It feels so heavy and it feels so unreal, is this really happening? So many thoughts this morning when I woke up, I wish it was Sunday cause I'm out of energy. I can't think straight anymore, and I'm not myself. What has happen to us? What has happened to me?
My Aunt was telling me yesterday, that it's now time to think of yourself. Well, I do, but I have such a huge guilty feeling over me, like I'm the couse of the break up, I'm the bad guy and I screwed everything up. I know I'm the couse of it all, but I'm not a bad guy, I did good aswell.The feeling makes me wanna cry. stop my silly, crazy thoughts! If I could stay another week, I would say, "No!" Cause I'm tired of myself, and tired of being in this situation. I need rest. And I don't wanna bother the people around me anymore.
It snowed this morning alot, I shoveled the driveway again just like yesterday, just to get some air and other thoughts, it's better then sitting here in the house and feel sad. Although it's the last day, I wanna have some positive vibes. I had a okay sleep, I slept six hours and that's enough. The kids were up and they were playing, everybody else was asleep. Tasn asked if she could have some mushroom soup. I warmed up two cans, and I made myself a bowl of cheerios. After my breakfast I started with the last packing, records, singles, cd's and dvd's, they were heavy. KLM said on there site that your only allowed two suitcases for the check in and they may only weigh 23kg both. and then there is one handbag allowed for in the plane, what has to be 12kg. It's hard to weigh such things.
Saf went out later in the morning with Cle, Noor, Tam, and a friend of Cle. Saf went for grocery shopping with Tam and Noor, Cle and her friend went to Georgian mall. Life goes on and everyone are doing their daily things. My packing is done, only a few little things I have to pack. Saf asked me when she got back from grocery shopping, if I already called the couple where I stay. I told her, "I totally forgot," but actually I thought about calling them but I thought, "Maybe later." I always chancel things, my bad!
"Call them," said Saf. I called them even thought it was already 11:00 pm in Holland. I talked to the man of the house and he was friendly, very open and down to earth. He told me he had some visitors, but it was okay that I called. His name is Joh, and he told a bit about himself, his house and the area where he lives. I need to get used again to speaking Dutch, LOL! While talking I felt we were both a bit nerves, but that's normal, cause were still strangers to each other. "Everything will be fine and okay, don't worry," he told me. I'm glad I called, and I'm glad I've been pushed by Saf to call them.
Tonight Saf, I and Tammy have been out together, our plan was to go to a Karaoke bar called 'Memories'. We have been there before quit a few times. The snow was good on us, although they warned for more snow. When we got there it was not that crowded and we were the first ones up to sing a song. It was nice and we sang a lot of songs, sometimes my thoughts were wondering of. Just thinking of the way things were in the past for Saf and me. I had sometimes the need to hold her hand or rub her back like I just to do sometimes, but I couldn't. She's the most gorgeous woman I ever saw, she as a very nice personality and she's strong.
The karaoke evening went pretty fast and it was time to go home. It was nice and okay, though my head was empty while being there. It snowed alot, on our way back and we had to drive 40/50 km cause of the many snow. Tam was a bit tipsy when we arrived at home. I went straight to bed and thanked Saf for the nice evening, and she thanked me. Saf and Tam stayed up for another drink and watched TV, I knew that they will be a bit loud but I'm not going to bother them, though they became louder and louder. I stood up and before I knew I was yelling at them, I nearly freaked out, I thought, "What's going on with me?" I told them, "You guys are so loud, I just will stay up until you guys go to bed!".
I was shaking and for sure not calm. A burst out?
I think it was all the stress from the last month. They asked me to calm down and talk normal. Tam said, "Why didn't you just come down, and asked us to keep it down a bit?" Why do I do such stupid things?! What was I thinking?! I decided to go downstairs again, and say sorry to them, ugh! I explained my self why I acted like this and they did too. I was totally wrong with shouting to them and freaking out! But, it happened, and I can't turn it back. FAIL! Tam was more then tipsy and she told me a few things. I didn't want to discus things with her, cause she had a few drinks to much. There's nothing wrong with having a few drinks to much but, you know what they say , When the alcohol is in the body....
Either way, I deserved some bad talk back, cause I was bad too. Tam told me I said a few things last week to Saf what wasn't true. I'm not going to tell what has been said. Tam said, "Get this straight, "If you mention that one more time I will knock you off." and then she offered me a glass of wine. I thought, "Did she just threaded me?" My heart sank in my stomach and I was quiet. What could I say? I took the whine drank it and I went upstairs and decided to say nothing. I did it again, I failed and screwed up!! I didn't know what to think anymore and tried to go to sleep. Tomorrow I will be on my way to Holland..... I'm done... my head is a mess!
A funny memory!
one day....
Noor and I were sitting on the couch watching tv, after a while Noor wondered around cause she heard something, she asked me "Do you hear that?" I said, "No". "I swear I heared a mouse". She sat down again and 5 minutes later she stood upand walked to the kitchen, then suddenly she saw the mouse in the basement! "See, there he is, right under the stairs". I had to look cause I was curious. ''Is that a mouse?" I asked Noor. "Yeah, look at it". It seemed dead, and no one dared to go downstairs, I grabbed a box with something in it, and threwed it from all the way upstairs, to downstairs. The box landed flat on the mouse. It was really a good throw. "Good throw," said Noor! We left the box there till someone was so brave to remove it.
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