Nits - The Train

A Dutch band called "The Nits." Recently I started to listen
to them again. There a good live band, the song you hear is
called "The train."

"April weather, rain and sunshine both together."

"April weather, rain and sunshine both together."

We could use a little rain, it's to dry, and tonight it seems like were gonna get some. Well, I hope so, it's already getting much colder. I was outside for a little bit after dinner, and the wind blew hard, and it was a cold wind. Today we had sun and warm degrees, 23 degrees. Tomorrow they forspelled 13 degrees, hello? That's ten degrees lower, guess I take a few sweaters out of the closet again. I had a nice day at work this Tuesday, it's nice to get away from Humanitas so now and then. Specially now when the nice atmosphere is totally gone, like today I heard there was some talk fighting again. One guy was shouting to Johannus's kids and another guy insulted again the new woman who just got here. 

Can't wait for the up comming residents-meeting, although some residents complained that it doesn't mean anything this meeting. A guy told me that I would be the same like last year, "They promise you everything, but don't do a thing," he said. We will see, you can write your own complains on a paper and hand it in at the office today. And I just did that, I'm looking forward to the meeting. Tomorrow will be a busy day aswell, pffeeww! I need new medications, so I have to go all the way to Nijverdal again, sigh! Not by bike but by train, I don't want the hay fever to bother me.


From the trainstation to the doctors will be alot of miles to walk, atleast a 30 minute walk. Then to the pharmacy that will take me atleast 40 minute, and from the pharmacy back to the trainstation another 40 minutes. I hope the weather is good one me, if it's dry I will happy. Long day tomorrow, but that's good, right? I hope I get the medication, I will ask right away for aa blood test. It's about time to check my blood for my thyroid, last time was in Mississauga, Canada, last year February I think. So yeah, it's time. 


Today at work I made a wooden sidetable for in the garden together with my boss, pretty big one too actually. It was nice to work on something and finnish it too. Today I had a evaluation 
to with my boss, we both had a piece of paper with written on it a few lines. For example there was written, "I can do my job well if my boss gives me an order," or, "I get along well with the other workers." There were more lines, atleast 15 or 16 of them, and my Boss and I filled each a certain kinda grade in after each line (Numbers from 1 till 10) After we filled it in we overheard each other, and I noticed there were a few differences. 


The thing what bothered me was the communication with other workers or with the boss, I'm just not a talker, I never been. I would like to change that though, The Boss diddn't mind that I wasn't that a talker, "It's fine, it's just the way you are," he told me. For example if there's a problem while I'm doing a order and I need my Boss to help me, and I see he's busy elsewhere, I rather solve the problem myself instead of bothering him. Cause I see it as bothering him. "I rather that you come to me, cause that's why I'm here for," the Boss told me. I had this problem many times in my past and still a bit, and not only with bosses. 


Another example, If I have a complain from someone, I rather go to someone else and complain about it to him or her, instead of going to the one who caused to problem. I really want to work on that, I wanna be more thougher and man up! I was glad about the evaluation, that way I could talk about my character and explain things a bit more. I could hear aswell what the Boss had to say about me, and how he thinks I'm doing at work, and maybe correct him in a few things, or not. Or just be suprised of his sayings, I liked it.


I'm doing well, but were still not there yet. But I'm on my way, there are a few things where I'm slightly worried about. I'm worried about where I'm going to live, I hope it will be a nice house in a nice area. I won't be precicly or how you call it, if I'm happy with what I get then It's all good. Next thing I'm  a little bit worried about is the contact with Saf, maybe the contact will fade away. It scares me a tiny bit, So now and then a little message from them or from me does me good, it gives me a good feeling. And what they further do is all fine with me. I really hope they have a good life cause they deserve it, specially the kids.

I really hope that I could see some of the kids one more time or perhaps two times, (specially Tasn) That would be nice, or would it be only in my dreams? Like I said, maybe it will all fade away and I will think about this in a half year differently. I doubt it though, cause these people have made such a huge impact on me. That's why I want to keep a little contact, I really don't see harm in such thing, and further we continue our lives in seperad ways.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ~William Shakespeare

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.  ~William Shakespeare

I like the quote above, cause it's true and it's the best thing to do. Although it's sometimes not that easy to 'love all' here at Humanitas, but I try. Recently the behaviour of some residents are quit violent and nasty, and all because of the alcohol. As you know Frank is almost every weekend invited by Johannus to have a sleepover and have a good time. I don't mind the good time, but recently it's all about drinking and making fun afterwards. As you know drinking isn't alowed here at Humanitas. First you will get a warning and then you have to deliver all your drinks, and with the second warning you will be banned out of the building for 24 hours, no mercy! 


Like I said recently it's getting out of hand with the alcohol, the guys are making alot of noise and it looks like there being agressive and violent. Fire alarms are being pushed, and nasty pranks are being played. Oh I'm such a tattletale! But it's only alowed here, right? I have been invited too alot of times, to have a drink and have a good time. I don't mind, to have a good time and have a few drinks. A few months ago it was just innocent what we did, Frank, Johannus and me together in Johannus's room and just have a fun time. Just sitting there and have a fun talk and make jokes. Nothing went wrong, but I have a rule with myself, If I had enough alcohol I will stop. Frank and Johannus seem to don't understand my rule, and try to let me have one more drink. But when I say no, it's a no!

Most of the guys here are though or act though when there with each other. I don't like it that much that though behaviour, it's not me, I don't act like that, it's not my character. As I see it it's allacting, they all want to be a part of each other, I see right trough it. I really like the guys, cause some have such a good taste of humour. When your alone with them, I mean under four eyes there the best buddies, but together in a group and they consume  alcohol the macho and though behaviour seems to level up more and more. Violent talk, nasty jokes, though stories, childish behaviour. I try to describe there behaviour but it's difficult. Last weekend I was invited too for a drink at Johannus's room, we sat outside tough. After that night I thought to myself,  "I had enough, no more for me."


Frank had already enough alcohol, but drunk more and more , Johannus was sober but planned a drink later, cause he had to drive. Where Johannus is, is his 7 year old Son too. Ricardo is his name, the one I play sometimes soccer with. He can be a pain sometimes, you can blame the ADHD. Johannus doesn't seem to care that much about his Son being with him so much , he told me once "He never listens, so why would I try over and over again." Frank would like be involved in Ricardo's behaviour and tells Johannus what to do with him. "You should give him a week with me," he yells. That's wrong in my eyes, cause it's not Frank's child. Frank knows this he told me, but sometimes he just can't look at it what Ricardo's Father let him all alow.

Anyway, after we played a game of soccer in the small backyard behind the Humanitas building. (being loud and shoot the ball many times to hard.) we went to Johannus's room, it was already late. A woman and another guy were invited too, I forspelled the worse and I rather didn't go,with them. But I went, cause they might get angry with me. (sigh) When we walked in Johannus's girlfriend was sitting behind the computer, the youngest one was sleeping already,he is 2 years old. What do you mean being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Johannus's girlfriend gave already a certain look towards Johannus, being not happy with the visits. Frank was drunk, Johannus had a beer, I took one too to not dissapoint them but surely it was the last one.


The woman was talking much and didn't feel comfy with the drunk Frank and tipsy Johannus and talked to me and walked many times to Johannus's girl for a talk. Ricardo (the 7 year old Son) was being loud and didn't wanna listen, it was way past his bedtime. Frank got annoyed, and told Johannus that if it was his kid he would have smacked him, like his Dad did to him, "That's the way you get respect for your parents," he shouts! Frank brings the smacking part story alot of times up since I know him. I don't like the smacking story, it hurts me, why on earth would you hit a kid? It's better to talk to the kid, tell him it's not right what you do, and if he doesn't listen then take him apart and have a talk again Or send him to his room, and have a talkmafterwards. Talking is way better then smacking or hitting, you don't hit a child!

Tattle, tattle.

The evening went on and Frank and Johannus made little jokes towards the woman behind her back, Johannus's girlfriend disliked it ofcource, giving certain looks towards the guys. And I think the woman noticed it too, but didn't wanna mention it, apearantly afraid of a conflict.The woman stood up and told everyone, "I't's already late I'm going to bed." At that point I saw my chance to hit the sack too and be out of the room. I stood up and told the same thing, "I'm going to bed." Frank offered me another drink but I refussed ofcource. A relief felt from my shoulders when I walked out of there room, I realized that I had enough of all this and will back down more often when it comes to invites. There are other guys aswell who stay in there rooms and do other stuff to enjoy them selve, beside being loud and drunk. And still they are good friends (hmm) with everyone, so why can't I? Right?

I'm looking forward to the resident meeting this comming wednessday, I really hope for new rules, tougher rules,rules with no mercy. This behaviour really got to change under the residents, I would like to have a peacefull atmosphere, where I don't have to hide for invites by some certain residents. And I think the alcohol got to stop, some have a certain kinda trick to get the alcohol inside the building, (tattle,tattle) they put the alcohol in the trunk from there cars, or they put them in the kids school backpags. (ofcource they don't let the kids walk with it) Another trick is to put Bacardi or Rum or any kind of booze into a pop or soda bottles, mixing ittogether with the pop or soda. Anyway, this got to change, the staff here noticed it that the atmosphere here is going out of hand, and I can see it too. I cross my fingers for wednessday. 


Second Easter day. 


This day went well, I'm glad though that tomorrow is a working day. There was just nothing to do here, nothing has been organized. The weather was good, alot of sunshine and it was HOT!  Johannus went out with his family and Frank. (ppffeeww) It gives a certain kinda rest when there gone, a relief. Johannus can be tough and rude, although it might be all a joke like his girlfriend admitss, but I don't like it that anymore, and more with me. Last week he has been called a few times in the office about being so rude to everyone, "It is the way I am, I can't help it," he says. When you talk to him alone he's a nice guy and he's friendly. But in a group he teases the weak ones.


On with this day, I spent alot of time on my laptop and sat a few hours in the sun. My counselor is here aswell, she talked to me a bit and I asked her if we had a appointment this week. She told me "No, not really, things are going smoothly." She asked me for a bill what had to be payed this week, she wanted to take care of that cause I didn't had time tomorrow cause of my work. Second thing  important this week, my throid medication. I really have to buy them this comming wednessday, Cause Thursday I will be out of medication. I will spend the Wednessday for this, maybe in the morning or in the afternoon. Morning is best I guess, so I can have a rest afterwards.

Happy Easter, dear bloggers!

Happy Easter, dear bloggers! 

My first Easter at Humanitas, and prolly my last. Cause there's only 9 months permitted, but some people here get longer. My guess is that I will have found something for myself then after 9 months, and I hope something nice and good. I woke up early this morning, there was much sunlight in my room, so I thought it would be already late. But it was only 6:30 am, I went back to bed to wake up properly, and afterwards I took a shower. I wont have to tell you that Sunday's are boring here at Humanitas, cause I told it before. Now we have two Sunday's, two Easter Sundays.

I have nothing planned, I will just let it come over me. I might check the internet for something to do these days, but it's only two days, I will survive. I wish the staff here would have organized something, but no, it would have been so nice. The weather again is good today, sunshine and 22 degrees. It's dry though, all the windows and car roofs are filled with green polls, hasjooe! not so good for my hay fever, the weather forecast forspelled rain this evening, I hope it will! A little bit of rain will do us good. Now what do those Dutch people actually do with Easter? What are  Dutch traditions with Easter? Well....

Easter in the Netherlands.   

Easter in Netherlands is very much like the rest of the western countries. On the Easter Sunday the city is very quiet and people are busy with the Church service (paasvuren) right from the early morning. Late in the noon, the Easter lunch is organized in the church that include boiled, poached or fried eggs, paasstol (a rich loaf of bread filled with raisins, nuts and marzipan, damn I forgot to buy this paasstol!!) butter flavored with herbs, ham, shrimps, smoked fish, particularly salmon or eel and sweets or chocolates in the shape of eggs or hares. Lamb is an exclusive Easter dish as it is symbolic of the death and resurrection of Jesus.

Paasstol!

Palmpaas.

On Palm Zondag or Palm Sunday children scour the neighboring farms to collect eggs for the Easter sports. While setting out for the task, kids carry a decorated stick known as a Palmpaas or Easter "palm". This stick is attached to a hoop which is covered with boxwood and adorned with colored paper flags, egg shells, sugar rings, oranges, raisins, figs and baked dough figures or swans or cocks. They also participate in the coloring of real eggs which are hidden by the Easter Bunny. Hunting for that was then carried out with great vigor. Eiertikken, is also a popular Easter game in Netherland in which people knock eggs together to see which breaks first.

Easter bonfire before...

Easter bonfire After...

 In the eastern regions of the Netherlands,(where I am) village folks light an Easter bonfire on some hill or high point. In order to gain a head start, people start collecting wood for the fires weeks in advance as each area tries to outdo each other by building the biggest bonfire. On Easter Sunday, families gather for the traditional Easter meal. The table is decorated with colored eggs and spring flowers and Paasbrood, which is sweet bread with raisins and currants, is one of the special foods traditionally served at Easter. 

Now, today I am secretly happy for some friends of mine today, and I'm not going to tell more about it. Just that I'm happy for them! Oh,I'm so mean... sorry about that!

The spirit of Easter is all about Hope, love, and joyful living.

The spirit of Easter is all about Hope, love, and joyful living. 

Just had some spare time to make a start with today's post, soon I'm going to make some dinner after my writting. Another hot, warm day, and opening a window is out of the question in my room.  It's possible though but I have to put up then with the musquitos. I will think of a solution these comming days.I went out for a little bit last night, me, Johannus and his 7 year old son and another guy. we went to a little children's farm. Across the farm is a park where you can sit and ofcource play football, otherwise the 7 year old wouldn't come, lol!

It was nice sitting there, we played some football and had a few drinks. After that Johannus bought shoarma-sandwisches for us, 6 huge sandwisches for 15 Euro is not bad. Although I have a hot room, I slept good and I slept a bit in. I was tired today though, felt exhausted and sleepy. I had 2 naps, and while waking up after the second nap I thought, I'm gonna sleep further till the rest of the day. But I got up cause duty was calling, the second half of the grocery had to be bought and I was in need of an icecream. The icecream was good but way to much money for such a little cup.

I had a tiny little dream last night, I dream weird and short, lol! There like 5 minute movies, and sometimes I can't even remember what I dreamed about. So, last night I dreamed about Tasn, I played with a ball with her, and later on I realized why she was here. She was on a short visit to see me, but I didn't saw Saf though. While playing with her I kept thinking that I have to hold her or hug her before she will go back again. I miss hugging or hold her. I didn't got the chance to hug her cause I woke up before I wanted to do that. Sigh! Today I miss you a bit more Tasn, mwah, I love you! I wish I could hug her one more time.


I totally forgot to say what happend to me a few days ago. While I was on my way to the grocery shop and past the libary, I saw someone formaliar, it was Arie! Remember him? The second day when I was back in Holland, (January) after I have been throwen out of the house from Jo and his wife. Jo and his wife were the ones who wanted to give me a place to stay for three months, but after one day they already threw me out. (remember?) Anyway, the second day I was at my Dad's place and was trying to find a place for my own. While doing that I was visiting some friends I didn't see in a long time, Arie was the first to visit. 


Arie wasn't home but his parents were, it was nice to see them again, but at the end of the visit they were a tiny bit rude, "It's better for you to come here not that often," said Arie's Mom. "You have choosen to go to Canada, and now you have problems, and we can't help you with that," she continued. I wasn't even asking for help, I just wanted to show my face. I used the computer there for a bit, not even 5 minutes, just to message Saf and other friends what happend after my plane landing. "it's time to go now," said Arie's Mom. 


And I went and decided not to come back. They were rude and unkind, I wasn't even planning to come that much. Now after almost 3 months not have showing my face, I saw suddenly Arie! My first thought was "hide." Then I thought, Where to? Ah, never mind." I spoke to him for a while, explaining him what all happened. He was okay, and I confronted him aswell about his Mom. Not that much, but I felt I had to mention something about it. Arie took it well, and the talk continued. Still I'm not planning to visit him and his parents, maybe in the near future. I will see, first I got other things to do. 


Again I went out for a little bit, this time with Johannus, and his Son, and Frank. We went to a friend of Johannus who likes to go fishing. We all sat at the water and Johannus's Son had his new fishing gear with him. A present from his Dad. Ofcource we had a few drinks with us, after 2 bottles I stopped with drinking. Watching fishing was fun, I had a nice time. Afterwards we went to Johannus's room, his youngest kid was sleeping and the other one was about to go to bed. Another drink was offered and Johannus's girlfriend was obliviously not amused  about it. 


Frank was more then tipsy and was talking bollocks, some other guys who were with us were loud aswell. I wanted to go cause I was tired and disliked some people's behaviour. Johannus offered me another drink and I said, "I had really enough, thanks." Still they put the bottle of beer infront of me, I drunk half of it, and toldd them all, Im going, I need my sleep. Another guy was going aswell, my luck. I dislike drunk people, and I'm actually starting to dislike that 'though/macho' behaviour aswell. 

Tomorrow I might take things on another level, I'm so not like these guys here, I wish they could change there behaviour. Being with alone, I mean under four eyes, man to man, there really friendly. But if there under each other they all start to act tough and macho. Ugh! But anyway! If I really one to be a good friend with these guys,I need to act with a different pose, and change my behaviour. Act totally differnt then I'm actually am, and I'm sure NOT gonna do that!

"Warm, warmer,warmst!"

"Warm, warmer,warmst!"

The weather is nice outside but inside my little room it's just to warm. If I open the window in the evening the musquitos will come, I will see if I can build two screens for my windows at work, good idea, right? I need a window open in the night during summer, otherwise I will melt away. Today I spent some money again, there was the first half of the grocery, the second half I will do tomorrow, and there was the pressie for someone's birthday in Canada. The 1st of May, so I guess it arrives perfectly on time. I had to fill in a paper at the postoffice, writtting down what was in the present box and it needed a autograph. No problem!

Lately at Humanitas things are going not so well, there is to much complaining from the  residents. This is not good and that is not good, the staff this and the staff that. The behaviour from the residents isn't so good either, that's why the staff from Humanitas organized a resident meeting on the 27th of April. I'm looking forward to it, I haven't got much to complain, it seems I'm the only one not complaining, lol! Sometimes when I hear the residents talk about Humanitas, I'm suprised that it's not happening to me, maybe there overreacting or they wanna act tough.

Some stories I heard from the residents, "I pay way to much rent for my room, the staff's behaviour is rude, hygenie is way out of line here, the washing machines need to be fixed, the toilets are a mess," etc, etc. But the staff is complaining aswell about the behaviour from the residents. Some people are rude, some people are drinking alcohol in there rooms (what is not alowed) nasty pranks between residents, and for the third time in one month the fire alarm went off without any reason.

There was a fight with words last night between two residents, it was a guy and a woman. They have a room next to each other, and apearantly the guy's music is to loud. This woman just got here 3 days ago and had already a fight with her 'other' neighbor a day ago. The first fight was about a washing dryer that the woman turned on at 11:30 pm, the washing dryer made alot of noise and the door was open. (we have a little washing area with a washing machine and a dryer. The neighbor came outside his room and started to insult the woman about the dryer, (he was a bit tipsy) it went almost out of hand.

I talked to the lady a few days ago, she is a nice lady but complained that she didn't like it here at Humanitas, and she wanted to go as soon as possible. She is a complainer, I think she has a lot of stress inside her and she needs to calm down. If your knew here at Humanitas and you start to complain and let out your stress out towards  other residents, then your asking for problems. About the second fight, I can be short.The woman is full of stress, and has it difficult with relaxing. Every little thing what annoys her is bothering her huge. The loud music from the neighbor was a pain for her, but it wasn't that loud at all.

I was drinking coffee with her outside last night together with Frank, the neighbor had his music on and she complained again. (again, the music wasn't that loud) The neighbor tried to solve the loud music many times but no use, the neighbor even tried to solve the fight aswell three times, but no use. The rooms here have thin walls, he has his desk against the wall with the speakers under the desk, pointing towards the other wall. Now she has her desk at the same wall as he has, not so smart, right? He turned the music way down last night,  just that you can just hear it, but still. He came outside and tried to talk to the woman but it was getting out of hand. 

The talking towards each other went louder and louder, the staff had to come outside to ease them both. A guy and a woman from the staff came, and told them both to be quiet or go solve this fight inside the building. I stayed out of this, cause I don't want to get in trouble. I drank my coffee, and heared them and saw them. I think the best solution was to take them both to the office with a staff member and have both a good talk, or a different set up from there rooms. Maybe even split them up. The woman took off on her bike after the fight, He (the neighbor) gave up on solving the fight and disliked her from now on. Not a pleasant atmosphere, I tell you. It doesn't bother me that much, I get along with everyone, or trying too. 

So, yeah the resident meeting, The staff wants to get the nice atmosphere back , I hope they succeed. Some points the staff wants to discus are: House rules, old and new ones, fire alarms, chores, atmosphere under the residents, robbing and stealing. The resident themselves can make notes too, notes what they complain about. I have a few complains but not alot. In my eyes the staff needs to organize  things more with the residents, soon we will have Easter but there's no one, and nothing, nothing to do. A nice lunch together would have been nice, so that all residents are together and talk and have fun. Further the cleaning chores, it's always the same people who clean. And the rubbish some people make, clean up afterwards, it saves alot of cleaning in the end of the week. It's so easy.


Today was nice, ofcource with such weather everything is nice. Everything went well, the fight from last night was not mentioned. Good Friday today, the Friday before Easter. On this day Christians commemorate the crucifixion and death of Jesus on Calvary near Jerusalem. Thank you Wikipedia, aaah! Shame one me, when I was a kid my Mom and Dad teached me this. I was brought up Catholic, and went to church every Saturday or Sunday. When I got older, we only went with the Holidays, Easter, Good Friday, Christmas. Do I believe? Yeah I believe, but not in a extreme way like Christians do. I should go to the church with Easter, it's an idea. I will let you know if I went, I will surely think about it!

Sjon-shinny-day!

Sjon-shinny-day! 

Another nice day at work, I made a wooden side-table again. This side table was a bit bigger then the ones I made before. It was warm, with our breaks we sat outside in the sun.When I came back from work I saw Frank at Humanitas, Frank is the one who recently got himself a new house. But apearantly he doesn't seem to like it, he keeps comming back every weekend. Sigh! Makes me a bit tired though, if Frank is around he is usually with Johannus. And they both invite me to have a little drink, that's okay but sometimes I like to be my own aswell, surely after a working day, but anyway, being with them can be fun too. I'm not complaining.

It's the weekend for me, as always at Thursdays. This weekend will be Easter-weekend, did I planned anything? Not yet, I think I will just let it come over me. Maybe they will organize here at Humanitas something, but I doubt it. I could go to my Dad, but I don't know. I will see what I will do, I think at my Dad's place they will organize something for sure, it's all good. I don't really like such Holidays, like Easter or Christmas, it's nice when you have a huge Family. While being with Saf and her kids it was nice during the Holidays, there was always something to do with the Holidays, and if there was not nothing to do, then they will organize something.

How am I doing? 

I'm doing better, not feeling jolly and all happy, but I'm doing better then 2 months ago. The 'No contact' is a bless, I wasn't doing the No contact to offend or hurt Saf or the kids, but it was needed to heal me. I explained them that and I hope they understand. I still love them! The thoughts of the Family are less, the kids though, I missed the most, and still a bit. So now and then I have a little peek on my old Facebook account to have a look at Noor and Mar's pages. Sometimes I sent them a message, just a 'hello,' or a 'how are you.' But these little peek's are becoming less aswell. It's all good, it's fine, I'm progressing! But I still care.

I realized (strange enough) that I have my life here now, I knew I won't return back to Canada. All the thinking of Saf or the kids didn't help me further, ofcource, I still sometimes think of them, but it's goes alot easier then two months ago, I can give it a place now and that's what I did. It's alowed to think of them. I'm still building up my life, and I think me and Saf  are in peace with each other that we  both go our separated ways. It's fine and good in my head I can continue with my building. You know, sometimes I  came to a certain point in my proces that I got tired, tired of trying everything to ease the pain. Then I wanted to leave it all and just let it all be. And I tried it a few times, I'm now at a point that things and thoughts go easier. 

I know what was hurting me the last 3 months, and still a bit it hurts. I wanted companion and a family around me, a loving wife. Then all of a sudden Saf showed up with 5 gorgeous kids, and we had a huge click and we fell in love. "I must be dreaming," I thought, but it was reality! Looking back now at this past, I miss the things we had and the things we did in our relationship. I miss the kids and miss the family things. I'm not so missing Saf anymore, I missed her the first month but I can give that a place  in my head aswell. She has her own life now with someone new. It's fine, thinking of that hurted me, but it's less now.It's fine.
 Although the companion of someone around me, an arm around me or someone to wake up to in the morning. That is all gone now, and that hurts still a bit. 

Funny thing, I told this story aswell to my counselor Linda, after she asked me how I was doing. Afterwards she asked me if I wanted again children, I told her, "Hell yeah!" Having kids is the best thing ever happend to me, although I was the Stephdad.  But children again? I hope it, really! But my age, darn!  I wish I was 10 years younger, lol! But who knows. 

"Progressing slowly."

"Progressing slowly."

Had a rough night, but I feel good,  a tiny little musquito kept me awake almost the whole night. I couldn't catch the little monster, hopefully this comming night he or she will let me sleep. Some 'tag' words for tonight's sleep, lavendel onion, garlic, Deet, fabric softner sheets,wish me luck. I had a good appointment with my counselor Linda this morning, progress was the keyword. We accomplished a few things, and I'm happy with that. We did a few payments what needed to be done, first the first half of the money what had to be payed for the 'summer house'where I stayed last February, that's done. The second half of the payment has to be payed before the 1st of September, I have absolutley no worries about that. 

I'm getting every week the 40 Euro for food, and I think I told before that I made a start with saving some money from that food money. Today I counted it what I have saved, and it was alot. I saved 95 Euro in one month, today I putted this money together with my income what came in last Friday, so I could pay a part of the summer house.
The care allowance has to be payed back aswell, remember I told about the 76 Euro I have to pay every month till I get to the amount of money they want me to pay back? This paying back will take me 2 years, and I have to start with the paying the 1st of May. Now here's the thing, I asked again for care allowance every month, just like I had before I went to Canada. and they agreed, I will get every month care-allowance (70 Euro). AND I have to pay back every month care allowance (76 Euro). Are you still there? So I will get nothing but I also don't have to pay anything, right? right. No worries here for either.

Ricardo fell, I play almost daily soccer with him.

His little brother, Dylano.

 So much to pay but, were getting there. Linda explained me a few times about the care-allowance, recently my head is full with information, so sometimes people have to explain me things a few times more often. I never been in such situation, back in the days when I lived on my own, it was a piece of cake, cause I had everything in order I could overlook everything. But this is different, there is so much stuff going on. I told Linda aswell this morning, that I would like to take it easy so I can follow it, if anything goes to fast I will give a yell. I want the posibillity to overlook everything, no rush. I told Linda this after she told me, that it would be wise to stay not to long here. "I know you can handle things, Sjon." she told me.That's nice of her, but still, I have no rush!

I went to the pharmacy today here in Almelo, I asked if they could transfer medication from one city to another city.It would be very handy if I could get my thyroid medication here, instead of traveling up and down every 3 months from city to city. I still have to go back and forth to Nijverdal (My old town) to get my medication. Next week I need new ones, the pharmacy in Almelo told that it's not possible. I thought it would be easy, just a phonecall and done. I will see how I do that next week. Maybe the pharmacy in Nijverdal has a solution.

Waiting for the coffee!

coffee break has started!

It was another sun shiney day today , just a bit cold in the morning. I should have bought something for the musquito tonight, my plan was to buy a lemon and do something with that. but okay, I think I will manich one more (sleepless night) It's warm in my room, but I deffo do NOT open a window. No more musquitos for me, please. Tomorrow work waits again, I'm happy, things are not so smooth between everyone here. People who live here, the staff, I don't know, alot of complains and little argues. I think we could use some more time 'together,' maybe it's an idea for comming Easter.

"Insert tittle."

"Insert tittle." 

I haven't come up with a tittle yet, maybe I just let it stay this way, lol. Kinda funny! I'm exhausted from the last 8 hours, I had a good day at work, with here and there some pressure. Work was fun and good, we had some good laughs, and the work was nice. In the late afternoon there was some 'hurry ups' with three huge wooden plant crats, I made a start with the crats, and all of a sudden the customer was waiting for them. My boss helped me out, and we were flying trough the building. I was a bit nerves, cause I don't like to be pushed around, and I  was getting a bit out of breath. Don't forget this is still a project where I'm working and not a real factory. But okay a little pressure can happen sometimes,we finnished the three crats on time and the customer was happy.

I like the work I'm doing at Reha, although with the hay fever at the moment it's a bit less,but okay ,there are worser things. My colleagues are nice and funny, recently we have a new guy and he's just to funny. He can be rude funny, like he can insult you but doesn't mean it really. It's just a joke, just that sometimes his behaviour is kinda anoying. When I came back from work I had to sit for a while, I was exhausted but felt satisfied. Thank God for a day of tomorrow, I'm sure  I will enjoy the warm weather here. Such a beautifull day today, and it will be even warmer the comming days. I'm not complaining I love this weather. 


Tomorrow my counselor Linda will be back from her short Holiday, we got some things to do and arrange. My appointment with her is tomorrow at 9:30 in the morning, right after the coffee-break. I think I will skip the cleaning chores, I need to go in town too. Someone's *couch, birthd, couch*ay, is commi*couch*ing up, gonna buy a little *couch*press*couch*ie. I bought Noor one, Tasn one, and now it's Ab's turn, Mar is in June and Cle's in November or September, I need to check that out. I miss Saf's kids, love you guys and I always will, no matter what! 


Talking about kids, today after Work there was Johannus's 7 year old son at my door again, aaww, he likes me alot. I told him yesterday, (I letted him in) that after a working day I won't be able to play soccer cause I'm tired after work. He understood but he comes anyway to ask me, lol, damn cute kid, Ricardo is his name, blue eyes and short blond hair. He can be a very naughty little boy but his cuteness forgives it all, I told him that Wednessday I have no work so we might go play soccer then for a little while. It's sad though that such kid is here with his Mom, Dad, and little brother here at Humanitas. 


According to his Dad they lived on the streets for 3 months, but I'm not sure I should believe that. They lived in there car and spend the night at Family, in the daytime they just drove around and went out so now and then. I just don't know, it could be tough talk, I just can't imagine them driving around for 3 months in a car. They tell many stories what I think, hmm, yeah, right! But anyway, I haven't got much to say today, can you tell? lol! I had a nice and fun day, and that makes me happy. That's all I have to say, I think that's enough, right? 


See you tomorrow!

"Who said money ain't everything?"

"Who said money ain't everything?"

I had 2 mails in my post-tray today, near by the office in the Humanitas building are many post-trays, from people who live here. Everyone has there own tray. The two mails came from my care-allowance, I was already expecting maill from them. I have to pay money back, and it's alot of money. Why do I have to pay it back?  Well, before I went 'for good' to Canada, I had to stop this 'care allowance,' cause it's not alowed that they pay you every month when your overseas.But I totally forgot to stop them, together with a few other things, it was a hectic, moving month back in October 2009.

Care-allowance is a contribution by the Dutch government for the premium for health insurance affordable for everyone. Whether the claimant is entitled to care allowance and how much is predominantly a function of: its household composition (such as single, family, partner) and the height of the (joint) income. The Tax/Benefits provides payment of the allowance. The care allowance is intended for applicants with a minor (combined) total income. (Thank you, Wikipedia and Google translate) 

 So yeah, the payment. This company want me to pay alot of money, and they came with two options. First option is, I can pay them the whole sum of money all at once. (Sure!) If I do that I have to pay the whole amount before the 30th of May from this year. The second option sounds more reasonable, Installmens, I can pay them in 24th months, 23 times I pay them 76 Euro, then the 24th month I pay them 57 Euro, then I'm done. If I do that I have to pay the first amount of 76 Euro before the 30th of may from this year, plus I have to pay interest if I do it in installments. Sigh! "I wanna be a millionaire... sooo frigging baaad!"

 
I know what it is to live in not-wealthy, my parents and I have been there, we didn't know else. We came by and that's it. I can be very carefull with money, I can go into shops and have a look around and just don't buy anything, I will just look. I can walk in to grocery shops and buy the cheapest food and only what I need. That's defenitly a must at the moment, I really have to take care of my money. I'm still saving money from the money I get every week from Humanitas (Food money, 40 Euro) www. Howtobecomeamillionaire.com 


Work was nice today, again I worked with wood. I finnished the child-seat-set, two tables, two 2 -seats, and two 1-seats. I really like to work on such things, but ofcource it can't be always fun. I had to saw alot of laths today aswell and drilled many holes into the same laths, boring work but it was okay. Tomorrow our boss wants to bring a self made cake to work, she did it before, nice right? Sometimes one of the guys at work bring something to eat, or I should say something to snack. Me? I should aswell bring something one day. Money, sigh! I will tell tomorrow how the cake was, for now I have to stop writting otherwise my coffee gets cold!

“After enlightement, the laundry"

“After enlightement, the laundry"

Just had a tiny bit of laundry today, I thought, what the heck, I will just throw it the machine. Yesterday the washingmachine on the second floor was broke, If you wanted to wash you had to hold the button. On the first floor the washingnmachine worked, (I thought) I pressed the button and the machine made noise. Meaning it worked. After five or six hours I came back, I totally forgot about the wash, and still the washingmachine wasn't done. It still had to spin, but it refused to do that.

I pushed many buttons, putted it of and on, and finally it spinned and I waited till my wash was done.This morning the same thing, I putted the wash in the machine, added washpowder, and pushed the button. The machine made noise again, it worked, I thought! After a few hours I had a look but nothing happened, the wash was still in the machine, dirty. Another guy looked at it but, nothing helped. It's broke, both washing machines are broke now. There's always something going on here, lol, things brake and they won't be fixed. I could make a washing list what all has to be fixed here. I wonder what there going to do with the two broken washingmachines, fixing it by a fixer or buy two new ones?

I had a good day today, I felt better then yesterday. I need to stop whinning, I know, cause it doesn't change anything, and it doesn't help me move forward. Eermm, in a way it does help me a bit forward cause the grieving, whinning and feeling sad is a part of the healing. I need to let it out, let out my emotions instead of cropping it all up, right? I woke up at 7:15 am, a nice and a good time. I took a shower and putted comfy clean clothes on. Today I planned a rest day, meaning doing not much. And that's what I did. 


I cleaned a bit my room and made some food, at 6:30 pm Johannus's Son knocked on my door, just like yesterday he wanted to play soccer with me. How can I resist a cute kid? It was fun, and I was suprised I actually got some soccer talent aswell. We played for an hour and that was long enough, he had to go to bed cause tomorrow it's school for him again. I have been re-reading my blog a bit today and it was quit interesting, specially the Humanitas part. When I first walked in here I was nerves and now I'm actually doing well. 


I also red about parts that I still felt extremely attached to Saf and her kids. I guess it was still so fresh a few months ago, the trip back from Canada to Holland went fast. There I was sitting on the couch in Barrie, Canada,with my suitcases packed, within 8 or 9 hours I was already in Holland, away from the Family and alone. Now a few months later I don't have that extremely attached feeling, I still care about them and love them, but I can handle it easier now then two months ago, I can give it a place and keep the memories. 


I wrote about meeting them, I was so sure to meet them again this year, I even searched online if it was possible in my state that I have been ilegal to return to Canada. I can say now, sure I would like to meet them, but I don't think it would be appropiate to do such thing at the moment. But who knows?(I would LOVE to see Tasn again though) But for now I will say, no, sure I would like to travel in the near future but other countries first. My goal is to not sit on my @ss, and just live my life like I use to do back in Holland. I wanna live! I wanna see the world and do things, accomplish things. I'm 43 damned! LOL! 

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

A thundercloud and rain in the morning and in the late afternoon sun and slightly a clear sky, those were my moods today. Sorry, to complain again, I wish myself it was easier too.  I wish my thoughts would have a 'mute' button sometimes, so I can switch it off whenever I think of Saf or my life in Canada. This morning it was that time again, I just looked around in my room and I thought, "This room looks like a cell in a prison, I had it better in Canada," then the whole thinking proces starts...

Thinking up loud...

I know Saf and I both have gone seperad ways but, is it fair to think it's 'unfair' that she is living with her new lover in her bungalow having fun living her life and feel all jolly in Canada? And I'm here back in Holland, trying to build up my entire life, laying at the moment on a cheap bed in a small room in a building for homeless people.

Is it fair, to think it's 'unfair' that her new lover is prolly having fun with her kids? Specially the two youngest kids, I took care of them for a long time, I washed them, feeded them, put them to bed or put them for a nap, took them out for a walk, a bikeride, or to the park. It's so hard to imagining them being with her new lover and 'he' does all that. Just thinking up loud.

Is it fair, to think it's 'unfair' that they all back there in Canada having fun and live there lives normaly? And I'm not.

I know I shouldn't all think these thoughts, perhaps there not even that happy as I assume but this morning it flashed trough my mind. I know I need to let her live her life and I have to live MY life and move on. But just so now and then aarrgghhh! IT'S FEELS UNFAIR! Sorry, I needed this to get of my chest. I know there's no such thing as fair or unfair, Saf has her life and I have mine. I think it's a part of losing anything, being a little p!ssed off, especially if you have lost someone, I should feel like it's unfair. I will keepmy head high
.

On with the day! After a little nap I washed my face, washed my hair and shaved my face, putted my shoes on and  went off to do my duties off today. I needed to buy a gift for 'someone,' cause I bought the 'othern ones' to a gift for there birthdays, it was fun to do. Shopping on Saturday is hell though sometimes, I was at a toy store and it seemed that every kid of the city was there. Throwing with balls and screaming, but okay, that are kids. I picked the toys and payed them, I was satisfied.

On to the grocery store and the post-office. At the post-office I bought a card, it was hard to find a card with a english text in a Dutch store, but I succeeded! I bought the stuff I needed in the grocery store and went home, well home, to my room I meant. I felt a bit better, better then this morning. funny though that thoughts can sometimes change, then you think bad about something and then you think it's okay, but the situation is the same. I should stop thinking, but that's easier said then done. 


I had a nice little chat with someone on Facebook, she gave me a few tips. Sigh! I should chat more with my friends online, I just don't know what to say all the time, lol! Here are the tips 'she' gave me...

"One day I decided that every single time I felt sad and sick, I would talk myself out of it.
I would sit up and say OUT LOUD, NO! I am NOT going to let this get me, I am NOT going to keep doing this to myself. And the biggest thing? I told myself, she is not there crying and sad so why am I? Everytime the sinking feeling would come I would do just that anything.

"NO, I AM NOT GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS!" And I would immediatlely get up and do something else, tell yourself I am crying, but she is not. I will live too. When you feel this loneliness, get out of your room and go out into the streets, do some window shopping. Buy yourself a coffee or an ice cream do something you like that makes you feel good.

Sounds good right? Although, the 'out loud saying' I don't know, I think I will wispher it or shout it out loud in my head. Cause they might think I'm going nuts, lol. Thanks for the tips J. your a gem! 

"Sjon is busy building up his life after comming back from Canada."

"Sjon is busy building up his life after comming back from Canada."

That was the tittle on the piece of paper what my counselor gave me this morning. On the paper was more information about me, about what has to be done or already has been done. I like the tittle, although it's kinda sad for me to read or perhaps for others, but it challenges me aswell if I read it. Like, okay I'm building up my life, I'm ready for it, show me what you got! C'mon! The counselor appointment was okay, but not with a happy ending, we both decided there was no help needed further.

It sounds akward to hear that I didn't need help, I'm still a bit hmm, I don't know. We had a good talk while he asked me how I was doing, "Your doing alot of stuff, and that's suprises me, good job!" he told me. At the end of the conversation my counselor kinda asked me what he can do for me. I told him first that I devide my problems in two categories, one category is the so called paper bussines. My income, my usarances, looking for a house, looking for a job, bills, etc, etc. The second category I haven't named yet, it's about my grieving, missing Canada, Saf, the kids, feelings and thoughts, etc, etc. Category one is going slightly well, but category two is not going so well.

I'm still having the ups and downs, and sad thoughts. I know it takes alot of time and I know there will be a time when I will be happy again. Although all that I still asked my counselor for help, then he asked me what kinda help I needed, "What can I do?" he asked me. I couldn't answer him, I mean, what can he do? What do I need? I don't know. I could drop by every week for a talk and see how I'm doing but he didn't want that. He kept talking about "You still have to do it all yourself," he could give me advice and he could hear my stories every week, but in the end it's all up to you. I understood him, but still I don't know. It was difficult to explain him things, I couldn't find the right words what I needed to explain him things.

Yes,I can heal myself, and I know it takes time and that's all. I'm doing the things I need to do to get over this proces, I'm writting things of me, (Blog) I'm doing the 'No contact,' I deleted and blogged things from my computer and internet. I told my counselor this aswell, and he told me that I'm doing a good job, I did and do alot of stuff. And yes, further he can't do much for me. It's all up to me now.

It was a nice day today, the weather was good, not to warm and not to cold, with alot of sunshine. The weekend will be good too, so I heard. Johannus (remember him?) will pick up Frank (rmember him?) today to stay the weekend over. Frank has a house for himself now, but Johannus and Frank have build up a good friendship, that's why the invite from Johannus. Tonight we will both have a little drink in Johannus's room, I'm kinda looking forward to kit. I bought some munchies aswell for them, cause they offer me food to sometimes. 


Update~

Today was suppose to be the day, that I should pay a part of my health-insurance, but my counselor Paula has a short holiday. The other girl from the office didn't know what to do and how much money had to be payed, I didn't know either. Next wednesday I have a appointment again with Paula, we will both handle things of then. So much to do! 


I'm doing well, still grieving but I accept that, cause it's normal. But I feel a challenge aswell, I want to work on my thoughts and sadness. I will start this weekend, everyday a little part.

Let it be

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

"Let it be."

"Let it be."

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.And it's easy as it says here, right? Well, sometimes yes and sometimes no! I had the song 'let it be' from the Beatles in my head almost all day, and I liked it. I wish I had the song everyday in my head, okay I'm overreacting. But think of it, when someone is comming to you with a problem and we both can't solve it, just sing, Let it be! Or when you think of a problem yourself or your feeling sad and you can't solve it, just sing, Let it be! More about this song later on in this post.

Today was good! (thinking positive) I worked on two wooden child seats at work and a table. Mini tiny child seats, there so cute, it's actually a set. The set comes with one table, two seats, and a one 2-sitter,I almost finished one set today. I worked alone on the set, with sometimes some advices from my boss. Two times today the boss sent me two new guys, and they had to help me. I'm so bad in doing that, telling someone what to do. I mean I don't mind working alone or working with another, but giving orders, I don't know. But it went okay, the new guys didn't stay long.

The day's are going fast when you work, it was 4:00 pm before I knew, at that time we clean up and go. Working with wood is not a fine thing though when it's hay fever season, I sneezed alot, thank god for nose-spray! After work I went straight to the church, for the free dinner, just like last night they served a nice meal. Today we had 'hutspot,' a dish of boiled and mashed potatoes, carrots and onions. As meat we had a smoked sauasage. 

Hutspot!

So, now I have actually weekend, Yay! But tomorrow will be a full day, first thing in the morning I will have the counselor at 10 am. I have to go to Nijverdal, and I will go by train, it's almost walking distance. I really have to visit my Dad one of these days, I haven't seen him in a few weeks. But I'm so tired after the week has ended, last weekend I took a nap two times a day. I could go tomorrow but it will be such a long walk, I will do it another time, I will 'Let it be,' for now. 

..."And when the night is cloudy, There is still a light that shines on me, Shine on until tomorrow, let it be. There will be an answer, let it be, let it be, let it be."

The song is still wondering around in my head, It's not my favorite song though from the Beatles. Paul McCartney wrote this song it was inspired by his mother I red somewhere, his Mom is called Mary, who died when he was 14. Many people thought "Mother Mary" was a biblical reference when they heard it. And I though the same, I thought they meant Mother Teresa.

More facts? 

Paul had a dream one night when he was paranoid and anxious. He saw his mom who had been dead for ten years or so; she came to him in his time of trouble, speaking words of wisdom. This brought him much peace when he needed it. It was this sweet dream that got him to begin writing the song.

This was the first Beatles song released in The Soviet Union. The single made it there in 1972.

'Let it be,' was played at linda McCartney's funeral. Paul, George, Ringo and Elton John came together to play this song for her memorial.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna listen to the song now, but first me make a coffee!