"A new year, a same goal." (long post)

"A new year, a same goal."

I stood up around 8:30am and had the idea to go to 'Goodwill' for some cheap suitcases, it was 50% off price today. Everyone was still sleeping, I made some breakfast and a little note for Saf that I'm  going out to Goodwill. I didn't feel so well, but I think that's normal when you suffer a break up, with all ups and downs. I miss her so now and then. Holding her hand, her touch, just being with her, the way it was in the beginning.

After I ated my breakfast people started to wake up and Tammy came from work. Tam, Saf and Cle have plans for tonight, they told me they have a 'girls night out' (probably karaoke) and they will be driving to Mississauga and stay over one night. I was disappointed and asked Saf if I could come, cause I wanted one more 'karaoke' night before I go back to Holland.

She refused and said, "I'm not taking you, we decided this already a few days ago". I was upset but understood that they wanted a 'girls night out'. I dealed with it. Today was also the day that we all go out together to the movies, were gonna see 'The little Fockers'. It will be fun.

It was time to go to Goodwill. On my way in the bus I had that feeling "why can't I come to karaoke", I just couldn't get over it. Damn, deal with it, maybe that's why I went out, to get my mind of things. I felt mad, sad, disappointed, I wished that this day will be over soon. I should be happy for her and the others, and I should be happy aswell, DEAL with it! The bus arrived and I took of to Goodwill. It was a long walk but it was worth it. I saw two nice suitcases for a good price. I was planning to buy them but they were to heavy to carry trough the snow all the way to the bus stop, and I didn't wanna damage them. I decided to let them be for now and pick them up later after the movies. And off I went to the bus stop heading home. It was good to be outside.


Saf was still sleeping when I arrived safely home. Soon she will be up cause it's almost time for the movie. And there she woke up after 10 minutes. I took a coffee and Saf went on my laptop. I told her about the suitcases, "We will pick them up after the movies" she said. We both had a little cozy talk, about our break up. It was a nice talk with no angry words, Saf told me something but I forgot the words. It was something like, "I liked you as a friend long before I loved you and I don't want to sacrifice that". Yeah, that was it. She said aswell,"You were in love with me big time" I replied, "Hmm..... okay.... you were too I noticed." We talked further and the issue 'financial support' came along. "Don't start with that, cause it will upset me again" said Saf. 

"I understand and I don't wanna upset you," I replied. Today I had some Facebook mails aswell, some were a bit hars but they were honest, and I got the message. They told me that the best option is to go back to Holland as soon as possible and start a new life, as hard as it sounds, they are right! Saf couldn't carry the responsibility anymore and my job or  our goal was that I'll be the one who brings in the money in the Family. Being  a Father and being a Husband, I said it a few times to myself while I was here the last two years, I even wrote it on a note "be the Father and be the Husband". The note gave me strength. Everything was new for me in Canada, I felt like a little kid who had to learn everything in a relationship sometimes. And I loved her big time! (maybe to much) 

I never met a girl like Saf who fell in love with me this big, and she was honest, I could tell! I was so carefull in the beginning of our 'clicking,' just that I was worried that she was just on of those 'fake'girls that I have met a few times. Everything went to fast and I lived in a dream. I never, never wanted to hurt her. I failed hard finding a job, it was so difficult to find a job without a Canadian ID. It was all cash jobs and that didn't bring in much money, but I had to start somewhere. I feel sorry, and I shouldn't have asked for 'financial' support, what was I thinking. like I said I'm totally new in these things. The break up was hard on me, and still is, I couldn't think straight, I took some advices from others but screwed up. 

I don't wanna fight or argue anymore but return to Holland with both of us a smile on our face, and tell each other "Hey we had a good time but it didn't work out" and then wish each other the best, and say "keep in touch"! It was time for us to go to the movies. Me, Saf, Mar and her 2 friends were going first, cause we all didn't fit in the car. I had this 'annoying' feeling over me. (I will explain later about this) I wasn't that in the mood, but I went. Saf  dropped us of at the mall and we walked down the cassiere to get tickets. Saf gave the money for all of us to buy tickets and I gave the kids snacks. (fair enough)


I was quiet while were taking our places in the theatre. After 15 min. Saf came with Tam, Cle, and her friend. We were sitting in the back and Saf 's crew were sitting in front of us. I was quiet and annoyed, I hate that feeling. The movie started and it was a good movie, the movie made me think aswell. I see likeness with the Fockers, LOL! Me as Greg Focker (Ben Stiller) and Tam as Kevin Rawley (Owen Wilson) and perhaps Grandma as Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro)

Owen Wilson plays the ex from Greg's wife. And he does everything better, overdoes it alot, and is always around where Greg's wife is. It makes me think of Tam. (my bad) Ofcource the movie overdoes it alot, but it just made me think.Tam is always around the family, everyone likes her. I like her too but sometimes I think she's sometimes to much around. It's one of the reason I faill in the things I want to do in the house or do things for to help out, you know, being the Father and the  Husband.

She does it always better LOL! She's smart and talks with no ending and comments and correct people so now and then. I know she means it good and does everything with love but, I think it's just to much I can handle. Sometimes I think what would have happend if she didn't came in our house. Would it have been better? Maybe it would, I don't know. I always think to myself, specially now, I could have done so much better, cause I know for sure I have it in me, but it's to late.

After the movie we dropped of the teenagers and then Saf, I and Tam went to Goodwill for the suitcases. and guess what! It was closed cause of New Years, it was after 5:00, bad luck! The ride went on and we drove to Mac's for some lottery tickets. Saf and Tam were so much joking around that it became annoying, and I had already that annoying feeling in me. I should have just laugh with them and make jokes aswell, but I just couldn't do it, I didn't had it in me, I was quiet. The thing what annoyed me is that Tam is so much around Saf lately. I shouldn't be bothered about that but, I don't know, it just bothers me, maybe now it feels double cause of the break up. I always wanted Saf to be happy. 

But I had it sometimes hard when someone was talking to her to much, it mattered though who she was talking to. I knew it was a wrong, and mostly it didn't bother me, but sometimes, aaarghh! I learned my lesson now! The time came that Saf, Tam and Cle were going out, it was 7:00 pm. Hair straighteners, perfume, make up, it was time to get ready. Me, Mar, and her 2 girlfriends, were planning to go out aswell. (let's call the 2 friends teenagers) The plan was to go 'Downtown', I was looking forward to it, I didn't feel like sitting in the house all night. Mar stayed home with another friend. Saf took off and we did too. We took the bus and it was free to go, yay! It was a pleasant ride and when we arrived we were searching for the party. 

But first to the beach, it was nice to watch the water in the dark and we saw some fireworks that suddenly went off. Then we went Downtown, cruisin the streets looking for the party, after cruisin for almost 30 minutes we heard loud music, and there it was! the party!

There was a  huge stage with a live band, and lots of people, and there was enough to do for us. I was happy and so were the teenagers. Half way trough the night I saw suddenly Tam and I thought "huh?" I looked around for Saf and Cle. They were there too, I asked them "What are you guys, doing here? I thought you guys were going to Mississaga". Saf told me they had dinner first at a sushi bar, and they will be heading of soon. 

"We came to have a look at you guys" replied Saf. I though there car broke down or there night out didn't go trough. Saf took off again and wished us a great night. We went on with our own things. It was a nice night with lots of music, autographs, and some food. After 12:00 there was again fireworks and then we decided to go home. The bus wasn't free this time. Our night was good just like we wanted. I knew that Saf was at karaoke and has a good time. But still I thought "I wish I was there", not because of Saf but just to have a nice night with friends and have Karaoke. Karaoke was till 2:00 am and when it was 2:00 am I was happy. Silly me! It was 3:30 am. A nice time to go to bed..