"That's settled!"

"That's settled!" 

I had much to do today, I had a plan, lol. But forgetting one thing at a grocery store in my Dad's village screwed the whole plan up. The plan today was to go in the morning to my Dad and have a little talk with Dad's guiding nurse and in the afternoon the second part of the Spring cleaning, but I forgot the all cleaner! I had my hands full with one bag of groceries and going back to the store was not really a option, I was tired and sleepy aswell. Going to another store wasn't a option either, they see me already comming with a full bag of groceries. I planned (before I forgot the all cleaner) to do my groceries in my Dad's village while I'm on my way to the trainstation. It would have been good, so I was done with the groceries and could start with the cleaning. But no! What a drama, hahaha!

The store where I went to wasn't a good one either, they didn't have half the groceries I needed and it was busy. I bought most of my groceries, besides the all cleaner, lol, (forgot!) and went to the train. I nearly fell asleep in the train, and the grocery bag was heavy, never that again. When I got home I made lunch, and went for a long nap. I decided to rest and just before dinner I will do the rest of my groceries. So at 4:30 I took off, bought my last groceries and when I got home I prepaired dinner. No, this time I didn't forget all cleaner, lol. I bought a nice big bottle, smells like lemon. So all the groceries are inside, tomorrow will be a cleaning day, all day. I will stick with that plan, lol. Music blasting is a must tomorrow.

The appointment with Dad's nurse went well, what a nice friendly lady. A bit of a akward feeling though, cause usually I walk straight to Dad's room, but not now. The nurse and I walked towards her office, her office was almost next to my Dad's room, lol. My Dad has always the door open, always! And when I say open I mean wide open. This time he had the door open aswell, he couldn't see me though cause two doors before my dad's room was the office where we went too. When we sat down I told her my story and what I wanted, I also told the nurse about my Aunt a bit. It wasn't really gossiping but just informing the nurse about her. The nurse laughed and was stunned when I told her that my Aunt told me that with every time I visit my Dad the nurses are  writtin it down, like they keep a score.

"We don't do such things," the nurse laughed. The conversation went well, I informed her about me and I asked her about my Dad, like how he is doing and what is going on with her. My Dad is on a waiting list for another section from where he lives now, in that section are living people who are disabled and slightly dement. The room what he will get  will be a bit smaller then he has now, I told the nurse that I would like that they didn't take to much from him, he's attatched to his things, like his TV and lazy chair or the things what reminds him from the past, and ofcource the things what reminds him from Mom, pictures, paintings, ect, ect. Aswell the things what he usually does during the days, for example, his daily dinner with the residents, or the bingo once a week. 

My Dad is someone who really needs to to get used to another situation or a new environment, just like me, lol. The nurse told me that that wasn't a thing to worry about, most of those things he will keep. I can aswell just visit him whenever I want, and I will. The new section where my Dad will go to will be his last moving said the nurse, it sounded a bit hard or harsh, but it's the way it is. My Dad will turn 75 this year, he might look weak and fragile but he's a strong guy aswell, with such a tiny heart, this afternoon he cried with a episode of Ophra Winfrey, lol. Now, my Aunt will stay to be the first one one on the list if there's news about my Dad, or if he needs something, when there's a meetinmg, or whatever. But I will be next to my Aunt, I also will be the first one, informed the nurse. 

I gave the nurse my cellphone number my adress plus my email adress, "I will inform you when there's news about your Dad trough email," said the nurse. "That's perfect!" I replied. After the conversation I went to my Dad, two doors further, lol. Dad said,"Where were you now?" Dad saw me comming from outside, and thought that I would come for him, but first I had a appointment with Dad's nurse, lol. Dad looked good, new blouse, new haircut, so short, lol. It reminded me that I had it that short when I still lived with him and that my Dad complained about it, now he has it super short. I love you Dad!! Funny was the moment that my Aunt called me two times when I returned from Dad's place, I didn't answer.... I didn't feel to....

So long warm weather, see you soon, I hope!

So long warm weather, see you soon, I hope!
The tempature went down by ten degrees today, from 18 to 8 degrees. There was a strong cold wind aswell, after the free dinner I came home took of my working clothes and putted on my daily comfy clothes. But it wasn't enough to warm me up, I needed a sweater and I turned the heater on. A thicker blanket for the night was needed too. The weather forecast forspelled freezing aswell during the nights, insane! I might put on my wintercoat again tomorrow.
 

It's been a nice day at work, just as always. All the orders were done for this week, it's all good. Lately I hear alot of complaining in the cantine from the fellow workers. It seems the workers are not on the same line with the people on the office, or better with our two Bosses. Complaines about the orders we get and the free days off, ect, ect. Oh well, I think every factory has always something to complain. In the end we all can laugh it away with jokes here and there. I'm not worried. 

Tomorrow is the day that I'm gonna visit my Dad's guiding nurse, like I said last week, I would like to get things straight again between my Dad, his nurse, and... my Aunt. I would like to get more involved when it comes to my Dad, I want to be the first to hear if somethings going on with him, and not my Aunt. I want to be involved when there's a meeting involving my Dad, his doctor or counselor, tomorrow I will have a talk with Dad's nurse like I said, she will meet me at Dad's place, nervous? Naah, not really. Just getting a few things straight, and getting to know how it is with Dad at his place, asking for information, ect, ect. 


Three days off... yes!! Gonna make a second start of my Spring cleaning.

Spring cleaning has started, yay and a sigh!

Spring cleaning has started, yay and a sigh! 

I decided to make a little start with my Spring cleaning today, starting with the hallway. I cleaned all the doors and the many windows, windows, sigh, I have so many of them. I never could have finnished the whole house in one day, I will take it easy and do it on my days off. I felt tired aswell today, I took two naps and slept deep. I'm sure I will go to bed early tonight, while I'm writing this I feel tired and sleepy aswell. Again it's been a gorgeous day, I think it was one of the warmest days we had so far from this year. 

Tomorrow will be a bit cooler, kinda feels a bit better I guess, the last 6, 7 days has been warm, prolly to warm for the time of year. Recently I noticed that I would like to have more "normal" people around me, with "normal" I mean no homeless people, no ol' Humanitas residents, I'm a bit done with them. Maybe it's because I'm  getting to know a bit more "normal" people now while I'm having a job. It's clearly to me, the fellow workers where I work with are actually the opposite of the people where I have the free dinners with, aka the homeless people and the ol' Humanitas residents. 


At the free dinners I see and meet the ol' residents, well a few of them, but there are also the homeless people, always the same crowd. Sometimes drunk, sometimes violent, sometimes loud, I feel so now and then ashamed, unsafe, angry, and scared.The ol'residents where I lived with aren't sometimes sweethearts aswell, you can't really trust them. The're still living at Humanitas, it's sometimes the attitude what I dislike. 

Sure I had a good time with them, and still we have sometimes a good time with laughs and nice talks, but there is aswell drama and violence around them too so now and then. They aren't really my kinda people, I'm different in my attitude, I have heard that aswell from the ol'residents. I think within a year I will be surounded by other people, just my feelings, I don't know. I will work on it aswell, I'm still searching for other vollunteers work. 


It's been a nice day off.

Nice day at work plus a nice visit in the evening.

Nice day at work plus a nice visit in the evening. 

When I got back from work I went on Facebook to read the last updates, I saw that someone sent me a message aswell. The message was from Ina, she wanted to come for a visit and plus a cuppa coffee. Ina? Yes, Ina from Humanitas. When I lived at Humanitas last year, I had a little so called very short relationship with Ina. Let's say the resdients tried to get us together for a date, but that went a bit wrong, lol. It was  a bit of a fail, a one night stand? Not even!!  In short, some of my friends from Humanitas tried to push Ina and me for a date. In the end of the day we had a little dinner together and ended up in her room. We had fun, laughs and talked alot, then when she tried to kiss me I stopped her after 60 seconds, I wasn'ty ready for kissing or more.

I liked her attention, and I liked her arm around me, but that was it. Perhaps it was just a flirt or a having a 'fun' evening in her eyes, but I wasn't ready for such thing. I cried a bit and she aswell, let's say it's been a long day for both of us, and it was just a akward evening.  I guess I kinda fell in love, or it was just that I missed that arm around me from a woman, or... I don´t know. I really liked her attention. But the kiss? No! After Humanitas Ina started living on her own again with her Son and Daughter. I was already gone for a few weeks. Just before I had a house again Ina told me that she would visit me, to see how I was doing. It's been a long time but tonight finally she visited me, I so didn't expect it! I was kinda nervous aswell, but the visit went fine. 

We had a fun night and talked alot. Oh my she can talk. Ina stayed for three hours. She is very open, she does not really  think before she speak, Ina just throws it all out, LOL. She is busy and here and there a bit hyper. We get along quit well, Ina is friendly. She even wanted to help me with buying curtains or even make them. Is Ina my type? No! We are totally different from each other, she talks alot, I do not, she´s hyper, I am  calm. I think if we were one week together we will go bezerk from each other, lol.  Though I do not mind when she comes for a visit so now and then, Ina is friendly and open. Different then the other people I know from Humanitas.

Today at work day was good, my second Boss who gives me duties and teaches me things wasn´t there, he had a day off. It was just me in our section and a few more.... I thought. But the other few had to go elswhere in the factortyy, I was alone. But I knew what I had to do, and I knew what had to be done today. A few huge mats had to be done today and a few other smaller mats, it was alot of work but I managed. it went all well, considering it was my first time alone. I can be proud of myself, I was busy and the time flew by. A nice productive working day. Tomorow is my day off, it is needed, I will take my rest.

Life is good at the moment!

Life is good at the moment! 

I had a nice day at work, it was productive and fun. At our section we were with three workers like usual. We had a challenging new order brought in this morning, a few huge mats had to be made, and had to be done on Wednesday. The mats what had to be made were huge, and akward to make. Tomorrow one of the three of us has a day off, so tomorrow we will be even bussier. It's fine with me, I love it actually, bring it on! No worry though, I keep it steady and keep an eye on my energy.

It was another warm day today, only in the morning and evenings it cools down, not that I have to turn ther heater on but just a bit colder.Later in the week we will get rain and the tempatures go down a bit. I love it when it's not that dark in the mornings when I ride towards work, it's so much nicer then when it's totally dark. Away with the dark days, bring on the lighter days. I'm excited about Spring and Summer.

I had two e-mails today, they were from my booked trip to Prague. One was the confirming that I booked the trip oficially and two was the fracture, or how you call it. On the last one was also written how you can pay, I can pay right away online and that's what I like. Getting it done rigfht away, no waiting. I have the money now, so. Well, that's it actually for today, it's a short post I know, A good day, lots of sunshine, good vibes and feeling good.

Booked my trip for the Summer vacation!

Booked my trip for the Summer vacation! 

It was one of my goals to travel more, go out, explore and see things, I wanted to go on a trip this year, no matter what! Well, I searched and searched, and doubted and doubted. Almost on every trip my wallet said, "No!" The trips I really liked were to expensive, I can't afford it. Uhm, well maybe I can, but I think it's better to wait a year or maybe two years. Excursion trips with a plane are to expensive for now, even Spain, Italy, Greece, or Portugal, to name a few are so expensive. I would like to have a trip towards sunny weather, beaches and lots of sightseeings, but I decieded not to, it's to expensive.Maybe next year!

First I was looking for trips under 500 Euro, but if I started with ordering them the price was getting higher and higher, even trips under 400 Euro were just to much. Under 300 Euro were more acceptable, but the trips weren't that much. Trips to Germany, Belgium and even Holland, no, that's not what I was searching for. I decided to pick the excursion trip to Prague, it's a 8 days trip in the middle of my Summer vacvation, perfect! The 3rd of August I will be heading off and will return on the 10th off August, I have no clue what to expect cause I never been in Prague. Funny is that this company is the same company where I went with to London. 

Prague here I come!

I figured that this company was easy with booking cause I done it before, so I know what to expect. I will travel by bus, cause this company does everything by bus. I have been searching alot the last few months for other cheap trips, and aswell other companies. That wasn't easy so in the end I went back to 'Effe weg,' the company where I traveled with before. Why did I choose for Prague, I choosed from more then 30 excursion trips, the ones above 400 Euro I skipped, left overs were Prague, Germany and Venice. Venice was in the end to expensive and Germany, I don't know, I can be in 30 minutes in Germany with a train, so no Germany. If I want to go on a vacation I want to go far away. So, Prague it was.

I red trough the trip what we all gonna do in the 8 days, and I liked it, the 'things to see and to do' were better then the Germany and Venice trip. I like city trips, I like to see old buildings and historical things, or how you call it. Lol, anything for a good picture, right? There will be alot to see, I'm quit excited. But not that excited as I was when I went to London. Maybe it's a good sign. I will start saving now..! Today was another gorgeous day, though I didn't went outside. I rested and relaxed. I did one load of laundry and that was it. I'm thinking of to do a spring cleaning soon, starting with cleaning the windows. there so many of them. 

The bus from 'Effe weg.'

 It's warm in the house, not that weird cause the sun was burning strongly trough my windows today. I had the sunscreen down but still it was warm, it was only 18 degrees, how warm will it be when it's Summer with 28 or 30 degrees? Yikes! The few rooms I have need air, the sun today gave a bit of a muffy smell in here. Perhaps I need to open a  window during the night, I hope the musquito's stay out then. I could need some musquito screens in the house, fresh air is good! So yeah, a spring clean, musquito screens and perhaps dark curtains for the sun, all needed for the Summer.

Another gorgeous day!

Another gorgeous day! 

It's almost crazy, today was more then 19 degrees! A month ago they still talked about ice-skating and frost, and now most people are walking in summer shirts and t-shirts. Not me, I putted a thinner shirt and just a jeans plus a coat. I will wear the short and t-shirt when it's 25 degrees or more. I felt sleepy today, and I wasn't the only one, lol. My Dad was sleepy too. I visited him in the early afternoon. 

Just before I took of I had a nap and made some lunch, dad was aleeping in his chair when I came. I had the idea from my counselor still in my head, 'walking around the block with my Dad, with a wheelchair.' I asked him a few times but he didn't felt too, I could she he was sleepy. Oh well, maybe next time. Dad fell in sleep several times during my vist, lol. I must have been the warm weather, I could use another nap too. 

I stayed for a short 45 minutes, then I left. I know it's short but okay, I thought that he would come for the 'wheelchair walk, but no. It's fine. I walked pass  the farm lands when I headed back to the trainstation, beside my Dad's place are alot of farm lands with horses and pony's, it's nice to walk trough and take some pictures. There was this little girl with his Dad feeding the pony's, it reminded me when I, Safa and Ab walked here a few times to visit my Dad. 

Sad thoughts? Naah, just a bit but mostly good memories. I can't turn back the time, and I it's fine. The little girl had 2 plain sandwiches for the horses and feeded it to the horses, I stood beside her and saw the pony eating the plain sandwisches in one bite. The girl looked at her Dad and said, "Dad, the bread is finnished." lol, I told the girl, "You should try smaller pieces next time." After the farm lands I headed back to the train station. 

I was graving for a ice-cream, lol. but had to walk a bit fast cause otherwise I would miss the train. I will buy one when I get home I thought. And so I did, I bought package of icecream, six icecreams in one package, lol. I bought strawberries aswell. I walked in the grocery store and saw them, looked at the price and thought, 'your sold!' At home I took a nap and aftrwards I started dinner, it's gonna be a short night, the clocks in Holland will be going one hour forward. Finally Springtime!

A good start...

A good start.

The good news from today is that I had a response back from the eldery place where my Dad lives, I sent a e-mail yesterday to the eldery place cause I would really like a talk with the nurse who takes care of my Dad, or the one who goes about my Dad in that eldery place. I want to be more involved if it comes to my Dad, for example, if he's sick, I would like to know if he needs something or when he's going to be replaced, I would like to know. I want to discus or decide too when it comes to my Dad, for a (to) long time it has been my Aunt who arranged everything or gets the latest news first from my Dad first, I always come second place. The eldery place, my Aunt and I made a agreement about this though before I went to Canada. My Aunt and Uncle make the desicions when it comes to my Dad together with staff from the eoldery place, if there's news my Aunt gets to know it first and then me.

I guess you know by now how my Aunt is, gossiping, nagging and b@llsh!tt!ng. It's never good what I do, and the 'wrong' gossips about me go all to the other family members includding the eldery place. That is gonna stop now, I want to work on this and change all of that. So, I had a e-mail back from my Dad's nurse who arranges everything for my Dad, she knows everything what has been done and what needs to be done if it comes to my Dad, next Friday I will have a talk with her alone. The e-mail back suprised me cause it went so fast, I thought it would be such a struggle to get in contact with my Dad's nurse. I'm excited to go but aswell a bit nervous, prolly my Aunt will come to know this, and I'm a bit nerves cause of what I will get to hear from Dad's nurse. But yeah, I made a start, and I'm proud I did. Tomorrow I will go to my Dad for a visit. 

I hope the weather will be as good as today, today was extremely warm for the time of year. 18 degrees and lots, lots of sunshine. I took my bicycle and went for a long ride, I took some pictures and at last I did my weekly groceries. Before the groceries I went to the children's farm in the city, the animals were out and I took some pictures, always a nice visit. My counselor came aswell today in the morning, I told him about my plan about Dad, and he thought it was a good idea, my counselor knows aswell about my grumpy Aunt. He came with some good ideas aswell, he told me, "Why don't you go for a walk with your Dad tomorrow, grab a wheelchair and go around the block with him," great idea. It's I think easy to get a wheelchair at my Dad's place and yeah, whey not go for a walk. Near my Dad's place is a very nice forest where we can go to. I will see tomorrow...

''A change is gonna come."

''A change is gonna come."

Last night my Aunt called again, and you prolly know how that went, 'nag, nag and nag.' Though she liked it that I have a working contract. But further it went like this, 'We are the only ones who visit your Dad.' 'You and Dad were never great talkers.' 'Going to Canada was really stupid, your Dad was so sad about it, it really hurted him.' 'We are the only ones who help Dad out.' ect, ect, and ect. Not really a nice conversation trough the phone just before bedtime. My Dad had a few appointments with his counselor and his Doctor, cause Dad will prolly be moving to another area in the place where he lives. In that place he will get more care, but what worries me a bit is that that place is awell a place for disabled people. People who need more care, people who are slightly a bit crazy or demend. It's sure is not a happy place to be for my Dad.Ofcource my Aunt was at the appointment aswell. 


I have to say though that it's written in my Dad's "contract," that my Aunt and Uncle decide what to do if it comes to Dad. For example, if Dad need new clothing my Aunt and Uncle will buy them for him, or when somethinmg happened with Dad then my Aunt and Uncle will get a call or message from the eldery place first, my Aunt will inform me then. Another example, when now my Dad prolly goes to that 'other' area my Aunt and Uncle will decide together with my Dad's counselor and doctor if that's good for him yes or no. Now, I actually made a agreement that my Aunt and Uncle make these decisions just before I went to Canada, cause someone from the Family had to do it. The agreement was a relief so I wouldn't have to worry about my Dad while I was in Canada, I planned to stay for a very long time in Canada. Trust me, THAT was a hard desicion aswell, to leave my Dad for such a long time. That was a though time................

Now I'm back from Canada, and the 'agreement' still counts, my Aunt and Uncle make the desicions over my Dad when it's needed. And now THAT I would love to change a bit, why? Cause I don't like the 'nagging'of my Aunt anymore, it's more then enough, I'm so done with her. She talks alot of  b@llsh!t towards me, and not only me, she sometimes gossips this b@llsh!t aswell to the family and to my Dad's counselor and Dad's docter. I see it all infront of me now when I write about it. Ofcource I get sometimes these strange looks from the nurses at Dad's place, they know me now, thanks Aunt. If you have a question over my Family, ask my Aunt she knows all and she wants to know all, plus they tell her all aswell cause she's so caring and nice. I'm not gonna fall for it again, I'm not gonna let her talk down on me again. I want to change a few things, and I'm gonna work on it.

If there's something going on with Dad, I would like to know or hear it from the eldery place, straight to me. If there has to be made a decision about Dad, I want to be a part of the desicion aswell, I want to sit around that table too to talk and decide aswell. I will visit my Dad once a week, I will show my face weekly. Fact: When I visit my Dad the staff from Dad's eldery place writes it down according to my Aunt! Do they keep a score aswell? Or was it a idea or desicion from my Aunt? I would like to change a few things, I already sent a e-mail to the eldery place. First I want a talk with the sister who takes care of my Dad, or the one who goes about my Dad in that eldery place. I will talk with her or him and tell him my story and tell him or her what I would like. A change! My Dad is getting old, he might not be here any longer. That's ONE of the reason I'm doing this. On one thing I agree with my Aunt, I have to visit him more often. 

Though the reason why I can't visit him that often is because I'm busy with alot of things, I work aswell. Me getting a real job was one of my Dad's wishes for such a long , long time. I'm still suffering from my visit to Canada, with suffering I mean, the payments and the 'building up my life,' I had a very busy year behind me. I was homeless , there werel lots of arrangements, I was searching for a roof over my head, I needed to get a house, getting usurances, getting money and a job, ect, ect. Most of this is almost done, but were not there yet. So when there asking my Dad where Sjon is, he tells them, he doesn't have time for me. That's what I meant with the gossiping and b@llsh!tting from my Aunt, she doesnt tell the truth. That's gonna change now. It will be my Dad, me and the people from the eldery place in my eyes now. Sure the desiccions will still be made by my Aunt and Uncle, that's fine, but includding me alot more!

Mothers!!

Mothers!! 

I see lately alot of suffering and sadness among my friends on Facebook, I am talking about my female friends. They are very dear to me, they stood next to me while I have been suffering and was down in the dumps. I do not like it when they are suffering or feels sad or bad, or being quiet. There for I would like place this poem that I found for my female friends, it is called Mothers...

Mothers!

We come in all, Creeds and colors, And we are special, Because we are mothers.

We labor long, And free of charge, Mothering, it lives within our hearts

Our jobs are many, So we multitask, To find the answers, To every question asked

It's the hardest thing, In life to do, Raising children, Without a clue.

No guides, no maps, No magic wand, Just instinct and God, Leading us on.

Everyday in motherland is brand new, And good ole' advice, just comes to you

We wipe their tears, We ease their pain, As they confront confusion, We make it plain

There's nothing else, We'd rather see, Than our kids grow up, With stability

And in the end, We will recall, The joy we've had, Answering this call

Giving life, Nurturing and being there, Protecting our young, With wisdom and care. 

Colleen Kuhns, Sharon Savoy, Nathalie Van Welle, Jana Zain, Anisah Haynes, Ka´milla Mathis, Carolyn Mullis Singh, Iman William, I love you all and have respect for you all!!

What a gorgeous weather!

What a gorgeous weather! 

it was 16 degrees today, and tomorrow it will be even warmer! I saw people walking and riding there bikes in shorth or t-shirts, it was busy in the centre of the city, even the ice-cream shops were open again. Spring has certainly began! Still I have a sore neck, the medication helps a bit. In the morning it's the worst, my neck feels stiff and painfull then. Movement helps a bit, I realized that on the end of the day, but hey! It's my rest day, so rest I will.

I rested alot this morning, I took to naps, and my snoring woke me up, lol! I never knew I snored! In the afternoon I jumped on my bike and drove of to another city, Wierden! Wierden is a village where I use to live when I was a kid, Mom was born there. I planned to go to a second hand store, just to look around. I'm still looking for a nicer tv-cabinet, my coffee table and tv-cabinet don't match with each other. Different colors and different material made me decide to buy one day another (second hand) tv-cabinet. Perfectionist! haha!

It was a nice bike ride to Wierden, nice weather, 16 degrees and lots of sunshine. At the second hand store I bought a working pants, lol, also a thing I really need, working clothes! The pants only costed 4 Euro. From there I biked slowly to my own city again, the free dinner was waiting. I took my time cause I had plenty. Enjoyed the weather and looked at the people who aswell enjoyed this sunny day. It was not so busy with dinner, perhaps becasuse of the nice weather. I headed home afterwards and bounced on my couch, Relaxed! Tomorrow another working day, oh my I have a job!! It still feels a bit unreal...

I'm hired!!

I'm hired!!

Last night when I made my cuppa coffee I felt a little stab in my neck, it kinda scared me, I thought, "What is that?" It hurted and felt akward. I twisted my neck badly, was it just a twist, or was it that I sat a bit to long in the cold with just a t-shirt? Or was it stress from the last weeks? I don't know, but I knew it hurted. I took two paracetamol and went to bed early. I disliked the pain, specially knowing that tomorrow I'll have to work. And tomorrow I could get some results from my Boss. Tomorrow after work I will buy some warming paths for my hurting neck.

Although the pain in my neck I had a nice sleep, sometimes to much turning hurted my neck. I thought, "I will just go to work and I will see how it goes." I didn't even think of the 'results' my mind was on my hurting neck. Before I went to work I took again two paracetamol, I took aswell the medicne with me. While the day went on my neck hurted less, I felt it but it felt comfier, AI could do my work just like yesterday. Though I had a sore start, I felt a stomach pain aswell, stress? To many Paracetamol? Nerves? I don't know. It was a bit of a akwards day, not a day like usual at work. Just the way I felt this Tuesday. 

At 9:30 with the coffee break our secetary came for a little visit, she had a few months of cause of the delevering of her baby. She visited us with her Husband and ofcource the baby, the baby was in  a stroller sleeping deeply. The cantine was packed with people from the office and the workers, they all congrate the Mother and the Father. It's a tradition here in Holland to celebrate a birth with 'beschuit met muisjes,' (see picture) 

The blue ones is for when you have a baby boy, the pink is for when you have a baby girl.

a traditional Dutch open-faced sandwich topping, very similar to nonpareils. While customary on bread, their most typical use is on beschuit, or rusk Muisjes are made ofanisheed sprinkles with a sugared and colored outer layer. Muisjes, meaning "little mice" in Dutch, are named thusly because the anise seed sprinkles are shaped like little mice, with the stem of the anise seed resembling a tail

The 'beschuit met muisjes' was delicious. Work further went well, I was quit busy but I enjoyed it. Though the worries and nerves about prolly getting the results today were there too, as the day went on I thought the Boss already forget about me. "I will contact my Reah counselor tonight, and tell her that my Boss forgot about me," I thought. I wanted results! With the last break all workers were having a snack or a coffee in the cantine, then suddenly the Boss walked in and invited me for a talk, eek! Funny fact was that some workers already told me to just go to the Boss's office to ask for results, "There's nothing wrong with that," they said.


When I walked with the Boss to her office I saw already my Reha counselor sitting in a chair. Wow, I sure didn't expect her today, cause I thought she would just call my Boss. The atmosphere in the Boss's office was down and I don't know, I thought, Okay, that was it. I can go." Even when the Boss began her talk she sounded not really optimistic. But! But! In the end of her conversation she told me that I was hired!! Hired for a half year, just like every employer starts. I asked the Boss, "Serious!??" I just couldn't believe it, I nearly shed a tear, lol! I have a job!! 2003 was the last time I had a job! This is my reward for the last 6 months! I was so happy. 

My Boss told me that I really did my best the last 6 months, I was always at work when I had too, I was motivated and I gave a 100%, that's why they wanted to keep me and gave me the contract. And yeah I did my best, I really like this job and the work. It was tough and I really had to learn a few things but I maneged it!  Well deserved! My Boss asked me aswell if I was flexible while working, meaning, if I could aswell swich sometimes with my days. I work on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, but it can happen that a new order comes in on Wednesday or Friday and that order has to be finnished as soon as possible, then 'they'will ask me to work on my off day. 

I will get the day off the next day. Meaning, I will hold on the 3 days of work. The last two weeks 3 workers had to leave, cause there wasn't enough work for them. One worker left today, it was a bit double today, one worker has to leave and one gets a contract, me! My Boss asked me a favor to keep my contract quiet for a few weeks, my contract starts the first of May. Why quiet? Cause of the workers who had to leave, it might get angry or dissaopinted faces from other workers. But how do you keep such a exciting news quiet? Almost every worker came up to me after my talk with the Boss, asking me what the results were.

"I can't say anything, my Boss told me," I said, silly me, I said it with a smile, so everyone knew that I was hired. My Boss told me that I had to say that they will test me one more month and then come with the results, but yeah, I didn't or I forgot. It's silly though, I can't keep this exciting news quiet for a month. I waited 6 months for this, lol. I can shout it from the roof tops, "I HAVE A JOB!!!!!"  And I'm loving it!! I'm excited and will do more and more my best, now I do it not for nothing. I do it for the money and for our working team where I'm part of now! Yay! Got the job!!! 

Guess what?!?

What!?!? 

More about it later...

Another working day...

Another working day...

Another working day has ended, work went well as always. Recently though I have more and more the feeling that I would like to get rewarded for the work I do, ofcource! I been at this job almost six months, it's about time, and I can feel that too. Thinking of it gibves me negative thoughts.Today I had that feeling aswell, being busy and doing the best I can but yeah, for what actually. To get a hire contract? They told me already that they wanted me, and that they will do and try everything to let me stay here with a contract. 

The amount of work was the problem, well, there's enough work. In the six months that I worked there I never had a moment that I didn't had anything to do. I think it's a money problem, perhaps they can't afford me. Today another fellow worker had to leave, there wasn't any work anymore for him. Shall I be the next one? I don't know, uhm, I'm guessing I will have to go. Every month I had a conversation with my Boss, and every month with the same results, "We try everything to let you stay here, but were not sure yet, there's still not enough work." 

Tomorrow or Thursday I will get prolly the (final) results. I think it will be the same as the last six months but with a little twist, "We tried everything to let you stay here, there's still not enough work, we have to let you go." If that's the result, then I won't stay any longer, I will say goodbye to the fellow workers and head of to Reha. To see if I can come back upcomming Thursday. But yeah, for the same reason my Boss will hire me, then I will get a half year contract. After that half year I will get a year contract. 

And then? And then for good. I'm not that nervous though for this week, I think I prepaired myself well. Yeah, work went well, only a few down moments, I deserve to be here with a contract. I saw some other workers not doing much, and they get payed. I'm working hard and I get nothing. But I love the work I do, that keeps me going. Anyway, I will see what's gonna happen, but I know for sure I want results, I'm not gonna wait another month. Before April please! 

Lots of nieces and a few nephews...

Lots of nieces and a few nephews... 

Last night the birthday party was unexpected awesome, more of such nights please! I have seen most of my nieces and a few nephews, I noticed once again that from my Mom's side I have more nieces then nephews. I had such as fun night, riding my bike there went okay, only a few times I thought to myself, "I'm crazy to go there, it's to far and being on the road in this darkness is kinda scary due the crime and violence here."  I'm so glad I went! And it wasn't that far, I knew the way now and the ride went well. When I arrived there I saw a eldery couple putting there bikes away and I talked to them, we both introduced each other. (The eldery man was a old friend from my (birthday) Aunt's Husband) 


We both when inside to congratulate my Aunt, and we both saw that we were one of the first ones. My two Nephews plus my niece were sitting next to my Aunt. Wow! I haven't seen them in such a long time, I guess it's been more then ten years. I felt a bit nerves and didn't know what to say, but I did well, and they were friendly. The Family from my Mom's side are much more opener, funny that most of them said that I look like my Mom, in my behaviour and looks. One of my Aunt's Son's (my nephew) I haven't seen in more then almost thirthy years, he has been at Humanitas too long time ago, but then in another city. Kinda sad story, cause he was on drugs and walked away from home. I used to play alot with him when we were bot kids. So that too felt a bit akward to see him back, but so nice aswell!

He's doing okay now, but still has the marks a bit of his drugs past. I sat down with the couple I came in with, they invited me to sat with them, nice! More people came in and a older couple came aswell sitting with us. There I sat at the table, with eldery people who I didn't know that well. But I felt good, I felt comfy. More and more Family and friends came in and I looked around while sitting to see if I could spot a few nieces and nephews or perhaps Aunt's and uncles. Or even old neighbors. It didn't take long untill I regonized a few nieces, and old neighbors, but going to them for a little chat I didn't dare yet. I thought, 'That will come later.' Then I saw another Aunt, she had one of her daughters with her, that Aunt lives in Almelo aswell.

My birthday Aunt! 60 year!

See was the one who I visited first when I came living in Almelo. She's my Godmother. She and her Daughter (my niece) congratulated my (birthday) Aunt and were looking for a place to sit down, it was already quit full. They both found a bit of a unusual table and seats to sit down, they sat alone. After five minutes I decided to sit with them, that was a smart decision. They were happy to see me. We both talked alot about me, my Dad and about the other daughters from my Godmother. Yep I have more nieces then nephews, lol. When I was still young I always played with them when my Mom and Dad would visit them, no not with dolls, just anything, but no dolls. We were more outside then inside. 

As the evening went on more nieces and there Families showed up, we drinked we ated we enjoyed ourselves. It was so nice seeing them back, even though it's been such a long time since I seen them. Still a few Family members were missing, but there a bit further away in Holland, and some were sick. The talking went so well with my nieces, they were asking me things like how I was and ofcource about my time in Canada. Most of them knew I spent time there, they asked about my Dad aswell, how he was and why he wasn't on the party. Here I was on the birthday party from my Aunt, surounded with lots of nieces and a few nephews, such a great time. 

I didn't even mind that I was alone, I felt great!  And again, it's been more then 20 years since I saw them! One of my nieces came with the idea to do a reunion this year in June, great idea! With all the nieces and all the nephews, I hope it goes trough. She came with another thing, she asked me if I or my Dad still has old pictures from her Mom and my Mom, there both past away long time ago. Her Mom and my Mom were twin-sisters, I still so remember that time when they were both together. I will have to search for the pictures, I have them or my Dad has them, I have been searchimg today but couldn't find any. That leaves my Dad, I will visit him this week. 

The birthday party came to an end, we all traded e-mail adresses for the reunion and thanked the birthday Aunt for the nice hospitality. What a great night! The day after... I rested, I didn't sleep that long but I felt okay, just a bit of a sore stomach. Getted my work clothing together, and made my lunch for work. And further nothing, rest. It could be a heavy tough week this week, upcomming Thursday the results of my job, stay or go. I think it's a go, I already half prepaired myself. If I get to hear that I can go, then I will go and won't stay longer. I will be heading straight away to Reha, to see if I can get back starting upcomming Thursday. Yes, I have it all planned, if I can stay, then I will do a dance trough the whole working place and shake everyone there hand.

Going out tonight...

Going out tonight...

Birthday party from my Aunt tonight, I'm sure it's gonna be fun. Seeing my nieces, nephews, relatives and other people is always fun. The party is from 8:00 until 12:00 but I'm not gonna stay that long, I think 11:00 is a nice to to heading home. I don't like it to be that late on the streets here in this city, there's sometimes crime here and sometimes violence. It's almost everyday here in the newspaper, so, better be on time in my safe house.

Today you  can almost compare with yesterday,minus the grocery shopping. I did one load of laundry and a bit cleaning and dusting, I might wash the floors tomorrow. I decided today to go with the same travel company like last year with the London trip, I can't afford a plane trip yet, that can wait a year. I saw on there site that they have nice trips aswell, though it's with a bus, but that's alright. Trips to Croation, Italy, France, it's all fine with me, aslong I have lots of sunshine I'm fine. 

And further? Further not that much, I will write about how the birthday party was tomorrow. I'm quit excited to go actually, just a bit nerves aswell. I haven't seen them in prolly 10 years, lol. What do I say? Where shall I sit? Ofcource the subject 'Canada' will come by, but that's fine. The Family from my Mom's side is nice and gentle. 

Finally some sun-shine!

Finally some sun-shine! 

This morning started out grey, misty and cold, what a difference with yesterday. Yesterday we had 17 degrees with lots of sunshine, I saw people in t-shirts or without jackets, even in shorts. This morning it was pretty cold, just like last night, only 8 degrees this morningl. I wondered why it was so cold during the night, it felt akward. When I got up I noticed that my little window was still open, lol. I never forget to close everything when I got to bed, and wasn't even thinking during the night that my window could be open. 

Made pancakes today for dinner, yum!

I had nothing much planned today, tomorrow in the evening I might go to my Aunt's birthday. Yes, the one that my Dad wanted to go to, but we both decided that it's not a good idea for my Dad to go there. He's to weak and to fragile. My (Birthday) Aunt and I emailed back and forth about the birthday, about who's all comming and where the party is located. Still I don't know if I'm going cause it's quit a bike ride from my house to the birthday party. But I love to see some of my nieces and nephews again, I haven's seen them in so many years.
 

The little pan I used...

Most of them are married or are all grown adults, I still remember when I use to play with them in my childhood. My (Birthday) Aunt is the wife of my uncle, and that uncle was my Mom's brother. It will be nice to see them all, also a nice time out aswell for me. This morning I went out to see where the party will be held, just to see where it is and how far it is. It's atleast a fifteen minutes ride, right in the middle of a industrial park. A voice in my head says, "Just go!" And I think I will. It's from 8:00 till 12:00 in the evening. 

The banana was my idea...

 Further not that much today, did some laundry and finnished my grocery shopping for the comming week. I need to make a desicion soon where I want to go with the summer holiday, I don't think I will get a plane vacation, I just can't find a decent price for that. Flying is expensive and I can't afford it yet. I will go by bus then, but going with a bus to spain or Italy, I don't know. Maybe I just have to start saving money for next year Summer, to have a very nice plane trip to a far away country then. And this year perhaps a bit closer to home, like france or Germany. 

And then the fun was over...

And then the fun was over...

After a day of hard work I cycled towards the 'free dinner,' the weather was gorgeous and actually way to warm for a wintercoat and scarf, but anyway. The free dinner was cozy and it was nice seeing the regular people again, I usually sit on my own spot together with a few old residents from Humanitas. It's a long table right in the centre of the little hall, then beneath the windows are the other tables where mostly the homeless people sit, yes, everyone has mostly there own spot. You can also say, where I sit are sitting the 'quiet, normal' people, lol. At the other table the homeless people, sometimes loud, sometimes drunk and yeah, sometimes agresive.

It's not always fun to have these homeless people at the free dinner, there loud, agressive and sometimes drunk. Sometimes some of the homeless people don't show up for a few weeks, we know what time it is then, there in jail for a long or a short time. We will know when there 'free' again, cause then they will show up at the free dinner again. Sigh! It was nice and cozy at the free dinner today, not that busy, untill the group of homeless people showed up. Some of them are okay, but just a bit weird. The homeless people usually get along with each other, but sometimes not and then the fun begins, shouting, insulting  and being agressive. Just like today

After I finnished my dinner and putted my coat on to go back towards home,  I went outside, a friend of mine from Humanitas walked with me. When we were almost outside we noticed that there was a fight, a fight between a homeless guy and another homeless guy who was released just two weeks from jail. I know them both slightly, but never had a talk with them, perhaps a few words. I rather don't get in contact with them, or with other homeles people from that group. A few guys from the staff from the free dinner ran outside to see what was going on, they saw that one guy had a knife. There was shouting, chaos and lots of insults, it was crazy. 

The people who organise this free dinner weekly are very christian, the free dinner is actually from a christian community. The staff tried to calm the fight down and jumped right in the middle of it, crazieness. I wouldn't even dare, I have much respect for these people. Though I think there used to it, I saw a few fights before here, or heared about it, but a knife? Insane. I passed the fight while walking to my bike, what I grabbed slowly and took off at the otherside of the building, there it was quiet and peacefull. When I passed again the building to ride towards home I saw that there still was a chaos.

 I saw a guy who had a punch aswell, he passed me cause he left the fight, "Then you think you have a nice dinner and then this, there crazy!" He said. I couldn't agreed more! I didn't know how to feel about this stupid fight, sad or angry, I think a bit of both. The homeless people who were fghting will get a four weeks prohibition. No free dinner for them for four weeks. I don't like such people, actually this whole group of homeless people at the free dinner I dislike. There loud and sometimes agressive. Some of them spend time in jail, they should actually never be released, they never learn, they don't wanna learn. 

They live on the street where the crime is, they don't know else. Some of this group of homeless people I have seen at Humanitas aswell when I lived there, the staff from Humanitas tried to help them, to get them on the right pad, but without succes. Like I said, they don't know else. The street is there life, and unfortunatley the jail is too.

Picture time, remembering!

Picture time, remembering! 

I have absolutley nothing to write about today, only that the 'new' vollunteers job is chancelled. The woman who wanted to learn the Dutch language and looked for someone extra who could help her with that, has found already someone. It was actually already an old vacancy. The woman's contact person who sent me the mail this morning with the 'chancelling 'message made a appointment with me. She wants to speak with me, hmm, perhaps she has other vacancies in store. 

It's going a bit so, so lately with the search for vollunteers work and aswell my job. The radio work is hmm, I don't know, it's perhaps not what I'm really looking for, and yeah my job, upcomming Tuesday could be my last day. I really have to find something to fill my days. People around me is needed, communicating, having fun, socializing, it's all a must. My work towards 'that' is still not done

Picture time! 

Amsterdam was the city I visited last year Summer, it's been such a long time since I was there. Great fun!

Oh yes! Last year at Humanitas we had a dare, dress up as a woman, so much fun. I really love this picture, it has som  many stories in it.  2011 - July.

My new house last year August, filled with a absolute gorgeous couch. I never would have thought that I would have come so far, I guess I wasn't even thinking what would become of me, I only knew that it will be okay, but how? I didn't had a clue. 2011 - August.

Reha, my first job since I got back from Canada, actually since 2003! I learned many things here, it was for sure a good start up for my next job. I never knew I missed working this much, it was not only work I missed but aswell a day rhythm and fellow workers. A very important thing in life.

My first entrance into my new house, it's small, but not as small that I thought it was. I like it and took it. I was a happy man, and still am.

Humanitas last year, here it all began. Here I could began with proccesing and starting things up. Great time I had there, even though I had a small room and lots of people around me 24 hours a day. Also many thanks towards Humanitas. 2011 - February

Toronto Pearson international airport, my trip back from Canada towards Holland. So many memories when I see this pictures, I remember this last day when I see this picture like it was yesterday. Although it's a awesome picture, it's not to fun to look at it to long. 2011 - January.
.

My first trip from last year, London was awesome, I had such a good time. I might go again this year, and again in December, just like last year. Good memories! 2011 - December.

Some of the friends from Humanitas, good memories aswell, I still see them sometimes. We cooked together, went out together, just almost anything. The guy in the middle is living on his own now, very nice chap! 2011 - May.

The city where I live now, Almelo. I love it here, it's so much different then where I use to live, Nijverdal. This city is alive, thought it has his crime, violence, and homeless people, there's never a boring moment here. October - 2011.

Hematoma part two.

Hematoma part two. 

I had the craziest idea to go today to the doctor for the hematoma instead of tomorrow, I just couldn't wait any longer, nerves made me made this desicion. I figured that I couldn't bring it up otowait that long if I would go on Wednesday. I needed to know now what's going on with this weird hematoma, and on this working day I will have lots of distractions, and that will be good for my worries and nerves. Oh god, silly weird me! Lol! Get those worries out of my head, lol. Anyway, I went to work and waited till 8:00 am and called from work my doctor. I used the phone from the cantine, but geesh, I couldn't hear a thing, even not when I sat in the cantine. Lol, I sat on the toilet with one finger in my ears and still I had to listen good. Though I made the appointment, I had to be at the doctor at 9:40. I left work at 9:15 and arrived at 9:30, it was busy. The doctor called me in at 10:00, 20 minutes to late, but oh well. 

I asked the doctor friendly why it took so long, he told me that some patients really come to the point not untill after the end of there conversation. Then the doctor asked why I was here, I told about my hematoma, and I had to show it. I was pretty nervous, but after he told me that I didn't have to worry I felt relieved. The doctor asked me if I fell or something or bumped into something, I told him that I fell of my bike a few months ago, but I really couldn't remind myself that I fell on that spot where I have the hematoma. The doctor told me that it's just a innocent hematoma, "You prolly fell or bumped into your thigh when you fell," the doctor told me. (A torn muscle?) Weird and akward that I have the hematoma on that spot, anyway, the hematoma will vanish within three or four weeks he told me... So, end of my worries. I never had a hematoma I think, atleast not this big. I totally forgot about my fall too from a few months ago too.

I wasn't even 15 minutes at the doctor, and went back on my bike towards work. All took less then a hour. Work went well today, as always. Busy and enough to do, upcomming Tuesday I will get a conversation with my Boss and my Reha counselor, I'm sure I will get results then. It's about time, a few workers are about to leave aswell, cause there hiring contracts are ended. Some of the fellow workers were telling me that I might have to go too, but some were positive asweell, some said, "I will be suprised that you not get hired." I told them the oppisite, I will be suprised that I will get a hire contract. I think next Tuesday will be my klast day at work, but oh I will be so happy that I can stay, I'm just going out from the worse... Untill then I will do my best with work, like I always did.

Hematoma...

Hematoma...
I noticed a Hematoma yesterday on the inside of my thigh, it worries me. Cause I don't know how it got there. I can't remember that I bumped myself or fell or whatever. It's bothering me in my worried mind since I spotted the hematoma. I have a day off tomorrow, so I could visit my doctor. But I'm to worried to go, afraid of the results of what the doctor will say. Is it perhaps that I fell of my bike a few months ago that I got this hematoma? And why didn't I noticed this before? In the shower or undressing for example. I will go to the hospital tomorrow to test my blood for my thyroid, after five days I will get the results of the blood test from my doctor. I will keep an eye on my hematoma till then, if it's not getting smaller then I will go to my doctor for the blood results and to show him my hematoma.... I should stop worrying... the hemotoma isn't painfull, but it's quit big, you can compare it with the size of a lightbulb.It's dark aswell.

Ups and downs while working... sigh!

 Ups and downs while working... sigh! 

So, today I should have had a conversation with my Boss, but I guess plans has changed. Though I saw the Boss more then ten times on the workfloor. Maybe I should have asked her about the conversation, the fear of that I might get to hear that they won't give me a hire contract stopped me from doing that. I'm still a bit 'eeking' about it, I was quit nerves aswell today. Though I worked hard today, why? Cause it was kinda busy, and we had a bit to many people in our section. Normally it's two or three people now there were four people. Every worker has to do something, and when the mat must be made there has to be one who makes the beginning of the mat. I was the one who made the beginning. 

I connected the aluminium profiles to each other with rubber, when that's done I give the mat to the next person who measures and nails the mat so that the mat is the right lenght and ready for the next proces. So, the other 3 people were kinda waiting for me to finnish the first proces of the mat, though they told me to take it easy, I still felt a bit of a rush, lol. I guess it goes automaticly with me, just my nature, lol.  The workers are nice and feel and think with me, they aswell say that's it time for me to get results.  There hoping that I can stay, I so fit in this job, I learned so much and came so, so, far. I would never have thought I could do this all, thought I never had it in me. I'm amazed! 

I had my down moments aswell today, working hard and thinking, 'where's my reward for being so busy plus all the work I have done today,' sure I get nice compliments but it's not enough anymore. Lately I have this 'it's enough'feeling more, though the work I do and the fellow workers makes everything worthwhile, even working for free. But yeah, I can't stay there for free, I had the feeling today that if I don't say or do anything about this 'free'work I will still be working here till I'm 65. I will have to take action, my Boss didn't come to me today, not even when she was so many times at our section. I will get incontact with my Reha counselor again, just like last week. 

I will tell her my thoughts and feelings about this, together we will work this out. I'm nervous and a bit frighten to loose this wonderfull job, if I loose this job then I will go back to Reha perhaps. I will have to start all over again at the beginning, such a shame though, like I said, I came so far, I learned so much. I really gave a 1000% with this job and I survived. I worked here for six months now, though they said it will be a three months test. I don't even know if that's alowed to have a test period of six months. I worked aswell at Reha for free, that was a kind of a test period aswell, a intergration job. I worked hard there aswell, made many wooden furniture  for free too. All that makes me feel and think that it's really enough now, I want results and would like to get rewarded now. 


I'm not angry or furious, I'm just have that 'it's enough' feeling, I still love the work I do, I love working, I love having people around me. But now... I would like to get rewarded.P.s, I wrote a bit about this subject aswell on Facebook, I wished I never did, lol. I had many comments on it, I never would have thought that. I guess I got a bit carried away, I have fellow workers in my friendslist aswell, although they wouldn't mind, still it's not right I think, right? Gotta actually keep work related stuff aside....