Looking back at the time in Canada now, I sure I can say that I have changed and learned many things. I saw manors and behaviour of myself that I didn't even know I had in me. I sure lived a live in Canada, a thing I didn't had much back in Holland, it was always the same ol' same ol'. Nothing really happened back in Holland, I woke up had my breakfast and red the newspaper. Then computer, afterwards maybe some grocery or some householdings, then cook dinner or made lunch. And that's it! Tomorrow? The same thing.
Yes, pretty boring, but I didn't know else. I lived my life quietly, I was jobless. I had a few friends. Although I rather was alone I longed aswell for some people around me, more friends or a Family. Yeah, a Family! Sigh! that would be something. I was at a age that I longed for a woman and perhaps some kids, but they were hard to find. When I met Saf I was in heaven, she was for sure my first love ever.
I couldn't care less she had 5 kids, I liked and loved them aswell. I was in love, but I held it a bit on the background when we first talked, cause for the same reason Saf wouldn't like me. I was nerves and scared. And funny that I kept that nerves and scary feeling all the time with me in our relationship. I was carefull, very carefull with her, I treated her like a porseline vase. Afraid to break our relation. I know it's not a good thing, I need to stand up for myself sometimes aswell. You could say I was fragile.
The carefullness didn't change, it's just the way I am. If I have a problem, I will try to solve it myself, and if I really, really need help I will ask for help to others. If there is something I don't like what 'someone' else did, I will complain to 'another' person but I wont go to the person who caused the problem. I've been challenged many, many times back in Canada with that problem. Most of the time I solved the problem, and complained afterwards. The people around me didn't like that.
"Next time you go to that person, and you talk or complain to him or her," they would say, or they say, "Don't talk or complain to me, go to the person who caused the problem." So now and then I had a little burst out, just angry at myself for not be daring enough or angry at the person who I didn't dare to go to, to say something about the problem they created. Yeah, I learned alot, but it wasn't complaining and arguing all the time, we had a great time aswell. We were happy together! We were a family!
It was a huge difference life then the life I lived in Holland. Maybe it was just to much, to overwhelming, to hectic, being then in a huge Family. I'm trying now to solve a puzzle in my head, I'm trying to figure out why I couldn't controle my anger sometimes, why did I had sometimes the burst outs? But do I have too figure it out? Is it neccessarry? Not really, but it bothers me alot, I'm feeling guilty and I'm asking myself, "Why didn't I do 'this' then, or, why didn't I do 'that' then." Would it have changed something? Yes! I really gave it a 100%, but, I guess I failed. After a burst out or a argue I felt regrets and told myself, "Never that again," and strangely enough it happens again.
Sometimes I feel bad about the burst out I sometimes had, or the arguess Saf and I had, I still have the feeling we didn't try to solve this problem. Ofcource we talked about it, many times, but it was more saying sorry and it won't happen again, and we moved on again. I felt bad after every argue or burst out. Saf responded mostly quitly and was ignoring me for a few days, no words. I hated that, but I learned that it wasn't a good idea to talk to her then. In the ignorance time from Saf, I thought alot, Was it my fault? was it hers?
I tried to make sense of the argue or burst out I had, Usually after a argue or burst out I tried to make it good again with a bunch of flowers or a funny loving note or even a card. But I truly wish that Saf and I talked more about our/my problem, trying to solve things, trying to solve our relationship, solve the argues or burst outs, etc, etc. I have the feeling we mostly never did this. I wish Saf talked more or gave me a kick in the butt, saying, STOP! it's enough!
Saf and her kids were the family I wanted, they were not just a Family. They were special and very interesting. I was happy with Saf and her kids,I love them and I cared and still do. Although we broke up, I'm still happy that I was a part of the Family, these 3 years in my life with them I will treasure and will never forget. That's why I want to keep contact with them.
But I need to move on aswell, and so has Saf and her kids. I will miss them! It sounds like a goodbye now, but it's not. That's why the thought in my head, 'friends forever', I said it many times, I want to keep contact with them, and I won't tell why, cause that I said already a 1000 times. About the fight about the deleted pictures on Facebook, that hurted me deeply, I thought, "I really hope we still can be friends." I know I need to move on with my life, cause I have some major problems. But yesterday with the deleted pictures, I couldn't care less about my other major problems, there friendship was more important for me then anything else.
Geesh, am I going nuts? Can't I get over our break up? Yes, I can, but don't forget that these 3 years of my life I lived a life what I always wanted. I had a lovely girlfriend, I had kids calling me Daddy, I took care of them, readed them stories, I was a husband and a Father, I can go on and on. That's why it's important for me to still be friends, cause that's the last thing I have of them, and I don't want to loose that. From now on I will treasure this friendship.
Yes,I know I'm a wrack at the moment, and repeat the same words over and over, or make a mess with my sayings, but it's just the way I am right now. I will get trough this! With them, and not without them!
