"Beng! Ugh! And a Sigh!" Bad day/ Good day!

"Beng! Ugh! And a Sigh!" Bad day/ Good day!

Not expected that it would be such a day, I just carried it and let it all come over me. I  was actually looking forward to this day, and it started out fine, but then suddenly, "Beng!" It hitted me again, in the afternoon I had a huge down moment. It's one of the day's hopefully, I just miss today being in Canada, being with Tasn, Ab, Mary, etc, etc. Doing the daily things I did there, such down moments makes me sad, gives me un-fair feelings and makes me think negative things. Thinking negative about the future, and aswell worries like, will I have a nice house for myself? Is there a nice time ahead of me? Etc, etc. I rather be alone then for a while. It's akward though these feelings, I don't have them everyday, so now and then it happens. Recently I hadn't had one, I thought I was slightly okay, and then. Ugh! It would prolly help to be alone for a bit and cry, let the tears free, but it's not that easy to cry. 

I'm just like my Dad, if he cries you see three or four tears, not cry out loud but just quietly and that's it. I know such down moments are needed sometimes, but it's painfull. There were not much people at work, yeah the boss was there and his co-workers, but where were the others? I was the only worker! Some workers came later and some workers didn't even show up. I made another butler tray, and it went fine although I made a few mistakes, but okay, they can be solved. But oh, these 'down' moments, sorry for the nag, nag and complaining, it's just the way I felt today. I thought to myself, "It's all nice and fine here but, I rather be somewhere else, I don't belong here, I should have stayed in Canada. (I know it is and was  impossible!) What am I doing here? Wasn't I in Canada? It feels unfair that I'm here, this isn't real happening? The further I thought the deeper I sanked. I needed to stop thinking.

Thank God I was at work, so I could do something, working with things, making things, challenging myself to ddo things but without rush and pressure. I had my okay and fun moments aswell today, Some jokes at work were hilarious, and after work I wouldn't be happy I thought that Ricardo came to my door, I didn't look forward to it. I rather was alone for a while and I was alone for a while and the negative thoughts came again, sigh. Then a knock on the door, Ricardo! He was nice to me and told me he loved me and missed me! I hugged him and kissed him on the forehead. It was a nice feeling he missed me and my negative thoughts disapeared. "I'm gonna miss you alot when I'm moving this week," said Ricardo. "I'm gonna miss you more," I told him. Yeah he can be nice awell, but sometimes it won't take long till he has his crazy five minutes again. And they came, so I had to take him upstairs. I wanted to make dinner quietly and without him. Quit difficult to send him upstairs to his Dad, cause he's so attatched to me!

After I sent him to his Dad, he came back three times, sigh! It was alright, I always fall for his 'sorry Sjon's.' Ricardo told me he will come back tomorrow, hmm, I don't know if I will be home or not (accidentily) I will see, I know he can't be always with me, but he seems to be not aware of that. Dinner was nice, I had some potatoes with spinach, and a smoked sausage. I sat with a few others while having my dinner, one guy said, 'We should do this more often this dinning together." I agreed. But for tonight I rather and looked forward to be alone for a while after my dinner, just doing my things and have my down moment, I'm sure tomorrow or perhaps then tomorrow I will be better, ah! Things will go better, everything needs time.