And further and further downhill I went....

And further and further downhill I went....

This morning I just wanted to be alone, but I got up anyway and did some things in the house. Cleaned the kitchen and looked were the kids were. Saf's uncle came passing by my room later on, he  saw the speakers and I told him I'm selling them. He was interested and thought about buying them. He apologized aswell for the break up. I had a few emails from my Aunt, she told me that there was an option to stay with my Dad's niece. She's over 80. I told my Aunt that I will think about it and will send a email soon. There supposed to be a meeting tomorrow with my friend Johan and my Aunt, they are both looking for a solution for me. I replied my Aunt with a mail saying that I was interested in staying with my Dad's Niece, and asked about the tomorrow's  meeting. 

My Aunt responded that it wasn't possible to stay with the my Dad's Niece cause my Aunt called my other Uncle and he said no, (weird) "She's way to old" said my Uncle. Aswell the Major from Nijverdal replied with a mail back (I send the Major a mail asking him for solutions) He replied saying that they can't do a thing for me, and in the end of the mail was written, "Maybe you can ask your girlfriend for financial support." Then I got a bit upset, cause yeah, Saf should give me some  financial support, or not? I don't know, it confusses me. Either way she doesn't wanna, she refussed the last time I asked her. At the moment I feel sad, upset and worried. I just don't care anymore, it's such a different feeling then I had a few days ago. I'm in need of a talk with someone and I need to calm down... again! This situation is getting on my nerves.

The 'Drop in' guests left in the afternoon and it was quiet all of a sudden. They left so fast that it gave a awkward feeling. The 'Drop in' was a success, we had alot of fun. It was hard to say goodbye cause of the way I felt, I wasn't in a good mood. Dako left too with his uncle and Dad, saying goodbye to him was heavy I hugged him like I hugged the other guests who left. I spotted a little tear from my side but I hidded it. Later on in the evening after dinner I sat with Saf, she was on my laptop. I spoke to her and I updated her about the things I did today for my plans for Holland. She responded friendly until I showed her the mail from the major, she went upset when she red about it,  "Maybe you can ask your girlfriend for financial support."

She laughed a bit and said  "I got a big family to take care of, I can't afford that."..."I got nothing, I'm broke" I replied. I tried to stay friendly but I was mad inside. I said "I'm only asking for some support cause I can't do it all by myself, just little things could help me already" I went on, "I'm not asking for 1000 of  Dollars, help me find a place or help me find some stuff on the Internet what are usefull." She replied, "I can't speak Dutch, I can't help you." She was mad I could tell. Then later on she actually came up with a few advices, she told me about getting a hotel for a few nights or call your place where you get your monthly money from. I wasn't happy with that answer and went quiet, I was lost. I went upstairs and got mad inside, I turned on my computer and logged in to Facebook. 

I went to Saf's profile page and deleted her and blocked her. (My bad, I knew already I will regret it, what I'm doing) I'm such a kid! After being a few minutes on the computer I went downstairs for a coffee and Saf asked me if I deleted her and blocked her, I said "Yes, but I didn't block you." "Yes! you did" she replied! "No!" I answered!  I'm such a liar, I should just have told her that I did delete and blocked her, and the reason why I did it. I was to scared to tell her, scared of what would have happened. I deleted her and blocker in a mad moment, I screwed up and another little fight was born. I felt bad and woke up out of my upsetness and  felt regrets. I went upstairs again and tried to explain things to her trough a mail. She sent me the mail back from the 'Major,' saying "This is ridiculous, that you asked me for support". Again I got mad and send her a mail back with some angry words... 

I replied, "My Dad payed for your and Ab's flight to Holland, I feel like trash throwed out on the street, breaking up seems so easy for you." She sent me a last email saying "I didn't ask to come to Holland, you asked me, if you still want to remain friends then don't go on like this." I had enough, ofcource she's right. (as always) But still I was mad at her and mad at myself. But mostly about this whole situation where I'm in. I went for a long walk to the BMO bank, just to get some air and to calm down... again. Everytime I go for a walk, I clear my head and think of what I did. I tried to think of solutions and ask myself what did I wrong or that I was wrong and not her, and why she's acting like this. It was aal to much to think of and still I was mad and I was lost. 

Just before I got home I realized that the best way is just to ignore her and let her be, and for the rest do the things what I always do. I watched the kids when Saf was sleeping (she had her night shift.) She ignored me still but I was fine with it. I just went on, I watched a movie with Nemo on her bed, and later on I did the dishes, dried them and put them away. It was after one, Saf was already working and the older kids were having fun elsewhere. The two youngest ones were sleeping. I went to bed aswell, it was a long day! Confession: When I have it very difficult in the situation where I'm in now, I sometimes wander myself of in the garage or go for a long walk. In the garage I have a few items where I can throw with to loose my anger. The things where I throw with are garbage bags with paper, no worries here, I always clean up afterwards.

In this month I went twice to the garage, I never, never knew that I had this anger in me, but hey, I have never been in such terrible situation either. Aswell a good relief to loose anger is to shovel the driveway... I feel sometimes ashamed and bad about myself, I'm not myself lately, I'm NOT a bad person! I'm NOT a bad person!