Dad past away this morning around 5:00 am, the nursery home gave me a call around 8:30 am. Dad got sick last Sunday, he had a upper respiratory infection. A few days later the Doctor told us to be ready for his not recovering, and then this early Friday morning he past away. Last night he got morphine for the pain, he died in his sleep peacefully. After the morning phone call I rushed to the train to get to see Dad, on my way I got a phone call from my Aunt, they wanted to pick me up when I'm there. While walking to the train station I walked firm but felt pain aswell. I felt like I was floating, just like I walked but I don't know where too. I was nerves to what to expect, I felt scared aswell. Many thoughts were going trough my mind. I thought, "This is it!"
Fear for my emotions, fear of how Dad's Family would act, kind and thought full or plain and heartless, like they will give me a bit of a guilt feeling. I decided to let it ALL come over me. I was fearing this moment for such a long time, now is the time, this is it. I hope God gives me enough strength, cause I need it. Once on the train station at Dad's place I saw my Uncle and Aunt's car, they picked me up and we drove to Dad's place. Dad layed in bed in his new room, just as I expected. I was nerves to see him, but I walked into his room automatically followed by my Aunt and Uncle. The tears came, it was so sad to see him like this. So pale, and skinny in his face. He had his pyjama on under his blankets, I stayed with him for a short fifteen minutes.
That was all I could take, I felt dizzy and I needed to sit down. My Aunt and another Uncle stayed with him a bit longer. Dad's nurse and the nursery's Doctor were there too to support us. We all shook many hands this morning, all wishing us strength. I let it all come over me, I still can remember how it was with my Mother's dead 13 years ago, it was hectic and chaos. This time the chaos and hectic stayed out, the nurses at the nursery helped us out. Besides our Family is getting smaller, almost everyone has passed away. I might come over calm while writing this but I'm not, it hurts. I miss him! And yes, there are some guilty feelings aswell. Feelings of, should I have visited Dad more often, should I have helped out more? There were ups and downs.
I kept in mind that I'm almost pretty sure Dad's Family will keep reminding me of these feelings, I'm prepared, but also not. My Uncle called Dad's funeral director, (dad has a funeral assurance) they came pretty quick. Everything has to be settled right away now when Dad passed away, I remembered that too from Mom's death. They came with two persons, one person settled the funeral with us and the other person washed my Dad and putted him in decent clothes. Dad's Family letted me decide aswell what has or had to be done with the funeral, all went pretty well and smooth, though it all took long too. I had time enough. Dad's old room had been emptied aswell today, a truck came (as been ordered) and took the last furniture. Everything was so double this day...
Dad was washed up and done, one of the funeral director's took us to Dad's room to agree if it's good this way. Seeing him again made me tear up, he looked so pretty with his clothing on and sad at the same time, I feel so sorry for him, he doesn't deserve this. My Uncle told me, "He's happy now, this is all he wished for, for such a long time, being with Mom." He's right. Knowing that and keeping that thought, does gives me a good feeling aswell, though there's that sad feeling too. It's so double. Around 1:00 pm the first part of the funeral (upcoming Wednesday) was settled. Though were still not done completely. They picked up Dad around 2:00 pm in a funeral car and brought him to the place where he will be staying until the funeral, I forgot the name for such place.
Everyone went home and I did too, it rained pretty hard but I didn't mind. I liked the fresh air, though I was floating again. I bought some lunch, did a few groceries and went aswell to my old Doctor, to pick up a few papers. I forgot to write me out before I signed in with a new Doctor in my own city last year, I thought it was all settled but no. I will have to hand in the papers at my new Doctor and then it's all settled. On my way home I felt tired, dizzy and sleepy, once home I tried to nap but I couldn't sleep. I had to call my Boss from work aswell, I wanted to know how many days off I get when a Family member passes away. "Three days," my Boss told me, well, that's good.
Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and then Wednesday the funeral, Thursday I'm back to work. Sigh, I hope all goes well. How do I feel at the moment? I'm okay I guess, being on my own for now is good. It gives me time to mourn in my own time, calm and peace full. I'm a bit nerves aswell not really for the funeral but for Dad's Family. Like I said, I will let it all come over me. I know better! I guess I will be floating trough the upcoming days. Dad passed away and it hurts, it feels like it hurts more then when my Mom passed away, is it guilty feelings? I don't know. Though the pain feels the same, I can't really describe it, like you wanna burst out in tears but you can't. Dad's passing away went fast, I still remember I was so busy last week with packing Dad's stuff from his old room to his new room. And now he's gone...
2 comments:
i...wish i had the magic words. my first thought was that i am so happy that you were living in holland and not in canada for his last years and that you were able to be with him. you are a good son sjon. i always loved to read about your visits with your dad. you took charge of his care and you really took care of him. he knew well that you loved him when he passed. i know its so painful. it feels painful to me and he was not my father. thank God you were there for him.
Thanks for the kind and sweet word Jana, and thanks for the support.
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