Day one... Here it began....

Here it began....


After we had a little argue a few days ago, I needed a talk but Saf  wanted to wait cause she wasn't ready.  "Okay", I thought. The argue was about a little burst out from my side. My head was full, (stressed) but nothing came out of my mouth, until Saf complained about something in the kitchen "did you throwed out the tomatoes from last night"?  I answered "Yes, cause they been out of the fridge a whole night and almost a day without being covered". 

Saf replied "you always throw things out"! And I knew enough, I shouldn't have throwen them out. I had a little argue with her and I over reacted. (A little burst out followed) I went upstairs and slammed the door. I felt like a fool for five minutes, then I thought to myself "why do I do such things"? I came downstairs, 10 minutes after my little burst out, cause I had a solution! I'm gonna confront them with a apologize.


When I came in the kitchen the same people were there and I asked them if I could talk with them privately.We sat down at the dinner table and  I apologized to them and told them why I acted like that. I dropped a tear but I felt good that I apologized. Saf was involved in the talk aswell and she answered."we both still have to talk but that's just between you and me" 


A day later I invited her for the talk. I apologized again for the burst out and told her why I screwed up, again. Her answer wasn't so nice and she told me that she was tired of me, the complaining,  mylittle burst outs, and the money problems from my side weren't getting better, she just couldn't afford me anymore and take care of me.


*I have problems with my money, I have all my money in the ING bank in Holland. To get that  money I go to BMO, I use my bank card and get the money. the last 14 months I'm having troubles with my bankcard, BMO money machines gives me the answer that I don't have enough money to take out. what is going on? I wish I knew! Once a month it gives me a amount of money, enough to pay the rent, and that's it!*


What Saf says didn't suprise me. She told me "Maybe it's better to go home and sort out your bank and move on, cause I want to move on, but without you". Saf was short in her sayings and I understood every word, but it felt unfair, (why now?) I wanted another chance but I was afraid to ask. We both had a 'plan'. As soon Saf had a full-time job she was going to sponsor me for Canadian Citizenship. Recently she's working at Tim Horton's full-time, and now she's breaking up with me. I understand the reason why, but why does it  feel so un-fair? so many thoughts running trough my mind the last few days. 

Only bad thoughts. why now? why like this? I felt stupid. I know why Saf broke up with me, it's understandable and I saw it coming. Everytime I screwed up I knew I had to change. I really had my good moments and I knew I could do so much better! She told me "your a really nice guy, and you did so many good things for me and specially the kids. But I want you to be more independent, and take more care of yourself, without me". So many things happened in our relationship and I messed up. I needed a kick in the butt! And not only once!