Hopeless...

Hopeless...

I woke up this morning and felt down and lost. I didn't even have the strength to get up, and yeah, what is the reason to get up anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel I gave everything, and I'm tired. I think I just give it a rest today and continue tomorrow. Maybe I will go out. I truly wish Saf showed some interest in the things I do to get back to Holland.
I went out, I grabbed my winter boots, scarf, and winter jacket and went off. When I closed the door, I saw the bus just driving up to the bus stop, I had to run and couldn't even think that if I should go or not, yeah, I had doubts. While sitting in the bus I thought "What am I doing? "should I go back or not?"

The bus went on and on and I was still in doubt, "Should I get of here and walk home?" I went of at Walmart and decided to go to BMO and after that a little breakfast at Tim Hortons, then perhaps Goodwill for suitcases. (I need them) When I went to BMO it didn't give me money, not even 20 Dollar, nothing! Sigh! My mood went further and further down. I decided to go back home! Waiting for the bus took long. Finally the bus came and I asked "Do you take a 20 Dollar bill?" (It's all I head) He said "No, I don't have any change, but I will stop at the Plaza for three minutes, so you can get change." Nice, the bus driver dropped me of and there I went running to a little shop to get the change.

The bus took of again and I went of at the Hospital and went from there walking to the house. When I arrived everyone seemed busy and no one asked where I went. A minute later I saw Saf but she didn't ask anything, not even where I went or just a hello, I wasn't surprised. I made a bowl of cheerios and sat down in the kitchen. After the cheerios I went upstairs and turned on the computer to check my mail. I needed a lay down aswell cause I felt  down and felt like crying. I cried a little bit or was it just pretending? I don't know, I guess  it was just hard to cry. Why doesn't see just help me or show some interest? I went downstairs for a cup of tea and saw Saf folding laundry, I decided to go to her and tell her where I went, and how it went . Her answer was "Oh nice." She didn't even looked at me when I was talking to her. 

I was half in my conversation with her and went quiet for five seconds and then I went upstairs. I mumbled to her softly "I feel like talking to a wall." Again I checked my e-mails and I had a mail from my Aunt, she had a option to stay with my niece, I thought sigh! "Where on earth is this going to end" and I burst out in tears, I cried like a little kid. All the nerves and stress came out from the last few weeks. After thirty minutes I went downstairs again. The kids were watching a video and Saf sat with them, I sat down with them on the floor, I was quiet and was thinking. I wanted to ask her when were going to the record shop to sell my cd's and records, (we talked about this) but I waited for the right time. "After the movie is good" I thought. 

And so, the movie ended and then I asked her. She replied "I don't actually feel to go with you, cause I'm still upset, last night I noticed you deleted me aswell from Tasn profile on Facebook (I made once a Tasn FB profile) She was upset and I told her, "There is more in life right now then Facebook Saf." "I know," she said, "but it's so immature of you," I didn't speak cause I was not in the mood, I thought "She's maybe right, I don't know...What a day." And there I went, upstairs again, I packed some things in a box what I didn't need anymore. When I was done with that I made myself lunch and Saf spoke to me and asked me, "Are you mad now?" I answered, "Yes, just a bit." I explained why I was mad and lost the last few days.

I told her, "I just wish that you showed some more interest in the things I do at the moment." She said "I wont come to you when you are like this." I replied, "I understand that, but I don't have it easy the last few weeks, you gotta understand that." The issue 'financial support' came sliding in our conversation. Saf replied, "If you had another woman and you would have asked her for financial support after a break up she would have kicked you out of the house." "No, or maybe," I replied. Then Saf said "I actually talked to a few woman and they said the same." I replied with, "I have been asking for advice, and I heard the opposite." 

I was okay with this conversation, it was better then ignorance. And it looks it was a hard conversation with fighting words but it wasn't that hard. We were okay, and the day went on, she did her things and I did mine. She gave me a few options aswell when I talked to her about a few things I was working on. "Is Amsterdam not an option for you or another city, you don't have to stick with Nijverdal" Saf said. (Nijverdal is my place where I have been born and lived almost whole my life) It was an idea and I looked on the computer for 'Amsterdam options,' Hostels, a camping, and hotels. There expensive though and I don't know, I even thought of staying in Canada again. I think I'm going insane, lol.