"Unexpected butterflies."

"Unexpected butterflies."

Just before I started to write this post, I have been laying on the bed staring at the ceiling for more then 30 minutes. I think I told already this but, recently there is living a woman here together with his daughter. At first sight she looked like she wasn't my type, she has tattoo's, she smokes and she's hectic and talks alot. The oppisite of me? Hmm, at first sight? yes! The days went on and the woman and I and a few other residents are getting  along well, one resident already told me that her and I should get together. Now 'that' resident is trying to connect us for already two days. And when that resident started, more residents started trying  to connect aswell. It was all good and nice, but I just didn't know, was I ready for a realationship? I have thought about it, and a new realtionship I really didn't expect so soon. I surely didn't expect her and that things went so fast, there was a chance for a relationship. I went to her room last night cause she re-furnitured it with all nice stuff, I went to her for a look, we had a really nice chat and we both felt comfy.

A little bit about her. She's 34 and her name is Ina, she broke up recently cause her ex was violent. Her past is hectic, she's been trough alot and she's a city girl. Ina has two kids from her last marriage. There are a few guys recently chasing her, but Ina has doubts about those guys. While we talked last night we talked about each other lives and our past, and we found out that we have more then a few things in common. It was a nice sit with her last night, but the 'love' wasn't there (yet), or was it? I don't know, yes and no. Anxious? Hmm, akward feeling? hmm, yes. She told me that the first time she saw me she liked me, and I'm started to like her recently, but kept a bit my distance. I'm not ready for a realtionship yet. To afraid to fall deeply in love cause I'm fragile at the moment. I'm to afraid to get dumped aswell. I'm confussed right at the moment and feel akward. As this day started it seemed everyone knew about the 'connecting' part between me and Ina, and nothing happend yet. 

At work a few residents came towards me and joked around about Ina and me, when is the wedding? Where is the wedding?  Just foolling around with me, I just followed them with aswell joking around. Nothing serious, but just a little tiny bit excited right? Yes, I was. But I kept my thoughts with me, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, I'm afraid to fall in love and afraid to get dumped afterwards, I don't wanna fall in that hole of pain again. It's a normal reaction right? After work I went to my room, some of the residents asked me I  would join them with dinner, they offered me food. I told them that that was okay, but I needed a shower first. That was alright. After my shower another resident came towards me, and told me that Ina wanted to make dinner for me. Later I found out that 'that'resident has been talking to Ina, and that she should make some dinner for me, so that 'we' could sit with each other and have a nice time. Well alright,we thought.


Me and Ina cooked our meal downstairs were it was quiet. She wasn't looking so happy, she told me she had a afwull day, there were some silinces too and I felt akward. What to do to cheer her up? Right? "Damn guys trying to connect us," she laughed. "I don't like the pushing," she told me, "Me neither, but let's just have fun and be friends and let the guys talk,"I said. Then Ina told me she misses her daughter, and she started to cry, ugh! I broke too, and I hugged her and kissed her on her forehead, I told her that it's gonna be alright and that she will be back soon. We talked a bit about her daughter and I told her that when she comes back you can plan a nice day out with her. Her daughter is on summer-camp for a week. The dinner was done and we went upstairs for a little while for a drink. (sounds almost like a date, lol) 


We went to her room, and again it was comfy, after a while we were holding hands and kissed a bit. Nothing serious yet, but it started. It felt good, but I was carefull. Way to carefull for her, we talked alot about how men and women should be in relationships. She told me a few times that she likes that the guy takes the first step if it comes to love or a realtionship, I got the message, but still... 'carefull.' I guess you know it by now why. I just ended a relationship and I feel a bit frighten to take the first step, afraid to fall in love. We ended up sitting on the bed and started to talk and layed in each other arms, "Do you like this like we sit here?" asked Ina, I told her "Yes", I needed this. Then I cried. I guessed I surely missed this feeling and the attention. We held each other tight and then she kissed me, I kissed her too. Our lips found each other and after kissing each other for a few minutes, I stopped her. 

I had doubts, I don't know what came over me. I double thoughts, I was afraid, but I liked it too. Again my afraidness took over, she cried and I felt so bad, I hugged her and told her, "Sorry," I tried to explain her why I stopped, I was confussed and had troubles in explaining it to her. I didn't even know why she cried, it was clear for me that it was my fault. After a while the crying was over, and we started to talk again, but oh, I felt so akward and such a loser. What was going on here? While we talked I told her a few times that I'm not ready yet, and that I just came out of a relationship, I'm afraid and carefull. "You are to carefull," she told me, she  made a few advances, she told me, but I didn't took the first step. Like I said, I'm carefull and took it easy, not just like 'beng'here we go. Ina is so different then me. She's  is a flip out in a good way, she's loose and very open. She's nice though and with a good heart, maybe it could have worked out if I took the kiss and went on. I just don't know.


Should I feel like a loser? Or was this moment just a moment that should have been like this? Sometimes things happen for a reason, I just don't know. Aswell, I'm surely not a guy who can just get laid and leave a woman behind. I fall in love and I build it up slowly, specially now. Ina and I sat again with each other and talked, "I'm not shy anymore, what I was earlier," she told me. Ina get's shy when it comes to men and love she told me a few times. It was oblivious for me that the 'feeling for me' was over. I felt a chance with her slipping by, it's over and out. Fail? Yes, a bit. I explained it to her again why things went this way this evening, it was okay for her, no hard feelings. She wasn't mad or dissapointed she told me. "We can become very good friends," she said.  "I really hope we do, cause your a very nice girl," I said to her. We watched TV and we sat comfy with each other, we even holded hands a few times and she layed her head on my shoulder. 

But the kissing was over, it's better aswell. I missed it though. Still I felt akward and a bit of a loser, and I should not even feel that way. I just don't know what to think right now, should I change myself and just have a fun time? Ina was to fast for me, that was oblivious, ofcource I reacted the way I reacted, that's me, I'm fragile right now. I liked perhaps the attention, am I in love? Yes and no, ugh! Does falling in love works for me right now? Should I take the first step when it comes to love if it happens again? A few persons told me I should, even Ina made it clear to me. Should I take another step with her? Or should I just be laid back and see what happens these comming weeks? So many questions, where I don't have a answer for. I felt I missed a chance, but maybe it was for the better. Maybe if God is with me he will give me a sign these comming week. If nothing will happen then it's even maybe meant to be, If I take  a step towards 'her' too. 


I could use some advice....