Sometimes I'm falling back...
Unexpected I had a cry moment this morning... This morning after the coffee I felt down while I was waiting in the office for my weekly money. The person who arranges the weekly money was on the phone and I had to wait, while sitting there waiting my thoughts were wondering off. Then suddenly the woman was done and asked me to come in so she could hand over the weekly money, after she handed the money she asked me how I was doing, then I started to cry, just like that. I knew though why I was crying, something little happened last night and there was even no need to cry.
Yesterday when I opened my laptop to check my E-mails I saw there were 11 new messages, "wow," I thought I never had so many mails. "Maybe, there's a message from Saf or from Dako,"I thought, I recently sent Dako a mail to asking how he was doing. But no, no mail from Dako, but yes from Saf, the tittle said "Phonebill." When I opened the mail Saf told me about her phonebill, and asked me friendly to pay a apart too. I made a few phone calls to Holland last year December while I was still in Canada. Saf hated it to ask, she told me in the mail. My first reaction was, "How dare she to ask me, she knows I'm broke," but it's fair towards her that I pay for my own phonecalls. Even though I don't have the money for it yet.
I answered her friendly like she was friendly to me, "I will pay my part when I have the money for it", I messaged her,"But first I would like to see the bill," I think that's fair too. She replied and told me she will send me in a couple of days the bill trough a mail. Further she asked me if I already was dating someone, and if I didn't I should take a step forward and try to date someone. She was dating someone recently, she told me. It was all meant good, but I didn't like it that much, the subject dating hurted me. I didn't feel like e-mailing about the subject 'dating,' right now, and I surely didn't want to know that Saf was already seeing someone. Although I knew that she was dating, it felt like a statement. But aparently she wasn't aware of the pain I was still going trough, It's over for her, but for me? I need time to heal.
I explained her that I didn't like the subject 'dating' in the message I sent back, and that I surely wasn't ready to date someone yet. I need to settle my life first, I need to arrange alot of things, my mind is not on dating yet, I'm not in a hurry. I'm still going trough this proces and it takes alot of time, and I will take my time, I'm not in a rush. I told her aswell, that I'm happy that she is seeing someone, but that I don't want to talk about that either. It hurts knowing that, and I need time. Why am I telling all this private stuff in my blog? I didn't want to tell this in the first place, I didn't thought it was a big thing. Saf asked me to pay a part of a phonebill and asked me a few other things, I thought "Okay, fair enough," I will just mail Saf back and that's it. But in the end it bothered me, I was thinking alot of things and even in the end I cried, I don't even know why. There was no need to cry, but it happened.
Unexpected I had a cry moment this morning... This morning after the coffee I felt down while I was waiting in the office for my weekly money. The person who arranges the weekly money was on the phone and I had to wait, while sitting there waiting my thoughts were wondering off. Then suddenly the woman was done and asked me to come in so she could hand over the weekly money, after she handed the money she asked me how I was doing, then I started to cry, just like that. I knew though why I was crying, something little happened last night and there was even no need to cry.
Yesterday when I opened my laptop to check my E-mails I saw there were 11 new messages, "wow," I thought I never had so many mails. "Maybe, there's a message from Saf or from Dako,"I thought, I recently sent Dako a mail to asking how he was doing. But no, no mail from Dako, but yes from Saf, the tittle said "Phonebill." When I opened the mail Saf told me about her phonebill, and asked me friendly to pay a apart too. I made a few phone calls to Holland last year December while I was still in Canada. Saf hated it to ask, she told me in the mail. My first reaction was, "How dare she to ask me, she knows I'm broke," but it's fair towards her that I pay for my own phonecalls. Even though I don't have the money for it yet.
I answered her friendly like she was friendly to me, "I will pay my part when I have the money for it", I messaged her,"But first I would like to see the bill," I think that's fair too. She replied and told me she will send me in a couple of days the bill trough a mail. Further she asked me if I already was dating someone, and if I didn't I should take a step forward and try to date someone. She was dating someone recently, she told me. It was all meant good, but I didn't like it that much, the subject dating hurted me. I didn't feel like e-mailing about the subject 'dating,' right now, and I surely didn't want to know that Saf was already seeing someone. Although I knew that she was dating, it felt like a statement. But aparently she wasn't aware of the pain I was still going trough, It's over for her, but for me? I need time to heal.
I explained her that I didn't like the subject 'dating' in the message I sent back, and that I surely wasn't ready to date someone yet. I need to settle my life first, I need to arrange alot of things, my mind is not on dating yet, I'm not in a hurry. I'm still going trough this proces and it takes alot of time, and I will take my time, I'm not in a rush. I told her aswell, that I'm happy that she is seeing someone, but that I don't want to talk about that either. It hurts knowing that, and I need time. Why am I telling all this private stuff in my blog? I didn't want to tell this in the first place, I didn't thought it was a big thing. Saf asked me to pay a part of a phonebill and asked me a few other things, I thought "Okay, fair enough," I will just mail Saf back and that's it. But in the end it bothered me, I was thinking alot of things and even in the end I cried, I don't even know why. There was no need to cry, but it happened.
Why should I cry about this? I thought I was ready for Saf to message her or mail her, just so now and then a little message asking her how she is. Once a month or once in two months, no problem I thought. Am I still not over her? I'm doing better then a few months ago, but I guess there is still a bit of a feeling deep inside somewhere, I don't know.I would like to keep the peace between us, and I hope this phonebill message does not end in a argue. I will pay my callings, just because I think it's fair, But I'm not paying my calls just because I don't want to argue with her. Paying her back is my priority, but I can't pay the whole sum all at once.
I wonder why I'm so afraid to argue with Saf, and why I want to keep the friendship with her and her kids. What is that? Why is it so important for me? Maybe it's the fact that 'they' were a huge part of my life during the years I was there. Still I don't know though, I just can't say to myself, "Hey, let them be, and forget them." I'm okay with the break up now. I knew that Saf and I will never be together again after Saf told me that it was better for you to go home. It's fine, I have peace with it. But really, keeping a little contact would be great, they were a part of my life. I can't throw that just of me! A few months ago I decided to do the 'No contact,' I needed that but it was difficult to explain that to other ones, specially to Saf, I didn't want to hurt her, but I really needed the 'No contact.'
The 'No contact' was needed for healing, I was struggling with myself to keep being friends with Saf and trying to settle my life again. That didn't work. After I deleted her from Facebook and got rid of the stuff what reminded me of her a huge rock fell of my heavy heart, what a relief. Not the fact that I got rid of Saf but that I got rid of the thoughts from me from her. Now I could continue, and I wished I had done it sooner. Sometimes I have it difficult with the' No contact,' but I keep going on. Although at the moment I would like to message her sometimes whenever I feel I'm ready, I really don't see the harm in that. But! I red this somwehere....
I wonder why I'm so afraid to argue with Saf, and why I want to keep the friendship with her and her kids. What is that? Why is it so important for me? Maybe it's the fact that 'they' were a huge part of my life during the years I was there. Still I don't know though, I just can't say to myself, "Hey, let them be, and forget them." I'm okay with the break up now. I knew that Saf and I will never be together again after Saf told me that it was better for you to go home. It's fine, I have peace with it. But really, keeping a little contact would be great, they were a part of my life. I can't throw that just of me! A few months ago I decided to do the 'No contact,' I needed that but it was difficult to explain that to other ones, specially to Saf, I didn't want to hurt her, but I really needed the 'No contact.'
The 'No contact' was needed for healing, I was struggling with myself to keep being friends with Saf and trying to settle my life again. That didn't work. After I deleted her from Facebook and got rid of the stuff what reminded me of her a huge rock fell of my heavy heart, what a relief. Not the fact that I got rid of Saf but that I got rid of the thoughts from me from her. Now I could continue, and I wished I had done it sooner. Sometimes I have it difficult with the' No contact,' but I keep going on. Although at the moment I would like to message her sometimes whenever I feel I'm ready, I really don't see the harm in that. But! I red this somwehere....
For those who want to remain friends: Why do you think that is? It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”. They are not ready to let you go (yet)
And this....
No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain. No Contact allows you to heal quicker.
Although I would still like to keep contact, not weekly but just like I said, whenever I'm ready or feel for it. In the end I would really like that we both go seperad ways with both of us a happy life, with a so now and then a little chat asking, "How are you." I keep saying and repeating it, LOL! And I didn't even wrote about how my day was, tomorrow? I will do it tomorrow! Okay? Say yes! LOL!
