I think I know where the pain came from the last few days, I already had this chest pain and feeling tired since Dad passed away last Friday, even before his passing. The last few days it became worse, I was anxious and nervous for the funeral, I guess it's normal. Why was I anxious and nervous? I don't know, I felt like crying the last few days but it felt aswell that everything is stuck, and I couldn't cry. I can't really explain why I was so anxious for the funeral, afraid to show my emotion? Afraid of how I would cope? Afraid of my Dad's Family? I think all of them a bit of both. Though I can see the funeral aswell as a new start, that may sound harsh, but it is a new start. "Open my eyes, love and move on, that's what my Dad wanted."
The funeral...
The funeral itself went smoothly, I got up on time, even before my alarm clock. (as usual) I went even thirty minutes sooner with the train as I had planned, I wanted to be sure that I was on time. And I was. I had to be at the train station in Nijverdal (Dad's place) at 9:15 am. My Aunt and Uncle will pick me up from there. We had to be at the church at 9:30 am. I arrived at 8:45 am, thirty minutes sooner then planned. It was cold and a bit misty. I went for a little walk, cause of the thirty minutes, I felt for a little walk. Perhaps to prepair myself and to get some fresh air. At 5 minutes past 9 my Uncle arrived with my Aunt and their Son, (my Cousin.) I felt a bit of a relief, it was nice being with Family members. We were perfect on time at the little church, we waited ten minutes, then the priest let us in and guided us trough the building and to my Dad, ugh!
Seeing Dad again made me tear up, I did not mind the tears. I thought of what some friends of mine told me a few days ago, 'let the tears come, let it out. Don't stop the tears, Do not walk away from your emotions, it helps you to get trough this process.' Tough, I just cried a little. Next the priest guided us to our seats in a little hallway and let us wait there for other Family members and relatives from Dad, everything went smoothly. The Church itself and the little hallways were nicely decorated with candles, white roses and a few memoriam cards from my Dad. There was a register where you could write regards. The Family and relatives were not in many amounts, but I was happy with the ones who were there. When it was time for the condolences I saw my Nieces and a few Aunts from my Mom's Family side, then I teared up again.
I wasn't sure if they would come, but they came. They wished me strength. Later on a Niece told me that they came just for me and my Dad. The church service was touching but aswell tough, The carriers brought Dad's coffin into the little church, and me and plus my Dad's two brothers and one sister followed. I cried a few times, and again, I did not mind the tears. Though it wasn't always easy to cry. The priest did everything well and so nice, there was choir music aswell. My Dad loved choir music, not that weird cause in his youth he was a choir member. The music made me tear up again, it is such a weird experience for me. Just to witness this all and seeing my own Dad laying there in his coffin isn't a pleasure. Difficult to describe the feeling. Weird was the feeling aswell that I was worried about Dad.
After the service the carriers came again and carried Dad's coffin out of the church towards the car, followed by me plus Dad's two Brothers and his one Sister. Dad had three Brothers and three Sisters. Again such a weird experience, 'They just can't leave Dad in his coffin, this is weird,' I thought. I knew it's a funeral and I knew this is all real and happening, Dad passed away and were gonna take him to his last resting place, that's it. Pain on my chest, weird stomach, and the crying went stuck. Dad's coffin was carried in the car and drove on front, followed by other cars from us. The sun came out and it was gorgeous weather, God might have ordered this weather for Dad. The trip from the little church to the graveyard lasted not even ten minutes.
Arrived at the graveyard the black car with Dad's coffin stopped and the carriers took Dad to his last resting place. Dad will be buried with my Mom, Dad's everything, this is all he ever wanted. This was what he always wished, it's a kind of a relief to know this. Though the missing him is there too. For me this was the toughest part of the funeral, here came that weird feeling again. 'Your gonna put my Dad here? You just can't leave him here, all on his own.'Many thoughts were going trough my mind, 'He doesn't even have a coat on, he might get cold,' so weird. This is what happens with funerals, I knew that, but still. I found it so sad for my Dad, I wished I could speak to him one more time, saying a goodbye, saying him that I will do fine, saying him that he will be my guiding angel. But no, I prayed to him and waited until the other Family members left too.
Again, it was good to be with other Family members, the support and caring, it was all what I needed. Leaving the graveyard and Dad was tough, walking away from him hurted but I figured I can always come back for a greeting, just like with my Mom. He isn't gone actually in my eyes, yes he passed away and I won't see him again, won't be able to visit him again, but he's in my heart. He will guide me and be with me where ever I go, it will be good, I'm sure. Leaving the graveyard we all went back to the little church, to have a last seeing each other, a chat, coffee or tea and a sandwich. Our Family is getting smaller and smaller, I saw my Nieces and Cousins, a few Aunts and Uncles. It was so nice to see my Nieces and Aunts from my Mom's side, I sat with them and we talked, I thanked them kindly for being with me at this moment.
When I sat with my Nephews, the kids from my Dad's brothers and Sister it was a bit different, we talked but has some jokes aswell. It did me good to see them, the laughs were doing me good, ofcource. All was good, all was okay. Though I felt tired, after the sand wiches and coffee I went one more time to my Aunt's house for a cuppa tea, and from there my Uncle brought me to the train station. I spent five hours in Nijverdal and I was exhausted, ofcource I did. The train had a delay, so I was a bit later in Almelo. I did a few groceries cause I needed food for dinner. I decided not to go the the 'free dinner,' today at 5:00, that would have been to much for me. Arrived at home I had a little nap, I felt like a bomb went of in my body. I needed rest. Tomorrow I will work again, I feel kinda nerves for that but, my fellow workers will take good care of me. I'm sure.
How do I look back to this day? It's been the toughest day of my life I can say, weird is that with my Mom's funeral I had slightly a different feeling as with my Dad's funeral. Dad's funeral was way tougher, I don't know why. I saw dad's passing away already coming 13 years ago, my Mom passed away 13 years ago. From that time I thought, "Dad's next." With that fear I walked 13 years, sometimes with ups and sometimes with downs. So, why did Dad's passing away made such a impact on me? Is it guilt? Is it that I loved him SO much? Or this or that, I don't know. Maybe a tiny bit of guilt, but oblivious is that I loved him very much, it shows, cause I feel so much pain now he's gone. For now, I will rest and I feel aswell that I will get trough this process, at the moment I just want rest.
I don't feel much for going out, visit a store what I like or something else, that surely will come again. I'm not worried about that, it will come again.
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