Nice day at work today, after working for two days on a different section I worked today on my own section. So much better, though busier and a tiny bit heavier, but okay, I like it so much better. On my own section I have the feeling more that I really make something, produce something, a mat! We start at the beginning, the size, the material, etc, etc. And in the end we roll up the mat, pack it in and done. We even may sign it, well, not on the mat itself but on the cart from the customer. `Made by S. Veldhuis. Nice right? I love my section, but being placed on another section does not bother me that much, I am glad I have work, I am surely not gonna complain. All is good at work, I am happy with my job.
It has been more then a month when my Dad passed away, when I am at work or when I am out doing things, I am not much thinking of it. Now writing about it feels a bit awkward, seeing my Dad on the picture in my living room feels awkward too. Why? Just the fact that I am relaxed about it now, calm and not feel torn apart. That feels awkward, why am I not feeling torn apart, not have these crying moods, although I feel sometimes a tear come up when I or others mention my Dad. I loved him so much, he loved me so much too, though we may not always have showed it, deep inside we felt it.
Dad and I were not much of a talkers, we did not use or needed many words. When I was a kid my Mom and Dad were not used to hugging and kissing and all that kinda loving towards each other, that changed when I lived on my own, lol, I remember my first hug from another person who I knew. It felt a bit weird and uncomfortable but good aswell. Back to my Dad, yeah, I feel okay and calm, though I sometimes ask myself why am I not in tears daily or why am I not torn apart, cause there was I actually afraid of. Dad perhaps did not want me to see me sad I guess.
In my eyes he is not gone, yeah gone from where he used to was, where he lived. I know I can not visit him anymore, (that gives sometimes a weird and uncomfortable feeling aswell) I am aware of that. Though, I know he is watching me from above, with behind him my Mom. I know it is all good there above, that might give that calm and relaxed feeling I have. I am actually pretty sure about that, everywhere I go or what I do, they are there. Guardian angels, perhaps stirring me and making me aware that I make the right decisions.
2 comments:
sjon. he is in your heart. always will be. he loved you and you loved him. he knew it when he passed. sometimes it doesnt hit you immediately. such grieving can hit you at the worst time and when you least expect it. and if it does, just accept it and let it flow. everything will be ok in the end
Yeah I'm not that worried about it, I'm ready if or when it comes. Just feels a bit awkward, actually everything feel a bit weird around my Dad's passing, sometimes it feels like I'm floating on a cloud. I know everything will be okay, I'm positive about it.
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