Just another manic Monday...

Just another manic Monday.

Today it feels like I'm slowly getting used to the situation. I still have a bit the anger feelings towards Saf though, it feels unfair and I hope she realize what she puts me trough. I think my head is gonnna explode one day, cause of my silly thoughts and my silly moods. I looked on some Canadian Immigration Forum sites and my plan doesn't look so bright. My plan (B) is in doubts, I would like to stay in Canada and I try everything to make that possible. Just to see what my options are, here is what I wrote on that forum...

I have a question cause I'm kinda lost!

Me and my girl broke up after a two and a half year relationship. I came from Holland and she lived already in Canada. we both had a solid plan. We became Family and we had both the plan to sponsor me  for Canadian Citizenship. last year we became engaged and everything went well.

My first visit to Canada was for ten days. Then I returned back to Holland, two weeks later I returned for six months back to Canada to actually live with her. after the six months I returned back to Holland for four weeks, to sell my house and my personal belongings. She came to Holland to help me out. And together we returned back to Canada for good. We are now living in Barrie.

I knew I could stay again for six months, but the six months were over and we were both waiting to work on the sponsorship. But my girl had no full time job, cause of the many circumstances,  we ended the relationship and I need a place to stay. A friend of mine offered me a place in Mississauga.

Going back to Holland is almost no option! I would like to go to Mississauga, my question is, what are the chances of becoming a Canadian Citizen and live there for a long time? I need someone that sponsors me for Canadian Citizenship, any solutions?

And here are some  answers...

1. forget the Citizenship, first you have to become a permanent resident.
 
2. Unless you qualify under either FSW1 having had experience in one of the qualifying occupations in the past 10 years.
 
3. If you were able to find an employer who was willing to get a Labour Market Opinion approved from HRSDC that there were no Canadians/PRs available for the job , you then could apply for a work permit, allowing you to work temporarily in Canada.
 
4. Other than applying for a working holiday visa from the Netherlands if you are between the ages of 18 and 30 which would allow you to work in Canada for a year, then you will probably have to return to the Netherlands.
 
5. From your post, have you overstayed the 6 months that you were admitted for? If so, you have a larger problem.

That sounds okay, sigh, but I'm not that happy with number five! Cause I did overstayed the six months 'big time'!

Here is another answer...

You must apply as a skilled worker from outside Canada or find a job offer and get a work permit (very hard to do and still must be done from outside Canada)

No such thing as sponsor for Canadian Citizen ship outside of family class.

Going back to Holland may not be an option for you, but staying in Canada under your current status is not an option either.

I'm really getting worried and I hope I get more solutions. My first option is to stay in Canada if it's possible. Although I reconsidered my second option to go back to Holland my home country. But first I will pull all registers open for a staying in Canada! Am I going insane?

Like I said, today was a better day and I'm getting slowly used to situation. I do my daily stuff and help out where I can. It makes me feel a bit more wanted and it get my mind of things. I had one moment that I felt down and upset. Mostly I have that feeling when Saf starts to act like nothing has happened, and makes jokes and laughs. (What else can she do) After my 'down' moment I asked her for a little talk, and told her how I felt and asked how she is doing. I was in need for a talk to her, it's hard when your in a situation like this and you have no one to talk to. 

She talked normal and I complained a bit over how I felt, I stumbled with my talking, cause I was nerves being with her. I told her how easy it is if I think of it now, just being with the family and have a nice time without complaining as I do now. I told her that she was right in the talks we had in the past, Yes, I needed  for sure to get out of the house more and make new friends, and yes, I was to much focused on our 'us' moment, I realized that  many times but I failed in keeping that thought. Her responses were wise and short.

After the talk she asked me if I already had a plan for coming January. (Cause that's when I'm going to Mississauga to stay with a friend from Saf or perhaps Holland) I answered "I have no plan, but I'm working on it". She said "okay," and she left the room. I knew and realized then that it's over for real! I got to stop thinking of getting another chance with Saf, cause  I was thinking that aswell. I went to bed early.

Sunday...

Sunday...

Most of us were sleeping out, only Tam and her three year old daughter were up. Kids always wake up first (after me! LOL!) I  decide to get up aswell, I felt lonely and empty inside. Saf was still  sleeping. After my breakfast I went upstairs cause I didn't felt good, I felt a heavy pressure on my chest, crying moments, and suicide thoughts were getting stronger. (I recently sometimes have such moments) Thinking about it is not healthy I know, I got to stop thinking! It would be easy though after it, like a relief. Nothing to worry about anymore! I feel and think the Family is against me, is this the right feeling!?It seems the only thing I do is negative thinking the last few days.

I asked my Dad for some money cause of my BMO/ING problems, I did that a few times when I was really short, and it's never easy to ask a parent for money. The last time was horrible to ask, I rather never ask, but I just needed the money. December is a expensive month and last November I gave a big present to one of the daughters, cause it was her Birthday. November wasn't easy to get money out of BMO, it gave only a few 100 Dollar! I knew December was coming and it wouldn't be easy with a small amount of money. I needed money from Dad! My Dad is 70 and is not able to do his banking anymore, my Uncle offered to do that for him. My Dad accepted that, and now I had to ask if my Uncle could ask my Dad if he could send some money.

My Dad got mad this morning when I asked him for money, and I still don't know why! My Aunt was telling me in a mail, "You weren't so nice to him in a few  mails." I didn't understand it, cause I was nice as always to him in my mails. My Dad was telling me "If you really need the money then come and get it." Finally late in the evening the mail  came where I was waiting for so long. She told me, "Your Dad sent the money and I will hear from you when you come back, Dad will be very happy when you come back"! I got mad cause it was the fourth day after my break up and I didn't feel well! How could my Dad say that he will be happy to see me again? I thanked my Dad for the money in the mail back, and I replied aswell with telling my Aunt, "I will fight for Saf and I won't come back before I actually fought for her, he should feel sorry for what I'm going trough and returning to Holland is very hard on me now." I was so fragile at that point!

How could he say that he will be happy to see me again? My Aunt answered back telling me, "If this is your decision then our decision is that your not welcome in our house"! "We are sick and tired of your lies." (But, I NEVER  lied!!) I didn't answered back but e-mailed a few friends, telling them what happened and maybe they have a solution or a place for me to stay. One friend mailed back and told me, "You knew that this would happen!" (No, I never did) "Your Aunt called us" and she told me that you lied" (WOT!)  "You can't stay here, cause we have our own problems"!! "That's what friends are for", I thought! My Aunt is feeling upset about what I said to her, and now she called my friends to tell them "Don't let Sjon in your house". 

It makes me sad but I know aswell that, that's my Aunt! I told Saf the story aswell and she didn't understand my Aunt either. Sometimes no one does! It was a hard day, I felt down (and not only because of my Dad and Aunt) I thought I have to go out and do something! Perhaps some shopping.... again. I took the bus, after I shoveled the driveway. When I was waiting for the bus (the bus-stop is near our house) Cle (the 18 year old) came outside, and I knew that Saf would come  too! They were planning to go to Hamilton to pick up the kids from there Father's I heard later. Saf came outside, standing at the bus stop and seeing Saf 10 meters from me felt awkward and I wanted to cry! I felt like a stranger towards her, just a guy.. standing there...waiting for the bus. Just someone, someone who doesn't know Saf and her daughter.

It felt like such a huge distance! I didn't feel like going out anymore, the bus took forever aswell. I  walked towards Cle and Saf and Saf said when I passed her, "Yeah, you gotta love the Sunday busses." I answered silently "Yeah, I'm going inside,"She was quiet. I was not really in the mood to go out, later on I took the next bus! Silly me! It felt okay to go out, but on my own felt different then yesterday with Mar. I went to Goodwill but didn't stay long, it brought to many memories. I did my shopping and bought some nice last Christmas gifts. I bought also dinner for my self and headed back home. When I arrived Saf wasn't back yet, sigh! It's more then a two hours drive to Hamilton, so they would take a while. I brought my shopping stuff upstairs, went on the computer for a while and went  down stairs again. 

I did some dishes and got some stuff ready for the two youngest ones when they come back. (Pyjama's to sleep in, and clothes and food for tomorrow's school) I washed some of Saf's working clothes cause it was already late (She works at 10 and it was already  8) Why on earth do I do all this stuff?  One moment you think of killing yourself cause you feel down and then you do these things to help out!  Saf came back and it was late, the kids were very tired. They went right away upstairs and I tried to help out with putting them to sleep. Ab (the three year old) was easy, I putted him in pyjama's and he slept right away. The seven year old did not sleep until after one, she cried and was a bit grumpy. I took her for the night, otherwise she wouldn't sleep.  Saf was at work. Everything was fine later on. 

This day was okay....

This day was okay....

The two youngest kids are going to there Father's in Hamilton. He will pick them up around 10:00 am. I made some things ready for them, the clothing were packed and the snowsuits and boots were ready to wear. I promised I wake up Saf around 9:30 am (She had a nightshift and was sleeping) Everything was ready, but the kids Father  could call and then it's better for Saf to answer the phone. The Father arrived on time and drove off with the two kids. Saf had planned to go out today with Cle (the 18 year old) and the rest of the girls in the house, only Mar, (the 13 year old) stayed at home. Yesterday I promised her to go out Christmas shopping with me on Sunday. But I thought "Why not now? I could use some time out".

So, I asked Mar to go today instead of Sunday. "Sure" she answered! and off we went! We took the bus, and while we were in the bus my mood wasn't feeling so good, it felt just like yesterday in the car with Saf, crying moods and lots of thinking. The bus drive was long and the thoughts were running trough my head, bad and sad thoughts, nothing positive. But the bus drive was good for me. Finally we arrived at Georgian mall, there was alot of snow. We began our shopping, but first to the bank, (BMO), I hope there was some money to take out for me...... And there was, pffeeww!


It was good to go shopping, it kept my mind of things, and it felt good to buy things for the family. I had a list with all the names who I'm gonna buy gifts for. Just before we headed back I bought dinner for Mar and myself and then we headed home. As closer the bus came to our house, the heavier my sad mood felt again. Little crying moments followed. When we arrived Saf was not home, I felt a little bit of disappointment, I don't know why. The other girls were home and I asked them where Saf was. She was with Tam (the other Mother) to Goodwill. Later on when they were back Tam told me,that they needed a little break from all the teenagers who were with us when we were all out, "We wanted a 'mothers' out." It reminded me of the time I asked Saf out sometimes, just a 'you and me' moment. She mostly refused.I should  stop thinking these thoughts!

Me and Mar were hiding our Christmas presents and after we were done I did some cleaning. A little later Saf came home and I was upstairs, later on I went downstairs, I felt okay, I had some conversations on  Facebook chat and that felt good. I saw a huge dirty dish on the kitchen counter and I thought "Okay, maybe later". And so later I did the dishes and some cleaning up, Saf was sleeping cause of her nightshift later on tonight.

After the dishes I went upstairs to have a little lay down on the bed. Saf woke up and I called her in her bedroom, I wanted to pay her the money I still ow her. We talked shortly but it felt different, it felt like a friends talk. I thought it's not a good idea to talk about our 'relation' or our 'break up' when we are together. I mean not now, I rather go upstairs then or have a lay down just to calm down or think,  just by myself.

Saf went to work and I felt good, damn mood swings! The next moment your laying on bed feeling dead and lonely and the next moment you feel good! And then you think to yourself "I wish I could always feel like this, this feels good and easy, positive thinking. Maybe it was because Saf was of to work and I didn't feel the pressure of us  being together in this situation. Maybe it wasn't that a good idea to stay here. But yeah, where could I stay or go then? Being here is hard but in a way it does me good aswell, saying goodbye bit by bit and get slowly used to the idea of leaving. 

The day after...

The day after...

I felt weird and unwanted. Saf acted like nothing has happened and she talked with everyone, Ofcource, what else could she do. I was sitting in my room behind my computer, thinking, what can I do? I felt lost! Shall I put on a fake smile and go downstairs and pretend like nothing has happened? I sure did not had the strenght for that. In the house there's always something to do and there's always someone to talk to. Maybe it's good for me to go downstairs and do something, it's better then sitting upstairs and do nothing. It might keep me busy and keep my  mind of the situation. Ugh!

So now and then I went downstairs, but it was hard to see Saf and hear her talking. Mostly I was upstairs laying on the bed and thought about things, or I was on the computer reading emails or I was on Facebook. It keeps my mind of things.We found a cat a few weeks ago. We took him in the house, but it wasn't a success. He's a scratcher and was fighting with our other 3 cats. Today was the day we decided to take him to the vet, cause we couldn't hold him in our house and put him outside with this cold snowy weather was out of the question!

Saf asked me to come with her to the vet, I said "Yes." I had to go to BMO anyway, cause I owed her still some money. It's been a while since I was with her in the car, it felt weird. Saf talked normal, but there were also silences, mostly from my side. When we arrived at the vet we stood there waiting and I was thinking to myself,  "I want her back, I miss the moments like this, just you and me"! We stayed at the vet for 30 minutes and I felt like crying, I felt pressure on my chest, and not because of the cat or the little kitties there. I needed a cry!

On the way back I apologized for being quiet, "That's okay" she said. Then I burst out in tears and she held my hand. "It's so hard" I stumbled. She was quiet. I talked to her and said "It's so hard to go back to Holland, I'm gonna miss you, I just don't know where to start". "I know," she answered. Then I told her "let's just see what happens these coming 2 weeks" (I asked her yesterday, if I could stay for the Christmas and New Years. She said, "ofcource") Then Saf asked "What do you mean with let's see what happens." I was quiet and let her guess. She answered "Sjon, you can't stay forever, I want you to move on" "I want to be single." A silence followed, I felt upset and disappointed. I knew I shouldn't have told or asked her that!

I went upstairs again after our drive. It was time for dinner but I wasn't hungry. Sometimes I have my good moments and after dinner I actually did a few things, cleaned a bit up and red a amazing thread on a forum! 


Here it is:

It is not attractive to have someone begging you to come back to them. Imagine if you met someone at a party for the first time, and they were really sad and saying "Please go out with me" - not attractive at all.

Most men fail to realise that their relationship has ended. They still behave as if they are a couple when their girlfriend has split up with them. This is usually because it is a "surprise". What you need to realise is that your girlfriend has been thinking about this for AGES. She hasn't suddenly broken up with you, she has thought about it in private, and probably done a lot of crying and emotional stuff behind your back. Whatever the situation - your relationship has changed completely - so don't act like nothing is wrong.

POINT 1: YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
 
Once you have realised this - you can start to behave like yourself again. Go to the gym, do something new, get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Sure it hurts sometimes, and you can cry in your bedroom until your eyes look like footballs, but to the outside world you need to be strong and in control. If a woman walks away, and sees you crumble, she'll walk away for good. Be strong. Start to realise that you are a GREAT CATCH. She would be damned lucky to have you. Stand tall. Be independent.

POINT 2: TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM YOUR EX FOR A WHILE, HANGING OUT AS "FRIENDS" MERELY CONFUSES YOU AND PROLONGS THE PAIN.
 
If a relationship is supposed to work out, it will. If you were made for each other, a few months apart will not kill your love. However, a few months apart will kill HABIT. If you think about her all the time, go to places hoping to see her, send her texts and emails and letters, then you are not allowing your mind to move on. The sooner that you get over the emotion of it all, the sooner you can move on or get back together. You can't get back together successfully while you have a bleeding heart. Take some time out - heal yourself.

POINT 3: IF YOU HAVE TO SEE YOUR EX BECAUSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
 
Don't call her, and when you do talk, don't talk about how you broke up and miss her. If she steers the conversation onto that topic, say "Well, I tried to save it, but I guess it's too late now. Did you see ER last night? . .blah". Let her do the calling and running. Always let her know that you are glad she called. and that it was nice to speak to her, but don't pursue.

POINT 4: WHAT DO YOU WANT ?
 
Do you want her back? Or do you want what she used to be back. Remember that she will never be the sweet girl that you first met. She will always be the girls that dumped you (and did whatever else). Long term, can you live with this? Will you trust her again? If she comes home at 3am will you be worried? Remember that there are plenty more fish in the sea, and you can be just as happy with another person (who will not have all the baggage of the breakup).

You need to move on and can survive without her. When she tells you that "You never call and obviously don't care" - tell her that you do care, but need to get on with life and find someone who loves you and is prepared to stand by you.

DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, chase her. You will never get her back! Be strong and you might get her back. If you do the things that I have said two things may happen:

1) You become a much stronger person, more attractive to your EX, and you get back together. But realise that you have to stay as this "stronger person" to keep her interested. If you go back to being the way you were she may well leave again.

2) She doesn't come back, but your head is in a better place and you are not so sad anymore. You'll meet someone else. Be yourself, and see if it works out. Find someone who loves you for who you are.

This tread made me feel better! 

It was time for Saf's nightshift. She just woke up out of her nap and I took care of the kids. It felt good to help out, just doing things! But yeah, like the tread said, "Try to avoid her and act cool"  that wasn't so easy with so many people in one house. I was short in my sentences, but nice towards her when she asked something or talked to me.  She thanked me a few times for doing  things in the house.

It was bed time. Saf is working a shift and I'm alone in bed, perhaps Nemo the 7 year old daughter will sneak in my room to sleep with me, like she always does, cause she mostly gets scared in the middle of the night....


I will miss this little girl when I'm gone...