You have learned something, That always feels at first as if you had lost something

I learned and I (have) lost...

I know what I have lost... A month ago. But who was to blame? No one was, and it's no use to bring it all up again. Or is it? Let's just try....

Thinking...

I think we were both overwhelmed with excitement and were expecting things from one another. Here was I, looking for companion, love, and a nice Family. But almost gave up searching, cause I have been put down many times, and the searching was tough. I realized that it was just no use to search any longer after so many years. My Mom past away in the year 2000, that was a shock for me. I took care of my sad and difficult Dad afterwards for almost 3 years. He had several suicide attempts, and I just couldn't handle him anymore. I lived on my own after all that, all alone looking for friendship and love.

And there was Saf, who has been trough so much pain, a cheating husband, many lies from him, kids who suffered cause the Father wasn't there, a horrible escape from Egypt to Canada with her kids, many tears, and stress, to much to write it all down. She fought for her kids, more then you'll ever know. Her kids were always first, and then came she. But deep inside she needed love and friendship aswell.

So, there you have it, two persons both looking for love and friendship, or just a good time, away with the old, the past is the past. The excitement was there, and maybe we got carried away a bit to much. Blind in our decisions, not knowing what could happen in the future. Was it needed to know what could happen? No! it wasn't needed to know what could happen, we had a good time, and we continued, this felt for sure good after all the pain in the past. It's all we needed. So, why not?  two persons in love and both very happy, we stepped in the roller coaster of love. And it felt good!

Why do I sum this all up? What is it worth it? Is it needed? It's not needed, but sometimes I'm thinking back to the days when I was in Canada, not so weird cause it's still fresh. I'm aswell  trying to figure out why we didn't match in the end, and certainly the facts why I couldn't handle sometimes this  super large family. It was sometimes difficult to handle things, it was a huge step ofcource coming from a place where I lived all alone into a house where it was full.

But I'm sure NOT blaming myself for making that decision. And for sure NO regrets what so ever.  I had great time and so did Saf and her kids. And we both did our stinking best to be together, and to let it work. I don't see the break up between us as a ending of our friendship. Like I said, they mean to much for me, these 3 years I lived a life where I could only dream of. I can surely say that I see them as Family!  Bless them!!