weeks was enough, and I agree. I took a short nap and then waited for my counselor, I waited and waited. It was already 12:00 but no one showed up, 1:00, no one! I decieded to wait till 1:30 and then will head of to a store. My counselor didn't show up and didn't call, nothing. Oh well, he will prolly call me or leave a mail. Kinda akward though cause ussualy he calls, anyway.Off to the store I went...

...To buy a drying-rack! A drying-rack yes!! I bought one, lol. For months I had a little rope hanging trough the bathroom/shower and there I hanged my just washed laundry. And now a drying-rack, yay! Silly me that I had doubts of buying the rack, I'm still so easy with my money, just because of my trip to London. The last few months I bought alot of items what was needed in my house, just a few things I thought. But in the end ofcource all these few things was quit a som of money. I even was thinking of buying a new phone, not a cell phone but just a regular phone with a wire what you can put in a plug, back to basic! 

The reason why I wanted a new regular phone was that I dislike cellphones, I just CAN'T  handle them. I push buttons but nothing happens, how many times it happened when I had a important phonecall and I had and wanted to answer it and I pushed (always) the wrong button, and then I have to call them back. That's expensive, so yeah, get rid of it. But the doubts of buying a regular phone were there, in the end I didn't buy one. Still I saw one and it had a good price, but I will have to arrange a subscription, (or how you call it) to much thinking for the moment. I will get a new phone, but not yet, not now. A nice wireless phone would be nice too, I saw a few of those too for a good price.

Today was nice, I actually look forward to the next two days off. Maybe I will go out or I don't know yet. I was thinking of visiting a market here in the city, it's been a while since I have been there. I will see.

"To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are".

"To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are."

With a kinda sick feeling I went to work this morning, I felt the same way yesterday in the afternoon. I felt dizzy and my stomach was upset, if I would make myself to busy I would get more dizzier, I could only think of two things. It was my throid of my blood pressure is to high or low. Yesterday I felt a bit better later in the afternoon, this morning the sick feeling started again but worser, I felt aswell like throwing up and felt pale. I started to worry plus I didn't like my work I was doing, ugh! I was doing the same work when I started this job, I felt like a amature. The thoughts of it made me feel even worser. Plus my Reha mate did work what I would like to do and show then everyone I could do that kinda work too, and not only this amature work what I was doing at the moment. 'nag, nag, nag, I know.

 

After I stopped the nagging and was done with my work I asked my Boss if I could finnish the mats where I made a start with. His asnswer was a bless, yes, I could finnish the mats, yay! Just what I needed this day, different kinda work, and not the same ol 'same ol.'  Though I still felt sick, still the dizzy and upset stomach, the worries came. 

I decided to go to the Doctor tomorrow morning, for my blood pressure plus I will take some blood to see what's going on with my thyroid. Later on when I was busy with my duties, my stomach cleared up and I felt a bit better. such a relief, feeling sick is sure not a nice feeling. Let's see how I feel tomorrow morning, Visit the Doctor tomorrow? I don't know yet. Holland. I know I sure will visit my Doctor before my trip to London, I could use a medicine passport aswell.

Yeah, it was a bit of a weird day, I'm feeling much better now. Maybe it was a bit pressure from the last weeks, I don't know. I wish I was a Doctor, lol. So I could see or feel what was wrong with me. While I'm writing this post the rain comes pooring down hard, and there's a storm. It's to warm for this month, 12 degrees above zero, it's insane almost. And they warned for a 'horror winter,' guess it's still to early to complain already, it's just December. I made and managed the three full days of work and it went okay, I gotta take my rest aswell, and slow down when it's going to crazy, my body will tell me. Three days off, yay. I don't have plans yet, I will just see. Maybe I will come up with a crazy idea, like going to a sauna or... I don't know. Or something totally different. But first rest, and a few naps.

Darn, I just missed it!

Darn, I just missed it!

I passed the 400th psot, and I was just about to make it something special. Guess I will wait for the 450th post or better the 500th post, hopefully I'll make it before the 31th of December, lol. I doubt it! There isn't much to say today, cause I didn't do a thing, ermm, yes, resting and making breakfast and lunch. Within a few hours I will be heading of to the free dinner, yum! These people who prepair the free dinner will prolly doing something with Christmas aswell, I will be sure to ask them. These people are a bunch of vollunteers and there part of a religious community, there very strict when it comes to religion. There strong believers, praying before and after dinner. So now and then they come sit next to you, and just that sometimes they ask you to become a part of there community and religion. Well, no thank you, I believe in God, and will believe in God  in my own way, thank you again.

I like going to the free dinners though, there very friendly people. Only there a bit different in there believes then let's say Catholic people. The community there part of is called Pentecostalism, I hope I spelled that right. These free dinners I have are on Wednesdays and Thursdays, there is a free dinner aswell on Mondays, but that's another Pentecostalism community. That community is a even stronger in there religion and believes then the other one. You have to be there at 6:00 pm, cause then the dinner starts, after 6:00 pm you wont come in cause then were eating. While were eating you can't walk away from the table, only when you have to go to the bathroom, then a staff member will guide you. Before and after dinner we will all pray together, again one staffmember does the prayer, the prayers are quit nice though, I like it. 

Then after dinner, 7:00 pm you can go outside for some fresh air or a smoke, and afterwards you can come back in for a coffee or tea. I will have to take pictures one day, it's quit comfy there.Back to this Wednesday, I really needed this day off. I took my time and had my rest. I tried to make a few things in order, like what is there to do these comming months. New years eve' is settled, I will be going to London, Yay! With Christmas I don't know what to do yet, on the 22th of December, Reha will have a nice dinner but I will be at my new job then, and they will prolly have something going on then too. The 22th of December will be the last day of work before Christmas and New Years. It's common in Holland that factories and communities give a special 'Christmas reward to there workers.' Mostly it's a package with food and little Christmas gifts. It's a nice thing to get, hopefully I will get one too.

SAILING- CHRISTOPHER CROSS 31 YEARS LATER

A well deserved day off!

A well deserved day off! 

Oh yeah! It's been two good but busy days at work, but I managed. Now I'm sore and tired out, lol. I couldn't make another day, that's okay cause I don't have too. I'm actually working over my energy limit, according the thyroid results from my Doctor in 2003. Way back I know, but back in 2003 the Doctor and the hospital tested me and they both came with the results that I can't full fill whole days at work. I can only work 20 hours in the week. That will be two whole days and one half day. I'm now trying to work three whole days, that's 24 hours a week, four hours more. 

I will be fine, I'm sure. I found out that I can do so much more then I thought I could, When I didn't had work and sat at home being sick, I only could think of getting rest and not allow myself to get tired, be very carefull with your energy! I was overreacting, and I became more and more tired. Later on when I really had to do something, (think of Candada and the time after Canada) I could! And now I'm working, almost can't believe it, lol. Ofcource I'm tired while working and I have sore muscles, but the tiredness feels a bit different. I'm used to the tired feeling now, I know what I can do and what I'm acapable off. I know when I have to take a step back and when I have to take rest. It's okay to get over my limits, but I'm aware that I will take it easy aswell.

Lately I'm thinking of dating again, but I'm not taking it that serious. I'm still thinking that the best way to find someone is to be going out, explore, enjoy yourself. I wont be searching for someone, ermm, well, maybe a bit then. But I wont be finding the searching that important, most important for me is to enjoy myself and be happy. Maybe then before I know someone will cross my path, who knows. Maybe I'm not even ready for dating, maybe still afraid to mess up and have that pain again, suffering, grieving. That's why I throw the searching for a date on a lower pit. Ofcource it can happen that someone will cross my path, and then?  Then we will just see how it goes. I know I changed and I know I learned alot, I will be sure fine and okay. I will be ready then.

Misserable start with a happy ending!

Misserable start with a happy ending! 

I had a misserable start this mornming.  My weekend wasn't so good, I felt so now and then lonely, and I guess this morning the lonely feeling went only worser when I thought about it more and more, for a moment I felt like going to the bathroom at work and cry it all out. But I didn't go. Just one of the days I guess. I can say now that work is so important for me, while working I'm busy. Busy with doing things and I'm mostly distracted from the lonely feelings. It took a while though that I felt a bit better, but the better feeling came and that's important. I had aswell a few little nerves about the upcomming visit to the 'Social Housing,' I wanted to go this comming Wednesday. Because I still need to know if I have to ask for gas and elektra for my house or not. I have been twice to there office and twice they told me, "You don't need to ask for gas and elektra, we take care of that." I didn't have to do anything!

That was in September and Oktober, and now there are doubts, cause a resident from Humanitas came living in the same building as I live, and he had to ask for gas and elektra. So Humanitas informed 'Social Housing for me aswell. And now there saying I have to ask for it, (Huh?) I was confussed and sent them an Email, (expecting that they would never answer, but who knows) and planned to visit them Wednesday-morning. I even chancelled a dentist appointment for them, lol. I was devestated! And nervous, and I had thoughts. But this afternoon after my work I saw a email from 'Social Housing,' they told me, "I don't have to ask for gas only for elektra." Sigh, so it's a yes! Social Housing even gave me the first meter stands when I came living here. Handy for signing with a new elektra company. 

Asking for Elektra was easy, I knew the elektra company's name, (Elecktrabel) and I could ask and sign with them online. It was done in five minutes, I will get a extra e-mail from Elektrabel for the confirming and then it's all clear. Pfffeewww, relief! I can tell you that. My first whole day at work on Monday, usually I worked a half day on Monday. I will be working three whole days now this comming week, let's see how that goes. Today went good, ofcource I was exhausted, Mondays, lol. But work went well, it felt good. I worked from 7:30 am till 4:30 pm, after work I came home and had a fiveteen minute rest and then took of to the free dinner, cause that started at 6:00. Yeah, full day. I actually didn't feel like going cause I was tired and had sore muscles, but I'm glad I went. Dinner was nice and I felt better after it.

I love happy endings! 

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

Today I planned to do my 'administration,' it needed to be done. Just to get everything in order and to get some rest in my head. I knew everything was settled and goes well but in my head the it felt like a mess. I went trough alot of things, and I'm half way. It surely gives rest, there was one thing what bothered me and that has to be settled. I still have a few questions for the company where I rent my house from, Oh dear my English. I so can't find the right English word for 'that' kinda company, hold on! LOL!

I rent a house from 'Public Housing,'  Public Housing is a Public housing is a form of  Housing tenure in which the property is owned by a government authority, which may be central or local. Social housing is an Umbrella term referring to rental housing which may be owned and managed by the state, by non-profit organizations, or by a combination of the two, usually with the aim of providing afforable housing. The Dutch housing policy is based on a concept of universal access to affordable housing for all and the prevention of segregation. Aswell the rent for the cheaper rental homes In Holland is kept low through governmental oversight and regulation. These types of homes are known as sociale huurwoningen. Thank you Wikipedia!

So, I went trough my renting papers this morning and I bounced a few times on several questions. A few days ago I had a call from Humanitas, they asked me that I really need to inform for a gas & electric-company, cause it's needed. I answered them that I already have gas, elektra and water, Social housing said it wasn't needed, cause everything is shared in my flat, or how you call it. Everyone gets water, everyone has electricity and gas. But, the major tap or major boiler room, or how you call such, is in one central place, owned by the Social housing. It's all part of the services, where I have to pay for aswell. (Oh my english, lol)

Several months ago I was struggling with this subject too, do I need to get in touch with a gas & electric-company plus a water-company yes or no? It was so confussing, 'Social housing said no when I visited them. The gas, electric plus the water is all aranged by the Social housing. My counselor from Humanitas kept finding it weird. To ask for gas and electric I will have to write down the meters from the smart meter. The smart meter is mostly in the boiler room, in my house the boiler room is a boiler closet, lol. It's small but you can see right away what you need or what you want. 

BUT my boiler-closet didn't have a smart meter, so, I can't inform the gas & elektra-company about my meter levels. Without the meter levels they can't do anything. Include that the 'Social housing' said I don't need to ask for gas and Elektra, I just letted it be. Ofcource... I went there twice to ask for it, and twice I get the same answer, I don't need it. So, a few days ago Humanitas called, and said that it was needed, cause another resident from Humanitas recently is living in the same flat as I live. And he had to ask for gas, elektra and water aswell. Sigh! So confussing! Strange though, cause on one of the papers where I went trough was written that I had to ask for gas, electra and water. It was important to do that two weeks before I get the keys for my new house, otherwise I would have no gas, elektra and water. 

Well, I have water, and I have gas and elektra, lol And I never asked for it. You still there? LOL! I will go this comming Wednesday to the Social housing to ask what is needed and what is not needed, I hope I will get some good and final answers. I hope I'm not to late if they will inform me that I need to ask for gas, water and elektra. It's such a maze. And I hope my English explaining was well, lol. Thank you Wikipedia and thank you Google translate!  This Sunday was sure okay, I went half trough my administration, (yay!) Had a marvelous shower, (scrub, scrub! and relaxed most of the day..... Yes, in comfy pants! Tomorrow will be my first Monday that I work a whole day, it will be a busy day. Working from 7:30 am till 4:30 pm, then at 6:00 pm the free dinner.

Black Friday and a sunny Saturday.

Black Friday and a sunny Saturday. 

Black Friday, I guess I will never understand why so many people want to be in a store with so many other customers. I saw a few video's today of the Black Friday shopping, it's crazy and at the same time akward and fun to watch. Black Friday is a tradition, like we have traditions aswell here in Holland. Sometimes I wonder how on earth you can shop with so many people gathered around, grabbing and pulling. I wonder aswell what do you grab first or where do you go first when your the first one in the store, do you run to the first sale? Or do you already have a plan where to run to or what to grab first? Just wondering. I'm sure that Black Friday is nothing for me, I like to shop quitly when I'm planning to buy something. It's okay when it's busy but rather not, for example when it's crowded in a store I'm fine when I'm just looking around, I love it, looking at people while your shopping.

Although Black Friday is nothing for me, I would love to experience it once. Just to see how or what it is, I wont be shopping though, lol. Just observing the madness going around. And for sure I wont stand first in line, I might get run over. Ì didn't get run over this afternoon, I went for a little while to a garden-centre. They had a Christmas sale with loads of decorations, it was fun to just look at it. The garden-centre is nearly in my back yard, lol. Lots of kids were there too, cause Sinterklaas is in town. Sinterklaas is a good friend of Santa Claus, they have alot in commen. Kids love them both and they both give presents once a year. Sinterklaas only comes to Holland and Belgium, He is also well known in territories of the former Dutch empire  including South Africa, Aruba, Suriname, Curaso,Bonaire, and Indonesia. Sinterklaas comes from Spain with his ship and with his helpers every once a year. (November/December) 

The one and only 'Sinterklaas.'

Sinterklaas traditionally arrives in the Netherlands each year in mid-November (usually on a Saturday) by steamboat from Spain. He is an elderly, stately and serious man with white hair and a long, full beard. He wears a long red cape over a traditional white bishop's alb and sometimes red stola, dons a red mitre and holds a gold-coloured crosier, a long ceremonial shepherd's staff with a fancy curled top. He carries a big book that tells whether each individual child has been good or naughty in the past year. He traditionally rides a whitegray horse. Sinterklaas has several servants too, these servants are callled 'zwarte pieten. I was so scared of them when I was a kid. With there black face and black curly hair, dressed up like a 17-th centurypage in a colourful dress, often with a lace collar, and donning a feathered cap.

Sinterklaas and his servants usually carry a bag which contains candy for nice children and a roe, a chimney sweep's broom made of willow branches, used to spank naughty children. no wonder I was scared of them, lol Some of the older Sinterklaas songs make mention of naughty children being put in the bag and being taken back to Spain. Aaarghh! The zwarte pieten toss candy around, and have become modern servants, who have black faces because they climb down chimneys to deliver the gifts and presents to the kids. Just like Santa Claus, but he isn't black from going down the chimney, hmm! Traditionally, in the weeks between his arrival and 5 December, before going to bed, children put their shoes next to the fireplace chimney. They leave the shoe with a carrot or some hay in it and a bowl of water nearby "for Sinterklaas' horse", and the children sing a Sinterklaas song. The next day they will find some candy or a small present in their shoes.

Zwarte pieten!

So far Sinterklaas and his Zwarte Pieten, otherwise I will get scared again. The Saturday was sunny and not even cold, we call this weather in Holland a 'kwakkel' winter. In English 'Make up your mind Winter!' LOL, I bought a few good sales today, 4 white t-shirts, each 3 Euro. I have been searching for nice and wearable white t-shirts for a long time, but couldn't find them. Or to expensive, or to big or a horrible collar. Finally I found some, I'm a happy man. Further not that much, I did the last of my grocerie and spinned one last load of laundry. Tomorrow I want to do my book-holdings, or how you call it. Going trough my papers and bills, I want to have it all in order. Sunday is a perfect day for that. Now back to my coffee before it's getting cold, cheers!

Picture time!

Picture time!
Here we go again... 1...2 ....3... Go!

 Ready for work, yes! It was cold that morning! And early, very early...

 Peanut butter jelly time, come on sing with me! Usually I get such sandwisches for lunch but, oh well, I just felt like having some... Cherry jam!

 Done! Enjoy your meal Mr. Sjon!

 8:00 time for a cuppa coffee! This is my favorite cup... Cheers!

 Just back from work, legs up and relax! Never mind the plant, I just gave it water and it was still a bit leaking, lol.

 Above: Me! Left: Koffie/coffee! When that thin is full I'm happy!

Doing my stretching excerzises in the morning, stretch you hands as high as you can... Reach your hands to the sky! I'm such a goose sometimes.

There aren't enough days in the weekend. ~Rod Schmidt

There aren't enough days in the weekend. ~Rod Schmidt

There are really enough days in my weekend, three days is more then enough. I really need to find something for in the weekends. Something to do, a place perhaps where I can go every weekend, where I can grab a coffee for example, or join a group of people. Otherwise I will get stuck in this 'lonely feeling.' I need to get out more, I'm searching but it's difficult to find something. I know there are a few things ahead of me these comming months, like a few courses and ofcource the trip to London. But these courses will be over one day and the trip to London aswell. I would like to find something where I can go to every weekend, like for example I'm going to work in the week, that stands. I would like to find something that stands too in the weekends. I'm sure I will succeed finding something.

Today I did what I normally do on Friday, there were two loads of laundry, I did one load and the other load I will do tomorrow. I did most of the groceries aswell, tomorrow the rest. I took my time while shopping, just looking around. The weather was grey and cold, it even rained for a few hours. I like living in the city, the centre is always busy and you see sometimes the weirdest people, I like to observe them sneaky. Sneaky, cause I don't like to stare at people, I'm sure they don't like that too, lol! While shopping I bumped into an old resident from Humanitas aswell. It was Henki, he was the one who helped me with the laminate. We had a nice talk and after that we continued our duties. I surely need to visit him more often, he's a nice guy. He still lives at Humanitas, and to visit him isn't that easy.  

Proccesing... 

Thoughts.... While I had a nap just before lunch I had some thoughts, I always think before I go to sleep. I think mos people do that, thinking a few thoughts before there sleep. Thinking of the the recent day, what has happened and what you been trough, or what the day will bring tomorrow. Or other thoughts, it can be anything. This afternoon a thought flashed trough my mind, I thought a short while about my last two months in Canada..... Again, I know, I really gotta stop thinking or writing about Canada....

Alright... Thinking up loud... Thinking about those last two months I realized that it was a huge overwhelming time what made me go bezerk. It was already busy in our huge house, we sure loved to have people around us, including me. Although it was sometimes just a bit to much. Then I would go for a walk or go to my 'computer/music' room, just to have a little quiet time, the first one who always knocked on my door then was Tasn, lol, bless her! Sometimes I grabbed the two young ones and go for a walk or a bikeride, that was fun too. I think it was July 2010 that we rented out our basement to a 30's year old Mother and her four year old daughter, on top of that a friend of Cle came living with us aswell. The overwhelming feeling went to much, and 'to' isn't good.

Imagine... A big family, five kids and two adults, a mother and a four year old Daughter,plus a 20 year old girl. We had ten people living in our house, although I loved having people around me most of the time, cause I was kinda getting  used to it having people around me, but this? I guess this was just a bit to much. I longed for the quit times when it was just Saf, me and the kids, just like we first met. Ofcource we 'all' had a jolly good time sometimes with ten people, lol, can you imagine? But just that sometimes, ugh! 24 hours a day all eyes on you, looking what your doing, commenting, although it felt like it. In the end I screwed already up before I made a little mistake, lol. The Mother from the four year old child was the worst, it felt like she wanted to control all of us. She was the cuttest, she was the nicest, she was the best, she was the partiest, she became the importantst person in the house, or did it fell like it?

Anyway... In the end it annoyed me, I should have gone out more, meet perhaps other people or find a job, yes! But I guess it was already to late, I felt already annoyed and wished she just would go. Imagine how it felt.  I wasn't happy with her sometimes. Like I said, the overwhelming feelings got worser and worser, I needed to get out more, but I didn't felt like it anymore. I wish I done it!! Saf and I had sometimes words with each other, last year December we had our last one, Saf and I broke up. I stayed for a month cause I needed to arrange a whole lot of stuff, all that plus the suffering and grieving  from the break up, plus 'the cuttest, nicest, bestest,  partiest, Mother' who lived with us and the rest of our family made it sure not so easy for me.And what do you get then? Mistakes, ignorances, missunderstandings, arguess, feeling left out, ect, ect. 


All that, but okay, those last two months happened and I struggled my way trough it. I must say that I had good times aswell in those months, I really had a nice Christmas, and the New Years eve' was fab! It was good that Saf's brother joined us with Christmas, I had a good support on him. Long walks and laughs did me good. Anyway, enough of Canada now, right? I think the time in Canada will always be a part of my life, and I'm sure within time I can only have good memories of my time there. I already have them, but some memories I would rather forget.P.s. Good days are ahead of me!

Happy with the positive nice comments, not that happy with the 'waiting' again.

Happy with the positive nice comments, not that happy with the 'waiting' again.

I said I was and wil be calm the last few days about what I will get to hear from my Boss, but this morning the nerves started a bit. That's normal though right? I already made plans ahead, lol, if the Boss will not continue with me I will pack my bags, say goodbye to the fellow workers and will be heading home or prolly Reha. But in my mind it just couldn't be like that, for sure they want to continue with me. If they don't want to continue then it must be the lack of work and nothing else more. Cause our work lately is low, we need new customers. I worked steady this morning, and  while I was working I watched with one eye to the clock. At 9:00 my Boss will pick me up for the conversation, my Reha counselor will be there aswell.

It was 9:15 and still no one showed up, I worked even harder, lol, nerves! Finally at 9:30 my Boss showed up and took me to her office, my counselor was there and welcomed me, and we all gathered around the table. The conversation went calm, I was calm aswell. In the beginning I got alot of compliments, what did me good. My boss told me that I fitted right in this job and in the fellow workers group, "You are accepted," said my Boss. I do my work well, I pick up things so easily when an other worker explains you something for example. I'm a fast worker aswell, I was growing fast in this job, so many positive things she told me. I was expecting this aswell, cause the Boss told me these positive things before. But at the way my Boss told me all these positive things I already knew what the following line would be.... 

I was actually waiting for the word, "But..." and that word came. My  Boss continued, "We want you in our team, and were trying anything to keep you here, and we still are trying, cause were happy with you." Then the word came, "But, at the moment there is a lack of work, it's already difficult to put our other workers to work, we can't hire you yet." The word 'yet' sounded good, there is still hope. The Boss hopes that within a month or sooner the 'more work' will come. In the meanwhile I  can stay and in the first week of January my Boss, my counselor and me will gather around again for a conversation. I will hope then that there's alot of work. I will keep my fingers crossed in the following weeks, and perhaps pray some prayers.

Akward?

I didn't really expected 'this' in the morning, I thought it would be a stay or a go actually. I was already thinking in the early morning that 'if' I get to hear from my Boss that I can stay, I will thank God an would be thinking, There sure is someone above that have wanted me to have this job, or if  my Boss would have sent me home, I would have been thinking and tell myself, 'God has other plans with me,' this job is prolly not my thing." Okay, but now? Now I can stay but the question is, 'for how long.' What plans has God for  me?' Why the waiting? Time will tell I guess, akward toughts right? Akward thoughts but aswell positive in my eyes.
My Boss told me aswell, that perhaps some old- fellow workers will be going, and then I will fill in that empty place. But she wasn't sure yet, 

This company had alot of resumes from other 'new' workers aswell I heard from my Boss. But they can wait, she told me, I was on top, I was first in line. Pick a number and stand in line... behind me.  Everything sounds positive and that gives a good feeling, I can say to myself that I'm already with one leg in this job, now I will have to wait for that other leg. I aswell asked after our conversation that if I could take two days off in the first week of January, cause of my trip to London. That was no problem, said the Boss. I will take the Monday and the Tuesday off, and will start again on Thursday and Friday. The days off are a bit of a relief, Next week I will start with my first of three whole days of working, I'm positive about it, I can do it. All is good, I will keep up the good work.

"Banana's are good, they keep you healty and fresh."

"Banana's are good, they keep you healty and fresh."

Sometimes it's hard to come up with a good tittle for my next post, sometimes I use the first thing what comes up in my mind. I was eating a banana and there it go... Hahaha! It's 3:35 pm and I'm still in my pyma pants, just love it. There's actually not many people who could see me, and if they could, lol, who care's. Just enjoyning my day off, I didn't even went outside. It's grey and cold. But within a hour I will have to put some decent clothes on, cause then I will be on my way to the free dinner. Let's see what they have prepaired now, it's always good though. No complaining here.  

There isn't much to do lately, mostly everything is settled financially. A few months ago with my days off I always had to arrange something, or I had to confirm with a insurance, or I had to make copies of this or that, or I had a appointment here or there, ect. There a still a few little things what has to be done but that can wait, there's no rush with those little things. And ofcource there will always be new things, I would like to fix or solve those new things by my myself without any help. I got some help with ussurances or appointments what needed to be done or had to be arranged, mostly I did it myself but with some help. Now I wanted to do it without help. Cause there comes a time I will HAVE to do it on my own.

Well, tomorrow is the day... Tomorrow I prolly will get to hear if I can stay with my Boss or not. Am I nervous? Not really actually, I'm calm and ready for what they will say. Ofcource I wikll jump a hole inn the sky when the Boss will say, "We want to continue with you. But if they will say, "Were sorry, we don't continue with you,"I will be calm aswell, not happy and a bit angry ofcource, but calm aswell. I will just take as it is. I have a good feeling about it though, it's not 50, 50, it's more like 80 procent for a yes, and 20 procent for a no. So yeah, actually it would feel weird when they will say, "No."  


Alright of to the free dinner! I'm looking forward to it!

"Just a Tuesday."

"Just a Tuesday." 

It's been a nice day at work, I worked well. There wasn't much to do, but still we worked all hard. Although the nice day at work, I'm looking forward to tomorrow's day off. I'm exhausted and my muscles hurt, this afternoon I guess I worked a bit to hard. I needed to use all my strenght to get a few rubbers into roll-up brush mats. Usually we put brushes into the mats, but we aswell have mats with rubber. Brushes are easy to put in the mats, but rubber is hell to put in. We use a akward tool to put the ruber into those mats, a pizza cutter, lol. 

The picture isn't so clear, but I hope you get the idea. To put the rubber in the mat we use a special kinda glew and the pizza cutter, the sides of the rubber has a little opening and the sharp wheel of the pizza cutter fits perfectly in that opening. Then you push the rubber down into the mat, sounds easy but you have start rolling with the pizza cutter. You really need to use some strenght to get that rubber into that mat, I had it after fibe mats, The fifth mat was my last one anyway, I was done. Pffeeeww and ouch. I couldn't do this work a whole day, it's exhausted work. I will have to take it easy anyway if I wanna keep this job. Otherwise I will break up.

My Boss and the company wants me to work for three whole days, cause working half days just don't work there. We have machines that are constant in action, we produce alot of mats and brushes. The production is almost like a assembly line or how you call it. Every fellow worker has his or her duty, if one worker falls out the production stands kinda still. So, if I work a half day and I will leave at noon, the production stands still aswell. If I stay and work a whole day, it's good. Cause I will go home with every one else then.

Next week I will start with three whole days, this week it will be my last week that I worked for two whole days and one half day. My planning is to work Monday a whole day, Tuesday a whole day and Thursday a whole day. Would be nice cause I will have a nice long weekend then, but Monday a whole day plus Tuesday a whole day, that's two whole days right after each other, that's gonna be tough. But I will try it. If it doesn't work then I will change my schedule, I thought about working then Monday a whole day, Tuesday a day off, rest! Then Wednesday a whole day, Thursday a day off, rest! And last but not least Friday a whole day, then weekend, two day rest! I'm sure it will work out.

Remember that you are needed. There is at least one important work to be done that will not be done unless you do it.

Remember that you are needed. There is at least one important work to be done that will not be done unless you do it.

So, Thursday U will get to hear if the company where I work will hire me yes or no. Eeek! Oh yeah there is a little 'eeek' and a little worry, but that's normal I guess. The three months of testing are almost over, Thursday my counselor from Reha, me and my Boss wil lhave a  talk. A important talk! I will get a contract for a year if they hire me, and after that year I will prolly get another year, and another year. My thoughts about Thursday are good, actually it should be weird when they don't hire me. Cause I get nothing but compliments, I'm doing my work well without complains. Ofcource in the beginning there were a few little mistakes, but that's normal with a new job.

If the company hires me my counselor from Reha will still be following me on the background for half a year, and after that half year it's done. I will be standing on my own feet, on the background will be my new Boss then. Writing about this now makes me a little bit nerves for Thursday, lol so , I will keep it short. I like the work what I'm doing, I'm growing in this job and not only with the work I do. I have nice fellow workers, they come up to me for a little chat or they wave at me. That gives a comfy feeling, and makes me feel good. The good feeling I see back in my work, and I'm doing already a good job. In other words "I WANT THIS JOB!" I think there wont be many companies who hire people for only half days or just three whole days in the week. I'm really lucky that I'm working here and get the oppurtunity to work for this company.

Today work went fine aswell, gosh I still remember my first day at work there. I litterly had to be pushed to say, "Yes, okay, I will try this job." I had two counselors and my Boss pushing me and giving me good vibes, it was just fear, anxiousness, you know, new job, new people. I learned alot in the last months, and that's a nice feeling. So again, "I WANT  THIS JOB!" 

Fog! 


Dislike the weather the last few days, there's so much fog outside, I don't even know where this all come from. It's extremely, sure we have sometimes  a foggy day, but this? No. There was already a terrible axcident last weekend, just across the border from Holland to Germany. It's not even that far from here. Three people were killed and 35 injured in a massive pile-up collision on a fog-covered highway police said. The crash involved 52 vehicles on Friday night near the city of Muenster. That's scary when you think of it, it makes you realize that fog can be dangerous, more then you expect actually. And the fog will be staying for a couple a days, so said the weather forecast. Gotta be carefull!

Another day in the city...

"Pyama pants and three cups of tea."

"Pyama pants and three cups of tea." 

Sundays are best for resting and relaxing, I spent the whole day in my pyama pants. I felt better then yesterday. I searched further for things to do, it's not that easy though. But I'm sure good things will come ahead, I'm positive. Yesterday I told about the sketching and painting course, this course has twelve lessons and will cost me 175 Euro. I have to take care of the painting and sketching material myself, meaning I will have to buy the material. That's okay, for the same reason I will love it and will practize my sketching skills at home. The course will start next year in Frebruary, I'm sure I will be there.

While searching for 'things' I came up with things what I did in the past what I liked, I sure could pick those things up again. In the past I went for example to thyroid-patients meetings. Once a month I went there and it was fun. There was a crew who are thyroid patients by them selves, they gave advice or were a listlening ear to other thyroid patients who came to the meeting. It's been such a long time since I have been to such a meeting, I don't even know if the meetings are still going on, re-search will give a solution. And the sauna visits, that I did aswell alot, every weekend on a Sunday you could find me there. Usually I saw the same people, but that didn't matter, that made it more comfy. So, second on the list, the sauna!

I think there's lots to do, but I will have to search for it. If it's good then this comming week there will be a little magazine comming out from the cityhall here in this city. That magazine will be full of courses and other things to do, I'm looking forward to that magazine. And the good news is that 'social serveses'  (where I get a part of my monthly money from) will pay a extra 150 Euro if you follow a course from that magazine, woot! Nice! Every once a year social serveses gives people with a low budget a small extra sum of money, when they wanna follow a course or want to do some other activity what they can afford. Sounds good to me! See, there's enough to do. Meeting other people will do me good.

Sunday! Today I did a few things, cleaned all the floors, tumbled a litte laundry, and relaxed. I really took my time, took a long shower and had a few naps. That was it actually. Tomorrow I will be working a half day, and at 3 pm I will get two visiters. My counselor from Reha and my 'normal' counselor are comming, just to hear how it goes with work and we will be talking about how it will go further with my work. Aswell a little prepairing for my conversation this comming Thursday, with my Boss and my counselor from Reha. Then we will be talking aswell how it goes with me with work and prolly how 'we' are going further with work. Am I nervous? No, not at all. Looking forward to it!

"The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal."

"The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal."

I think the scars will be there always, sometimes I don't feel them and sometimes I do feel them. It's kinda akward though, when I'm feeling good and happy and  ask myself then, "Where is your lonely and sad feeling now," I can't answer it. Akward! It's been a okay day today with some ups and downs, being to long in a 'feeling down' moment is not good. It will get worser if I don't accept the 'down' moment. I will start to think then and the bad and sad thoughts will take over, I accepted the 'down' moment and I felt a bit better later this day.

This day started good, I did a bit of cleaning and folded some laundry. I wrote down what needed to be done, it wasn't that much. I still need to do some floor cleaning trough the house, but that can wait till Sunday. The last grocery I had to do today, I decided to go to two supermarkets. One supermarket had the bread cheaper then the other one, When I'm done with supermarket one I will bring the groceries towards home and then go to supermarket two, lol.  While I was on my way I decided to enjoy myself and take my time, the 'feeling down' moment slowly started. 

I kinda realized that I really need to find more people around me or more things to do in the weekend, like I said in my post from yesterday, I need more people around me, be with people, communicate, more things to do, etc, etc. Sure I like it aswell to be on my own so now and then, I need that so now and then aswell, but I don't want to make it a habbit. Otherwise I will fall into my old 'me,' the one I was before I went to Canada, and I don't want that. I find that a good and awesome thought. Before I did my grocery I went to a pharmacey aswell, I needed some shower articles. The pharmacey was in a busy crowded shopping street, it's always busy there, specially on Saturday.

While I was walking I saw kids walking with there dad's and I saw couples in love, 'that' made my 'down' moment stronger. I thought back at my time in Canada, I went many times with Saf shopping and we had mostly the two youngest kids with us. The 'missing that' feeling started, thinking back that I walked with Tasn many times and that I once commanded her to stay on the pavement, or that I had Ab on my arm again cause he was tired. I missed being a Father, The two youngest ones and me did so many things together. Or it was just me and Saf, we were out in town and had laughs and fun. I surely do want that back, being a jolly good time Husband or being a Father, having the responsibility over the kids, or both. 

After my groceries back home I felt a bit better, I did my shopping 'that' made my 'thoughts' change, I was getting distracted and accepted the 'down' moment. But I know that some kinda things has to change, I need to get out more, specially in the weekends. I will not haste it though, I don't want to pressure myself, cause that wont work. It's like, I WANT to get out more, and it's not like I MUST get out more. My counselor told me aswell that I should find more people around me, he told me that he would like to see that I did some work according to get some more people around me at his next visit. Well, I like that, and I found two things that I could do.... 

I found two cursusses and they will start in Frebruary next year, it's a start. There's one cursus where they will learn you how to sketch and paint, art and stuff, sounds good. The second cursus is about learning being yourself. They teach you how to be assertive and to stand up for yourself. Like I said it's just a start, I sure will search further with 'some things to do.' I'm feeling a bit better now, it was just one of the days I guess. Looking forward I see that I have work, and that I have three free dinners in the week, plus the trip to london is comming soon. I should not even feel loney. I'm on my way, I'm moving forward, there's more to come. 

Days like these or moments like these will always be there, sometimes short sometimes long, sometimes tough, and sometimes light. I will accept it.

Insert post tittle.

Insert post tittle.

It wasn't so cold today, I noticed that when I went to get some groceries. It's 8 degrees above zero and grey with a little flake of sunshine. Nice weather, and no 'horror' winter yet as the weatherforecast forspelled. But it's still can come, were still in November. Today my counselor dropped by as a suprise, I didn't expect he would drop by. He called me yesterday telling me that he will come this morning. Nothing important, just a little visit to see how it was going with me. We went trough some things what still had to be done. Yeah, I'm not there yet, lol.


I told him that I'm a bit worried about my money, this is my second week that I will take it (very) easy with my money. My counselor said that taking it easy with the money is quit okay, but the worrying need to stop. Easier said then done, lol. But it felt good that he gave me a few tips and that he told me to stop worry, there is no need to worry. One of the tips he gave me was that I should make a kind of a balance with my money, or how you call it. I should write down on a piece of paper what comes in and what goes out, or what I earn and what I have to pay. For example, on the left or right side of the paper  I write down all my earnings and incommings from every month, and next to that I write all what I have to pay every month. 


Now I can see what goes and what comes in, so I can make a sort of a balance. And then? Well, I still need to figure it out aswell though, lol, but so far? This is all I know. I think Sunday is a perfect day to brainstorm on this tip from my counselor. If it goes good I can figure out what I hold over in the month what I can use for myself, for example for grocery or clothing or just other nice stuff. It could be quit handy, I never used it though, I'm always carefull with my money. But what I have learned this year is that it's sure okay sometimes to be NOT that easy with my money, don't  overreact it. It's okay, I don't have to have 8, or 9.000 on my account for example, the important thing is that I get by with my money and that I can enjoy myself with it too.

I'm not gonna save it though either, I'm not gonna save for later. Tomorrow it can all be over, so, enjoy! Enjoy but do it gentle, lol. My counselor and I talked aswell about having 'contacts,' meaning that I have to go out and meet people, join a gym or a club, or whatever, be under the people. That was one of my goals too when I still lived at Humanitas. My goals were, finding a house, getting a proper job, travel, and see people, communicate. Perhaps finding new friends. Ofcource I have work and I see people there, but that's different. Ofcource I go out sometimes, to flea-markets or I'm having a day out but that too is different. Sure it's good too that I enjoy myself, but it's good for me aswell that I for example walk into a gym and ask them, "What is going on here? How can I join this gym?" 


That was just a example, it's difficult to explain this. Let's try again, lol, I would like to have something to do 'with' people. Let's say that I go for example on a Sunday to a cursus learning how to sing or cook or perhaps dance or whatever, just to be under the people, have fun and communicate, I might even make new friends. I sometimes still have that little fear to walk into a building, and ask for things. That fear was strong when I was a little kid, slowly when I got older it vanished. But still so now and then it comes back, depands of where I have to go ofcource. This year and aswell my years in Canada I had to go sometimes in buildings, there was no turning back, sometimes I really had too, that learned me how to copy with the fears I still had. 

Specially this year, I have seen so many community buildings from the inside, and I had to ask so many difficult questioins to 'important' people. That was a good lesson, I want to keep that up, the goal to meet other people and join a gym or a cursus will surely help me aswell with keeping away the fear that I had. I have changed and I like the way I changed, I would like to keep that. It's all good! I like my goals.Alright, tonight a fellow worker from work will visit me for a short while, he's the one who came at the same time with me working, he came aswell from Reha. His name is Jeffrey, he's a nice guy. He was always bored in the weekends, so I invited him. Nice!