They say it's my Birthday! (February)

Yep! it's after 12:00 in Europe and I'm oficially 43 now!

43 Hooray's for me...

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! hooray! Hooray!

Back to reality...

Back to reality...

11:08 am

It's been quit a weekend, now it's time to get back on track. I'm still concerned about my situation, and ofcource that's normal. This week I will get results from my income, this week aswell I will get results from Humanitas. Lots of fingers crossed here this week, I will need some prayers. Tomomorrow my Birthday. (43) I Guess I won't celebrate it that huge. Today also at 3:15 the dentist appointment. 

I will bring the money with me to the dentist, I still have to pay them. I wanted to pay them last Friday but they weren't there. I'm sure I will get a second bill for the treatment today, one filling and one root-canal treatment, ouch! I have no clue how to pay the second bill. I have been searching online this morning for some jobs but without succes, I even putted an add on a selling site, telling that I need a job, and asked aswell for advice and tips. First I will have lunch and then at 1:30 I will be heading off to my Dads. I haven't seen him the whole weekend.

8:05 pm.

The dentist went fine, when I got there the Dentist asked me right away, "Do you now have the money with you?" He smiled. I said, "Yes, but not for this appointment, I can only pay you the appointment from last week." He had to think a while and decide to not help me further and explained why. But, he will empty the fake filling what he putted in last week, he told me. That was needed, cause the filling had a medicine aswell. 

The dentist was telling me, "When you got your money sorted out, you can call us and we will continue then." I told him that I surely will try to sort it out this week. The dentist is a very nice guy. He told me you have to come back for the next fake filling cause the filling you have now only lasts 2 weeks. I thanked him and said, "I will be back!"

Before I went to the dentist I went to my Dad, he just had a nice lunch. When I came in, the nurse came with cookies and coffee, we both took some. Dad eats to much but his weight is still okay. Dad is getting old,  he wanted to take a candy out of a candy bag, and it took him almost more then 5 minutes. He has always the TV on watching the news, I looked aswell and was thinking of things. Things what made me feel down, a sad mood came over me.

I was thinking of the future, and what will happen this week. The thinking made it not easier when I looked at my Dads picture frames. He has alot of pictures still of Saf and me and the kids. Looking at the pictures made me think of them, I thought to myself, "How did it ever came so far?" I miss them still! I really had a good time there, I was loved. I longed for hugging the little ones, Ab and specially Tasn. I nearly cried and I wanted to leave.

But it was way to early for the dentist appointment. I sat a little while in the bathroom, just to be alone. I don't like these moments, it's hard to let your tears run, it sure would be a relief, if I was at home I sure would cry cause I was close to crying.  It's not easy when you been a part of a loving family, and the all of a sudden alone. I guess I have to blame myself. I saw my Dad was concerned aswell, I think he now realizes what's going on with me.

He would like to help me out, but he just can't. On a certain moment he stood up and wanted to go downstairs. I asked him where he was going, and he said, "Downstairs, are you comming?" "Sure," I said. It was a bit akward that Dad so all of a sudden went downstairs. He's concerned, I can tell. When we got downstairs, he told me, "I will see you tomorrow." I said, "Alright." And off I went to the grocery store, then off to the dentist. It was cold out and I wished I brought my gloves.

It's sure is going to be a long proces...

They say it's your birthday...

They say it's your birthday...

February the 1st, I will be 43, blimey! I wondered already where do these grey hairs come from. I'm sure getting old. Do I like getting old? Not really, LOL! Do you?  Am I worried about my age? Naaah! Just a bit.

On with this day, Sunday today, it was for sure not a sunny day, it was grey and cold. I talked to someone online last night, and she told me to go out and sniff some air. I had it bad last night,  you could say the whole day actually. The deleted pictures argue between Saf and me yesterday hitted me good, still I don't blame her being angry. My heart is heavy lately.
I've been researching today online trying to find a recovery thingy for my computer. Just trying to see if  I could get the deleted pictures back. I even found (I thought) on Facebook a topic about "How to get your deleted Facebook pictures back." After a while I stopped cause in the end it's no use, cause it was all fake sites trying to get money out of your pocket. "Am I going nuts? No! Do I have to do this? No, don't you have other things to do? Yes, but, I thought, "Let me just try this, and I will see what happens." Blame it on my guilty feelings.

It was time to get out of the house to sniff some air, just like I planned. I made a few sandwiches and grabbed an apple (lunch) And there I went, I jumped on my bike and headed to the forest. It was cold and grey but it was nice, the air did me good. I didn't went that far cause the forest was close by, I took some nice pictures aswell. Come have a look...

Forest art!

 

 Farmers cutted down tree's to make a new forest.

                                 There was ice  when I biked further and further uphill

 

                                                                        Nice right?

 

                                                 Going uphill, it went colder and colder.

 

                                                       You see the ice on the trees?

                                                      Misty and foggy in the forest!

 

                                             At summer you see here lots of deers.

 

                                                      And here it all began, uphill!

 

                                                                 An old farmers stable.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
Like I said I didn't feel like going far in the forest, I rather stayed home. And do my things. But I was happy I went out. Lots of people go walk in the forest or elsewhere here in this village. What else can they do here on Sunday? Every shop is closed. Usually on Saturdays it shopping day, and lots of markets. Same ol' same ol', you gotta love it or hate it, there's no other way. Today I talked to Saf again, It was okay, and it felt good. I was quit nervous though, nervous to screw up things again, nervous of saying the wrong words. I really gotta stop that being so fragile and nervous.

Man up! Show wat you got, and don't be afraid! I'm sure Saf is feeling the same way, Man up! I'm a tiny bit nervous for the comming next week, cause there will be alot going on. Hopefully the meeting with 'Humanitas'will be there, hopefully Gak is going to pay me some money finally, either way if Gak does not want to pay, then the goverment HAS to pay. I hope this week will be good for me, first the dentist appointment at 3:15pm then Tuesday my birthday! I want just money instead of a cake. Money with 43 candles! 

"Things do not change, we change."

Changes....

Looking back at the time in Canada now, I sure I can say that I have changed and learned many things. I saw manors and behaviour of myself that I didn't even know I had in me. I sure lived a live in Canada, a thing I didn't had much back in Holland, it was always the same ol' same ol'. Nothing really happened back in Holland, I woke up had my breakfast and red the newspaper. Then computer, afterwards maybe some grocery or some householdings,  then cook dinner or made lunch. And that's it! Tomorrow? The same thing. 

Yes, pretty boring, but I didn't know else. I lived my life quietly, I was jobless. I had a few friends. Although I rather was alone I longed aswell for some people around me, more friends or a Family. Yeah, a Family! Sigh! that would be something. I was at a age that I longed for a woman and perhaps some kids, but they were hard to find. When I met Saf  I was in heaven, she was for sure my first love ever.

I couldn't care less she had 5 kids, I liked and loved them aswell. I was in love, but I held it a bit on the background when we first talked, cause for the same reason Saf wouldn't like me. I was nerves and scared. And funny that I kept that nerves and scary feeling all the time with me in our relationship. I was carefull, very carefull with her, I treated her like a porseline vase. Afraid to break our relation. I know it's not a good thing, I need to stand up for myself sometimes aswell. You could say I was fragile.

The carefullness didn't change, it's just the way I am. If I have a problem, I will try to solve it myself, and if I really, really need help I will ask for help to others. If there is something I don't like what 'someone' else did, I will complain to 'another' person but I wont go to the person who caused the problem. I've been challenged many, many times back in Canada with that problem. Most of the time I solved the problem, and complained afterwards. The people around me didn't like that. 

"Next time you go to that person, and you talk or complain to him or her," they would say, or they say, "Don't talk or complain to me, go to the person who  caused the problem." So now and then I had a little burst out, just angry at myself for not be daring enough or angry at the person who I didn't dare to go to, to say something about the problem they created. Yeah, I learned alot, but it wasn't complaining and arguing all the time, we had a great time aswell. We were happy together! We were a family!

It was a huge difference life then the life I lived in Holland. Maybe it was just to much, to overwhelming, to hectic, being then in a huge Family. I'm trying now to solve a puzzle in my head, I'm trying to figure out why I couldn't controle my anger sometimes, why did I had sometimes the burst outs? But do I have too figure it out? Is it neccessarry? Not really, but it bothers me alot, I'm feeling guilty and I'm asking myself, "Why didn't I do 'this' then, or, why didn't I do 'that' then." Would it have changed something? Yes! I really gave it a 100%, but, I guess I failed. After a burst out or a argue I felt regrets and told myself, "Never that again," and strangely enough it happens again. 

Sometimes I feel bad about the burst out I sometimes had, or the arguess Saf and I had, I still  have the feeling we didn't try to solve this problem. Ofcource we talked about it, many times, but it was more saying sorry and it won't happen again, and we moved on again. I felt bad after every argue or burst out. Saf responded mostly quitly and was ignoring me for a few days, no words. I hated that, but I learned that it wasn't a good idea to talk to her then. In the ignorance time from Saf, I thought alot, Was it my fault? was it hers? 

I tried to make sense of the argue or burst out I had, Usually after a argue or burst out I tried to make it good again with a bunch of flowers or a funny loving note or even a card. But I truly wish that Saf and I talked more about our/my problem, trying to solve things, trying to solve our relationship, solve the argues or burst outs, etc, etc. I have the feeling we mostly never did this. I wish Saf talked more or gave me a kick in the butt, saying, STOP! it's enough!

Saf and her kids were the family I wanted, they were not just a Family. They were special and very interesting. I was happy with Saf and her kids,I love them and I cared and still do.  Although we broke up, I'm still happy that I was a part of the Family, these 3 years in my life with them I will treasure and will never forget. That's why I want to keep contact with them.

But I need to move on aswell, and so has Saf and her kids. I will miss them! It sounds like a goodbye now, but it's not. That's why the thought in my head, 'friends forever', I said it many times, I want to keep contact with them, and I won't tell why, cause that I said already a 1000 times. About the fight about the deleted pictures on Facebook, that hurted me deeply, I thought, "I really hope we still can be friends." I know I need to move on with my life, cause I have some major problems. But yesterday with the deleted pictures, I couldn't care less about my other major problems, there friendship was more important for me then anything else.

Geesh, am I going nuts? Can't I get over our break up? Yes, I can, but don't forget that these 3 years of my life I lived a life what I always wanted. I had a lovely girlfriend, I had kids calling me Daddy, I took care of them, readed them stories, I was a husband and a Father, I can go on and on. That's why it's important for me to still be friends, cause that's the last thing I have of them, and I don't want to loose that. From now on I will treasure this friendship.

Yes,I know I'm a wrack at the moment, and repeat the same words over and over, or make a mess with my sayings, but it's just the way I am right now. I will get trough this! With them, and not without them!

Hold a true friend with both hands....

Hold a true friend with both hands....

Last night after a long day, I was relaxing on the computer. And Saf came online on MSN, and wanted to chat. My heart pounded cause I always get a bit nerves when she comes online. It ended up in a huge argue, what I totally didn't expect. I said, "NO, I don't need this right now." I was scared,  shaking, and afraid to loose her. Here's what happened.

Saf asked me about the family pictures on my computer. (My computer is now hers, I left it for her in Canada) We use to always take loads of pictures when we were out with the kids, or when we went to karaoke. After uploading them on the computer I add them on Facebook. We had tons of pictures.  Sometimes after adding them on Facebook, I deleted them from my computer, cause if I wanted to see them I would or can go to Facebook. Sometimes I letted them stay.

You could say I was the keeper of the pictures, but not on purpose, it just happened that way. I love to take pictures and add them on Facebook to show them to other friends. Sometimes Saf came to me to ask for pictures aswell, I never refussed. Cause they were her kids and we both shared the picture moments, She had pictures herself too.

Saf needed a few pictures from Tasn, cause she had a few frames  for her new bedroom. She couldn't find them on my computer. And I explained what I did to pictures. "I deleted them along time ago, cause I don't need them on my computer, and most of them are on Facebook anyway," I told her. Saf went furious, and couldn't believe I deleted them. I didn't had time to explain myself clearer. She wrote not a nice post on her Facebook. Details I won't share.

Saf was angry and dissapointed cause I deleted the pictures from the kids and me and her. "3 years, a good memory all gone!" she shouted! Here's a little story of what happened a while ago, right after our break up...

The day Saf and I broke up I got upset,  I just couldn't believe what she said. "I want to end the relation," I got dissapointed and my first escape was to my room and to my computer, but I did not want to share things on internet. I had a little peek on Facebook, and saw the pictures from Saf's kids and Saf and me. I was thinking, "Well, I don't need them anymore, it's over and out." And with my sad/angry face I deleted them all. Sigh!! I felt regrets afterwards, but I couldn't do a thing to add them again, my reaction was to fast. 

The pictures were gone, gone from Facebook, and I didn't have them on my computer either, cause I deleted them a while ago, long before we broke up. Cause, again, I didn't want to have so many pictures on my computer, when I clean my computer I delete sometimes pictures what I don't need anymore aswell. I thought then, "I have the pictures from Saf, me and the kids on Facebook, if I need to see them or I have to use them I will go there."  But now everything is gone, I realized that, and felt deep regrets. But what can I do to get them back!

I felt sad for her and wanted to make up with her big time! I need her as a friend and I need the love of her kids, I don't want to loose them! She asked me to mail her every picture I still had on my laptop, and that's what I did. I mailed tons of pictures, I  copied aswell pictures from Facebook. When I saw all the pictures, I saw that we both had a great time, we have so many pictures still on Facebook. 3 kids from Saf has a Facebook account, even the cats have profiles.

While I was copying I thought, "Why doesn't she go to Tasn's profile to find some pictures there from her? Saf knew already that I deleted the  pictures on Facebook on my account, but there are tons of pictures from us and the kids on the kids accounts." But still that doesn't give me the right to delete the pictures. I still remember that she got mad when I deleted the pictures on Facebook, right after our break up. We have spoke to each other then at that moment and in a way we solved it. Why do I do such things? I wish I could turn the pictures all back cause, I miss them too. Silly me!

Saf came a few times back on MSN, and she told me to stop copying pictures on Facebook. I wanted to solve the argue and I think she wanted it too. She wanted to know a few things aswell and she asked me for it. I explained the things, but it got out of hand. Saf was still mad and wasn't able to listen, I surely don't blame her! She had to get ready for work, and I know she doesn't like going to work with a angry head. I wish I had a bit more time with her. so we can solve this.It hurted me and I could not let it go.

Saf is mad and dissapointed and I understood a 100% why. I feel sorry and I would love to talk it out with her, what could/can  I do? Nothing. I really hope things will turn as normal, I would do anything for that. The only thing what was left was our friendship after our break up, and that kept me going, I was happy with that. Her kids means more to me then she will ever know! I don't want to act like the sad guy and Saf the bad girl. I feel ashamed for what I did and it hurts. I can't let it go at the moment.

Money...

Money...

A full morning with lot's of phonecalls, writting, sighs and some tears. It didn't look that the tide would turn. Sometimes I just think to easy on difficult situations, I just think then, "The tide will turn, if things get to worse." Before I went to Canada, I had the same, I had it hard with finding a job. I was already diagnosed with a sick thyroid, and was only able to work for half days. But most factory's or company's did not wanted someone for half days back in Holland.

I kept on searching back then, but after a half year I just gave up. I heard to many times, "We don't want someone for half days. At the moment it's different, I have never been in this situation as I am now, and it scares me and makes me worried. Now I have to find a job, cause I have no money no income and maybe next week I will be homeless. In situations like this I backdown and relax automaticly, when things get to worse. Then my 'easy thinking' button is switched on. Then I start to think "Okay, it is as it is. "It's a good thing that I don't panic then. 

On with today, and specially this morning. Like I said it was a full morning, I woke up on time and made my breakfast and checked my E-mails on the laptop. I saw one short E-mail from Saf, she asked me shortly how I was and she told that she was busy with the loads of house holdings and her work. I'm happy for her she has work, but with so many people in the house you can easily divide the house holdings, cause it's alot of work for just one person. After my breakfast and E-mail I jumped on my bike and headed to my Dad's, it was cold!

I had to use Dad's phone again, to call the people from 'Gak'. I asked them how far they were with my income and if they recieved the 'Canada' letter. I could have guessed it, they didn't recieve the letter. I was thinking of the lady on the phone (From Gak) who I called last Monday, she told me that for sure the letter will come today. Right! Not! This time they asked me for a phone number so that they can call me back today. I gave them my Aunt's number. Poor Aunt.

I had a coffee with my Dad and went to my counselers appointment. I got another coffee there and he asked me how things were, he letted me talk and he was quiet. I told him how I was and what I did so far. I told him about 'Gak' and that I'm hoping that 'the Humanitas' project will go trough. "And what will you do when 'Humanitas' is not going trough?" the counseler asked. I told him "I don't know, I see 'Humanitas' as my last change." I replied. He went quiet. I don't like it when he does that, like, my counseler wants to tell me, that he doesn't know it further either.

We went on, and he told me that we have to fill in this form for Humanitas, he told me before that we both decided that I get a 24-hours project at 'Humanitas.' After filling in the form we made some phone calls, well, my counseler did. First we called 'Humanitas' to hear what will happen next after filling in the form and send it. The lady told us that, we will both get a meeting first to have a talk. And after that we will get to here if  I'm in the 24-hour project or not.

Now the question was. "Who's gonna pay for the project", acyually, the goverment where I live has to pay for this. Another phonecall was born, this time it was a lady from 'Cimom' or something like that. The lady from Humanitas informed us that 'Cimom' goes about the paying. (Are you still with me?) My counseler told 'Cimom' my situation and about what we did so far with Humanitas over the phone. It was a nice lady, and she confirmed that the goverment has the right to pay the project  for Humanitas. She was very clear.

So far we have filled in the form, and next week perhaps the meeting with the staff from Humanitas, I hope it will be soon. I heard aswell that you have to have a un-stabillity to be a part of Humanitas, it surely is not a hotel, like when your broke and have no income and no money, but further your completely healty, then you can forget Humanitas. I can't think of an un-stabillity I have, but maybe my thyroid problem can give solutions.

 
Next phonecall was for my income, sigh! First we called the goverment,and again a nice lady answered the phone, my counseler asked if I could get an extra income until Gak starts to pay. I have been five or six time at the goverment place to ask the for an extra income, cause Gak does not pay yet, and everytime I got there, I got to hear the same story over and over again, "You can't get money here, Gak has the right to pay you". And this time the same story again, "You can't get money here, Gak has the right to pay you". My counseler asked for an explanation.

But the lady didn't want to go with us, my counseler kept on talking with her. But after 20 minutes with absolutelly zero result we stopped the conversation. We both were stunned that they didn't want to give something extra, they have the right to do that. I'm oficially a citizen of my village and I have no money and no income, and Gak does not corporate, that gives me the righ for the extra money untill Gak starts to pay. On to the last phonecall.

We were both tired from the phonecalls and we took a coffee first. My counseler asked me about what I will do when I don't have a place to stay next week. I could not answer him, cause I just didn't know. Maybe I was thinking to easy on my self again and was already sure that I can get in that Humanitas project, and ofcource I won't be on the streets as a homeless, are you kidding me? I realized my counseler was serious,and I told him that I'm not going to live on the streets, "I don't even have a place for my suitcases when I do that," I told him.

"Well, you can't stay here at my office, and leave your suitcases here", said my counseler. He wanted to wake me up and tell me "Hey, this is reality, wake up". I understood him but could not bring out a word. I was only thinking, "What on earth is happening to me, this just can't be true!"  I just couldn't believe this. I'm a 100% aware what is going on but, the only thing I can do is shake my head and say, "what has happened to me, is this me?" three weeks ago I was still in Canada, this can't be true!

My counseler made one more phonecall, and that was to Gak. I kept my fingers crossed. The phone call was rough and hard. It almost ended up with bad words to each other. A lady answered the phone and my counseler explained again what was going on and asked for the 'Canada' letter again, but, same story again, the letter didn't come yet, we can't do a thing until the letter arives,  blah, blah, blah. Gak told us aswell that, if they couldn't do a thing yet, we should inform the goverment from your village and ask them for an extra income, until we have the letter, right!

We just called them and they said we have to inform 'Gak' cause there is the place where you had your income. The conversation went rougher, and the lady raized her voice. "We can't do a thing until the letter arives." My counseler went on and gave it everything, but nothing helped. The lady told us, "Your client had the duty to inform us when he went to Canada, but he didn't." That was my right and my duty yes, but I completely forgot about them, cause I was busy with other things, like moving and selling things, getting ready for the big trip to Canada! Now they told me that I just had to inform them and we would just had payed out a sum of money. The conversation had to stop cause it was a defenitly 'NO'.  We ended the conversation, and my counseler cursed a few times. We just couldn't believe it.

It was time to go, my counseler had more to do. I thanked him cause he did so much. One thing I hoped for that Gak still will call my Aunt, and that they aren't mad, after we made that  phonecall. I bought a few cheapy groceries and headed home. Funny that I call it home, but it isn't actually home, it's the place I stay for a while.  My Aunt mailed me when I got home, she told me that 'Gak' had called her, and that they wanted a new written letter, cause they still didn't recieve it, there must have been something going wrong. So, AGAIN, I wrote a letter, and posted it right away, for five seconds I thought, I'm gonna give them the letter personally instead of posting it. But it's a 40 minutes travel with the train so, no!

I think and I hope that next week many good things will happen, things that will get me moving forward and that I can actually build something up. I don't care if it will go slow or step by step, if it goes forward then I'm already happy. But first, weekend! This weekend I will do some research for my income. I need money!  And who said money doesn't make happy.

Lazy day today...

Lazy day today...

There is not much to do and not much to say today, perhaps answering some emails or searching for some jobs on the net. Tomorrow I will know more about my situation, I got a few things to do. First at 10:00am the counseler appointment, after that a phonecall again to 'Gak', I hope they finally recieved my letter. And maybe a visit to the goverment for some extra money.

There are a few things what I concern about...

1) I need to pay my dentist, the last visit he asked me to pay right away. But I told him, I will pay it tomorrow cause I forgot my wallet. And up comming Monday I have the next appointment.

2) I need to pay the place where I'm staying when I leave next Monday, or maybe I can pay them a bit later bit later. (Depends on Humanitas and my counseler)

I need Money!! It concerns me, and I know I have to find a job. Tomorrow I will know more. Today it's relaxation. What do I do when I relax?  Sleeping and make nice meals, and reading on the internet. Specially blogs now! hahaha! I wonder why. I noticed that a few people are following my blog but they forgot to click the button "Follow." Come on People! 

Looking back at the place where I am now and have to leave next week (Prolly and hoping) I had a nice time, even though I had my sad and crying moments, this place did me good, I had my rest. I still think back sometimes at the couple where I first was, the couple who throwed me out the second day already. I think it was all meant to be, cause, I didn't saw myself staying there for a few months, I needed to be alone for a while, I needed rest. I'm sure what I achieved now, I wouldn't have achieved there.

I don't know what will come next on my path, but I'm almost sure it will be 'Humanitas'. It frightens me a bit to go there, It's a huge difference then where I used to was the last 2 and half year. It makes me think "What on earth has happened to me, what's going on with me?"  I hope I will get trough this, there is no other option. But still it feels unfair! I shouldn't keep saying this but, I didn't do wrong, to deserve to be in this situation. I shouldn't blame anyone. And I wont! I will get trough this.

And now something else...

Have you ever had the feeling as a blog writer that your kinda lost and don't know what to write, or that you think that your blog gets boring? Well, I'm at that point now, LOL! Maybe I should post something funny, or something totally different, something that totally makes no sense. Uhm, yeah let's try that!

Here we go... let's talk about fortune cookies. I never knew what fortune cookies were until I met Saf, we went a few times to 'Manderin' or '' Imperial', there both Chinese buffet's. And at the end of a meal the waitress gives you a plate with some fortune cookies. It's funny to read them. Here are a few.....

                                              "You will find a bushel of money."         

                                     "You are going to have some new clothes."

                                   "Maybe someday we will live on the moon!"                        

                                                                  "Don't panic."

                                  "You will find a thing. It may be important."              

                                                               "Buy the red car."

                  "You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly."  

                                         "Never kiss an elephant on the lips."  

                           "You may be hungry soon; order a takeout now."

Tasn!

I miss this little girl...

Geesh I'm so weak when it comes to kids, Saf's 7 year old stole my heart the first time  I saw her, and still does. Before Saf and I met we did our chats on the computer, and we used sometimes the webcam. The little kids loved it! Specially Tasn, she made funny faces and asked me many questions. Her first question was always about getting her gifts, LOL!

The first time I saw Tasn, she was shy. Saf picked me up from the airport together with Dako, Noor and Cle, from there we went to Saf's friends, to pick up Ab and Tasn. It was weird to see them when you know them only from the webcam, it looked so unreal. Tasn took place in the backseat and was quiet. (shy) I looked a few times behind me to look at her, she laughed and blushed. Thinking of that moment makes me missing her.

 Later on she talked, and I can remember her bad tempers what she so now and then had. Always complained about the food in the morning, It was funny though. She cried sometimes so hard when she had a temper, that I felt sorry for her, I always walked towards her and tried to calm her down. I still did that the years that followed. We have so many good memories.

I remember that I was afraid of her tempers or her naughty behaviour. Specially when they let me babysit her, Oh dear, what will happen? will she tear the whole house down? I got used to it in the months that followed, and I got along with her very well. I learned her things, like riding a bike, what almost seemed impossible when I first saw her trying to ride a bike. I watched her grow, and I watched her learn many things. 

                                                                           Tasn~

                                                           A tiny little angel
                                                   that always is in bloom
                                              you brought me so much light


                                               your cuteness is so stunning
                                                  your smile makes me melt


                                              I was proud to be your Daddy
                                                      it's the best I ever felt


                                                  Oh perfect little princes
                                                         With you I'm lost


                                               Every night before I dream
                                                   I thank the lord above
                                              To know someone like you

Get me out of this misery...

Get me out of this misery...

The future doesn't seem so bright at the moment, I shouldn't be thinking this but I can't help it. I'm waiting for response from my counseler, and I'm waiting for response about my income. It's difficult when your only can keep contact trough a laptop, if I want to call some people I need to go to my Dad, and he lives 30 minutes from me. I messaged the people from Humanitas, (yep, I'm going for it) and told them my situation, and asked them what they could do for me. The response frightend me...

Hello Sjon,

Social work could sign you up for a 24-hour counseling process if you have multiple problems, as you told. However, the Goverment is Partly Responsible for placement. Upon notification by example, MWD has a planned intake to Assess were there there is a basis for placement assistance. The Additional costs can be recovered by Nijverdal .

If you do not want all this then there  is directly a sign of  homelessness, you can use a night shelter provision. It costs 6 euros per night and you have a place to sleep. During the day you can go look for other housing. If there is no place in Almelo, we will refer you to Enschede. At the Salvation Army or Wonne.

Right! So, yeah this actually scares me and it makes me nerves and concerned. It's so easy now to get visions of me walking down the street being homeless, and I just can't help it. I don't want this, and I'm kinda lost.

The tide turned a bit....

Though the tide turned just a little bit. My plan was to go to my Dad, to use his phone, (again). He was sleeping in his chair when I arrived, and I knocked softly on his door. He woke up and said, "Hello," I sat down and had a little talk with him. It was time to make some phonecalls, first my counseler, cause it's been a while since I heard from him. He wanted to contact me as soon as posibble he told me that last Monday, but no sign from him yet.

A lady answered the phone and she told me that my counseler will be back Friday. Sigh! "That's late", I thought, "Can you leave a message"? I asked the lady. That was alright, and I told her, that I need my counseler cause I don't know what to do, and that I didn't hear from him yet. I told her aswell that I contacted 'Humanitas', and that I need him to contact the people there. "I will sent your counseler a mail, right away", said the lady.

I was concerned cause everything took so long, the counseler and my money. I didn't feel so well at my Dad's, I was dizzy and tired, I did not wonder why. The next phonecall was to 'Gak', my monthly money income. And again they told me, "The letter still didn't arrived, "You know it takes 7 days for a letter to arrive, and after that we have to discus the letter", the lady told me. I talked a little while with her on the phone and complained that I really need income cause I'm broke.

The lady felt pity, and understood my situation, but she couldn't do a thing about it. She was nice and appoligized to me. I drank my coffee, and decided to go to a 'uitzendbureau' that is a agency where they look for jobs, you can register or sign yourself in, and the people there going to find jobs for you what will suite you. So, thats what I did and then went home. I needed rest and nothing else. Just a day off with no worries or look for houses, jobs, etc. Nothing!

I arrived at home and opened my laptop, I saw a few mails and was suprised to see that one of the mails was from my counseler. He told me that he got in contact with 'Humanitas' and that he wanted to sign me in for a 24 hours project. My counseler wants to see me on Friday at 10:00am. "Finally," I thought. The counseler told me aswell that I should keep searching for solutions for your problems, and that I should keep begging for extra money by the goverment.

I was happy with the contact, My problems aren't solved yet but, atleast I got some help. So, Friday I go to my counseler, and I will call 'Gak' again. And if they still don't recieved my letter,  I will try to get some extra money from the goverment. Today I dared to look on my ING bank account, it said, 16 Euro and 50 Euro cent! I could have guessed this but I wanted to be sure.

My Horoscope...

Keep your mind on the present, Aquarius. As much as you'd like to be somewhere else, your daydreaming is getting out of hand. If you're sincere in your desire to explore other lands, begin some research. For now it's better to focus on any problems that make you want to run away. Open a dialogue with anyone with whom you've had a misunderstanding. You will find this brings immeasurable relief.

That makes you think, right? It made me think, and some things in that horoscope were right. I still miss the Family, ofcource, cause it's still fresh. It's not even weird, cause, 2 weeks ago I was part of a full Family, and now I'm alone. The 2 and a half year I was with this 'awesome' family was not nothing, when I think of it. I lived with them and shared my life with them. I surely lived! And now being back here that hurts!

So, let me daydream for a little while, I'm sure I will get other things on my mind, when I have to focus on my future. I said a few times that my goal is to live somewhere else and not in my own village, (not the same ol' again) and I want to visit the kids and Safa in the near future, and don't worry horoscope, I sure will do my research first, when I visit Canada again.

Don't ya worry! But first things first!

I was thinking....

I was thinking.....

I was thinking last night that this blog really needs sometimes something  positive  and not always sad and negative writtings. I will try to end every post from now on with 2 positive things or thoughts.  p.s. I'm planning to write for a long time, and at the moment I'm going trought this proces. But this proces wont last a lifetime. so eventually the Sun will rise again on this blog, you watch and see!

I'm feeling a tiny bit better as yesterday, yesterday was a full day with lots of talks with counselers and not much time for myself. And a day with a bit of pain from the dentist, lol! I can tell you a rootcanal treatment sounds more painfull then it is. The dentist was a nice guy and comforted me so now and then. The only thing I have troubles with is to keep my mouth open for 45 minutes with all these dentist tools in my mouth.

I slept out today cause I planned not that much this morning. At 9 I woke up and made myself breakfast, and opened my laptop. I searched for some jobs with succes, I responded on them and now I wait for them to respond back. I have the feeling I can't do that much this week. My counseler wants to contact me these comming days. And then I will see what his plan is with me. He knows what I want, he has all the information he needs. In the first place I need a place to stay so I can come to rest and build up slowly my future again. And ofcource my income, I need money. 

Yesterday the other counseler talked to me about 'Humanitas', that is a project with people who help you out if your homeless. Sounds scary right?  That was my first thought too, I was thinking of homeless people from the street, drug addicts and thieves. But the lady told me that it isn't what you think it is. These people who are living there, are also in relation problems, ofcource there are other people to who don't have a place to stay but they devide the people in groups.

The staff at Humanitas helps you financially and emotionally, they help you with getting yourself on the right track again. Still it scared me and made me nerves. I thought, "I don't want this, and I don't deserve this." Now today I'm thinking a bit lighter about Humanitas. The good thing about the people there they help you moving on and besides that you get a room for yourself. The place where Humanitas is is not in my village but in another city called Almelo, that's a 30 minutes drive from here. Almelo is one of the city's where I would like to build up my future.

Today I went to my Dad to see how he was, and to pick up my clean washed laundry. My Aunt offered to wash some of my laundry. My Dad was okay and I took my laundry and went to the bank. I still had to pay the bill from the dentist from last night, I hoped I had enough money left to pay the bill. I needed 70 Euro and the money machine gave the message that I could only get 16 Euro. I sure didn't expect that!

"I'm broke, I'm out of money, what to do now?" I thought. "Shall I go into the bank and ask what's going on? Shall I ask my Dad for money?" Thoughts, thoughts, I went to the dentist and sat in the waiting room (I wanted to tell them that I can't pay them, maybe I can pay them at my next appointment) I waited 3 minutes at the dentist, but know one showed up. I had doubts and decided to go to my Dad, to tell him what happened. I was tired aswell and I just wanted to go home!

I wont ask my Dad for money, but maybe he offers me, I don't know. My Dad was a bit concerned but didn't gave me money, he told me to take it easy tonight. "It's fine, I'm going home", I thought. In such situations my "do not panic or go mad button" is on, "it is as it is, and I will try to figure out something," were my thoughts. It was such a long bike ride and the wind made it heavier. I cursed  a few times, cause of the heavy wind and my money problem. I did a bit of grocery and went home. Sigh!

At home I tried to get contact with my counselers and the  goverment trough email. I'm waiting for response. After my dinner I got concerned and thought about my money problem. I have never been in this situation, but I learned aswell that when you really in big trouble, then just keep going cause on a certain point it will turn around into a good or better point, meaning it will come good, hopefully.  It's a positive thought.

Something positive!

I was telling in the beginning of this post that this blog need sometimes something positive and not always the negative writting or sad writting. Well this day ended not really positive though, let's try this tomorrow...

Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Dream On

Bring me back....cause I can't believe I'm here...

Bring me back....cause I can't believe I'm here...

Monday was a full day, with lots of emotions and tiredness. And the day ain't over yet while I'm sitting here writting this post. Sometimes I  just think to myself, "Is this really happening?" or "I just can't believe I'm here." I'm moving slowly forward but not in a way I want.

I got up early cause I needed to be on time at the appointment for counseling, 8:30am I wanted to be there. I was afraid that I overslept, but I was on time. 6:30 I got up and thought, "If I don't get up now I will sleep longer, and miss my appointment." I was tired but ready to go, it rained a bit but not that hard.

When I got at the appointment I was right on time. The counceler shook my hand and said "Come on in." When he asked me to tell what the problem was, I told him that I wrote it down on a paper, cause it's such a long story. That was okay, he told me. While reading the paper I cried a few times and I thought to myself "I don't wanna be here, and I don't wanna read this, I want to be back in Canada, where I belong." Reading that written letter made me think back at Canada. 

 I had it hard, but continued. The counseler wrote it all down and felt pity. "I sure want to see you again", he said, and wrote down my email adress and phone number from my Aunt. (I still don't have a phone) He wanted to mail me back for a next appointment, and I thanked him. Then I went to my Dad for a little break, cause I still had a hour for my next appointment.

I nearly fell asleep at my Dad's, weird, cause usually my Dad falls asleep when I'm there. I sure needed a nap again after all this. It was 10:30am and I decided to go to my next appointment, the 'urgenty' appointment. It rained harder this time but luckly I had a umbrella. When I arrived, I had to wait long cause the 'lady' had another meeting. After waiting for 30 minutes, she came and told me to come with her to another room.

We sat down in a little office, and I told my Canada story again. She was a counseler aswell she told me, and I was happy with that. Again, I cried reading the written letter I made of my story, "It's so difficult", I told her, and she gave me  a glass of water. She heard my story and she wanted to help out. Together with the other counseler, where I talked to earlier, "I'm gonna contact him and I will speak with him about this, "After I spoke to him, he will contact you", told the lady.

Today I called aswell for my income, cause I wanted to know if they recieved my 'written letter' already. The first lady on the phone wasn't so friendly and she told me "What letter?! "we stopped your income, if you need a new income you have to ask for it again.". "Damn", I thought! She just didn't get it!

I waited 10 minutes and I called again, this time there was another lady who was friendly and she told me, that they didn't recieved the letter yet, but if we get it we will have to discus the letter with our staff and then we make a disicion, It's better when you call Thursday or Friday back. Sigh! I will call them Wednesday again.

I felt like crying, when I got home, but I didn't. I had some angry thoughts, cause I just can't believe that Saf would put me in this situation, "Why?" I thought. I sure understand why we broke up but, look at me now, I don't deserve this!  Sometimes I have these thoughts, and I know that such thoughts doesn't help me further, but I just can't help it. I guess it takes alot more time this proces then I expected.

I surely don't hate Saf, and she doesn't hate me. I have to get trough this and I want to get trough this. I want that in the end I will have a nice house and a nice life. So I can say. "Hey! it was all worth it". I want to be able to see Saf and her kids in the near future and have a good time as friends. Cause for sure we had our good times aswell.

Look at Saf and her kids now and look where they came from, she did so well, Saf  can be proud of herself, and you know what, I can say, I was a part of it! Good times!  I don't want to waste my time thinking bad of her after we broke up.  And that's a good thought, right? Bare and be patience with me in this proces.

Alright, the moment of the day was ofcource the dentist, I didn't look forward to it cause I don't like dentists, not personaly, but the drills, the smell in the waiting rooms, the nerves, I sure know better and nicer things to do then that. But I was in pain, and so I went. The good thing about it was that it was at 6pm, meaning I didn't have to be in pain from the drilling the rest of the day. First I was getting 5 anesthetic injections. and then the drilling started and I must say, it was a piece of cake and went pretty fast. No pain!

The root canal threatment went perfect, they putted a fake filling in the tooth after cleaning the infection, then next week I get another fake filling and then next time the real filling. The fake filling was a kind of a medicine. Ofcource the anesthetic felt weird in my mouth afterwards. It's hard to drink a coffee with a swollen lip, LOL! Next Monday the next threatment!