"Nerves."
I was up at 5: 30 am, afraid to sleep further, cause it will be 8:45 am in a no time. At 8:45 my counselor will pick me up and drive with me to Humanitas. I don't like to rush things, so I got up (early) and did what I had to do. A little bit of packing, (the most packing I did last night) I made breakfast and some lunch for later, and now I'm on the laptop. I got the nerves when the time went a bit faster in the morning, I just don't know what to expect, what kinda people are their? are they bad? are they nice? Can you trust them? Thinking of it makes me nerves, and makes me wanna cancel it all. But I have to go, cause I need to move on, there is no other way!I can't stay here. Funny though, that it's different now then 4 or 5 years ago, If they would offer me then a job or something else what is important, I would have thought twice, maybe it's the fact that I didn't really had to, there was no forcement, I was good. And now there is this huge forcement, I have to! Even though I'm dead nervous, I want to go now, just to get it over with. It's 8:55 now, he's late. Hurry up!
Finally 10 minutes after 9:00 and he arrived. He told me that he would have a small car yesterday, but when I saw the car, it was bigger then I thought it was. I guided him in and we took the heavy suitcases in his car, I told him about my bike but he didn't want to take more luggage in the small car. I gave the bike to the owner of the summer house to let her keep an eye on it, "I will pick it up later this week," I told her. I couldn't pay the owner for the last three weeks, and I felt still bad, that's why I left the rest of my food and groceries in a big shopping bag and gave it to her. The shopping bag was huge and it was full, I thought I wont need it at Humanitas, I don't even know if there's a kitchen. It was time to go, and I was still dead nervous, where I should actually be happy and excited. The normal nerves I guess.
When we arrived in Almelo, (The city where Humanitas is settled), I remembered the times when I was here before. When I was still a kid, my Mom and Dad and I used to walk over the market here. It sure has changed in Almelo, I saw alot of huge buildings what I never saw before. We were nearly there and I didn't expect Humanitas was settled here and sure not in this street in the middle of the centre. It was a huge building, in a busy street. The owner shook my hand when we walked in and we grabbed a coffee and sat down for an introduction talk. It felt good, and the nerves went less. After our talk my counselor went further to another appointment and I took my suitcases to my new room. The building inside felt like a huge maze, I got lost with my heavy suitcase more then 6 times. Stairs up and down, and lost again. I needed help from others to find my room again, the heavy suitcases felt heavier and heavier.
My room number is number 15. The room is small, small but okay. There is one desk, one closet a small fridge and one bed, that's it. The owner told me that this is a kind of a crisis emergency, it's still a question if I can stay here for 8 months, so that's why this small room. But I was perfectly fine with it. On the desk I saw a bin with forks, knifes, spoons, and other kitchen tools, and further pans, pots and dishes. I wil have to make my own food, I get 40 Euro once a week every Thursday and there you buy grocery for, I think it's not that bad. I went right away after I putted my suitcases in a save place to the local supermarket. When I was done with my grocerie shopping I still had lots of left over money from the 40 Euro. And 'damn,' I thought about the shopping bag I gave to the owner of the summer house, I thought I wont need it here, but they HAVE a kitchen here!
The pots and pans I was getting, to make my own meal.
The little tiny fridge on my room, not much but good enough for me.
This is what they called the 'crisis room', a room what you get when there's an emergency when you suddenly need a place to stay.
One single bed, it's not big but big enough for me. I slept pretty good the first night.
I bought everything I needed, well almost, in the end I forgot so many things. On the last moment I still had to buy a few groceries. I need to adjust here and that takes time. But I like it here. It was calm and quiet where I first was, that was good for me, cause I needed the rest. Now it's time for the next level in my process, I'm moving on. People at Humanitas are nice and friendly. Even the residents here are friendly, even though some don't look like it. It's a city with lots of people, when I want to calm down or need a rest, I will go to my room and lock my door, just like everyone else does. The good thing about Almelo is that they have a lot of agencies where they can find jobs for me. You walk in with your resume and you fill in a form and done. Well, not really done, cause they still need to find a proper job for you, and that takes time. I think I saw more then 12 of those agencies.
I think I will spend one day or a afternoon to visit some of them, cause I still need a job.What will happen next with me? What's on the next program? Next Tuesday I have a appointment with the owner and with my counselor. We will have a talk about wether I can stay here for the 24-hour program or not, Cause now I'm just here cause I didn't had a place to stay, well, I had but, it was much to expensive, and my time was up there. The reason why Humanitas took me in is called a 'emergency call'. Either way I have less worries now, and that's a relief. But still no job and income, Friday I will have to call with Gak again and my counselor is keeping contact with the government, cause Humanitas needs to be payed aswell, not by me but by them. Still lots to do, it keeps my thoughts a bit laway from Canada. Yes, I still miss Saf and the kids, specially the kids.
When I think of them for only two seconds I get it hard again. But you know what? In the end I will still miss them but I will have a better feeling about it I guess. But were not there yet, those missing feelings and sad feelings will come back. In the end it will all be a good memory! No more sadness then, I hope, though I will never, never forget them. I really had a great time with Saf and I know for 1000% I will visit them again. Keeping contact with Saf and the kids means alot to me. I have a good feeling about the future, it feels good.
#A little confession: in the evening before I go to sleep, I put a picture from Tasn on my night table. Weird? No, cause I miss her, and this way doing that makes me feel good, so, not weird for me.
You got to move on....
12:05pm
Sometimes my friends say, "You got to move on, keep the memories with you but, move on." It's sure not easy to move on. My friends sure think of me, I could not continue without them, and I preciate that alot! I have to move on but where do I start? This week I need a message back from Humanitas, if not? Then I'm in BIG trouble. Cause I will be homeless then. I did some research on the internet for intstantions who can help me out when your homeless and don't have money. Searching to long for that makes me depresive and not able to look any further.
The stories of other homeless people on the internet is to much to handle, it makes me think, "Why me"? "I don't want this"! "Is this reality?" It sure is reality , and I have still so much to do, but first thing to do is to find a roof over my head this week . Today I will call with 'Gak' again. I'm already guessing what they will say, "Sorry Sir, your letter didn't recieve yet, can you call again in five days?" Sigh!
I just sent a mail off too Humanitas asking them if they already had some good news, maybe I shouldn't, cause it's still early to respond to them. Friday me and my counseler filled in the form and we spoke to a lady of Humanitas, it's Tuesday now, yesterday maybe they recieved the form, and then they will talk about it today. I just couldn't wait, cause I'm nervous and scared about the result. It feels like 'they' are my last hope.
I was thinking of other Family members who I can maybe call and ask for a place to stay, but those Family members I haven't spoke in years. And then to ask them would be akward, and how on earth do you ask something like that? So much to concern, I hope I have better news in the afternoon,cause I need to cheer up this blog! Don't worry it's comming! It will come.
And it came...
18:12 pm
So, I went to my Dad again, just like yesterday to call with Gak. Dad wished me a happy birthday, and gave me some money in my hand, but I gave it back. I said to him, "Keep it for now, I might need it later in the week." He said, "Okay." I grabbed Dad's phonebook to look up some Family members and friends, cause the time is running out, I need a place to stay this week . I wrote down a few adresses from people I know, you never know if they have a place for me.
Time to call Gak, I wasn't even nerves cause I was guessing already what they would say. And I was right. A lady picked up the phone and told me the same story again, the letter did not come yet, it takes five work days till a letter arrives, call back Friday. Sigh! They became to sound like parrots, I wanna bet if I call them back on Friday, they still don't have the letter. Even when I would bring the letter to them I swear they will do nothing with it. I was about to give up! I called my counseler to tell him about the phonecall to Gak.
He was angry aswell and he asked me what I done lately.I told him that I was still looking for houses and places, and still looking for jobs. My counseler wanted to make a phonecall again with the goverment. And he told me he will call back later. I waited 30 minutes and decided to go home, cause I knew the counseler will send me a mail later. When I arrived at home I opened my laptop, and saw alot of birthdays wishes on Facebook. It does me good when people think of me and that they concern, even though they far away.
I opened my mailbox and saw the counseler's mail, he wanted me to call him back right away, it was important! I took my coat and ran to the office of the summer camping, I asked for a phone and called my counseler, he had good news. He told me that Humanitas wanted me tomorrow early in the morning! I couldn't believe it, and got a bit nerves but felt aswell excited. "This is so all of a sudden," I thought. I need time to relax and prepair myself first when such things happen, but there was not much time. This is a next step forward for sure.
After the phonecall I spoke right away to the lady of the farm, cause this was my last chance to talk to her, tomorrow early in morning I will be gone. I needed to pay her but I can't, she knows about my situation and she knows I can't pay but she asked me anyway. I told her I can't but I will for sure pay you before the weekend. The lady had doubts first, but agreed later. I felt sorry, cause if I would have the money I would pay her. It feels bad that it has to be like this. I'm sure going to pay her, no matter what! How? I don't know.
Early up for me tomorrow, suitcases are packed, I'm actually ready to go. What can I expect there? I don't know and I will see, I know I can't stay here. What about internet? I don't know either, I hope they have internet. Keeping contact with my friends is important for me aswell,and writting in the blog to keep you guys informed.
For now I will say, perhaps see you at Humanitas or elsewhere, we sure will keep in touch!
I'm ready for my next step trough this proces.... Are you with me?
