Mondays...

Monday's... 

First day of the week was nice, working, sunshine, wooden seats, some new work people, ice-cream, it was all there. Maybe it's getting anoying when I constantly keep repeating it, but, I LOVE the work that I do at the moment. Today I made four little baby seats, actually they are two-sitters, or how you call them. The Boss gave me a paper with the measures of the wood and how much wood I needed. And that was it, no picture how the seats looked like, "Make something out of it, aslong it's a wooden baby seat" the Boss told me. And so I did. Last monday I made one little wooden baby seat, and it took me a whole day. Look at me now, and that on a Monday! 

 I haven't got much to write today, I described my whole day above here. I can write more about my work but hmm, naah, I don't want to keep talking about that my job is great and that this job/work came on the right time. Tomorrow I will take some pictures from the wooden two-sitters, and post them here. I think 'Spring' is around the corner here, waiting for us. Today was a nice day, we hitted the 11 degrees. Still a bit of a cold wind but in the sun it was nice and warm. I can't wait till it gets warmer.

Yeah, I been brainstorming for 30 minutes, what to write more but can't think of anything. It's been a very nice day, had fun and enjoyed my work, the weather was perfect. So, yeah, I think I will end this post now. It's all good, tomorrow another day. 

P.s. A big shout to Anisah!  A sweeter smile, A brighter day, Hope everything turns out better for you tomorrow! 

Saturday, dinner day! Sunday, rest day!

Saturday, dinner day!  Sunday, rest day!

I woke up this morning around 7:45 am, atleast I thought it was. I putted on some clothing and turned on my laptop. Then I saw the clock on the laptop and it said 6:50 am, sigh, but I had a good sleep. Although my bed is small and from plain steel, I sleep good at night. So, what did I do yesterday? Yesterday was a sunny day, the sun was shinning trough my big windows and it was warm inside. But outside there was still a bit of a cold breeze, wearing a jacket was a must. 

It's the weekend and that means, find something to do, or have a rest. My room is next to the big kitchen on the second floor, sometimes there are people in the kitchen. When I hear them I sometimes go to have a look and join them for a talk, just like yesterday morning. There's this guy who I often talk too who has a Family, he has two younger kids and you can't miss the kids when there in the kitchen. They make alot of noise, but hey, there kids! I joined the Family for a talk, there was another guy too where I talked to.

At the end of the talk we both decided to make dinner for tonight, we all putted money together. I and the Mother of the Family bought groceries, seperate though, cause the Mother had more to do today. I bought the meat and the desserts, and some groceries for myself. It was busy in town, blame the nice sunny weather. The meat was expensive, but it was the only meat I could find what was less expensive, I bought mexican chicken burgers with bacon. The desserts was a hard choice too, expensive! I needed eight desserts, I made my choice, and payed for the groceries.

two Chipolate puddings, two macaroon cookies puddings and four yogurth flips for the kids. When I came back form doing groceries I took a nap, cause it was needed, I had a busy, full week behind me. I slept for an hour, then the Father of the Family knocked on my door, "Your comming? Were ready to cook." he shouted. I told him that I'll be right there. On the menu was cauliflower, potatoes, white beans in tomato sauce and meat, it was a nice and delicious dinner. The desserts we saved for later tonight, we were so full! 


This Saturday was going fast, I still needed some important things to do, like organizing my mail and get some things arranged. I saved that till Sunday. Sunday started off early, damn clock! I thought it was later. I have not much to write about Sunday, I rested alot. I took two naps and spent some time on my laptop, it was warm in my little room. Looking back at the month January and February I can say that I'm doing better, were not there yet, but that will come. I'm talking about my thoughts and my grieving. 


I learned that this takes time and that you can't force yourself to forget someone or something that reminds me of her, I have to get trough that proces and be patience. I got to a certain point that I just had enough of all the pain and suffering, that I decided to do the 'No contact,' otherwise you can't heal yourself, and making that decision sure wasn't easy, cause I didn't want to hurt anyone or do wrong to anyone. I noticed that my healing is sometimes taking two steps foward and one stepback, sometimes I'm fine with that Saf is seeing someone else and just sometimes I have this feeling of, 'ugh!' That is a very normal reaction. Watch me how I slowly progress. 

At the moment I'm okay with everything, I'm easier with my thoughts towards Saf and her kids. two or three months ago I was a wreck, I felt confussed and just didn't know how to handle things between her and her kids. I didn't know how to talk to them and in the same time not confuse them or upset them. I think I calmed down, and I'm amazed how I'm doing at the moment. Ofcource I still  have my moments of sadness and missing them, but I have these moments less, and if they come I let them come, cause that's needed aswell. Although I have the feeling that this grieving proces is going slow, I'm perfectly fine with it. There's no rush. But, although I'm feeling better now, there can come a time that I will have it difficult again, we just will see then. This is now and I'm okay, I'm feeling a bit better.

Second, it's fine with me if Saf wants to contact me so now and then trough an e-mail, I don't see the harm in that. But I need to settle things first and get trough this situation, I'm doing already better. Okay, I had my rest, and picked my working clothes for tomorrow's work. Work is good for me, I like it. It's going to be a full week again, and I don't mind, you know why.

A Hundred!!

A Hundred!!

Here it is, my 100th post, I'm not going to celebrate it with the fact that it's the 100th day after my break up with Saf. But just that I maniched to write so many posts in a few months, I wrote everyday a post. That was my goal, and it was sometimes a tough job. Writing in my blog helped me alot, everytime I had something going on, a worry, or something what was bothering me, or a sad feeling or just feeling happy, I shared it in my blog. It felt like a relief when I could write things down, hooray for my blog!!

So, here we go, I will write my 100th post and celebrate it with 100 things about me, just anything! 

1) My Birthname is Gerhardus, Johannus, Antonius. (woot!)

2) I'm Catholic.

3) When I was little they called me Sjonnie boy!

4) I don't like candy that much, I rather eat fruit, although a chocolate bar, hmm!

5) I can't wait to travel again! Explore the world!

6) I loved being a (Step)Father, hearing the word "Daddy," was a bless!

7) I love stripes! You can see it sometimes in my clothing, lol!

8) The first thing I put on when I wake up are my socks.

9) I played the caracter Joseph from Maria once in school, I had only 3 lines.

10) I was afraid of the school dentist!

11) I'm not a good communicater, when I talk I like to talk 1 to 1, or in small groups.

12) I love kids! And not only when they sleep, lol!

13) I joined a BMX-group when I was 9. I did races, and trained alot.

14) I enjoy listening to all types of music, anything what moves me and touches me.

15) I never used drugs, or smoked. It's not my thing.

16) When I come back from being out I put on comfy house clothing, what I usually never did!

17) I locked my sleeping door at night when I was a teenager, just because I was scared in the night. The thought of someone coming in while you sleep, yikes!

18) I like taking walks when ever or where ever they lead me to.

19) I like perfect seasonal weather, a good cold snowy winter, a rainy fall with lots of leaves, a warm spring with lots of new born flowers, and a damn hot summer with lots of sun and so now and then a hard thunder.

20) I spend my vacations in Germany, Spain, Holland and Canada. Canada was the best, ofcource!

21) At the moment I have more clothes then money, sigh!

22) I never knew that Karaoke was such a hype in Canada, I didn't see any Japanese singing in Canada though.

23) My favorite songs to sing at Karaoke were, The Pixies and The Beatles.

24) I would love to have some cats in the future, funny enough I never was a cat person before, Mom and Dad were always having dogs.

25) I always wake up early, I don't ever need an alarm clock, I am the alarm clock, lol!

26) I don't like the smell of leather.

27) Peanutbutter jelly sandwisches make me smile so now and then.

 28) I love waking up around 5:30 when the sun rises and the birds are singing, and the sleeping room is catching some sunlight, and then turn around and sleep a bit longer.

29) I rather watch what's on my laptop then watch what's on TV. (What?, LOL!)

30) I like fruit drinks, milk or water more then  a pop or soda!

31) Put me a wig on or a funny hat and I automaticly get in a funny pose, and die from laughing!

32) After I red a newspaper, ask me if there was any news in it, I could not answer you cause I wouldn't know, I just don't remember.

33) I hope I get to the '100' before I go to bed!

34) When I turn on my laptop, the first thing I check is Facebook, and the last thing is my mail.Or not even.

35) I bought a electric toothbrush a long while ago, and I never used it, I don't know why.

36) I like big mugs and I cannot lie. Big mugs while drinking coffee or a tea, I like that.

37) I always wear white (Alan Red) T-shirts under my clothing.

38) I was nine when I could ride a bicycle, I never stopped riding a bicycle after that. I don't have a driving licince, and I'm okay with that.

39) There's a special little place for a girl named Tasn  in my heart. (She stays there)

40) I don't like smoking, specially people who smoke on the street.

41) I would love to buy a espresso coffee machine, but I have no clue how it works.

42) I would love to meet some of my Facebook friends.

43) I don't like to swim in the sea, I rather swim in a pool where I can see the bottom.

44) When I see a young couple with children, I envy them. I wish I was a bit younger.

45) Are we there yet? 

46) I don't want to save my money before I get old and grey, I'm going to spent it before I get old.

47) I really would love to see a whale in real one day.

48) I know what I really want now in life, It's good to have a goal.

49) At Tim Hortons I had the best coffee ever!

50) I can't believe I'm at number 50! Fifty more to go, ready? 

51) The songs that most stick in my head are from The Pixies.

52) I stole a bicycle once at a trainstation, because someone stole mine too.

53) I'm perfectly fine with my body, only when I see myself I always think, geesh! I'm so tall!

54) I realized that I'm stronger then I thought.

55) I'm not so technical, but I'm handy in doing things, and getting things done.

56) I could have had a sister, but she passed away with her birth. Her name would have been Monique.

57) I am not a neat-freak or clean-freak, but I like to clean and organize. (Hope that makes sense, lol)

58)I changed alot in the last three years, in a good way. I am thankfull for that!

59) I really don't like olives, I don't have a clue why people like them, it's the same with spicy food.

60) I like to do nice things for others.

61) I am sure I will get trough this proces and get better day by day.

62) when I was 18 I joined a guitar lesson group. I sucked in reading notes, and still do. 

63) I lived in Amsterdam for one and a half year, I was a DJ and went to House parties from 1992 untill 2000!

64) I wonder sometimes if my Mom would have still lived, if my life would have been different then.

65) I haven't been to a hairdresser in years! (woot)

66) I want to treasure the memories from the last 3 years. Love you guys!

67) I'm worried that this will be a long sit writing these 100 things, LOOL! 

68) I love to hear something in the night, for example a ticking clock or cars driving by, absolute quitness at night scares me a bit.

69) I am not a pervert, not even at number 69!

70) My favorite part of fruit is the taste of it!

71) I rather go bald then have grey hairs.

72) I can play a trumpet very well, I use to have alot of trumpets and collected them, ....NOT!

73) I think way to much, but, don't we all?

74) I think when I'm at number 80 I will have a coffee break! In a BIG mug!

78) In the past I had several lessons in being assertive. I know how to be assertive, but being it, hmm!

79) I am a good person! No wait, I'm a GOOD person!

80) Coffee ----------------------------> Break!

81) The akwardest thing with me is that my thoughts are in a english language (mostly all the time) And when I speak out my thoughts I speak Dutch.

82) When I was a kid/teenager, I always looked away when the kissing parts came in movies, LOL!

83) I'm worried to cry at funerals.

84) I can't bend over and keep my knees straight and then touch the floor with my fingers. Is it the fact that I'm to tall? 

85) Fifteen more to go till 100!

86) I'm an Aquaruis, and I'm not a good swimmer!  I have only one  swimming diploma. A!

87) The very first gorgeoust girl I ever seen and had a crush was 'Rolien.'  I was six and in grade 4.

88) The best cook I ever met was Saf. Damn, she could make anything! 

89) My Dad was a hard worker, he gave several times his working money away to his Mom (Grandma)

90) I don't want to fall back in the same patern, I have the oppertunity to change my life completly and I will, that's my goal.

91) I lost a wallet once in Amsterdam, I gave up searching after a whole day. four months later I got the wallet back, it was sent to me in a package by a woman.

92) I have met some truly amazing people trough the internet, and I hope that that will continues.

93) I have more online-friends then friends outside the internet.

94) I'm not a macho, I dislike macho's.

95) Fifty-nine (drumroffle)

96) I'm a quiet sleeper, you can fold the sheets in any shape, I will wake up and the shape of the sheets will be the same. Another thing I like to cover my self while sleeping when I'm cold.

 97) I just finnished my Chipolata pudding, and I'm full. (300gr.)

98) I use to cry when the music was to loud in the Church, I think I was six or seven back then.

99) My bloodpressure has always been good, once my doctor refussed with checking it on me, 'it's always good,' he told me.

100) Hundred!!! I found it harder than I expected it to be to come up with 100 things to say about myself.

Pffeeeeww, what a blast! I made it, and that with one coffee break! Tomorrow I will tell about my day today and ofcource tomorrow, for now I will say, Goodnight and sweet dreams!

On to the next 100! 

.

A bit of a relief...

A bit of a relief...

Funny, recently when I begin with a new post, and the days are getting closer to the 100th post, my thoughts are that I should do something with the 100th post. But what? Celebrate? Celebrate that I accomplished the 100th day? Or, celebrate that I maniched so far? It would be akward to do that, hmm, I don't know, we will see. It's almost weekend and I can feel it, the feeling of slightly a loneliness, or boredom. Weekend is all about making plans for yourself here, or just  rest from the last full week. I wish the weather would be better, so it would be more pleasant to go outside. If I had more money it would be easier aswell, I can go out and explore things, go to a musea or go look at shops. No, I'm not complaining, lol! I have plans for my future, plans to see the world. 

Since I traveled up and down to Canada, I would love to travel more, seeing New York is my goal, wow. Before that, I would like to have a nice (decorated) house and a good (paying) job, no matter what job, aslong as I'm enjoying it it's fine with me. A new woman? I have been thinking about it, but, I'm not ready yet. Ofcource some nice lady CAN cross my path, miracles do happen, lol. But for now, I need to settle first. Cause, I have nothing to offer her yet. Yes, I can offer her my love, my feelings and my careness, but that's it, it should be enough though. But I'm not looking yet. Sure I would love to have a woman in the near future, nothing is better to share your life with a loved one. And kids, sigh and damned, lol! I wish I was thirthy again! I love kids!

Today I had a little bit of nerves, cause of the ING. I needed to go there and speak up to get my new password for online banking. Last MondayI recieved already my users name, it's a normal procedure that you get two days after you recieved your users name your password. But instead I got another mail from ING, my travel insurance! I wasn't waiting for that! I needed my password, but good though that I got the travel insurance aswell, cause I didn't even remember I had one. This insurance needed to be stopped, I can't afford it. So, this morning I got all my guts together and went to the ING across the street. Handy when the bank is  so near you.

A woman helped me out and I told her what I needed, she was friendly. I told her that I really need my new password, it's urgent. ING thought that I already had a password, it should be on my mobile phone. Before I went to Canada for the ten days visit, (March 2009) I asked for online banking and within two weeks I had it. I recieved my password trough my mobile phone to log in for online banking. (normal procedure) When Saf and I were in Holland for four weeks, I tried to log in to my account from ING,  but I didn't remember my password, online banking could be handy when your in Canada, but you need to remember your password, sigh! I went totally blank, I couldn't remember my password! I tried three times to log in, but it blocked after trying three times. Sigh! So, here I am, at the ING and they thought I still had a mobile phone and  a password, and that I just needed a new users name. 

The woman helped me out and told me that I will recieve three or four mails, and with these mails I have to come back to them, to confirm the mails. The last mail will have my 'new' password. It would have go much faster if I had a mobile phone, but I don't have one. If all goes well, I will be doing online banking within eight or nine days. Then the travel insurance, "I need to stop that insurance," I told the woman, "Cause I can't afford it." Usually you have to write ING a letter to stop such thing, but okay. It was a nice woman and she wrote the letter for me, another problem solved, it's a relief. Like I said before, all is going well but slowly and you need alot of patience.

I made a list today with the things I wanted to do, still I need to do a few things from that list. But I guess next will be fine aswell. I needed to call the housing corporation in Almleo (the city where I live) I signed in last week and they asked me to call them later in the week. (I forgot) And I needed to call a doctor, cause that's what I need aswell, a own doctor. I called a doctor  two days ago, and asked the assistant if they still take new patients. I should call back later this week the assistant told me. I called today but the doctor wasn't there. Sigh! 


Up comming Monday, first thing to do, call the doctor and call the housing corporation. But first weekend! 

That was akward...for a moment...

That was akward...for a moment...


Another full day at work, and I'm loving it. I worked alone today at some wooden tables, two other guys were doing something else. The radio was full on and we sang some songs, fun! I made three small wooden tables, without a picture, just a few models and trying to figure it out how to make it. The Boss was fine with it, when the shift was almost ended I was done with the tables, all three of them. I love my work, and no, I'm not over-reacting, lol!

When the working day ended today I was exhausted, three days is really the limit what I can do, perhaps four days but, for now it's only three days. My boss told me today to take care of your energy with your sick thyroid, there is no rush and take a look how you handle your energy. I have that sometimes in me that rushing, until a certain limit though. If I had enough and I'm out of energy I will slow down, it's a must.

Somewhat akward moment this morning, I mean in the first place it was akward, but in the end it was just nothing, or... I think most of you know that I stopped having contact with Saf, just so I could focus a 100% on my future. I always felt that I focussed more on her and the kids then what I really had to focus on. There friendship was more important for me then anything else, it's okay to stay  friends but, if it stops you in doing much more important things, then you have a problem. And I think Saf and I both figured out that friendship is not working after a 'fresh' break up.

I really don't hate her, all I ever wanted (and I think Saf does too) is/was to break up as friends, and not to break up as enemys or with angry faces. That's for me important. Okay, back to the akward moment, I had a e-mail from Saf this morning, and it made me feel akward, cause it's been a while since I saw her on my hotmail messages. I choosed for the 'no contact.' I felt myself pushed back two months, what could be in the mail? Is she upset? I was worried.

The mail was just about that I had to correct something in my blog, and she asked me how I did with my work. But (I guess) my reaction back to her was to impulsive, I answered her questions and corrected the things in my blog, no big deal. Then I explained her about the 'No more contacting with her,' why I did it and why I wanted it, in a nice way.  It was tough and hard to write 'that' down, because how on earth do you explain someone who you not hate, where you would  like to stay friends with, to not contact me anymore for a long while?

I made it myself so difficult this morning, I finnished the mail, I red it over a ten times and corrected it several times, just to not get Saf upset. I'm not ready yet for contacting her. Saf just wrote me a short mail with a few questions, I should have just answered it and let it be. Maybe I shouldn't have answered the mail with the 'no more contacting' explaining. Just had to answer her questions and that's it. I hope she gets my point and understands me, I'm moving on and she does too, both seperad ways. 

But still I'm hoping, that in the near future we can contact each other again, just a quick hello, or a 'how are you doing,' I would like to  know if we both are happy with our own lifes. Gosh, I hope this post made some sense.... I can't express myself sometimes with words. 

The 'free' dinner tonight was delicious, it was rice with veggies and chicken breasts. I was hungry and ated two plates. I was full! I'm a little concerned about my money, the ING does take so long. I want to do online banking,  and the ING sent me already my username by mail. Now I'm waiting for my new password what ING needs to sent, if I can do online banking I can copy my bankstatements from the last three months.

I need these bankstatements so hard, cause the CWI wants to see them, so that I can finally fill in my form for my extra money. It's been almost 6 weeks for asking ING for online banking, ugh! Today the ING sent me a mail and I thought it was the new password but no, it was the travel insurance from ING what I asked for before I went to Canada. It's a continueing insurance, meaning I have to pay for it every year. Well, I want my password ING! And not a continueing travel insurance where I can't pay for.

Correction~ 

Like I said Saf sent me a mail and she asked me to correct something in, so here we go. Saf and I were in a relationship for one and a half year, I met her in March 2009. Then I went back to Holland for two weeks, after the two weeks I returned to Canada for six months. The six months were ended and I returned for a month to Holland, Saf and Ab joined me a week later. After the four weeks we both returned to Canada and I didn't return back to Holland. This all happened in 2009. Our break up was in December 2010 and I returned in January 2011 back to Holland. Counting this all up, makes it that I was in Canada for 1 year and 9 months. 


Why do I keep saying then three years? Am I such a bad counter then? Perhaps I started to count with 2009 as one year already, (2009/1), (2010/2), (2011/3?) Anyway, correction acomplished.

And then suddenly it hits you...

And then suddenly it hits you...

No work today, a nice day to rest and taking it easy. It's funny and nice that I look forward to things, like tomorrow's work, and even today's coffee break at 9:15 am. I'm happy that I have such things daily, it fills the day and the week. And sometimes a little rest by laying on the bed or chilling behind the computer, I need that aswell. I don't feel forced to do things, not from me and not from another. Otherwise it doesn't feel good when you have to do things to not get the sad thoughts. Forcing yourself to do things to not get the 'sad thoughts' or 'lonely feelings' doesn't work.

In the morning I always wake up early, don't know why. Usually 6:00 or 6:30, then I'm out of bed. Turn my laptop on and take my thyroid medication, and then later on breakfast. Maybe it's just the routine what I have, I'm liking it though. Today I sent the gi'cough'ft, by mail. I don't want to say it out loud, that's why the 'cough,' it need to be a suprise for that someone. It was a relief when I finally sent it, I always get a bit nerves with such things.

Today I got the new key aswell, I think the staff got a bit fed up with me ringing 3 or 4 times a day the front doorbell. I got me a new key chain from one of the residents here, so I wont loose it again. The key costed me 45 Euro, sigh! Further the day went well, it was alot colder then yesterday though, a strong cold wind brought the tempature down. 

I had some down moments aswell today, the first one hitted me this morning after the coffee break. Suddenly it hits you, five minutes before I was having fun, and then suddenly, 'beng.' You feel sad then and a bit lonely, thinking of Saf of how she is doing, or the kids, how they are. I know Saf is seeing someone, and yeah, it hurts so now and then. Sometimes I can handle it and then I think '"Whatever," or "She's moving on, and it's fine with me, she's happy." I'm moving on aswell. And yeah, sometimes aswell I have my sad thoughts, then I think, "Saf's happy now with the other one, that other one was once me." 

The last three months were horrible between Saf and me, I was so confussed and tried everything to be calm and just to let it go, but it was to hard. I can't really explain it how I felt then, or what I feel at the moment when Saf is with the other one, I can't put it in words. But I can tell you it hurts so now and then, like I said, sometimes I'm fine with it, and sometimes, ugh! It's aswell an upsetting or sad feeling when I'm thinking, that I'm here trying the hardest to build up my entire life, and Saf is having fun with another man. I never experienced a break up, and I guess this is just the way it goes. Saf is moving on with her life, and she can do whatever she wants, and I can do the same.


I know this takes time and I know I can get trough this, cause I already have moments that I'm just fine with it. Although I'm feeling sometimes fine with it, I made an appointment this comming Friday with my counseler in Nijverdal. He's also the one who made it happen that I got to Humanitas. I made the appointment just to need that little extra help with my so now and then sad and lonely thoughts, there's nothing wrong with that. It will only make me better and stronger. Right?  


I'm ready for my brand new future!

Did you find the key yet?

Did you find the key yet? 

NOO! I did one last search last night and I will do one more search tomorrow morning in the daytime in daylight. Then if I don't find it I will ask for a new key, the manager told me to keep searching, if you don't find it you will get a new key tomorrow. The 45 Euro will be taken off from my money at Humanitas, I will get my weekly 40 Euro though, and I'm happy with that. I don't have money on my ING account yet, all the money I get (income) will go to the bank from Humanitas. They will keep aan eye on it untill I payed my bills, aswell the rent will be taken off from my room, fair enough!

A full day again,but the gorgeous weather made it all good. Although I like the warm weather (15 degrees) I miss aswell a bit the Canadian winter, I liked the loads of snow, it just has something. Work went fine this morning, I made three baby wooden chairs for in the garden, was fun to do. At 11:00 I had to go to Nijverdal, to the dentist appointment. I took my scarf of when I rided my bike, it was warm enough. Wind in my back and there I went, on my way I bought something for someone, it was hard to choose but I succeeded. I hope she will be happy with it.

What did I buy? I'm not telling, it has to stay and be a suprise. I visited my Dad after that,  he was still eating in the big dinning room with the other old people, he looked good and was happy to see me. Good old Dad, so weak now in his movements, but oh so strong inside. He will be turning 74 this year, it's been three years since I didn't joined his Birthday. I was 30 minutes early for the dentist, and I had a little nap in the waiting room, LOL! No one was there, so, I just closed my eyes. The dentist was fast this time, he cleaned my tooth (rootcanal treatment) and did a check up on my other tooth. He found four tooth that needed to be refilled, ouch mouth, and ouch wallet. 

Ofcource I will get some money back from my health insurance but the question is 'how much?' I will have to ask my dentist and my healt insurance next time. I need to keep my brains working with that, and don't start to  think that others will arrange everything. On my way back I had the wind in front and not in my back, ppffeeww, what a ride, I was exhausted when I arrived at Humanitas. I took a 30 minute break and then the to the next appointment, the counseler from Humanitas was waiting. She told me that I was doing well, and the things what need to be done are moving along. It's going slowly but okay, better then standing still, right?

The counseler told me that she finds me sometimes naive, in making decicions. I agreed with her, but I told her aswell that I changed alot in Canada. Before I moved to Canada I lived a totally different live in Holland, the changing made me confussed and the break up dammaged me aswell. I will get better, I'm half way. I feel a challenge aswell,  a new life, a new house, a new job, so many new oppertunities to live a different life. It's going well, but sometimes there are those down moments, and then your feeling not so well and you feel everything stands still. It's all part of this proces. I'm healing! That takes time.

I took a shower after the counseler appointment  and then made my dinner. How Am I feeling at the moment? I can say I'm okay, I'm happy that I'm here and that the things going well. It keeps my mind of things,  but it's also important to have a little grieve moment so now and then, to empty your sadness bucketand restart again with a empty one. Otherwise you feel like your escaping from the sadness,and then you might burst out in tears or have a huge break down in the end, and that's sure not healty.

Search... And you will find!

Search... And you will find! 

Sigh! I lost my key last night, the key to my room. I'm always so carefull with anything what's important, and now this. Let me explain, the key I lost is for to lock or unlock my room. On this key is also a plastic chip, with that chip I can open the main front door of the building where I'm staying and the iron gate to get out. Wow, now I made it sound like I'm in a prison, LOL! But no, it's all for safety. So, yeah, I lost that key, I have no clue where it is, last time I saw it and felt it, it was in my pocket. I really don't get it!

This morning when I went to work I made a little note for the office, telling them that I lost my key, and I asked them to lock my door, for just in case. I brought my laptop,wallet and the tons of pictures of Saf and her kids with me to my work, yeah I'm silly. At work I called to Humanitas's office, to ask if they want to locked my door and what I can do next. They told me that I have to keep on searching for a few days, perhaps it will show up again, it happens sometimes they said. If I really can't find it after a few days, I will get a new one, BUT, it will cost me 45 Euro,that's the normal procedure at Humanitas.

At work I had the whole day a sick feeling of this, I hate it when I can't find the key back and that I prolly have to pay for a new key. This week I just saved 30 Euro, and then Thurday I would get my weekly money, that will be 40 Euro.  The 30 Euro was for a present to send to Tasn's Birthday, and maybe aswell a new cell phone on Friday. Sigh! But okay, after writing this post I will do one more major look in my room. And that present for Tasn will be send anyway, no matter what!

After work when I went back,I had to ring the bell on the front door to get in the building. Then I had to find someone with a key who could unlock the gate outside, cause my bike was still at the front door. Third thing what I needed was to find someone who could unlock my room. All went well but, what a work. Tomorrow will be alomost the same procedure, someone has to lock the door of my room when I go to work, and when I come back, same thing again, ring the doorbell, open the gate, and unlock my room. I hope I find my key soon.

Today's work was fun though, that made my worries a bit lighter. We made little wooden children seats for in the garden, me and another guy made some mistakes, but we laughed hard and had lots of fun. It was all allowed, lol! Tomorrow will be a full day, I will work a half day and fly my way to the dentist. I have to be there at 1:30pm and my bike will bring me there. I really need to save some money now, so I'm not going with the train. Before the dentist appointment I will hop on at my Dad's place to see how he is.

After the dentist, if I survive, I will go on birthday/present hunting, for you know for who. Then back on my bike to Humanitas, I'm sure I will be exhausted. I'm still thinking about that key, don't you just *$%hjg%^* it when you can't find something what you really need, I just don't have a clue where my key is. The guys here told me to keep looking, and ask yourself where was is the last time you used it. Well, I looked there a million times, but it's not there. Okay, let me search one more time this room, and I'm gonna search majorly now. Be aware!

An hour later...

I can't find it, and I give up. It's just not here in this room, I'm sure. Maybe I bump into it the next following days when I'm lucky, I'll keep my fingers crossed. Otherwise I will just have to pay for the new key, it will be a week with keeping my money in my wallet. Let's see how it goes.

What to do on a Sunday...

What to do on a Sunday...

Sunday is rest day, and I rested big time. I had two naps, I was so sleepy today. I hope I will get some sleep tonight tough after these naps. I have been reading alot aswell today, on the laptop that is. I searched for relationship forums, yep! Maybe I shouldn't but, I just did, and perhaps I get some tips out of it. Counseling online, LOL! I saw some helpfull posts what could help me, I think I'm on the right pad but, I'm slightly interested in what others have to say about there break up. I will copy and paste a few lines... Here we go...

"No one can completely stop thinking about their ex after only one month."

"You really need to develop the mindset that: your ex is not a part of your life anymore. What she or he is doing or planning is none of your business. You need to focus on yourself and yourself only."

"The more you think about, "Oh what should I do that'll make me forget about her", the more you'll think about her. But the more you think of, "I don't really care", the more independant you'll get." 

"I finally went on my euro trip that I always wanted to do, and I'm focusing on myself, and travelling, which is really helping.. Its like taking a huge break after a long long long long chapter of my life.."

"Well, you got what you deserved for looking her up online. Use that memory so that you are not tempted to search for her next time."

"Get yourself busy and get into to shape. Focus on yourself and your goals. The past is gone and your future is ahead!!"

"Cutting contact meant that I had only to deal with the pile of pain already on my plate. No new shocks to the system."

These were my favorites, and I will keep them in mind. Some lines were so recognizable, and that made me feel good. I guess I'm not the only one, right?  Anyway, on with this day and telling you what's on my schedule this week. I'm glad this Sunday is going fast, Sunday's are boring here, but you knew that already. I have something akward to tell, and I shouldn't even tell it but, hmm. Alright, here we go! My bum-bone hurts, all the way down on my back, lower then low. (errmm) There's a bone there and it hurts. I think I know where it's comming from. Wrong sitting position behind the laptop...

I always sit on the bed with my back against the wall and a big pillow behind it, It's nice and soft, but sitting to long like that, hurts my bum. (blush) I turn around and try to avoid then my pain, ussualy if I move around it hurts a bit less. (can't believe I'm writting this, lol!) So, yeah everytime I sit on the bed with my laptop, there is this pain. I tried today to sit on a chair with my laptop, and I must say it's feels a bit better. But still I'm not happy with it, what on earth is a good position to sit behind a computer or laptop? Is the matrass to soft? Should I sit more straight up? I don't know... 


Anyway, it's 5:20 pm now, soon I will make me some dinner. What? I don't know yet. I had a good big lunch at noon, so, I guess I will make something light. This week my schedule is almost fully full, Monday there is the work, Tuesday a half day of work and then the dentist. Wednesday is my resting day, but I will prolly get some mail from ING, so I can get to work with my extra money. Thursday is again a working day, and Friday, I don't know yet. This week I want/must buy a little present for Tasn, cause in April it's her Birthday. The mail will take atleast 2 or 3 weeks to arrive. 


If I have it right with the date, it's the 6th or the 7th of April for Tasn's Birthday, she will turn 8. (woot!) Tasn is a sweetheart and has always a VERY special place in my heart, I learned her so many things and we spent so much fun time together. I can't believe she's already turning 8! She's such a cutie, she for sure needs a nice special present. I will write here a birthday card, and give her a little present, and a big present, for sure something special. I miss her!!


This comming Thursday someone from GAK (the company who sents me every month my money) will come to my work, that someone will talk to me about re-intergration. They work with a project where I work now. I started this project not only to get my mind of the situation where I was in, but aswell to see what I can do, what I'm able of to do. I really want a proper job, a job what fits me. 

Reha is perfect for me, they look at your skills and how much work you can do, and from there you can go re-intergrate to the next job. So, like I said, Thursday someone from Gak will come to have a talk about re-intergration, the re-intergration will lead me to a better job, a paying job! I'm taking it easy though, step by step, that's my motto!

Spring is here?

Spring is here? 

This is the third day with absolutely gorgeous weather, the sun is high in the sky, and it's not even cold. In Holland the Spring is mostly early, if it stays like this, I'm sure I won't complain. Today was a quit a good day, some ups and downs but okay, I'm steady moving on. There was a E-mail sent to me and that caused the downs today and last night, I still don't know who sent me the mail but who ever sent it, that wasn't so nice and what was written in that mail didn't do me good. According to the sender is Saf seeing another man, I didn't know last night if I should believe it or not, and you know what? It doesn't matter to me aswell. Ofcource, it hurts, I was sitting on the bed and stared at the wall for more then 20 minutes after reading that mail, I felt confussed and asked myself why many times. 

Why would someone sent me such a message? Why would Saf date another man so quickly? I just don't know. What can I do with it? Nothing! It hurts and that's all, Should I try to inform more about this, or ask her? No way! It will only give me more hurt! I'm done with this all, I need to continue and close the page, even though it's painfull. What Saf does is her own bussiness now, even though I find it akward and weird IF it's true that she is seeing someone else so fast. Anyway, I don't mind, it's time to leave it all behind me! So now and then I will message the kids to see how they are doing. Just a little chit chat about nothing, showing that I still care about them. But further no contact.

Like I said, today was a beautifull day, and.... I had a little date. (Woot!) My counseler at Humanitas and I went out to the market, It was time for me to look for a new cell phone, so we both had a look at some phone shops. We saw lots of phones for good prices, 20 Euro, 30 Euro, I don't need a cell phone with lots of extra's, I need to call and message and that's all. We informed for the prices and I think next week I will buy one, first I need to save a little more money. When our so called date was done we walked back and we talked, about life and Canada, sigh! I would like to close the page 'Canada,' but sometimes it just goes by itself when I or someone else brings it up. Almost arriving at Humanitas, my counseler bought for us both an ice-cream and I told her, "Next time it's my turn to buy one." 

You know where I'm happy with? That at the moment I can enjoy every little thing what happens to me, even small things, good things. Like for example the job I have now, I enjoy it, and I'm looking forward to my next 'real' job. If I look back, let's say 7 or 8 years in my life, I wouldn't  even dare to think about work. Maybe it's because when I came back from Canada, I had absolutly nothing, and now I'm getting the things slowly back what I had before, and those things make me happy. Things are slowly begin to settle, what I think is a miracle, cause I would never have thought that this would work out. And that is making me happy, I hope I have more in store! I'm more then ever ready for my future! Let's get it on!

Another mail I got today from my bank, (ING) it was my users name for online banking. I get a second letter from ING, telling me that I can pick up the password for online banking at my bank. I hope I don't screw up again like last time. Last time, just before leaving for good to Canada I asked aswell for online banking, it would come in handy when I'm overseas. But I screwed up, cause when I wanted to log in, I lost my password, (a black out!) I tried three times but after the third time, it blocked. And I couldn't get in, I needed to ask a new password but that would take me more then three weeks, and we didn't had time for that. The plane left in two days, bummer. Crossing my fingers this time.

I will get more mail from ING, they will send me next week the last bank statements from the last three months, I need them fast for my extra income. The guy from CWI wanted to look into some important documents, so he can decide if I have the right for that extra income. I waited more then five weeks for the bank statements now, finally they here!  Yay!

Scala and Kolacny Brothers - With or Without You

Earthquake and Tsunami...

Earthquake and Tsunami...

Another Earthquake and a following tsunami hitted Japan, more then 90 people have been confirmed dead. And there will be lots more, it's unreal if you think about it. It's unreal aswell if you see the scary pictures or movies taken by cell phone or camera. What an incredible power has our nature, and then you ask yourself why this, what have they done to deserve this? At the time when I'm writting this there are still aftershocks in Japan, and the tsunami is hitting Hawaii, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, Guam, the Philippines, the Marshall Islands, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, Nauru and Micronesia. May God be with them!

While I'm sitting here writting this post, there are people trying to save there own lives or other lives in Japan, can you imagine that? I'm trying to switch over from this tragic news to how my day went today, well, I have been following this horrible news and (here comes the switch, ready?) I have been eating pancakes. Some guys here at Humanitas organized a 'pancake afternoon dinner,' everyone one had to fill in on a paper how many they want and what kind. There were panckes with cheese, bacon, or apple, but aswell just plain ones. I had the plain ones and added syrup or jam on it.

The pancakes were thin so, I ated 7 of them, they were nice. But again, they were all sitting in the smoking area, cooking and eating while some others were smoking. Thank god some windows were open, I guess it will always a bit of an issue with me that smoking. I'm not complaining to them though, only in my thoughts, LOL! It was a nice day, not cold and sunshine, I did my grocery later on and took another 15 Euro of my weekly money. (40 Euro) I'm saving money for myself. And as last, I signed in at another Housing Corporation in Almelo, that's my third one. These corporation will also help me find a house for rent, I have to call them back next week Friday. 


How are my thoughts lately? My thoughts about Canada, Saf and her kids. Sometimes I don't even think of them, or I don't have the time to think of them. I'm busy and do alot of things at the moment, and now when I have this work 3 days a week, it's even more bussier. This 'not thinking of them' is good for me right now, it keeps me going what I have to do. Ofcource I will never forget them, and ofcource I have my moments sometime when I think of the kids and Saf. But it does hurt less now,I  still feel a bit pain of missing them. 


When I think back at the three years I was in Canada, it looks like the three years are getting shorter. Or is it that I'm so busy with things that I forget the time I was there? It's an akward feeling, but deep in my heart I will never forget Saf and her kids, cause I spent many time with them and most of that time was good. And when it happens again  when I get that akward feeling, I just remind myself the first week I was in Missisauga until the last week in Barrie. While writting this, I get flashbacks, flashbacks of the first week I was with Saf and the kids. 


I still remember the first week I was in Canada, one day in the late afternoon Saf sent Mar, Tasn and me to the nearest gasstation, to buy a huge box of donuts and timbits. It was raining softly and Tasn was running and not listening, Mar walked beside me and talked with me, I was still a bit quiet and in my 'getting used to the family' mood. But it was a nice feeling walking with them and them accepting me. They will be never forgotten. When I think of them now it goes alot easier, it's without less pain in missing them. One day I will think of them and say to myself, "Yeah, that were nice  days." 


I'm feeling good and okay, and I will be feeling better and better when the time is right. When that time is there, I will try to search contact again with Saf and the kids. Ofcource whenever they are ready, just plain friendship. There is nothing wrong or creepy with that. We will see  how it goes, at the moment I would like to settle my life first. It might take a while cause I'm a perfectionist, LOL!  Love you guys!!

A full day....

A full day.... 

Another full day has almost ended, I had a nice day at work. I went from half days to full days now, so, in total I have three days now. Perhaps after a month Reha wants to do four days, but everyone works there three days for now. At the moment there just not enough work for four  or five days. It's all good. I'm moving forward, a month ago I wasn't even thinking of work, I wasn't even able to aswell. But now it's good, I enjoy it. Infact I enjoy every little thing what I do now, all the little things I missed the last two months.

Finally today I got the 'change of adress' thingy at my bank, (I needed to deliver my new adress cause my bank thought I was still in Canada) now I can finally ask for my bank-statements from the last three months. I need them to ask for my extra income, (I'm still under minium wage) at CWI (CWI is the place where I go for the extra income) they asked if I could bring the bank-statements from the last three months. But that wasn't possible, cause I was in Canada for three years. Now being back in Holland I have to start all over again, with everything, aswell with my bank. If ING send me these bank-statements, then I can go to the CWI and deliver them and fill further in my file for the extra money. ING took so long! 


The care allowance, I'm gonna ask for that too, with all the risk. The last time I had care allowance I was still in Canada, and that is not allowed, I had to stop the allowance, but I forgot or I didn't know I still had one. If  the tax service finds out that I still had that care allowance while being in Canada, I have to pay everything back. But I'm gonna take that risk by asking them again for a new care allowance, maybe they find out that I was in Canada or maybe not. Tomorrow I will go to a housing corporation in my city (Almelo) to sign me in there, these people will find (or try to) a house for me to rent. I like it here in this city, although there is some crime here, it's fine with me.


This morning I sent two messages on Facebook, one was for Mar, and the other one for Noor. I felt a bit bad not communicating with them so much anymore, there is nothing going on between Saf's kids and me. I don't see a problem if I write them so now and then a little message, telling them I miss and love them or asking them how there doing. Although I'm here and build up my life again, I still care about them and wont forget them. I got a nice little message back from Mar, it did me good. She made me laugh aswell, but I'm not gonna say with what, LOL! That's our little secret, p.s. Mar thought I forgot her and the Family, aaww! I will never! 


I got a date this Saturday, serious? Yes! 


Well, okay, not really a date, but a going out with my counseler from Humanitas. She asked me yesterday all of a sudden what my plan was this Saturday, I was suprised to hear it. My counseler takes every week three hours out for some of the residents. She had two hours extra, and she asked me, we were planning to go to the market, and look aswell at cell phones. I need a cell phone says everyone, I just don't know. I really don't like them, there expensive with calling, and I can't call with them cause there not loud enough, But okay, looking at them is fine, and we will see if we buy one. 


Sweet dreams and sleep tight bloggers!

"Silince is golden,when you can't think of an answer."

"Silince is golden,when you can't think of an answer."

I wish there was less smoking people at Humanitas, sometimes I feel left out, lol! Now, there is one smoking section here in this building. My little room is right beside the big living room plus kitchen, and in that place it's alowed to smoke. Sigh? Yeah, sigh. I usually cook in that smoking area kitchen in the evening, it's comfy and always the same friendly people show up. We talk alot and make jokes and fun. The only thing what sometimes bothers me is that they smoke, when you have a bunch of 5 people sitting together who are smoking, you get alot of smoke. But that kitchen is aswell so close by.

And that isn't a nice smell when you cook or eat. Ofcource you can make the choice to go one floor lower, where there is the non-smoker kitchen and living room. You can cook aswell there, and eat your meal. The only difference is then, there is almost no one. No one to talk to, or have fun with. I spoke about it slightly with Humanitas, and they told me I should speak with the people who smoke, and tell them to stop for a few minutes while I'm cooking or eating. But,I don't know, I wouldn't ask someone to stop smoking for a little while in a smoker section. Maybe i'm not daring enough or I don't wanna bother them. 

Recently I hear alot of talks and gossips from the people who live here, and it gets me confussed. They talk about how Humanitas really doesn't do there business, according to them  Humanitas are  holding the residents just before there limit of 9 months, and then they suddenly help you out or not, just to get money. It's like they hold you on a line just to earn money. If you find a house soon while your here and you leave within a week or tow weeks, Humanitas wont earn money on you. I understand that Humanitas is a business and that they earn money from and on you, but in my eyes they help you out aswell. And if some people don't like it, you can change the things you would like to change, it's all up to you. Humanitas gives you a hand, but most of it you have to do by yourself.

They talked about Reha aswell, (The place where I work) A turkish guy who is staying here aswell, told me that Reha is just a day-activity and that's all. I had a long conversation with him last night, he told me that Fusion is much better for me. Fusion is just like Reha, but Fusion is a bigger company and has alot more people. They do things more professional. I talked about Fusion a week ago I think, I told then that Fusion looks more at the product they make instead of the employer, Reha is twisting that around. All these nag, nag,  talks makes me confussed and makes me think that I'm doing it all wrong. 

One thing the Turkish guy told me aswell, "Always understand that you are here for yourself, and not for anyone else." For example, if you have to go to Reha, but on that same day you have an important appointment, you have to go to to that appointment! Cause it's your appointment.(You might miss the opportunity for a place for yourself or miss some money you owned) Everything what you need to do to for, to get a job or to get a place for yourself , or for your income, THAT comes first! Not the work for Reha or Fusion. That saying I will surely keep in my mind, no matter what others say, even when you have a talk with Humanitas. 

Always keep in mind when the staff talks to you, or offers you something new, always think, "Is it good for me? Can I use it? Is it true?" And what else people were saying recently, all the nag, nag, talk, I don't mind. What I'm doing now feels good, Humanitas has a plan together with me, and I'm sticking to that. I had a appointment today with my counseler at Humanitas, and it felt good. Everything is going as planned, everything is going smooth. Ofcource It's alot of work but in the end it's all worth it. I'm happy how the things are going, you really have to focus on things. It's all good, cause the focusing I do keeps my mind aswell from other thoughts. 


Tomorrow is my third day of workin this week, I workthree days, Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Reha sent a mail off to Humanitas, saying they are happy with me, first I worked three half days,  now I work three whole days. Trough Reha I can re-intergrate to another job, a job what fits me. I need to talk with my boss then, but I decided that I'm taking it slow first. I'm building it up slowly, cause I want to end up with a job what really fits me and not end up having a job what will tear me down and gets me jobless again, like in the past. 


Working tomorrow means aswell early to bed, so watch out bed bugs here I come!

' Cause this is driller, driller night.'

' Cause this is driller, driller night.' 

I think I have never drilled so many holes in my life as today. Today at work we prepaired some shelves, there was an order of 2 pallets. On each pallets there were 500 shelves, and these shelves needed holes for screws. One shelf needed 4 holes, 4 x 500 x 500 = 4000 holes. I still think I hear the drill, but okay, it went fine. Thursday is the next working day, and then I can say, I worked the whole three full days. Woot!

The factory where I work (Reha) told me today that they just started, this is there 5th week of production, and you can see that. There is another Reha factory in Nijverdal, my ol' town, and our boss was so kind to take us there to have a look how they work, and it was huge and full in production. " That's how I would like it aswell in our little factory," said our boss. We need more items to produce, recently were in the wood production. Yesterday I told you I would take some pictures, You can see them below my post. I'm happy with the work, it keeps me going and the Canada-thoughts I use to think or what I sometimes still think, seems not at all important anymore.


What I'm a bit concerned about is, the way to handle my paperwork. Bills need to payed, my insurance's, my income, looking for a house. Everything is going okay, but it's going slow. And that's just the way it is, I can't change that. All these important things I have to arrange together with Humanitas feels like a none-organized mess in my head, not for Humanitas. Humanitas says, "It's just a small thing what you have, we have seen lots, lots worser." Although it's a bit of a relief to hear that, I think I need to re-organize my folder. Folder?


Humanitas gave me a empty folder, or how you call it? Binder? there I can put my important paper work in. I have so much stuff and mail, that I need to organize that folder/binder. I just don't know where to start, I know Humanitas helps me out but I would like to help out aswell. But where to start, where does Humanitas start? They have a plan with me, a kind of a project, that's why they called it a 24-project. They help me trough that project to become a citizen again, a working citizen, a citizen who has a house and a income. 


I sure couldn't have done it without them, I mean where would I start? For example, should I get work first? Or should I get a house first? And the bills I have to pay then? I have never been in a situation where I have guilts with my money, yeah, I have been poor, Mom and Dad have been poor, but guilts? No! Tomorrow, I have an appoitment with my counseler from Humanitas, then we will talk (as always) how things are going, and we surely (as always) talk about my paper work, and how far the things are. I think I'll start before I get to bed with organizing my folder/binder, I really like things organized. In the past before I went to Canda, I had all my paperwork in order and everything in folders/binders. While I was in Canada, I didn't had that, cause it was just not needed. Now it's needed again, and I want that, and I will. 


Picture time! 

Wooden fences are made with this metal object.

Cute isn't it?

Tables, chairs, bins, you name it.

Park tables, and trays.

A big chair!

Wooden planters in any size.

Wooden crats.

I like this one, cause I made this! lol!

Second hand furniture will be fixes and re-painted.

Or do you like a yellow one?