"Good days, bad days."

Good days, bad days."

Funny and akward that sometimes my thoughts drift away and turn into sad thoughts, not so weird though after what I have been trough. My thoughts were drifting away last night and afterwards I felt sad and had that 'missing' feeling again, sometimes these thoughts turn into angry thoughts. I should write them down one day, to see what I can do with them. So yeah, last night it started a bit, 'the thoughts.' I was on Facebook looking trough my old profile, and saw some pictures of Saf, and some of her kids, Saf looks great! When I'm on my old profile I only check some of the statuses of me, Mar and Noor. I can look at these statuses or comments from them and feel no sadness or get missing thoughts, only in the beginning I had them, but now I'm good. But seeing Saf last night hurted and made me think, I thought, "Ah! Just one of the days, tomorrow will go better." But it didn't.

Is the love over between me and Saf? Yeah, and a tiny little bit no, I still care, good memories aswell. The most painfull thought when I think back of the time in Canada is that I failed, failed in our relationship, and failed to be a 'man' and perhaps a Daddy and that hurts. I know SO much better now, but it's to late now. I had the chance to be a good Dad and  a good Husband, with a lovely 'good' looking woman with great kids in a awesome country. All I wanted was to make Saf and her kids happy again, but it was just to much my heart could carry. I love(d) these people so much, everything was new and overwhelming, and more and more added to it. I had to learn alot of things, and I learned alot of things. This morning and last night I felt I'm not in the right place, like I don't belong here. I even thought to imigrate to Canada when I feel better. Not to 'Barrie' though, I don't want Saf to get the wrong idea.

I want her to live her life and be happy with her kids. I might imigrate to Canada or even another country, I feel and think that I'm done in Holland. Or is it just a 'silly' thought or a 'silly' idea? I don't know, I'm just thinking and writing out loud. I had a great time in Canada, being a daddy and a husband was an awesome adventure. and I want a time like that back, why? I guess I don't want to be alone anymore, I want people around me, or better a family around me. I noticed that I don't want to be alone anymore. While I'm writing this I feel better though, better then this morning. I had a nice day at work, and I had a lovely 'free' dinner this evening. Why was the work nice? Cause I had things to do and everything went well while working, I talked with people and that makes my 'sad' thoughts go away. I had a nice dinner aswell, we talked and laughed, and such things make my 'sad' thoughts go away also. 

But are these thoughts really gone? Aren't they comming back? Yeah, they will. Sometimes even harder then the last time I had them, but aswell they will vanish one day or they getting less harder. I guess this day didn't start that happy, but what is happy. What is happiness? Am I happy at the moment? Sometimes I am yes, sometimes I have a happy moment and then I think, "Yes!" But again,what is happiness? What makes you or me Happy? I would say, 'a family around me,' that would make me happy. But would it really make me happy? I don't know, now I think that it would but... Confussing right? Sometimes I get stuck with this question, what is happiness? What makes you or me happy? I'm not happy right now, but I'm not sad or depressed either, I'm okay, I'm good. 

I have goals, I started them five months ago. It's good to have goals, for sure after all this drama. It almost feels like you don't want to quit things, you don't want to give up, cause I have goals. My goal is to have a nice house, a job, and perhaps a family. I would like to travel too and not do the same ol' same ol' again. I'm not gonna sit on my bum being sad or depressed.  These are my goals, these goals will make me happy. But will they? 


I saw this piece of writting on the internet...

"Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run."

"Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself."

Happiness is in all kinda things, in little things. Like I said, I have goals and when I reach these goals I will be happy. But will I? Will I be happy when I'm in Las Vegas with a glass of champagne in my hand?  For the same reason I might have the same 'missing them' thoughts and feel still un-happy. Who knows.

Another piece of writing I saw...  

 Happiness is what you feel when you're NOT feeling.... Self doubt, depressed, hateful, fearful, worried, unsatisfied, bored, grief, shame, guilt, discontent, anxious, annoyed, angry, irritated, stressed, frustrated, upset, down, sad, envious, or jealous.

I guess happiness is in little things around you, you have the prove above. I hope this post isn't to confussing, it's like I'm writing my head empty. I would like to be happy again, but waiting for it is wrong I think. I should be happy now, make myself happy, enjoy of the little things around me. Just like today I finnished a wooden bench and a wooden table for outside, that felt nice and made me happy, just like the dinner I had tasted nice and we had laughs, that felt good and made me happy aswell. Happiness does make the 'missing them' thoughts go away or makes them less. Searching for happiness doesn't work for me, it's to stressy, I wont find it.Happiness overcomes me, and when it does I will enjoy it the fullest. This day started bad and when the days went further and further the badness seemed to be vanished. I'm okay now and feel better. I'm ready for tomorrow.