"Warm, warmer,warmst!"

"Warm, warmer,warmst!"

The weather is nice outside but inside my little room it's just to warm. If I open the window in the evening the musquitos will come, I will see if I can build two screens for my windows at work, good idea, right? I need a window open in the night during summer, otherwise I will melt away. Today I spent some money again, there was the first half of the grocery, the second half I will do tomorrow, and there was the pressie for someone's birthday in Canada. The 1st of May, so I guess it arrives perfectly on time. I had to fill in a paper at the postoffice, writtting down what was in the present box and it needed a autograph. No problem!

Lately at Humanitas things are going not so well, there is to much complaining from the  residents. This is not good and that is not good, the staff this and the staff that. The behaviour from the residents isn't so good either, that's why the staff from Humanitas organized a resident meeting on the 27th of April. I'm looking forward to it, I haven't got much to complain, it seems I'm the only one not complaining, lol! Sometimes when I hear the residents talk about Humanitas, I'm suprised that it's not happening to me, maybe there overreacting or they wanna act tough.

Some stories I heard from the residents, "I pay way to much rent for my room, the staff's behaviour is rude, hygenie is way out of line here, the washing machines need to be fixed, the toilets are a mess," etc, etc. But the staff is complaining aswell about the behaviour from the residents. Some people are rude, some people are drinking alcohol in there rooms (what is not alowed) nasty pranks between residents, and for the third time in one month the fire alarm went off without any reason.

There was a fight with words last night between two residents, it was a guy and a woman. They have a room next to each other, and apearantly the guy's music is to loud. This woman just got here 3 days ago and had already a fight with her 'other' neighbor a day ago. The first fight was about a washing dryer that the woman turned on at 11:30 pm, the washing dryer made alot of noise and the door was open. (we have a little washing area with a washing machine and a dryer. The neighbor came outside his room and started to insult the woman about the dryer, (he was a bit tipsy) it went almost out of hand.

I talked to the lady a few days ago, she is a nice lady but complained that she didn't like it here at Humanitas, and she wanted to go as soon as possible. She is a complainer, I think she has a lot of stress inside her and she needs to calm down. If your knew here at Humanitas and you start to complain and let out your stress out towards  other residents, then your asking for problems. About the second fight, I can be short.The woman is full of stress, and has it difficult with relaxing. Every little thing what annoys her is bothering her huge. The loud music from the neighbor was a pain for her, but it wasn't that loud at all.

I was drinking coffee with her outside last night together with Frank, the neighbor had his music on and she complained again. (again, the music wasn't that loud) The neighbor tried to solve the loud music many times but no use, the neighbor even tried to solve the fight aswell three times, but no use. The rooms here have thin walls, he has his desk against the wall with the speakers under the desk, pointing towards the other wall. Now she has her desk at the same wall as he has, not so smart, right? He turned the music way down last night,  just that you can just hear it, but still. He came outside and tried to talk to the woman but it was getting out of hand. 

The talking towards each other went louder and louder, the staff had to come outside to ease them both. A guy and a woman from the staff came, and told them both to be quiet or go solve this fight inside the building. I stayed out of this, cause I don't want to get in trouble. I drank my coffee, and heared them and saw them. I think the best solution was to take them both to the office with a staff member and have both a good talk, or a different set up from there rooms. Maybe even split them up. The woman took off on her bike after the fight, He (the neighbor) gave up on solving the fight and disliked her from now on. Not a pleasant atmosphere, I tell you. It doesn't bother me that much, I get along with everyone, or trying too. 

So, yeah the resident meeting, The staff wants to get the nice atmosphere back , I hope they succeed. Some points the staff wants to discus are: House rules, old and new ones, fire alarms, chores, atmosphere under the residents, robbing and stealing. The resident themselves can make notes too, notes what they complain about. I have a few complains but not alot. In my eyes the staff needs to organize  things more with the residents, soon we will have Easter but there's no one, and nothing, nothing to do. A nice lunch together would have been nice, so that all residents are together and talk and have fun. Further the cleaning chores, it's always the same people who clean. And the rubbish some people make, clean up afterwards, it saves alot of cleaning in the end of the week. It's so easy.


Today was nice, ofcource with such weather everything is nice. Everything went well, the fight from last night was not mentioned. Good Friday today, the Friday before Easter. On this day Christians commemorate the crucifixion and death of Jesus on Calvary near Jerusalem. Thank you Wikipedia, aaah! Shame one me, when I was a kid my Mom and Dad teached me this. I was brought up Catholic, and went to church every Saturday or Sunday. When I got older, we only went with the Holidays, Easter, Good Friday, Christmas. Do I believe? Yeah I believe, but not in a extreme way like Christians do. I should go to the church with Easter, it's an idea. I will let you know if I went, I will surely think about it!

Sjon-shinny-day!

Sjon-shinny-day! 

Another nice day at work, I made a wooden side-table again. This side table was a bit bigger then the ones I made before. It was warm, with our breaks we sat outside in the sun.When I came back from work I saw Frank at Humanitas, Frank is the one who recently got himself a new house. But apearantly he doesn't seem to like it, he keeps comming back every weekend. Sigh! Makes me a bit tired though, if Frank is around he is usually with Johannus. And they both invite me to have a little drink, that's okay but sometimes I like to be my own aswell, surely after a working day, but anyway, being with them can be fun too. I'm not complaining.

It's the weekend for me, as always at Thursdays. This weekend will be Easter-weekend, did I planned anything? Not yet, I think I will just let it come over me. Maybe they will organize here at Humanitas something, but I doubt it. I could go to my Dad, but I don't know. I will see what I will do, I think at my Dad's place they will organize something for sure, it's all good. I don't really like such Holidays, like Easter or Christmas, it's nice when you have a huge Family. While being with Saf and her kids it was nice during the Holidays, there was always something to do with the Holidays, and if there was not nothing to do, then they will organize something.

How am I doing? 

I'm doing better, not feeling jolly and all happy, but I'm doing better then 2 months ago. The 'No contact' is a bless, I wasn't doing the No contact to offend or hurt Saf or the kids, but it was needed to heal me. I explained them that and I hope they understand. I still love them! The thoughts of the Family are less, the kids though, I missed the most, and still a bit. So now and then I have a little peek on my old Facebook account to have a look at Noor and Mar's pages. Sometimes I sent them a message, just a 'hello,' or a 'how are you.' But these little peek's are becoming less aswell. It's all good, it's fine, I'm progressing! But I still care.

I realized (strange enough) that I have my life here now, I knew I won't return back to Canada. All the thinking of Saf or the kids didn't help me further, ofcource, I still sometimes think of them, but it's goes alot easier then two months ago, I can give it a place now and that's what I did. It's alowed to think of them. I'm still building up my life, and I think me and Saf  are in peace with each other that we  both go our separated ways. It's fine and good in my head I can continue with my building. You know, sometimes I  came to a certain point in my proces that I got tired, tired of trying everything to ease the pain. Then I wanted to leave it all and just let it all be. And I tried it a few times, I'm now at a point that things and thoughts go easier. 

I know what was hurting me the last 3 months, and still a bit it hurts. I wanted companion and a family around me, a loving wife. Then all of a sudden Saf showed up with 5 gorgeous kids, and we had a huge click and we fell in love. "I must be dreaming," I thought, but it was reality! Looking back now at this past, I miss the things we had and the things we did in our relationship. I miss the kids and miss the family things. I'm not so missing Saf anymore, I missed her the first month but I can give that a place  in my head aswell. She has her own life now with someone new. It's fine, thinking of that hurted me, but it's less now.It's fine.
 Although the companion of someone around me, an arm around me or someone to wake up to in the morning. That is all gone now, and that hurts still a bit. 

Funny thing, I told this story aswell to my counselor Linda, after she asked me how I was doing. Afterwards she asked me if I wanted again children, I told her, "Hell yeah!" Having kids is the best thing ever happend to me, although I was the Stephdad.  But children again? I hope it, really! But my age, darn!  I wish I was 10 years younger, lol! But who knows. 

"Progressing slowly."

"Progressing slowly."

Had a rough night, but I feel good,  a tiny little musquito kept me awake almost the whole night. I couldn't catch the little monster, hopefully this comming night he or she will let me sleep. Some 'tag' words for tonight's sleep, lavendel onion, garlic, Deet, fabric softner sheets,wish me luck. I had a good appointment with my counselor Linda this morning, progress was the keyword. We accomplished a few things, and I'm happy with that. We did a few payments what needed to be done, first the first half of the money what had to be payed for the 'summer house'where I stayed last February, that's done. The second half of the payment has to be payed before the 1st of September, I have absolutley no worries about that. 

I'm getting every week the 40 Euro for food, and I think I told before that I made a start with saving some money from that food money. Today I counted it what I have saved, and it was alot. I saved 95 Euro in one month, today I putted this money together with my income what came in last Friday, so I could pay a part of the summer house.
The care allowance has to be payed back aswell, remember I told about the 76 Euro I have to pay every month till I get to the amount of money they want me to pay back? This paying back will take me 2 years, and I have to start with the paying the 1st of May. Now here's the thing, I asked again for care allowance every month, just like I had before I went to Canada. and they agreed, I will get every month care-allowance (70 Euro). AND I have to pay back every month care allowance (76 Euro). Are you still there? So I will get nothing but I also don't have to pay anything, right? right. No worries here for either.

Ricardo fell, I play almost daily soccer with him.

His little brother, Dylano.

 So much to pay but, were getting there. Linda explained me a few times about the care-allowance, recently my head is full with information, so sometimes people have to explain me things a few times more often. I never been in such situation, back in the days when I lived on my own, it was a piece of cake, cause I had everything in order I could overlook everything. But this is different, there is so much stuff going on. I told Linda aswell this morning, that I would like to take it easy so I can follow it, if anything goes to fast I will give a yell. I want the posibillity to overlook everything, no rush. I told Linda this after she told me, that it would be wise to stay not to long here. "I know you can handle things, Sjon." she told me.That's nice of her, but still, I have no rush!

I went to the pharmacy today here in Almelo, I asked if they could transfer medication from one city to another city.It would be very handy if I could get my thyroid medication here, instead of traveling up and down every 3 months from city to city. I still have to go back and forth to Nijverdal (My old town) to get my medication. Next week I need new ones, the pharmacy in Almelo told that it's not possible. I thought it would be easy, just a phonecall and done. I will see how I do that next week. Maybe the pharmacy in Nijverdal has a solution.

Waiting for the coffee!

coffee break has started!

It was another sun shiney day today , just a bit cold in the morning. I should have bought something for the musquito tonight, my plan was to buy a lemon and do something with that. but okay, I think I will manich one more (sleepless night) It's warm in my room, but I deffo do NOT open a window. No more musquitos for me, please. Tomorrow work waits again, I'm happy, things are not so smooth between everyone here. People who live here, the staff, I don't know, alot of complains and little argues. I think we could use some more time 'together,' maybe it's an idea for comming Easter.

"Insert tittle."

"Insert tittle." 

I haven't come up with a tittle yet, maybe I just let it stay this way, lol. Kinda funny! I'm exhausted from the last 8 hours, I had a good day at work, with here and there some pressure. Work was fun and good, we had some good laughs, and the work was nice. In the late afternoon there was some 'hurry ups' with three huge wooden plant crats, I made a start with the crats, and all of a sudden the customer was waiting for them. My boss helped me out, and we were flying trough the building. I was a bit nerves, cause I don't like to be pushed around, and I  was getting a bit out of breath. Don't forget this is still a project where I'm working and not a real factory. But okay a little pressure can happen sometimes,we finnished the three crats on time and the customer was happy.

I like the work I'm doing at Reha, although with the hay fever at the moment it's a bit less,but okay ,there are worser things. My colleagues are nice and funny, recently we have a new guy and he's just to funny. He can be rude funny, like he can insult you but doesn't mean it really. It's just a joke, just that sometimes his behaviour is kinda anoying. When I came back from work I had to sit for a while, I was exhausted but felt satisfied. Thank God for a day of tomorrow, I'm sure  I will enjoy the warm weather here. Such a beautifull day today, and it will be even warmer the comming days. I'm not complaining I love this weather. 


Tomorrow my counselor Linda will be back from her short Holiday, we got some things to do and arrange. My appointment with her is tomorrow at 9:30 in the morning, right after the coffee-break. I think I will skip the cleaning chores, I need to go in town too. Someone's *couch, birthd, couch*ay, is commi*couch*ing up, gonna buy a little *couch*press*couch*ie. I bought Noor one, Tasn one, and now it's Ab's turn, Mar is in June and Cle's in November or September, I need to check that out. I miss Saf's kids, love you guys and I always will, no matter what! 


Talking about kids, today after Work there was Johannus's 7 year old son at my door again, aaww, he likes me alot. I told him yesterday, (I letted him in) that after a working day I won't be able to play soccer cause I'm tired after work. He understood but he comes anyway to ask me, lol, damn cute kid, Ricardo is his name, blue eyes and short blond hair. He can be a very naughty little boy but his cuteness forgives it all, I told him that Wednessday I have no work so we might go play soccer then for a little while. It's sad though that such kid is here with his Mom, Dad, and little brother here at Humanitas. 


According to his Dad they lived on the streets for 3 months, but I'm not sure I should believe that. They lived in there car and spend the night at Family, in the daytime they just drove around and went out so now and then. I just don't know, it could be tough talk, I just can't imagine them driving around for 3 months in a car. They tell many stories what I think, hmm, yeah, right! But anyway, I haven't got much to say today, can you tell? lol! I had a nice and fun day, and that makes me happy. That's all I have to say, I think that's enough, right? 


See you tomorrow!

"Who said money ain't everything?"

"Who said money ain't everything?"

I had 2 mails in my post-tray today, near by the office in the Humanitas building are many post-trays, from people who live here. Everyone has there own tray. The two mails came from my care-allowance, I was already expecting maill from them. I have to pay money back, and it's alot of money. Why do I have to pay it back?  Well, before I went 'for good' to Canada, I had to stop this 'care allowance,' cause it's not alowed that they pay you every month when your overseas.But I totally forgot to stop them, together with a few other things, it was a hectic, moving month back in October 2009.

Care-allowance is a contribution by the Dutch government for the premium for health insurance affordable for everyone. Whether the claimant is entitled to care allowance and how much is predominantly a function of: its household composition (such as single, family, partner) and the height of the (joint) income. The Tax/Benefits provides payment of the allowance. The care allowance is intended for applicants with a minor (combined) total income. (Thank you, Wikipedia and Google translate) 

 So yeah, the payment. This company want me to pay alot of money, and they came with two options. First option is, I can pay them the whole sum of money all at once. (Sure!) If I do that I have to pay the whole amount before the 30th of May from this year. The second option sounds more reasonable, Installmens, I can pay them in 24th months, 23 times I pay them 76 Euro, then the 24th month I pay them 57 Euro, then I'm done. If I do that I have to pay the first amount of 76 Euro before the 30th of may from this year, plus I have to pay interest if I do it in installments. Sigh! "I wanna be a millionaire... sooo frigging baaad!"

 
I know what it is to live in not-wealthy, my parents and I have been there, we didn't know else. We came by and that's it. I can be very carefull with money, I can go into shops and have a look around and just don't buy anything, I will just look. I can walk in to grocery shops and buy the cheapest food and only what I need. That's defenitly a must at the moment, I really have to take care of my money. I'm still saving money from the money I get every week from Humanitas (Food money, 40 Euro) www. Howtobecomeamillionaire.com 


Work was nice today, again I worked with wood. I finnished the child-seat-set, two tables, two 2 -seats, and two 1-seats. I really like to work on such things, but ofcource it can't be always fun. I had to saw alot of laths today aswell and drilled many holes into the same laths, boring work but it was okay. Tomorrow our boss wants to bring a self made cake to work, she did it before, nice right? Sometimes one of the guys at work bring something to eat, or I should say something to snack. Me? I should aswell bring something one day. Money, sigh! I will tell tomorrow how the cake was, for now I have to stop writting otherwise my coffee gets cold!

“After enlightement, the laundry"

“After enlightement, the laundry"

Just had a tiny bit of laundry today, I thought, what the heck, I will just throw it the machine. Yesterday the washingmachine on the second floor was broke, If you wanted to wash you had to hold the button. On the first floor the washingnmachine worked, (I thought) I pressed the button and the machine made noise. Meaning it worked. After five or six hours I came back, I totally forgot about the wash, and still the washingmachine wasn't done. It still had to spin, but it refused to do that.

I pushed many buttons, putted it of and on, and finally it spinned and I waited till my wash was done.This morning the same thing, I putted the wash in the machine, added washpowder, and pushed the button. The machine made noise again, it worked, I thought! After a few hours I had a look but nothing happened, the wash was still in the machine, dirty. Another guy looked at it but, nothing helped. It's broke, both washing machines are broke now. There's always something going on here, lol, things brake and they won't be fixed. I could make a washing list what all has to be fixed here. I wonder what there going to do with the two broken washingmachines, fixing it by a fixer or buy two new ones?

I had a good day today, I felt better then yesterday. I need to stop whinning, I know, cause it doesn't change anything, and it doesn't help me move forward. Eermm, in a way it does help me a bit forward cause the grieving, whinning and feeling sad is a part of the healing. I need to let it out, let out my emotions instead of cropping it all up, right? I woke up at 7:15 am, a nice and a good time. I took a shower and putted comfy clean clothes on. Today I planned a rest day, meaning doing not much. And that's what I did. 


I cleaned a bit my room and made some food, at 6:30 pm Johannus's Son knocked on my door, just like yesterday he wanted to play soccer with me. How can I resist a cute kid? It was fun, and I was suprised I actually got some soccer talent aswell. We played for an hour and that was long enough, he had to go to bed cause tomorrow it's school for him again. I have been re-reading my blog a bit today and it was quit interesting, specially the Humanitas part. When I first walked in here I was nerves and now I'm actually doing well. 


I also red about parts that I still felt extremely attached to Saf and her kids. I guess it was still so fresh a few months ago, the trip back from Canada to Holland went fast. There I was sitting on the couch in Barrie, Canada,with my suitcases packed, within 8 or 9 hours I was already in Holland, away from the Family and alone. Now a few months later I don't have that extremely attached feeling, I still care about them and love them, but I can handle it easier now then two months ago, I can give it a place and keep the memories. 


I wrote about meeting them, I was so sure to meet them again this year, I even searched online if it was possible in my state that I have been ilegal to return to Canada. I can say now, sure I would like to meet them, but I don't think it would be appropiate to do such thing at the moment. But who knows?(I would LOVE to see Tasn again though) But for now I will say, no, sure I would like to travel in the near future but other countries first. My goal is to not sit on my @ss, and just live my life like I use to do back in Holland. I wanna live! I wanna see the world and do things, accomplish things. I'm 43 damned! LOL! 

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

A thundercloud and rain in the morning and in the late afternoon sun and slightly a clear sky, those were my moods today. Sorry, to complain again, I wish myself it was easier too.  I wish my thoughts would have a 'mute' button sometimes, so I can switch it off whenever I think of Saf or my life in Canada. This morning it was that time again, I just looked around in my room and I thought, "This room looks like a cell in a prison, I had it better in Canada," then the whole thinking proces starts...

Thinking up loud...

I know Saf and I both have gone seperad ways but, is it fair to think it's 'unfair' that she is living with her new lover in her bungalow having fun living her life and feel all jolly in Canada? And I'm here back in Holland, trying to build up my entire life, laying at the moment on a cheap bed in a small room in a building for homeless people.

Is it fair, to think it's 'unfair' that her new lover is prolly having fun with her kids? Specially the two youngest kids, I took care of them for a long time, I washed them, feeded them, put them to bed or put them for a nap, took them out for a walk, a bikeride, or to the park. It's so hard to imagining them being with her new lover and 'he' does all that. Just thinking up loud.

Is it fair, to think it's 'unfair' that they all back there in Canada having fun and live there lives normaly? And I'm not.

I know I shouldn't all think these thoughts, perhaps there not even that happy as I assume but this morning it flashed trough my mind. I know I need to let her live her life and I have to live MY life and move on. But just so now and then aarrgghhh! IT'S FEELS UNFAIR! Sorry, I needed this to get of my chest. I know there's no such thing as fair or unfair, Saf has her life and I have mine. I think it's a part of losing anything, being a little p!ssed off, especially if you have lost someone, I should feel like it's unfair. I will keepmy head high
.

On with the day! After a little nap I washed my face, washed my hair and shaved my face, putted my shoes on and  went off to do my duties off today. I needed to buy a gift for 'someone,' cause I bought the 'othern ones' to a gift for there birthdays, it was fun to do. Shopping on Saturday is hell though sometimes, I was at a toy store and it seemed that every kid of the city was there. Throwing with balls and screaming, but okay, that are kids. I picked the toys and payed them, I was satisfied.

On to the grocery store and the post-office. At the post-office I bought a card, it was hard to find a card with a english text in a Dutch store, but I succeeded! I bought the stuff I needed in the grocery store and went home, well home, to my room I meant. I felt a bit better, better then this morning. funny though that thoughts can sometimes change, then you think bad about something and then you think it's okay, but the situation is the same. I should stop thinking, but that's easier said then done. 


I had a nice little chat with someone on Facebook, she gave me a few tips. Sigh! I should chat more with my friends online, I just don't know what to say all the time, lol! Here are the tips 'she' gave me...

"One day I decided that every single time I felt sad and sick, I would talk myself out of it.
I would sit up and say OUT LOUD, NO! I am NOT going to let this get me, I am NOT going to keep doing this to myself. And the biggest thing? I told myself, she is not there crying and sad so why am I? Everytime the sinking feeling would come I would do just that anything.

"NO, I AM NOT GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS!" And I would immediatlely get up and do something else, tell yourself I am crying, but she is not. I will live too. When you feel this loneliness, get out of your room and go out into the streets, do some window shopping. Buy yourself a coffee or an ice cream do something you like that makes you feel good.

Sounds good right? Although, the 'out loud saying' I don't know, I think I will wispher it or shout it out loud in my head. Cause they might think I'm going nuts, lol. Thanks for the tips J. your a gem! 

"Sjon is busy building up his life after comming back from Canada."

"Sjon is busy building up his life after comming back from Canada."

That was the tittle on the piece of paper what my counselor gave me this morning. On the paper was more information about me, about what has to be done or already has been done. I like the tittle, although it's kinda sad for me to read or perhaps for others, but it challenges me aswell if I read it. Like, okay I'm building up my life, I'm ready for it, show me what you got! C'mon! The counselor appointment was okay, but not with a happy ending, we both decided there was no help needed further.

It sounds akward to hear that I didn't need help, I'm still a bit hmm, I don't know. We had a good talk while he asked me how I was doing, "Your doing alot of stuff, and that's suprises me, good job!" he told me. At the end of the conversation my counselor kinda asked me what he can do for me. I told him first that I devide my problems in two categories, one category is the so called paper bussines. My income, my usarances, looking for a house, looking for a job, bills, etc, etc. The second category I haven't named yet, it's about my grieving, missing Canada, Saf, the kids, feelings and thoughts, etc, etc. Category one is going slightly well, but category two is not going so well.

I'm still having the ups and downs, and sad thoughts. I know it takes alot of time and I know there will be a time when I will be happy again. Although all that I still asked my counselor for help, then he asked me what kinda help I needed, "What can I do?" he asked me. I couldn't answer him, I mean, what can he do? What do I need? I don't know. I could drop by every week for a talk and see how I'm doing but he didn't want that. He kept talking about "You still have to do it all yourself," he could give me advice and he could hear my stories every week, but in the end it's all up to you. I understood him, but still I don't know. It was difficult to explain him things, I couldn't find the right words what I needed to explain him things.

Yes,I can heal myself, and I know it takes time and that's all. I'm doing the things I need to do to get over this proces, I'm writting things of me, (Blog) I'm doing the 'No contact,' I deleted and blogged things from my computer and internet. I told my counselor this aswell, and he told me that I'm doing a good job, I did and do alot of stuff. And yes, further he can't do much for me. It's all up to me now.

It was a nice day today, the weather was good, not to warm and not to cold, with alot of sunshine. The weekend will be good too, so I heard. Johannus (remember him?) will pick up Frank (rmember him?) today to stay the weekend over. Frank has a house for himself now, but Johannus and Frank have build up a good friendship, that's why the invite from Johannus. Tonight we will both have a little drink in Johannus's room, I'm kinda looking forward to kit. I bought some munchies aswell for them, cause they offer me food to sometimes. 


Update~

Today was suppose to be the day, that I should pay a part of my health-insurance, but my counselor Paula has a short holiday. The other girl from the office didn't know what to do and how much money had to be payed, I didn't know either. Next wednesday I have a appointment again with Paula, we will both handle things of then. So much to do! 


I'm doing well, still grieving but I accept that, cause it's normal. But I feel a challenge aswell, I want to work on my thoughts and sadness. I will start this weekend, everyday a little part.

Let it be

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

"Let it be."

"Let it be."

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.And it's easy as it says here, right? Well, sometimes yes and sometimes no! I had the song 'let it be' from the Beatles in my head almost all day, and I liked it. I wish I had the song everyday in my head, okay I'm overreacting. But think of it, when someone is comming to you with a problem and we both can't solve it, just sing, Let it be! Or when you think of a problem yourself or your feeling sad and you can't solve it, just sing, Let it be! More about this song later on in this post.

Today was good! (thinking positive) I worked on two wooden child seats at work and a table. Mini tiny child seats, there so cute, it's actually a set. The set comes with one table, two seats, and a one 2-sitter,I almost finished one set today. I worked alone on the set, with sometimes some advices from my boss. Two times today the boss sent me two new guys, and they had to help me. I'm so bad in doing that, telling someone what to do. I mean I don't mind working alone or working with another, but giving orders, I don't know. But it went okay, the new guys didn't stay long.

The day's are going fast when you work, it was 4:00 pm before I knew, at that time we clean up and go. Working with wood is not a fine thing though when it's hay fever season, I sneezed alot, thank god for nose-spray! After work I went straight to the church, for the free dinner, just like last night they served a nice meal. Today we had 'hutspot,' a dish of boiled and mashed potatoes, carrots and onions. As meat we had a smoked sauasage. 

Hutspot!

So, now I have actually weekend, Yay! But tomorrow will be a full day, first thing in the morning I will have the counselor at 10 am. I have to go to Nijverdal, and I will go by train, it's almost walking distance. I really have to visit my Dad one of these days, I haven't seen him in a few weeks. But I'm so tired after the week has ended, last weekend I took a nap two times a day. I could go tomorrow but it will be such a long walk, I will do it another time, I will 'Let it be,' for now. 

..."And when the night is cloudy, There is still a light that shines on me, Shine on until tomorrow, let it be. There will be an answer, let it be, let it be, let it be."

The song is still wondering around in my head, It's not my favorite song though from the Beatles. Paul McCartney wrote this song it was inspired by his mother I red somewhere, his Mom is called Mary, who died when he was 14. Many people thought "Mother Mary" was a biblical reference when they heard it. And I though the same, I thought they meant Mother Teresa.

More facts? 

Paul had a dream one night when he was paranoid and anxious. He saw his mom who had been dead for ten years or so; she came to him in his time of trouble, speaking words of wisdom. This brought him much peace when he needed it. It was this sweet dream that got him to begin writing the song.

This was the first Beatles song released in The Soviet Union. The single made it there in 1972.

'Let it be,' was played at linda McCartney's funeral. Paul, George, Ringo and Elton John came together to play this song for her memorial.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna listen to the song now, but first me make a coffee! 

"Carpe diem."

"Carpe diem."

A nice day today, although I had a slow start and I was feeling tired. The weather was perfect, it wasn't to cold or to warm, it was just right. The sun had it hard this morning, but later on the sun shined more and more. Wednesday cleaning chorses were there again, with the coffee break at 9:15 everyone (well,everyone?!) was getting something to do. Actually the staff asks you what you want to do. When it was my turn I automaticly choosed for the kitchen and dinning room on the second floor, cause I already made a little start on that last night. (What a mess) If everyone would do something, this building would have been a lot cleaner,but anyway.

After I cleaned the kitchen and dinning room I went for a nap, after that I had an appointment with one of the staff members. My counselor has a short holiday so a new staff member took things over from her.There were 2 little things needed to be done, what is important this week, I needed to write a resume and maybe in the end of the week I  can pay a sum of money to the summerhouse (where I stayed last February) it won't be the 300 Euro where they asked for to pay for the 1st of may, but the half of it. Cause my healt insurance needs to be payed as well. Money, money, money!

The resume was a tough job in the end, filing in information was easy to do. But, filling in the work information was difficult. I worked with many factory's after I was done with college, I didn't recieve a diploma from college, My Dad offered me a job in 3 shifts where he already worked. The factory was called Viplex pvc, and they made rainpipes and other stuff like that. Working in 3 shifts was tough, my first working day started right away in the nightshift. (10pm till 6am) I worked there for 3 years, after that I quited the job cause I really couldn't handle the 3 shifts. Working in a team wasn't my thing, I never worked and everything was new for me, I was called a working rookie.

After the Viplex, I had several and many other jobs, a month here and a few days there, then there a half year, etc,  etc. I did some schoolings aswell and followed a project with succes, I had a few welding diplomas and after that I got to work in a metal factory. Then I got a sick thyroid and I never worked again, you can blame my sick thyroid. I can tell a whole story about my working past and I'm sure I skipped alot of factory's and details about
my sicknesin this post. But to sum that all up is way to much to write down, specially on a resume. We kept it short the resume, and I'm happy with the result.

I finnished my laptop last night, but I made a few mistakes this afternoon. While starting it I lost 5 programs on my laptop what I downloaded last night, MSN, yahoo, Avast, Firefox and Ccleaner. I had to download it all again, and that was a hell of a job. Downloading MSN wasn't so fun aswell, struggling trough my hotmail I bumped into Saf's MSN profile picture aswell, (oops!) I didn't like what I saw, can you guess what it saw? It was Saf and her new boyfriend. I tried to find an option to in some sorta way get rid of the picture or find a solution to not see the picture. I didn't find it though, but You can only see the picture when you click contactpersons. So, I'm not gonna click it again. Sigh!

Yesterday I decided to throw my positive thoughts a little higher, I need to stop whinning about things, sounds easy right? Not, so! But I'll try. No more sadness or less sadness , it REALLY doesn't help me further, if I think of it. I'll try to make fun and enjoy the little things around me. People brag sometimes about, how I can be so friendly or so joyfull. Maybe I'm a good actor? I notice that I like to help people around me, giving advice if there lonely or sad, or help them when they have a problem. While I do that I think to myself, if I can help others why can't I not help myself then? After seeing Saf's MSN profile's picture I noticed that I'm sure not healed and not ready for brake the 'No contact.' When I think, "Oh, I'm feeling much better!" I guess I will think twice. I might level up the 'No contact' a bit further.

Time will heal me! The will is there for sure, Friday I have a meeting with the counselor, then I will talk about 'this' with him.

My ever changing moods...

My ever changing moods...

10 degrees colder then yesterday, it was the right choice to put a sweater on to work. Although it was colder it was also a nice feeling, nice and fresh. Today was another day at work, it was good but I was tired as well. I fell nearly asleep with our first break, and with the second break I felt down and.... I don't know. I had this annoying feeling over me, I felt sad, disappointed, it was one of the missing moments again. The feeling that you want to be alone, I didn't want to be where I was, I just wanted to be in Canada, with the kids and with Saf. Just memorizing the good old times. 

I was thinking the why's' and the 'I had to do this and that's again,  or the 'it could have been like this and that's.' Sigh! Thank God it only lasted for an small hour that down moment, after our break I went back to work, back to the last few card boards again. I only needed a few and then I was done with all of them, they came with a new order for the wooden child seats. And they wanted me to make a start with it, it kept my mind of things and thoughts. My head is sometimes such a mess, there is so much to do to build up my entire life.

For example, I need furniture and alot of more things. Most important is a fridge, a washing machine and a bed. Maybe I should saving some money now, although I heard from some guy here at Humanitas, that here in Almelo there is a some kinda community  who will give you a sum of money to buy furniture or other things for what a house needs. It's a sort of a project, sounds interesting. I was just thinking about it today, that I have just none furniture what so ever.


I told you about the Trojan horse I had on my laptop last night, it was okay and my Avast anti virus protected the Trojan. But it got weirder today, my browsers crashed so many times and I had so many pop ups, it was getting annoying. I decide to do a full system recovery, it was the second time because a few months ago I did the same. It took me one hour and I was back on the net, loads of downloading, but it's all good. I still need to download Windows Messenger, it's being a pain to download it though. 


I made a new appointment with my first counselor upcoming Friday, he's the one who got me at Humanitas. Everything is going well with my stuff, (bills, income, work) it goes slowly but steady. There is still a thing what bothers me and that is that I could get some help with my thoughts, my process and my healing.  That's why I called the counselor for an appointment, I'm doing slightly okay though but some more help is not bad for me, to get me further back on track. I can't let some things go in my mind, maybe it's not needed, but I don't know. 


I'm doing the 'No contact', but you can't really call it that, I still keep a bit of a contact. I message so now and then Mar and Noor on Facebook to ask how they are, In the 3 months I messaged them twice. I don't see the harm in that, but still, No contact is No contact. When ever I feel for it I message Saf to ask how she is, but I do that rarely. I sent Tasn, and Noor Birthday presences, and they both liked it. There will be maybe come a time that I will stop giving presences with there birthdays, or maybe smaller presences. I will just see.


Tiny little update...

I just had a message from my Hotmail, someone sent me a bunch of spam and now they blocked my account for a little while. I made a new hotmail account and my new e-mail adress is sonnie100dj@hotmail.com  The old account is history!

I think I got a horse on my laptop and his name is...

I think I got a horse on my laptop and his name is...

Trojan! I don't know how it get there, but so far so good 'Avast-antivirus,' keeps protecting it. I let a Avast run a full system scan while I'm writting this post . Please, don't let my one and only laptop not crash!

Today was another warm day, there was sun and warm degrees, 23 celcius. Tonight the weatherforecast forespelled rain and tomorrow almost 10 degrees colder. I like the rain at the moment, it's good for my hay fever. Today at work was good, I worked another full day, and still working on the card-board. Still need to do a few and then I'm done, it's about time cause it gets boring after 3 weeks. Today aswell we had some new workers at Reha, the new ones worked half days, to get used to the working place. They were nice guys.

Avast full system scan (36%)  eeek! ~ Avast keeps protecting it!

There are a few things to do this week, My counselor has a week of to celebrate her Holiday. I will get a another counselor just for one week, she will help me with something that needs payment. The summer house where I was needs 300 Euro before the 1st of may. That might be slightly a problem but we will see. In the end of this week I might get my care alowance payment. I keep my fingers crossed! Cause maybe then I can pay the people of the summerhouse already a sum of money.

Avast full system scan (64%) almost there! ~

I need this week or next week a bunch of new thyroid medications, and I want to check my blood to see how my thyroid is doing. It's about time, the last check was last year February. I'm feeling good though with my sick thyroid, I mean I feel like I always felt with this sick thyroid, tired and not much energy, and a few other sympthons. Not much changed, but checking my blood might give other answers.

Avast full system scan (89%) .....

the virus scan is almost done, let's see what I have to do. It said already I have one infected file. Okay Avast full system scan 100% is done!  One infected file, Avast asks me what to do with it, delete or save it. If I save it it stays there but it doesn't do a thing, (virus is dead) I choosed for deleting it, I have to restart the laptop, but I will do that later.


I would like to try something new~ 


Well, something new for the readers but old for me, even though it's old and it's a thing I don't really like, I would like to give it a try.... Everyday! I would like to write down in every post from now on 5 things what made me happy today. I did this as a homework when I was visiting counselors. Yeah In had a few. Now let's get started! 


5 things what made me happy today! 


1) It made me happy that I got up early and didn't slept over the time I wanted to get up. 


2) Working with the cardboard went pretty fast. 


3) happy that my horse 'Trojan,'  is vanished from my computer. 


4) Dinner was nice. 


5) That I found out that the Canadian Dollar is more then the Dutch Euro. 


Tomorrow another 5 things what made me happy 'that' day.

A bit of rain would be nice...

A bit of rain would be nice... 

It's warm and I'm trying not to complain, maybe the warmth in my little room is making me so sleepy. I could go outside but it's warm there aswell and the hay fever is on red alert. But it's okay, I'm doing some homework on the laptop and re-arrange my map with all my important mail in it. I like it when everything is in order and I like being updated with my mail. So, I can see what is done and what is not done. I think I broke my own personal record taking some naps the last 3 days, last Friday I had two naps, yesterday two naps and today aswell two naps. Just that exhausted feeling on my chest is making me sleepy. Good thing is that I feel better after a nap.

Last Friday I didn't do much, the things I wanted to do I skipped and told myself, "I will do it Saturday." Saturday I started with the laundry at 6:30 am, yeah, I was early. Doing laundry here means you have to be on time, there are only 2 washing machines, and it's always the question if they work this time. The washing machine on the second floor worked, I had two loads and it took me almost a day. The machines here aren't that big as in Canada, otherwise I would have one small load. It was nice weather and I decided that after my needed nap I will go outside to sniff some sunshine, I took my bike and went for a ride, it wasn't so busy on the streets, I guessed most of the people were in to town. 

And they were, after my bike ride I did some grocery shopping and the supermarket was packed. I was sure I took some money with me after I wanted to pay my grocery but I had my wallet but I forgot to put some more money in it. I had to use my bankcard, what I didn't use in months, I reminded that there was some money recently put on my account. I hoped it was enough, and it was, pffeeww! Last Friday night I spend sometime with Johannus and Frank in there room, actually Johannus's room, Frank was a visitor of Johannus cause Frank has a place for his own now. 

Frank was so happy with his house, lol, but the first night he called his buddy Johannus to pick him up, he was bored cause he had no tv and no internet. Today Johannus brought him home, he spent 3 days here. Last night I spend aswell time with them, sometimes it's fun with them and I look forward to it, but I like it to be on my own aswell sometimes. Maybe I should be more spending time with other people, I never been such a communicater, but I learned alot and I'm progressing with changes. Why not learn to communicate more then? right? But at the moment I don't feel like communicating much, only when I feel for it.


Today just before dinner Johannus's Son came at my door knocking, I thought, "Again asking me to play some soccer?" He ask me alot these days to play some soccer games, today I didn't feel much for it, I was tired. I opened the door and there he stood, Johannus's Son. He asked me, "Are you comming?" I thought, "Again?" But he meanted actually, come with us to MacDonnalds for a meal. I went with him and with the rest of the Family, I always feel guilty cause I can't pay them back, cause I'm broke. I asked Johannus, "Shall I bring some money?" He said, "I will pay." Sigh! Next time I will pay! 


A few updates.

Like I promised here are a few updates,  I will be getting a few bills what will be huge. There is the rent allowance what they payed me once a month while I was already in Canada, I had to stop this paying but I thought it would stop automaticly when I stopped the rent. Then the care allowance, I had to stop them aswell but I totally forgot them. They payed me too once a month while I was in Canada, it wasn't much but still. I will be getting a bill, and prolly I'm allowed to pay them once a month a small amount of money. Sigh, I wish I got rid of all these bills.

I need to call or message a few other usurances aswell they took money from me every month while I stopped them before I went to Canada, the company is called Ageon. I could use the money well, for my other bills, maybe they will pay me back the money what they took of me. 


So far the updates for now, My head is sometimes a mess, cause there is so much going on. I like to have things in order, like I use to have when I lived on my own. But now I'm in a totally other situation, I never been broke. I know though what it is to live with small money, I did it almost all my life. But I never been broke, I always took good care of my money. Even in Canada, maybe a bit to much. I learned that while being whit Saf, ofcource you need to spend your money together or when someone from the Family is in need of something what costs you, you are there for them, always! 

Tomorrow work again, we are getting a few new employers, let's see what they can do. It will be an early night for me, I need my sleep. So, I will say for now... 


"You are the first thing to enter my mind in the morning and the last thing to leave my heart at night. Good night blog!"

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ~William Shakespeare.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.  ~William Shakespeare.

The weekend has started, and I'm doing so, so, I'm still feeling a bit down but there's no reason too, or is there? Maybe it's the upcomming phonebill from Saf, afraid of what's coming, I really hope for no argues again this time. I still miss the Family, sometimes I feel good and I can continue in the things I have to do, but just that sometimes there is that heavy missing feeling. The last few days it feels like it's a double missing feeling, Don't know why, just because of the phonebill message from yesterday? Maybe, or maybe it's just a moment in my proces. I will get over this 'moment,' like I always do.

I didn't do much yesterday, I spend some time with the guys here. And being outside with the coffee break, was nice cause the weather was good. Some guys here have some really naughty behaviour, in there eyes it's making fun and jokes, they like to stir up things. A few days ago I told you about the soccer match a Johannus and Frank wanted to see on my laptop, I was actually planning to say no, and said no, but in the end I said yes (meaning no though, sigh!) In the end they watched the game on TV. In the first place the Dutch tv channels didn't want to broadcast this soccer game, but the Belgium channels did broadcast it. Yay, for my laptop. 

I went with them to watch the game, cause they insist that I came aswell, oh well. We watched the game in Johannus's room. Including his wife and the 2 little kids, the youngest one was already sleeping. The second one was being naughty and slept later, sigh, I really don't like that kid's behaviour, he's very naughty and his behaviour is to be ashamed of. Anyway, we watched the game and had a few drinks. It's actually not alowed to drink alchohol, but okay. The guys here when they drink, they drink alot. Me? I'm not that a drinker, I think I had 2 glasses and that's it. Johannus and Frank always try to get me more to drink, but I'm tough and keep saying, "No." 

I just don't like it, and I wish they wouldn't drink that much either. Sometimes there behaviour is to be ashamed off aswell, or is it just me thinking as a nanny? Or maybe it's just the way I am, I'm totally the opposite to most of the guys here, and no one is gonna change that. After the match Johannus, Frank and I were talking downstairs in the big dinning room and someone else joined us, an older guy named Harry. This guy is a nice, tough, guy but he had a bit to much to drink this evening, I could tell. Harry is known as a drinker, but I never saw him drunk though, tonight for the first time I did.


I don't like drunk people, specially here at Humanitas. Harry wanted to make a few pranks, and ofcource Frank and Johannus dared him to do it, they like to stir things up. The one they wanted to pull the prank with was Rene, it's always Rene, poor guy. Rene is a guy who is a bit weird and makes mistakes all the time, he can't take good care of himself. So now and then I speak with him, he works with me at Reha aswell. Rene was out this evening, and Harry wanted to put fast-glue in his doorkey, yeah, that's funny! Not! But he did anyway, and he wanted to push the fire alarm on later in the evening. Funny? No! Rene came back while I was in my room and you could hear him cursing, Harry was wondering around in the building. Rene called the nighporter to get his door open, his key got stuck in the door and it broke off, strong stuff that fast-glue.

Frank and Johannus got a hold on Harry and told him that Rene is on his way to Harry's room (not) to insult him and accuse him for pulling this prank. Harry got mad and went to his room, and there both started to curse at each other, the nightporter came between them to calm them down, with succes! Harry went to his room, and Rene went outside to get a ladder and get in his room trough a window. Rene is on the second floor just as me. I so don't like these kinda pranks, but it's common here as I have been told many times. Oh the stories I hear here sometimes. Some pranks are okay, you have to take them lightly, but some pranks, sigh! Maybe it's just because I'm not used to this kinda jokes, pulling a prank should be fun and afterwards you laugh about it both, the one who pulled the prank and the one who got pranked. 


But the prank night wasn't over yet, the firealarm was still not on. We all went to bed, and it seemed the prank storm calmed down. I was in my room to do some last Facebooking, then all of a sudden, 11:48pm, the fire-alarm went off. I thought right away, "Harry!" I didn't even close my laptop and went calm downstairs, it's a must to go downstairs when the firealarm goes of. Everyone was gathering around in the backyard, that's a rule we have to follow. Some were complaining and some were making little jokes. Johannus and his wife had the two little kids with them, half asleep, way to go Harry! It took a while when the firetruck came and it was cold, Harry stood at the gate and Rene stood somewhere else, miles apart from each other. After 20 minutes we could go back indside, a few fire men were still inside, searching for the firealarm button what went off. 


It was a long night, and secretly I hoped that Harry gets charged with these pranks. Pushing a fire alarm  as a joke will be charged, and ofcource it will cost Humanitas a sum of money when the fire truck has to come. But I learned here that you have to shut your mouth when someone is asking you, "who did it?"  it's better to stay out of such things, don't get involved. Everyone went back to bed, and Rene had to sleep with his door unlocked. Sigh!


A few updates.

I'm still looking for a doctor,  I need to call more doctors and get more adresses. My thyroid medication is almost done, I could get them in Nijverdal like I did last time. My healt insurance will pay for them. Talking about my healt insurance, My healtinsurance is running again as you prolly know. Though I still need to pay them aswell, every month I will get a 'acceptgiro with the sum of money written on it what I have to pay. An acceptgiro is a little yellow card what makes paying easier, you fill in your autograph and your banknumber and send it to the one who sent the acceptgiro. I have two acceptgiro's what still needs to be payed, it's from the month January and Frebuary.


The summer house where I stayed for 3 weeks in the month February  still needs to be payed aswell, the owner of that house and myself are emailing each other when I can pay them. The last email they they wrote came with a friendly proposal, they want me to pay one half of the bill before 1 May, and the second half of the bill before 1 September. Sounds reasonable, my counselor and I had already a talk about the 'summer house bill' before I got there proposal. I have my monthly income now completly settled, I got already my first sum of money of the month January and February. Although Humanitas took quit a sum of money off that income, it was for my rent of the room I have here.


Next week I will prolly get another sum of money, perhaps I can already send a 100 Euro to the owners of the summer house. Or I will send it just before 1 May, like the owners propose me. Ugh! So much to do and pay! Searching for a house? I'm not in a rush, first I want to get rid of my bills, and get my money in order. Although I registered to another housing corporation, in a city where I would like to live. This city is called Enschede. Enschede is a nice place, I always called it small Amsterdam. So now all in order I'm registred in 3 cities, Almelo, Hengelo and Enschede, I can look online for houses in these cities or they will call me when they have found a house. 

The ING online banking is settled, I can look online now what's comming in and what's going. Most of the money I will get will go to the bank where Humanitas is registred, they will keep an eye on my money until most of the bills has been payed. It is there job to keep an eye on that and they will help you with your guilts and bills, and they will give you advice in what to do best. Okay Sjon! <-- My name! That's enough writting for today. Tomorrow a few updates more and I will tell how the weekend went. For now I will say, 'Au revoir!