"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

A thundercloud and rain in the morning and in the late afternoon sun and slightly a clear sky, those were my moods today. Sorry, to complain again, I wish myself it was easier too.  I wish my thoughts would have a 'mute' button sometimes, so I can switch it off whenever I think of Saf or my life in Canada. This morning it was that time again, I just looked around in my room and I thought, "This room looks like a cell in a prison, I had it better in Canada," then the whole thinking proces starts...

Thinking up loud...

I know Saf and I both have gone seperad ways but, is it fair to think it's 'unfair' that she is living with her new lover in her bungalow having fun living her life and feel all jolly in Canada? And I'm here back in Holland, trying to build up my entire life, laying at the moment on a cheap bed in a small room in a building for homeless people.

Is it fair, to think it's 'unfair' that her new lover is prolly having fun with her kids? Specially the two youngest kids, I took care of them for a long time, I washed them, feeded them, put them to bed or put them for a nap, took them out for a walk, a bikeride, or to the park. It's so hard to imagining them being with her new lover and 'he' does all that. Just thinking up loud.

Is it fair, to think it's 'unfair' that they all back there in Canada having fun and live there lives normaly? And I'm not.

I know I shouldn't all think these thoughts, perhaps there not even that happy as I assume but this morning it flashed trough my mind. I know I need to let her live her life and I have to live MY life and move on. But just so now and then aarrgghhh! IT'S FEELS UNFAIR! Sorry, I needed this to get of my chest. I know there's no such thing as fair or unfair, Saf has her life and I have mine. I think it's a part of losing anything, being a little p!ssed off, especially if you have lost someone, I should feel like it's unfair. I will keepmy head high
.

On with the day! After a little nap I washed my face, washed my hair and shaved my face, putted my shoes on and  went off to do my duties off today. I needed to buy a gift for 'someone,' cause I bought the 'othern ones' to a gift for there birthdays, it was fun to do. Shopping on Saturday is hell though sometimes, I was at a toy store and it seemed that every kid of the city was there. Throwing with balls and screaming, but okay, that are kids. I picked the toys and payed them, I was satisfied.

On to the grocery store and the post-office. At the post-office I bought a card, it was hard to find a card with a english text in a Dutch store, but I succeeded! I bought the stuff I needed in the grocery store and went home, well home, to my room I meant. I felt a bit better, better then this morning. funny though that thoughts can sometimes change, then you think bad about something and then you think it's okay, but the situation is the same. I should stop thinking, but that's easier said then done. 


I had a nice little chat with someone on Facebook, she gave me a few tips. Sigh! I should chat more with my friends online, I just don't know what to say all the time, lol! Here are the tips 'she' gave me...

"One day I decided that every single time I felt sad and sick, I would talk myself out of it.
I would sit up and say OUT LOUD, NO! I am NOT going to let this get me, I am NOT going to keep doing this to myself. And the biggest thing? I told myself, she is not there crying and sad so why am I? Everytime the sinking feeling would come I would do just that anything.

"NO, I AM NOT GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS!" And I would immediatlely get up and do something else, tell yourself I am crying, but she is not. I will live too. When you feel this loneliness, get out of your room and go out into the streets, do some window shopping. Buy yourself a coffee or an ice cream do something you like that makes you feel good.

Sounds good right? Although, the 'out loud saying' I don't know, I think I will wispher it or shout it out loud in my head. Cause they might think I'm going nuts, lol. Thanks for the tips J. your a gem!