Wednesday, will it ever stop snowing?
Yesterday in the late afternoon I shoveled the whole driveway, and it was tough and cold! Why did I do it then? I don't know, maybe to loose some anger. (It helps) Or maybe I'm just stupid. Like I said yesterday, I need to be positive and take it easy and just be friendly and jolly, just for myself and for the others! When someone is talking to me online or sent me a mails about our break up, I respond and I get mad again, "How on earth can she throw me on the street like that" I gave my whole house up for her, gave my whole life"!! Thinking of it makes me mad. Doing things and clearing my head makes me move on again.
Saf woke up and asked me to come with her to Canadian Tire. I said "Okay", so of we went to Canadian Tire, Saf, me and Ab. Saf was friendly, and layed back. I was a bit quiet and responded short on her questions. Maybe because I wanted her to feel pity for me, I know it's not right. A few hours before we went to Canadian Tire a friend talked to me on Facebook .She told me, "Maybe she wants you to be more independent and wants you to take more care of yourself". It made me feel bad, cause I know she's right. Ofcource I do alot in the house but if it came to get a job I failed. Well I tried, but if I had to take the next step I get nervous. I needed Saf's opinion and a kick in da butt to help me on my way.
The flyer-delivery job (I found me a flyer-delivery job online) I did myself, I found the job online and responded on it. The job though had to be on Saf's name cause I wasn't a Canadian citizen yet. At Canadian Tire I felt like a fool. I was still thinking of the 'be more independent and take care of yourself thing' that a friend told me this morning.
I was quiet, and felt a bit sad aswell. I thought "Here we are in a shop, me, Saf and the 3 year old, like it used to be, cozy and comfy. It will never be the same again, I felt like a loser, I need and needed to grow up! On our way back to the house she asked me if I heard something back from my Aunt.
I said no. We talked a bit further, I was in need for a talk, to clear my head. I didn't ask for a third chance, but I asked "What will happen if I get a job here in Barrie"? "What do you mean?" Saf answered. I stumbled and mumbled with my talking. "I want to be more independent and take more care of myself,"I said. "Our relationship is over Sjon" I want you to move on and I want myself to move on," Saf replied. I went quiet and told her "I really hope you realize what I'm doing, I will have to start all over and I haven't got a place to stay, cause I gave up everything for you". She didn't respond.
Just before we got out of the car I asked her to help me out with the moving to Holland. "I will help you out, the heavy stuff will be shipped over to your place","Don't worry" she said. I thanked her. I realized that it's really over between us. And I realized that with my behaviour (feeling mad, grumpy and sad) I won't achieve anything, I need to be positive, and have a good time the last weeks I'm here. She's nice to me so why can't I be nice to her, right?
I really gonna miss this Family!
