"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."
I wish it was a working day but it isn't, so I can focus on other things. I had a better day yesterday, I was fine with things. I thought everything was settled, between you know who and me. But so now and then I think of her, and when I see her I get quiet. When I have the time to see her, I want to go to her but I know it's not right, I don't want to go to her. But sometimes I can't stop myself. What the hell is wrong with me? Will it go with every women I feel atractive to like this? I hope not, I really have to learn to control myself then. Okay once more, I'm not ready for a relationship, I don't want to. I would like to settle things first for myself, and then slowly on we will see what happens. In the meanwhile I would like to enjoy my freedom. I should write this on a memo card and stick it on the wall, LOL!
This morning with the second coffee break Ina was there aswell, and I went quiet. I had the feelings she keeps her distance from me, I think. No eye contact. I should be fine with it, but it does something to me. Then she had to go somewhere, but she came back later. She was hectic and she had tears in her eyes, sigh! Damn! She throwed some things on the ground to put her moped in the little garage. She was surely not feeling happy, some staff members went with her to her room I thought, to calm her down, I broke and I would really like to calm her down aswell but it was better not. I went to my room, and thought I will wait 15 minutes and then I will go to her. I waited 5 minutes and started to walk to her room, sigh. Her door was closed I saw from the stairs and I went back to my room.
After 10 minutes the same thing, I started to walk to her room, her door was still closed I could see. I went back to my room again, I waited 15 minutes and did the same thing over, still her door was closed. I went back to my room and tried to give up. But after 10 minutes (Am I nuts?) I went downstairs to go look if I had any mail, I thought I will look for my mail, then afterwards I go back to Ina's room to see if she was then there. On my way to the mail, I suddenly saw her, she wasn't all the time in her room but in one of the offices with a staff member. I asked her how she was doing and if she was feeling alright, she replied with some swear words about her ex. She went to her ex to pick upsome things and her ex insulted her badly. I felt pity for her and wanted to put an arm around her, to tell her it's gonna be alright.
But, she didn't like that, and said, "Don't do that," she told it friendly though, she wasn't mad. I got the message but was suprised. I felt more distance, I wondered why, I wasn't looking for love, but I felt just sorry for her. Was I to much for her? I walked with her upstairs while she kept talking about her ex, I didn't know what to answer, afraid I was to much. She went to her room and I went to mine. "Ugh, just let it be", I thought. The day went on and I joined a few residents who made a huge lunch for a staff member who was here for her last day. It was nice and comfy, I made myself some peanutbutter jelly sandwiches for my lunch. I didn't feel so well, I felt heavy on my chest. I would like to let it all be, all the thoughts, but it ain't easy. In about an hour Ina came back and had her reunited daughter with her, I shoutted, "Welcome back!" And she thanked me.
I went to my room when I finnished my lunch and tried to go for a nap, I was dead tired. But I couldn't catch my sleep, thank God Ricardo knocked on my door, yeah I said "Thank god." I really would like to go out with him for a little while, just to leave it all be, the wind on my head will do me good. Before we took off one staff member wanted to talk with me, she asked me into her office. When I sat down she asked me what was going between Ina and me, sigh! I was suprised! The staff member heard some rumours, yeah every wall here has ears! I was happy though that I could spit all of my thoughts out, finally someone where I could talk to about this. I told her the whole story and what I would like and what my plan and thoughts were. After all what happened the last few days I just want to get along with Ina, just like I get along with the other residents, that's all!
The staff member kinda understood me, (I so dislike it when they don't understand me) it was nice of her that she told me that I can always talk with her when it's needed. She even made a appointment for wednesday with me for another talk. I have another appointment this comming Sunday with Sandra, she's a stand in counselor for Paula. I'm gonna talk to her aswell about Ina, this just can't go on like this. I feel afwull most of the time the last few days, and it seems Ina is hidding or ignoring me. She wants to continue this for the rest of her staying here? That would be crazy, but okay, we will see. The bikeride with Ricardo was great, although he was naughty and shoutted he wanted to go left instead of right, or that he wanted to go for a icecream with me not having money, I loved it!
How do I feel at the moment? I'm feeling slightly okay, I have my down and sad moments. But aswell I have my 'Screw it all, I'm just gonna have fun' moments, I should actually have such feelings more. Cause when I think of it, what is actually going on? I'm good with the residents, very good I must say, only Ina is a bit of a problem, I hope 'that' can be solved. I like her and I want the best for her in the end. I don't like the ignoring and I don't like the distance, I'm not a stalker and I'm not a pervert. Now some good news to end this post, I got some nice money back from my taxes from 2007/2008 and 2009. That's filling my bankaccount nicely. I should make a quick start with searching for houses aswell, still I haven't it settled the searching but that will come in time soon I hope.
I found out that it's time for me to go, staying here to long at Humanitas isn't healty for me. You can become to attatched to the people and the living here, it's time to go!
P.s: I had a little chat just before I went to bed with some of the residents, Ina came to for a little while, I kept my distance first but then I talked with the residents and aswell Ina. She responded back and we kinda joked around with each other. See, now that is what I want, just a normal get along with each other,nothing more. Let's see how it will go the following days.
I went to my room when I finnished my lunch and tried to go for a nap, I was dead tired. But I couldn't catch my sleep, thank God Ricardo knocked on my door, yeah I said "Thank god." I really would like to go out with him for a little while, just to leave it all be, the wind on my head will do me good. Before we took off one staff member wanted to talk with me, she asked me into her office. When I sat down she asked me what was going between Ina and me, sigh! I was suprised! The staff member heard some rumours, yeah every wall here has ears! I was happy though that I could spit all of my thoughts out, finally someone where I could talk to about this. I told her the whole story and what I would like and what my plan and thoughts were. After all what happened the last few days I just want to get along with Ina, just like I get along with the other residents, that's all!
The staff member kinda understood me, (I so dislike it when they don't understand me) it was nice of her that she told me that I can always talk with her when it's needed. She even made a appointment for wednesday with me for another talk. I have another appointment this comming Sunday with Sandra, she's a stand in counselor for Paula. I'm gonna talk to her aswell about Ina, this just can't go on like this. I feel afwull most of the time the last few days, and it seems Ina is hidding or ignoring me. She wants to continue this for the rest of her staying here? That would be crazy, but okay, we will see. The bikeride with Ricardo was great, although he was naughty and shoutted he wanted to go left instead of right, or that he wanted to go for a icecream with me not having money, I loved it!
How do I feel at the moment? I'm feeling slightly okay, I have my down and sad moments. But aswell I have my 'Screw it all, I'm just gonna have fun' moments, I should actually have such feelings more. Cause when I think of it, what is actually going on? I'm good with the residents, very good I must say, only Ina is a bit of a problem, I hope 'that' can be solved. I like her and I want the best for her in the end. I don't like the ignoring and I don't like the distance, I'm not a stalker and I'm not a pervert. Now some good news to end this post, I got some nice money back from my taxes from 2007/2008 and 2009. That's filling my bankaccount nicely. I should make a quick start with searching for houses aswell, still I haven't it settled the searching but that will come in time soon I hope.
I found out that it's time for me to go, staying here to long at Humanitas isn't healty for me. You can become to attatched to the people and the living here, it's time to go!
P.s: I had a little chat just before I went to bed with some of the residents, Ina came to for a little while, I kept my distance first but then I talked with the residents and aswell Ina. She responded back and we kinda joked around with each other. See, now that is what I want, just a normal get along with each other,nothing more. Let's see how it will go the following days.
