I'm so feeling like trash, I just don't know what to do, where to start or where to begin! I joined a few Canadian Forums where I can perhaps find some solutions. I wrote down my problem, and most people answered "become a permanent resident." One guy said "Go back to Holland before you get caught, cause you overstayed the 6 months permitted big time!" This morning when I woke up, Saf came into the bedroom and took Tasn (the 7 year old daughter) out of our bed to sleep with her, Saf just got back from work. I felt a bit upset cause of that, and stood up and got on the computer, it was 6 am. An hour later I went back to bed and decided to stay in bed and let it all be. 7:30, I stood up and woke up the kids. (I wasn't in a happy mood) Tasn was hard to wake up cause she was sleeping with her Mom.
I asked her to get up before the school bus leaves, Saf opened her eyes and asked me if I could check the school bus schedule, cause of the bad weather there might be no busses. I checked and yup! No busses! "Okay, never mind then" Saf answered and she called Tasn back to bed. "I have a 3 year old kid downstairs and she's asking me for food" I said. "Why you being so cold," Saf asked me. I was quiet first and walked away, 5 minutes later I came back and told her, "At the end of the month I have to be out of here, with absolutely nothing, I don't know where to start, I'm legal here and I might go to jail, that's why I'm so cold and in a mood, I'm sorry." She turned around and said something, what, I couldn't hear. I think I heard she said "Okay."
I have been on the computer for a very long time, I'm lost and about to give it a rest. I like to help out aswell with cleaning or taking care of the kids, but I also don't want to. Sometimes other people do it, like they want to say "See, we can manage" or they want to act like I'm already gone, I'm sure it's all bad thoughts from my side, but still!
Saf was sleeping and wasn't in a good mood! The kids were naughty and the heater wasn't working, it was freezing!! I asked her "Can I help"? "No, Im fine" Saf replied. I had mixed feelings, I felt sorry for her but felt upset towards her aswell. "Why your acting like this", I thought. At the same time, my brain and thoughts were a mesh. I just don't know how to act anymore. I feel like a zombie sometimes. Sigh! It is as it is, and I really hope that we can both move on, on our own ways after all this, and be just good friends! I'm crossing my fingers!
With a meshed up brain I went out. I had to get out to clear my head and get other thoughts! I took the bus and I thought, I'm going to Georgian mall or just Downtown. Downtown I went! Dollarama was the store I was looking for, I did my last Christmas shopping and headed back to the bus. The bus took long. My plan was to take the 'Livingstong' bus and get out at the 'hospital' and walk over to Tim Horton's for a coffee and a snack. And so I did. I took the RVH 20 back to Johnson Street. and went out right beside Tim Horton's for my snack (insert proud feeling here) I decided not to sit in the house (upstairs) and feel down all the time, just trying to make the best out of it was my goal. It is as it is! Be fun and be jolly!
