"When I repress my emotion, my stomach keeps score"

"When I repress my emotion, my stomach keeps score"


We have a saying in Holland "Jan is crying, Jan is laughing". It means that someone can change his emotions so fast, one moment he/she is crying and before you know he/she is laughing again. I had that feeling a bit today. 7:20 am, just like yesterday I woke up to get the kids to school, or help out where I can. I went downstairs to see who's awake. I saw Saf on the couch with the laptop on and the TV. I thought "Is she sleeping or is she awake?" I snapped my fingers a few times softly but no response, meaning, she's asleep. I did my things what I planned to do and after 10 minutes Saf woke up and asked me if I can get the kids off to school. "Yeah.. sure" I replied.


I don't mind doing it, I makes me feel good, and knowing that 'they' have to do it when I'm gone,' makes me feel good aswell. Sounds a bit mean but okay. Tasn was hard to wake up, I had to go upstairs a few times. After being upstairs for the 4th time I said to her "If you don't get up now, I will just go to bed and you can help yourself". She came downstairs in 1 minute. She was tired you can tell, it's been a long and busy holiday. Mary got up aswell, and on time, but fell almost asleep just before 8:30. I had to wake her up and tell her "Hey, it's almost time for school". She forgot the time and complained about being tired. Long and busy holiday, sigh! Not good.


My plan is to go to Goodwill this morning. The kids are off to school and the rest of the crew is sleeping, I'm free to go. I need a suitcase and I'm not waiting for Saf to come with me, I asked her a few times, but she doesn't sound so interested, "We will do it later," she says, I can't wait for later. I took the bus from 9:30, and I didn't feel so well, thinking about my 'situation' didn't me make me feel better. When I think about it, I get mad, mad at Saf. How could she break up with me and say, "it's better for you to go home, I want you to move on without me." Does she even realize what she is putting me trough? I understand the break up, but I really hope she knows where I'm going trough now and all the things I have to do to go back to Holland. She might think it's easy, but it's not! 


When I went out of the bus I walked over to BMO, to check if I had gotten some money. Nothing! My mood sank deeper and deeper and my (mad) thoughts went worse, ugh! I had to move on, and went to Goodwill for the suitcase. The one I saw last week was still there, yay! I looked at it and looked at a few smaller suitcases. I needed one more small suitcase to take with me in the plane, but I had doubts of which one to choose. To small, to big, I didn't know. Saf knows such things, I'm gonna ask her when I get home. I payed for the big black one and walked to the bus stop, a 20 minute walk is to do with a large suitcase.


I got home and it was busy, everyone woke up. there was lots of talking and the little kids asked if I bought something for them. I said "No, not today". I wasn't in the mood to be in a busy crowd (I was still full of mad thoughts) I took my suitcase and went upstairs on the computer, looking for houses and rooms. I must say the last few days I'm doing good with searching for houses, I got 3 people who have something. there are 2 who still need to confirm and 1 is (hmm) confirmed. Waiting for people to confirm makes me nervous. I wanna get it over with, just, to have a place and book the flight and be gone! 

I know it will be hard and though and lots of miss you's, but like a friend told me yesterday "you need to get on it, there's no time to waste". It will be a huge different life when I go back to Holland. I won't miss the hectic here in the house but I will sure miss the kids and Saf. They were the perfect Family but it got a bit out of hand, a bit much! I had totally no experience in a hectic family, I was slowly getting used to it but I went to slow. I didn't talk much to Saf this morning. When I was upstairs packing my new suitcase, (just the clothes what I'm not using) Saf came upstairs aswell. I thought "shall I say something or not"? I was still grumpy at her in my mind. Then I told her "Hey, look at the suitcase I bought."

"Oh, nice, you went to goodwill this morning"? I said "Yes!" "Good for you", she replied. And she went on with what she was doing. I felt like a little kid getting a nice compliment. It didn't felt good. The day went on and I made some lunch at the kitchen table. The kitchen counters were busy, Tam was cooking and Saf helped out. I told her about the search for houses, "I have three places and all three still need to confirm, the waiting makes me nervous". 

Saf replied "They probably have work, don't worry about it". She was friendly and nice. SafSaf was putting the 7 year old in bath and cleaned her own room. We both were friendly and had a few jokes. It makes me feel good to get my mind of things so now and then. Perhaps it's better to think positive and be nice and friendly instead of  being  grumpy and ignorant. Even though I think she was wrong with breaking up with me, and telling me, "You have to go back to Holland."


After the dishes I went for a shower and had dinner with the kids and Saf. Tam's 4 year old Daughter was naughty and wasn't so nice in her sayings, and I could tell that Saf wasn't happy with that. She has a attitude sometimes. I didn't say much about it, I didn't want to get involved in that. Saf wants to talk with Tam about her Daughter's behaviour today, she told that aswell to the Daughter. (kids) It was a long day and I feel okay, I should worry less about the situation where I'm in now, and be more positive. Me being grumpy and feel bad doesn't change things. Like I said before "it is as it is." Make the best of it, and give it a 100(0) procent!


Time for bed!