Proud...

Proud...

Early up this morning, like always. I never sleep long, it's just the way I am. I had it also in Canada, I was always up first, sometimes even before the kids were up. I had a good sleep last night, but I think I pulled a muscle, because my left arm was hurting, I could not lay on it. I took a painkiller this morning and I will see how long the pain lasts.

This morning there was the talk with the staff and me, my counselor was there aswell, to hear what's going to happen  next with me. The talk was about if I could stay or not. But they weren't so clear about that while they were talking. It was more a talk about Humanitas, what they all do and what is all possible. And they asked me alot of questions, like what has happened in Canada, and what happened afterwards,they wanted to know about  my personality, do I have friends, did I work before I went to Canada, do I use medication, etc, etc, just to get a image of me. 

Next thing they asked me what I would like to achieve here, and what my future plans are. And if I need help with debts if I had them, or if I need help with my emotional stability. After the long talk I thought to myself, "Does this all mean I can stay now?" Though I didn't ask, "Don't worry," they said. So, yeah, I will see what's gonna happen next, eitherway I have a good feeling about this all.

While I talked with the Humanitas staff, I was a bit upset that they didn't understand a few things. I don't like when people get a wrong image of me. It was about the internet, perhaps they saw me as a computer addict. I told them that it's important for me to keep contact with my friends in Canada. (Saf and the kids, or others) The staff and the counselor told me that it's  important that I build up a new network of friends outside and not only on the computer, "The real life," they said. I agreed with that I have to get some new friends here, just to be outside, explore the city, see people, and go out, move on with my life, but at the moment I'm not ready for that.That will come in time.

 

"But," I said, "I need aswell my Canadian friends, there important to me." I lived a life in Canada where I could only dream of. Those years with them is a good memory, I will never forget them , no one is taking that away from me. And it's not that I have to talk daily with them, cause I need to continue my life aswell, I need a job, I need a house. If someone is offering me a job or a house, I will take it, I won't say,"Hey, sorry I don't have time, cause I need to be on the computer, Saf or one of her kids will be online soon."

My counselor and the Humanitas staff were probably thinking that my computer and Saf and the kids will stop me in the things what I really have to do, what is more important. That's why they talked about building up a network of friends without the computer. Hey, I love my friends but I'm not a computer addict. They are important aswell. Keeping contact is good for us, and there will be a day that I have a job and a new house, and I will still talk with them. Not everyday but just so now and then, whenever we have time.  Just because Saf and I have good memories over the years we spent together, and to keep those memories we keep contact.

Later on in the afternoon, a lady at the office helped me out with some post I received yesterday. There were three letters, one from Gak, one from the government,and one from the health insurance. In the letter from Gak they asked me for copies from my bankcard, my passport and the flying tickets, we both copied that and sent it in a mail. I have to call the government today or send a mail to change something about my 'new' income,  and the health insurance company send me a form that had to be filled in. We filled it in and sent that in a mail aswell. All settled!

Everything goes fine, but it takes time. I don't have to rush things and I don't want to, do what I have to do and in the meanwhile enjoy! Humanitas told me that there is free dinner two times a week in a little church near here, they told me the name of the church but I forgot the name. A little group of people from here goes there and it's actually fun, and the food is good. I will check it out, and ask today where it is. And aswell there is a cheap breakfast after 10 at the 'Hema,' that's a shop like Walmart but so much smaller. might aswell check that out too.Free is always good!

I will tell you tomorrow how it went.

p.s. you probably wondering what the text says on the picture, It Dutch, and it says, "After rain comes sunshine." Or as Saf used to sometimes said "Sjon-shine."

John Lennon - stand by me

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we see
No I won't be afraidNo I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountain should crumble to the seaI won't cry, I won't cry
No I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me Darling, darling stand by me
Stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Decisions...

Decisions...


Thank God it was Monday, the staff is back. And that means more people around me, and two times coffee in the morning. Today I had a appointment with Gak, now here's the thing, there are two office's of Gak's. There is one in the  city where I am now(Almelo) and there's one in Hengelo. Hengelo is a city 10 km's from Almelo.  When I called with Gak, I head the head office on the phone in Hengelo. When I went to my appointment this morning, I went to the Gak here, in my city, someone from Humanitas came with me.

She told me that it's alright to go here, cause they both can corporate with each other. But, they couldn't, when we got there, the lady there told us  that it's better to go to Gak in Hengelo. We decided to go back and wait till tomorrow, "We can do this over the phone or perhaps fax the things they need," said the woman who was with me. She told me aswell that we better can wait until tomorrow, cause tomorrow they will make a decision if you can stay here or not. I got my fingers crossed.

Tomorrow morning there will be a meeting with the staff of Humanitas, my counselor and me. They want to see what the next step will be, if I can stay I will get a 24-hours project. And in that project they help me building up my life again, most of it I will have to do myself though, like finding a job and a place to live, a own home. Humanitas helps you but just little things. I must say that so far they helped me out good, they made the needed appointments for me, where I didn't even think off. I sure couldn't do it all by myself.

After my lunch I had the plan to visit some job agencies, remember I told you about those agencies who are looking for proper jobs for you? They really can come in handy, but the woman who came with me this morning from Humanitas told me that I should wait a few days, cause tomorrow I will have that important decision. After the decision she  and I are going to settle everything out, my income, my health insurance, you name it. If! The decision is positive ofcource. Now this afternoon I could just relax and have a rest or go out, said the woman. 

Okay, alright,that's nice, right? I went out to buy a few groceries, and after that I had the craziest idea to visit my Aunt who I didn't see in more then fifteen years. You should have seen her face when she opened the door! "Oh God, Sjon?" she shouted out loud, "I thought you lived in Canada?" I told her, "that's a very long story." She's my favorite Aunt, and she's so nice. I stayed there for a few hours and told her what happened, I saw aswell a few of my Nieces while being there. It was nice to see them back, it sure did me good. One of my my Niece's isn't so well, she also had a break up with someone years ago.

She ended up in a huge depression, she isn't able to do that much anymore. My niece is on medication and visits a lot of doctors and hospitals. It's sad to see her like this, as a kid I played many times with her. It made me think of my break up with Saf aswell, thinking of a depression scares me. But I'm okay so far, and that's surprises me. The 'missing them' part is the hardest, that will stay for a while. Why did they have to be so awesome? And the kids so cute?  Why was it that I like to be their Daddy so much?

It think it's the fact that they came on the right time, I was in need and I was ready for them. No matter what they all say, I will never have regrets that I made the choice to take care of this Family and to love them. I still love them, and that feeling they can't take away from me, never!!

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.  -- Desmond Tutu~

The internet...

The internet...

Sunday's are pretty boring at Humanitas, there is no staff only the people who live here. If there is something important, then you can go to a little building next to our main building, and you can ask for help if it's really needed. Last night I went there, cause the modem of the main computer at Humanitas needed to be reset. (Talking about a emergency!) It happens quit alot when the internet is down, many of us here uses a laptop,and downloading is a crime here. If you download to much, they staff will pull the plug out.

Like I said, last night the server went down for a clean up. This morning it worked again, but my laptop was still slow, so slow that I decided to do a system recovery. I thought, there is nothing to loose, and it sure can't get worse then this. A system recovery cleans your entire computer, and you will get it back the way as you bought it from the store. In my case, no MSN, no Yahoo, No Firefox, no anti-virus, no CCleaner, and some pictures will be gone. Most of my important pictures I had sent to Yahoo mail or Hotmail. 

The recovery took a bit more then 30 minutes, and the laptop is so much faster now. I had to search a bit for the things I had to download again, but further then that it went pretty fast. And if I had something to ask, there's always google or my friends on Facebook. So far I'm pretty much done and I'm happy with my new born laptop. So far so good.

Tomorrow there will be the appointment with Gak about my money, I will go there with one of the people Humanitas. Am I nervous? Naah, just curious what they will say. I'm more nervous about my bill from that summer house where I stayed. The lady from that house told me to pay within 14 days. I don't have the money for it now, and my Dad can't pay it either. And then there is the dentist, who's waiting for me for the root canal treatment. I guess I will take things as they come, and live day by day. First things first, and that's Gak tomorrow.

How am I doing so far?

I feel like I'm moving slowly forward, I'm not there yet, but it's going. Sure, I still miss them, missing Safa, missing the kids. That's the hardest part of it all, I would love to hold Tasn in my arms or just for once put her to sleep. Reading here a story or watch a movie till she falls asleep, or my trick to get her to sleep, making fun while she's in bed until she get tired and falls asleep. Just like the old days, I'm planning to come back for a few weeks, perhaps late summer. Just a  bit concerned if Canada is letting me in the country, cause they can send you back to Holland, no mercy.

I was not legal in Canada the last one and a half year, and it's showing on my passport by the stamps. If I will go to Canada again, I really need to know for sure that I can get into the country! A investigation is surely needed. Aswell, I'm thinking of changing my blog into some new colours but I'm not sure yet. Maybe I will, Maybe I wont, I will see. 

Nostalgia!

Nostalgia!

It was a nice day, although the storm was rough. Today I was finally getting my bicycle back,
My Aunt and my Uncle were picking me up at 10:15 am at the railway station in Almelo, but without the bike cause the bike was at my uncle's place like I said yesterday. Since I noticed that there are no coffee breaks during the weekend, I went at 9:45 to the place where I had to be, the railway station. My Aunt and Uncle were on time, and I was too, ofcource. While driving to there place we talked alot, one thing I don't like is all the smoking that my Aunt and Uncle do, specially in the car.

They sure smoke alot, but anyway, on with the ride. After arriving at their house we drunk a coffee, and my Aunt putted post from Gak in my hand. I opened the mail and it said that the appointment for upcoming Monday is confirmed. I have to bring with me a few things, my passport, my account number from the bank, and all the flying tickets from when I went to Canada. Right! I went three times to Canada, three times back and forth. Sure, I still have the last ticket, but the others ones, I don't know,  I have to look for them. Besides the stamps are in my passport, Gak can have a look in that.

Gak and me are progressing, and that's a good thing. But were not there yet! First let's see what happens Monday, I'm a little concerned cause I might get money aswell from the government. My thoughts are a bit in a knot about this money thing, but, Monday I will know more, first weekend! After my coffee at my Aunts and Uncle I took of to my Dad, to see how he was. I haven't seen him in a while and he was happy to see me, but he was confused of what was going on."What bicycle you were picking up then, the one from Canada?" (No, Dad) "And I thought you were living in that summerhouse, and not in Almelo? What are you doing there then?" (Sigh, Dad)

It's difficult to explain him such things, cause he just don't understand, and besides that, you have to repeat things more then 10 times. I can't blame him, he's old! Dad had post for me aswell, it was the bill from the summerhouse. I knew it would be alot, 40 Euro, count that 12 times , it sure was alot. I can't pay that bill now,"I guess I will just take it with me," I
thought. And so I did. It was time to go, cause it was time for Dad's lunch, and for me time to take of to Almelo. The traffic was a chaos in Nijverdal, cause there was market and everyone needs to buy grocery on Saturday. The storm was nice to me, I had the wind in my back. I went almost like a rocket so fast, in a no time I arrived in the little village 'Wierden.' 

 Horses besides my Dad's place, he sure has a nice view.

 The city where I live now, Almelo.

 This windmill is almost in our backyard, only I have to go outside to see it.

Sigh! The school I used to go to when In was 10 or 12 in Almelo.

Wierden  is a little village  where my Mom grew up. As a Family we lived here aswell for a long time, almost twelve years. You pass 'Wierden' if you go from Nijverdal to Almelo. I saw alot of things what reminded me of my youth.  The old school, parks, and the church we went to every Sunday. It all looked so small, was it the fact I grew so tall or was it the fact that it has been such a long time? It was nice seeing all these things back, yep! good old times! The bike ride was good for me, I took some photo's and I was in a no time in Almelo, 15 km in less then a hour, not bad, right? I wasn't even tired when I got back, a bit of a awkward feeling when I arrive at Humanitas with a bicycle, Usually I walk. Later tonight the server from the internet went out, I asked a few guys, and they told me that the server will be back on at 6:00 am in the morning. Great! but there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm actually writing this piece on Word pad, LOL! Killing time, and I guess early to
bed tonight. I still remember that last year at this time we went to the Barrie winter fest, a winter happening with lots of ice and snow. Saf and I plus the three youngest were with us (Ab, Tasn and Mar) Saf's friend from her early high school invited us. That was our first time in Barrie, and I liked it. It had a real 'Canadian' atmosphere, I can't describe it other ways. Pat, Saf's friend brought her 2 daughters with her, so the kids could play around. We all had a great time, and I never seen so many snow and ice. There was a huge lake that was totally frozen, and people walk over it or skate. Cle and her friend were mentioning it to go today, I wonder if the whole family will go. If they go, I'm sure they will have a great time.

And yeah, I wish I was there... Sigh!  ...Next year for sure!? Will see.

Coldplay-The Scientist (Acoustic)

Putting a little bit more color in my blog, Cause I'm progressing as you noticed. First it was all black and white, dark clouds, rain, misty, foggy. Watch me bloom further in this blog....

Time for stormy weather...

Time for stormy weather...

The plans changed, tomorrow I will see my Dad anyway, my Aunt and Uncle are picking me up, and bringing me to their house. My bicycle is standing in their shed, your maybe thinking, "Why couldn't my Aunt and Uncle bring the bike?" Well, they told me that the bicycle didn't fit in the car, although they have a van. Anyway, so my idea was to pick up my bike and ride to my Dad to see how he is, maybe I take some lunch their aswell. And then the long trip back, all the way to Almelo. I think it's about a 45 minutes ride, but I will take my time. 

Today went fine at Humanitas, I like the coffee breaks. The people like me and sometimes we have a few jokes. It makes the thinking and missing of my friends in Canada a bit less, but forgetting  them is out of the question. I'm almost sure that the missing will be going less, and yeah, thinking of them is always good, showing you still care is normal for me. Today I should have called Gak, and that was my plan, but a woman of Humanitas has called me in the office today and she told me, that she will come with me to Gak next Monday at 11:00. I'm looking forward to it.

Further there was the news that I perhaps can get money from the government in Almelo (Social Services) instead of the government from Nijverdal. Cause I'm a citizen from Almelo now, and someone needs to pay Humanitas for my staying there, and Almelo or Nijverdal has the right to do that. And further, further not so much, actually nothing. I did some cleaning after the first coffee break, a toilet, a tiny hallway and a kitchen. To keep the people busy here they need to do duties/chores in there spare time, it's good and it keeps them busy.

After every coffee break there are cleaning chores. But lately the people are busy with other things. Things like, getting a job, or looking for a house or to get some income, there is alot to be arranged and that always comes first. And me? I had some spare time and there was not much to do for me, so I cleaned a few things. I like it that I have a place to be on my own, a littlt room where I can escape or hide when I am sad or have it hard. Escape is a big word, but I couldn't find another word for it.

Today my laptop went almost bananas, when it started up I couldn't log in. The arrow was there but behind a black screen, I did a restart more then 8 or 9 times, then I gave up. I started to think what to do, calling someone in the building to fix it? Go find a fixer in town?  Buy a new one? I need this laptop, I can't do without. Contact with my friends is important and I achieved alot with this laptop. Internet brought me to Canada for example, internet is huge, scary and silly that I almost can't do without internet.

The computer needed to be fixed and I shoved my laptop in my bag and went into town, trough a huge storm. It was more wind then rain gladly, but the wind was rough. I found three stores and two of them did not fix computers although the entrance said it. The last one was a shop where I actually bought the laptop, same kinda store but different city. I looked around first,to look at the prices for a new one. A guy came and asked me, "How can I help you," I explained what was wrong with my laptop, and he took a look at it.

He started the laptop, and it did the same thing, the arrow came but behind a black screen. The guy restarted the laptop a few times and suddenly it worked! "You really need to clean your computer, or do a system recover." A system recover will clean up your whole computer he told me, it will be as new as you bought it from the shop, everything what you downloaded will be gone. sounds scary, right? I will be thinking twice to do that. When I got home I cleaned the computer, but I didn't do a system recovery. (yet)

The programs I didn't use or almost never use I got rid off them, and it was alot, after that it was time to clean the hard disk, defragment they call it I think. After cleaning it all the computer was a bit faster, and I left it that way, afraid to loose more important stuff. I talked to Saf today on MSN, I need to lighten up more when she comes online, and not be so nerves or afraid. There is nothing wrong between me and her, I have to relax and just talk! It was a short but good talk, I like to hear what she's up to and how she and here kids are.

Getting along...

Getting along...

After a quit good sleep I woke up in the morning wondering what time it was. I sure need a clock, LOL! I had to open the laptop to check the time. At 9:15 am it's coffee time in the big living room, it's normal to show up then and I wanted to be there. Still I need time to adjust a little, but the people here are nice and friendly. This place here gives me a little boost forward. I didn't expect that, I'm surprised. And how I get along here does surprise me aswell, I thought I wasn't that a talker, but I sure talk. Maybe it's the fact that I was on my own for the last few weeks, feeling stressed and nerves, and the fact I wanted to be here and now I'm actually here. I'm moving forward slowly, and it feels good.

So, yeah we have two times a day a coffee moment, one at 8:30 am one at 11:30 am.  I didn't do much today, I helped out with a bed frame what had to go downstairs, piece of cake, I had three big movements in Canada, so what's one little bed frame? I went to the government here in the city,to sign myself in as a citizen of Almelo, "It's better and easier for you," said a office member Humanitas who came with me. I make a good chance to stay here longer, said the office member. Cause I'm now in a crisis moment, and usually the next following thing to that is the 24-hour placement, so,that's good to hear. And further I don't have much to tell, only tomorrow I will get my bike back. 

My Aunt and uncle are picking me up and bring me to their house, they picked up the bike from the summer house place where I have been, and putted my bike in their garage. I will have to ride the bike to Almelo. Besides using the bike in Almelo, I will ride to my dad so now and then aswell, it will be a far trip but that's alright. I'm a little bit concerned about the future, cause when I think of all the stuff I need to do, to build everything up again, it sure is alot. But step by step. Tonight after dinner, I had a missing moment again, such missing moments are hard. I'm thinking back of how it was, playing around with the kids, was my favorite thing to do, I sure miss Tasn, sigh! 

We spend so much time together, putting her to bed, riding our bikes, or just go to the park. Sigh! I was a Dad, and that felt good! I feel like I failed in the  relationship between me and Saf, I have the feeling  that I wanna proof myself. That I CAN be a good husband, without the little argues and complains. I'm sure I can do it now, I had to learn it, getting used to it. Cause it was new. My life has been turned upside down in these 3 years and it was needed. I was stuck in my life and needed a kick in the butt! And that's what happened, but in a good way. Every time the kids called me "Daddy", I smiled. Everytime Saf yelled from downstairs,"honey, dinner is ready"! I thought, Yes! This is what I want!

It just feels good, you know, that family feeling. It's gone now and I'm missing it terribly. I know now for sure, and don't say no! That the  family I had back in Canada, such Family I will never find again, cause they are  special, there survivors. I love them all!  Ab, Tasn, Mar, Noor, Cle, Dako, Saf, I love you guys!! And always will!!

You have learned something, That always feels at first as if you had lost something

I learned and I (have) lost...

I know what I have lost... A month ago. But who was to blame? No one was, and it's no use to bring it all up again. Or is it? Let's just try....

Thinking...

I think we were both overwhelmed with excitement and were expecting things from one another. Here was I, looking for companion, love, and a nice Family. But almost gave up searching, cause I have been put down many times, and the searching was tough. I realized that it was just no use to search any longer after so many years. My Mom past away in the year 2000, that was a shock for me. I took care of my sad and difficult Dad afterwards for almost 3 years. He had several suicide attempts, and I just couldn't handle him anymore. I lived on my own after all that, all alone looking for friendship and love.

And there was Saf, who has been trough so much pain, a cheating husband, many lies from him, kids who suffered cause the Father wasn't there, a horrible escape from Egypt to Canada with her kids, many tears, and stress, to much to write it all down. She fought for her kids, more then you'll ever know. Her kids were always first, and then came she. But deep inside she needed love and friendship aswell.

So, there you have it, two persons both looking for love and friendship, or just a good time, away with the old, the past is the past. The excitement was there, and maybe we got carried away a bit to much. Blind in our decisions, not knowing what could happen in the future. Was it needed to know what could happen? No! it wasn't needed to know what could happen, we had a good time, and we continued, this felt for sure good after all the pain in the past. It's all we needed. So, why not?  two persons in love and both very happy, we stepped in the roller coaster of love. And it felt good!

Why do I sum this all up? What is it worth it? Is it needed? It's not needed, but sometimes I'm thinking back to the days when I was in Canada, not so weird cause it's still fresh. I'm aswell  trying to figure out why we didn't match in the end, and certainly the facts why I couldn't handle sometimes this  super large family. It was sometimes difficult to handle things, it was a huge step ofcource coming from a place where I lived all alone into a house where it was full.

But I'm sure NOT blaming myself for making that decision. And for sure NO regrets what so ever.  I had great time and so did Saf and her kids. And we both did our stinking best to be together, and to let it work. I don't see the break up between us as a ending of our friendship. Like I said, they mean to much for me, these 3 years I lived a life where I could only dream of. I can surely say that I see them as Family!  Bless them!!

"Nerves."

 "Nerves."

I was up at 5: 30 am, afraid to sleep further, cause it will be 8:45 am in a no time. At 8:45 my counselor will pick me up and drive with me to Humanitas. I don't like to rush things, so I got up (early) and did what I had to do. A little bit of packing, (the most packing I did last night) I made breakfast and some lunch for later, and now I'm on the laptop. I got the nerves when the time went a bit faster in the morning, I just don't know what to expect, what kinda people are their? are they bad? are they nice? Can you trust them? Thinking of it makes me nerves, and makes me wanna cancel it all. But I have to go, cause I need to move on, there is no other way!I can't stay here. Funny though, that it's different now then 4 or 5 years ago, If they would offer me then a job or something else what is important, I would have thought twice, maybe it's the fact that I didn't really had to, there  was no forcement, I was good.  And now there is this huge forcement, I have to! Even though I'm dead nervous, I want to go now, just to get it over with. It's 8:55 now, he's late. Hurry up!

Finally 10 minutes after 9:00 and he arrived. He told me that he would have a  small car yesterday, but when I saw the car, it was bigger then I thought it was. I guided  him in and we took the heavy suitcases in his car, I told him about my bike but he didn't want to take more luggage in the small car. I gave the bike to the owner of the summer house to let her keep an eye on it, "I will pick it up later this week," I told her. I couldn't pay the owner for the last three weeks, and I felt still bad, that's why I left the rest of my food and groceries in a big shopping bag and gave it to her. The shopping bag was huge and it was full, I thought I wont need it at Humanitas, I don't even know if there's a kitchen. It was time to go, and I was still  dead nervous, where I should actually be happy and excited. The normal nerves I guess. 

When we arrived in Almelo, (The city where Humanitas is settled), I remembered the times  when I was here before. When I was still a kid, my Mom and Dad and I used to walk over the market here. It sure has changed in Almelo, I saw alot of huge buildings what I never saw before. We were nearly there and I didn't expect Humanitas was settled here and sure not in this street in the middle of the centre. It was a huge building, in a busy street. The owner shook my hand when we walked in and we grabbed a coffee and sat down for an introduction talk. It felt good, and the nerves went less. After our talk my counselor went further to another appointment and I took my suitcases to my new room. The building inside felt like a huge maze, I got lost with my heavy suitcase more then 6 times. Stairs up and down, and lost again. I needed help from others to find my room again, the heavy suitcases felt heavier and heavier.

My room number is number 15. The room is small, small but okay. There is one desk, one closet a small fridge and one bed, that's it. The owner told me that this is a kind of a crisis emergency, it's still a question if I can stay here for 8 months, so that's why this small room. But I was perfectly fine with it. On the desk I saw a bin with forks, knifes, spoons, and other kitchen tools, and further pans, pots and dishes. I wil  have to make my own food, I get 40 Euro once a week every Thursday and there you buy grocery for, I think it's not that bad. I went right away after I putted my suitcases in a save place to the local supermarket. When I was done with my grocerie shopping I still had lots of left over money from the 40 Euro. And 'damn,' I thought about the shopping bag I gave to the owner of the summer house, I thought I wont need it here, but they HAVE  a kitchen here!
 

 The pots and pans I was getting, to make my own meal.

 The little tiny fridge on my room, not much but good enough for me.

 This is what they called the 'crisis room', a room what you get when there's an emergency when you suddenly need a place to stay.

One single bed, it's not big but big enough for me. I slept pretty good the first night.

I bought everything I needed, well almost, in the end I forgot so many things. On the last moment I still had to buy a few groceries. I need to adjust here and that takes time. But I like it here. It was calm and quiet where I first was, that was good for me, cause I needed the rest. Now it's time for the next level in my process, I'm moving on. People at Humanitas are nice and friendly. Even the residents here are friendly, even though some don't look like it. It's a city with lots of people, when I want to calm down or need a rest, I will go to my room and lock my door, just like everyone else does. The good thing about Almelo is that they have a lot of agencies where they can find jobs for me. You walk in with your resume and you fill in a form and done. Well, not really done, cause they still need to find a proper job for you, and that takes time. I think I saw more then 12 of those agencies. 

I think I will spend one day or a afternoon to visit some of them, cause I still need a job.What will happen next with me? What's on the next program? Next Tuesday I have a appointment with the owner and with my counselor. We will have a talk about  wether I can stay here for the 24-hour program or not, Cause now I'm just here cause I didn't had a place to stay, well, I had but, it was much to expensive, and my time was up there. The reason why Humanitas took me in is called a 'emergency call'. Either way I have less worries now, and that's a relief. But still no job and income, Friday I will have to call with Gak again and my counselor is keeping contact with the government, cause Humanitas needs to be payed aswell, not by me but by them. Still lots to do, it keeps my thoughts a bit laway from Canada. Yes, I still miss Saf and the kids, specially the kids. 

When I think of them for only two seconds I get it hard again. But you know what? In the end I will still miss them but I will have a better feeling about it I guess. But were not there yet, those missing feelings and sad feelings will come back. In the end it will all be a good memory! No more sadness then, I hope, though I will never, never forget them. I really had a great time with Saf and I know for 1000% I will visit them again. Keeping contact with Saf and the kids means alot to me. I have a good feeling about the future, it feels good. 

 #A little confession: in the evening before I go to sleep, I put a picture from Tasn on my night table. Weird?  No, cause I miss her, and this way doing that makes me feel good, so, not weird for me.

You got to move on....

You got to move on....

12:05pm

Sometimes my friends say, "You got to move on, keep the memories with you but, move on." It's sure not easy to move on. My friends sure think of me, I could not continue without them, and I preciate that alot! I have to move on but where do I start? This week  I need a message back from Humanitas, if not?  Then I'm in BIG trouble. Cause I will be homeless then. I did some research on the internet for intstantions who can help me out when your homeless and don't have money. Searching to long for that makes me depresive and  not able to look any further. 

The stories of other homeless people on the internet is to much to handle, it makes me think, "Why me"? "I don't want this"! "Is this reality?" It sure is reality , and I have still  so much to do, but first thing to do  is to find a roof over my head this week . Today I will call with 'Gak' again. I'm already guessing what they will say, "Sorry Sir, your letter didn't recieve yet, can you call again in five days?" Sigh!

I just sent a mail off too Humanitas asking them if they already had some good news, maybe I shouldn't, cause it's still early to respond to them. Friday me and my counseler filled in the form and we spoke to a lady of Humanitas, it's Tuesday now, yesterday maybe they recieved the form, and then they will talk about it today. I just couldn't wait, cause I'm nervous and scared about the result. It feels like 'they' are my last hope.

I was thinking of other Family members who I can maybe call and ask for a place to stay, but those Family members I haven't spoke in years. And then to ask them would be akward, and how on earth do you ask something like that? So much to concern, I hope I have better news in the afternoon,cause I need to cheer up this blog! Don't worry it's comming! It will come.

And it came... 


18:12 pm


So, I went to my Dad again, just like yesterday to call with Gak. Dad wished me a happy birthday, and gave me some money in my hand, but I gave it back. I said to him, "Keep it for now, I might need it later in the week." He said, "Okay." I grabbed Dad's phonebook to look up some Family members and friends, cause the time is running out, I need a place to stay this week . I wrote down  a few adresses from people I know, you never know if they have a place for me.


Time to call Gak, I wasn't even nerves cause I was guessing already what they would say. And I was right. A lady picked up the phone and told me the same story again, the letter did not come yet, it takes five work days till a letter arrives, call back Friday. Sigh! They became to sound like parrots, I wanna bet if I call them back on Friday, they still don't have the letter. Even when I would bring the letter to them I swear they will do nothing with it. I was about to give up! I called my counseler to tell him about the phonecall to Gak. 


He was angry aswell and he asked me what I done lately.I told him that I was still looking for houses and places, and still looking for jobs. My counseler wanted to make a phonecall again with the goverment. And he told me he will call back later. I waited 30 minutes and decided to go home, cause I knew the counseler will send me a mail later. When I arrived at home I opened my laptop, and saw alot of birthdays wishes on Facebook. It does me good when people think of me and that they concern, even though they far away. 


I opened my mailbox and saw the counseler's mail, he wanted me to call him back right away, it was important! I took my coat and ran to the office of the summer camping, I asked for a phone and called my counseler, he had good news. He told me that Humanitas wanted me tomorrow  early in the morning!  I couldn't believe it, and got a bit nerves but felt aswell excited. "This is so all of a sudden," I thought. I need time to relax and prepair myself first when such things happen, but there was not much time. This is a next step forward for sure. 


After the phonecall I spoke right away to the lady of the farm, cause this was my last chance to talk to her, tomorrow early in morning I will be gone. I needed to pay her but I can't, she knows about my situation and she knows I can't pay but she asked me anyway. I told her I can't but I will for sure pay you before the weekend. The lady had doubts first, but agreed later. I felt sorry, cause if I would have the money I would pay her. It feels bad that it has to be like this. I'm sure going to pay her, no matter what!  How? I don't know.


Early up for me tomorrow, suitcases are packed, I'm actually ready to go. What can I expect there? I don't know and I will see, I know I can't stay here. What about internet? I don't know either, I hope they have internet. Keeping contact with my friends is important for me aswell,and writting in the blog to keep you guys informed. 


For now I will say, perhaps see you at Humanitas or elsewhere, we sure will keep in touch!  
I'm ready for my next step trough this proces.... Are you with me?

They say it's my Birthday! (February)

Yep! it's after 12:00 in Europe and I'm oficially 43 now!

43 Hooray's for me...

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray!

Back to reality...

Back to reality...

11:08 am

It's been quit a weekend, now it's time to get back on track. I'm still concerned about my situation, and ofcource that's normal. This week I will get results from my income, this week aswell I will get results from Humanitas. Lots of fingers crossed here this week, I will need some prayers. Tomomorrow my Birthday. (43) I Guess I won't celebrate it that huge. Today also at 3:15 the dentist appointment. 

I will bring the money with me to the dentist, I still have to pay them. I wanted to pay them last Friday but they weren't there. I'm sure I will get a second bill for the treatment today, one filling and one root-canal treatment, ouch! I have no clue how to pay the second bill. I have been searching online this morning for some jobs but without succes, I even putted an add on a selling site, telling that I need a job, and asked aswell for advice and tips. First I will have lunch and then at 1:30 I will be heading off to my Dads. I haven't seen him the whole weekend.

8:05 pm.

The dentist went fine, when I got there the Dentist asked me right away, "Do you now have the money with you?" He smiled. I said, "Yes, but not for this appointment, I can only pay you the appointment from last week." He had to think a while and decide to not help me further and explained why. But, he will empty the fake filling what he putted in last week, he told me. That was needed, cause the filling had a medicine aswell. 

The dentist was telling me, "When you got your money sorted out, you can call us and we will continue then." I told him that I surely will try to sort it out this week. The dentist is a very nice guy. He told me you have to come back for the next fake filling cause the filling you have now only lasts 2 weeks. I thanked him and said, "I will be back!"

Before I went to the dentist I went to my Dad, he just had a nice lunch. When I came in, the nurse came with cookies and coffee, we both took some. Dad eats to much but his weight is still okay. Dad is getting old,  he wanted to take a candy out of a candy bag, and it took him almost more then 5 minutes. He has always the TV on watching the news, I looked aswell and was thinking of things. Things what made me feel down, a sad mood came over me.

I was thinking of the future, and what will happen this week. The thinking made it not easier when I looked at my Dads picture frames. He has alot of pictures still of Saf and me and the kids. Looking at the pictures made me think of them, I thought to myself, "How did it ever came so far?" I miss them still! I really had a good time there, I was loved. I longed for hugging the little ones, Ab and specially Tasn. I nearly cried and I wanted to leave.

But it was way to early for the dentist appointment. I sat a little while in the bathroom, just to be alone. I don't like these moments, it's hard to let your tears run, it sure would be a relief, if I was at home I sure would cry cause I was close to crying.  It's not easy when you been a part of a loving family, and the all of a sudden alone. I guess I have to blame myself. I saw my Dad was concerned aswell, I think he now realizes what's going on with me.

He would like to help me out, but he just can't. On a certain moment he stood up and wanted to go downstairs. I asked him where he was going, and he said, "Downstairs, are you comming?" "Sure," I said. It was a bit akward that Dad so all of a sudden went downstairs. He's concerned, I can tell. When we got downstairs, he told me, "I will see you tomorrow." I said, "Alright." And off I went to the grocery store, then off to the dentist. It was cold out and I wished I brought my gloves.

It's sure is going to be a long proces...

They say it's your birthday...

They say it's your birthday...

February the 1st, I will be 43, blimey! I wondered already where do these grey hairs come from. I'm sure getting old. Do I like getting old? Not really, LOL! Do you?  Am I worried about my age? Naaah! Just a bit.

On with this day, Sunday today, it was for sure not a sunny day, it was grey and cold. I talked to someone online last night, and she told me to go out and sniff some air. I had it bad last night,  you could say the whole day actually. The deleted pictures argue between Saf and me yesterday hitted me good, still I don't blame her being angry. My heart is heavy lately.
I've been researching today online trying to find a recovery thingy for my computer. Just trying to see if  I could get the deleted pictures back. I even found (I thought) on Facebook a topic about "How to get your deleted Facebook pictures back." After a while I stopped cause in the end it's no use, cause it was all fake sites trying to get money out of your pocket. "Am I going nuts? No! Do I have to do this? No, don't you have other things to do? Yes, but, I thought, "Let me just try this, and I will see what happens." Blame it on my guilty feelings.

It was time to get out of the house to sniff some air, just like I planned. I made a few sandwiches and grabbed an apple (lunch) And there I went, I jumped on my bike and headed to the forest. It was cold and grey but it was nice, the air did me good. I didn't went that far cause the forest was close by, I took some nice pictures aswell. Come have a look...

Forest art!

 

 Farmers cutted down tree's to make a new forest.

                                 There was ice  when I biked further and further uphill

 

                                                                        Nice right?

 

                                                 Going uphill, it went colder and colder.

 

                                                       You see the ice on the trees?

                                                      Misty and foggy in the forest!

 

                                             At summer you see here lots of deers.

 

                                                      And here it all began, uphill!

 

                                                                 An old farmers stable.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
Like I said I didn't feel like going far in the forest, I rather stayed home. And do my things. But I was happy I went out. Lots of people go walk in the forest or elsewhere here in this village. What else can they do here on Sunday? Every shop is closed. Usually on Saturdays it shopping day, and lots of markets. Same ol' same ol', you gotta love it or hate it, there's no other way. Today I talked to Saf again, It was okay, and it felt good. I was quit nervous though, nervous to screw up things again, nervous of saying the wrong words. I really gotta stop that being so fragile and nervous.

Man up! Show wat you got, and don't be afraid! I'm sure Saf is feeling the same way, Man up! I'm a tiny bit nervous for the comming next week, cause there will be alot going on. Hopefully the meeting with 'Humanitas'will be there, hopefully Gak is going to pay me some money finally, either way if Gak does not want to pay, then the goverment HAS to pay. I hope this week will be good for me, first the dentist appointment at 3:15pm then Tuesday my birthday! I want just money instead of a cake. Money with 43 candles! 

"Things do not change, we change."

Changes....

Looking back at the time in Canada now, I sure I can say that I have changed and learned many things. I saw manors and behaviour of myself that I didn't even know I had in me. I sure lived a live in Canada, a thing I didn't had much back in Holland, it was always the same ol' same ol'. Nothing really happened back in Holland, I woke up had my breakfast and red the newspaper. Then computer, afterwards maybe some grocery or some householdings,  then cook dinner or made lunch. And that's it! Tomorrow? The same thing. 

Yes, pretty boring, but I didn't know else. I lived my life quietly, I was jobless. I had a few friends. Although I rather was alone I longed aswell for some people around me, more friends or a Family. Yeah, a Family! Sigh! that would be something. I was at a age that I longed for a woman and perhaps some kids, but they were hard to find. When I met Saf  I was in heaven, she was for sure my first love ever.

I couldn't care less she had 5 kids, I liked and loved them aswell. I was in love, but I held it a bit on the background when we first talked, cause for the same reason Saf wouldn't like me. I was nerves and scared. And funny that I kept that nerves and scary feeling all the time with me in our relationship. I was carefull, very carefull with her, I treated her like a porseline vase. Afraid to break our relation. I know it's not a good thing, I need to stand up for myself sometimes aswell. You could say I was fragile.

The carefullness didn't change, it's just the way I am. If I have a problem, I will try to solve it myself, and if I really, really need help I will ask for help to others. If there is something I don't like what 'someone' else did, I will complain to 'another' person but I wont go to the person who caused the problem. I've been challenged many, many times back in Canada with that problem. Most of the time I solved the problem, and complained afterwards. The people around me didn't like that. 

"Next time you go to that person, and you talk or complain to him or her," they would say, or they say, "Don't talk or complain to me, go to the person who  caused the problem." So now and then I had a little burst out, just angry at myself for not be daring enough or angry at the person who I didn't dare to go to, to say something about the problem they created. Yeah, I learned alot, but it wasn't complaining and arguing all the time, we had a great time aswell. We were happy together! We were a family!

It was a huge difference life then the life I lived in Holland. Maybe it was just to much, to overwhelming, to hectic, being then in a huge Family. I'm trying now to solve a puzzle in my head, I'm trying to figure out why I couldn't controle my anger sometimes, why did I had sometimes the burst outs? But do I have too figure it out? Is it neccessarry? Not really, but it bothers me alot, I'm feeling guilty and I'm asking myself, "Why didn't I do 'this' then, or, why didn't I do 'that' then." Would it have changed something? Yes! I really gave it a 100%, but, I guess I failed. After a burst out or a argue I felt regrets and told myself, "Never that again," and strangely enough it happens again. 

Sometimes I feel bad about the burst out I sometimes had, or the arguess Saf and I had, I still  have the feeling we didn't try to solve this problem. Ofcource we talked about it, many times, but it was more saying sorry and it won't happen again, and we moved on again. I felt bad after every argue or burst out. Saf responded mostly quitly and was ignoring me for a few days, no words. I hated that, but I learned that it wasn't a good idea to talk to her then. In the ignorance time from Saf, I thought alot, Was it my fault? was it hers? 

I tried to make sense of the argue or burst out I had, Usually after a argue or burst out I tried to make it good again with a bunch of flowers or a funny loving note or even a card. But I truly wish that Saf and I talked more about our/my problem, trying to solve things, trying to solve our relationship, solve the argues or burst outs, etc, etc. I have the feeling we mostly never did this. I wish Saf talked more or gave me a kick in the butt, saying, STOP! it's enough!

Saf and her kids were the family I wanted, they were not just a Family. They were special and very interesting. I was happy with Saf and her kids,I love them and I cared and still do.  Although we broke up, I'm still happy that I was a part of the Family, these 3 years in my life with them I will treasure and will never forget. That's why I want to keep contact with them.

But I need to move on aswell, and so has Saf and her kids. I will miss them! It sounds like a goodbye now, but it's not. That's why the thought in my head, 'friends forever', I said it many times, I want to keep contact with them, and I won't tell why, cause that I said already a 1000 times. About the fight about the deleted pictures on Facebook, that hurted me deeply, I thought, "I really hope we still can be friends." I know I need to move on with my life, cause I have some major problems. But yesterday with the deleted pictures, I couldn't care less about my other major problems, there friendship was more important for me then anything else.

Geesh, am I going nuts? Can't I get over our break up? Yes, I can, but don't forget that these 3 years of my life I lived a life what I always wanted. I had a lovely girlfriend, I had kids calling me Daddy, I took care of them, readed them stories, I was a husband and a Father, I can go on and on. That's why it's important for me to still be friends, cause that's the last thing I have of them, and I don't want to loose that. From now on I will treasure this friendship.

Yes,I know I'm a wrack at the moment, and repeat the same words over and over, or make a mess with my sayings, but it's just the way I am right now. I will get trough this! With them, and not without them!

Hold a true friend with both hands....

Hold a true friend with both hands....

Last night after a long day, I was relaxing on the computer. And Saf came online on MSN, and wanted to chat. My heart pounded cause I always get a bit nerves when she comes online. It ended up in a huge argue, what I totally didn't expect. I said, "NO, I don't need this right now." I was scared,  shaking, and afraid to loose her. Here's what happened.

Saf asked me about the family pictures on my computer. (My computer is now hers, I left it for her in Canada) We use to always take loads of pictures when we were out with the kids, or when we went to karaoke. After uploading them on the computer I add them on Facebook. We had tons of pictures.  Sometimes after adding them on Facebook, I deleted them from my computer, cause if I wanted to see them I would or can go to Facebook. Sometimes I letted them stay.

You could say I was the keeper of the pictures, but not on purpose, it just happened that way. I love to take pictures and add them on Facebook to show them to other friends. Sometimes Saf came to me to ask for pictures aswell, I never refussed. Cause they were her kids and we both shared the picture moments, She had pictures herself too.

Saf needed a few pictures from Tasn, cause she had a few frames  for her new bedroom. She couldn't find them on my computer. And I explained what I did to pictures. "I deleted them along time ago, cause I don't need them on my computer, and most of them are on Facebook anyway," I told her. Saf went furious, and couldn't believe I deleted them. I didn't had time to explain myself clearer. She wrote not a nice post on her Facebook. Details I won't share.

Saf was angry and dissapointed cause I deleted the pictures from the kids and me and her. "3 years, a good memory all gone!" she shouted! Here's a little story of what happened a while ago, right after our break up...

The day Saf and I broke up I got upset,  I just couldn't believe what she said. "I want to end the relation," I got dissapointed and my first escape was to my room and to my computer, but I did not want to share things on internet. I had a little peek on Facebook, and saw the pictures from Saf's kids and Saf and me. I was thinking, "Well, I don't need them anymore, it's over and out." And with my sad/angry face I deleted them all. Sigh!! I felt regrets afterwards, but I couldn't do a thing to add them again, my reaction was to fast. 

The pictures were gone, gone from Facebook, and I didn't have them on my computer either, cause I deleted them a while ago, long before we broke up. Cause, again, I didn't want to have so many pictures on my computer, when I clean my computer I delete sometimes pictures what I don't need anymore aswell. I thought then, "I have the pictures from Saf, me and the kids on Facebook, if I need to see them or I have to use them I will go there."  But now everything is gone, I realized that, and felt deep regrets. But what can I do to get them back!

I felt sad for her and wanted to make up with her big time! I need her as a friend and I need the love of her kids, I don't want to loose them! She asked me to mail her every picture I still had on my laptop, and that's what I did. I mailed tons of pictures, I  copied aswell pictures from Facebook. When I saw all the pictures, I saw that we both had a great time, we have so many pictures still on Facebook. 3 kids from Saf has a Facebook account, even the cats have profiles.

While I was copying I thought, "Why doesn't she go to Tasn's profile to find some pictures there from her? Saf knew already that I deleted the  pictures on Facebook on my account, but there are tons of pictures from us and the kids on the kids accounts." But still that doesn't give me the right to delete the pictures. I still remember that she got mad when I deleted the pictures on Facebook, right after our break up. We have spoke to each other then at that moment and in a way we solved it. Why do I do such things? I wish I could turn the pictures all back cause, I miss them too. Silly me!

Saf came a few times back on MSN, and she told me to stop copying pictures on Facebook. I wanted to solve the argue and I think she wanted it too. She wanted to know a few things aswell and she asked me for it. I explained the things, but it got out of hand. Saf was still mad and wasn't able to listen, I surely don't blame her! She had to get ready for work, and I know she doesn't like going to work with a angry head. I wish I had a bit more time with her. so we can solve this.It hurted me and I could not let it go.

Saf is mad and dissapointed and I understood a 100% why. I feel sorry and I would love to talk it out with her, what could/can  I do? Nothing. I really hope things will turn as normal, I would do anything for that. The only thing what was left was our friendship after our break up, and that kept me going, I was happy with that. Her kids means more to me then she will ever know! I don't want to act like the sad guy and Saf the bad girl. I feel ashamed for what I did and it hurts. I can't let it go at the moment.