Finally got my hifi set settled, a few days ago I went back to the store cause I didnt had a antenne for the radio, the seller gave me on but that one didn't work. The antenne had no abbility to be plugged in, I needed another antenne wire. So I went back and now the seller gave me the right wire, while I'm writing this post I'm listening to the radio, finnally. What song is on? Rod Stewart - Waltzing Mathilda. It's been a okay day, I did a few things, like doing groceries and one load of laundry. My Aunt called too, but I didn't answer, I'm not in the mood for her.She prolly will call back in the evening.
A bit moody today, doing things I like gets me going trough the day. Like I said yesterday, I sent Saf a message to ask for her for her new adres because if I want to sent birthday gifts or cards to the kids I need it.I got a few responses back, she was friendly first but she ended up a bit cranky.... Though she gave me her new adress, that gave a first relief. Saf told me that just birtday cards are enough, just like I suggested. There was a second message...
"...Oh, I should have mentioned....that if you really wanted to send the cards....please don't send for Tasn and Abd, it just confuses them....and Ab doesn't quite remember you anyways. I doubt that Cle would appreciate a card, she never really got along with you, so that leaves just Mar and Noor."
I agreed with her and told her that I will think about the cards or perhaps just Facebook birthday wishes. Although she's in a way right, it's still not nice to read this. It surely gave me a bad and moody feeling. Tasn will get confussed, yes she might, so better not then. Ab is still young, ofcource he forgot then slightly about me, he has seen so many faces on his age. And Cle, yeah, Cle... I wish I could turn back the time and start over with her, to really get a Stepfather/ Daughter relation. I looked up to her, she was shy towards me and I was shy towards her, so we never really had a bond. With the other kids it was different. Sigh!
That leaves just Mar and Noor, yeah, well, for me it's everyone a gift or no one, or just leave it be. I don't want to see sad or dissapointed faces on the kids who didn't get something. So yeah, I decided to just let it be, I was thinking of sending Noor a card, we slightly still talk so now and then on the Facebook chat, just about nothing and everything. In the end I decided to send nothing, the decision gave kinda a akward feeling, cause last year I gave big time, and now nothing? Like Saf said, "They prolly forgot about you," so I just let it be... (Sigh!) Still it's hard to read such a message, it gnawed on me trough the day, I will get over that.
It wakes me up kinda aswell, and I though I was doing so well during my proces, maybe I was just floating and thinking I was doing well. While floating I thought I was doing a nice gesture towards Saf's kids and then this!? I had a third message from her after I told her I will think about sending cards to Mar and Noor...
"...Personally, I think its just confusing. You can email Noora and Maryam if you feel to, and are on their facebook. So really, that's enough. It's awkward for me as well, I'm with a new guy now, and my ex is sending my kids cards? Yeah, I just don't like it.......better you just let go of that. I think that when a relationship is over, its kind of creepy for the ex boyfriend to still be involved. I even find the facebook friends thing still awkward.....but whatever...."
I was short in the response, I already was a bit over Saf's second message, I just continued the day. I thought, 'Yeah, never mind and whatever' aswell. I wrote in my response, 'Same thoughts, and like I said... Never mind." This time I slightly agreed with her, perhaps it is a bit akward, but it's just my way of doing things, it's the way I am, it feels right that I send a gift to a kid where I spend time with. I dislike being enemies and having argues and hisfits. Being friends with Mar and Noor? I don't know, it seems quit normal to me, confussing right? I heard the word 'creepy' often from Saf, that gives me a weird feeling, a confussed feeling aswell. The feeling of, 'Did I do something wrong?'
Maybe I should take a huge step back? Maybe it's time to really close the page and really move on? YES, I should! But didn't I do that already? Saf want's to move on, I understand and understood that already for a long time, I'm NOT standing in her way at all. I'm over her already, there's no future between us, it's impossible. I'm fine with that, I'm happy here, I like my new build up life! Still I'm building it up and I love it! But did I do something wrong that I get such a message from Saf? It makes me think, but not to long though, I know how Saf can be sometimes. I decided to let it be and continue the day, but while I'm writing this post it gnaws again. Sure I sometimes share here and there a few things with Noor and slightly with Mar, just innocent Facebook items.
Commenting so now and then on a status from them, not to much. I'm being myself on Facebook, I enjoy myself and share things. I should let it all go what Saf wrote.... and continue what I do.... Moving on in life with here and there bringing up a few memories from my past in Canada. Aswell I would like to build it slowly off with my Canada past, Saf, the kids, ect, ect, making it less and less untill I'm comfy with it. It's still a process where I'm going trough, I must say it's going better, so much better then last year at this time. I'm actually suprised how I'm doing.
Sure, I like to see sometimes how the kids are doing and what there up too, I think that's quit normal after what I have been trough. It gives me a good feeling to know how there doing, is that akward? I don't know, does it harm them? I don't know either. Again, I think it's normal behaviour after that I spend time with them. I really liked having kids around me, it suprised me I was doing so well as a Stepfather, still I miss that suprising feeling sometimes. Liking to see how Saf's kids are doing will pass, I know that, that goes automaticly, I will loose interest as the years go by. Sounds weird to me, lol, but it will.
Creepy? Thank God I'm not a creep who's stalking someone or bombard's a ex with tons of emails, or molestate a ex, or creates pain, or ect, ect. I'm not like that. Creepy? Creepy is asking your ex for money who you have dumped, knowing that he is building up his live plus there bank account. That's creepy! Oh what am I complaining or arguing about, Saf asked me (I think) to stop sending gifts to her kids, cause she finds it akward and creepy. It's only once a year, but oh well, I will respect that and do just that. I will continue with what I was doing, being myself.
Saf sent me a third email, it was kind of appoligize mail, I liked what she said, she told me that she was proud of me and still considered us as friends, but that she likes for us to move on. See, that's what I dislike, that she sometimes doesn't get me or understand me. You know, I don't dislike or hate Saf, Saf wants me to move on, She wants to hammer that in me I guess, sometimes she doesn't understand me. Or it's hard to make her understand in just words that I am moving on. And that I would like that she moves on aswell, really, I'm happy with what I have and what I'm doing and I'm looking forward what's still for new to come.
