Moving on with a speedbump...

Moving on with a speedbump...

Apparently someone didn't like my last post, Saf deleted me from her Facebook friendslist, and so did Cle. That hurts, and I don't understand it. I was already doing what I suppose to be doing, continuing with my life, and doing what Saf liked me to do, let her live her own private life and not follow her everywhere,  and now this. I felt good about my/our  decision, I was more then ready for it. I wish people would understand me, but if some people don't listen, yeah, well, I can't help that anymore. I'm done with it. I'm gonna switch over the page, and slowly continue again where I was, continue with my life and let Saf live her life.  Although it will be a bit with a slow start, I'm dusting of the dust from falling again, and get up and move along. Saf deleting me from her Facebook had a good side and a bad side, the bad side is that it hurts, and the akward good side is, I feel slightly a relief aswell. 

You know, thinking back at the 3 years in Canada I have the feeling that I failed. I could have done so much better, and that feeling is hard on me, I must say WAS hard on me. Coming back with THAT feeling in Holland wasn't a nice feeling aswell, but I got slightly over it. Looking back at the posts from January and February from this blog, was weird and felt akward, I can't believe what I all wrote. What was I thinking? But I know aswell that I went trough something and when I think of that, I feel no shame. That was me in that time, I knew it would be hard. I never wanted to hurt, stalk, or follow the Family, I wasn't thinking straight, my mind was elsewhere. I have been progressing now, and I'm sorry for what I did. I wrote Saf a message back, telling her I was sorry for everything. The message was meant to be a goodbye, closing the page and continue with moving on. 


I got a message back from Saf and she wasn't so nice, but again it's understandable. I was fed up with it, I wrote her back and told her again goodbye, but now goodbye forever. She told me that I should leave her alone, but didn't I do that already? Didn't we already talked about this?  Aaah, I'm done with it, it tires me. All I/we ever wanted was,  is to end the relationship with a happy ending, as far as that was possible. But we both failed, me more then her. Cause, she was the one who did the break up, and not me. Now she's mad and pissed off, and I don't like seeing her like that. But I have to continue, just like Saf. I have to let it go, and I will. Some people think I'm still in love with her, but, (let me write this in bold letters) 

I'm not in love with her anymore, actually the ' loving her'  ended already back in January, after our break up. I  just wanted to end the break up  without fighting or issues, and that we could think to ourselves, "Hey we tried but, we didn't manage." And not split up with angry faces. Faill! It's a pity it went like this. 

I deleted some of my Facebook friends cause Saf was not to speak about 'our' mutual friends, I did it just for the good sake and to keep the peace. She wanted me to leave her alone, so, yeah, me and my angry, fed up, silly, face I deleted her Family members too, (some of her Family members deleted me already)  The reason I deleted the Family members was that I wanted to close the page, and didn't want to be remembered of these last 3 years for a while. Everytime I saw one of the  daughters from Saf on Facebook, I got these 'missing' feelings, I don't want that anymore. But I felt sorry afterwards, why can't I just stay friends with the kids, or atleast some of them? I spent 3 years with them, I don't see harm in adding them back, if Saf let me though, if Saf says 'no' then it's a no! And that's fine.It's her choice and they are her kids. Later on Saf sent me a message back, saying she was proud of me how I stood up for myself on Facebook, instead of others doing that. She perhaps got the feeling that I sent some people after her, to get my right.

Well, I didn't, and what good would that bring? It would make things only worser. So, I had to fix that again, I'm so bad at getting criticism, I wish was easier with that. At the end of the message she wished me good luck and said bye. The message made me feel better, not that I got her attention again, but that we both calmed down and wished each other well. It makes me feel I can continue where I was, moving on. Talking about moving on, what did I do today? Well, I went to my Dad, and I decided to go on the bike and not with the train. I could use some air, the ride was nice but there was a strong wind. It's been a while since I drove that far, I took it easy. When I arrived at my Dad's place, my Aunt and Uncle were there too, they always come every Saturday morning, to buy grocery for my Dad. Dad was alright, his bandage and plasters were off his thumb. Slightly a bit of pain he still felt, but he was fine. I didn't stay long, cause Dad wanted to go downstairs for his lunch. 


The ride back went better, the wind was in my back. I bought some grocery when I got nearly home and took a nap when I arrived in my room. I never take long naps, 15, 20 minutes ans I'm done. But this time I slept for an hour! Woot! I was suprised. The day almost ended, I made some pasta for dinner, had some chit chats with some people here. Relaxing on the laptop is what I do mostly in the evening, tonight I had a beer, but ssshhh, don't tell anyone, cause were actually not allowed. If you get caught you get a warning, the second warning you get throwen out. It's just the rules. Some of the guys here at Humanitas told me that they do it aswell so now and then, drink a beer on there rooms. Aslong as you don't make loud noises or be violent,then it's alright. 

Okay, another post has almost ended, like I said, I'm closing the page, Saf. Meaning, I'm not going to talk about her again on here. (Or atleast try) Not that I hate her, and not we are in a fight, but, because I'm letting go of her for good sake, and for both of us. She's gonna live her life and I will live mine, I truly wish her and her kids all the best!