Saturday, January 8, 2011
"If you realized how powerfull your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought"
"If you realized how powerfull your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought"
It was a long night, I went to bed around 2:30 and the others a bit later. It was all good, cause the kids were in Hamilton. Only Tammy's Daughter was here but okay, she's fine, Mom was there when she needed her. It worries me still to go back to Holland, facing my Dad again, and my Aunt and Uncle. I hope I don't get a speech, with them saying, "See, you should have listen to us, what were you thinking of going to Canada and leave your Dad behind." Sigh!
I need to prepair myself of going back there, and I'm already feeling bad and sad about the break up, and it will be surely tough starting all over again. Where do I even start? Thinking of all that makes me want to stay in Canada, but it slightly feels aswell as a challenge to go back. A challenge to start over and proof people that I can do it. Although it seems impossible, still it's far, far away in my thoughts.
I woke up at 7:30, turned around and slept again, LOL, there was no reason to get up. Around 9:00 I woke up again and then got up. First checking my mail on the computer. There was not much to check, only a few You Tube mails. I made some breakfast quietly cause I didn't wanna wake up the other people, or Tammy's Daughter, I didn't feel like taking care of her now,I'm not in the mood. I took my breakfast upstairs and spend some time on the computer.
I had a bit the same feeling like last night, feeling unwanted, or not a part of the Family. The Family sure moves on, with laughter and there harmony is huge, even huger then it already was. It makes me think. I really got to stop thinking, thinking bad things. I would love to be a part of the Family again, I see a role for my self in this Family. Being a Father and a Husband, and a working man who is sometimes home and sometimes at work, and no more whining for attention towards Saf. Oh how I sometimes wish!
It annoys me to see them like that. It's hard, but I can't blame them, were all moving along, right? Around 10:00 Tammy's daughter knocked on my door and asked for food. I told her that she has to ask her Mother for that, she went to her Mom (who was sleeping) and she came back in 10 seconds. "My Mom said yes,", sigh! "Okay, okay," I thought and took her downstairs and made her breakfast. She watched some TV, and I went in the basement to get my laptop. (one of the girls left it there, as always)
After an hour the little girl went upstairs to get a blanket, after 10 minutes she still wasn't back and I went upstairs to my room for a nap, it was needed, I wasn't in the mood for anything. I woke up by the sound of laughter and loud voices, the girls woke up. This was just NOT my day, so different then a few days ago. I just feel bad, the thoughts are running trough my head, "Saf doesn't want me anymore, she throws me out, the family is complete now without me, I can go, just like that". There are all bad thoughts.
I heard from downstairs, that there going out for a little while. There going to the laundry mat or something, Tammy, Saf and Cleo. Sigh,what a day. Ofcource they going to have fun, and laughter, I'm longing for laughter too. It was time for dinner, and Cleo's friend and I prepaired some pasta and meat. It went okay, you know... having things to do makes you think of other things. I should do that more often, do things, instead of thinking all day.
Saf, Cleo, and Tammy came back with some grocery and lots off other stuff. Sometimes I think, "Where do they do it all from? Did they won a lottery or something?" I shouldn't be mentioning what one of the reason was that Saf broke up with me. But doing it anyway, one thing she told me was, "I can't afford you anymore."Now take a look at the first line of this alinea, it makes me just think. (I'm sorry) I know a big Family needs big grocery and stuff, but why do I have to go? Am I really that expensive? Please let this day end!
I felt a bit better after dinner. It so much better to think positive, but that's an easy saying, right? I just had a bit of a meltdown today, and that's very normal. It was time for Saf's night shift, she looks good, and she is happy she lost some weight, I'm happy for her. She asked me about my Aunt before she went to work, I told her, "No message yet, soon they will message me." I drunk a beer after she went. and went to bed early, I was tired.
It was a long night, I went to bed around 2:30 and the others a bit later. It was all good, cause the kids were in Hamilton. Only Tammy's Daughter was here but okay, she's fine, Mom was there when she needed her. It worries me still to go back to Holland, facing my Dad again, and my Aunt and Uncle. I hope I don't get a speech, with them saying, "See, you should have listen to us, what were you thinking of going to Canada and leave your Dad behind." Sigh!
I need to prepair myself of going back there, and I'm already feeling bad and sad about the break up, and it will be surely tough starting all over again. Where do I even start? Thinking of all that makes me want to stay in Canada, but it slightly feels aswell as a challenge to go back. A challenge to start over and proof people that I can do it. Although it seems impossible, still it's far, far away in my thoughts.
I woke up at 7:30, turned around and slept again, LOL, there was no reason to get up. Around 9:00 I woke up again and then got up. First checking my mail on the computer. There was not much to check, only a few You Tube mails. I made some breakfast quietly cause I didn't wanna wake up the other people, or Tammy's Daughter, I didn't feel like taking care of her now,I'm not in the mood. I took my breakfast upstairs and spend some time on the computer.
I had a bit the same feeling like last night, feeling unwanted, or not a part of the Family. The Family sure moves on, with laughter and there harmony is huge, even huger then it already was. It makes me think. I really got to stop thinking, thinking bad things. I would love to be a part of the Family again, I see a role for my self in this Family. Being a Father and a Husband, and a working man who is sometimes home and sometimes at work, and no more whining for attention towards Saf. Oh how I sometimes wish!
It annoys me to see them like that. It's hard, but I can't blame them, were all moving along, right? Around 10:00 Tammy's daughter knocked on my door and asked for food. I told her that she has to ask her Mother for that, she went to her Mom (who was sleeping) and she came back in 10 seconds. "My Mom said yes,", sigh! "Okay, okay," I thought and took her downstairs and made her breakfast. She watched some TV, and I went in the basement to get my laptop. (one of the girls left it there, as always)
After an hour the little girl went upstairs to get a blanket, after 10 minutes she still wasn't back and I went upstairs to my room for a nap, it was needed, I wasn't in the mood for anything. I woke up by the sound of laughter and loud voices, the girls woke up. This was just NOT my day, so different then a few days ago. I just feel bad, the thoughts are running trough my head, "Saf doesn't want me anymore, she throws me out, the family is complete now without me, I can go, just like that". There are all bad thoughts.
I heard from downstairs, that there going out for a little while. There going to the laundry mat or something, Tammy, Saf and Cleo. Sigh,what a day. Ofcource they going to have fun, and laughter, I'm longing for laughter too. It was time for dinner, and Cleo's friend and I prepaired some pasta and meat. It went okay, you know... having things to do makes you think of other things. I should do that more often, do things, instead of thinking all day.
Saf, Cleo, and Tammy came back with some grocery and lots off other stuff. Sometimes I think, "Where do they do it all from? Did they won a lottery or something?" I shouldn't be mentioning what one of the reason was that Saf broke up with me. But doing it anyway, one thing she told me was, "I can't afford you anymore."Now take a look at the first line of this alinea, it makes me just think. (I'm sorry) I know a big Family needs big grocery and stuff, but why do I have to go? Am I really that expensive? Please let this day end!
I felt a bit better after dinner. It so much better to think positive, but that's an easy saying, right? I just had a bit of a meltdown today, and that's very normal. It was time for Saf's night shift, she looks good, and she is happy she lost some weight, I'm happy for her. She asked me about my Aunt before she went to work, I told her, "No message yet, soon they will message me." I drunk a beer after she went. and went to bed early, I was tired.