"The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal."

"The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal."

I think the scars will be there always, sometimes I don't feel them and sometimes I do feel them. It's kinda akward though, when I'm feeling good and happy and  ask myself then, "Where is your lonely and sad feeling now," I can't answer it. Akward! It's been a okay day today with some ups and downs, being to long in a 'feeling down' moment is not good. It will get worser if I don't accept the 'down' moment. I will start to think then and the bad and sad thoughts will take over, I accepted the 'down' moment and I felt a bit better later this day.

This day started good, I did a bit of cleaning and folded some laundry. I wrote down what needed to be done, it wasn't that much. I still need to do some floor cleaning trough the house, but that can wait till Sunday. The last grocery I had to do today, I decided to go to two supermarkets. One supermarket had the bread cheaper then the other one, When I'm done with supermarket one I will bring the groceries towards home and then go to supermarket two, lol.  While I was on my way I decided to enjoy myself and take my time, the 'feeling down' moment slowly started. 

I kinda realized that I really need to find more people around me or more things to do in the weekend, like I said in my post from yesterday, I need more people around me, be with people, communicate, more things to do, etc, etc. Sure I like it aswell to be on my own so now and then, I need that so now and then aswell, but I don't want to make it a habbit. Otherwise I will fall into my old 'me,' the one I was before I went to Canada, and I don't want that. I find that a good and awesome thought. Before I did my grocery I went to a pharmacey aswell, I needed some shower articles. The pharmacey was in a busy crowded shopping street, it's always busy there, specially on Saturday.

While I was walking I saw kids walking with there dad's and I saw couples in love, 'that' made my 'down' moment stronger. I thought back at my time in Canada, I went many times with Saf shopping and we had mostly the two youngest kids with us. The 'missing that' feeling started, thinking back that I walked with Tasn many times and that I once commanded her to stay on the pavement, or that I had Ab on my arm again cause he was tired. I missed being a Father, The two youngest ones and me did so many things together. Or it was just me and Saf, we were out in town and had laughs and fun. I surely do want that back, being a jolly good time Husband or being a Father, having the responsibility over the kids, or both. 

After my groceries back home I felt a bit better, I did my shopping 'that' made my 'thoughts' change, I was getting distracted and accepted the 'down' moment. But I know that some kinda things has to change, I need to get out more, specially in the weekends. I will not haste it though, I don't want to pressure myself, cause that wont work. It's like, I WANT to get out more, and it's not like I MUST get out more. My counselor told me aswell that I should find more people around me, he told me that he would like to see that I did some work according to get some more people around me at his next visit. Well, I like that, and I found two things that I could do.... 

I found two cursusses and they will start in Frebruary next year, it's a start. There's one cursus where they will learn you how to sketch and paint, art and stuff, sounds good. The second cursus is about learning being yourself. They teach you how to be assertive and to stand up for yourself. Like I said it's just a start, I sure will search further with 'some things to do.' I'm feeling a bit better now, it was just one of the days I guess. Looking forward I see that I have work, and that I have three free dinners in the week, plus the trip to london is comming soon. I should not even feel loney. I'm on my way, I'm moving forward, there's more to come. 

Days like these or moments like these will always be there, sometimes short sometimes long, sometimes tough, and sometimes light. I will accept it.