"Nerves."

 "Nerves."

I was up at 5: 30 am, afraid to sleep further, cause it will be 8:45 am in a no time. At 8:45 my counselor will pick me up and drive with me to Humanitas. I don't like to rush things, so I got up (early) and did what I had to do. A little bit of packing, (the most packing I did last night) I made breakfast and some lunch for later, and now I'm on the laptop. I got the nerves when the time went a bit faster in the morning, I just don't know what to expect, what kinda people are their? are they bad? are they nice? Can you trust them? Thinking of it makes me nerves, and makes me wanna cancel it all. But I have to go, cause I need to move on, there is no other way!I can't stay here. Funny though, that it's different now then 4 or 5 years ago, If they would offer me then a job or something else what is important, I would have thought twice, maybe it's the fact that I didn't really had to, there  was no forcement, I was good.  And now there is this huge forcement, I have to! Even though I'm dead nervous, I want to go now, just to get it over with. It's 8:55 now, he's late. Hurry up!

Finally 10 minutes after 9:00 and he arrived. He told me that he would have a  small car yesterday, but when I saw the car, it was bigger then I thought it was. I guided  him in and we took the heavy suitcases in his car, I told him about my bike but he didn't want to take more luggage in the small car. I gave the bike to the owner of the summer house to let her keep an eye on it, "I will pick it up later this week," I told her. I couldn't pay the owner for the last three weeks, and I felt still bad, that's why I left the rest of my food and groceries in a big shopping bag and gave it to her. The shopping bag was huge and it was full, I thought I wont need it at Humanitas, I don't even know if there's a kitchen. It was time to go, and I was still  dead nervous, where I should actually be happy and excited. The normal nerves I guess. 

When we arrived in Almelo, (The city where Humanitas is settled), I remembered the times  when I was here before. When I was still a kid, my Mom and Dad and I used to walk over the market here. It sure has changed in Almelo, I saw alot of huge buildings what I never saw before. We were nearly there and I didn't expect Humanitas was settled here and sure not in this street in the middle of the centre. It was a huge building, in a busy street. The owner shook my hand when we walked in and we grabbed a coffee and sat down for an introduction talk. It felt good, and the nerves went less. After our talk my counselor went further to another appointment and I took my suitcases to my new room. The building inside felt like a huge maze, I got lost with my heavy suitcase more then 6 times. Stairs up and down, and lost again. I needed help from others to find my room again, the heavy suitcases felt heavier and heavier.

My room number is number 15. The room is small, small but okay. There is one desk, one closet a small fridge and one bed, that's it. The owner told me that this is a kind of a crisis emergency, it's still a question if I can stay here for 8 months, so that's why this small room. But I was perfectly fine with it. On the desk I saw a bin with forks, knifes, spoons, and other kitchen tools, and further pans, pots and dishes. I wil  have to make my own food, I get 40 Euro once a week every Thursday and there you buy grocery for, I think it's not that bad. I went right away after I putted my suitcases in a save place to the local supermarket. When I was done with my grocerie shopping I still had lots of left over money from the 40 Euro. And 'damn,' I thought about the shopping bag I gave to the owner of the summer house, I thought I wont need it here, but they HAVE  a kitchen here!
 

 The pots and pans I was getting, to make my own meal.

 The little tiny fridge on my room, not much but good enough for me.

 This is what they called the 'crisis room', a room what you get when there's an emergency when you suddenly need a place to stay.

One single bed, it's not big but big enough for me. I slept pretty good the first night.

I bought everything I needed, well almost, in the end I forgot so many things. On the last moment I still had to buy a few groceries. I need to adjust here and that takes time. But I like it here. It was calm and quiet where I first was, that was good for me, cause I needed the rest. Now it's time for the next level in my process, I'm moving on. People at Humanitas are nice and friendly. Even the residents here are friendly, even though some don't look like it. It's a city with lots of people, when I want to calm down or need a rest, I will go to my room and lock my door, just like everyone else does. The good thing about Almelo is that they have a lot of agencies where they can find jobs for me. You walk in with your resume and you fill in a form and done. Well, not really done, cause they still need to find a proper job for you, and that takes time. I think I saw more then 12 of those agencies. 

I think I will spend one day or a afternoon to visit some of them, cause I still need a job.What will happen next with me? What's on the next program? Next Tuesday I have a appointment with the owner and with my counselor. We will have a talk about  wether I can stay here for the 24-hour program or not, Cause now I'm just here cause I didn't had a place to stay, well, I had but, it was much to expensive, and my time was up there. The reason why Humanitas took me in is called a 'emergency call'. Either way I have less worries now, and that's a relief. But still no job and income, Friday I will have to call with Gak again and my counselor is keeping contact with the government, cause Humanitas needs to be payed aswell, not by me but by them. Still lots to do, it keeps my thoughts a bit laway from Canada. Yes, I still miss Saf and the kids, specially the kids. 

When I think of them for only two seconds I get it hard again. But you know what? In the end I will still miss them but I will have a better feeling about it I guess. But were not there yet, those missing feelings and sad feelings will come back. In the end it will all be a good memory! No more sadness then, I hope, though I will never, never forget them. I really had a great time with Saf and I know for 1000% I will visit them again. Keeping contact with Saf and the kids means alot to me. I have a good feeling about the future, it feels good. 

 #A little confession: in the evening before I go to sleep, I put a picture from Tasn on my night table. Weird?  No, cause I miss her, and this way doing that makes me feel good, so, not weird for me.