"Getting things of my chest... Giving it a place... Closing the page..."

 

"Getting things of my chest... Giving it a place... Closing the page..." 


I would like to move on, and continu my life. I have been trough a tough and difficult time, but I feel that's behind me now. Although I would like to get some things of my chest first, after that I would like to give it a place and then close the page. In think it will surely help me, otherwise it will bother me for a long time. Here we go...

My bad!

I have seen things from myself the last 2 and a half years what I even wasn't  aware of I had it in me,  sometimes I was suprised and thought, "Wow, look at me." But sometimes I was shocked aswell. I'm talking about the time I was in Canada, yeah again, Canada. 

Complainer! I never complained so much while I was in Canada, why? I don't know, I shouldn't have complained. But, it's oblivious. Comming from a small family and living completely on my own for 6 years, then comming to a huge family what is alive and kicking was overwhelming indeed, I noticed like Saf told me. She asked me once if this all wasn't to overwhelming for me. I answered, "No, I love this, and I want this." I must admit that I complained alot, yes. I complained about the mess, the dirty dishes, kids not listening, etc, etc. I never been in such a thing it was 'new' for me. I complained the wrong way aswell , I never went to the person who deserved the complain, instead of that I went to Saf or any other one who didn't deserved the complain. My bad! I learned my lesson! Page closed...

Discipline! Suddenly I had five kids, I'm not complaining, I choosed for it to take care of them, I loved it, and I wanted it. I loved them all and still do. But how do you take care of kids? What is parenting? I felt like I  dived into it, I jumped in the deep. But again, I wanted it and longed for it. Saf kids were cute and I wanted to take care of them, but I had it hard sometimes, when they were not listening. How do you tell a kid for the 5th time for example to leave a toy alone, if it's not yours? I left it, when they didn't want to listen, I gave up. Saf hated it, specially when I say the words "I give up." Wrong! I know. I sometimes couldn't believe that kids were not listening, or could be that naughty. I really had difficulties with telling them over and over again, or give them the right punishment, I would rather walk away and just leave it. Maybe I was frighten aswell that they will comment me saying to me, "your not even my real Dad," that happened a few times though. I was new to this, new in parenting and showing discipline to the kids. But I don't feel like I failed, oh no! The kids loved me, called my Daddy and begged many time for going to the park or for a bike ride,  and begged for putting them to bed, and that is saying something. Either way I learned my lesson! I'm proud! Page closed...

Relationship!  I never was in a relationship before, Saf was my very first girl I had a relationship with. Again, everything, absolutly everything was new for me being in our  relationship! I knew it would be difficult. oh yeah! I jumped into this relationship without ANY, ANY  experience. I never knew though that a relationship takes SO much more then only sharing the love. I literally had to learn the things the hard way, poor Saf and poor me. It made me feel immaturely, my bad! I learned my lesson! Page closed...

Temper! Yeah, I had a temper, I was suprised I had tempers. I never had them, never was aware I had it in me. Sigh, my tempers were bad, they just happened, well, not just, ofcource I had a reason for my tempers. If I was bothered about something and I couldn't express myself, (what often happened) I wondered myself of, just to shout or perhaps slam a door, my bad. Saf and I had sometimes issues or arguess, why? Well, in every relationship there are sometimes issues and arguess. Another why? See the writtings above you, I had so many things to deal with, so many new things, it was though,oh yeah! It sometimes frustraded me, I was frustraded about myself aswell, frustraded about why on earth I always screwed up again, after telling myself so many times, never do that again! I went for it and never wanted to gave up....

When Saf and I had a issue or argue I was the one who would  like to solve it right away, just to get the peace back between us. I felt bad after every argue, I knew I was most of the time wrong and I would like to explain myself why I had this temper or frustration. But ussualy in every issue or argue Saf wouldn't say a word orshe would  say a few words and then turn around and walk away and ignore me for a few days completely. Sigh! I knew we had problems with this in our relationship, and oh how I wanted to solve it, maybe a bit to much. I noticed that gifts or loving notes not always helps. And, YES, I had more tempers after we broke up, I felt bad and at the same time I was grieving, arranging my flight back to Holland, trying to get me a place to stay in Holland and dealed with Tammy in our house. It was mega frustrating, and yeah,  I sometimes needed to get my anger out. I went alot of times for a walk, and my bad, I sometimes went to the garage to throw things. Not things what was from the Family but just garbage stuff, once I threw a little spade, and it went flying trough towards a wooden wall and it stayed in the wall. I was shocked and I thought, "This isn't me." I really needed to calm down, I cried a few times aswell in the garage or while walking, it reliefed. But oh, it was a tough time. My bad? I don't know, it doesn't matter aswell. I learned my lesson! Page closed...

 Job!  I needed a job for sure, I realized that, and I realize it now even more! The things I accomplished now in the last 4 months was harder to accomplish then finding a job in Canada. If I think of that now, I can knock myself for my head why I didn't work harder for getting a  job in Canada. I sure needed a kick in the butt in Canada, my bad. Oh yeah, my bad. Though I had a little job delivering flyers while living in Barrie, Saf offered me the delivery to drive me, and helping me out. I was new to this, and oh my I though my heart stopped while I was done with my first round delivering flyers. 300 flyers, and I would get 30 cent per flyer. I enjoyed it a few times, the houses I saw were gorgeous! But I was nearly dead after delivering those flyers. This wasn't my job and the 30 dollars in the week didn't help much. It was tough to get a job in Barrie, where to go? where to find one? I even thought about going trough the streets and ask people to shovel snow of there driveway. But it didn't work out, my sick thyroid said no. My bad! Yeah, it was not an easy lesson to learn. How I see it now is, only when I really have to I can accomplish alot of things, that's my bad. But I learned from it! I grab everything what I need now here in Holland, only a shame I didn't do that while I was in Canada, I had it in me. Either way, Page closed...

I knew Saf wanted more from me, I was running the house, doing dishes, laundry and take care of the kids. I was aware that I had to stand up aswell and be a good Dad and be a good Husband, I needed to be responsible for the Family, bring in some money. But I just couldn't get started, now I knew why though, everything was overwhelming it was to much I could handle, I still felt like a stranger in Canada! I just didn't wanna give up, I floated trough our relationship,I  tried to stand up and keep my head above the water, and never give up. But in the end I had too, Saf broke up with me, I saw it comming from miles away, but I didn't wanna admit it. I want to go further and further, I loved this family, I loved the kids. But in the end I had to admit it was way to much for me.

When I came to Canada for the first ten days, Saf bombarded me with love and lots of spoil moments, she treated me like a newborn husband, she had a plan,we had a plan. We both will work it out," she told me, I guess I stayed in these 'love, spoliled, moments, and kept on thinking, "We both will work it out." Yeah, one day, but that day never came, my bad? I guess I got spoiled to long by Saf, it was time for me to stand up and be a man! But it never happend, I became independed.My bad! Learned my lesson! Page closed...

Now being back in  Holland, I feel better then I was four months ago, I went trough hell but I'm here now and feel good and proud! I nearly build up my life again, were not there yet, but oh my, I never thought I would came so far! Do I feel regrets after being in Canada, NO!  I had a good time aswell, a very good time I must say. Being with the two little kids was heaven, doing things for them made me feela super Daddy and that felt good. Parks, walks, bikerides, you name it, Jolly good time! I had fun with Saf, we shared alot of things, laughs, love, karaoke, smiles, and some red bavaria's LOL! Good memories! I will never forget them! I will leave one page open to have a little peek sometimes.

Canada was good for me, I had a really good time and I learned alot, specially life lessons. I can take that with me being here now. I'm okay now and I feel that the happy days are comming, look at me! Work, income, people around me, it's all good!

"Its time for me to experience other things whether that means finding happiness with myself or eventually someone down the line ! right now, I'm just taking it easy."

 And then this...

The Blogger Team 

We are very sorry that users are unable to publish to Blogger right now. We have rolled back the maintenance release from last night and as a result, posts and comments from all users made after 7:37 am PDT on May 11, 2011 have been removed. Again, we apologize that this happened and our engineers are working hard to return Blogger to normal and restore your posts and comments. We will post a report once this work is complete... 

Sigh! Blogger came back late in the evening, But I had to re-write one and a half post cause they were gone.. anyway, good to have you back!

"All I can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!"

"All I can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!"

I had a little thought today, or a moment, or both. Make up your mind!! Okay, I had a moment today, when I thought, "I'm happy, this feels good!" While we had our lunch-break with work, we all joked around with silly talk. We sat outside in the sun and it was nice, everyone had a good time. That made me feel good too, I was happy! It felt really good. Sometimes I have difficulties with admitting when I'm having a happy moment, that I'm happy. Weird right? I think to myself then, "Yeah, okay that was fun, but I'm still not 'that' happy." Sometimes I have the feeling that I got stuck in that sad feeling, If people would or will ask me, "Are you happy?" I will answer, "I'm okay." Even after I had some good news or had a good time. Maybe I need to let go of that 'sad' feeling more often, and enjoy the little things around you. Like that cuppa coffee what'sn standing now right beside my laptop! 

Anyway, back to this day, this Thursday was a nice day.  Early up for work, even though we had to work till 2:30 pm today we did quit alot. Usually we work till 4:30 pm, but today our bosses had school. I made some wooden baby chairs and tables, together with a guy who worked here shortly. My boss told me that I had to explain him what I was doing and how it needs to be done, and then let him do some work too. Oh, I'm so good at that, sigh!  Not! I was working at a baby seat and it was nearly done, only a few lats needed to be sawed and add them to the seat. The new guy was standing there with his hands in his pockets, and waited till I said something, sigh! 

This wasn't really the job where I could use some help, not that I rather worked alone, (I do, but sssshh!) but, what can I offer him to do? I could ask him to hand me the hammer or the screw, but that doesn't work. Eitherway, I had to let him do something, so I explained him that I needed lats from a certain lenght, these lats needed to be found and sawed on the right lenght. I helped him the first time, and it went well. We finnished both one baby seat, this guy wasn't a talker, akward though cause I'm  not a talker either. But I felt I needed to talk with him, lol, I had to cause I had to explain him things. When he was done with helping me he putted his hands in his pockets again. And everytime I asked him something he answered 'yes,' or 'no.' He so reminds me of me in the past. 

We both were working on a set of baby seats and baby tables, we needed 2 sets. While I was working later on a baby love-seat (aaww) I tried to let the new guy try to build on his own a baby chair. And I must say, he did well. Finally I had him at work, so I could work on my own thing. I told him if he had questions he can always ask. Although it was a short day at work it was a nice day with here and there some laughs. After work I was exhausted, I have been busy the last few days, now it was time to relax. I went with Johannus and his Family (just like yesterday) to the free dinner around 4:30 pm. Yesterday we had marcaroni and today we had the same, oh well, it's free. I knew already that after dinner Ricardo wants to come with me for spending time with me, I was prepaired. 

I told him, "Your alowed to come, but only after you showered, and after you put clean clothes on." I told him this in a funny way, and he gave a high five, "That's a deal," he shouted. When he came, I had to send him back cause he was not good listening and he was a bit hyper. Sigh! It went okay, he went upstairs to his Mom and Dad by himself. I asked him that I will bring you upstairs, if your afraid, "Naah," he told me, "Your gonna tell that I wasn't so nice to you," I responded, "Your right, Now get going cutie!!" hehe!

"When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am older I know that it is."

"When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am older I know that it is." 

Oh how the afternoon ended happily! Yeah, I was happy! I will tell you later why. There was a bit of a thunderstorm last night, and it went pretty loud, most residents complained about it, including me. Ah, you know, Dutch people always complain or talk about the weather. It was a nice day with a good tempature, with here and there some sunshine. Roll on Summer, I love you! Today after the coffee break there were no cleaning chores, cause last Monday we did our best with cleaning. Though a few residents were making a beginning with painting an old room, it was really needed. Yesterday Johannus did a piece of the garden, then I thought, "Okay, I want to do something too today, " I cleaned the big windows on the second floor in the kitchen and living room. I was tired afterwards but felt satisfied. 

Ricardo is becomming a tiny bit of a pain, he's so attached to me, it's almost insane, LOL! I told his parents friendly that I need some time for myself too so now and then, they really understood. I don't hate Ricardo, he's a cute, sometimes nice kid. But just that sometimes, aarrgghh, you know. Sometimes he can be naughty and nasty, and just that sometimes I have to hide myself for him, haha! I think when I speak reasonable to him, and tell him that I now need some time for myself, or that I have other things to do now, he will understand. Hopefully. Today he spent some time with me aswell, I thought okay, it's fine. If I can take my nap on time, it's fine with me. But again, just that sometimes.... 

Today I had a appointment with Linda (my counsiler) and an old usurance man, who usuranced me since I have been living on my own, I know him now for more then 7 years. He's a good bussines man and knows how to sell things. I had a few usurances with him, they were the life-usurance, the contents-usurance. and the burial-usurance. These usurances have all been stopped when I went to Canada for good, (Oct. 2009) I didn't need them anymore and I can't use them in Canada. I even signed for it to stop the usurances, but a few months ago I noticed and saw on my bankstatements from the last 3 months, (I asked for these statements 2 months ago, cause I needed them for my income) that these usurances still have been paid untill May 2010. Paula and I wondered why these usurances been going on till that date.

Paula made an appointment with the man where I had these usurances with, and today he came. We would like to know if we still can get some money back, cause I stopped these usurances  almost 2 years ago. That wasn't possible cause they already have been stopped automaticly in May 2010, but there kinda still open to be re-opend (are you still there?) It felt and sounded like a puzzle what he all said. " You need to call the company, I can't do that here for you now," said the usurance man. So, all the usurances has been (kinda) stopped and we needed to know if we still can get some money from these usurances. (policy) We didn't want these usurances to be re-opened or start new ones. Paula called the company to see if we can get some money back, it took a while, but in the end... We got some money back! Yay! It was alot of money! "Your gonna get rich," said Paula, and I did a high five with her. 

I was suprised, and couldn't believe it. It was quit alot of money, woot! I can pay all my guilts now, insert smile here. Within 2 weeks I will get mail from the usurance company with the total amount of money what I will recieve, then I have to fill in a paper what I have to send back. Then within 10 days (the company told me) the amount of money will be standing on my bank account! Woot! I'm happy but, but I keep my fingers crossed, first I need to see the money before I believed it. Then I will dance the hokey pokey! Just before the usurance man came Paula and I had a little talk about 'getting tax' back, I never got really involved with these kinda things and never did bothered with it. "Perhaps you can get some money back, did you know that?" said Paula. I was aware of that, but I thought that it couldn't be much. I found it to much work in the past, and I still feel the same way.

Paula called a guy he knew, and that guy can find out if you get taxes back. This guy searches for people who aren't able to do there own taxes anymore, think of older people or people who are homeless and want to build up there lives again, Humanitas. Paula thought that I could get some money back from 'Gak,' the company who gives me my monthly income. The tax guy told over the phone that he will work on this and see what he can find out if I get tax back, there's a pretty good chance, he told me. Happy days are ahead! This day was a nice day, the residents were nice to each other and made jokes, it was a nice atmosphere. Later in the afternoon there was the free dinner at the church, I went with Johannus and his Family. 

We had marcaroni, it was delicious and I was stuffed, I couldn't eat the whole plate. After the dinner I wanted to relax and have some time for myself, first I went with Johannus to his room and his 2 kids for a little talk. When I wanted to go to my room Ricardo wanted to go with me, and I told him only for a half hour, it was okay with him. I took his arm and I told him, "Hey look at me, only a half hour okay? promise?  He replied with a firm okay! hehe, I felt that I did my duty, and he left after 30 minutes. Good boy!