"Taking it to the heart."
It's Monday, but it feels like Sunday. I'm having a day off, though I'm glad that this upcomming week will be a normal schedule again... You just gotta love these holidays what mixes up your weekly schedule, lol. But hey! A day off is always nice, and although it feels like Sunday, a good thing is that the stores are open. This month I will try to buy a new bed, I'm a bit fed up with my sleeping room. I would like to decorate it just like I decorated and finnished the livingroom. Today I went to a few stores to inform for the bed. Good thing is that I have already a matrass, mostly that's the expensist part of the bed. I saw a few nice beds for a nice price, the seller asked me about the size of the matrass, Bumnmer! I forgot! Yeah I know it's a one person matras from Ikea but what size does it have? I will have to check that. The seller told me aswell that it's easier to go to there site and order the bed from there, I thought, 'That sounded a bit akward but, okay.' I will give it a try.
Recently I informed about my belongings towards Saf, these belongings are still in Canada, I gave her a few options what she can do with it. She can keep most of my belongings, or sell, or just give them away, I don't think we ever come to a agreement or solution what to do with it, so I thought, 'Just leave it, it's fine.' We both don't have the money to ship the belonmgings, altough it seemed. Though I asked Saf to ship a few things towards Holland before Christmas, that was a box with clothing and the computer. Still I didn't had a response, I waited untill I cam back from London cause of the holidays. Then I sent Saf a mail asking about my belongings, and suprise, I had a mail back. All of the belongings are gone, the records, singles, dvd's, cd's are been sold. Clothing has been given away to Goodwill, and that's it. Though I asked her to do all this, and though I was fine with it, it really knocks you in the head now you know that all your belongings are gone, and you wont see them again. Pity about my huge record and cd collection, they would have been worth 1000's of Euro's in Holland.
I'm sure I putted 1000 Euro's in the record and in the cd collection, though if I would get them back there wouldn't be an option to play them here, I don't have equipment and this is not really the place to play my records. I would have sold them. So yeah, pity for a moment, but a relief aswell that this 'belongings problem' has ended. I will get over it. About my computer and clothing, and perhaps other stuff, for example Christmas decorations. Oh well, I hope there happy with it, though when I think about or write about itlike I do now, I get a bit upset and a angry feeling, we had a deal. Anyway, I finnished and closed the book 'belongings.' It was not that a good end, but hey, I'm relieved. Let's continue with my life. Saf was on a roll and was nice towards me in her mail, that gave a good feeling aswell. That's how I like it, no hatred or argues, so now and then a short message or a little talk. I hate being enemies. We had a little debate about dating aswell in the mail, I should be dating again in Saf's eyes. Although she meant it good, I'm fine the way I am at the moment.
She wasn't satisfied and she continued with another mail, 'You have always been the one to sit back and wait for things to happen. When do you think you will be ready to actively date? What are you waiting for? Its been over a year now. How much longer do you need? I think its your own fears controlling you rather than you "not being ready" and "too fragile". I think you should give yourself a cut off date or a challenge. But to wait much longer is just silly. Start by March 1st. Join some sort of club, start going to the library, how about a self help club? Join groups online.' Although these sayings sounds strongely and perhaps sound hard, I know she meant it good, she's concerning, I preciate that and love it. Though I think she doesn't have a clue where I went trough the last year, and I think aswell she doesn't have a clue what I accomplished and managed so far. Saf wanted me to DO something, well I did alot of 'something' but not dating yet.
I'm happy at the moment, it's been a year now, and for some people it might seem a long time, but not for me.
For now I'm good, I'm happy with the way I feel and happy with the way things are. I'm not gonna search for a woman yet, and I'm not gonna search for a date yet. I'm taking it easy, I have accomplished so many things already in the last year, so much more then I accomplished when I still lived in Nijverdal. It's almost overwhelming. I have work now too, wich I didn't had untill 2003. Yes, I agree I', a person who always sat back and waited for things to happen but I have changed alot, it's only the dating what I don't want yet right now. I'm happy now with what I have, I'm not waiting for a date or for a partner, at the moment I'm just enjoying the new things I accomplished last year. My house, the people around me who I met last year, work, ect.
Yes it's been over a year now, but it isn't that easy to get over this break up, my first break up, Saf was my first serious relationship, I had a family around me what I really loved. Sure I'm doing SO much better now then last year January, and that feels good.
I'm happy now with the way things are now. Sure I would like to have a date once again but not at the moment. And when that 'once again' will come I will work on it. But for now, I'm good. When I would be really sad or lonely and would beg for a date or a new relationship I would work on it or make it one of the goals for this year. My time for sure will come that I will work on a date, just for now my mind says, 'Not yet Sjon.' And sure perhaps one day a woman will cross my path, I know I won't hold back then. I see it as a sign what I have to take.
"I think it's a great feeling that I'm taking enough time to myself to get to where I want to be, then I'll be in an awesome place and ready for a relationship."
