Sjon-shinny-day!

Sjon-shinny-day! 

Another nice day at work, I made a wooden side-table again. This side table was a bit bigger then the ones I made before. It was warm, with our breaks we sat outside in the sun.When I came back from work I saw Frank at Humanitas, Frank is the one who recently got himself a new house. But apearantly he doesn't seem to like it, he keeps comming back every weekend. Sigh! Makes me a bit tired though, if Frank is around he is usually with Johannus. And they both invite me to have a little drink, that's okay but sometimes I like to be my own aswell, surely after a working day, but anyway, being with them can be fun too. I'm not complaining.

It's the weekend for me, as always at Thursdays. This weekend will be Easter-weekend, did I planned anything? Not yet, I think I will just let it come over me. Maybe they will organize here at Humanitas something, but I doubt it. I could go to my Dad, but I don't know. I will see what I will do, I think at my Dad's place they will organize something for sure, it's all good. I don't really like such Holidays, like Easter or Christmas, it's nice when you have a huge Family. While being with Saf and her kids it was nice during the Holidays, there was always something to do with the Holidays, and if there was not nothing to do, then they will organize something.

How am I doing? 

I'm doing better, not feeling jolly and all happy, but I'm doing better then 2 months ago. The 'No contact' is a bless, I wasn't doing the No contact to offend or hurt Saf or the kids, but it was needed to heal me. I explained them that and I hope they understand. I still love them! The thoughts of the Family are less, the kids though, I missed the most, and still a bit. So now and then I have a little peek on my old Facebook account to have a look at Noor and Mar's pages. Sometimes I sent them a message, just a 'hello,' or a 'how are you.' But these little peek's are becoming less aswell. It's all good, it's fine, I'm progressing! But I still care.

I realized (strange enough) that I have my life here now, I knew I won't return back to Canada. All the thinking of Saf or the kids didn't help me further, ofcource, I still sometimes think of them, but it's goes alot easier then two months ago, I can give it a place now and that's what I did. It's alowed to think of them. I'm still building up my life, and I think me and Saf  are in peace with each other that we  both go our separated ways. It's fine and good in my head I can continue with my building. You know, sometimes I  came to a certain point in my proces that I got tired, tired of trying everything to ease the pain. Then I wanted to leave it all and just let it all be. And I tried it a few times, I'm now at a point that things and thoughts go easier. 

I know what was hurting me the last 3 months, and still a bit it hurts. I wanted companion and a family around me, a loving wife. Then all of a sudden Saf showed up with 5 gorgeous kids, and we had a huge click and we fell in love. "I must be dreaming," I thought, but it was reality! Looking back now at this past, I miss the things we had and the things we did in our relationship. I miss the kids and miss the family things. I'm not so missing Saf anymore, I missed her the first month but I can give that a place  in my head aswell. She has her own life now with someone new. It's fine, thinking of that hurted me, but it's less now.It's fine.
 Although the companion of someone around me, an arm around me or someone to wake up to in the morning. That is all gone now, and that hurts still a bit. 

Funny thing, I told this story aswell to my counselor Linda, after she asked me how I was doing. Afterwards she asked me if I wanted again children, I told her, "Hell yeah!" Having kids is the best thing ever happend to me, although I was the Stephdad.  But children again? I hope it, really! But my age, darn!  I wish I was 10 years younger, lol! But who knows.