I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine - she helps me grow, prosper, and reach great heights.

I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine - she helps me grow, prosper, and reach great heights. 


Remembering slightly my Mom today, it's Mothersday. Rememebering her does me good, I wish I knew if she would still be alive what she would think of me now, being in this situation. I think she would think I did a silly thing, I don't know. I spend more time with my mother then with my Father, Father was the working man in the house. He worked in three shifts, so he wasn't much home besides the weekend, and if he was there he rested or slept. So, yeah I spend alot of time with Mom, Mom was the engine of the Family you could say. If she wasn't around me and Dad were hopeless. 


If I had a problem or had a little cry or whatever I went to my Mom. I had many talks with her, I remember aswell our bike rides and the visits to the park. Ofcource I spent time aswell with my Dad, we spent alot of times together as a family. But Mom was 'the Mom,'  the engine. I remember one time I got fired from a job, I think I was 26. I just finnished the afternoon shift and I had to tell my Mom and Dad the bad news. When I cam home my Dad sat on the couch wathing tv. And Mom was upstairs.When I came in the room I told Dad the bad news, "I got fired, Dad!" 

My dad didn't know what to say, he stumbled in his words. And he decided that 'Mom' had to come downstairs for a talk and prolly a solution. My Dad wasn't good in speaking his words, he never could. Poor Dad. Mom came downstairs and sat with us and started to talk. Then we all talked and everything and everyone calmed down. Mom the wizzard! Mom was always there, she worked hard in her householdings. She would do the ironing in the kitchen, while she was cooking instead. Mom was 'old fashion,' in a good way, I saw that sometimes back in Saf's behaviour. 


Always there for you and you were always welcome, My Mom was a family mother, always friendly and caring. Mom passed away in the year 2000, August 11th. That day I still remember, she wasn't feeling so well, and decided to go to her doctor, Dad went with her. I was tired that day aswell, took many naps and lay downs for my rest. When Mom came back from the doctor, she said, "The doctor told me it was just a little stomach flue and I have to take it easy." And so she did. 


Dad went off to the grocery store like he always did on Friday morning, I went upstairs to have a little lay down again. While I was upstairs I could slightly hear little noises comming from downstairs, Mom was doing some cleaning, and I thought to myself, "Geesh, get some rest, Mom, take it easy." Rest and taking it easy didn't excisit with Mom, always busy or doing things. I fell asleep, and suddenly I heard a loud 'beng!' I was half awake and thought, "Sigh! Mom, again." 


I woke up after five minutes and stared at the ceiling, I didn't hear any noises comming from downstairs, and I found it akward. Then I remembered the loud 'beng,' from five minutes ago. I though, "This isn't good." I went downstairs and was suspicious and scared, In the back of my head I thought, "There is something with Mom," I opened the kitchen door and she wasn't there. I looked further in the kitchen and in the other room and, I found her laying half outside and half inside. She fell trough the doorscreen, that must have been the loud sound. 


I yelled "Mom!" and jumped over her (I didn't touch her or anything, cause I found that scary) I ran to the neighbor for help and she came and I called right away the ambulance, I did everything what was possible and what I needed to do in less then five minutes. Mom still layed there, and I and the neighbor were in the kitchen. A few more neighbors came. I couldn't look at Mom, scary, frighten, unbelievable, nervous. I thought aswell that my Dad could come back in any minute. The ambulance came in 15 minutes, and I ran outside to guide them.


The ambulance people took right away action, and did everything what was possible. I was still in the kitchen, like I was floating, and was frozen from the outside. The ambulance people gave up and came into the kitchen, and sat down with me, then they told me that my Mom passed away. My first reaction was, "Okay," no tears, nothing, just silince. Mom's doctor came later and the Family came aswell, I think I called everyone. Dad came back and saw the ambulance and the many cars, he ran inside, and sat beside Mom, who was laying on the couch. Dad cried, and couldn't stop. I still was in the kitchen with some other family members. 


When the ambulance took Mom away I went slowly in to the other livingroom and sat with the Family. I knew that Mom passed away, but I just had no tears. I can't describe the feeling, I was concerned about my Dad aswell, I was shocked that Mom passed away so all of a sudden, I thought, "Dad will be next." It was hard to see that in the end of the day all the family members were leaving, and Dad and I sat at the kitchen table alone. Mom was gone, the ambulance took her away to the funeral house. I still was concerned about my Dad and did everything possible to help him and be there for him. ofcource I took my time to grieve aswell. 


I never went to a funeral, as a Family member passed away,I always stayed home. I found it scary, My Mom used to say, "One day you have too." The funeral of my Mom went okay, I had to cry many times, and it felt like a relief to cry. I love you Mom! 

Gosh, I realized that this post is kinda sad, isn't it? That wasn't my attention though, I was so into this post while writting. Anyway I will make it up to you guys in the next post. 


p.s. I added my old blog 'Some1new,' in the blogs I follow list. If someone is interested in reading it, be my guest.

John Lennon - Mother

"Last week I didn't had time to be tired ...Now I have."

"Last week I didn't had time to be tired ...Now I have."

Yeah, I was tired today, I can blame several things, the load of work I had last week, the warm weather today, and perhaps my thyroid is spilling up again. I can do alot of things like everyone else but on a certain level, and when I do or did to much then my body will give a sign. I think it gave a sign today, I took already three naps, I was tired. I did a few things today, but I did it slowly and took my rest when it was needed.

The weather is riduculous on this Saturday, I couldn't believe it's almost 24 degrees. (celcius) It's warm and sunny, I see people walking in summer clothing, including me. Almost insane, last week we still had frost and tempatures just above zero. I went into town for a short while, twice actually, cause I needed a few things. The first time I went was just for to be outside, cause the weather was so good. I was looking for a second hand store, I knew already one but there had to be another one. I looked for it but couldn't find it. I came across a little park and sat there for a while, just enjoying the sun and the water.

Black swan!

Ducks spoiled with bread from the people who walk by.

It was nice sitting in the park for a little while, I had a little flashback to Canada Mississauga, I use to sit there in a park at the water aswell, I think the name of the park was 'Lake Aquitaine,'  but I'm not sure. I loved it there, sometimes I went alone and sometimes I took one of the kids with me or both. And ofcource we went sometimes all of us as a family, for a picknick or something else. Good memories!

Lake Aquitaine, Mississauga Canada. 

I wish we had more of these parks in the town here, just sitting quitly without to much noise. Am I getting old? lol, well yeah in my eyes I'm getting old. 43 years ago I came to this world, if I could make a wish I would like to be 10 years younger again. Imagine I'm 43, in 7 years I will  be 50! Then what? 55, 60, oh no! thinking of these ages makes me wanna be young again, and enjoy my youth. I should not complain, I know. I'm sorry! hehe!


The second time I went into town was for some grocery and some other thing. The first time I went I took my bike, now I went walking. It was crowded in the centre of the city, I nearly bumped into a few people. I needed clothing hangers for my closet. This morning I putted away most of my winter-clothing, I putted them back in my suitcase under the bed. I took the summer-clothing out of the suitcase, and that was that. I have almost everything now in once closet, I need a few cabines,I know. They will come in time. I bought the clothing hangers cheap, 10 for 1, 50 Euro. There form plastic but there okay. On my way to the grocery store I saw a few things what I liked, take a look at this....

Crazy Dutch people in  a cano, last week there was still frost.

The sun in the park was gorgeous.


At the grocery store I grabbed what I needed and went back, it was quiet in the building, it's been all day like this. Not much people to talk to, or have a joke with. I went for my third nap, cause I needed one. This day was an okay day, I made an easy dinner and had my rest again. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I haven't planned anything. Actually I did, but I cancelled it, I planned to go to the sauna. But, I had doubts, it's still 30 Euro for entrance. The weatherforecast forespelled rain aswell, (Hello Dutch weather!) It's all fine with me. Resting is a good plan for tomorrow, let's see what the Sunday will bring.

"There's a hole in your pants!"

"There's a hole in your pants!"

"April's fools day!!" I couldn't find any prank today what I could pull, neither they didn't fool me. It was a nice day though, the weather was grey and cloudy but good, good tempature aswell, 16 degrees. Tomorrow will be ridiculous, 21 till 24 degrees, I just don't see it happen, but we will see. I had some plans today and some chores to do, most of them I did and tomorrow I will do the rest. 

Laundry~ 

The laundry is done, ugh! What a work, one washing machine was not working and the other washing machine was full with someone elses laundry. But okay, after 30 minutes it was my turn, usually I have two loads. Also today, next to the washing machine stands the dryer, you really have to cross your fingers if both machines works. And it did today, thank God!

Grocery~

I did most of my my grocery shopping, I thought I could manich with one huge bag, I did manich but the bag was fully full! The bag of potatoes couldn't fit in the bag, so, I had to hold the bag in my hands. I'm such a wizzard on my bike, I drove with loose hands cause in the left hand I had the bag with grocery and in the other hand the bag with the potatoes. I used my feet to brake, LOL! The store was only a 15 minute ride. So, that was good.

Winter/Summer clothing~

I still need to get rid of the winter clothing, I mean put them away. I have one huge clothing closet in my little room, in that closet I have most of all my stuff. Clothing, shower and bathing stuff, and yeah, food! I just don't know where I put the food, I just have one huge closet. I should get one closet more for the food items. Tomorrow I will start with the winter/summer clothing re-packing, I will just put the winter clothing in my suitcase under my bed.

Sauna~

Maybe I will plan to go to a sauna this comming Sunday, or maybe Saturday. I'm not sure yet though, I saved alot of money from the 40 Euro what I weekly get for my food, every week I take 10 or 15 Euro of from the 40 Euro I get in the week, just for saving. I have a small 70 Euro already, should be enough for the sauna, but isn't it a waste? Isn't it a pity if I spent it all on the sauna? Sure, I could use some time out for myself, but still,the sauna is expensive. I could use the money for other important things, or keep the money and save more. I will see.


Everything is going well here, according to other people living here, it's a suprise. Cause they don't have it that good in there eyes or they just see it all negative and black, I don't know. Maybe I'm just lucky (?)  I see my future slightly brighten up and it's going step by step slowly uphill. I have hope and faith while being here, the paper work is going slowly but steady, my three days in the week of work is going well, and I love it, ofcource everyone has his/hers bad days at work so now and then, that's normal. I have a good feeling that this work/project I'm doing is gonna end up in a good and nice job. 


The people are nice here, and I have build up a nice routine. It's all good, but yeah, ofcource I still remember my time with Saf and the time in Canada, and the kids. I miss them and I miss being in Canada, that will take a long while till it's vanished, maybe it wont vanish at all, or it's getting less, but not complete gone. Thinking of them makes me realize I had a real good time with them, and not only sometimes these little argues. I lived! It was surely a good lesson for me being there. I will treasure the memories for always. 


Thanks a million Safa, Cle, Noor, Mar,  tasn, and Ab! I will never forget them!

Weekend!

Weekend! 

It's only Thursday and it feels like Friday, blame the Thursday's work. Thursday's is always our last work-day of the week at Reha. We clean up around 4:00 pm and leave at 4:30 pm and wishing everyone a good weekend. Today was a nice day at work, we didn't had much people, only the ones who always show up. We were with three men today, and that was it. The last two days I worked behind a machine with cardboard, it's a bit boring work cause it's mostly the same over and over. We put a big cardboard box in a machine, the machine puts a little tape on it and done! But today I made something out of wood, a garden-working-table, yeah, let's call it that. (see picture)

it's not the table I made, but just to get an idea what kinda table it is.

My boss, give a little paper with some measures on it for the wood I needed, and he had a example of the table to have a look at. I worked alone at that table and I really enjoyed it, sometimes the second boss comes to have a look and helps out sometimes with giving advices. I like working alone, or it has to be with someone who doesn't give me pressure or bad comments, (like yesterday, right Frank? He meant it good though) I can be handy and fast, but get sometimes nervous when people push me, then I might make little mistakes. I should learn not to. 

How is my paper-business going? Well, I'm still waiting for mail from my care allowance. They payed me to much money while I was in Canada, I thought I was sure I stopped the allowance when I planned to go live in Canada. The to much payed money I have to pay back myself, but I'm waiting for a mail to confirm that I have to do that and how much I have to pay back. Further I'm still looking for a own doctor, but almost every doctor here in Almelo doesn't take new patients, I keep looking. And further it's wating and waiting for my extra money, but it's comming, were working on it.


I had a nice e-mail back from Saf this morning, I wrote her a message asking how she was. I decided to send her a message, cause, although I'm doing the 'No contact,' so now and then a little message asking how she is and how the kids are doesn't do harm, right? Saf told me she was fine, and told me the 'suprise' has arrived. Yay! The suprise for Tasn's birthday has arrived. I sent her some gifts for her birthday, a bit to soon but okay. It did me good to hear that she got the gift and that she was happy with that. Happy Birthday girl, I love you! 


I wrote Saf the message cause I want to keep the peace, and not be enemies. That's what I never wanted, become enemies after our break up. Saf and I broke up cause in the end it just didn't work with us, I didn't want to admit that. I went on and on and tried again and again, I accepted the break up along time ago already. It's fine now, but like I said, I would like to keep the peace and not become enemies, we are both moving on, two seperate people living two seperate lives. I learned alot while being in a relationship, I have accepted it for what it is, now its time for me to let go and move on.

Secretly Saf has always be a bit my life teacher, I learned alot these last years. I truly hope we both find whatever we are looking for, I wish her and her kids all the best. But I don't see it as a farewell, so now and then a 'hello, how are you?' is my wish. 


For tomorrow I wish some relaxing and rest, it's been a busy working week. I haven't planned a thing yet, I will let it all come to me.  The weather will be good on us, 19 degrees and sunshine on Saturday they said.

Working is good but there is a line...

Working is good but there is a line...

Another working day, although I slept long, I went to bed at 9:30 and woke up around 6:00. I took a shower, and felt good afterwards. Today I worked with a resident from Humanitas, I get along with him so now and then well. The guy's name is Frank, and Frank has found himself a new house. Today he needed help with painting, laying a carpet and putting wallpapers on some walls. Ugh! what a work, we had Johannus with us, he's the guy from the Family, I told about him in my early posts. Damn, these guys are tough, tough in there language and jokes. There rough in there comments to each other aswell, but it's all meant as a joke.

Frank in his 'new' house.

If your not aware of 'that' then you might felt offeneded or feel bad. I didn't feel offended or bad, cause I know by now that it's all a joke and they explained it a few times. But! Enough is enough I thought this morning, they really had to had me this morning, LOL! I can laugh about it now, but then, sigh! I went a bit mad and cursed a few words loudly, just like them. I'm a person who crops all his anger sometimes and then afterwards I explode. Being with these guys is prolly a good lesson for me, I need to learn how to handle if you get critism, and to learn to speak up for yourself, be tougher is a good lesson too. And by thougher I mean tougher in a positive way. This morning wasn't sometimes so nice but it was a good lesson to learn. 

Johannus helped us out aswell.

We all worked hard and we mostly finnished all walls and layed carpet in one room. The house looks like a normal 'one Family house,' but it has 2 floors, first floor is for another resident and Frank has his 'living' on the second floor. The floors are small, I don't know if I could live there. I did most of the walls and helped out with one wall doing the wallpaper. Around 1:30 pm wer were finnished for the day, and I was happy with it, I was exhausted. It's sometimes difficult to explain to people that I have less energy then healty people have. Blaming my thyroid disease, I explained the guys yesterday once about my thyroid, and they understood. I'm not going to explain again, cause otherwise I start to complain to much in there eyes, I don't want that.

The new black carpet.

I took a nap when we got back at Humanitas, I think I slept for 30 minutes. I was still tired and just layed on the bed. Relaxing and chilling, my room was feeling nice and warm with the sun on the windows. Around 4:00 pm Frank knocked on my door and asked if I wanted some chinese food, instead of going to the free dinner at the church. I had doubts cause I was looking forward to the 'free dinner.' But okay, I went for the chinese food, tomorrow is another free dinner. Frank meant it good but sometimes it feels like he gives orders, just like today. Like, you do this and that, and you are going with uss to eat chinese food, etc, ect. I reffused a couple of times today and explained him why I refussed. But still, it doesn't help. He means it good though, but his asking sounds a bit like, if you refusse then he feels offended. 

It's not that a problem though, like I said in the beginning of this post, this is for me a good lesson, speak up and be a bit thougher, learn to say 'No' more aswell, if it's needed. Tomorrow another working day, I will be joining my blanket and pillow early tonight. Sleep does me good, I had a nice day, hopefully the night is nice to me aswell, night, night! 

Good moments... Bad moments...

Good moments... Bad moments... 

It's warm in my little room, today the sun burned whole day towards my windows. It makes my room hot and warm. When I got back from work I was sweating already, by the way I'm not complaining, lol! I love warmth. It's been one of those days again, atleast the work I had today made the thoughts and feelings a bit better, that's why the work is good for me. But grieving so now and then is aswell good. You need to let it out and not hold it all in, right? 

Funny though that I sometimes can do just anything and just think of Saf and the kids and I'm just fine, they are there in Canada having it okay and I'm here having it okay, it's accepted. But just that sometimes I miss 'them,' today I missed in first place 'Tasn,' missing her hugs and her playing games. 

Why does she have to be so adorable? It's just a part of the proces I'm going trough, it takes time, alot of time! The 'No contact,' is going okay, sometimes difficult though, but I need it to heal myself. Although I don't see harm in sent sometimes a little mail once a month or once in two months, just a plain, 'Hello, how are you?' I accepted some things for myself, I'm easier and feeling a bit better. And I'm happy with that. Sometimes I'm feeling bad doing the 'No contact,' cause 'they' might think I leave them be, like nothing has happend the last few years I was with 'them.' I still care about them, even though Saf and I broke up. The last few days I thought about my future, and I have some certain plans. When my life is settled, (A house, a job, enough money!) I would like to travel, that's a thing I never did before I went to Canada.

Traveling to Canada have opened my eyes, I truly loved the flying, and I never knew it was that easy. Before I went to Canada, my life was pretty boring, I had no job, I just get around with my money and did my daily things. And that was it! I'm looking forward to the future, it will be a lot of work to settle everything, But in the end I want a reward and go see the world.  If I had to name five countries I would love to travel too it would be: anywhere in America, Spain, Egypt (heard alot about it, would love to experience it, if it save though) London (again) and yes, Canada (to visit some friends) So, yeah traveling is what I'm looking forward too, and who knows maybe a nice woman while I'm traveling will cross my path. I'm not yet in a rush to find a date, I guess I'm not ready yet. But who knows, life is full of suprises.

I have been working hard the last two days, and tomorrow I planned my resting day, but! When I got back from work and prepaired my dinner, my neighbor needed my help tomorrow. He recently found a new house for himself and tomorrow it was time to fix the walls in his new house. Wallpaper needs to be hanged up, together with three other people. Ugh! I really would love to help but I'm so tired, and really needed a resting day. I explained it to my neighbor but I could just not say, 'no.' Tomorrow at 8:00 am they will pick me up, sigh! It's an honour they asked me though, I'm happy with that. But again, I have to take it easy, cause the next day I have to work again. 


It's 8:34 pm now, in short while I will be heading of to bed, the sleep is needed. Goodnight guys! Sleep tight!

Exhausted and sleepy...

Exhausted and sleepy...

"The clock went an hour ahead, that's why your so tired," my Boss told me, "You missed a hour of sleep yesterday." I was tired and sleepy while I arrived on my work, and that feeling stayed the whole working shift. When we had our break or I would stood still for a little while, I only had to close my eyes for 10 seconds and I would fall asleep. I red somewhere yesterday, that people around the world just don't get sleep enough. Maybe I should get more sleep then aswell, earlier to bed my boy!

Otherwise my day went fine, work was a tiny bit boring but okay, it can't be always jolly, jolly.
It's like I got a punch in the face this morning when I went to work, it was freezing cold. I didn't expect that, I went back and putted a thicker coat and hat on. when I got back from work I made myself dinner and the kitchen was kinda full with people. Aswell the guy and the Family were there. (as always)

I felt a bit guilty, cause mostly 'this Family' gives me food or something to drink. And here I was making myself dinner, while I couldn't give them some. I really have to take care of my money, I told that aswell a few weeks ago to the Father of the Family. I explained him that I feel guilty in not giving them sometimes something. "You give sometimes something," the Father replied. He understood what I meant. And yeah, I do sometimes give something.

Then I give the kids some candy, last Saturday I bought cake while the other bought drinks for our 'night.' It just didn't felt enough while I made dinner today. I was already thinking ahead,  "When I finnished with dinner and I start to eat at the table, they will comments about it." I felt guilty and bad, but ated my dinner. No comments were made. But still. 


Tomorrow will be an exhausting day aswell, first a half day work cause I have an dentist appointment. Afterwards I will be doing some cleaning in my little room. Little dusty room (grrrr!)  The weatherforecast forspelled a warm weekend, 18 till 19 degrees! But it's still Holland, so we just will see. For now I will get an early sleep cause it's needed again. Let's see how I feel tomorrow, sleepy or not. Night all! 

Weekend...

Weekend...

The weekend was fine, weekends are different then weeks here. I got more routine in the week, I don't have that in the weekend, maybe I should think of a routine for the Saturdays and Sundays other then doing laundry. I got plenty of time to think in the weekend, and then the sadness and loneliness comes dragging in. Maybe a visit to the sauna on Sundays will do me good, I used to do that every Sunday. But it's alot of money though to spent. I will think of something, though rest and relax is a must in the weekend. 

I didn't do much in the weekend, Saturday I did some grocery and went on a little visit to one of the people here in there room. I went to the The Family what I was talking about earlier in my other posts, a man and a woman and two little kids, one boy is seven and one boy is two. I'm getting to know them very well, and I must say there not my kinda people. Very nice though but tough in there language to everyone, even to there kids. Being with them is nice and we have fun, but I see sometimes the toughness to there kids aswell, specially the Father. The two kids are vey naughty though, they should listen more.


Sometimes I don't like what I see how the way they teach the kids, but I can't do a thing about it, it's just there way. I see the toughness of the parents back in the two young kids, it makes me think how I dealt sometimes with the two young kids of Saf. I realize that I learned alot back then when I see these two parents, for example, just before going to bed you don't give young kids a few zips of energy drinks. (I saw that last nigt) Aswell, watch your language while you talk or shout to other people when you have your two Sons beside you, I hear sometimes the seven year old speaking, and it's almost I hear the Father speaking. 

Seeing the kids makes me want to have kids aswell, is there a some kinda age when you can't have kids anymore? I adore kids, writing about them makes me think of Tasn and Ab again, I hope there well and fine. Alright I made myself a 'damn' good coffee and will relax for the rest of this evening, tomorrow work is calling, and it will be another full week. I'm happy with it. Another weekend has ended, thank God! Next weekend I will be saying it the other way around, 'It's a pity the weekend is over.'  I'm gonna make some plans for the next weekend, trying to fill it, fill it with fun things.

Music was my first love... And it will be my last...

Music was my first love... And it will be my last...

Saturday today and not much to do or say, same ol' same ol'. So, let me guide you today trough my taste of music, be aware for some shocks in the beginning! LOL!  I always loved music, in our little family the radio was always on. Atleast when my Dad went to work, cause he didn't like to much noise around him. My Dad worked has always worked hard, and when he came back from work he would like to have some rest and quiet. Sometimes people have a ritual when they wake up, our ritual was that my Dad always woke up first to get to work. (he mostly worked in shifts) After a little while my Mom wakes up and turnes on the radio, for the news and ofcource some background music. It was always the same channel, and usually the same music.

As a toddler I liked already music, I danced and humbled around in my diaper on the top 40 on the radio. The radio was a must, not turning it on was akward to us. As I grew older I started to listen to more music, I got interested. My Dad liked certain kind of music and bought records, I use to play them aswell. The music that we liked was a genre what will suprise you, we were really into German/Dutch schlager music. We had tons of German and Dutch records records, here are a few names of artists: Ernst Mosch und seine original egerlander musikanten, Leni und Ludwig, Heino, you name them. 

Ernst Mosch und seine original Egerlander musikanten.

Heino, looks a bit scary!

Leni und Ludwig, like the tittle says.



 I almost can't believe it that I liked this kinda music , although when I listen to it back it brings good memories and I actually like it a bit. Later on when I became a teenager I took my music seriouser. Trendy music, trendy clothes, I got a record player and a casseterecorder from Mom and Dad. I played 'pop' mucic, top 40, top 50, etc, etc. A band I really liked was Kiss, I think the video clip 'I was made for loving you'' did it. The tongue of Gene simmons, the make up and all the glamour clothing, I loved it! I asked for more allowance, sigh! To buy more Kiss records, I wanted them all. 
  

The guy in the photo above is Ace Frehley, my favorite member of the band. He wasn't much in the foreground but cool as heck and played awesome guitar, I still like him, although he's not in the band anymore. I almost breathed Kiss, I had every record, collected some merchandise, and my bedroom walls were full of Kiss posters. This was the first band I became a fan off, and still I enjoy there music. After Kiss, came Duran Duran, another glamour band, but this time no make up, although one member of this band used some. Good looking guys and nice videos plus great music.  It was the start of my 'new wave' period, I started to liked the certain kind of bands who weren't so popular. Although Duran Duran were slightly popular. 

 

The first single I bought was 'The Reflex,'  after that I bought more 12 inches and singles. The posters on my bedroom wall became a mixture of Duran Duran v.s Kiss, I really enjoyed my music in that time. After Duran Duran, I became more and more interested in the music genre 'New Wave.'  Names like, The Cure, Simple Minds, Bronski Beat and The Clash, yeah those were the names that did it to me, and alot more. One band I really like in those days were Depeche Mode, I became a huge fan of them and again collected all there albums and 12 inches. I think I collected then cd's instead of lp's on vinyl, I kept the old vinyl's ofcource.

 

I stayed with Depeche Mode for a long time, even now I still like them, but the posters became less, I grew up and was already in my 20's, I liked my room tidy and neat. I started to collect design posters, in other words, posters that look arty and with a certain style. And 1 poster on each wall, instead of using posters as wallpaper. I had a favorite photographer who aswell took pictures of Depeche Mode, his name was/is Anton corbijn. He's a famous Dutch pop photographer, but he does alot more recently then only taking pictures, he shoots documentaries, short movies, desings album sleeves, etc, etc. Here are a few posters I had on my walls back then. 

 

Depeche mode was the bomb! I became a fan in the eighties and I'm still a fan of them. In 1993 I had the luck to see them live in Rotterdam, I stood third row and sang almost every song.  They weren't so popular in Holland, it's funny though that in the time I became a fan of them, my other classroom mates liked other bands who were much more popular in that time. I guess I like the rare bands more, then the popular bands, one of the reasons was that I just I didn't like to follow the hood. After a while I became aswell a fan of New Order, a british band again. I think I visited a record store once and heard a song what I knew but couldn't get on the name of the song. Later on I found the name of the song and the name of the band, New Order! This band combined new wave and electronic dance, they were a rare band. 

New Order.

New Order was formed by the remaining members of Joy division, they were an English rock  band formed in 1976. The lead singer of the band (Ian Curtis) got later on overwhelmed with a depresion and hanged himself. He was beset with depression and personal difficulties, including a dissolving marriage and his diagnosis with epilepsy Curtis found it increasingly difficult to perform at live concerts, and often had seizures during performances.

Joy Division.

Ian Curtis. (Photo taken by Anton Corbijn)

I should split this post into two posts, cause there's is so much music history to share. But naah, let's continue. I think I was 23 or 24 when I became a fan of electronice dance music, in other words 'House music.' The beats were loud and the rhtym was very danceable, I loved it. Some of my friends hated it, cause the music sounded to gay, and dancing to it looked weird, I guess my friends weren't such good dancers, but hey, neither was I. House music changed my life, I went out to disco's and clubs, But I didn't like the music they played. I collected almost everything that included house music, 12 inches, posters and flyers, magazines. Trough a magazine I saw they organized special house music events, 'house parties.' But I didn't had the guts yet to go there. I bought myself two record players and a mix-table, I had a goal and a plan. 

 

I practized alot and bought more and more records, don't worry I had a job at that time aswell so, I could afford it. I really enjoyed playing my records and practized it more and more often, although my parents didn't like it when I played my records to loud. Finally I had the guts to go to a real house party, together with a friend of mine we went on our way. The houseparty was helded in a place called Arnhem, we went by train cause no one of us had a drivers licince, the train trip took us 1 hour. The party was 'WOW,' absolutly great and awesome, everyone was dancing and we had the time of our lives. Afterwards we were exhausted and it was already late in the morning when we went home. As you prolly know, houseparties are mostly going trough the whole night.

My favorite Dutch DJ, Dimitri.

One of the many parties I went 'Dance Valley.'

 This party was from 10:00 pm till 6:00 am. It was quit an experience, and more parties followed. Amsterdam, Rotterdam, The Hague, we went everywhere. On a certain point I went by myself cause my friend wasn't that interested anymore. It was okay with me, cause I build up a line of friends while being on those houseparties.  I even lived for a while in Amsterdam to starting my job as a dj. My practizing skills made me aware that I was capable to start a job as a dj. That was my plan and my goal. I got overwhelmed by living in Amsterdam, I had doubts if I were at the right place, I asked myself, "Do I want this, Do I belong here?" I really enjoyed the music but it went to much, I rather went home after a long while living in Amsterdam. It was the time that my Mom passed away. 

I decided to return to my place, Nijverdal, the town I grew up as a kid. Took care of my Dad, and slowed down with my 'House music.' 

I had a bit enough off all the partying and loud beats, I played my tunes just at home and enjoyed them there. I even returned listening to some oldies I used  to listen to, Depeche Mode, New Order, Kiss, etc, etc, It was nice to hear them back. I tried for a while to become a radio DJ in my town. It was a volunteer job and I worked there for almost half a year, it was an okay job. One 'new'band came to my genre, 'The pixies! I used to listen to some of there tunes on the radio, but in that time I just found them weird and extremely loud. But the music genre nowadays changed alot and extremely loud sounds now just fine. It's funny though, don't you think? How music changes and get sometimes influances from oldies. Alright back to the Pixies. They are an american rock band, (alternative rock band) formed in Boston USA. 

 

Lead singer Black Francis.

 The band's style of music contains elements of indie rock and surf rock, some songs sounds pretty loud and the lyrics are somehow absurd. Lead singer Black Francis is been noted for his yowling delivery of singing, he's aswell the songwriter of the band. I like him and I like the band, I have all there cd's, I even sung a few of there songs while doing karaoke in Canada. Pretty fun! This band broke up in the late 90's, but recently they made a return doing reunion tours.

So, there you have it, all my music styles and genres trough the years. At the moment I still listen to all kinds of music what has kept me busy trough these years. I even listen to oldies from the seventees, Beatles,Stones, Bowie, Hendrix, etc, etc. Together with all the music I went trough all these years it makes a nice mixture to listen to. Music was my first love and it will be my last! Hope you enjoyed this post! 

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward. ~Spanish Proverb.

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward.  ~Spanish Proverb.

It was my plan to do not much today, and I kind off succeed. My body and mind were telling me to take it easy, and so I did. I was cold last night in bed, I covered myself with one sheet more, and putted on socks, socks helps always. I don't like coldness in the night, I rather have it warm, but the weatherforecast didn't forespell a cold night though, it must have been me then. I did my laundry early this morning, 7 am and the machine was spinning. The first washingmachine on the second floor didn't work, I putted the laundry in the machine, added some washing powder and pushed the start button, but nothing happened. No electricity, no lights, not working!

I looked around in the washing room and saw a little note behind me saying, "Washing machine defect." Sigh! Why would someone put a note there and not in front of the washing machine! I took out the laundry and used my hands and fingers to get the washing powder back in the bag, and went to the first floor to the other washing machine. That one worked fine, thank God! It was time for the coffee break, and the cleaning chores, but I skipped the chores, when the staff asked me,"What are you going to clean?" I told them that it's always the same people who are cleaning, when it comes to cleaning most of the people take off. I work Monday's Tuesday's, and Thursdays, and today I have a day off resting. I told the staff that I have aswell an appointment at 10:30 am.

So, no cleaning chorses today. I really don't mind cleaning but, it doesn't have to be always the same people. At 10:00 I went to my appointment, CWI was expecting me for delivering (finally) all the files for my form for the extra money. I was slightly a bit nerves, cause I might have forgot something. And I didn't want to be sent back and wait another week, but it went fine, all went well. I will get a message back from CWI if they confirm with the extra money, and i f they have questions, I keep my fingers crossed. TGIF, yeah, it's the weekend again, the weather forecast talked about rain. I haven't planned much this weekend, rest will be on my schedule for sure. It will be one of those days again I guess, then you are feeling fine and then suddenly it hits you again, 'Sadness.' 

I thought I was okay, not healed from my grieving though, but just feeling okay and slightly better with the 'missing' feelings. I just don't know what to think, sometimes it flashes shortly trough my mind that unfair feeling  of, 'they' have fun in Canada and I'm going trough this mess.' I should not think that, I know, cause that is unfair too. Our realtionship has ended, and  life goes on for both of us. The 'No contact' is going okay, but so now and then I have it hard, I just don't want to forget them. Will it be better to forget them? In my thoughts it's not right to forget them, cause we spent time together. Keeping the memories is nice but sometimes it's though to think of them, not always though, I'm doing alot better then a few months ago. But still just that sometimes, 'Beng!' ugh!

The memories are better for later, when I'm all settled and be ready for memories. The 'no contact' is needed now. This needs time and I know these difficult feelings and thoughts will pass, ups and downs are normal. Sometimes I wish that things would go a bit faster though, but okay. While I'm writting this the neighbor knocked on my door, if I wanted spaghetti with sauce and meatballs, he had plenty left overs. Sure I would love some, I ated one plate with him and his Family, I told him that I bought a little cake this afternoon, then he asked me if I wanted to join them for a drink later in the evening. I was happy with the offer and told that I will be there, nice!

So, yeah later in the evening he picked me up and I brought the cake and went a floor higher. It was nice sitting with them, we talked alot, and we drank some drinks. Bacardi Cola, I had three glasses and that was enough for me. It was more Bacardi then Cola, geesh! But it was fun. Time to go to bed now, see ya"ll!
 

So much information... So much to do....

So much information... So much to do....

Another full day, I started the day with being tired and sleepy. Usually I wake up at 5:00 when I go to work, I lay and roll around then till 5:15 and then get up. (I know it's early) It's my way of waking up and taking my time, I turn on the laptop and make my sandwiches for work and breakfast. This morning I fell asleep two times after I woke up at 5:00, I was tired. I planned myself three days of relaxation the comming days after work, cause it's needed. Work was fine today, only a slow start cause of the tiredness. Like I said yesterday, a lady from UWV will come to visit me for a conversation at work, and she came early this morning! She was there just a bit after 8:00 am.

We talked about me ofcource, we talked about my working background and a bit about my personal  life, how I am and how I feel, my health, what I'm able off, etc, etc, just to get to know me. This lady from UWV will guide me to a next good paying job. I wanted this conversation to be perfect, so I really needed to pay attention. Saying the right things and not just a 'yes' or a 'no,' I would like to end up with a nice job what really fits me. And not a job that I will quit or have to quit in a month or two months. The talk went fine and I was happy with the results, the only thing I need is to write a proper resume for the lady, she asked for it, someone from Humanitas will help me with that.

I almost fell asleep while taking my lunch, I was still tired. Later on I felt better, and not so sleepy. The weather was nice but not so warm as yesterday, yesterday we had 16 degrees, today we had 14. It was a bit cloudy aswell. After work I had to rush a bit to be on time for the free dinner, we still have the free dinners every Wednesday and Thursdays. The free dinners are at the church what is 20 minutes walking distance from Humanitas. After dinner I had another meeting with my Humanitas counseler, (Linda) We usually go trough my mail and trough the things I still need to do, important things what will get me back on track. Yesterday I had  good news from ING for my online banking, I waited almost 6/7 weeks for this. 

ING gave me my new password and my new users name. I specially waited with logging in on my ING account until the meeting with my counselor. I thought we will do it together, cause the online banking wasn't only handy for me in the future, I needed to copy my bank statements from the last three months aswell from my account. The bank statements will be taken with me tomorrow to CWI for proof, to get my extra money where I have right on. It took such a long time to accomplish this, thanks ING! Me and my counselor dashed trough my bank statements after we logged in and we copied right away not only from the last three months but aswell  from the last one and a half year. 


We saw alot of suprises while going trough those bank statements, geesh! I forgot alot of things what I had to stop while I was moving to Canada! There was the monthly care- allowence what I always had before I went to Canada, I had to stop that allowance cause I planned to move overseas ofcource. The company who payed me this care-allowance didn't know I moved overseas and they payed me every month a amount of money while I was in Canada. I didn't have the right on that money cause I was in Canada. It was the excact same thing with my monthly rent-allowance, I had to stop that aswell cause of the moving overseas. They payed me aswell every month while I was in Canada. It feels so bad! 


While Saf, Ab and me were in Holland in October 2009, we had a busy month cause Saf helped me out with the moving, (stopping the rent, the asurance, the electricity, you name it) I did it all by phone and I wrote letters, me and Saf took care of it that everything was confirmed. We even went trough bankstatements to see what we had to stop. But aswell we were busy with selling my personal belongings and ofcource the packing plus stuff that had to be shipped. Busy was a small word in that month, it was hectic till the last minute till we sat in the plane. We were sure we didn't forget anything, now when I see the bankstatements I see I forgot some things. Sigh! My counselor and I called that allowance company and they told me they will will send me a mail with what they will do about it. Paying it back or not. Another sigh! 

Aswell what we saw in the bank statements were some things that could bring good news, (hopefully) There were some companies with asurances that I had stopped and they called me and confirmed that they stopped the asurances. Now I saw that they didn't stopped it at all , cause my counselor saw the payments still be payed after October 2009, and in October I called these companies with the message that I'm going to move overseas. So, I still payed them every month from October 2009 untill July 2010! I can call them and ask them to pay me back that money, cause they have no right to let me pay this monthly money while I stopped these allowances cause  I moved  overseas. 


This day ended hectic cause of all the information I have got tonight, I wrote everything down what needed to be done tomorrow and what can wait a little while. Tomorrow for sure the asking for the 'extra money,' I need to do something about my monthly money what I get, it's not enough to come around. This money is under the  minimum wage. I got my files and everything else I need ready, CWI here I come, finally!  The rest for the night I will relax with a large mug of coffee!  it's been a long (satisfied) day. 

Finally...

Finally....

Finally I had some good news from ING, ING told me last week I will soon get some mail from them. Today I had the mails, now I can finally activate my online banking, it was so needed, Tomorrow I will get it all in order together with my counseler here from Humanitas. After activating we can copy the last bank-statements from the last three months and I will take it with me to CWI for hopefully my extra money. CWI has to take a look in those statements, together with some other files that I already had. Someone from CWI will send everything up to the head office from CWI, and then I willl get mail back with the message if I have the right on the extra money. 

I really have to pay some bills, remember where I was staying in the month January? That little summer house in Haarle? It was 40 Euro a day, I thought, "Oh? That's an okay price." But counting it all up, all the weeks I stayed there, (almost 3 weeks)  woow! And some other bills are waiting to be paid, welcome to the world of bills Mr.! I still remember when I told the guys here that I have a guilt of a little 1000 Euro, and that they all laughed so hard. The 1000 Euro's was nothing comparing what they still must have to pay for there guilts. It made me less worried. 


I just can't believe the weather today, it's more then 16 degrees outside, and the sun is high in the sky. Normally before Easter we have this kinda weather, those extreme warm days, and it's only still March. I'm not complaining, I packed away most of my winterclothing today. I started with my huge Canadian Tire winterboots, a month ago when I still had them on they all looked at me, cause they are so big. Ah! these Dutch people here are not used to those Canada's big everythings! 

I noticed that I'm slowly adjusting to Holland again, but I must say the people in Canada are much opener and kinder to each other then here. Dutch people are not so open, usually they wont greet you here while walking in the streets. It's not to be unkind, but they are just not used to it I guess. In the past when I was little, the people, specially the farmers would invite you easily to there home for a coffee, or even for lunch or dinner, the door was always open for strangers. Time surely has changed. 


Today was a resting day, but there were some cleaning chorces to do aswell, and usually it's always the same people who do it. The rest of the people will sneak out just to be lazy, sigh! I don't mind the cleaning chorces, but I don't like that some people sneak out. There started  some new rules here with cleaning chorces, everyone has to do there own section. Every section here has a color, there is section one, first floor, (red) section two, second floor,(green and red) and section three, third floor (yellow). I'm on section two second floor (green). 

It's weird though cause section red is on the second floor, and I'm on the second floor aswell, but I have a green door. On section two they have two colors, at the end of the hall on the second floor starts section two with red and flows into the color green. (are you still there?) If I have a cleaning chorce now I have to do only a cleaning job in the green section, in the beginning I cleaned what ever was dirty, then later on only what was dirty on the second floor. Now only the green section, I did the kitchen floor and the dinning room floor, what a job! Next week the guys who sneaked out can do it! 

Tomorrow at work a lady from UWV will visit me, remember UWV? The people who made such a trouble and mess with my monthly income? sigh, anyway. This lady will help me with intergration to a proper job, in other words, she will help me to get a better job, a job what will fit me and will pay me. The job I do now is a project from Humanitas, this project is called Reha. Reha looks what your able of while your working, of cource you work and make selling products, but I work there  for 'myself.' The UWV lady will lead me to a new intergration project and hopefully I will end up with a nice job. In the meanwhile I will be still at work at Reha. Hope this makes sense... 


I'm feeling good and better, sometimes I have the feeling that I should contact Saf, just to ask how she is doing, nothing special. It won't do harm just to ask how she is or how the kids are, I'm just not a guy who likes to ignore people. Specially ignoring your friends where you spent so much time with. I don't know yet, I think one day I will just contact her or not, I don't know. (Thinking up loud now) Maybe it's better to let them be for a little while, it's better for both of us.