"Getting things of my chest... Giving it a place... Closing the page..."
I would like to move on, and continu my life. I have been trough a tough and difficult time, but I feel that's behind me now. Although I would like to get some things of my chest first, after that I would like to give it a place and then close the page. In think it will surely help me, otherwise it will bother me for a long time. Here we go...
My bad!
I have seen things from myself the last 2 and a half years what I even wasn't aware of I had it in me, sometimes I was suprised and thought, "Wow, look at me." But sometimes I was shocked aswell. I'm talking about the time I was in Canada, yeah again, Canada.
Complainer! I never complained so much while I was in Canada, why? I don't know, I shouldn't have complained. But, it's oblivious. Comming from a small family and living completely on my own for 6 years, then comming to a huge family what is alive and kicking was overwhelming indeed, I noticed like Saf told me. She asked me once if this all wasn't to overwhelming for me. I answered, "No, I love this, and I want this." I must admit that I complained alot, yes. I complained about the mess, the dirty dishes, kids not listening, etc, etc. I never been in such a thing it was 'new' for me. I complained the wrong way aswell , I never went to the person who deserved the complain, instead of that I went to Saf or any other one who didn't deserved the complain. My bad! I learned my lesson! Page closed...
Discipline! Suddenly I had five kids, I'm not complaining, I choosed for it to take care of them, I loved it, and I wanted it. I loved them all and still do. But how do you take care of kids? What is parenting? I felt like I dived into it, I jumped in the deep. But again, I wanted it and longed for it. Saf kids were cute and I wanted to take care of them, but I had it hard sometimes, when they were not listening. How do you tell a kid for the 5th time for example to leave a toy alone, if it's not yours? I left it, when they didn't want to listen, I gave up. Saf hated it, specially when I say the words "I give up." Wrong! I know. I sometimes couldn't believe that kids were not listening, or could be that naughty. I really had difficulties with telling them over and over again, or give them the right punishment, I would rather walk away and just leave it. Maybe I was frighten aswell that they will comment me saying to me, "your not even my real Dad," that happened a few times though. I was new to this, new in parenting and showing discipline to the kids. But I don't feel like I failed, oh no! The kids loved me, called my Daddy and begged many time for going to the park or for a bike ride, and begged for putting them to bed, and that is saying something. Either way I learned my lesson! I'm proud! Page closed...
Relationship! I never was in a relationship before, Saf was my very first girl I had a relationship with. Again, everything, absolutly everything was new for me being in our relationship! I knew it would be difficult. oh yeah! I jumped into this relationship without ANY, ANY experience. I never knew though that a relationship takes SO much more then only sharing the love. I literally had to learn the things the hard way, poor Saf and poor me. It made me feel immaturely, my bad! I learned my lesson! Page closed...
Temper! Yeah, I had a temper, I was suprised I had tempers. I never had them, never was aware I had it in me. Sigh, my tempers were bad, they just happened, well, not just, ofcource I had a reason for my tempers. If I was bothered about something and I couldn't express myself, (what often happened) I wondered myself of, just to shout or perhaps slam a door, my bad. Saf and I had sometimes issues or arguess, why? Well, in every relationship there are sometimes issues and arguess. Another why? See the writtings above you, I had so many things to deal with, so many new things, it was though,oh yeah! It sometimes frustraded me, I was frustraded about myself aswell, frustraded about why on earth I always screwed up again, after telling myself so many times, never do that again! I went for it and never wanted to gave up....
When Saf and I had a issue or argue I was the one who would like to solve it right away, just to get the peace back between us. I felt bad after every argue, I knew I was most of the time wrong and I would like to explain myself why I had this temper or frustration. But ussualy in every issue or argue Saf wouldn't say a word orshe would say a few words and then turn around and walk away and ignore me for a few days completely. Sigh! I knew we had problems with this in our relationship, and oh how I wanted to solve it, maybe a bit to much. I noticed that gifts or loving notes not always helps. And, YES, I had more tempers after we broke up, I felt bad and at the same time I was grieving, arranging my flight back to Holland, trying to get me a place to stay in Holland and dealed with Tammy in our house. It was mega frustrating, and yeah, I sometimes needed to get my anger out. I went alot of times for a walk, and my bad, I sometimes went to the garage to throw things. Not things what was from the Family but just garbage stuff, once I threw a little spade, and it went flying trough towards a wooden wall and it stayed in the wall. I was shocked and I thought, "This isn't me." I really needed to calm down, I cried a few times aswell in the garage or while walking, it reliefed. But oh, it was a tough time. My bad? I don't know, it doesn't matter aswell. I learned my lesson! Page closed...
Job! I needed a job for sure, I realized that, and I realize it now even more! The things I accomplished now in the last 4 months was harder to accomplish then finding a job in Canada. If I think of that now, I can knock myself for my head why I didn't work harder for getting a job in Canada. I sure needed a kick in the butt in Canada, my bad. Oh yeah, my bad. Though I had a little job delivering flyers while living in Barrie, Saf offered me the delivery to drive me, and helping me out. I was new to this, and oh my I though my heart stopped while I was done with my first round delivering flyers. 300 flyers, and I would get 30 cent per flyer. I enjoyed it a few times, the houses I saw were gorgeous! But I was nearly dead after delivering those flyers. This wasn't my job and the 30 dollars in the week didn't help much. It was tough to get a job in Barrie, where to go? where to find one? I even thought about going trough the streets and ask people to shovel snow of there driveway. But it didn't work out, my sick thyroid said no. My bad! Yeah, it was not an easy lesson to learn. How I see it now is, only when I really have to I can accomplish alot of things, that's my bad. But I learned from it! I grab everything what I need now here in Holland, only a shame I didn't do that while I was in Canada, I had it in me. Either way, Page closed...
I knew Saf wanted more from me, I was running the house, doing dishes, laundry and take care of the kids. I was aware that I had to stand up aswell and be a good Dad and be a good Husband, I needed to be responsible for the Family, bring in some money. But I just couldn't get started, now I knew why though, everything was overwhelming it was to much I could handle, I still felt like a stranger in Canada! I just didn't wanna give up, I floated trough our relationship,I tried to stand up and keep my head above the water, and never give up. But in the end I had too, Saf broke up with me, I saw it comming from miles away, but I didn't wanna admit it. I want to go further and further, I loved this family, I loved the kids. But in the end I had to admit it was way to much for me.
When I came to Canada for the first ten days, Saf bombarded me with love and lots of spoil moments, she treated me like a newborn husband, she had a plan,we had a plan. We both will work it out," she told me, I guess I stayed in these 'love, spoliled, moments, and kept on thinking, "We both will work it out." Yeah, one day, but that day never came, my bad? I guess I got spoiled to long by Saf, it was time for me to stand up and be a man! But it never happend, I became independed.My bad! Learned my lesson! Page closed...
I would like to move on, and continu my life. I have been trough a tough and difficult time, but I feel that's behind me now. Although I would like to get some things of my chest first, after that I would like to give it a place and then close the page. In think it will surely help me, otherwise it will bother me for a long time. Here we go...
My bad!
I have seen things from myself the last 2 and a half years what I even wasn't aware of I had it in me, sometimes I was suprised and thought, "Wow, look at me." But sometimes I was shocked aswell. I'm talking about the time I was in Canada, yeah again, Canada.
Complainer! I never complained so much while I was in Canada, why? I don't know, I shouldn't have complained. But, it's oblivious. Comming from a small family and living completely on my own for 6 years, then comming to a huge family what is alive and kicking was overwhelming indeed, I noticed like Saf told me. She asked me once if this all wasn't to overwhelming for me. I answered, "No, I love this, and I want this." I must admit that I complained alot, yes. I complained about the mess, the dirty dishes, kids not listening, etc, etc. I never been in such a thing it was 'new' for me. I complained the wrong way aswell , I never went to the person who deserved the complain, instead of that I went to Saf or any other one who didn't deserved the complain. My bad! I learned my lesson! Page closed...
Discipline! Suddenly I had five kids, I'm not complaining, I choosed for it to take care of them, I loved it, and I wanted it. I loved them all and still do. But how do you take care of kids? What is parenting? I felt like I dived into it, I jumped in the deep. But again, I wanted it and longed for it. Saf kids were cute and I wanted to take care of them, but I had it hard sometimes, when they were not listening. How do you tell a kid for the 5th time for example to leave a toy alone, if it's not yours? I left it, when they didn't want to listen, I gave up. Saf hated it, specially when I say the words "I give up." Wrong! I know. I sometimes couldn't believe that kids were not listening, or could be that naughty. I really had difficulties with telling them over and over again, or give them the right punishment, I would rather walk away and just leave it. Maybe I was frighten aswell that they will comment me saying to me, "your not even my real Dad," that happened a few times though. I was new to this, new in parenting and showing discipline to the kids. But I don't feel like I failed, oh no! The kids loved me, called my Daddy and begged many time for going to the park or for a bike ride, and begged for putting them to bed, and that is saying something. Either way I learned my lesson! I'm proud! Page closed...
Relationship! I never was in a relationship before, Saf was my very first girl I had a relationship with. Again, everything, absolutly everything was new for me being in our relationship! I knew it would be difficult. oh yeah! I jumped into this relationship without ANY, ANY experience. I never knew though that a relationship takes SO much more then only sharing the love. I literally had to learn the things the hard way, poor Saf and poor me. It made me feel immaturely, my bad! I learned my lesson! Page closed...
Temper! Yeah, I had a temper, I was suprised I had tempers. I never had them, never was aware I had it in me. Sigh, my tempers were bad, they just happened, well, not just, ofcource I had a reason for my tempers. If I was bothered about something and I couldn't express myself, (what often happened) I wondered myself of, just to shout or perhaps slam a door, my bad. Saf and I had sometimes issues or arguess, why? Well, in every relationship there are sometimes issues and arguess. Another why? See the writtings above you, I had so many things to deal with, so many new things, it was though,oh yeah! It sometimes frustraded me, I was frustraded about myself aswell, frustraded about why on earth I always screwed up again, after telling myself so many times, never do that again! I went for it and never wanted to gave up....
When Saf and I had a issue or argue I was the one who would like to solve it right away, just to get the peace back between us. I felt bad after every argue, I knew I was most of the time wrong and I would like to explain myself why I had this temper or frustration. But ussualy in every issue or argue Saf wouldn't say a word orshe would say a few words and then turn around and walk away and ignore me for a few days completely. Sigh! I knew we had problems with this in our relationship, and oh how I wanted to solve it, maybe a bit to much. I noticed that gifts or loving notes not always helps. And, YES, I had more tempers after we broke up, I felt bad and at the same time I was grieving, arranging my flight back to Holland, trying to get me a place to stay in Holland and dealed with Tammy in our house. It was mega frustrating, and yeah, I sometimes needed to get my anger out. I went alot of times for a walk, and my bad, I sometimes went to the garage to throw things. Not things what was from the Family but just garbage stuff, once I threw a little spade, and it went flying trough towards a wooden wall and it stayed in the wall. I was shocked and I thought, "This isn't me." I really needed to calm down, I cried a few times aswell in the garage or while walking, it reliefed. But oh, it was a tough time. My bad? I don't know, it doesn't matter aswell. I learned my lesson! Page closed...
Job! I needed a job for sure, I realized that, and I realize it now even more! The things I accomplished now in the last 4 months was harder to accomplish then finding a job in Canada. If I think of that now, I can knock myself for my head why I didn't work harder for getting a job in Canada. I sure needed a kick in the butt in Canada, my bad. Oh yeah, my bad. Though I had a little job delivering flyers while living in Barrie, Saf offered me the delivery to drive me, and helping me out. I was new to this, and oh my I though my heart stopped while I was done with my first round delivering flyers. 300 flyers, and I would get 30 cent per flyer. I enjoyed it a few times, the houses I saw were gorgeous! But I was nearly dead after delivering those flyers. This wasn't my job and the 30 dollars in the week didn't help much. It was tough to get a job in Barrie, where to go? where to find one? I even thought about going trough the streets and ask people to shovel snow of there driveway. But it didn't work out, my sick thyroid said no. My bad! Yeah, it was not an easy lesson to learn. How I see it now is, only when I really have to I can accomplish alot of things, that's my bad. But I learned from it! I grab everything what I need now here in Holland, only a shame I didn't do that while I was in Canada, I had it in me. Either way, Page closed...
I knew Saf wanted more from me, I was running the house, doing dishes, laundry and take care of the kids. I was aware that I had to stand up aswell and be a good Dad and be a good Husband, I needed to be responsible for the Family, bring in some money. But I just couldn't get started, now I knew why though, everything was overwhelming it was to much I could handle, I still felt like a stranger in Canada! I just didn't wanna give up, I floated trough our relationship,I tried to stand up and keep my head above the water, and never give up. But in the end I had too, Saf broke up with me, I saw it comming from miles away, but I didn't wanna admit it. I want to go further and further, I loved this family, I loved the kids. But in the end I had to admit it was way to much for me.
When I came to Canada for the first ten days, Saf bombarded me with love and lots of spoil moments, she treated me like a newborn husband, she had a plan,we had a plan. We both will work it out," she told me, I guess I stayed in these 'love, spoliled, moments, and kept on thinking, "We both will work it out." Yeah, one day, but that day never came, my bad? I guess I got spoiled to long by Saf, it was time for me to stand up and be a man! But it never happend, I became independed.My bad! Learned my lesson! Page closed...
Now being back in Holland, I feel better then I was four months ago, I went trough hell but I'm here now and feel good and proud! I nearly build up my life again, were not there yet, but oh my, I never thought I would came so far! Do I feel regrets after being in Canada, NO! I had a good time aswell, a very good time I must say. Being with the two little kids was heaven, doing things for them made me feela super Daddy and that felt good. Parks, walks, bikerides, you name it, Jolly good time! I had fun with Saf, we shared alot of things, laughs, love, karaoke, smiles, and some red bavaria's LOL! Good memories! I will never forget them! I will leave one page open to have a little peek sometimes.
Canada was good for me, I had a really good time and I learned alot, specially life lessons. I can take that with me being here now. I'm okay now and I feel that the happy days are comming, look at me! Work, income, people around me, it's all good!
And then this...
The Blogger Team
Again, we apologize that this happened and our engineers are working hard to return Blogger to normal and restore your posts and comments. We will post a report once this work is complete...
Sigh! Blogger came back late in the evening, But I had to re-write one and a half post cause they were gone.. anyway, good to have you back!
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