"A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded."
Another hot day, I think it's even warmer then yesterday. I love it though, there will be no complaining from my side about this sunny weather. Sunday today, meaning family day, most of our residents are going to there Mom's or Grandmam's. Mother's day today aswell! We never usually celebrated Mother's day in the past, sometimes we gave gifts but when I grew older it faded away. But Mother's day was a special day for my Mother, she could fill it in what ever she wanted or wanted to do. I love you Mom, even in heaven! I will never forget you!
Sunday is also a rest day, I didn't do much. I had a meeting with my counsiler Linda, and we both agreed that things are going well, two months ago we made a certain kinda schedule on a piece of paper, and on that paper we filled in what needed to be achieved in two months. And we achieved it! Hooray for me! Now we filled in a new paper with some new achievements, here are a few: 1) looking for houses, online or anywhere, making a plan what I all needed to live on myself. 2) My care allowance need to be payed back, every month 70 Euro, this will be starting in the end of May. 3) I might have a job this week, but I have to call my project-leader if it's all going trough. The problem is the distance and I would like to know if the work is my kinda thing. I will ask for a meeting.
I'm ready, ready for my future, I suffered enough, I have to let things behind me now, but it's hard. It's hard to let go, sorry for this sad writting again, but I have to get trough this and I will, I'm sure about it. I'm done with suffering. (I know I should stay away from Saf and the kids and do not read all the things they do, and I know I should stop writing about her or her kids) This afternoon I red something again what hurted me, my bad, I should have stayed away from Cle's blog, and I will from today. Cle wrote about that Saf's new lover took much, much more time for her then I did in the last 2 years. Taddle, taddle, I'm so bad, but I just can't let it go! It hurts! It really does!
Appearantly I never had a good conversation with Cle, or got close to her. All this is true yes, but it was not that I didn't love her. I'm not a good communicater, I'm not always good in starting a conversation, I can be shy as a baby. I guess what was going on with Cle and me was that I think we both waited who would take the first step for a conversation, that's the way I see it in my eyes. I should have take the first step as a Stepdad ofcource, and I wish I would have take the first step. Cle prolly waited for me, to take the first step, and I was aware I should take much, much more time with her. She needed a Father, I was aware of that aswell. How many times I wanted just to be with her in difficult times, I just wasn't daring enough to take that step, it just didn't happen, I wonder why. I had good contact with Noor and Mar, why did it work with them?
What made that so easy? I don't know, maybe they weren't afraid to step to me? I don't know. More outgoing? Maybe. I spent time with Noor and with Mar, long walks and talks with Noor and conversations and laughs with Mar, etc,etc. The contact with Ab and Tasn was easy, I spent loads of time with them, taking care of them, feed them, brought them to bed, parks, bike rides. I can knock myself on the head many times and say to myself "Your a fool, cause you didn't take the first step towards Cle. What Cle wrote about me in her blog hurted, but I guess it was my own fault, or not? I don't know and it doesn't matter now.
I don't like to write about, "I should have done this," or "If I would have done that," that doesn't help me right now. It will only hurt me, I need to let it all go now and continue.I can't go back now and explain things to Cle, knowing that, that hurts. I can't heal it cause I'm here now, I wish I could! I have to let it go now, and I will. Otherwise I might get hurt more, that's why it is important to do the 'no contact,' I need to stop completely following them what I already did a bit but now the full 100%. It wont be easy, it feels like it's final now. I don't just want to let go and not let hear from me. Maybe I should just let them be for a while, to see how it goes.
It's going to be alright, I'm sure, I achieved so far and I will achieve this too. Maybe it was just what I needed what happened today. I'm ready for the next step!
P.s. I hope my mutual friends of Facebook stay with me, they helped me alot to get trough this, I did the most by myself but mostly I couldn't have done it without them, love you guys!!
And Cle, I love you too, more then you think!
