"We never know the worth of water 'til the well is dry".
Feeling empty and sad, the days are going so fast, soon I will be returning home. Imagining this makes me worried, and sad. I don't like goodbyes, at the moment I don't even want to leave, but I have too. I hope Holland has something good for me in store. Last night at 3:00 am, the Ab woke me up, he screamed and cried for his Mom, I putted some clothing on and went to him. He was in Mom's room, Mom was working. Mar the 13 year old was there aswell, half asleep.
She complained that she couldn't sleep cause of the crying of the 3 year old. She suppose to look after the 3 year old but okay. I decided to take him downstairs to Cleo, cause he wouldn't stop crying. He loves sleeping with Cleo. Everything was good again while I putted him there next to her, then I returned back to bed. I get sometimes nice messages on Facebook, sweet messages with tips and advices. I think I'm gonna write some of them down here in this post....
"You have many friends, but there truly never gone, they will be with you for the rest of your life."
"Some things are just not destined to be forever, and that is hard to accept."
"It is a hard road you are going to be walking along - but remember the positive - how many men never have the joy of hearing kids call them daddy - and if it is meant to be that you live in Canada - then it will all work out."
"The feelings you are having are quite normal - you made many changes in your life and right now I am sure you feel that you have been taken advantage of - I would if it were me - but I am sure that is not the case. Your feelings will continue to roller coaster until you have some time and with that time will come perspective.
"Never lose sight of all that you have gained - you had the opportunity to be be a daddy to some kids who really needed a positive role model. You will forever be in their hearts. And you have had the opportunity to live in 'paradise."
Saf's friend came along to pick up her up for a hospital visit. The friend's grandma is laying in the hospital. Saf's friend asked me about the re-locating message I wrote on Facebook. She commented on my status and was surprised I was going to re-locate. She was confused if I was going home or not. I told her that I was going home and explained a few things about my returning.
It surprised me that she talked about it so open. She talked aswell about her Husband, how 'he' stayed home and watched the kids for years, while she was working. It made me think, cause, was I not the one who stayed home aswell and watched the kids while Saf was working? I thought "Why can't I keep doing that." I know that that's not an option cause there was more going on with us, and Saf has five kids and her friend has two. It just made me think.
The day went on and the day was friendly. Usually I wake up wit a sad and empty feeling, when I wake up in the morning and turn on the light I sometimes say to myself "No, it's not a dream, I'm really going back". The people where I'm going to stay in Holland asked for some information from my side, they asked me if I had 'Hyves', (that's a site like Facebook but then in Dutch.) I said "No, but I can send you some pictures from myself". And so I did.
I went later today for a walk, to the BMO bank to see if I had some money, I had to get out of the house to get some air. Although people are being friendly I just needed some air. It was a long walk and I was tired. The bank didn't gave money. I went on with my walk returning home. Saf was going to McDonald's with the kids when I arrived, and I stayed home and took a shower.
I had a few nice talks with Saf today. One of the talks involved me staying with Saf's friend (That is my plan, before Saf's daughter comes back) Saf didn't like it that much me staying at her friends house. I interrupted her, and said "What I really wish for is, that you take me to the airport instead me taking a taxi from your friends house and the taxi drives me to the airport, that would be a nicer goodbye." Saf agreed.
Saf replied and said "But, I don't want you to delay things, like when it's April and your still here, and you have excuses." I said, "No! that's sure not my plan, I want to go home and I need to go home, right? I can't stay here cause we are over and I'm illegal here." Although I sounded rough the way we talked felt comfy, and the feeling that she helps me out does me good. The evening came and everyone did there thing, I have plans to look trough my clothing and see what can go. My suitcases are full! and some clothing has to go, Goodwill is a good option.
Before going to bed Saf offered me a beer. It was a nice evening with here and there some jokes. I know it's over between Saf and me, and we both need to move on. Keeping in touch and remain friends is my goal.
