"One more time and then I'm REALLY closing the page."
To be honest, I shouldn't even be friends with Mar and Noor, itt's not good for me and it slows down my proces, I should stop with the contact that's the best for moving on, it's better for my healing. The 'no contact' what I did in the beginning after the break up helped me alot, I deleted the whole Family, just to heal myself, and it really helped! Though after four months I added Noor and Mar back, why? I was feeling better, and felt that I could handle it, and I was right. Yesterday with Saf's engagement I felt a bit down, but today I was doing much better. What can I do about it? I don't even want too! My feelings for Saf are left behind in Canada, December 2010. Today I saw a comment from Mar somewhere, she announced that she's very happy with her new Stephdad, she's happy with her new Family. Mar wrote aswell about the man who her Mom dated before the old Stephdad, me.
"Mother was with a man who had no children and nothing in common with mother, not to mention hatred from me. It was so horrible that deep down I wished he would leave. and never come back. Well believe it or not, he left. And is never coming back." I know that Mar is still young and prolly doesn't understood the break up, but this felt bad towards me. I stood 24 hours a day ready for them, giving everyday a 100%, I tried and tried and tried. I know I sometimes failed in being a Stephdad or Husband. No I wasn't a Father before, and no I wasn't a Husband before, but hey, in my eyes I did a hell of a job! By the way, I came from Holland and had nothing in Canada, no passport, no work, no usurance, no licince, it would have been a bit eassier if I had that aswell, right? I said it before, the 'failing' feels heavy on my chest. And THAT'S all what's still hurting so now and then. That's all!
Just like I just said, "I shouldn't even follow 'them' anymore," I was thinking this already a few months ago. I'm going to close the book, 'Canada,' slowly. I'm just done with Saf and her Family now, not that I'm angry with them, but just that I want to continue further, just like 'they 'do in there lifes. I'm doing well, I'm moving on, achieved many things and accomplished many things. I would like to continue that, I can't keep talking about Saf and her kids or write about them all my life. I will get over Mar's comment, it's just another hill I have to get over, and I will. I de-activated my old Facebook profile, 'Sjon Veldhuis.' I had Mar and Noor as friends on that account, though I still have Noor on my other account, I'm not sure. So yeah, I'm done, I'm closing the book, 'Canada,' it was a good book. It was fun, learned alot, here and there hectic and dramatic, with a few tears.
But lots of laughs and love aswell, I'm closing the book, but wont throw it away. I will keep the book as good memory in my closet. Maybe, just maybe I will have a peek one day in that book again. But that will be far, far, far away.
