Moving on with a speedbump...

Moving on with a speedbump...

Apparently someone didn't like my last post, Saf deleted me from her Facebook friendslist, and so did Cle. That hurts, and I don't understand it. I was already doing what I suppose to be doing, continuing with my life, and doing what Saf liked me to do, let her live her own private life and not follow her everywhere,  and now this. I felt good about my/our  decision, I was more then ready for it. I wish people would understand me, but if some people don't listen, yeah, well, I can't help that anymore. I'm done with it. I'm gonna switch over the page, and slowly continue again where I was, continue with my life and let Saf live her life.  Although it will be a bit with a slow start, I'm dusting of the dust from falling again, and get up and move along. Saf deleting me from her Facebook had a good side and a bad side, the bad side is that it hurts, and the akward good side is, I feel slightly a relief aswell. 

You know, thinking back at the 3 years in Canada I have the feeling that I failed. I could have done so much better, and that feeling is hard on me, I must say WAS hard on me. Coming back with THAT feeling in Holland wasn't a nice feeling aswell, but I got slightly over it. Looking back at the posts from January and February from this blog, was weird and felt akward, I can't believe what I all wrote. What was I thinking? But I know aswell that I went trough something and when I think of that, I feel no shame. That was me in that time, I knew it would be hard. I never wanted to hurt, stalk, or follow the Family, I wasn't thinking straight, my mind was elsewhere. I have been progressing now, and I'm sorry for what I did. I wrote Saf a message back, telling her I was sorry for everything. The message was meant to be a goodbye, closing the page and continue with moving on. 


I got a message back from Saf and she wasn't so nice, but again it's understandable. I was fed up with it, I wrote her back and told her again goodbye, but now goodbye forever. She told me that I should leave her alone, but didn't I do that already? Didn't we already talked about this?  Aaah, I'm done with it, it tires me. All I/we ever wanted was,  is to end the relationship with a happy ending, as far as that was possible. But we both failed, me more then her. Cause, she was the one who did the break up, and not me. Now she's mad and pissed off, and I don't like seeing her like that. But I have to continue, just like Saf. I have to let it go, and I will. Some people think I'm still in love with her, but, (let me write this in bold letters) 

I'm not in love with her anymore, actually the ' loving her'  ended already back in January, after our break up. I  just wanted to end the break up  without fighting or issues, and that we could think to ourselves, "Hey we tried but, we didn't manage." And not split up with angry faces. Faill! It's a pity it went like this. 

I deleted some of my Facebook friends cause Saf was not to speak about 'our' mutual friends, I did it just for the good sake and to keep the peace. She wanted me to leave her alone, so, yeah, me and my angry, fed up, silly, face I deleted her Family members too, (some of her Family members deleted me already)  The reason I deleted the Family members was that I wanted to close the page, and didn't want to be remembered of these last 3 years for a while. Everytime I saw one of the  daughters from Saf on Facebook, I got these 'missing' feelings, I don't want that anymore. But I felt sorry afterwards, why can't I just stay friends with the kids, or atleast some of them? I spent 3 years with them, I don't see harm in adding them back, if Saf let me though, if Saf says 'no' then it's a no! And that's fine.It's her choice and they are her kids. Later on Saf sent me a message back, saying she was proud of me how I stood up for myself on Facebook, instead of others doing that. She perhaps got the feeling that I sent some people after her, to get my right.

Well, I didn't, and what good would that bring? It would make things only worser. So, I had to fix that again, I'm so bad at getting criticism, I wish was easier with that. At the end of the message she wished me good luck and said bye. The message made me feel better, not that I got her attention again, but that we both calmed down and wished each other well. It makes me feel I can continue where I was, moving on. Talking about moving on, what did I do today? Well, I went to my Dad, and I decided to go on the bike and not with the train. I could use some air, the ride was nice but there was a strong wind. It's been a while since I drove that far, I took it easy. When I arrived at my Dad's place, my Aunt and Uncle were there too, they always come every Saturday morning, to buy grocery for my Dad. Dad was alright, his bandage and plasters were off his thumb. Slightly a bit of pain he still felt, but he was fine. I didn't stay long, cause Dad wanted to go downstairs for his lunch. 


The ride back went better, the wind was in my back. I bought some grocery when I got nearly home and took a nap when I arrived in my room. I never take long naps, 15, 20 minutes ans I'm done. But this time I slept for an hour! Woot! I was suprised. The day almost ended, I made some pasta for dinner, had some chit chats with some people here. Relaxing on the laptop is what I do mostly in the evening, tonight I had a beer, but ssshhh, don't tell anyone, cause were actually not allowed. If you get caught you get a warning, the second warning you get throwen out. It's just the rules. Some of the guys here at Humanitas told me that they do it aswell so now and then, drink a beer on there rooms. Aslong as you don't make loud noises or be violent,then it's alright. 

Okay, another post has almost ended, like I said, I'm closing the page, Saf. Meaning, I'm not going to talk about her again on here. (Or atleast try) Not that I hate her, and not we are in a fight, but, because I'm letting go of her for good sake, and for both of us. She's gonna live her life and I will live mine, I truly wish her and her kids all the best! 

I saw something...

I saw something... 

I saw something last night... Something what I didn't like, that something what I saw would have deeply depressed me or made me sad a month ago, but not anymore now. I'm stronger and I'm suprised that I am, I really am feeling better  then two months ago. I'm progressing with my thoughts and feelings, and not only that! I'm feeling stronger. I'm aware that I can accomplish alot more then I thought I could.

What did I saw then last night? There was a thing going on on Facebook, two weeks ago Saf modified me from her wall posts, I can't see her wall posts anymore I knew this already cause we talked about this on MSN. But I didn't want to mention it here on the blog, I actually want to stop writting or gossiping about Saf, I would like to continue my life and move on. That is what I like to write about at the moment, but that doesn't mean that Saf and I can't be friends. The reason why Saf modified me is because she wants to continue her life without ME following her everywhere or me comment on every little thing she does on Facebook. Saf didn't like it that I followed her kids aswell and bombard them with comments on there statusses.  I must admit that I was sometimes a bit to much in the beginning of the first month I was back in Holland, But I calmed down now. I was confussed and had to adjust being back here, and get used to a ' being alone again' situation.

The last two months were tough and depressing, I felt sad and confussed, I couldn't place anything. My head was a mess, I was struggling and fighting with my thoughts, although I moved on then, it sure wasn't easy. I escaped sometimes to Facebook, cause I had no one else to talk too, I was and felt alone. In that time when I was on Facebook and I saw Saf or I saw one of her kids, and I didn't know what to do. I was asking myself questions like, " Shall I comment?" or, "Shall they get mad when I talk to them?" and besides that I still was heavily in that 'missing them' proces.  I didn't want to bombard them with questions or comments, but it happened. I wanted to let them know I was alright, and I would like to know how they were doing. It sure wasn't a easy time.

As the time went on I slowly commented or asked them questions less, cause I knew they didn't like it, it was better for me aswell. I had more important things to do, then sit and wait for them so when I had time. It was time to let them go just a bit more, I realized it was better for me and for them. When I think back at that time now, I feel sorry, but for me it was totally understandable why I was so difficult and confussed. I hope other people would understand that too, I hope aswell they realize where I went trough. And not only me, Saf and her kids had a tough time aswell. Ofcource, cause what do you think? That after our brake up I would just feel great and continue with my life, like nothing has happened? It sure wasn't like that, we both needed time, and I needed people to be patience with me. 


About last night, like I said, there was a thing going on on Facebook. Saf her comments  weren't so nice, but it was understandable what she wrote. I'm not going to write all of her comments down, but I will put it in small words together. 'Saf told that she was tired of me commenting on her and her children, her friends and some of her things we share on Facebook.' But, didn't I already discused this with her? Why she bringing this up again? We kinda solved this already, I understand her though, I understand what she means with this. But what can I do? I don't like her seeing upset or getting tired but, come on! We discussed this already, and If she is getting tired of it, let her come to me, and let's talk like adults to solve this. And not behind my back so that everyone can comment on it. I just could look at the comments and there was nothing I could do.That wasn't nice!


The readers of my blog know by now that I had a difficult time behind me, and I'm not going to sum it all up again. One thing Saf told aswell was that 'she's getting tired of that she can't comment on her friends if I'm beaten her too it.' It wasn't and isn't my attention to beaten her to it, so that she can't comment on her friends statuses. How am I going to solve this then? No more commenting on my friends or our mutual friends statuses? Saf is free to comment on everyone on Facebook. Wouldn't it be much easier, that Saf and I just can comment on every status of our friends what ever we want? To show the people that we both are moving on with our lives separatly and are both fine with that?

I really wish she has the strenght for that and not be so stubborn, cause I'm not the one who's stopping her. We both shared a life togther, like Saf said in her comment aswell. In our relationship we build up friends, now after our break up we both have still these friends, there's nothing wrong with that. One last thing Saf told was, that she want's me to move on and let her have her own private life. That's also we discussed a week ago, Saf modified me, and we both decided that I comment and talk less with her and her kids. And then still she brings it up, I understand what she wants, and she is right, but I'm moving on, look at me where I stood a few months ago and look at me where I am standing now. I can't do miracles, I'm a human being with feelings like everyone else. I'm really not mad at Saf, but the way she handled this thing on Facebook wasn't right. It isn't my attention to hurt her, or her kids! I'm going trough a proces, she must realize this.

I went trough difficulties, how did I know? I didn't even know what I was thinking then.  I have nothing but good for her, I know we will never be a couple again, I'm fine with that. But atleast friends in the near future would mean alot, because of (all) the things we shared. Maybe it's an idea we let each other go till we settle our lives, and for now take our time with everything. It's getting tired fighting with myself, fighting with my thoughts, and with my feelings. So now and then you come on a certain point that you just want to let go, and just want to have fun again. Two weeks ago I had that that feeling of letting go, (drawning a line) no more fighting with myself or fighting with other ones,  I'm tired of explaining myself towards another. Although the fighting made me stronger, it helped me further, now I can continue. 


So, what will I be doing after all I wrote above?  What are my feelings about this? Well,  it's easy for me, I will just continue where I was. With moving on, step by step. I will comment even less on Facebook, what I already did, just for the good sake. I guess I will just let Saf and her kids be for a while. If she needs a talk, I will be there. What happened today? Not that much actually, after yesterday I needed resting, and that's what I did.  I didn't sleep so well, I had an early shower. There is so much sun outside, that makes my room even warmer. Prolly I will visit my Dad this weekend, to see how his thumb is. I think the bandage and plasters are already off. We will see....

Fire drill?

So there I was after my lunch on the toilet,  I just sat down. And then suddenly the fire alarm went off, and that thing was pretty loud. The first thing what noticed me was that no one was shouting or screaming for help. I stood up and ran upstairs to get my laptop, (snort) ' my baby.' I didn't smell smoke and I saw no one running. I heard the fire truck comming though with sirenes on, they were here in 10 minutes. I made a little run till I got outside, and there stood everyone. My first thought was a fire drill, I also asked the other people outside. "We don't know," they said, "we will soon find out." within 15 minutes the alarm went off and the fire people said it was all safe, it turns out one of the young kids in the building turned on the fire alarm. Sigh!