Thursday, January 13, 2011
Tired....
Tired....
I'm so tired, it's been such a long weeks. This morning I sent the kids to school and afterwards kept an eye on Ab and Tam's daughter with half closed eyes, I needed a nap. Do I wish it was Sunday? This morning I wished for it yes, just to get it over with, I need rest lots of rest. I'm getting tired, tired of being in this situation, tired of the misunderstandings, I would like to go home without bad feelings. Just with a smile on every one's face, saying, "We all had a great time, but it just didn't work out".
I shouted loud this morning at Ab cause he wasn't listening to what I said, and I said it already ten times, "Don't go into Tam's room." I should have take them downstairs and putted on a video for them or give them a snack. But instead of that I yelled. Ab cried afterwards and Saf got upset, no wonder! I felt bad but it was to late, Saf was upset, and then there is or was no discussion possible. She told me, "That's one thing I sure wont miss", and she walked away. End of story. No time for explanation, I didn't know what to think, ofcource I was wrong! I felt like a loser, and I don't like that feeling. I don't like to have argues, issues, or fights, specially not now just before I go home.
I thought to myself, "What shall I do? go for a walk? Hurt myself, (I sure felt like it) I just couldn't take no more, I had enough, I was full. I shouldn't have yelled at Ab, but it happened. I can be good with kids, that's one thing I know! I want to proof it! I decided to go for a walk, a long walk. I didn't want to stay in the house and feel bad about myself. I walked to the beach and beside the beach is a path, that path leads to Downtown Barrie. It was a long walk but I didn't care, I just walked. "What a day again", I thought. What a difference with yesterday. I wish I could turn back the clock for five hours....
While walking beside the lake I felt like crying. I wish I had a little notebookwith me, to write down my thoughts. They seem so clear, and they make sense. I don't like failing, or making people upset. Do you know that feeling when your trying something and you give it a 100 % but you keep on messing it up? And then you fall hard on your knees, but you get up and try again, and again, and again, without giving up. It is time to go home, I just can't handle a large Family, nine people is perhaps to much for me. I really tried so hard, because I love Saf!! and I love her kids!! That's why I longfor a nice goodbye, cause two and a half year is not nothing!
The walk was good! I bought a few things what I needed, had a coffee and walked to the house again. I took my time while walking, cause there was no rush. I realized the last few months that I'm not myself anymore, there's a huge difference between me two years ago and now. I think it's best to look back at good memories and forget the bad things... I think I mentioned it yesterday, I should write down some good memories. Cause it wasn't only argues and issues... We had fun aswell!
I will post one memory each day. Some funny,silly moments from the last 2 and a half year. Ready? I am!
I'm so tired, it's been such a long weeks. This morning I sent the kids to school and afterwards kept an eye on Ab and Tam's daughter with half closed eyes, I needed a nap. Do I wish it was Sunday? This morning I wished for it yes, just to get it over with, I need rest lots of rest. I'm getting tired, tired of being in this situation, tired of the misunderstandings, I would like to go home without bad feelings. Just with a smile on every one's face, saying, "We all had a great time, but it just didn't work out".
I shouted loud this morning at Ab cause he wasn't listening to what I said, and I said it already ten times, "Don't go into Tam's room." I should have take them downstairs and putted on a video for them or give them a snack. But instead of that I yelled. Ab cried afterwards and Saf got upset, no wonder! I felt bad but it was to late, Saf was upset, and then there is or was no discussion possible. She told me, "That's one thing I sure wont miss", and she walked away. End of story. No time for explanation, I didn't know what to think, ofcource I was wrong! I felt like a loser, and I don't like that feeling. I don't like to have argues, issues, or fights, specially not now just before I go home.
I thought to myself, "What shall I do? go for a walk? Hurt myself, (I sure felt like it) I just couldn't take no more, I had enough, I was full. I shouldn't have yelled at Ab, but it happened. I can be good with kids, that's one thing I know! I want to proof it! I decided to go for a walk, a long walk. I didn't want to stay in the house and feel bad about myself. I walked to the beach and beside the beach is a path, that path leads to Downtown Barrie. It was a long walk but I didn't care, I just walked. "What a day again", I thought. What a difference with yesterday. I wish I could turn back the clock for five hours....
While walking beside the lake I felt like crying. I wish I had a little notebookwith me, to write down my thoughts. They seem so clear, and they make sense. I don't like failing, or making people upset. Do you know that feeling when your trying something and you give it a 100 % but you keep on messing it up? And then you fall hard on your knees, but you get up and try again, and again, and again, without giving up. It is time to go home, I just can't handle a large Family, nine people is perhaps to much for me. I really tried so hard, because I love Saf!! and I love her kids!! That's why I longfor a nice goodbye, cause two and a half year is not nothing!
The walk was good! I bought a few things what I needed, had a coffee and walked to the house again. I took my time while walking, cause there was no rush. I realized the last few months that I'm not myself anymore, there's a huge difference between me two years ago and now. I think it's best to look back at good memories and forget the bad things... I think I mentioned it yesterday, I should write down some good memories. Cause it wasn't only argues and issues... We had fun aswell!
I will post one memory each day. Some funny,silly moments from the last 2 and a half year. Ready? I am!
The Matras.
There was that time when we moved to Barrie, that was a long day with lots of work. There was a matres that had to be taken downstairs. Piece of cake, but to many people were helping out.The matres was half way and Saf got stuck between the matres and the wall. She couldn't go left or right, and I was standing there with Cle and Dako upstairs. Saf tried to turn on one leg and make a half pirouette, LOL!
She almost did it and she wanted to walk over the matres upstairs. The matres started to slide downstairs and there went Saf. Her legs were going 90 degrees, a split!! She made a split! We all started laughing including Saf! Were all shout it out loud, You made a split". Then I yelled I didn't know you could do that"! We all burst out in laughing, hilarious!